Tag Archives: WRITING

Epiphany to a broken relationship

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The perfect solution would be to start afresh. With no preconceived reminders of what we used to think of each other and where the other might be coming from. No longer a competition or any jealousy. Talking to one another as if we were great lovers or long distance friends who had not seen each other in a very long time. That every word was dripping with such an intense desire to be known and heard and we were lapping it up no matter how simple or sublime.
As if we had been transported immediately to heaven and there was nothing evil from past, present or future that could steal the genuineness of these moments. We loved each other. We adored each other and there was nothing at all to hold us back from the bliss at being in each others company. Pureness of heart in each. Total attention. Total freedom. Sweet, holy, divine.

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Thankfully I had awareness of the past but a protective shield on my heart to prevent me breaking down from the ugliness of it. It only made the beauty of this moment more exquisite. There you were all shiny and new. The smile on your face would surpass any I’ve seen on earth. It was genuine. Everyone that came here smiled the same yet every smile was uniquely stunning.

I stood like a statue. I guess maybe I could have run and hugged you. The kind that dramatic movies on earth capture so well in films. We have not ever had that kind of relationship before that we’d ever have done that but maybe we deeply wanted too. I knew we had no time constrictions in this place and there’s a gentle calm to every interaction. No need to rush here, it’s a forever thing. You are astonishingly beautiful. All the worldly heaviness you’d carried on earth gone. Lightness, carefree and shiny. You had eyes for me and there was no physical turning away that had dogged us on earth. I knew here you were also healed and free from physical impairments. You walked with a spring in your step. Confidence oozing but not in a way that belittled anyone else. Maybe others around were aware of this moment too. I do not know but it seemed only us present for the now.
There were no words our eyes held a knowing between us that spoke eons and our heads nodded in synchronization. We were filled with understanding that all the past had been dealt with and it could no longer separate us. We were free. Finally utterly free. Our minds, if they could be called minds in this place, were able to communicate everything with a glance. Pure love flowing continuously between us and words just simply were not necessary anymore.

We didn’t even need the thing loved ones on earth called embrace. But our arms found each other at long last and it was not fake this time it was real and if time were a thing here. For a time we did not let go.

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Searching for Angels

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DAY 24 – DAILY PROMPT:
Go somewhere completely outside of your normal routine to write today. Switch it up, try new locations, new music, new people, and new surroundings. Compare the output of your creativity with that of your usual places. Does that help? Does it hinder?

I went to the local cemetery, the old one lol because I have for a long time admired those beautiful angel statues  artistic type people take pictures of. Stone angels. It was a very hot day as I wandered around looking for angels. As always I didn’t give myself much time so I was not able to have a really good look around. Though surprisingly I did take in a lot!! There is a section for buried soldiers from the Eureka rebellion (famous in Ballarat) which I would love to go back to visit. I didn’t actually know it was here in our city like that. Learned something new from this exercise.

I have been to the newer cemetery where our baby son and my grandmother is buried but not this one. I have written a poem about my journey and what I found below along with my own photograph. I was surprised how well kept the place was. Gardeners and maintenance men walking through doing this and that. Beautiful gardens too. Smack bang in suburbia surrounded by cars driving around. But there are some lovely big trees planted. I wonder if they were planted back when many of the oldest graves were dug? I try to imagine what it would have been like in the olden days. Wagons and horses tied outside. Dust everywhere. People thronging in hats and coats or hats and everyone in black clothing or period type. Looking out at the gold fields which were part of our cities history and would have been I think surrounding Ballarat. We have two mountains that sit along the horizon and outskirts of our city. I always think as the old timers stood at the grave side they would be looking out at Mt Warrenheap and Mt Buningyoung. Some very elaborate grave stones dotted here and there. So there were rich people buried in this place perhaps they did well on the gold-fields? A lot of religious icons. I love that whole families were buried in plots together. Being the mother of a baby son who died at almost 2 months. It was heart breaking to see many little babies’ names mentioned buried in with their families. It was nice that they did that though.. Obviously infant mortality was much higher in the past.

I did sit and write after I’d finished taking photos. Near the front entrance in the shade looking across the beautiful manicured rose gardens. Some graves were so close to the street. That was hard to see. I know they are dead but to see cars whizzing so close to their final resting place just seems disrespectful.

