Category Archives: Deafness

Words Tell My Story..

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DAY 27 – DIG DEEPER:

Where and how does your writing fit into the bigger picture of the world? How would you want it to? This is a chance to review your creative mission (what your writing gives to the world) and vision (what your writing gives you).

 
See the pic below.. A lot of what today’s post is about..

 
From a website called Wordle.. Only able to create one with Internet explorer not Chrome. In case you wanted to create one..
I cried seeing these words.. I have just been commenting to someone who came here and basically told me I am in grave danger and under deception? I don’t know if they even read my blog? Obviously I am now treading ground that is very different to the main stream. According to this person and a recent other person to contact me I have to buy their books lol to read about where I am deceived.. Sigh. I never ever got the answers in books though I have learned some good stuff through the years . I bought books till they were coming out my ears. At some point you have to ground yourself without needing more and more.
My writing fits into the bigger picture because I have a voice, a choice to put it out there and a means to do so. I have fingers that can type all day lol. Ha ha when there is nobody around to hear and I cannot exactly sit down and communicate freely I have my ways. 🙂 I can tell what is in my heart, what is helping me and hindering me. I can share it all basically. I always fussed about it that is seen or not or read or not or that it was ‘written’ perfectly. I only have to look at words in that picture and my emotions are stirred and that was random.There is power in words.  It’s just something inside of me can’t help but be moved and I know I am not the only one is the world to be moved by words so I can just flow and I know it will move more than me.

“But words are things, and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think.” — Lord Byron

 
I think about what a perfect stranger is judging me about. Yet I see these words and I know what is inside me. I know God with me and I know HE isn’t about external like people but the heart.. I don’t care what they say but it is sad that we are not looking at people’s hearts and seeing beautiful things there. That we are judging by some standard whatever it is and wherever it came from. Those words in the picture came from here from my blog. I copied one complete post into the Wordle creator and that is why came out. Body, Know, Way, Change.. The ones that stand out the most and they sum up the massive change that has happened in me and in my mind about what life and God and faith and expression and soul mean. Way being the biggest I think and ranked on the top of the biggest words!! I know I am going the right way.. I not only know the Truth I know the Way too. I am in the body wether people acknowledge and agree with me or not. I KNOW that I know that I know.. No human being can take that knowing away. Nothing separates me from HIS love.
I printed it out and will put it in my art journal forever.. So many other little words around and how they came out that speak too.. So much I can say. So happy right now. So at peace. I just close the door to all that speaks against freedom and truth and life and tries to bring my heart down to the ground. My wings are permanent.. Soar on wings like eagles..

 

My writing is me. Its my heart and soul. Its freedom and beautiful and I combine it with art expression too.. Such a joy.. I am so aware that despite so much around me that could suck my soul and tries. I am happier and freer and more joyous than ever before.
Last couple of days, the last week.. Really ill for about a week. Than in my art course the videos were not loading properly and I struggled with that for half a day because I do not give up easily, and I can’t hear everything the teacher Kelly Rae Roberts says so it takes a lot longer to go through the material. I miss some. And than yesterday my printer just stopped connecting to the home Internet and I worked on getting it back on line for hours. Most frustrating. Finally worked a way to reroute it straight from the printer to lap top/ipad etc.. Believe me I am no computer wizz. Trial and error and persistence got me through and prayer..
I realize that despite difficulties, deafness, technical probs, not seeing many people to talk too and many just think I am too way out there.. I am surprisingly unaffected. I mean at the time its ahhhhhh… but today I feel a glow. Nothing takes that away.. In fact I am more excited than ever before to keep on.

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How I Listen

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DIG DEEPER: How do ideas find you? How do you recognise them? If you dig deeper, you’ll see a pattern. When are you most prone to find them? What activities, mood & company ignites them?

Ideas fit together in my head. I am looking at a picture or reading a quote or a bible verse.
Or I am thinking a line of thought.
Than out of the blue something just clicks inside me. Things fit. Make sense.
You could say I see the light. I usually feel very excited. Usually alone with it.
If there is someone around I might start babbling on about it. But usually its something I have to create and express in my own way on my own to get it out of me. If I think something or see something and I am away from home or its the middle of the night. I have to jot it down for later because I forget otherwise.

It is like suddenly I’m charged up within myself. Thoughts seem to flock together like pigeons. Suddenly all descend into my head.

Like an unfinished puzzle and you can see one after the other where each piece fits. It might start out as a word. Than that word will turn up again a bit later on. Than appear again. It may be totally unrelated in the finding  but to me it  all points in one direction and says something relative. I can see it calling out to me. Here this is your direction today. Focus on this and I can just sit down and start writing. I can put together an art piece or page and know how it fits and how to put it together.  

I just see Gods hand so wonderfully in this line of work if you will call it that. It is a restful kind of work. Something I enjoy but it takes time and effort to do it. The fact that I can be a here and there type of person. Not a planner of my day. Spontaneous. Erratic even. And yet the same message will show up again and again in my small corner. That’s a wow moment.

I am a reclusive type person. A hoarder type.. An Internet junkie. I am on a pension. A stay home mother. Yet in this very place inspiration comes. I don’t seem to need to go anywhere. Be anyone special or do anything amazing for it to come. This is where I feel most alive. Because I know all that is not happening. All that I could be feeling and this is just not reliant on me at all. I didn’t finish high school. I don’t see many people through the day. People are not drawn to me physically for any particular reason at all. So this inspiration is I believe other worldly. Gives me incredible hope I can tell you.

I cannot plan it.. comes randomly though there seems to be some deeper working there because it can be found in old magazines, in old diaries and on the web posted by totally unrelated people yet there is a pattern to it. I can’t make it happen. I can’t think today I am going to do a piece on freedom.. I usually start with a blank mind. I pray. I seek God that is my way. But than I am free. I don’t feel compelled to be super religious. I just see that all of life is pointed inward and affects the outward and God is involved so all that comes is precious. Sometimes it shows up one way and sometimes another.
It all comes from what I have within my reach. I love second hand stores and garage sale hunting on the weekend. I love just going from one place to another on the internet. I look at magazines and not the celebrity type though if I can get my hands on glossy expensive type magazines they have the most amazing pics and stories in them. Lately I found these absolutely great “Slow” living magazines. Feast for the soul. So many beautiful scenes and words. Mind and heart comes alive just looking through it.

