Category Archives: Life

Falling Upward

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“What passes for morality or spirituality in the vast majority of people’s lives is the way everybody they grew up with thinks…
Without very real inner work, most folks never move beyond it.”

“Falling Upward” Richard Rohr

For me personally moving in a different direction to a majority I grew up with has been an incredible and life changing learning experience.. no safety net here.. I didn’t realise how conditioned I was.. it’s scary, confronting, learning to trust God alone often without props, learning true spirituality.. everything is tested that you once knew.. found peace & joy I never knew within the walls of institutional church.. I get to know the real spirit of people and I basically can connect on far deeper levels.. really is a living by Spirit & truth.. I can see God working much much more clearly.. I have new vision, different vision.. I know HIM very closely because I’ve learnt to see him in the darkest night where nobody else was.. ❤️️🕊
It’s definitely not for the faint hearted.. you will unlearn everything, you will be rejected by almost everyone.. but this is where you learn God WILL NEVER EVER leave you.. you learn that you are HIS beloved..

 

Home

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I feel most at home.. Sharing my heart unashamedly and freely. But there is a risk to it. You put yourself out there and you are opening yourself up to be criticized, judged and talked about. Ha ha either become popular or unpopular or completely misunderstood. 

Yesterday I shared my heart on a topic on-line and immediately felt the latter so that I edited it quite a few times then eventually deleted it altogether. I could see it seemed what I wrote was personally aimed but it really wasn’t. I felt I had to change it even though I’d done nothing wrong.  I realise I need to be careful. But sometimes no matter what you say or how you say it someone can take it wrong.. 

So although one needs to be wise when they open up yeah if you did stay safe you may not put anything out there at all. I wonder sometimes why there has seemed such a personal negative splash back on my sharing and simply for being myself? Many people have wished I was quiet. I give sport to others. Why I can still feel afraid saying anything? If you thought about it too much you would stop altogether.

You know what? I’m still saying it 🙂 fearlessly.. Bravely..  be it with a little trepidation. 

 You’d think by sharing your heart you are actually wanting attention but that has never been the case with me. Just how I am made and I don’t have the support system around me to talk about it so I do this instead. I write and express creatively about and from my own personal experience. Perhaps it is why it appears so acutely that others feel it to the extent they think it is about them or their lives? So maybe I should not be afraid of misunderstandings but indeed see that they are showing me there is some recognition to be found in what I write. I have always felt sorta different to most. But if someone is noticing than there must be some kind of similarity at some point. Otherwise I’d be so off base they would either think I was crazy and ignore me altogether or take no notice at all. That they do says something. Though I do not like anyone thinking I’m having a go at them because its definitely not who I am or being made fun of even if it is behind closed doors. You psyche seems to pick up vibes though and you do sense the people who could be doing it. Maybe it is a God thing too?

Home for me is my every day life, being inspired by what surrounds me and by what brings me alive and I love talking about that. Keeps me going. Like right now I want to stop because of the incident yesterday because this writing seems stupid and maybe even pointless.

Home is where my spirit is and where I can be totally myself but should I be? Why am I afraid right here and right now? Why do I want to stop writing? Nobody needs to read it? Why can’t I just enjoy this? What does it matter if someone misunderstands me? I mean it happens to us all doesn’t it? I do not go out of my way to offend anybody. I live from my heart. I don’t know why others cannot see that my heart IS NOT evil. It has almost destroyed me that people thought the worst of me. But sometimes it has been that various people have been jealous and I do not know why? Maybe that I can do this? Talk about myself, feelings, express it openly? I do not know. I am not going to stop though I never have. This is where I live, brought alive through writing, through expressing ups and downs, thoughts, feelings and joys, sadnesses. Sometimes not many notice but that is ok. I enjoy doing it anyway and if you look at my art you can see I am not a perfectionist. I drink my coffee, I get things off my chest. I do some art. I tell my truth. I share my faith. I can even share my insecurities. I have gone through very hard things and thankfully they did not stop me. I have grown here. I have faced it and I have done some healing.

Home is where my heart is and where my heart is expressed I am most happy and free. I always enjoy returning to expressive writing, prompts, arts and journaling. I return to read. Return to open up my heart. Return to share it where I do also connect with others. Return to remember who I am and what matters most. Return to express life where I am always welcome even if it’s a struggle to find the words or stay and battle it out on a page. Even when I feel restricted by things that try so hard to shut me down my every word is determination to overcome my personal demons. Home because God is here and His Spirit meets me here too, no wonder I love it here and indeed I think creativity is my run too place. If the outside world is hard, I’m lonely or feeling restricted in any way. I always have this place to return too.. For me this is Home.