I didn’t really have time to reflect with my writing while there. It was too hot to stay in the sun too long and uncomfortable even in the shade. But it was delightfully encouraging to be in different surroundings and I was noticing things more. Thinking of what it meant to me personally, what it meant to the people buried here, the beauty of some of the headstones and statues I did find. Lots of crosses and some of women with crosses which is interesting that it was women portrayed and not men. Jesus stood out most to me but I had to walk a fair way to find him. Kept thinking I have to walk all the way back lol and I don’t want to be late picking up my daughter from High school..

Plenty of seats dotted here and there for quiet reflection. Immediate thoughts were just scattered and random. I jotted words down in a blank page book I had with me. Definitely taking photos heightened the experience but that was not easy just using my Iphone. The glare of the sun overhead make it hard to see the small screen so I was blindly taking some shots. It wasn’t till last night I had to time to play around with them because that is something I like to do. Filters, aps and all. I hope the poem I wrote reflects more on what I was thinking and feeling. Least it is with less words. 🙂

I tend to stay in my bedroom a lot so to get out on this type of artist date was immense fun! I need to do more of them! I’d say the output is that I realize that I should get out of my house for regular artist dates and give myself time to actually do it and soak it in not hurry through. I love using my lap top to write best. Pen and paper is so scrawly so I tend not to want to use it too much. Just being out of my comfort zone and getting the stimulation for this post makes my mind leap ahead to what else I could do in the future. Good for the soul, good for body, mind and spirit.

 

jesus

Uncensored

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I don’t write certain things. I don’t want to see myself saying them. Or be heard saying them. God knows though even the things I do not say. I changed my poem today. Not a good idea to write monthly cramps. Changed to outward and inward pressing. Cramps are pressure. LOL I was creative in the saying!

I had nothing in the tank today. Nothing in yesterday. I just wanted to sit and watch tv. Switch off. I felt heavy. I looked around at my creative things and they held no interest for me.

So I prayed a little. Not a lot. Not for hours. But I know it helped because I did something creative.

I did rewrite a poem again too even after I initially hit post.. including my faith. I truly believe that is where my inspiration comes from so I cannot not put it in what I do. I KNOW well what is of me and what isn’t of me. I know that anything of faith will turn some people away and those who are different of faith or don’t think I have faith will turn away too. But you know if anyone wants to persist and they don’t have much to give or feel they have much to give, or are direction-less. I can at least tell them how I do it from where I am. I already know I am not noticeable in what I do so maybe nobody will care what I write about. But I do need to say it otherwise it’s not obvious that all this hasn’t stopped me. There is something in that. Either craziness or I am aware of more than just me. People cannot say they haven’t seen me out there. I am persistent. Even if I am ignored. So either I have nothing worth saying or I have something worth telling.

I have to say huh. I tend to think that what I have written sounds the same as it always has. But at least I am saying something. So much will pass away at the end. What remains and what is priceless is what the heart does. I think heart etchings or heart produced anything is unforgettable. People remember what touches the heart. It touches you. Heart goes to heart. Oh how that keeps me going even if I cannot see it touching people. I rely a lot on the unseen.

If people really knew my weaknesses anyone would see better my strength. That is why I do it too. I want people to know the strength I tap into is very very REAL. It is very good. The rewards for me are knowing I have done it. Enjoying it. The joy that comes and the acceptance of life no matter how it is panning out. There is peace in my soul when I create and express myself. I don’t get paid for what I do. I don’t get recognized a lot. I do not have any important documents to show for what I have accomplished.

It’s just this.. Words. Writings. Soul ramblings. Things left behind that share my heart, spirit, soul and life. Anybody that sees my home life would see. Clutter. Introvert. Too much coffee. An extra loud person. Laziness and procrastination. Indecision. Lack of focus. Hoarder and the list goes on. And if that is ALL they see they will and have turned away. Ignore me. Not pay me any attention. Delete me. Un-friend me. Pass me by.