Earlier in the day is best for my creativity. When I am not so tired in body..

Obviously for me being spiritual minded is my go to.

I can see the difference in me when I am creatively motivated. I am easily able to think about what to say. If you sat me down in front of people I would be tongue-tied and most likely lose interest quickly. Writing and blogging and art journalling I am so much freer. I am not inhibited by disability which is deafness. I am not inhibited by blankness. I enjoy it.

I can virtually take what is around me or in my line of vision or what I have thought about or visualised that day and bring it all together and know what way to express it. Its truly incredible actually and even I am inspired by what comes out of me. I am like a different person. I come alive. My eyes light up. I have fire in my belly. I am learning not to work at it. Rather to let it flow as it will. It really is play and fun most of the time. I can see what it means to me but I leave what it means to the person who might view it up to them. I used to have to explain myself and re-explain myself all the time. People are going to think what they think. I give myself over to the Spiritual side and let what comes come. I know what the message is physically doing to me and how my mind is flowing and that I know what was in me to begin with. I truly believe that the same process which so brings me alive will do that too whomever shares what I express and the freer I am in the letting go of it the more another soul will be be touched by whatever this is being GOD in me or what not..

I do believe this is my calling.. I am fitted for this. I love it.

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My Voice..

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DAY 21 – DIG DEEPER:
What issues have you felt more misunderstood, unheard or silenced about? How would you rephrase them in a way you feel your voice is heard?

I could write a book here lol.

Maybe the last five years I have been silenced by decreasing severe hearing loss but also by isolation and people turning away. I have stepped back myself so I know it’s not all other people’s fault. But some major rejection happened by a select few that kind of screwed with my life in such a way that the bottom pretty well fell out of my world. They wouldn’t agree to the word I used to describe it either. Hey but its my writing and it’s how it felt to me.

People can find so many faults in me and do. I can myself but I want to be truthful. Being disabled doesn’t mean people give you any help. It doesn’t mean people treat you differently. Now I don’t want to be treated differently but…. I am not like everyone else I DO NEED help and assistance and I don’t get it really. My kids yes they have to live with me. But few others no. I am treated like everyone else and I fell off the side of the earth with it literally. I don’t really want to communicate with people who don’t want to communicate with me. Not where it is such a struggle and too much work. Obviously others feel the same.

Writing has become my voice.. Art my way to express myself in the world. Faith is my salvation. But I can’t do it like everyone else. I was not fitting in with everyone else. I cannot sit in church and be like everyone else. So I found GOD outside the walls and HE is everywhere and it more amazing than anything I learned within the walls. And HE does not turn his back on you when you do not do it like everyone else. I think HE applauds us actually. HE enjoys us being the unique people HE created us to be.

I am reading a diary at the moment. It is a book written about diary entries from one year of a famous man’s life. It is shocking to read the life he lived. It’s extremely raw and often x-rated. But I love it. Not for the things shared and the content exactly but because the man shared everything he was feeling and experiencing like nobody else I have ever come across. He talks very openly about his life and his lows and highs. I crave deeper living and being able to express myself in every part. I am not put off by the things he talks about though it is very shocking. I can see the power in it to be truthful to be open and transparent. It was on the New York best sellers list when it was first released.
Heroin Diaries.. A year in the life of a shattered rock star by Nikki Sixx

It is so inspiring me to keep writing and be more and more raw and honest. I so admire his strength and determination to use all his life experience at that point in time to help others who may have and are going through similar. It is a whole other world to me but I am learning about the way he kept up his diary and just spilled his heart, blood and soul there. That to me is priceless. He is a very gifted writer. I can see also that though he was a broken man his spirit/soul was still strong and that good can come from the very worst kind of evil in the world no matter how we have dealt with it at the time.

I think the more raw and down to earth you are the more easily you can connect and connection is very important to me because it is my biggest struggle.. I cry seeing people close and enjoying company and I can’t be the same. I feel so excluded so weird so different so alone at times. It’s more than being a loner its being in a whole different world to everyone else yet living side by side with them.. Obviously life traumas effect you and change the way you function so that is a part of who I am and how I live because I have had my fair share.

My writing is my unheard voice, my soul, my presence in the world and my very way to communicate who I am and what is important to me.

That in the very writing course these prompts are part of it’s said that writers are often experiencing very much the same feelings I am. I draw incredible strength from that. I have solidarity with artistic type people. I know I am really strong within despite my weaknesses and I can see beyond them that I do have much still to give the world. Empowering.

There is no excuse for other people to say I am not speaking or present. I am speaking and I am present here in my writing and its public because I am always sharing it. It’s up to the people around me now to read it if they want to communicate with me and find out what I am all about.

 
DAY 21 – DAILY PROMPT:
Write passionately about something that you would be willing to protest against or for. Explain what it is, why you would be willing to fight for it, and how far you would be willing to go. Never standing up for anything is the easiest way to always fall for everything. Tell us what you would be willing to speak your voice, shaking though it may be, for.

 
Truth.. I am passionate about truth. Not just religious truth. But truth about people. Truth about weakness and strength. Truth about who we really are. Truth about struggles and hardships and feelings. Definitely truth about feelings. Knowledge of the truth sets free. It’s the not saying over a long period of time where dysfunction and lies set in and we get separated from one another. We need to be heard and seen for who we are not what people want us to be.