Manifesto

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Day 6 – manifesto

“Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing.”
― Eve Ensler

I want to say yes to…

Being Confident. Yes to being me in all my glory. The glory of GOD in me and it is my own personal shade of HIS glory given to all of us HIS created ones to enjoy. I see beauty in myself and for a long long time I did not. Losing fear.. Yes to personal growth!!! Yes to solitude because out of it IS coming wonderful things.

I am going to confess something to you or to myself or to whomever reads this.
Today I got some new art products. I got given birthday money early. So happy. So deliriously happy. Closing down sale in my city and everything was 50% off. So for a much smaller amount I got things I wanted and love and possibly will go back to get some more! The words on my pic are from that purchase today!!
Anyhow I came home. Sat on my bed with new things very happy. Than because of a conversation I had on-line with a friend the happiness started to dwindle and the wind in my sales lost it’s power.. I did this sitting thing I do and have done for a long time. I lost my momentum. Unfortunately half of the day I just sort of sat and whittled away time till at least Zali my daughter came home from high school. Ohhh I am a little ashamed to say that.. I could have been doing art half the day or anything else constructive instead of right now last thing at night.
Tonight I have finished off a picture I started yesterday with reference to the above days prompt. Actually I was mailed the wrong prompt lol so I adapted to this one today which is the right one. They both fit. That’s just how art is in my life these days. Flows in just about any direction I am facing.
The way this picture came about isn’t by sitting and thinking about what should I do. I just saw the picture on the back of a ‘Frankie’ magazine and thought I love that I am going to have a go at drawing it. Had I sat and thought about it I might have given up. But when I started it I just kept at it. The background wasn’t even a blank page it was a pink page already created to journal on.

I kept going though. When I got up to drawing the butterfly I was like ‘How am I going to make it look authentic, there are too many little details to draw?.’ But I just kept going because I do not want it to be exact but a representation of it and I don’t think I ever would have got it the same any way. The original pencil lines were fainter so I could go over them till I was reasonably happy with the shape. Then I just defined the lines and colored it in. Created with Faber Castell Gelatos and I am surprised at myself that I have so much more confidence. I can’t really say it was one course or another that taught me this. More a variety of artists and just doing what I love to do; I went here and there and artists always say keep at it. Make it something you regularly do. Draw, write, paint etc but do it daily and don’t be anal about it just keep at it. Embrace the process. If you don’t like it keep going and work at it, don’t give up. Kelly Rae Roberts is the one who helped me to press on even if I didn’t like what I was creating.

Go by your intuition. The picture that I chose to draw just so fits my life. I have gone inward. I have focused more on spiritual inward life. I have experienced deep peace. Butterflies have featured in my art and writing before. New life.Completely different life. Light. Wings. Flying on wings.. Spirit. Confidence was my word for the year last year. I don’t have to think much about creativity I just know what words to use instinctively and it is all meaningful to me and to my life and how I live. That to me is a miracle especially when I sit for a great deal of the day and find myself vegetating. It is the straight path GOD promises to people who trust Him and do not worry about trying to understand.

Incredibly personal and meaningful and I love what I have done.. I am happy with it. And last little note is the bright red lips showing through even the small part that I have underneath the butterfly signify that there is more a boldness in me. I know I know it is small. But I think therein lies some great hope and the lips ha ha show that even though my spirit speaks mostly in my creative life and my voice has been hidden it is breaking through now YE HA.
There is still SO MUCH MORE to come.. YES YES to more boldness and YES YES to more confidence!!!!

Journey Day 1

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Day 1
JOURNEY
“There is only one journey. Going inside yourself.”
— Rainer Maria Rilke

 

Today’s Journal Prompts:

 
Going inside myself looks like…

 
It’s become mostly a journey of one and God for me lately.. Stubborn faith but also a faith that sees through all outward circumstances. Going inside myself and journaling about life when I can express it on a page is what truly keeps me looking upward and going forward. So many times I have worked on prompts and taken similar courses to this.. I keep coming back to the “self” because to me this is where GOD is and it is where I am. Where I see Him best. In me. But also a place I have learned to find love for myself where I never knew it quite to the same extent before. Because of course I know me well and I know the parameters of myself and am well aware of all my breaking points.

Because of this I can clearly see HIS presence at work in me and around me and when ones eyes are open to it.. it changes everything. It’s in this place I am literally face to face with God and although it can be a different world to the one we all know, it helps me remain open to wondrous things. Things that are coming into better focus.  I just have to not let the seen and known distract me and they continue to do so but art journaling is a way of looking beyond the ordinary to the extra-ordinary.
Makes me ponder it all and what I reflect on is poured out onto the page. I remain hopeful to the point where I am not as easily overwhelmed with other things I struggle with daily. Art and writing do really take your eyes and mind away from everything else at that very moment.
I guess to others it might surely seem a very selfish journey but it has been one that clearly and powerfully shows me how closely and intimately GOD is involved with our world and particularly my own personal world. Maybe if my life was easier and I had so many other things to do and I was not as forced to travel it so humanly solo. I would never would have been as delighted in the discoveries and in so doing pass them along contained in my art expressions.