Yes I bypass a lot myself. My weaknesses in favor of His strength. It’s where I see and know God best and it gives me unbelievable hope.  If God is seen when we are weakest, there is nowhere HE can’t be seen. If you have well known faults people can’t even accept you for and yet God hasn’t abandoned you WOW what does that say about Him!! There really truly is nothing to fear. We need never fear what we are not. Our imperfections can even be vehicles for HIM to reveal himself to the world. 

 Even at the cost of what people think. I use my weaknesses. God has said his strength will be made perfect in my weakness. So I take full advantage of that and find joy. Check the bible out. It’s in there!! 2 Corinthians 12:9 

This little canvas is just a practice canvas. Testing out my new artist handmade stamp. How putting text and a stamp on a canvas would work and how best to make it stand out. What mediums to use to do so.  How gelatos worked on canvas. That  sort of thing. But when I look at it as it is. It inspires me because it’s exactly how my life is. Simple, messy, cluttered, yet colorful, stand out presence, spirit, faith, not hiding…. So when I look up from my lap top while typing this out. I can see it right in front of me.

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30 days of writing

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I am doing another writing course for the whole month of February. Sharing here on my blog. 30 days of writing myself alive.

DIG DEEPER: Why do you write? What comes up first? If you couldn’t write, what’s the second best thing you would attempt in order to express yourself to the fullest?

I write because it saves face.

I do not have a very good public persona. I withdrew from the world as people know it because I am deaf or close to it. Modern technology doesn’t seem to work for me and I am also not one of the rich people who can afford the bionic implants. I have really loud noises in my head as well as hearing loss and the thought of drills and such just freak me out to the point I could not mentally cope with anything drilled in my head. So I opt for writing, using my spirit in a different way. I am a spiritual person anyway so my disability just really makes it all the more reason to express myself in writing and not face to face.

It’s like there are giant signs everywhere I go pointing to writing. It is how it is for me. I would close down if I did not have some way to express myself. The hardest facet is that writing is subjective. People can choose to read or not as it is not as freely expressed as using your voice in an instantaneous way. People are busy these days so you can be rejected easily expressing your very heart and soul simply because people don’t see what your doing as essential to their and your day to day presence in this world. I am learning not to take it personally.
Person to person. Unless you are a total jerk and people won’t talk back, most can function in society and say things they want to say and there must be a certain exclusivity in that because being deaf can feel very isolating.
I can’t do normal communication. I cannot easily communicate face to face. It’s like watching someone and you cannot hear a thing they say. A television playing with no sound. If you can read lips all and good. But many people mumble, turn away, get distracted, don’t stand close enough etc. So you have to work extra hard to understand what they are saying and process that at the same time.. They may have moved on to another subject while you are still processing what they just said. You are constantly behind the mainstream of conversation and cannot keep up.

It is very tiring trying to hear people and I just kind of withdrew from that and would rather use my energy in a better way but it can be very one sided. It means you miss out on the life others live and that there are millions of different ways to think and process orally so you tend to channel yourself into writing and communicating in a whole different way but it can be and seem very selfish at the same time though it truly isn’t meant to be. It means I have to put myself out there daily in public if I want what I have to say read. It can seem exhibitionist. Instead of simply a soul trying to connect and find her place in the world.
I need to read up a lot too. It means in order not to completely fall off the side of the earth or be in a little world all on my own. I need to be constantly feeding myself with others opinions and the little snippets they do release. Believe me most everyone says very little on social media and its getting less and less because of privacy issues and people’s distrust of the Internet. There is not anyone who fills me in on daily life or what people talk about even when I am around them. I am really in the dark most of the time concerning the ins and outs of even close people in my life.

Whereas I guess most people are talking daily even to the people around them and in their daily travels. I am not at all doing this. So I have even more reason to write and shut myself away to write. You cannot sit with someone and give them attention and keep the creative juices running.. I can’t anyway.