Nobody should be afraid to tell the truth. That people are loved even though they fail or get weak because telling the truth about it is brave but we need to face what it means too especially if the person is hurting and they feel unheard. Truth about GOD. Not the lies so many tell or the half truths. HE is so so so so so much better than we can even think of or imagine. It’s just people judge him according to the evils in the world and their experiences instead of who HE actually is and what HE is about. HE doesn’t box people in or force Himself on anyone instead HE gives us wings and there is no set way to enjoy HIM. His love is never ending. He includes everyone. Oh my how that needs to be told. God judged his Son so we wouldn’t have to be judged. We are all free people and it’s beautiful. People are beautiful not everybody knows it about themselves and that makes people act differently than they would if they knew beauty within and without.

Everyone deserves love. I stand for equality for all. Respect for all. How I wish people would stop judging each other. Just accept one another. We embrace good and see strengths in all people not faults. We love without conditions. That everyone is treated the same. Yes we stand against evil. But I think there will be less and less evil when we love without conditions and include everyone. People need each other and they need to be believed and they need support. If you are accepted, if you are supported and if you are loved I think that cures so much of the hurt in our world.

That we stop seeing a formula but rather the ONE who made it all and give HIM the credit instead of take it for ourselves because of what we do or don’t do. HE has hidden himself so HE would be found but its easy when you use your heart than there is nowhere HE cannot be found. Not in rules and regulations but in goodness, kindness, beauty and freedom. Especially recognized in love and where there is hope and always where there is joy.

That if we saw ourselves as one people world wide, no matter the color of skin how much more wonderful a world it would be. That we respect the environment and everyone in it and the animals too are taken care of. Sharing with each other, working together and enjoying our world and each soul had a place. Nobody is better or worse than anyone else.

I stand for world peace. For God. For love. For each other. For working together as a whole!!! For truth!!! All our stories are important.

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Creative Health..

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DAY 20 – DIG DEEPER:
What helps you create from a healthy place? What kind of body, mind and soul fuel builds you up and makes you feel more abundant, resourceful, equanimous and infinite?
Make a list. Keep tweaking as you go.

Not being afraid to listen to loud music via headphones and sing. (deaf)
Creating collages.
Writing and keeping a diary.
Prayer.
Being inspired with things around me.
Sleep.
Coffee.
Movies, books, Internet.
Reading regularly.
Taking notes like writing down fav quotes and keeping them.
Art Journalling.
Photography.
Spiritual contemplation.
Someone noticing me and being interested in what I do.
Noticing others.
Living from the heart.
Holy Spirit.
Being myself.
Awareness of this moment as precious.
Keeping up with artistic people’s daily jottings and sharing.
Walking daily does help.

 
DAY 20 – DAILY PROMPT:
Write a healthy soul, mind and body prescription for yourself that includes Writing + Other healthy practices that make your writing better: Food, Sleep, Exercise, Nature…
You are a full package. If you were your own holistic doctor, what kind of medicine would you prescribe yourself to make you come alive?

Pushing myself is good for me. Even if its reading a book I normally wouldn’t. Making a change in the things I do daily. Setting even one small goal for myself to keep up and ticking the box at the end of each day. Apart from the normal every day. Sticking to anything is a game changer for me.

I have a nature that sits down. It would just sit down without any effort at all easily. I call it a lay back nature. I have to motivate myself every single day. The less I do the less I do the next day. To stay healthy I need to remember to drink water in between coffee and tea. I need to make myself walk as often as I can. It is wonderful when you do that regularly enough that when you don’t do it you feel like a big fat cow.

Yes I need to daily make myself be creative too.. Which is strange because I love it. I can be sitting on my bed with inspiration all around and yeah not do it. So even though I might seem to do it regularly I still have to motivate myself to do it. Push myself. I feel tired now. It is only just after twelve midday. I do admit I stay up later than I should. I overslept today first time in ages but it is a sign I need more sleep.

I need to make myself do house work and rare is it that I keep on top of it. I can’t remember the last time I was on top of it. Probably when someone was coming to visit (rare) so I wanted to have the house tidy for them. My greatest personal bug bare is just keeping my diary. I know I love doing it. But I can struggle to get anything on the page. I think I am afraid that it has to be interesting. That it can’t just be what I think and feel. I really really want to work on the expression part. I feel I am scraping the surface and there is so much I do not say. I mean I need to be honest with myself. I need to not be afraid to say dark things. Sometimes I am so positive that its hard to say it as it really is. I can’t even find the words. I need to work on just saying it and not having to share it. I share publicly so often that I am censoring without thinking. I need to be ok with writing raw in my own private way at home. THAT JUST MAY BE LIFE CHANGING.

That is the crux I think. If you regularly do it its much easier and I think the channel is open for a whole lot more of life. The longer you go without doing it the harder it is to get real and get it out of you. I am so thankful when I look back and read about my life and children and can remember what we did and when but I see that what I have not done is open up my heart which is where I live from most and you cannot live whole if you don’t live from all of your heart. I have diaries with long gaps in them. Pages and pages of nothing. That’s depressing.

I also really really enjoy reading so its another struggle to keep picking up my books but when I do I am thankful. My tank is fuller.

Of course the most important is prayer. Daily prayer to God. Being the kind of person I am I need HIM. Oh how I need divine help. I do believe most anything I do that is productive is because of HIS grace. I have wanted to stop too many times to count. I do not do anything in particular to pep myself up except coffee. Of course this could also be a problem too. Relying on GOD and not doing things with the strength and brain HE has given me. Dear God send me a husband sort of thing and not leaving the house. Umm well I know God does miracles but I can’t meet people if I do not meet people!!??

Ok yes I do hoard art things, book and supplies. They help fill in time and give me inspiration but they also surround me with more clutter and that can drain you and steal your life. You are so busy dealing with it every day. Lost in it. I am easily distracted so yes being surrounded by books, magazines, art supplies you can see how I would get off track very easily. Need balance.

I do need to get rid of things and not day dream away into an imaginary world. It is not easy being very deaf and today I have extremely loud noises in my ears which if I thought about it could be depressing. You have to forget about it and not think about it. I think switching myself off has been a go to thing. Escape thing. Perhaps good medicine for me is just facing things that need to be done. I always feel better having done something that has needed doing. It does lift your spirits and make you feel productive.