I realized last night as I struggled with a nightmare that you really cannot separate GOD and me. Even when it appears to others I have taken a complete detour to the life I once lived.. I do not stop talking about HIM it’s just a whole different view now. Even in my dreams I met up with family members who were struggling and I was talking about God with them. I was trying to help them even as I was fighting evil in the dream. I realize I am never forced to do spiritual art yet that is EXACTLY what my main focus is.  I know that I know that I know I am not wanting to go along old paths and use old terminology because I want to learn new things and I want to travel to the edges of what the kingdom of God is and wonderfully and amazingly the bible says it is within us. You’d think the path inward where our spirit lived would be boring and repetitious and make one stagnant and would run counter-wise to what the opinions shaped by others would be. But oh no it is anything but and I think it tends to be ground breaking at least among the people I know. And the beauty of it all is when you do meet another spirit led person you always find things in common!!! How about that!!!
IT EXACTLY fits with the right now; who I am and where I am.

Link below to find more information and to sign up to the free journey experience anyone can take with Lisa Sonara. 30 Day journal project..

Journey

How to be part rainbow and live with the rest of the colors?

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I am sorry but I react differently to the way I used to be. I cannot be the same anymore. The old ways just don’t work the same and I don’t want to go back. I want to go forward.

I find it very difficult nowadays to relate to people because I live from my Spirit rather then outward formalities. The christian life I grew up in, since I have come out of outwardly living it. (The only way I can really say it.) I realize I was not fully myself. I was another shadow self or I adapted ways to speak and act that were not really me but what I thought I should be and what others around me were being. It is not that they are right and I am wrong now or that I am right and they are wrong. It is not like that it’s just I wanna be my own color but yet still be a part of the rainbow.. which I am I know in my heart. We are all a part of the circle of life, Gods family of all colors and races it’s just for some reason we do not recognize it in each other and do not really know the fullness of what HE has done for us as a whole creation.

I see people speaking a certain way now and I love the person but… I just don’t know how to answer them anymore. I realize now that is how they have been with me too and why it has seemed I have fallen through the cracks. When I say cracks I mean a whole lot of people haven’t had anything to do with me anymore and you just sense distance and that’s not just me pulling away but them too. Treated me differently. They must see what I write and how I am and they cannot gel with me the same just as I haven’t been able to gel with them. So there is this gap or what seems like a gap in our connection I suppose you could say. Yet we are the same in spirit. I see this because we are all created in GODS image and created by Him so there is similarities in all of us. I cannot see sheep and goats anymore. Sinners and saved. I see what Jesus did is for all mankind. Most just do not know to the extent of what HE did and see it as only for those who do certain things and live a certain way. I see HIM as the way and that I and everyone else (even those not knowing) are included in that. That is actually a whole other way I am different in my beliefs now too.. What I have learned in this journey. There will be some who will read no more and call me blasphemous but I hope despite any differences anyone can still read on.

I do write this though as a sort of apology to all the people I cannot gel with atm. I really wish I could explain it but the way people talk, the things they say. I cannot be like that anymore. Come at them like that. Speak like that anymore. I just cannot and of yet I haven’t known how to speak, act and be me and let you be you and believe what I do and you believe what you do. Find a middle ground sort of thing. I do so wish to be a peace child. I realize as I write this there are people who do not even believe in God and have a different view altogether. Even if you do believe differently, we are all humans on earth collectively speaking even with our differences. We are all people who would do better as a whole if we were living side by side in harmony even with our differences.

I struggle when anyone is using a different kind of language than I am especially using Christian terminology to communicate to me and it has appeared to me if I am not like the majority of Christians, there is immediate break down in speaking back to me or acknowledging me.

To explain myself. Jesus said it is like this.. it’s like putting new wine into old wine skins. I see to be a believer at all it has to be a whole new way of being. I do believe I am living now more or mostly from my Spirit and not from my flesh or living the christianese way.. I made the word up.. Lol. But the trouble is if everyone else was living from their spirit or even some of their spirit wouldn’t there be at least some connection? I am no longer coming from the outward behavior standards and I see that makes all the difference. Yet I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water altogether. I see some who leave the formal way and give it all up. But I still very much believe in God.

When I thought of writing this I thought of the colors of a rainbow. How the rainbow is.
We see the colors after rain or when the light reflects a certain way. We see all the colors but say ‘hey there is a rainbow!!’. We don’t dissect it and think every color should be the same because it wouldn’t be a rainbow if it were all one color!!

