Join with me and pray for all of us affected by Covid

If you pray let’s pray together all over the world.. concerning Covid and those suffering from it. All grieving losses.. those sick. those putting plans together.. everything to do with the vaccinations no matter what your belief.. Our beautiful city of Melbourne is in its second week of lock down.. and today more cases.. it is overwhelming for everyone.. what to do.. what not to do.. Thank you to anyone who prays..

Father God I don’t know how to pray but I pray nevertheless.. all of us have been affected by this.. if not sick.. or lost a loved one.. we have had vaccinations or been masked and separated. Our businesses and families. Our leaders and children.. affected.. lockdowns.. and fear.. and worry.. so much death in some parts of the world.. medical staff facing more risks… Father God for those grieving or suffering please send comfort, strength and healing.. How to make it safe and keep trading? How to vaccinate safely? We do get it wrong as humans that’s obvious. Help us LORD to find the best way through.. And give us wisdom and favour to beat this thing.. and live safely and in peace.. Thank you for health.. thank you for health workers.. and thank for leaders who carry the responsibility of making laws and decisions every day for the people they lead especially at time’s like this. help them be filled with compassion and grace and wisdom.. thank you for this day.. amen

🙏🥰🌷🕊

What it all means personally.

Happy Easter..

I have not blogged in simply ages. I have been concentrating on art expression in visual ways and paint on paper or canvas ways. Today because it is considered one of the highest important holy days in the Christian calendar and as I did not attend a physical building I think it might be a perfect day to write and connect hopefully with others. When I say connect I mean others can read and respond or just read or ignore completely which probably happens more then not. 🙂 But it is my way to share this moment, on this day, on this occasion just in a different way then others share it. Except I am not confined to a physical location and specific time. When I post words and thoughts and any corresponding pictures it stays there and can continue to speak. That kind of tickles my fancy.. A bit thrilling cause it becomes timeless in its own way.

Just an easier place to connect for me and it is more meaningful too. Where I am not just sitting and vegetating in an environment where I am not feeling connected to others.

I cannot hear or enjoy any music, nor really join in singing or worshipping that way nor hear a good sermon or even bow in prayer and join with others cause I have no way to know what is being shared around me. Because I cannot hear it and I get distracted and I cannot enjoy it. I am not really drawn that way any longer.

I am here.. God is here and I am at peace and I can wholly immerse myself in what I am writing and flowing with here. I enjoy it.

I am so very thankful to HIM for what Easter means and I can talk about my recent painting that I didn’t get to share more about. HE continually is placing religious art and art supplies in my way and its so personal and HE is saying to me.. enjoy this journey and please express it and gladfully share it. I am here with you. So close. I have given you this way to express yourself and connect with others don’t be afraid to soak it in and you do not need to be this or that or go here and there and you do not need anyone else’s approval or to do anything different to what is on your heart and how I am leading you.. I feel so precious. So favoured and because I am online I can also share it which makes it a way to communicate too.

But it is different to the majority and it means not looking to traditional methods and it means every day reflection and inspiration not just on certain days. Every day is holy and divine but I am free to experience it in normal and every day life and also a way that is incredibly life affirming and life giving to me personally.

Religious type art expression again can set you apart and there will be only certain people who will respond to it and sometimes no one but it does sort of encourage people who are not religious to respond and take notice simply because its in art form and there is freedom there. All people can appreciate freedom well I hope they can. True freedom is what our LORD came to bring to the world in any case.

2 Corinthinans 3:17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

My art of Jesus on the cross.. was inspired by a $1 dollar purchase of a beautiful prayer book. I did intend at first to cut it up for collage and art journaling and it was cheap but I may not of course because I find it hard to cut up beautiful things. So much gorgeous art in this beautiful book as well as prayers and writings. You see when I find these things it truly is as if HE puts them in my path. Well within my budget and yes I will admit to collecting many beautiful things and also things that inspire me and I enjoy being surrounded by them…

I do not want to be so ‘religious’ as such though this would be considered religious art.. I want my art to be personal, from my core and spiritual but also approachable. To be completely honest to who I am and what I believe but also not make it so that it isn’t disrespectful to GOD and HIS presence and glory. HE is holy and grand in the grandest sense but HE is not to me a central focus where I feel I need to be like everyone else.. not that I do not need people or too belong. Just that through HIM I believe and see that I am joined to everyone else and I guess that fixed gaze does tend to keep me not drawn to different ways of living or needing to be like everyone else. Through HIM I live and find my whole being revitalised and totally at peace.

My whole reason to exist, like HE is the sun and I am simply one of the planets among a whole solar system of other planets and we are all rotating and going through our existence revolving around HIM and although each is its own separate existence we are all one because of HIM who is at the centre of all life.