It is not easy being a loner though I like being on my own. I have to force myself to do social things and outside of the house things. Like everything else in my life. I have to work on that more than normal people who probably gravitate that way without thinking.

I am like everyone else when you eat, sleep and drink healthier and do regular exercise the mind works better. The spirit is lighter and I think mentally you are more able to cope with whatever life deals you. As a spiritual person my faith gives me wings that is for sure. But as the bible says my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. I do have weak flesh. Flesh that would sit and turn off easily. Flesh that loses its focus. Flesh that gives up and shuts down. Flesh that does not think of things without prompts.

Good medicine for me is daily focus on GOD.. Being thankful. Not being afraid to be myself, being real, no matter how different or similar or simple or extravagant that makes me look.. Attending to my soul/spirit/creativity. Getting off my butt to walk and do things around the house that need doing. Every day lose clutter. Use it or lose it. Keep doing that daily. Making plans and sticking to them even if its just making small steps/changes. Getting enough sleep. Focusing outward on others more. Making that a goal in life. A new goal. Being confident. Realizing that I make mistakes but so does everyone else. Being free.. Eating healthy to give myself the most energy and boost that I can and that will also be a good role model and help to my children too… ❤

 

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I Want To Fly Mr Muse

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I am behind in my writing. Original 30 days but I am plugging away. I have wanted to give up. It’s going to be raw and I answer with what I feel able to do with it. Second part was supposed to be funny or a complaint.. It isn’t either. But it is where my heart is atm. Real and raw. It’s me.

 
DAY 17 – DIG DEEPER:
What bothers and irritates you most about your writing process? What are your limitations and annoyances?

The distractions, the frustrations of technology. Shutting down that comes when your body won’t do what you want it to do. I seem to need props. Inspiration in the tank. I have to be alone. I have to make myself do it. I have to be committed. I need to put aside other things. I love music and I cannot easily listen to it anymore as I write. To hear it loud enough I have to press my (in the ear) headphones into my ears and hold them there.. So I cannot use music anymore properly as I write and there isn’t anything I can do to change that. My kids do not always recharge the family lap top or they are using it when I want it. I share a house with other people, not only my kids. So its not always conductive to writing. I tend to talk to myself while I write. It can annoy other people. Also if I get up and pace. Or take pics or print something or carry my lap top around. I do some weird stuff. Other people are inconvenienced. 

Deafness inconveniences other people already so it’s depressing when your writing does that too.. I have to be stubborn with it. Lock myself away. Be at peace with my creativity or what comes out of me. I do not have many outlets for my self. So I would close up completely without something. So I give myself more freedom with it than anyone else may do with their writing. My voice however it comes is sometimes all I feel I have to give.
I suppose my writing isn’t seen as important to anyone else. I mean I do not make money with it. It isn’t a career just personal interest. So it takes second or third or fourth place etc.. It isn’t something anyone else much asks me about so I am very alone with it. I know that has tended to make my writing very self focused. I do not leave the house much or go anywhere interesting or even see others often. So yes that I can write anything of interest at all is rather a miracle. I have to bypass everything else to do it. Because if I focused on all that isn’t happening in my life I would give up completely on life itself not just writing.
I am doing a current writing course this writing is part of. Some of it is orally via recordings. Spoken meditations. Extras I miss out on.. I always miss out on something. I have to keep going despite it. If I groan and get frustrated about it I stop. I waste even more time. I’m not the same as everyone else. I have to accept that. I have to let go of all I cannot do. And focus on what I can do and use what is available to me.
Haha right now I want to sing really loud.. Its a release thing along with my writing. It blows out the crap inside.. Expressions tend to be loud because I have had to be. I know the opposite of not hearing is silence but I regularly have noise in my ears and head so like I am always trying to speak over the noise I tend to be loud in body too. Being deaf I sing even louder than normal people and its not pretty.. I am most likely tone deaf. It be off-key.
Other people in the room atm so yeah right now I have to keep it inside me. Not being able to communicate like the majority I work harder at the things I can do. I just give up on what doesn’t work. So any frustrations that happen to my writing life can feel heavier burdens.

DAY 17 – DAILY PROMPT:
Write a comedic letter of complaint to the Muse (or the High Council of Muses). In this letter, list all your annoyances about your writing process. Request the help you think the Muse Committe owes you with the process.

Hi Mr Muse.
Yes it’s me here. The loud one. The persistent one. The deaf one. The one who could so easily, so very easily give up. Sharing my best writing device with family even as I write to you. They did not recharge it and the keys stick to my fingers and its just a little gross. I think I deserve a new lap top Mr Muse. A flash new lap top of my own. So I can write better, easier and with all the flash new mod cons that come with expensive new lap tops. Surprisingly I still have so much to say and the better I am prepared and fitted I can do it I believe and surprise everyone even myself.
I have almost raised 5 kids. I have been patient a long time for the pay backs to being a mother, unpaid taxi driver, frustrated struggling almost afraid to call myself artist…. etc
I would do more writing. I would be here more often. I might even write a best seller. One that sold so many copies that I could easily repay you back for this little request. I believe I have a calling. A gifting if you will. That with the right support will spring board me to heights I have yet to see. My only other request is help with the journey. Some encouragement goes a long way. I feel for a long long time I have struggled on alone. Be it an unseen guide with me. GOD. Which keeps me going I can tell you.
But humanly and socially I need human contact even the written kind suffices. Some words of hope and inspiration, some help. People that can give me encouragement because I need it. I have needed it so badly. So very badly. It’s humbling to the point of breaking me down to keep asking. To keep begging. To keep looking for it. Because it wears me down hoping.. Desiring and the waiting for breakthroughs.. The endless waiting. If I had even just a little more wind beneath my wings I could attempt things I have never done.. fly so high. I could take off.. It would change everything. I know it would. Please Mr Muse look my way. Hear my heart and give me the chance I have longed for. Scrap the new things even I know I have it in me. Just guide me with your wisdom. Take me under wing show me the skies and tell me I too can fly..
❤ Sharon

 

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Dark side of me..