Or we don’t just recognize it for the blue or the green or the yellow. We love it for its unique beauty in all its glory. We love it because it contains all those colors side by side and together they paint the sky in iridescence. I don’t ever get sick of seeing rainbows. A rainbow encompasses all the colors not excluding any and no one sees it for only certain colors unless they are color blind.

Of course humanity is much more then seven colors but each of us is our own shade of similarity. I have yet to learn how to speak to the yellows or greens or purples or pinks and be who I am and yet let them be who they are. Because in the past. I thought of myself as a christian and I identified with christians. Everybody else were sinners going to hell. I mean how bad is that!!! I realize this is something I am growing out of and 40 years of doing things and seeing things a certain way takes time to adapt out of. Not fully there yet. So I shouldn’t be so surprised when someone doesn’t get me either especially right now.

It isn’t really something you can be taught. Spirit seems to transcend understanding. Spirit encompasses all. Doesn’t have borders. It cannot easily be labelled yet you can see it and you are moved by it and empowered by it. It isn’t about rules and regulations. I don’t think it can be easily explained either. But you know it is within you and every living creature has a spirit or life force in them.

People talk about reading bibles, praying, doing this or that. Speaking this way or that. Not bad things but it seems anti what is a general life force in all. But as an artist I have learned ‘one word’ can speak so many things to me. It is like I have learned scriptures since I was a baby. They are deeply ingrained in me so I suppose there is good in learning what the bible says. And I live by words I have learned from the bible. I have followed them, learned them off by heart and they truly have given me light, comfort, strength, guidance, yes life etc. I have known of God through them.. What Jesus has done. They were passed on to us as Gods speaking through man to help us. But man can also be imperfect so I sometimes learn to see through the Spirit at what is behind the words and it can change the whole perception.Jesus was the word.. 🙂

I do believe there is much much much more to it all then first meets the eye. Spirit opens up the word to you in ways that transcend human understanding!!

But looking at rainbows, doing art, talking to God in my room in tears and joy and every other emotion I have learned much about HIM too. HE transcends the book about HIM .. I am not throwing away my bible lol.. I just embrace life and spirit and I am so thankful for what HE has done. Giving us life, a beautiful world, words to help us live.. HIMSELF always with us. So much good in the bible. I think though I won’t just speak bible but let it speak through me in my own words and with my own colors. Let HIM speak to me through it and other ways too. It all fits together anyway and it makes sense the more you know the truth and more sense than ever before.

I actually got up, closed the lap top and thought this writing was rubbish at one point today. But I will persist with it because its how I am and where I am. Learning and growing and contemplating GODS Spirit with me and what it all means to me living in this world. I don’t feel right often saying how I feel re people’s opinions especially if I am different to them but I feel just as wrong saying nothing and not acknowledging them.. Everyone deserves to be acknowledged.

I used to say how I feel to people but I don’t know it doesn’t feel good anymore and I think my struggles haven’t helped people only pushed them away and I never meant to do that. I want to be heard and respected for who I am and I want to hear you and respect you too.. So this blog is my way to get it out of me what I believe and feel and struggle with and what I am coming to know and embrace.

I cannot seem to easily express how I feel without coming across wrong. People have deleted me even family and it hurts my heart. It has been hard being different, not easy stepping away from all I once understood and I am coming to terms with what my place is in the world. It can be extremely lonely and I have had to create a type of distance to let my heart be renewed because if I did go back to that old life I have changed and as Jesus Himself said you cannot put new into old. Doesn’t work the same anymore.

I don’t see that God will contradict himself. He doesn’t change unlike us. I just think we might have got it wrong some where and maybe lots of some wheres and it maybe even just a little here and there but like chinese whispers if you don’t hear the message right as it passed from one to another the whole message is completely changed from the original and the more it is passed alone the more different it gets. I think the whole truth is much more wonderful and much more inclusive then we ever thought possible and if we did know even a little more then we do now and then a little more and a little more again etc of the purity of the truth.. it would continue to draw us all closer together as mankind not separate us.

Journal prompts: Goodbye 2016

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Journal prompts: Goodbye 2016


