Category Archives: Deafness

Beautiful Soul Spilling Freedom

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It is like coming full cycle. When you create a piece of art and literally see it healing you as you create it.
Right place. Right time. Neither looking up or down. Neither being afraid of emotions or controlled by them or shut down because you cannot express them or nobody sees them. They are running unchecked, oh so free and it is the most beautiful thing in my world up till this moment.

Those tears do not symbolize sadness oh no but I have cried rivers so they are my truth. Part of my story.

They represent the healing art expression is to me. Art has given me my voice back. My power back. I have come to a place where I can be fully myself and it is a huge contentment plus.

I am not in need of anything or anyone. I love that for a deaf person I am mostly expressing the eyes and face atm and in this art piece the head/face is where it is at. Which speaks of intimacy and eyes represent windows to my soul which when expressing my emotions has kept me alive.. Art expression is powerful when I am feeling invisible, rejected, shame, powerless and I am alone & unsupported hurting more than anyone could ever know.

Which strangles the life in me when it is all shut up inside and I cannot communicate. I notice though I am not having to look straight ahead for anyone’s validation here. I am looking to what I have within me and expressing that right where I am as I am. I see incredible strength in my art today. I see bravery and I’m proud of myself that because I trusted in Gods Spirit & His Kingdom within.. I never gave up and I found a way through the madness.

I am looking to my art brush, to Holy Spirit.. to do what humanly has been impossible for me to do in my own power.

I have so enjoyed this 61 days of creating an index card daily.
Link here to what this challenge is all about. HERE..

I am on day 38 I think. I maybe a little behind the rest. But you know I took my time with this. If you only knew me personally you would know I am not a ‘take my time person’ with anything. And I mean that with sincerity. Not because I am a lay-back relaxed soul. But I do things as easily and quickly as I can. Can’t be bothered cooking or taking the time to prepare meals. The easier the better. I do not spend countless hours house cleaning or applying make up, maintaining my nails and doing my hair eek.. That is quite something for a woman to say these things.

But this art today. I took my time and it felt really good. Using my art supplies is good. It is just good all round. Because I was not being distracted but putting my heart and soul into it. I just do not always care for things as I could they have felt meaningless. A long time ago when I was struggling harder with life. I just dropped so many things to survive and which sucked energy that I needed to concentrate to staying head above water.

As time went on. I didn’t really get my heart back to much of what I dropped.. Some here and there. It is why I faded from so many radars.

So it pleases me that I can see my heart beating with meaning again. I have not blogged in ages either. But today I wanted to say more about ALL that is going on in myself which for the most part stays with me and ohh yes one online friend lol who gets a lot of it shared with them.

Art expression truly has helped me release the need to explain myself. And I have just kept up practicing drawing and painting and improving myself. I had no direction for so long oh dear. So very very long. So to see myself creating daily is cleansing to my soul and immensely purposeful.

I concentrate on what is within me to come out through my art rather than long lengthy explanations which I cannot be bothered with anyway. I mean the people around me have dwindled away in droves so I have had lots of time to hone my skills lol not that I always do. But God opened up a way for me to bring the inward out. I have mostly been alone in it. But you have to be don’t you. I can’t really concentrate on hearing as I am creating being deaf. I cannot listen to music even or have the tv on. Because I cannot catch enough of the programe by snippets of here and there. This is something hearing people take for granted. You can turn your head away and still hear. I have to be literally concentrating 100% and reading text or subtitles or your lips and I still miss so much. So its nice to just not have to try for hours while I create. Actually I lose all senses to the outside world. I think only about what I am creating.. so much peace in this..
So instead I hone in on what I am creating.. Full attention you know. These little index cards are simple and there is no end to what you could create with them. I enjoy following the tags on Instagram to see others interpretations of daily prompts. Day 38’s was palette.

I have challenged myself with the prompts but also I just so love that my spirit can so easily these days just hear a prompt and off my mind goes to bring forth different ideas in all directions. I have had more people noticing my art in this challenge then ever before. I can see the value of daily art and also what concentrated effort and joy brings forth. Immense joy to do these. Obviously the ones I pour more time into I find the most joy from.

People stopping to notice on social media and family members saying things to me when they see me. Wow!!!