Seeking HIM first and HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness (not my own) and then all these things are added to me .. my rendition of Matthew 6:33

I thought first about painting on a canvas or something blank that you could do something else with or display at a later date. But my art journal is where I am daily. It has many things in it that are all personal to me. I have not set out to make a living from my art money wise or to display it other then online. I just felt led to create it at a personal level. I had already pre-painted the background. It felt right to paint it in here. Alongside a cut up collage of a city scene in winter .. It says.. here is where I seek and find GOD in my every day life right where I am, as I am.

So I put myself in the painting looking up at HIM like I do in my personal life. Being Easter HE is on the cross and inspired by that book I just found recently so it all fits in together. I did hesitate to paint something like this because the image I am basing my painting on is so perfectly painted. By artist Rogier van der Weyden (1400 -64) Christ on the cross..

This is where I have to lose all fear. Just have a go. Let go. let GOD. I remember the other day walking around the house after painting the initial painting. I love to pray walking around lol and also I can pray doing most anything.

I was saying to God.. how minuscule what I create is.. How I live. How I appear and present myself in this world. All so miniscule. Immediately after that prayer was said my youngest son came up and offered to me a plate of my favourite snacks. It was so beautiful. Like a reward straight after and I thanked God and was at peace. I mean I tie everything in you know. So I just do my thing. I find my joy in it and good things happen to me along the way!!

This is my intention always. ***

2 Corinthians 4:7 New Living Translation
We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

and for a different slant from English Standard Version
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

So I can be unafraid even amongst the curled up pages of my art journal. My cluttered room. My introverted ways. By simple paintings.. to show you this absolute greatness of GOD that chooses to show HIMSELF through me.. ***

HE was vulnerable on the cross. At the mercy of me as an artist lol but also in life at the mercy of soldiers who didn’t care for human dignity or human suffering the cross was punishment and extremely cruel. I mean I realise they didn’t believe it was GOD right. But they would have heard the stories and maybe even witnessed miracles I do not know. I know the bible says on that day remarkable things happened. I mean this man was well known and he had followers and loved ones surrounding him. HE had stirred up a lot of people including the religious people of that day. HE was hated and HE was loved deeply.

To paint his body. HIS manly body. HIS human body. HE was probably stripped naked on that cross.. No decency here right. But I covered his maleness. I just wanted that to represent how I wish to depict truth but also not disrespect GOD or others in the process. I do not do what I do for shock value or even to disrespect others way of life. I see that modesty and honour is important. But I did start out being quite crude with my painting. I mean his arms are not right because HE was a carpenter HE would have been strong but to me the whole closeness of SPIRIT is hard because there is no touch.. there is no physical presence and I find that hard. It is lonely and I miss physical presence but faith isn’t seeing so you have to learn to trust and when you let go of the need for the physical closeness that strength and support brings.. you must find form and fortitude in weakness. So as I persisted on through my painting HIS face, heart, chest and lower body it became easier to form and paint. It was beautiful painting HIS body.. It felt freeing and I could identify with HIM as thoroughly human through this painting.. HIS suffering is beautiful to me because I have suffered and HE has become real to me in my suffering. So I am comforted.. I find hope and beauty in HIS suffering so that is how HIS thorns transformed to what appears a floral wreath.. though I did not mean that at all. I find my strength and momentum to live because HE is close to the broken hearted and HE himself was broken for me. Though HE is on the cross I believe and know HE has already overcome death, suffering and all evil and so will I.

By HIS wounds I am healed. At Easter and every day forward and back and for all eternity. I find life and not just life but abundant life.

 

 

 

 

Keeps Me Praying

Last night I dreamt of my ex husband… I dream about him often… I don’t understand it though…
He has his own life and there are no physical signs he wants me back in his life..
I have come to the place that whatever relationship on earth I have with him… Eternity is forever and I pray that for him most of all.. That one is assured! But I think why.. Why dream about him so often… It’s hard I get lonely and I don’t want to be single forever.. My circumstances have not been easy.. Being almost deaf… Single mum and having prayed for my future for what feels like forever…
I do cry still over it… It’s been a long long long road… I don’t know what is ahead… I mean people have ideas.. They get into a relationship. They make a career… I don’t have any of that.. I have my kids… I love my kids..

But I didn’t sign anything that said I was going to do this on my own…

I have not given my faith up… God is with me that I know… I smile knowing my own weaknesses… Because in my weakness I see His strength and this kind of tenacity to not give up… I know I don’t have a clue why or how or when… I have prayed for many people like myself over the years… But I have not seen physically too many breakthroughs yet I keep praying.. I wonder though what it is that drives me?
I mean people who see miracles you can understand they being busy… People who are in a group working kinda encourage each other. Even couples together can work and help one another…

But mostly I’m a loner… Yet I keep praying… 🙂 that makes me know something is going on behind the scenes..
That despite tears, frustrations, the lack of physical manifestations, long periods of praying for the same things.. I must have some inner hope that holds me strongly to this life I live… People do pray for me I know it..