What were the most significant events of the year past? List the top three.
Definitely Zali (15) going to Japan was the biggest event. Also seeing how the money came in from family and friends that was lovely. I am so proud of how hard Zali worked towards it with her first job and doing fund raising. The whole experience I think life changing and I feel our family kind of came together and made us closer to one another.
As for the other top events. Doing the Soul Restoration course not so long ago has really helped me. Unfortunately I couldn’t finish it because I didn’t have enough money to keep enrolled but I will go back and finish. I have felt freer than in a long time. Got stuff out of inside of me I didn’t even know was there. Hard, but oh so necessary. Opened up the vault of hurt inside which I had no idea was still there as much as it was. I feel more peaceful generally, freer and I have seen the relationship with my sister change. More able to hear the Spirit I think. My truth teller.
Perhaps the other is doing the Auslan class that was a biggie for me. I was very anxious. The time with my SIL was perhaps the nicest of all. I just haven’t spent much time with any one person in the flesh like that in a long time. I really do think and hope I can continue on learning it even on my own at home. I didn’t go on with it with Lisa. The offer was there. Mainly because I don’t have anyone to practice with and it didn’t seem right to spend the money on something I wasn’t and haven’t been able to use. I don’t see Lisa either any other time. It wasn’t on my heart to do it. But I can see that it is helpful if I did meet others who learn it. Just haven’t yet.
Describe 2016 in one sentence: It was long, and at times extremely lonely and unproductive (a troubled relationship with my sister and living in the family home truly backed me into a corner) but art expression and faithful on-line friend Dustin, a good relationship with Justin and my kids have kept me alive and kicking.
This year I’m most grateful for… answered it in the last sentence. I am grateful for Dustin, Justin ha ha. Children. Amy-lisa. Art. Social Media. Blogging. Vampire Diaries. Daydreams. Coffee. Lord with me. Finding inspiration and surrounding myself with it. People who gave to Zali. Face book friends who just loved me and let me be me. Instagram. My phone. Kelly-Rae Roberts course. Soul Restoration course. People who communicate with me in a way that works for me. People who text. Zali especially who helps me with more than any other with my deafness and just helping me. She gets me and makes me cry even to write this. The times I could do good things for others.
My biggest achievement this year was… to keep going. To keep faith. Not to give up.
This year I got really excited about… Art Journaling. Cutting out. A bit of paint. Glue stick. Making pages that speak to you and you just add what speaks to you to a blank page. You can share it after wards on social media. You can share your heart and feelings and its kept me going. I was able to create a few things through the year to give people which was lovely. Combining spirituality, faith, personal opinions, struggles, truth, joy etc
This year I was most inspired by… Amylisa, Bridgette, Mandy, Avery, Jen, Dustin..
My greatest challenge this year was… Keeping focused. Lots of times I just sat. I had no motivation for anything. It is any wonder I did not shut down but I didn’t thank YOU LORD. I kinda lost contact with the outside world or it felt like it. Sometimes all I had is just my stubborn faith and nothing more.
I need forgive myself for… shutting down. I let people or lack of people turn me almost completely inwards. Which is a blessing cause GODS Spirit is in there.. But you tend to fall through the cracks and lose the ability to communicate at all..
My biggest piece of unfinished business from this year is… There would be too many to mention. Biggest would be I am disappointed I did not journal my way through. Dear God I might even have had a best seller book by now lol. Low points make for interesting stories don’t they?? Also I think there is tons of room for me to restore relationships again. When I fell, I lost contact with so many, almost everyone.
The greatest lesson I’ve learned this year is… I am not alone. Ever. Period. And I am Approved of by GOD even if I did nothing more or all things I had done good were suddenly erased. I am still approved of by HIM.. Beloved.
How have you grown as a person this past year? How are you different this year than last? This is the strangest thing I have found out. That I through this last year can tangibly sense faith more in myself and in other people. I don’t know that I can explain it. Relying more on Spirit than flesh that’s for sure and in that realm there is expansion and freedom and joy and ease except that in this flesh realm or world. Its not the usual measuring standard. So by worldly standards I am nothing basically. But in spiritual realms I can honestly say that I am going ahead in leaps and bounds.
This year I wish I had done more… Reading. Journaling the raw stuff. I could see that the raw stuff makes a person breathe in and out more and flow better. Gets things out of them.
I wish I had done less… Playing games on my phone. Hoarding. Shutting down. Sitting. Losing myself watching dvd series or just mindlessly watching tv.
What was the best way you used your time this past year? Anything creative is always good. The few times I connected with people more than normal was lovely. When I shared my heart despite the lack of feedback and it flowed. I fist pumped every time. I am so thankful to GOD because what happens after I put it out there in the world is totally in HIS hands. There were some really great times I spent talking with Dustin. Hours went by, both present even across the world. Incredible. Family nights where I stay with Justin and the kids for a meal once a week. It has become someone to go and a kind of weekly thing. Just really nice time together. I would truly miss them if they stopped. Peace with him is a miracle. Priceless. He has actually become more understanding/patient with my hearing loss which has been surprising. Moreso than my own blood family.
If you had more time to invest in this past year, what would you do with it? Probably take that time to just remember and reflect and perhaps keep some more of that stored somewhere wether that be art wise, journal or whatever. I cannot go back but if I could I don’t think I would know how best to fill in those times anyway. I want to move forward. Leave it behind me. Live different. Invest some more in other people.
If I could redo 2016, I would… Obviously in the times I sat. I would un-sit lol and read, write, walk, tidy etc anything but sit unless it was productive.
Write a letter to the you from the start of last year. What advice would you give yourself? Talk more to GOD because you kinda gave that up more than ever before in the past. Just talk don’t try to make it more a prayer. HE listens always even if you feel you are talking to yourself. Pick up a book and read when you cannot think of anything else to do. Throw some stuff out. Art journal even if you feel like crap. Find the Soul Restoration course online and start January 1st. Lean more on the few people who are around.
If 2016 was a book, what would the title be? Name some of the chapters. She breathes. HE loves her always. Hidden heart keep speaking. Speak the truth even if your voice shakes. My Story is important. Lord with her. She is never alone.
Did you have a guiding word or guiding values for 2016? How did it serve you? How did it challenge you? Confidence was my word it hardly seems it above lol but it was a good word because if you lived according to how you feel, how others treated you, how many were around you, your circumstances, what you believed about yourself or situation, your accomplishments you would surely be defeated. But having this word under-girded me. I am confident. I got through and if I think about how difficult it was. That is a huge achievement right here. I got through.
The biggest gifts of 2016 were… Encouragement and loyalty of friends. Sun rays that appeared so often in the sky no matter what time of day I walked usually evening/afternoon. My children and unconditional love wherever it came from. Gorgeous sunsets. Parents providing for children and I. Time with Justin and the kids in any form. Found gifts here and there at op shops. Bargains that inspired me and right timing. Zali going to Japan, generosity of those who helped her and that the other children supported her. Expressive arts and art journaling. Zali’s help and knowing my heart. Seeing Talitha graduate and move out into a lovely new apartment. Seeing our relationship change what a blessing that has been. She also starts next year with exactly the job she wants in March when she is over her graduate year. That is a top year event too.. Keanu made some life changes and is happy with girlfriend Anna. Seb’s visits home are always special events and he works so hard and keeps going. Conner being here with me and becoming an adult turning 18. I am so grateful for all my children.. They are the best gifts ever. ❤ ❤