As you can see my writing tends to be about my struggles, my world and that sort of thing. If that didn’t come out of me I think I would go totally insane. I need to say things be it to myself out loud, to another person or just to help process it. I find it hard to just think in my mind. Mull things over. Cause my thoughts have to compete with the noises in my head. Called tinnitus. Seeing the words via type on a page or screen gives them freedom and I can understand what I am feeling better.. My brain is a jumbled place with the constant noise inside it. You can feel stressed even if your body is at peace because the noises are the place your self first focuses on. Writing tends to give me another place to focus outside myself and it truly helps and I can be so busy thinking about what I am typing/writing that the noises fade into a background place where I forget about them. To listen to another person would mean the noises are competing against that person and do appear to become louder and that is extremely annoying.. On a screen or page my words have no competition at all and they are free and its truly easier for me to be released as a whole person be it quietly or crazily or gently or loud but its of my own choosing.

The second best way to express myself is visually. Though I cannot easily draw or paint exactly what I am thinking onto a page and do not seem to be talented in that area or naturally flow that way. A photograph can say it if you use the lens creatively or collage using various mediums together. I am learning this more because it can be tiring writing and it gives you a different way to see and express yourself. I love to combine writing/poetry and visual arts too. Like digitally or on paper. Like anything you need to stick at it so I am very thankful for this 30 day course again!

 

Ode to Socks

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I’m in so many groups but I’m keeping this one up. Poetry prompts for 365 days of the year. Doing these as often as I can.  This was a fun one and yes these are our family’s odd socks in pic..

Don’t ask lol.. Prompt was about Twins where the first line and last lines were the same. Socks. Twins. Odd socks that once were twins.. My crazy mind uses it imagination. Stretches me. Keeps my brain active and creative spirit alive and kicking..

Ode to Socks

Where are thou oh sock
the mystery is making me cross..
You’ve disappeared into thin air
and left us with dross.
Where once there was a wearable
matching pair.
Now frustratingly only one sock
means a foot remains bare..
You’ve not turned up in any place
the family does look..
Not to be found high or low, in any
cranny or nook..
Nobody can remember when you
were last seen..
All we know is that you were taken
off in hast as unclean..
Between than and now a magical
force has mysteriously zipped you
away..
One sock washed, dried and found
& the other gone astray..
You’ve been sucked away by an
unworldly unseen menace..
For all we know you could now be in
Rome or in Venice!!
Unfortunately this is not the first
time for this dirty sock thief..
The vortex that sucked you far away
has left similar trails of grief..
A whole bag of lonely socks in the
laundry quite disturbing..
If all the socks came back it be
raining socks from the laundry to
curbing..
So here is my heart cry about our
strange sock loss..
Where are thou oh sock the mystery
is making me cross..

 

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I can say it in other ways..

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It’s incredible how easy it is to write the poem in the image.. getting it into that form however wasn’t so easy. 🙂  I kept making errors. I had it all ready to finish and found a spelling mistake, than I found something else etc.. I just think it looks better in image form. Colors, font, even the little icons added.. It was not so easy finding a cross icon either. I had to use various tricks to get that on my image..

I think for the longest time I kept it positive.. but you know when life is difficult you cannot just be positive and stay real. One of the apps I looked for pics to go on the image.. 99% of the pics were positive and that is wrong really. Life isn’t all good all the time. To be real you need to talk about dark things. I guess the cross image many wear and see as a faith icon and I do too.. But having faith is tough too and although we believe and speak love and positive good things we still have to honest with ourselves, others and GOD that it hurts and its hard and we cry and get angry and fail. And of course the cross was an instrument of torture and death. So I feel the cross and arrows really portray what I am saying here.

I have so much stuff inside me to tell but few to nobody to tell.. not without it coming out the wrong way or being completely misunderstood. There is just something about telling things to people who look at you like your crazy or don’t really take things you say into their heart or judge you in the telling or tell you no no no its not like that.. It is like speaking to a closed door or a brick wall.. I don’t mean they have to agree or even like it. I just mean listen with an open heart and open mind and let you freely tell it.

I don’t like burdening the one or two who do listen especially when they do not burden me the same. So when I read the prompt for today this just burst out of me. I get prompts from all over.. I love them..

So many times lately I have had written out face book posts and almost hit post and publicly shared the pain of my soul but anyone who uses social media knows not many can deal with dirty laundry.. the tough stuff.. the dramas of someone’s life. Even if it is truth or real or a major struggle.. I do not know how believers in GOD deal with the heavy stuff.. because let’s face it WE ALL HAVE IT. I guess private meltdowns?? Or perhaps they have a group they meet with and talk about things? A therapist? A spouse or parent or friend? Or they simply just never say it. I would burst I can’t do that. So this seems a less evasive way to deal with it.