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DAY 11 – DIG DEEPER:
Do you ever feel like more than one person inhabits you? Have you ever tried to silence the troublesome, weird or darker side of you that makes you uncomfortable? Recall a few times when you have suppressed your multiplicity for fear of being misunderstood, singled out or rejected.

Yes it does feel like that at times. The other side of me that worries about why things are the way they are. The side that focuses completely on dark stuff. The whys? The if onlys? The one that dwells on every past rejection and short coming I have and how it all points back to big bad me. That looks at the people who do not come near me and seem to stay away. I shake my head. In those moments I feel terribly much a reject. Throwaway. Basket case.

The dark side of me would just want to stop and close up shop. The dark side of me would say to hell with all those people who don’t know me and judge me without mercy. I would not normally say that kind of thing. I am more a stand back person. Hold my tongue. Forgive. Move on. Let go. Say anything else as opposed to how I really feel. Avoid face to face in the first place. Do not focus on the problem. But the whole of me has suffered because I do not say it. Do not speak about it. Do not let it out.

The dark side of me would say ‘Fuck off’..

The spiritual side of me wants to stay positive. Even when I share it all I would NOT use swear words and I might hold back some. THIS IS A BIG CHANGE TO WRITE LIKE THIS. Why deny I feel it? I am human. I do swear sometimes. I should not be afraid to write that. Why hide it? My family do not swear. My Christian family that is do not that I can hear. Not out loud, not publicly. I could imagine what they think if they saw this. I don’t think many read what I write so this won’t be a problem for them lol unless someone else says ‘Hmm your sister or daughter or relative is umm swearing on her blog’ and than they read it because of what someone else said. Few people ask my opinions on anything. And my deafness robs me of most anything else I could say because you just don’t talk much to people when you cannot hear them and they don’t talk to you much anyway. Never very open in our family about things. Very much surface stuff. Day to day stuff. Not hardly ever a deep and meaningful. Which is probably why I rarely say anything to them or they to me. Different levels.

Yes there would be a bitter side of me. A side that would sing. “What about me? It isn’t fair. I’ve had enough now I want my share… “ etc.. The song Moving Pictures sang.. Dark side feels cheated. Yes I know I could do more. I have been told that plenty of times. But a lot has happened I have had no control over and whether people even know, care or understand how it affects you. It does affect you. Darkness is real and you do face it even if you are light dweller.

I have not intentionally silenced that side. I think in Christian terms we say we are forgiven and forgive others and that’s about it. Of course people are encouraged to tell their testimonies. How Jesus saved them.
Sorry that is a little tongue in cheek. Sometimes there is so much talk about anything else but how we are ourselves. You can almost disappear completely. We talk about what we SHOULD do right. We talk about what GOD did but not really about the worth of a soul and see that a soul faces difficulties and help them get through it to the other side. The hard stuff. It all seems to be about using it for good.. Our calling. Which is what we all want in the end. A purpose. Perfection kills I can tell you that. But talking about our stuff ups daily it seems taboo. It is like you are under a gag I guess but nobody talks about it. So perhaps that is why so few of us get to the end as we could or should. Why so many suffer so much more than need be. We judge. I judge myself. I judge others. Its what we are taught. It’s wrong. We are called least. It’s so not about us. It is all about HIM. God. And to even think about talking about ourselves. That is evil. I am being evil here now. :/

You just kind of self-destruct in private and in front of Christian counselors and mental health professionals and talk about prayer needs or GOD alone. All like-wise people celebrate that with you.. Tell the hard stuff its different. Nobody wants to see your dramas, dirty washing. Heart. Hmm.. That hurts to write that but its true. Real and raw is too messy. If you think about we base our whole relationship on JESUS getting real and messy and ugly and well he went all the way to the end and we even know the raw details and talk about that a lot. Comes to us. Nope. Let’s just gloss over it.

I KNOW what happened at the end of Jesus earthly life and what that means because it’s all we talk about. It has probably been most of what I talked about for a very very long time. But humanly speaking it’s not the after life yet and the darkness still comes every day and that is real. Sooooo lets be honest in the now!!

I can truly understand people who take their lives leaving messages for the loved ones to find. They obviously couldn’t say it alive could they and what has happened has affected them to the point they gave in completely to the darkness. It has happened a lot with me wanting to give up. I have fantasized about doing that many times. Speaking beyond the grave because I have felt so unheard even though I am alive.. Because it has got very dark, very lonely and I have felt very invisible and even though I write it over and over and over.. Nobody much reads. Even now today after years of putting my heart out there in public and persisting on and on and on..

That’s truly a bummer hey.

I think people just seem blind and deaf to the deepest heart cries because its messy. I believe faith in GOD has pulled me out of the worst of it because I talked to GOD about all the hard stuff when there was no one else to tell or that I felt I could tell.. I did not ever feel judged. I did not feel guilty or black hearted. Just loved and that GOD has immense patience and he does have very very deep and unconditional love for the black sheep, the multi colored sheep and the weird and dysfunctional sheep..

It is very much what drives me now. To speak of the darker side of me and to be honest with you: my prayers or talks to GOD might be very different too after writing this.. GOD sees it all any way.. Dark sides of us.

There is very little truly dark stuff said and it needs to be said.. But for me it is more than I have ever spoken of it before.. quite like this.

 

me

Confession time

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DIG DEEPER: What do you perceive are your greatest limitations at the moment? They don’t necessarily have to be related to writing. What’s getting in your way of your fullest expression and your daily practice?

For the longest time I have been amassing a plethora of art and creative supplies to the extent it’s become an embarrassing habit. Only so many books you can read right? Only so many DVD’s you can watch? I was given bags of books and I have downloaded heaps of free e-books as well but I also head to second hand stores pretty regularly and I just find myself buying more things from time to time.