But the things I’ve wanted most, dreamed of, hoped for and longed for…. have not happened yet.. Its those things I continually lay at Gods feet… Daily seeking Him for strength, guidance, even sometimes giving up completely cause its too hard yet here I am!

Still in this place… Still hoping… Still believing… Still praying.. Still speaking faith… Bless The Lord O my soul and all that is within me bless Your holy name…

When you KNOW there is something greater going on

I’m hearing impaired, based at home, I don’t work, not social, and I feel mute in many ways. Deafness seems to be linked with dumbness. I am not calling myself stupid but I suffer from this kind of inability to speak and express myself which is one reason I isolate so much. Honestly tongue tied, shy, introverted, wall flower or whatever you like to call it. Its real and it sucks and the wonderful thing is art, writing and poetry of late seems to be a wonderful release. The only release I seem to have. All day every day I have incredible loud noises in my ears. It interferes with life because I feel I have to speak over it but nobody else hears it. So for a quiet person having a loud voice is freaky and disturbing. I do not like to stand out and being loud makes me stand out everywhere..

To get to the heading and why I wrote it that way… Days can be hard.. Not going anywhere, seeing anyone or the normal conversations others have to feel a part of the world some days I feel I have absolutely nothing to contribute to the world and it seems to drain my mind of potential.

Yesterday I worked on an altered book (Brides book that was once a registry book but un-used) with lovely thick pages and I have been painting, collaging, creating new pages from old with colours and pictures… Its beautiful, spiritual and speaks messages from my heart but also its a place I retreat too which I can pour out into …. who I wish I was and who I am and what I’m learning.
I find I gravitate to God who is with me and how the relationship with HIM is my hiding place and where I find my life and purpose… Only when I lose sight of this connection with God do I struggle and then I kick myself that I get silly and focused on dead living.

Spiritual life is the greater reality. We are called to be the Bride of Christ.. technical term if you will for the closeness we experience when we are awakened to HIM. I nearly always capitalise HIS name its a respect thing.. Just my way of showing it.. 🙂

Back to the page.. This was the title page of the book declaring what it was created for … I had left it blank for some reason. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with the page ha ha I see it represents my life direction (I’ve had none for a long time) which must be changing too…

See with my art… it just happens.. I don’t plan it.. It just comes. So after some reading of a christian book “Creative Intercession ~ How simplicity, fun and art can move the hand of God : Allison Shorter” it isn’t the bible and a small amount of prayer.. I haven’t even been praying much. I turned to this altered book and with the words of the ebook in my mind started to do something..

Its said that in our weakness we are strong.. its so true because I had no great inspiration at the time but I know that something was coming out of me and it was not of me. Thus you see the reason for the title of this blog post..

The colour gold for the background was an idea that came… thats a royal colour, speaks of wealth and preciousness, the window, flowers, heading “Brides book” were already on the page I just coloured them in and of course I added the romantic pic because bride, groom and everything a bride is about is joining her life, love and self to another.

Her life was one way now it something totally different..

I made the window of stained glass which I admire in life and this beautiful central part of the page means it lets the light in but brings colour to it!

Marriage is about joining all that we bring to each other.. not just about two people involved.. I think of the bride carrying flowers, she receives gifts at the wedding, her belongings and all that she is becomes joined to her groom and all that he is and all that he owns becomes hers too.. Especially in relation to GOD when we join ourselves to HIM or acknowledge HIM and look to HIM.. trust HIM… give our lives to HIM.. its about all that we are.. all that belongs to ourselves.. Merges.. Union… One of the wonderful gifts of being HIS bride is HIMSELF but also that HE endows us with the beauty of so much more.. Another world… HE likes to gift.. and its ok to enjoy HIM and HIS gifts.. its beautiful..
In human life so much of the wedding day is filled with incredible detail which takes so much planning and time yet you know I’m pretty sure the bridal couple really only have eyes for each other on the day and all they are really thinking about is being together… In this page I’ve found so much more than simply intimacy but enjoyment, forces that unite and working for all time not just past, present but future.. Its provision, care, love beauty, gifts, purpose, fitting into the bigger picture.. Etc

Its weird because religion is all about what we should and should not do and how to do it… Restriction… Its here or there or at special times… we kind of lose ourselves in all the rules and regulations and mindsets.. but you can never do enough.. work work work.. But in these pages I find even though its all focused on HIM wow does that open things up.. I see beauty more.. Im rested.. I feel more and more joy and freedom… I find myself in these pages.. I find hope and inspiration and I want to know HIM more in every way.. The pages don’t say that my life is boring… they speak of love overflowing, no lack and expression flows and I have ideas and appreciation even the unseen is recognised…Colour, intimacy and enjoyment.. There is focus there, a world of possibilities and no restriction..