Some of us don’t have someone available. My best friend is half a world away and we are in different time zones. You cannot just slot in when you need to talk.. AND I do talk daily to GOD.. because people say well GOD should be enough.. well hello.. everyone talks to someone.. and those who don’t go crazy I think.. because we are created to talk..

Deafness robs me of 95% of conversations I could have.. so yeah poetry seems a great way to express my inner soul and struggles and joys I have..

Creative Prompts

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4th January 2016

Write down an achievement you feel proud of:

I am happy I created some gifts at Christmas. Inspirational cards. I gave some to my sister, cousin and brother & sister in law. I had been making them many months before.. so I am glad I was all finished by the time Christmas came around. My cousin actually took quite some time looking through her cards.. that was nice to see.. I really really enjoyed making them.. I love inspiration, matching pics with words.. and I did both sides of the cards so that there is more inspiration.. I have a glass box of smaller cards by the side of my bed.. I like the cards and maybe will give them away one day or just keep them myself. I suspect I could create them and sell them.. but not sure of copy right.. I have amassed quite a lot of magazines to find the pics.. I have not made any cards for awhile though. I have another set I can give away.. perhaps to another family member for her birthday later this month.

inspirationcards

 

My creative flames are fanned by…

Face book friend Amylisa is one.. long time online friend Dustin of course.. I really do not get a lot of feedback. For the amount of stuff I put out there.. Minimal I get back. Hasn’t stopped me. But it does stall me many times. I mean the little crumbs I get can feed me for ages but imagine what I could do if I had more support!! More belief in my expressions.. SIL Lisa was interesting in her comments when I explained how I could see tiny faults with her gift. She couldn’t notice and I would be the one most likely to notice things but it didn’t mean others could. I am not wording this exactly right. But it helped.. made me see that I might be better than I think I am!! That is very positive.. Dustin sees so much of it. I can share it.. pretty much any of it with him ha ha and he has not complained once!! .

 Malcolm God rest his soul was perhaps my most vocal encourager and time has proved he is genuine.. ( I say that because if you encourage me and then turn away it shows a divided heart and I don’t know what to do with your mixed messages).

Malcolm said the most beautiful things.. and very deep, thoughtful and meaningful things. He really is still the wind beneath my wings. I often wonder if perhaps my lack of self confidence shows in what I create? And people can see that and it doesn’t resonate with them. I think actually the more honest I am the better it connects with people.. it’s just brutal honesty is costly.. few do it. And it makes you stick out like a sore thumb. People don’t tend to see your heart behind it. Judge on face value or by who they think you are..  I don’t know it’s weird. I think it all makes me try to be more genuine about things I say to others..

The people who inspire me most are…

Creative types.. Poetry writers.. Artists. Quirky people.. Colourful people.. Those who are Unafraid. You get a sense of their realness. That what they say is how they feel. I have learnt to be much less wary of differences and to embrace people of all kinds.. It makes sense if you want to say how you feel others have that right too!! Uniqueness and authenticity. Battlers and those walking their own paths have wisdom apart from the masses. They may even be outcasts but they don’t say just because its popular or likeable. They have challenged the status quo. Kind people.. People who accept you for who you are and don’t expect you to be like them.

What sets my life on fire…

Words, music, quotes, beauty, books, collecting things that I enjoy that make me happy.. I like writing, poetry, creating art journals, working with prompts… Finding treasures.. Talking about how I feel. Sharing things that excite me, sadden me, inspire me.. Blogging.. Stories.. Soul.. Spiritual people.. People who live whole-hearted lives. Faith.. Talking to GOD any time.. Embracing who I am.. I can be happy on my own.. I like expressing myself.. I love joy.. I love touching others with inspiration.. Obviously being deaf I need written words…. If I am included as I am you’ve got a friend for life!!