I am not reading near enough to continue doing this? I am not doing enough art to use all the creative bits and pieces I have collected though I do notice artist types are collectors. I just seem to have an insatiable hunger for surrounding myself with it and finding more and buying more. It seems that no matter how helpful a book might be or how much I want to read and study and learn from writers and artists and inspirational artifacts. Soaking it in indeed does feed my soul. I am just as soon looking for the next book, supplies or e-course and getting obsessed with researching it and reading reviews and buying it etc. The usage of it falls much lower on the list than finding it.

I think it started when my life got difficult. Art via expression and reading books fills in huge chunks of time that being deaf has left me with. Being lonely as a single mother and isolated when I find it difficult to communicate with others. My confidence shriveled away and when there isn’t many people to talk with and listen too you find other things to do and help you cope. I have tried to offload as I go along. I do bag up occasionally unused things and put them back into charity bins. I would be crowded in my bedroom if I didn’t do that. More and more I have clutter here and there in my bedroom.

My bedroom is my safe haven. My comfort space. My go to place. Creative portal. I am happy in my introverted world.

BUT…

I also wish I could stop and use what I have and be honest with myself about what I really will not use. Read the books I have and keep reading them. Instead of search and seek for more. I do not know why I think I need more? I do not know why the addiction? I do not know how to stop that. I know when I am looking at things I am thinking.. I just bought a book it’s not even read yet? Why am I looking at this? Especially when new things lose their appeal quite quickly and only some are used enough. I think it’s like an addiction. Always seeking for that high that comes from getting something new but when you get it, than you need that high again. I do not know. Perhaps I have thought to myself. Some of these things are second hand so its not expensive. It doesn’t hurt to buy this.. It’s a bargain!

It limits me because I am easily distracted even moreso instead of using my time and resources more wisely and getting much more done. Like a hoarding thing. When I go to get rid of stuff it’s not easy to part with things. I can forget what I bought and pick up something only to have my daughter say. Mum you already have that. Very embarrassing I can tell you. 

I get overwhelmed thinking of all the things I have to use and enjoy and you don’t get to enjoy it at all when your busy collecting more. Need one of these and one of these to do that but when you get them you don’t even do that. You think of something else that you don’t have and your focus is on that other thing. Not a nice cycle. It’s not a nice thing to admit.

All this is happening and time is passing by.

Out of habit in the doing and using and producing therefore not enjoying the fullest potential in my creative life. Wastage. It’s not nice to say it but it needs to be said. It is uncomfortable to read it and maybe even MORE uncomfortable to share it publicly but I think you cannot change or see the need to change or work on something if you can’t see you have a problem to address in the first place..

Things have come to me as I walked away from the keyboard and thought on this subject some more.
There has been a void in my life. All of this above helped filled in the gap. I have used my art and expression to help communicate myself out in the world and to inspire myself to keep going. My creative life shares my faith and how God has helped me through. I just have to use the blessings and skills and knowledge I currently possess and be honest with all I do not need and trust that I know the difference and can let go of the need to hoard.

People say God should be enough. But we are not created to be on our own and I often speak about this because people have no idea how difficult life can be when you feel physically alone so much and you can be happy but sad about it at the same time. God himself said it is not good for man to be alone. I haven’t always been motivated or known how to best use my talents and I don’t naturally flow without prompting and stirring up my spirit. Lack of direction has not helped either but sticking to things does bring rewards and you get better at it. I need to set myself goals and not be afraid that I can produce and be happy in the doing.

Some people can just get up and go. They find it hard to sit still but I find it a challenge not to sit still. I am easily a lazy sod.

One thing I tell myself before I sign up to another course. Buy another book etc.. Is that this will one will be my turning point. The things learned, the skills taught, the wisdom gained. I will commit myself fully to doing it, reading it and these things will give me the tools and means to express myself better at the other end. I’m reassuring myself that another purchase and possession will be the best thing I need to go forward more confidently and just stick to a different more productive life. That this very thing will be the catylyst. 

Unfortunately no matter how determined I might be before buying or signing up. I am searching again not long after and not following through.

  

Creative Alchemy

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DAY 8 – DIG DEEPER:
Compare the person you are before you write to the person you are after creative alchemy takes place. Focus on details: how you feel physically, mentally, emotionally — before & after. Compare the pain of doing it to the pain of not doing it.

 
Before — A little tense. A huge hot coffee by my side. I usually do not have a flow till it starts. But I have a desire to get what is in me out. I usually have a good idea of what I want to write. I feel a little heavy in soul. I have a need to do something more. I usually have a huge sense of need to express myself. Need to release. Want to write. I have to be alone. Tv off. Social media off. I often pray because in myself I do not feel that I can say anything worth hearing I need Gods help and direction. I get restless. I have a need to keep going till it is done which is so unlike anything else I do. I do not care so much about the other things in life around me that need doing. Might be dishes that are stacked waiting to be washed. Clothing in the washing machine waiting to be hung out. Bed unmade. I am not in a hurry to do much of all that.
I am aware this is my thing. It is something I can do. It keeps me alive and sane and focused. I am not writing for an audience but I am hoping it is read. That is serves its purpose but I do not write and create for rewards. I basically just have to do it. I do very much enjoy it and it inspires me and I think to myself if I live the life I live and frustration about heavy things I can’t change lifts when I creatively let go. It just might be a help to someone else too to see me keep on keeping on the way I do.

I have a closeted life, I am introverted and deaf and I have faced hard loss in my life. It is like letting a dove in a cage out to be freed. Except the dove is me.

 

After —  I often praise GOD and thank Him I DID something and I got something of my heart and soul out there in the big wide world web because which is where pretty well all my writing and creativity end up. I have seen in my life small inconsequential things that appear to have had little meaning at the time become life altering later on when one looks back or finds out just what it amounted too.

So I release my writing to GOD and let it go. As it is. Simple. Just doing the work no matter what others think or what is the trend others follow. And than let what happens to it and what it means in the wider sense be whatever it will be. Just the container the words and expressions flow through. Be they worth nothing to anyone or something to someone. That is not my concern.

