Monthly Archives: May 2015

My way to cope with pain..

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From Heart Recylce 101 – Workshop.

How did you cope / are coping with the pain? Remember, pain doesn’t magically disappear. It must be recycled. What have you been recycling this pain into, so far? 

My faith has made all the difference and prayer. Support online.. I also have the burning in my bones need to share.. Although it might seem I’m looking for attention. If I didn’t do what I do. I’m talking entirely to myself or writing stacks of diaries or going bananas.. I needs air, light, even someone to say “Oh I go through that too..” It has kept me sane. Given me support.. If I waited till the people came to me to offer me support. I’d be dead. 

It’s like excercising but for the Spirit.

So I go to the people online. Whoever it might be. I can’t exactly sit down and have a chin wag lol. Talk. I can’t hear (deaf) to reply or listen or communicate like normal people do. I don’t say hardly enough now and I don’t get enough practice talking to people to not feel awkward or shy or like a stunned mullet. But the more honest I am the more it comes out and up and from places that no one knows about sometimes not even me. 

Art, expression, journalling, writing, blogging and poetry of late is my soul/spirit living the only way I know how that works for me. I’m so glad when I see beautiful colors coming up from that place and onto the page.. Inspiration still high on my list of favorite things to do and seek.. It means for all the darkness and all the trials and tears and pain I’m still alive and kicking. Spirit is strong. 

Recycling is taking a blank page and doing my thing not someone else’s thing. It’s having a go. It’s being brave and sharing that in public. It’s putting stuff out there that might have errors and isn’t perfect but it’s damn real. It’s authentic and its me. Me in people’s faces in a whole different way. Reminding them that even through the worst life offers us we can rise from the ashes in a brand new “kicking it” form!

  

I’m an Artist! 

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 My Art, My Words, My Heart! 

So thankful to Abbey of The Arts for the free course “Pillgramage of Resurrection” led by Christine Valters Paintner and husband John Valters Paintner. Heart Recycle 101 – writing workshop and leaders Andrea Balt, Victoria Erikson and Tyler Knott Gregson. Both are helping me find my flow and rhythm! 

  
  

To Hear or Not to Hear

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Attempt at poetry 🙂 for writing course I am doing. Heart Recycle 101 with Andréa Balt, Victoria Erickson and Tyler Knott Gregson.

“Try writing a poem for each of your 5 (6 if you’ve got it!) senses, each poem focusing on ONLY one sense at a time.”

I started with hearing of course because its a physical sense that has decreased since my 20’s and now I am considered severely hearing impaired. Deafness or hearing loss is something that affects my life every single day. I have never attempted to write a poem about it either! A first for me. I will add a hand drawn pic of my ear also.. Ha ha.. that was about the closest personal creative thing I have really done to express my hearing loss. Actually it is a very moving experience to share these together.. My life is coming into something beautiful I feel.

I hardly edited this writing so its rather raw and that is how I wrote and it came out.. If I thought about it I would write different things. I do believe I will improve the more I try writing poetry. Obviously first attempts are learning grounds. I want to be authentic and hide much less.

Opening myself up in fewer words came much easier than I thought. Saying too much has always been my problem I would love to condense more. Put out more concentrated writing.. Poetry is that!

To Hear or Not to Hear

I don’t have a choice

It’s not to hear that’s for sure

Irony is endless noises in my head day in and day out I can’t win

How much one is affected by no sound?

The things you miss

Rain on a roof is now just a roof getting wet.

A whisper of intimate things is nothing but a leaning in close

Somebody talking could be telling where fortunes lay

I could not tell

Laughter at you because you thought you knew but didn’t

Strips your confidence

Heightens your sense of vulnerability

People say if I had to lose one sense I would choose deafness

Would you really?

hearing

Heart Recycle 101 – writing assignment 

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I’ve not long started a week long creative writing course. 

This is just a piece I wrote tonight.. This is what came out.. Anyone who frequents this blog knows how I write. I want to find different ways to say what’s on my heart. Writing is my thing but strangely though I’m not a good communicator. I can see I need to stretch myself more and try a different way. I’m seeing in even rereading this where I can make changes.. 

Ha ha nowhere near condensed enough to fit into one or two paragraphs..

1. Become the seed. Take your top three most painful experiences. How can you turn these painful experiences into one paragraph or two paragraph descriptions? Take the reader into their senses through recalling your own during those moments. Make them feel it. Show them, don’t tell them. Think detail. Think skin, goosebumps, the energy, the scent.. 