I just want my art to be my heart blazing outwardly and being seen and my peace and faith and joy to be evident.. Yes even when the emotions are falling thick and fast I am not afraid anymore.. For so long I have lived a very tiny part of what’s inside of me on the outside but now the dam has broken and I am releasing what I think is my most soulful art to date.

Thank YOU Thank YOU LORD for art expression and how motivated I am in art these days I know I have had oh dear maybe years of sitting and shutting down and instead of flow reduced to dripping tap which mostly only annoys people.

I am also going to add a poem I woke up in middle of the night a few days ago to write. But I have had to change the ending today. Because putting my heart out into the world is not all that I need. I need connection too.. Connection has been my word of 2018. There is nothing like feedback, support, a word or more from people around you to give your artist heart even stronger wings then ever before. It can only get better from here…

Connection.

I write.

I create.

I live.

I feel.

To cope.

To exist.

To enjoy.

To rise. .

To be present.

To be seen.

To be heard.

To show my heart.

To bridge the gap.

Between you and me.

So instead of nothing.

There is something.

What I need.

What helps.

What comforts.

Is to know.

I am out in the world.

I am available.

It is enough.

But also it isn’t.

Not when I’m alone.

I look for you.

I wait for you.

I miss you.

I don’t want to be alone.

I need you.

I want to acknowledge your heart.

But I can’t communicate with you.

Will you meet me?

Where I can understand you too.

Please!!!!

See my art.

It is where our hearts can meet as one.

Bridge the gap.

Connection… 

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Psalm 126:5

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!

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What does my inner child need to know.

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“Loneliness does not come from having no people around, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.” Carl Jung

Something a face book friend Avalon Indigo Moonsong posted yesterday on her face book got me headed in the direction of attending my inner child.

She posted… “Many of us are traumatized children who still desperately want to be seen and heard — forcefully living in the bodies of adulthood.” by Feliciana Cacciapuoti-Mathew .. along with more thoughts which I also very much liked!

I have already shared here on my blog previously two parts of a series I’ve taken part in called “Into the Shadow” by Tracy Algar so the post from Avalon really reminded me of part three which I had still yet to do and it just seemed so right to think about it. Part 3 called ‘Inner child’ fits exactly. So I did an art piece (see below) based on what my inner child needs to know. Link to part 3 which will open another page to the site. Here.

The main image in my art is traced from a photo on the Internet via an ipad ap “Art Rage”. I was looking for a photo of an adult looking into a child’s face/eyes at the child’s eye level showing a real intimate connection between the two. This image seemed just right and resonated with me. I just traced it on my ipad and then printed my drawing. Colored it in with oil pastels using normal computer paper and then used ink spray and a dauber with black ink along with some acrylic paint through stencils for the background.

I want this art to express my thoughts on why the quotes and also on what Tracy has shared on her website resonate with me.  Plus also what it represents to me currently in my life.

I wanted the image to show my inner child face to face with anyone who values me and my need to feel and express my emotions and share my truth and passions as I am.  I have often craved strong encouragement to keep going in my life simply because I feel so vulnerable and weird to keep sharing and expressing myself as I do and I have felt so alone in this journey because few around me have been the same or recognized this heart cry in me.  So I have always tended to stick to myself and go inwardly instead ( except when I am sharing) and I’ve created worlds where I could be as fully me as possible. Many times I’m alone in even these worlds. Or I just shut down in a way and I guess my inner child feels neglected and why bother.

I have not always felt understood, accepted or valued as I am either in childhood or adulthood and I have often felt extreme loneliness.. Explained well by the very first quote I shared here in this post. I found that quote at the beginning of part three of “Into the Shadow”.

I am reminded at this point of the scripture “Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands.” 2 Timothy 1:6 I know that might seem like a weird verse to think of at this time. But the stirring up by another’s hands seems similar to what my inner child needs..

And that is that this endless tiredness of soul because I am putting my heart out in the world unseen which leads me to always be searching and desiring and longing for attention and nurturing and when I seem not to be its hard to keep doing it the same

I see that this need to be valued does actually have a reason behind it. That I am actually much less a person because of this lonely struggle and of course I am not going to feel oh goody lets go do it some more…

To be reminded that although I am a unique person in doing this I am not weird or need feel so awkward..  I can feel brave and precious and that it is OK to be supported to bring forth my fullness of inner being as well as blossom in my adult outer being too.