We are no longer beggars and poor in this world we are so loved and cherished and taken care of… HE wants us to delight in HIM and I am so thankful that in my hard times I have found HIM in the pages of a book that was intended one way but used in a total other way..

The hands around the edges are angelic hands.. And when it came to mind for this page I was a bit resistant.. Why bring angels into this? Its about romance, intimacy, lovers if you will.. An escape… Spiritual place… God and me ( which was not the intention as I started this book its just where it went)…
But when it flows I go with it.. They speak to me of tender care and a bigger picture that for the most is still unseen but yet it goes on all around us.. Of God loving me and my family that He sends us angels to guard and guide me/us. They take up a big part of this page and they are busy ministering to us on his behalf. There from the beginning.. Its speaks purpose to my life despite how it’s been and that in this very place of intimacy and focus on GOD with me I’m exactly right where I need to be…

It speaks supernatural and how many of us need that in our everyday hard normal lives… To imagine, see by faith and believe in the divine.. The words written across the top didn’t come up well but they say..

This year believe in miracles.. And ha ha the writing is kinda unseen 🙂

Possibilities…

I could go on and on about different aspects of this and that all sprang from nothing… That’s what art does to me.. Opens me up.. My mind, spirit, heart, eyes, ears and yet all from my bedroom.. Same place every day.. Where nothing changes but yet everything changes…

Glory to God..

Most of the art I do does not get much response… But I say to GOD.. Take from my weakness and humility… My unseen life yet I’m a royal by spiritual birth… And use it for “the greater yet unseen” purpose… Which is always there.. May GOD be known and HIS presence believed and this in itself bring miracles in the world around me simply because of HIM recognised in and through me!

3 Startling Graces of God – 1000 gifts/joy dare challenge

I usually write these on Twitter but only so much you can say on there..

I want to expand a bit on these graces/gifts God has given freely and without me having to do anything special to receive..
Life changing and keeps me you know believing through all my life no matter what happens..

1. Gods peace I received when our baby son was born, got sick and died at two months.. I mean our family was separated because i had the baby in a remote place… Four young children to care for, my marriage had had problems too so the peace held us all together during a very tough time.. I was watching RPA a medical programme on Australian TV last night.. one lady gave birth via cesarian section and the baby was small so it was dramatic.. I was bawling.. seeing it all just brought back losing my own baby… So even though its been 16 years.. I’m changed for life.. you never forget losing a baby.. and all the emotion that goes with it.. I want to hold him again.. normally.. not be separated.. etc.. and as tears poured down my face and my body shuddered remembering I realise that I still went through it and feel it..
Yet by the grace of GOD.. the incredible thing through the time in 1997 was that I was miraculously spared the normal grief and shock and upturn that a mother would go through at that time and for a long time after.. I was so peaceful at the time.. I hardly grieved… I just didn’t feel the grief and seeing that documentary last night.. I just continue to praise GOD because I KNOW what great peace HE gave me which is unexplainable and I will never stop talking about it because thats how great it was.. I just see that for some reason GOD spared me and gave me peace and it has changed my life about death, loss and hard hard things.. because I know HE is there with me.. and HIS grace is sufficient.. and HIS peace passes understanding.. I still feel hurts yes but remembering HIS peace.. comforts my heart always..

2. Through my divorce I was helped and I know it was GOD and it was through rainbows and peace.. One day while I was driving with the kids I saw double rainbows in front of us and this is really weird but they traveled along with us for awhile to the side in the vegetation and surrounding area and the reflection travelled along with us before they disappeared.. The kids at the time saw them too.. A sign to me GOD going before and to keep going…
Then they turned up again one rainbow on the day I went to start proceedings.. and another rainbow in the sky on the final day I was in court when the Judge ruled the divorce was acceptable or whatever they do… I don’t know all the legal jargon.. We had had up an up and down marriage for a long time but I prayed and believed for healing and better days just about all the way through our 18 year long marriage.. So It was a massive struggle to let go because no matter how hard it was and did get at the end I was determined my faith was going to outlast so I did pray and believe and keep going and divorce went against everything I believed about marriage and being faithful and sticking it out. I literally wrestled for a couple of day in prayer when I started thinking of divorce (I was deeply unhappy, struggling and failing being separated for a year and there was no peace) but I had to trust GOD and HE showed me a scripture that gave me peace again and I let go.. Started divorce proceeding and that was a few years ago now. But so much changed then.. Things got much better in the long run and God helped me through those tough times of dealing with all that.. Peace and a better relationship with my ex husband is one of them..