Via my blog or on social media. For all the that sits undone in my house I can feel a real sense of release that something is done and finished and accomplished. Spiritual is to me way more important than physical. To me it is my soul work. It is my calling and my gift to the world. It is what I think I am in this world for. I don’t put a lot of weight on the normal things everyone else sees as important. This soul work is what will remain when I am no more and Internet is so readily accessible world wide your going beyond the little borders of your own little skin suit in the world. Letting your light shine.

I am very grateful for finishing a blog post and hitting publish. There is an overriding sense to check it again. Often in a re-reading I find little mistakes I overlooked. Formatting might have stuffed up and I am not happy with it if the writing is all scrunched up. I like breaks in my writing its easier to read and digest that way. It is a rather silent joy. A little fist pump in the air that only God and I know about it. I do feel much lighter. Maybe a little apprehension putting it out in public and wondering what people will think. For the most I never really do know. So that only lasts a little while. I know if I die without acknowledgment of mankind for my creative life I did what I wanted to do. Said what I wanted to say and enjoyed it and I am free and at peace and joy fills my heart and soul.

Hit Restore…

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DAY 7 – DIG DEEPER: 
Recall an event that has had a great emotional impact on you but which you have a hard time talking about. Practice writing about it freestyle, in a journal format (to yourself).
Pay attention to the parts where you start shrinking. What type of fear lies behind it? What is it telling you? Can you reverse these statements, change this subconscious story running you?

 

The opposite of rejection according to a source on the Internet is acceptance and welcome.. Rejection, isolation through hearing loss and personal tragedies have all been my hardest emotional battle. Even sharing quite openly about them in public social media does not mean people will know or see or hear or notice. I have recently thought of my personal struggles as a type of curse on me. I know people who are not spiritual people would think that sounds weird. But watch movies and TV and there is always a battle where good and evil are depicted as being against each other. I see the struggles I have come against as evils way to shut me down. And the fact that so many seem oblivious to it is also is well known in our wider world. How many turn a blind eye to poverty, child abuse, racial issues, sex crimes, the environment and so forth and really do not want to know about it.. People seem not to care about the very issues we SHOULD care about.. Our fellow man. The destruction of rain forests. Cruelty towards animals and endangered species etc..

 
Unseen battles are hardest to fight. You are literally fighting them on your own and in your own power. I know as a spiritual person generally speaking Christian’s pray daily for each other or they should. We are told the importance of ‘praying always’. One prays for their world and if they have the gift of tongues (spiritual language). They are praying mysteries. By doing this they are literally praying for what I think is the wider world around them especially those who do not know about GOD or the whole way the world has been created to operate. We still know so little about the lives of men and women around us. In this day and age even with modern technology it has not helped us know our neighbors better. People have less to do with their communities and those in the homes around them. It would do us no good in this world without prayer that covered all the unseen violence and abuse found within homes even right next door.. The starving masses we see on the news that seem another world away. Creatures losing their habitats. Unforeseen accidents. Sickness, far away wars and acts of violence in nearly every country now. Homeless and battles of the elderly shut away. So many need help in this world that it be impossible for only some to pray for all without supernatural help. I can identify with those fighting unseen battles. It makes you speak up and it makes you bolder.
I am writing this like a type of documentary and I am not meaning too.

 

I am actually surprised how I am writing this. How it is coming from me as I write. Because mostly in my personal battles I have felt powerless and alone physically. Without seeing many people daily, 95% of the time only family. Even checking stats of my daily blog where I pour out my heart and soul. I can see there is not much attention. It just feels hopeless that anything I have to say will make any difference at all. Sometimes I find it hard even to get it typed up. The blog format will give me problems. I have issues hitting post once it is written. Than when I do post it nobody seems to notice or want to read. I feel that as acute rejection no matter if one should be looking for it or not. I have been very stubborn and kept going and although I feel good every time I put my heart out there. Yah it hurts to literally be invisible. People might say ‘Oh I see your very creative and God is using your talents’ but its few and far between. It is not near enough to think I am helping anyone at all.
I do not want to beg or seem desperate but nobody can live as an island to themselves little babies starved of attention die.
But as you continue on your journey and you walk a very lonely path you are literally writing yourself alive as this course suggests.. But you are constantly fighting the doubts which crowd in and you think what am I even doing this for?? Especially when I cannot communicate like the rest of the hearing world and the hearing world doesn’t seem to want to communicate with me at all. Read my writing that is.
I shut down. I lose my flow. I cannot find the energy to keep doing it. I feel small. I feel needy.. I feel I have nothing to give. I feel that nobody listens. I feel nobody cares. I feel unimportant. I feel on the wrong path. I feel neglected. I feel insecure. I do not feel confident. I feel trapped. I struggle to see beyond my own bedroom walls. Though thank GOD imagination, writing and arts and spiritual expression that give me a beautiful freedom do give me a wider vision. Keep me looking outward I can tell you!!

 
Another difficult part is not only with my offerings and gifts to the world but in feeling unimportant to the very people who could or should support me.. The ones I know the best and who should best know me. Key people in my life have in their treatment of me shown disrespect for the very core person I am. Been very hard to break free of that stronghold. Its like a strong force working against me. Chiding me. Ignoring me. Disapproving of me. Trying to quiet me instead of giving me room to speak. Ignoring me. It’s hard to speak about that if not many listen. We all need room to grow. We all need feedback. We all make mistakes in our growth that is how we learn but when you’re expected to be perfect or a certain way and you are not. It stifles growth and makes it hard to find a way through it. You fight so much to hold your ground you never get anywhere. You literally start to lose anything you have gained because even that is wrestled from you because like a plant without water you shrivel up.

 
I do not like to say things that make others looks bad.. One of the reasons I have isolated myself. Is exactly that I am not forced to tell the truth about mistreatment. I care about the people in my life. I don’t want to speak of injustice but the way I am. The way things have happened I cannot deny what has happened and how it has shaped my life. I cannot just say oh yes everything has been fine. It has been really really hard. Writing gives me a voice again. But there is so much unsaid over the years that has got to come up because unless it does.. I can’t find my voice.