I need encouragement. We all do. But we each also need to know that we are loved and important as we are and how we are.

Therefore I see that when I struggle to be affirmed by another person it’s not cause I am weak or selfish or it’s a bad thing to be different to others and even the bible agrees that I need it.. We all do.. 🙂 ❤

Therefore I must not lose heart but awaken to the fact that I can be the one to stir it up in myself and recognize the importance of what I do and why I do it.  I can focus on what brings me alive and stir up my art expression to empower my inner child.. My creative spirit.

Confession. It has taken hours and hours to write this and as I am writing my whole thought pattern and flow has changed. I am seeing myself more clearly through my whole life and how I have been and why. I usually work at putting my blog out on the same day. But this time I told myself it is ok to go to bed and sleep on it. That this was an important exercise. That it is OK to be a work in progress and take my time with it. I was being helped even as I left it to work on it more today. Less of a desperation to get it out of the inside of me. 

So I am seeing through this exercise that this adult figure in my art expression is a representation of any person who will meet me where I need to be met.. Anyone who is moved to meet me on a level where I am at. Even if that is via my adult self encouraging what is needed for my inner child to thrive. I do not need to wait for others!

That there is a life changing epiphany.

Soul expression is never selfish but vital to my daily life and daily life force so I should nuture it and treasure it at all costs.

My Inner child therefore seems to represent my creative Spirit and that’s why it is so crucial to my whole being to pay attention to my inner child. Maybe my inner child has always needed art expression and that’s why I have become such a loner because I did not realize what I so desperately needed.

My inner child needs to know it is OK to be myself. That is OK to live expressively and share it. That through sharing my emotions I feel accepted on the level where I currently am. Eye to eye or face to face is so vitally important to a deaf person too who has lost the ability to use one of their five major senses but it does not have to be through only speaking and listening and it does not need to be physical. I can be met in a way whenever I and another person touch souls through my art or words or in a working and understanding relationship. For me especially through online friends have I found this to be a vital link to not feeling alone.

How important it is to be able to communicate where I feel heard and seen. That I am worthy of someone adjusting themselves to my height or mindset or wavelength by reading or viewing or acknowledging me where I am at..

How often have I been depressed because I cannot communicate with others like they can at the same level they are and even feel expected to function as they do. I do not have to try to communicate like you. It is OK to communicate in my own way that works for me.

Yes I do communicate differently and I do so love deep heart sharing. I am built to express myself for I am an emotional soul but I prefer one on one or even prefer on-line where I communicate easily as it is much more personal to me.

Connection happens for me whenever someone pays attention to what I say on social media, sends texts because I cannot use a normal phone or just cares for me in a way where I am free to do the same back. My inner child needs to know that others share my world and want too just as I share their world and want too. That my heart/art expression is valued. Not that it has to be praised for being good.. no no…  just that I be acknowledged for its how I speak, move and it is my presence and way to live in this world.

If nobody says what I need to hear or communicates in a way that I can understand. I can and should say it to myself. ❤ ❤

It is OK to be me. It is OK to live by my Spirit. It is OK to communicate in ways that I love and that work for me. I am enough as I am. It is OK to love sharing my faith and art via my spirit, express myself through art and my own words on my blog and via social media or any way that I do. It is OK to enjoy the way I want to do it and how I do it.

I am OK.. 🙂

Crowd of Witnesses

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I woke up early this morning with a headache and I think even half asleep I am so used to just starting to commune with God in prayer in my mind for healing. I find myself rebuking sickness even half asleep. I think also a bit of pain now and again God uses to get my mind on HIM and this was one of those times. He had a message to share with me. As I am praying I am waking up. Having a drink of water. Toilet stop. Talking to God about things that have been on my mind the previous day gone. Heck my mind can go all over. :/ I am sure others understand this. Unfortunately at times it can be rather annoying because it means I wake up too much and its not so easy to go back to sleep. In this instance I am glad I woke up more than I needed..

Not all my thoughts tend to be happy though. At times there can be rather an onslaught of reminders of ALL the ways I have failed since childhood. Groan groan groan. I wish I could write exactly how my thoughts led to this art piece today and why as soon as my youngest had been taken to school and I was home again I got to creating it straight away. I do not actually know the lead up. I do know that as I sat on the toilet with my phone lol. Yes I do that. I started to type in the words and thoughts that were coming up in my notes ap so later when I got back to sleep I could remember them.