I will seek out my people here…

99% of the time its online.. art type groups.. spiritual groups.. I am happy with one special person in my life.. I don’t like crowds. I love reading and drawing strength from creative people.. I read their writing, look at their art, read their blogs, soak in their teachings. Share their work and offerings.. I read a quote the other day and it really expresses what I feel.. Posted below.. I know I can get lonely.. I can feel alone.. I can feel in my own little world.. but when I am in my flow.. Aware of spirit and that kind of realm. This quote says it perfectly.. God is with me so I believe in spirit I am connected to everyone no matter where I am..

“Although I am a typical loner in my daily life, my awareness of belonging to the invisible community of those who strive for truth, beauty, and justice has prevented me from feelings of isolation.”
– Albert Einstein

Prompts are taken from a free journal challenge hosted by Lisa Sonora. The prompts I have chosen to blog here comprise of only some of the prompts she has offered and come from more than one day..

find details here

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Found Poem

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I found a free sample offering of a Poetry course I am thinking of doing in the near future. I will add link below.. I do recommend the teacher she is amazing! Her name is Beth Morey! I have purchased her poetry book. “Night Cycles.”

Her book on amazon

Her free offering encouraging me to write a “found poem”. Insert below copied from her post.. find link to post below..

For our first assignment, let’s have some fun and create found poems. According to the Academy of American Poets, “Found poems take existing texts and refashion them, reorder them, and present them as poems. The literary equivalent of a collage, found poetry is often made from newspaper articles, street signs, graffiti, speeches, letters, or even other poems” (source).

I love cutting out pictures from magazines etc so this pic is from a fashion magazine and I found an old book and just cut out words and phrases here and there. Whatever took my fancy at first.. What first caught my eye was the phrase. ‘She wore the green dress’.. so I used that as the basis of the whole poem.. Hence the picture I found with a woman in a green dress.. Than built the poem around those words. Of course some words I had already cut out didn’t fit so it was a real challenge to find words to fit my pic and poem..

Put them altogether. It really makes you think about what you want to say, what the photo evokes in you etc.. Like writing a mini story..

Being a single woman. On my own a lot and a romantic at heart. I let my imagination run wild.

 

The Guide 

She was dreaming.

She wore the green dress.

he would guess mythical, romantic, carefree.

What an extraordinary girl, he thought.

He let the tranquility and mystery cloak him.

it entered, sat in his heart.

He held it there.

She wished to be unobserved.

He sat for a moment and watched her.

Yet now, unbidden.

Sank back to normality.

Hauled out of his daydream.

maybe one day.

Coming towards him.

eyes fixed with hunger

made him giddy beside her.

He sighed, waiting.

He could only watch, helpless.

the one guarding her.

he stood.

and looked out over to the west range

but the garden and surrounding grounds

remained empty of life.

 

 

The Guide

Introducing POETRY IS + Free Sample! – she of the wild

 

Little Streams

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(To create the digital image that fitted my poem – combination of pictures I used Diana ap.. A third picture miraculously appeared in my iPad ap. So astounded me! Worth mentioning here! Added it below so out of all my pictures that could have appeared that one turned up!!! So I decided to combine the three pics together. Ha ha the LORD wanted in and it wonderfully is what this poem is about anyway!)

Little Streams

Don’t be afraid to let go the broken pieces.
Cupped so tightly in your hands.
The pieces that you’ve gathered from near and far.
They pierce your hands even as you hold them.
Mingled with your blood and tears.
They’ve been trampled on and flung to the ends of the earth.
Nobody treasures them but you.
Let them go into the little stream.
I know your in a desert but see it.
Even here it still flows.
I know you’ve lost your way.
Can’t find your tribe.
The people who understand you.
Who embrace and love every part.
They are waiting too.
To join with you.
But first you must find that you are exactly where you need to be.
You are found.
Now let them safely go..
Each jagged piece matters.
Place them in the little stream because it always flows from where you are to where you need to be.
Just need to realize that you can find the little stream right where you are.
It will carry all that is misunderstood and all that is broken towards the purest crystal sea.
HE is there.
To collect and mend your broken pieces and welcome you home.
This little stream and every other all flow towards HIM.
Flowing to a place so beautiful you can finally show your full face and all that you are without shame.
Where there is no more hiding.
No need to escape.
No more being lost.
No more misunderstanding.
No more rejection.
No more abuse.
No more poverty.
No more injustice.
No more hatred.
No more evil.
Where your soul has yearned to be.
Where you are completely free.
Love lives there.
For the stream will carry all that has brought pain in your life to this healing place.
Your heart will be at peace as you fully release your earthly bondage.
Even while you are still kneeling there.
Wherever you are.
Whoever you are.
Unearthly strength will flood your whole being and instantly change everything.