I found these prompts.. Thank you Jen..

Journal prompts: Goodbye 2016 (Jen Morris)

Perseverance on a Page

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It’s what’s I do. It’s how I’ve survived. In this life at least. It’s where I turn up strongest. It’s not like everyone else. But I see the beauty of that. If I sit with you. I’m quiet, reserved, 1/4 of the person I am. Uncomfortable. Difficult if not impossible to contribute. So I flow where it’s easy and I’m free. Do you miss me because I’m not there or because I break traditions? Make you feel uncomfortable? If you search for me you’ll find me easily enough. Would you rather I was a lifeless shell or a functioning freely flowing spirit? Every word here my spirits breath. I very much consider a place of awakening. My epiphany if you will. 

There’s a human hand writing, soul leaking through imperfection. God breathing through me. 

Why would I want to be anywhere else? 

Unless it was needed more. My children, my life but they are growing up with lives of their own choosing. 

The joys that come when you become the beauty of what remains of passing through difficulties, the dark tunnels of life and appearing in brightest light at the other end!!!

No comparison!!!

Breaking through to the promised land!! 

Soul questions and answers

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Three soul questions I asked myself. Written on three pieces of paper. Turned over and shuffled. Than I used colours on those papers. Not knowing what question was on which paper. Than chose collage pieces.. Words and pictures on each as to how I was currently feeling. What images drew me at the moment. I assembled each one and turned over. This is my thoughts on each.. Amazing experience to do. Found through the book “The Artist’s Rule” Christine Valters Paintner..
What does God/HE want me to learn in the midst of where I am currently, how I am currently?



Gold centre.. I have learnt my value in Him. God doesn’t make junk. I’ve found that out through HIM alone and being so alone because of disability and circumstances. The gold was in the middle.. But all around the gold was black.. Hard pressed on all sides. Some yellow in the black because I’ve learnt things.. Important things in hard times. When you blend the colours with water. Gelatos. Gold pretty much stayed pure in the midst of the black. So even though the darkness has tried to shut me down. It’s only made me more intense faith wise and also helped me find my core strength. I look up. It’s not about anything else but HIM really.. Although the person I used to represent myself in this is a child. I am central in my story. I do relate to being childlike. That’s ok. And even though I’m often alone and seems like it’s just about me. It’s actually all about HIM. That’s how HE does HIS thing. It’s an honour. I realise it’s an honour. My Spirit is HOLY. Because of HIM. Love. I know I’m loved. And it definitely doesn’t mean I’m perfected in this whole experience on the outside yet.. In fact my imperfections I must embrace as part of it. Artist. Is just simply telling it in my own way. Look up.. Use it all. Focus on HIM. On love. On Spirit. On limitless spirit. As I am.. Where I am. Opportunities endless.
What is my Spirit desiring at the moment? What is on my heart?