Quite often I can have the most amazing dreams but wake up and quickly forget them 😦

The words I wrote down were ‘Crowd of Witnesses’ ‘Support’ ‘Comforting’ Helps’ Not alone’

I have personally often felt alone in my sharing. There are a few faithful yes. But the majority of what I create, share and express I have felt generally alone with it. So often I read just how important support is to an artist, athlete, person etc when they are working on a goal or career or life purpose. Crowds cheer on their football team or line the marathon course to encourage the athletes, fans buy the paintings of an artist & faithfully attend the concerts of their favorite music bands. Family attends recitals, practice sessions etc etc.. it goes on..

It seems imperative to me just how important it is for anyone who wants to go places in life that they feel supported and cheered on. A reoccurring suggestion often put to me seems to be that my art should be mostly for myself or even just for God and me. Rather then looking for outward recognition and being disappointed by lack of interest .

Now if anyone really knows me I tend to stand back. I tend to stay hidden and do not excerpt myself. I am not known for outward confidence at all.

So putting my art/heart out into the world has been quite a huge step out of my comfort zone personally yet those around me do not seem to recognize this the same which can drive me batty. YET even still I do not do it for feed back or even to be seen. I do it cause I cannot communicate like everyone else being deaf. It is how I express myself plus since I was young sharing with my whole heart has just been my thing AND I love it.

An Artist has to be bold even if they are not doing it to make money. Because its only natural to share art with anyone else. How many little children’s art work come home from school, kindergarten, child care etc and are proudly displayed where everyone can see it. What on earth happens though as we grow up?

I do not know why people think art or art expression in whatever form it takes has to be only for the person who created it. I think it is natural to share it but for some reason many equate that with some kind of ‘look at me persona’..?!?

Anyway lol I might have deviated off track with some of that but I still very much feel I have to explain myself and why I do what I do. This sense in my mind early this morning of a ‘crowd of witnesses’ around me actually brought a wave of sweetest comfort to my soul. I do not know at this point whether I still had the headache or not. Pain tends to be forgotten when you receive spiritual epiphanies.

But I felt very motivated to try to capture that sense in some way artistically and felt a little excited that I had a way forward for the coming day. Oh how many days I have sitting without any motivation.. EXACT reason I’m fuelled by doing this.. the realisation that this surge of motivation is from GOD.. I truly believe HE wants me to do this!!! ❤😍🕊🌈

I am loving oil pastels atm so that is the tool of choice to do this with.

Lol they are supposed to be buildings.. like houses.. but they look more like tombstones :/ perhaps they symbolize buried dreams, dead ends, end of living my life the way everyone else does or the way everyone else thinks I should? End of relationships? Who knows..

They do speak to me of the coldness of the world/people I often experience.. the darkness of being alone and isolated and rejected.

Feeling unsupported in what makes my heart come alive and feel passionate with purpose. I have also found religion cold, comfortless, not easily able to relate to it anymore.. not really fitting in with the aliveness of my spirit. Boxed in..

The figures around me are not ghosts lol but rather the crowd of witnesses Gods Spirit was encouraging me with this morning. Spirit is not like a human voice. It is rather a knowing in you. Deeper than worded prayer yet appears in some ways like knowing ideas that I could never have thought about in my head, yes scriptures made alive with words or images.. that fit with my life and situation.. like a praying in the spirit if you use a heavenly language of tongues.

I think sometimes my spiritual language is like intuition. Art helps me access it. Colours and images and symbols too.

Moon represents my current life..

I actually saw the moon while walking my dog yesterday. Full moon last night.

Night times especially late at night and middle of night I pray best .. Sometimes with tears rolling down my cheeks. I know GOD better in darkness and from being alone both physically and isolation from deafness and social dysfunction. Introversion has its perks though. I have more time to dedicate to art and expressing myself. I got invited to a craft group just the other day. But my heart was not in that. Some of this life I have chosen, most not.

But I do know that I have time to fully concentrate on what I love to do. The downfall I guess is that when I need people or the way I need people my spirit living has some wave length problems to reach others hearts but I really have to trust God with that because there are some heart connections I’ve made that are stronger than any face to face or blood relationships. Most live by the world around them and face to face.