By SMP ~ Peacechild4

  

  

It’s about Abuse

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A hard post to write. It is about abuse.

But needed oh so needed.
Some reason I have always needed to get things out of me.
I know people don’t like you publicly saying things about struggles.
Especially struggles with other people.
God comforted me today about that.
He reminded me of the story of David and Saul.
A story laid out in the bible about a relationship that was difficult.
And difficult for a long long time.
Every time that is preached. Every time that is shared somewhere.
Every time that is read. It is not hidden. It is not hushed. I consider it public.
It is read and it comforts, strengthens and helps those who hear and read it.
So if you read this and you don’t like the content and you judge me. God knows my heart.
God obviously thought dysfunctional relationships were important enough to add in the bible.

Judge God not me.

There is a victim mentality about. That when you tell about something hard.
People are confronted. They don’t know what to do with it. They don’t care and think you shouldn’t air it.
They like to add their opinions, make excuses for it. Cover their ears and eyes. Give their opinions.
Ignore it. Compare it to something that happened to them. Blame you etc..

I know I feel like a total cow to speak about it.
I feel ashamed that it has happened to me. That I cannot just move on. Least I am honest.
Definitely NOT totally thinking of myself speaking about it. Because when I put myself out there. People will judge even more than they normally do.. Read any public post there will always be some negativity there somewhere and often from friends and family. That is just humanity. Everyone sees things differently.

You know I am almost deaf too so I can’t just easily sit down with a therapist!

We all need to get things out of us. We need to share our burdens. We need to tell someone.
We need people who care enough to listen. That goes both ways of course.
A person who has been abused needs it even more.. But its hard to tell. Many times you will hear of abuse stories and the person has not told anyone for a long long time. And you think why are they letting it happen? Why are they staying? Often because there are few safe places and people who will take the time to hear us and not judge.

All the while the person who has had it happen to them. Takes on all the struggles our society has with dealing with it too.
They feel unheard. They feel that what has happened to them does not matter.
They feel stupid for mentioning it. They take on the blame even if it isn’t theirs to take on.
They suffer even more because people don’t know how to deal with it. They carry more because the person they
tell often gives them a list of things they should try, lists how they should stand up for themselves and basically anything else that only adds to the load and further hurts the victimized person.

If someone is brave enough to tell you what is happening to them by another person and they are deeply hurt.
That should be enough to warrant comfort. To warrant a shoulder to cry on. To warrant being heard and understood. It shouldn’t warrant that their pain is labeled, categorized, compared or given solutions.
I am sure solutions are needed!! But firstly more than anything else that person needs your love.. They need to be heard.. Held if they wish it. To be believed. Sometimes it isn’t about their enemy. It is about being believed and being heard and being offered another’s strength. Not turning them away when they are desperately seeking someone to listen. To simply hear said ‘I am so sorry that is happening to you.’ ‘What you are going through matters.’

I definitely fail too at caring adequately for other people.

I have found that most people do not want to know. And when I have bravely spoken up I feel that as rejection like a knife in my gut if they other person just fobs me off and doesn’t seem to care.

The people who have abused me. Usually are nice people in public. They don’t know what they are doing or just flat out deny it or are moving right along and can more easily deal with it. They seem unable to emphasize with what I am telling them about what is happening and how I am feeling.
I just wish sometimes people would believe me. Know my heart or understand that I am not a vindictive person and that I can move past things it’s just I need to deal with them at the time too. And if time passes without anything happening I cannot and will not just pretend everything is ok.

It has actually caused me more distress than the actual abuse that people move on and pretend all is fine when it clearly isn’t. Seriously this has harmed me. Ignore anything long enough and you can put it out of mind but that doesn’t mean an issue goes away it just means that issue is continuing on un-addressed. That is how a dam bursts if that little cracks are not fixed and are ignored eventually they widen and the pressure of the water inside the dame will burst through.. Small things do matter. Especially if they keep happening over and over again. One can say that is in the past over and over too. But the past affects the future anyone knows that and if it continues it will blow up in your face.