3. You might have read two blog posts ago that I have had my own personal struggles in latter times.. I’m laid back too much sometimes for my own good. But one of the greatest graces that keeps me going is knowing I’m loved and accepted by God and completely forgiven for all my stuff ups and screw ups.. All of them… To believe and know that God is with you always and will never leave… Wow… To know your righteous.. Perfect because of what Jesus did…. That’s freedom to live with confidence and security all your days… God doesn’t give up on me and never will… He loves me as if I was perfect and doesn’t see my sins.. My shortfalls even though I still have some and still fail… I can face each day with hope and his help and that I’m forgiven… Great is his faithfulness and He knows my heart inside when nobody understands me… I tell Him everything and He comforts me even when I don’t see a way through and when my hopes and dreams seem far away and impossible.. God also gives me great joy too a sign He is with me… Contentment another that no matter what He is with me and I can trust Him..

She Has Transpired

My heart expression (art pic below) not even finished and it begs me that there is a voice to be heard and something to be said. I have always had this annoying habit of sharing.. if it moves me I cannot not share it.. sometimes even half way through.. I have to hit send or interrupt the moment cause its too good to skip over.. I just know its so good.. why? It’s like my life is about recognising and passing that along.. Can’t help myself.. bad habits.. weakness..

I cried as I carefully cut out the cellophane me.. even the lines that signify me.. some of them disappeared because of the cutting.. Felt a very very vulnerable experience in expressing “invisible me” that it meant so much more than what was actually occurring. This truly is as clear a message as I can give about how I have felt about myself.. How I have felt around other people.. though amazingly and so ironically is that I’ve often been called “transparent” which has amazing opposite meanings like this..

“so sheer as to let light pass through”

“easily seen through”

“open, frank, candid, recognised or detected; manifest, obvious….”

So even as I write that word… and think about “invisible me” I realise that being transparent also means I’m different and in such a way that light passes through.. How amazing that God is light and I actually enjoy sharing about HIM! Showing HIS light is part of my purpose in more ways than one!

If people have said this and this is indeed how I am.. maybe the two are connected and this is how the spiritual unseen side is indeed manifesting. How God is seen!

God has surely said this about Himself.. My power is perfected in weakness 2 Corinthians 12:9

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves;
– New American Standard Version (1995) 2 Corinthians 4:7

Its “me” for sure.. and this art piece even as “is” exposes a raw nerve in me because I am revealing myself as honestly and openly as I can; how it really is (simply) and yet I question myself.. Why put this out there? Why? Why do I feel the need to share it.. why cannot it be enough to just create it and keep it to myself, hide it away in a drawer or box or inside my house somewhere and feel I am happy with what I created so far and move on.. why must I also do more with it?

Why, why, why do I want to put myself out there.. again and again and again..

Matthew 5:14-16
New International Version (NIV)
14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

See even though I feel invisible and vulnerable.. putting an invisible person out there AGAIN and an unfinished piece at that is damn stupid isn’t it.. but still my heart says.. do it.. do it.. do it.. say it.. say it.. say it. I just have to for some reason and the above verses say that is exactly what light is for! To shine and not hide and as Im transparent I seem to be fitted to do this.

Notice the little bright painted star in my chest where my heart is supposed to be.. a friend once said they cannot see my heart because I used to just post inspiring things, encouraging things on christian forums and through the internet instead of investing myself or my person. He felt something was missing.. He was right it was me.. I have felt I have nothing of my own to contribute so this created a vacuum inside therefore I had nothing of myself to give.

But at the time I thought I was putting my heart out there and as I have said before I have gotten less and less response to this so I have felt totally and utterly invisible even though I was out there every day..
I copied quotes and I communicated through what others said and used others pictures, beliefs, expressions to express myself and of course he felt and rightly so that everything I was doing was not from my heart at all.. Which it wasn’t in a way. No wonder I have not felt I had a voice..

But nevertheless it has been the way of my heart and yes I guess I too can understand why others stopped seeing me.. Maybe the star also signifies that although I have felt invisible I want to become the “star” of my life again..

Ha ha GOD has a sense of humour.. This came to me.

“shine like stars in the dark world” Philippians 2:15

Even when the words completely dry in me, I can create visually and recognise what I’m feeling and talk about that.. 🙂

I have been plugged in today to the song “Without You” by Mariah Carey because it came to my mind.. and yes here I am in my room again.. because when I listen to these types of songs I have to sing along and my kids give me that look.. here she goes again.. and they roll their eyes.. and I am almost forced to my room to bellow.. lol and as I get caught up in the lyrics and its just belted out its better for all.. I sing and contemplate while looking at others art and their heart messages call to me giving me added permission to do this.. So I listen over and over and over and I ponder what my heart feels then just start to flow through all this.. Its incredible what comes out as I process it.. things I didn’t even know were there.. but I just start seeing.. and feeling and sensing and when it starts to flow all the pieces come together..