 
Like an old person who is shut in. I have felt shut in. Unimportant to those around me or the greater plan. I found I could not speak very well. The more I kept myself from being fully myself the less easy it was to be free and confident. The very speaking I am doing here. The being honest. The being open is healing and helping and growth and it’s a very beautiful thing. For all of the trials. All of the loneliness. Words are my friends. They give me a way to flow in this world. They portray the very fibers that make me who I am today and even the bad parts are woven into the full life I am now expressing and enjoying. I do not have to be afraid of the bad times..

 
I can see though as I write even about the bad. The difficult and the soul destroying in my life. I have survived. For all the inner work, the isolation, the apparent selfishness, the writing about myself and daily facing struggles. There is strength there to be seen. I have not just done this all and kept it to myself. I am wanting to speak and share with the world around me which does not say I have given up. I associate myself with the world and those who also struggle. I see the need for acknowledging unseen struggles, the need for healing, support and growth through sharing. For using the bad for good and speaking about it too. For pressing through the hard times and for all of it to draw us closer together. Truth sets people free.

 
I can even see the timing of this as being crucial to exactly where I am in my journey. That even as I write I can see this being something that will begin to be put behind me. That to do this. To write this way has touched on the very core of who I am and who I want to be and brought the darkness out of me into the light where it has nothing to do but no longer be a part of who I am. When the light comes darkness must flee.

 

My Radiating Space..

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DAY 3 – DIG DEEPER:
What’s your “Writing Room/Space” like? Working spaces are vital to many writers. What kind of place feels like home to your writing?

Usually my writing space consists of myself sitting crossed legged on my bed in my pjs or comfortable clothing in my bedroom with my lap top across my lap. I have very messy hand writing so I do not do a lot of my own hand writing. I did purchase an old fashioned type writer since I have last done a writing course which is stored under my bed. That excites me but it’s very temperamental and the keys stick. I couldn’t do long pages with it or I would get so frustrated I would have to throw it out the window. I use it mainly for short poems or to type words and sentences to go with my art journaling. I like to write diaries and have kept them up since I was a child. I can sit for hours quite happily looking through those. I have not been a consistent writer though so my diaries have huge gaps of empty pages in them. 

Having a desk probably helps me write more. Even though I hardly ever sit at it. It is covered with art supplies, books and odds and ends and the chair often has clothes draped over it. I think just that I have a large portion of my room devoted to art and a place where I store creative sorts of things means I flow more that way every day because it is in my face and takes up a big part of the room.

Best writing is done on my lap top with a proper keyboard but I have used my ipad many times too. I like to combine words with pictures, more poems of late and share them on instagram and social media. But it can also be that pictures spur on the words and I write longer pieces as well. I love to blog!!
I have woken up in the dead of night. Switched on my Iphone which is close by and with scrunched up eyes from the brightness of the phone screen hurriedly written down a few words or too. I can be dreaming or having a vision run through my head and know that unless I wake up and scribble just a few words of what is happening down I will forget the lot. I have written a few poems from night time visions!! It’s very exciting that this has happened because so many times I can sit virtually empty of anything much in my brain. My brain does not think good things of its own and I am one of these sorts of people who can get zombified with TV or just scrolling on the Internet..

Because I am deaf person or very hard of hearing it gets tiring having to work at listening and trying to piece together what someone is saying so often I tend to switch off. I mentally do it in my brain and it really does correlate with my creative mind too. I have very loud noises in my head also and thinking about writing or any other thing can seriously tire me out. That is why I like visual images to bring peace and keep my sanity. Pictures. Quotes. They are easier to digest. My head can be a very loud place at times. The strange and weird thing is. I can also be just as happy with very loud music plugged into earphones and played on repeat but I am thinking its a welcome change to the noises which can be at times like a plane taking off close by. I can sing and the words or music can drown out the noises or at the very least hide them for awhile. Sometimes music is imperative to my writing flow because words and music go together. If I listen for awhile than I find it easier to flow into my own expressions like the music flows to the beat.
I truly need to stir myself up if I want to get my creative juices flowing because just the fact that I switch off can mean that it isn’t so easy to get my mind switched back on again easily. I need to feed it through reading, spiritual food, looking at things that inspire me, picture books or sorting through things I have collected on my travels through life. I really can be happy in my own little world. I am a true introvert at heart.

My bedroom is filled with inspiration so I am kind of circled by it perhaps to an observer its quite cluttered and has been moreso in my latter life as my hearing got worse. I have books everywhere, picture books and beautiful titled books and even seeing their titles on the book spines just enthuse me to look at them and dream. I have posters, wall plaques, inspirational calenders, a magnetic board with poetic word magnets spaced on it dotted with pics and photos. I just use the collection of magnetic words to make up poems and often cut pictures from magazines to pair with them and try to do it regularly to keep myself stimulated. I have my own paintings around. My room is filled with things that make me feel good and stay thankful and positive about life. 

Home for my writing soul is things surrounding and close that I treasure and enjoy. It’s beauty. It’s things that nurture my inner faith. Having things around me that speak to my romantic heart and keep alive my imagination and remind me of the spiritual realm and God. Quotes and hand made quote cards with scenic views that I change daily and even started making myself are a real favorite, keep my brain on a creative and expressive path.

I thought to tack this on about my writing and writing space.. when I read what I write, it inspires me as well. I write to literally keep myself alive and everything I produce is because I need it too. I have never understood why this latter part of my life has been so much in a type of bubble. As my hearing declined over the years. I have lost confidence in my communication abilities and drifted away from mainstream everything but people have not been aware I do not think.. out of sight out of mind. Put my heart and soul into my writing instead. The lack of interest although humbling and can be heart stopping in not a nice way. It has produced in me a steely determination. I push on. My writing to me is brave.. Although I have gone inward. My writing is my outward expression.. I think I need to believe more in myself and that will reflect in what I am expressing too.. I am working on that..