Enter into what has been the most painful three experiences of my life. Losing my marriage. Losing a baby boy and almost losing the complete physical capacity to communicate in the hearing world. 
There is semi darkness but faith in God has kept the light shining so I could just see just enough to not give up completely. It has not meant I was spared loss. I have not been aware of many others that could understand the isolation of this place so it’s appeared on the surface.. a journey of one. Forces that have put me into an arena I didn’t sign up for. Like a pawn on an empty chess board but I still have to play the game and follow the rules like normal when it is anything but normal. It’s being aware of people around you but they are transparent… Other chess pieces on the board but you can’t interact with them – and they can’t or won’t understand what your saying. But still you say it.

I almost lost the will to live but un-natural peace within when my baby son died gave me supernatural hope and strength. God spoke to me and said “I am with you.” I believed Him.  

Catalyst to staying in the game of life which has given me purpose to tell it and share it with you now. 

Even though the sobs rise up from deep within as I tell this. Who would want to know of a path of pain if there were nothing to learn or to gain and no help along the way. I may have journeyed this road but I was not totally alone. An unseen hand has moved my chess piece and continues to do so. Sometimes the game stalls and I move nowhere. Sometimes there are great advances and sometimes great losses.

It has seemed black and white but the sky above is filled with colors. My chess board might be small and I may not even move very far or go anywhere. But I’m not afraid even when tears fall. I see rainbows in my sky. I keep looking up.

I get hugs from my living children who are with me the majority of the time. I am good friends with my former husband. We have peace. I have encouraged others for years who have lost babies and I pray for the hurting and cry to God for them. Most of all I write and keep expressing myself because deafness won’t stop me this way. I can communicate freely and loudly without disturbing people and even though they might still ignore me, the more they do the more I write.. 

I am playing my game out with words, art and persistence. Sore fingers from writing my heart out on a keyboard where messy writing will not stop me, being misunderstood doesn’t shut me down and my heart is louder and more alive than it’s ever been before…

Today’s word is Love

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“Love” And my interpretation of it.

This digital art is two photos blended and framed. All done on my iPad using aps.

Of my sister and I.. Childhood with our father.. Black and white.
2nd is us both in recent years.
The way the photos overlap is extremely meaningful to me. Family.. Spirit.. Blood.. No separation.. Truth sets free.. Her and I overlap and are as one in both.. Love that.. I need to rest in that.. 

This relationship between us as sisters has been a huge personal struggle for me in recent years.

Gods Spirit has been speaking to me about just loving her through it. 

Loving her as I myself desire to be loved.

Overlooking offence..

I believe this kind of love is what we both need.. Just like God so loves me and sees me pure and holy through HIS Son.. My desire is to love and view my sister the same way.. 

It’s hard to be “real” without saying the wrong thing or saying too much.. 

So I hope my art expression says much more.. 💗

  

Revealed in Darkness

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Today’s word I’m up to in my Abbey of the Arts pilgrimage is – Monk – 

I like the fact that though I hardly see a soul during my day to day living and it’s rare I can share my heart person to person.

When I post on social media, here on my blog and on different platforms..  My heart is continuing to speak always. Across the world.. Whenever it is seen!

“The root of the word “monk” is monos, which means one or single. It isn’t so much about marital status as it is about the condition of one’s heart. When I try to live as a monk, I commit to living my life with as much integrity as possible.

—Christine Valters Paintner”

This picture.. Taken tonight outside of local Mc Donald’s of all places.. I have written..

I haven’t chosen to withdraw myself from the world. 

Rather trials have led me to a place

 that has been dark, strange, and isolating. 

Yet it is precisely at this place I’ve met God!

Not one person has really understood it. 

It hasn’t made sense even to myself.
That the light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome it.

It’s where I’ve found His presence and the glory of it has transfixed me. 
Martin Luther King Jr says ” Only in darkness can you see the stars” 
  

Roadlessness 

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So bountifully rich this path I’m on.. I have not added every word of this journey here but every word seems so perfect for where I am.. You see.. HE is where I am and I am where HE is. And anyone living from the spirit speaks clearly to the other.

I have often looked for comments, likes, recognition of any kind..  I suppose I’ve always felt I needed it otherwise it feels like without it I’m grounded. I’m not useful or part of the bigger plan.

But I saw this quote today on Twitter and it’s like a revelation. 

“People who shine from within don’t need the spotlight” don’t know who wrote it.. Source unknown.

I’m to simply live outward from what is within. That’s my calling..
Smack me across the head lol why does it take me so long to get this!!! 

I’ve been praying “let my light so shine”.. From Matthew 5:16

I want HIM to be seen.. But HE will be.. Because Jesus made that possible at the cross.. 

Sealing forever my oneness with HIM. Or better said.. HIS oneness with me.. HE is the way.. Truth.. Life.. 

HIS Spirit is within. 

Today’s word is – Roadlessness