As I was cutting out my figure for the art piece and being careful because cellophane rips so easily yes I was teary because souls are fragile but worth the effort to defiantly reveal because there is so much more to them than meets the eye.. all the while the lyrics were saying something about this.. I cannot live without you Mariah crooned… and yes without a heart and soul feeling and expressing from our innermost being we too become just a type of empty shell.. Not really alive without being fully ourselves (Cannot live if living is without You..)

I have been thinking about the many artists that inspire me lately.. and so many many struggle with being fully themselves and this often includes their relationship with GOD and a little sadness creeps in my heart.. because I too cannot bare to live a half life and I certainly couldn’t live without a greater meaning to my invisibility…
The whole existence of an unseen God gives my very heart and spirit wings, words and purpose. But why am I being sad because of this truth? Even if people cannot see HIM either.. HE is still there too and so much more than meets the eye as we ourselves also are.. I totally understand HIS invisibility and how much bigger HE is because of my own lacks. Its because of them I see HIM and find myself fully!

I have learnt to appreciate HIM in ways others may not so I guess all the more reason to give out this hope. I stubbornly believed in HIM even unseen and its because of recognising my lacks I found form, feelings, help, comfort, strength, possibilities its why I share this very thing right now. HE has come into view and HE is what brings me into focus in this medium and through these words..

I am simply letting my vulnerability reveal HIM as HE says will happen and finding there is purpose for my struggles and HIS strength is revealed in my weakness and although a weak person has nothing to offer the world and the world has nothing to offer a weak person.. If I were even a highly sought artist or writer I would have something to give and offer but unseen and un-noticed people have nothing to give or offer.. Yet there is something here isn’t there!

Trying to live without HIM is like wrestling with yourself and we live in ourselves.. but yet we wrestle on and on and on.. and wonder why we get so tired and when you realise there is no reason for strength ( that’s GOD) no reason for words (that’s GOD).. no reason to keep going (that’s GOD) .. you cannot just see HIM invisible anymore.. And there you have it.. The reason I am here.

The words “Without YOU” are indeed about me today… Oh how many times have I heard said to me “It’s not about You…” though I secretly smiled to myself when I heard that because they got it so right.. Today I could answer them clearly… “Yes I do know that”.. because it never has been about me..

But today and onwards is different. Suddenly I see that the world needs me too.. and maybe that is why I keep putting myself out there.. because I cannot hide and don’t want too.. I cannot not be me and every human struggle shouts loud.. yes yes yes I do matter and I want to be seen… and I would burst if I didn’t because the spirit/river has to flow.. I think inside everyone of us.. especially the imperfect unfinished art (us) cannot hide anymore and fear starts to lose its hold. The walls begin to crumble… You realise the river/spirit was always going to burst through anyway.. Ohh you know the cutout you (what we all perceive) is not just one dimensional and because you cannot give up its saying nothing is going to define you anymore as we are so much more than even the things we did in the past.. or even yesterday…. Yes we are going to be vulnerable right now, thats what people are.. and we are going to show ourselves no matter what.. Thats what people do.. and yes there might be a process and another layer or 50 more to come or go.. it might be unfinished cause this is what we feel or see today.. but its happening and its now.. We cannot deny it anymore.. We have transpired..

transpire verb –
to occur; happen; take place.
to emit or give off waste matter, watery vapor, etc., through the surface, as of the body or of leaves.
to escape, as moisture or odor, through or as if through pores.
to be revealed or become known.

Is there something I can learn from this?

Last night was a hard night for me.. I sat beside someone I have loved over half my life in emergency.. Someone who has made me a mother, I’ve loved and who I have prayed for, cried about, argued with and been majorly frustrated with amongst other things..

Ha ha he is also the one whom GOD sent to teach me how to love HIM and know HIM and all through our years together taught me so many things..

As this is public I will not relay anything personal about him but I will share how I feel about it.. Obviously being in emergency means something happened that is scary and shocking.. But I am glad I could be there.. Yes it was my ex husband.. but ohh my.. there is so much emotional history it is never just about that moment…

I have not slept much overnight.. thinking.. dreaming.. nightmares.. crying.. prayers.. talking into the darkness to GOD.. we have been divorced about 2 years I think.. but I was married 18 years and knew him from being a teenager.. We have 6 kids.. 5 on earth.. 1 in heaven..