Colour. I want to see beauty I look for it. Open to it all. Variety. Expression that bypasses words. I need to be creative to live this life. . I want to be more honest. Seek truth. Transparency. Of the heart. Freedom. Imagination. Even though I feel majorly shut down in many ways. I still have hope. It’s amazing that the pictures of me I found were large. It’s as if God is saying. It’s ok. How things are and how they seem. Supposed to be that way. It’s how HE uses me. Emotions play a huge part as does the heart. Spiritual longing creates stronger desires. It’s like the more I learn the more I want to learn. More I feel hard pressed. Brings forth beauty. Spills out. Makes me seek HIM more. From my great need I produce life and art and bring forth from that. In simple ways but powerful ways. Desiring freedom. Revealing soul. Going within. Using my spirit and expression. To communicate freely. 
How can I use rejection to work for me and not against me?


I drew a heart but not central. Colours that radiated out from that. It looks now as if it’s a flower. Heart are seeds and the paper and gelatos made a pattern that further made it look like a flower. Like petals around it. What was done on the cross central. There’s freedom there. Forgiveness and restoration. Hope. Peace. Love. All that I could want found there and flows from there. A burning heart within the result. Despite the things done to me and my heart. I need to share and that hasn’t stopped. Seeds only fall when a flower dies. But more flowers come from it. I need peace.. Central to who I am. I will always choose peace over everything else. It’s how I live through the hard times. The assaults on my soul.. I can’t bottle it. I have to tell it. Or write it or share it. It’s who I am at the core. Yellow seems good and holy. And what doesn’t destroy us will shine and bring forth beauty. But even if our very hearts wither and die the seeds within will always do their thing! How artists speak from beyond the grave!

Letting myself bloom and my spirit shine and my passion break free. Being myself despite it all. See that hard things are not me. But rather what has happened to me. Makes me bring forth what is always and already inside. It’s the vehicle for bringing forth what makes me bloom and bring forth my harvest. Even if I was completely destroyed from it. You crush a flower the perfume escapes.

Hidden

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Now I am revealing new things to you. Things hidden and unknown to you. Created just now, this very moment. Of these things you have heard nothing until now. So that you cannot say, Oh yes I knew this. — Isaiah 48:6-7

I am reading through a book called “The Artist’s Rule” where it gave me this scripture and I am contemplating on it and learning from what stands out to me at this moment. What speaks to me. What is relevant about it to my current life.

Hidden is the word that stands out to me today. It’s like spiritually, physically, emotionally even, I’ve been hidden.

Last night God encouraged me to see that what has appeared to have happened to me is similar to David in the bible. (I was praying about people in my life.. ) 

Who had to hide from Saul. Saul had a jealous spirit and persecuted David. He tried to destroy him. Doesn’t Satan seek to steal, kill and destroy? Spirits of evil still work through people. So I get a sense it’s wise and understandable to escape from what appears to be seeking to destroy us. 

The hidden part. There have been unseen forces over the years that have come against me through people and personal situations that have contributed to where I am and how I am today. Though I have been most frustrated with the ‘unseen’ part of it. The hiding part isn’t as obvious to many. Like many are blind and deaf to what has happened to me. Or it seems it doesn’t matter.

They can really only see the results of what has happened to me. I shared openly recently about the physical struggles I’ve faced and how that has shaped me. But it’s harder I think to define the struggles with people. Very real, different people at different times but similarities in them all as to how it affects me..But also its about more than just me. Where the bible names people and situations openly where there has been persecution.. the Christian way seems to be that we hide things and don’t speak publicly about it. Heaven forbid we name people. I don’t mean shaming, unkindness etc I mean speaking truthfully and not being afraid so that we can all find healing and move forward.. Truth sets free. 

Forgive and move on is the Christian way. Turn the other cheek thing which is ok if it stops. Where I have struggled with the ‘hide it what has happened to me’ kind of thing is where it has been ongoing and subtle. Slowly slowly chipping away at me till there was less and less of my confidence. So that when and if I react it comes back on me lol instead of the one doing it.. Unmentionable and extremely cruel like a person suffering but nobody notices and that in itself destroys you the anonymity of it.. It continues on destroying as it was sent to do. Now ok for believers in God it’s spiritual not personal but that shouldn’t mean we just lie down and let people walk all over us.

This word hidden also speaks to me about being in a place where things are specifically revealed at such a time. That there is a greater reason. New information to be learnt. That’s been Gods way all along. When bad things happen, God uses it for good. I am encouraged that even David had to hide for a season or two or three… onwards till it was safe to re-enter the world normally.. All this time something evil was doing its best to shut him down..