There have been a precious few that have picked up on it. But unfortunately it has damaged me like a vase that is dropped. I can’t go back to the way I was. I can’t just be that perfect person not that I ever was.. Neatly packaging up what has happened to me into a pretty package with bright red bow and putting it in the past because it still affects me every day. I can forgive yes. I do. I have too.. I could not have peace if I didn’t. But I cannot just sit down and let it continue. This is part of why I write this. I am struggling with a current relationship and I don’t know how to do this in a beautiful way. I have to be as honest as I possibly can.

A lot of this is behind the scenes. Manipulative treatment that does my head in. Seems to have been my lot in life to be targeted by this person and others both now and in the past.. But this person is the one I am struggling with the most right now. Christianity makes it harder. Because we are told to forgive even turn the other cheek. Well I am telling you I have done both.. I always forgive. But I can’t forget. I can’t easily see it continuing when the other person keeps doing it over and over and over. Yes we are told for forgive 70×7. But I ask anyone if they are continually suffering by the same person who is going to just stand there and let it happen over and over and over again. You might forgive but you are not going to stand there anymore. That would be foolish.

Every time I try again to work with this person it damages me further. So like David in the bible I must escape it for now. When God gave me that story in my mind it helped me. Because this has been going on for years. And David and Saul’s problems went on for years too.. Not a good outcome for Saul either.. Sigh.. Not focusing on that. Mostly I focus on the length of time it is going on and why when I pray and pray it is still ongoing. And if this story shows this actually happened to someone I can rest that I can identify with it in the here and now. David was not responsible for how Saul acted and the hatred of him. I am not responsible for this person mistreating me either. Not saying it is hatred.

One thing I feel I need to write is. If you are going to question the person who is telling about abuse in any form. That you step back a bit first. Think to yourself. Who is this person that is telling me this. Is this person a known liar? What do I know about their background? Is it possible they are telling the truth? Is this person a known stirrer? If this was true how would they be coping? Perhaps it is possible the way they live and things they do stem from things that have happened to them and not from being a ‘bad person’. It is very likely you have not added up all these things. Because if the victim is lying. Why tell it in the first place? We really do owe any person love. That everything in their lives has brought them to this point. All the things that have happened to them have brought them to this place.. If you choose to judge them than your not loving them. Your not considering how they are or what has happened to them to bring them to telling you this. Yes people lie.. But is this person a liar?

I surely hope people do not think of me as a liar when I say these things.

People and family do know of it. I would say right now there is not one person who is really helping me with this. A few have helped in recent times. God did bring a wonderful close friend even closer for a long length of time to help me. This person currently I have no contact with. I do feel mostly peace about that though. I just have to believe people come and people go for a reason even if I do not know what that reason is for.

People have said to me.. ‘I would never let someone treat me like that!!’ when I have mentioned mistreatment before. Well that doesn’t help. I am not a confrontational person. Never have been. Maybe I do not stand up enough for myself. But I don’t go down quietly. I let people know. Hence this post. Hence many things I have said. Mostly though people don’t take much notice and don’t offer me some comfort when I tell them. So I am left to my own devices. Yes it can mean I internalize it. Yes I can become selfish and withdraw. Run away and hide away even. BUT I am telling you it is not weak to say something it is bloody brave. I do put myself out there and that IS not easy..

Hence another reason I share this. I am not caring about what other people say. I have prayed about this before writing. No check in my spirit to stop. In fact I am writing this very easily. It is needed and perhaps others need to read this too.

I will be posting a link to this on my face book. I will not hide it. I would like to do an art piece or photograph or poem in the future about this. Perhaps many more blog posts or art pieces too.. I don’t know.. I can’t move forward in a healthy way without addressing this. I cannot find healing. Perhaps people I know might be more understanding I can only hope. I will share one of my favorite scriptures about bad things and how God uses it for good. It is my genuine wish and desire that this very promise works for me in such a way..

Genesis 50:20
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

faith