I can be honest and say I don’t really know how I feel about us.. any more.. but I would do just about anything for him.. I still love him I guess but you move on without the other person beside you when they cannot be.. not by choice but because what else is there to do.. I have let the relationship go as much as I possibly can.. I mean divorce is pretty final.. But when an emergency happens it changes everything.. maybe more so for me inside.. emotionally.. Maybe that is the women in me.. or maybe that is just how I am wired..

I insisted he contact his family.. Im glad that he did.. but then its hard.. because I am not his wife anymore.. ex-wife sounds so eww… I so want to mean more to someone one day.. you know.. but that is for another time to write.. and I have written about that of recent some.. I have to remember my place now.. Look its not the same anymore.. maybe only people who have had broken relationships can understand this.. But I feel I take a back seat or even that I am not even in the vehicle now.. yes that is what I feel.. I could just be a friend.. which is weird.. you have to hit reverse when you want to hit drive.. give all the hurt.. the desires.. the hopes.. to GODS hands.. and let HIM lead you where he will.. and see what the other person wants… as my counsellor said.. Because his heart was not in it.. I had to let go.. yes I found peace.. healing.. but I guess an emergency brings things back to the surface.. I am still me.. I don’t stop loving.. feeling..

It hit home that in a moment.. any time your life can change.. I was able to be there to help last night.. not sure today what my role should be.. I can be smothering I guess and I can have my own views and well we are not apart because things were obviously perfect.. I saw GODS hand upon me to be there at the time.. things worked out that way.. that deeply encourages me.. And I have prayed for this man probably 20 years.. yes I guess you could say.. well those prayers really worked.. 🙂 I have thought about that believe me.. but we cannot choose what prayers are answered and how.. We also fail I am sure in our part that we play more than we care to say.. But I am stubborn… and it is part of who I am.. to pray and leave the results in GODS hands.. I have peace for the end of our relationship as husband and wife.. but it doesn’t mean I like it or wanted differently or understand it or know what is coming.. If I cannot be his wife.. I will be the best damn friend I can.. 😉

But it is hard to pray and pray and pray for a long time.. believe me I have prayed every sort of prayer.. my best guess is there is a greater plan afoot.. That there is a bigger reason.. I have certainly seen my own life play out in ways that affect a greater plan than I could ever imagine.. Not the way I want mind you.. but there is still much joy in the journey..

It is hard to keep loving.. caring.. hoping and wanting.. and not getting.. but that is true love isn’t it.. to love without reciprocation.. GOD reminds me just how HE loves all peoples and how HE understands when it isn’t returned.. 🙂

I can feel HIS heart too in this place as I have found HIM very close to me.. HE has been the one I turned too.. HE is a great comfort.. to talk too in the darkness.. to cry too.. to air my frustrations too and share my joys.. I have more hope and peace today.. I have felt the power of the moment.. because even as I sit here wondering how my ex husband is.. and what will happen.. and how things will go.. I must trust.. and I can let go and realise its ok to want things.. its alright to be honest.. its alright to feel.. and even if my ex husband never responds the way I want or wanted.. its alright.. GOD knows my heart.. and all of these things have their place even if I cannot see it yet..

Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.. . Galations 6:9

Journal Prayer

Good morning LORD… soon as I can YOUR first.. but I am glad I have washing drying on the line.. Oldest daughter took kids to school and I am dressed and showered and I have done my dishes!!!
Just feels better that is all..

Well here I am LORD.. and here YOU are.. I saw YOUR hand upon me yesterday.. I know YOU were with me.. and YOU know all about me.. I am happy now.. I am concentrating on YOU.. I do need to let go of some things.. AGAIN.. lol… but Im so glad YOU are here.. and this is possible.. and I can type write my prayer/ talk or whatever it is.. YOUR grace is sufficient for all things… Praise YOU for this..

I am going to see everything perfect..
I liked this quote I read somewhere yesterday.. Nisgardatta’s magic words _ “In my world nothing ever goes wrong” This is my salvation today.. YOU.. your grace… your mercy.. your forgiveness.. your view.. your love.. your perfection.. your glory.. your way.. your truth.. your life.. your hope.. your strength.. That this is how YOU see things.. this is YOUR realm.. YOU don’t see the failures.. you just see perfect us… Amazing.. I mean that knowledge swallows up all the niggly, horrible things that I could think about and vent with you..

YOU pointed some things out to me as I slept.. so I did wake up and scribble them down.. it is strange times.. but I feel keeping my focus on YOU is what will bring me through.. Its not about what happens to me.. or even the things that come against me or even what is not happening.. or what people think or don’t think.. Its about YOU.. and in YOU I am holy.. ohhh that is good news.. funny I feel this one should be published.. weeird..