When that word came up again today. It gives me hope. I can trust God when things are hidden. I am hidden. A reason for it and it’s ok. New things will be revealed. Treasures will come forth. By God who summons us personally!

Isaiah 45:3

I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

Brave..

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How to be safe again with unsafe people? Thoughts going around inside my head. So much of what I have suffered, I have had to deal with alone and have had only God to hear me out and little other support.

There is a verse in the bible that says. “Guard your heart for out of it come the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23

Its very wise and helps me but when do you let down your guard when your supposed to love people? Like love that is un-human.. Least I have not found too many who love like that I have personally known.

The kind God and Gods people talk about? The kind that makes you shrink in your shoes because you cannot do it like THEY do it.. And you feel so much lack in your heart because you can’t the same.. You want too.. You desperately want too.. But you try and fail.. Try and fail.. Try and fail.. And you cannot be yourself in their face.

Also when I was suffering the affects of abuse.. I heard in my spirit. Do not throw your pearls in front of swine. Matthew 7:6

Abuse. There is no easy way to talk about it. Sigh. I dread it. Because most people do not want to know or do not want to talk about it or as Christians say. Turn the other cheek and forgive forgive forgive.

But that kind of talk almost destroyed me. It takes a strong person and a persistent person to love a damaged heart to help a damaged heart feel loved and worthy. Yes via GOD there is a whole other world. A way to love unconditionally and beautifully and you can leap hurdles in a single bound.. Because HE loves you like that.. And gives you HIMSELF and pours love into you.. I know all this.. Because it is what keeps me going.. Keeps me alive.. But I am also flesh and blood and that is from where I speak today.. Sweat and tears.. Lots of tears.

All the religious talk falls ohhhh so short I am sorry but it does. It has failed.. Religion has failed me. Religious people have failed me.

I can only be honest. It takes a world of prayer and tears and asking GOD for miracles to love and be healed like I need.. I still feel and live the affects of abuse.. By family and others.. I won’t name I don’t wish to talk about them… I let that go.. It’s not about the abuse anymore its about how it has affected me and how I deal with it.. Although there are times of recent the actions of certain people bring it up again.. And you cannot go through life untarnished.. We have minds that bring to memory hard times and things said and ways we are treated and unfortunately you live its affects like it or not. You cannot just walk in fields skipping along as if you live in Disney land.. Thats not real life. Our hearts bleed… and eyes cry tears.. We remember and we live in bodies that are affected by the way we are treated.

Ohh how the tears have dripped down my face and into my pillow and sheets night after night for the way my heart has been damaged and hurt.. How I have suffered. Cried myself to sleep too many times to count. Yet I prayed.. I forgave.. I got up the next day. Some have thought depression but I find joy inside me too. I don’t discredit depression but I think more I feel. I am a feeling person.. A heart that cries and laughs.. And when hard things happen a lot its hurt so yeah I cry.

I don’t always cry. But there have been periods of time I cried every night and that is the truth.

Because of what has happened to me its changed me. Its not so easy to trust people now. Trust is one word God often says to me. Trust me HE says.. So instead of focus on things that were too hard I just look to HIM and it really does help.. And HE sends peace and strength.. But I cannot just so easily keep putting my heart out in places and with people that I do not feel safe with. But I also need to continue sharing because that is how I was created. I need to do it.

I think the hardest thing has been the abuse itself. Because it happened over a period of time and even though that is in the past now it screwed with my head. When any person treats me in a way that I feel unsafe about or refuses to let my heart be itself I back away because they are sending mixed messages. When I say heart be itself. I mean where it feels fake and not consistent. Real I want real even if the person says hard things but in saying that if they are inconsistent I cannot deal with it. If the person says hard things than back away or targets me or I feel backed into a corner I am going to react and not in the right way. You know if someone loves you through thick and thin. You know if your valued for who you are. I guess that is what I want more than anything. Loyalty. Honesty. Acceptance. To be myself freely.

You know when my former husband said he fell out of love. I could deal with it because he was being honest. It hurt yes but he was gentle and I don’t believe he meant to say it to hurt me but because that is how he felt. I can respect that. I can respect a person telling the truth in gentleness. But when a person is saying one thing one place and doing another thing in another place. Its confusing. I found peace with my former husband so I found safety again in a place that for awhile became unsafe for me. We kind of navigated through in a way that both of us found our peace.. That is what I want with every person.

I can cope with differences.. I can respect you or anyone if you respect me too.. I guess I am answering myself. How to get to that place? It takes time. Honestly. Even hard honesty. But it takes time and being patient. Yes guarding oneself and perhaps opening up a little more as time progresses.. And also especially talking about it like this. ❤

All deserve to be fully themselves, to be respected but also respect others, to live in safety, to be loved despite faults or differences. Treated the same.. And to be believed.. ❤

 

brave