Problems last night again with a person.. unnamed because YOU know.. but in YOU this is already dealt with.. and even though I got frustrated.. sad.. angry.. disappointed.. could have said so much more and wanted too.. but sometimes all I can do.. is tell YOU and trust YOU with it.. sometimes there isn’t another person around to tell.. Or who might not be bias.. or would understand.. because if I tried.. I would seem bitchy or they might think I’m depressed or they might think crazy… ha ha.. they might not understand at all.. Who does though.. like YOU.. who does understand us.. and how every word can hurt or we can feel mis-understood by even people who know us well.. And we want things LORD.. that never ever seem to come.. and you just know the other person has no idea.. Whoosh over their head completely.. and that in itself can drive you insane if you let it.. This confidence I find in YOU that YOU are listening.. that even though I don’t have a conversation perse with you back at me.. I find peace floods in or joy floods in and I just know I have been heard.. I begin to think good thoughts.. and my perception changes..
Thoughts come that are totally opposite of what my jumbled thoughts are creating inside my head.. They are cool thoughts.. to a hot head.. 🙂

LORD if sharing my thoughts, the way I get through things.. helps another soul.. it is worth it.. because YOU do help me.. YOU do listen.. YOU do understand me.. and ohhhh that is the biggest reason I keep my faith in you.. Not because of the big things cause honestly I don’t always see them.. some I do.. but there are things in my life I have wanted and not seen come to pass.. yet.. 🙂 but I love that I can believe YOU are here.. and I can believe that you love me and YOUR spirit is inside.. working.. helping.. strengthening.. using me… ohhh little me.. stumbling.. imperfect.. procrastinating.. lol.. little me.. with my big faults that people love to pick up on.. ha ha.. but YOU love me.. and I know it.. and I believe it.. and thump my chest because I won’t get down about the stupid stuff which everyone goes though.. and I will believe I am holy.. Wow that word and me together.. lol.. but YOU made it possible.. because YOU lived perfect.. YOU did that for me and YOU say I am with you and even in me through YOUR spirit and I believe it..
That makes everything work together.. and helps me along my way.. to keep going.. no matter what.. and they can say what they say.. or think what they think.. but I know YOU know and YOU know I know.. and that makes it all OK!!!!

Totally Opposite

Incredible how it works..

Thinking how seemingly little is affected by my life.. how little influence I have on anyone..

And GOD reminds me that I cannot go by outward appearances.. I was sitting around this afternoon scrap booking for personal reasons and just doing quiet at home things.. my usual one friend on face book I chat with was away.. Just no one around and I was feeling invisible and unwanted by anyone but not sad with it.. just aware of how it is.. You know the days when no one contacts you (family or friends) and you wonder that maybe its because you have nothing to offer them so why would they..

But… and this is why I write now.. GOD reminds me of times past.. where HE moved people because of something I did inadvertently… HE also reminds me of Gideon in the bible who was hiding in caves.. said to be the weakest of the weak of the tribes of Israel yet when the angel of the LORD appeared to him.. he was called.. “Mighty man of valour”.. or something totally opposite of what he in fact really was..

GOD has a habit of using weaknesses to show HIS strength.. moving in different ways to what people expect.. Don’t you love that about HIM.. Gives us all hope!!!!

Truly in my life I have not ever lived so hidden, isolated and even on social media kind of fading away.. even though I am there every day.. It does kinda make you look at your life and wonder what you are indeed doing wrong.. but GODS encouragement has flooded my soul.. I think now instead I am in fact exactly where I need to be.. And doing exactly what I should be doing..

Being that a total change of thoughts came to my mind which is so powerful.. and the peace and strength just emanate out of me instead of hopelessness.

Getting home not long ago from picking up a daughter from High School .. and after preparing food for our evening meal I now quickly run to type up this blog post. All this inspiration that comes into my mind I know is GOD despite me.. Yippee!!

I know I must write this post and I love that out of nothing comes something.. That I can write at all and it flows easily shows me GOD is working and the fact I am not discouraged that no one may read it.. Wow!!
For it has not come from any other source.. and I know it was not from my thoughts or heart.. because I was thinking total opposite.. There is a great blessing on GOD simply in us.. does not matter how it appears..

I had not long ago written to a face book friend whose marriage is in trouble.. and I was telling her how GOD sees her and her husband.. Which made me think.. silly me.. GOD doesn’t see me invisible but indeed a very bright shiny light that majorly affects the world around me.. And that I can write now.. and even the pics and verse on the pic all came to mind very easily and quickly.. Shows me greater things are happening..

I realise no matter how it seems.. or how it looks or how many hits/likes/comments a post gets and how many people I talk too through my day or how many faces I see.. GOD is with me.. HE doesn’t fail.. and I need to see it all differently too..