Thankfully the crowd of witnesses around me depicted in my art mean that I am not alone no matter how it feels!! Encouraging. I believe once people die they are spiritually alive but somewhere else. I do believe they are around us or watching. They are purified and aren’t physically limited anymore and with that I believe come the spiritual knowledge that perhaps I am living with some of that too but yet I am still in my flesh body on earth?

They know our hearts unlike people in the flesh around us may not know or appear to know and understand us. I tried to express that closeness and support of the wittnesses by adding some pink to every witness depicted in my art piece around the central figure that represents me.

It is a spiritual thing obviously and although GODs word encourages us to live by faith and not by sight.. The spiritual living I have since discovered when I shifted from physical worship to spiritual worship in truth is very very different like day to night or night to day .

I am encouraged and inspired to draw from their strength. Encouraged by their presence. I do not have to rely on human connections that have for so long not seen or known or connected with me in ways I needed or desire.

God is helping me keep up the good work I have been fitted to do. And I am not hiding my light under a bushel.. or whatever the modern word is for that. Basket? Cover? Under wraps? Definitely not hiding socially just expressing myself through another medium!!

We are supposed to let our lights so shine. My light just so happens to be my simplistic/symbolic art and many words 😁.

Shared via social media in the here and now.🕊

Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..

 

Expectation

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I am doing an Advent 2017 challenge via face book. Run by Mary Brack. I will add the link here. People are still joining in so come find out what’s it’s all about and join with us.

Advent 2017

The word I am up too lol is ‘Expectation’ and I laugh when I say it because I am already a day or two behind because this was for the 5th of December but that is American time not Australian.

Reading scriptures Isaiah 64:1-4 and Lamentations 3:24-26

I did a journal page and the words in italics below just flowed out of me as I thought about it so I will leave it as I wrote it on the page. Random thoughts just in case anyone is interested and can’t read it directly from the page.. the word ‘Quiet’ stands out in the scriptures I read..

It is good to wait quietly for the LORD to save. Lamentations 3:26

I am really not a quiet person. I speak loud, apparently snore loud, sing too loud lol and live loud because I cannot hear to do anything quietly or to gauge what is the norm. I slam doors, slam kitchen cupboards.. Even wash dishes loud.. I have been told..
But in a group of people I tend to be invisible and quiet because I cannot hear to join in. And I don’t know what is being talked about so I cannot really add anything to any conversation going on plus I am shy.. I am really too quiet apart from my own little deaf inner soul.. I hope ha ha I am loud in some way bravely putting this into the world.. it’s my hope..

But I do still feel quiet in my art cause it is so simple and doesn’t really stand out and wow people :).. I say that because I want to be a light in darkness..

And though I put it out in the world via social media and internet and art is my way to communicate. Not too much feedback so it is rather a lonely quiet stubborn journey.

So as in life and art I am apparently quietly doing my thing.. I think this is why the word quietness in this scripture really just reaches out and comforts my soul which longs to be a much louder part of the world but isn’t at least not in the way I wish.

To be a part of the world we are all living in but circumstances tend to shush me and I do wonder why and is it all for something so yes you do need to keep believing, keep trusting and just expecting that YES it is for some good.

All of my life combined has made me feel I am in the background for so many years.. But that God said it is good to quietly wait for revelation/salvation it just encourages me to ‘shine on’ as I am.. Loudly or quietly whatever the case may be.

I guess this IS supposed to be Advent.. Religious flavoured leading up to remembering the birth of Jesus into the world. I just tend to tie it in with my own life as I am right now.. But like the world waits for all the things God has promised to come to pass and really that can be a struggle when the world and our private life groans with stress of life and different trials.. We all wait and carry expectations for our faith, life in general, our dreams, for our family, Christmas coming soon, the new year of 2018, our future hopes and for our world all of which is yet to come to pass..

The word quietness jumped out at me. Resonates with my soul, my experience of life, faith and emotions. Parallel world I live in. Introverted, deaf, doing my own thing. Yet God calls it good. I’m so thankful HE knows. In a world full of noise, people have to stand out but many do not.
They fight to be seen, acknowledged, accepted.
Do thier thing quietly. I think of all the people who ‘could’ have seen the angelic hosts announcing the birth of Christ, it was the shepherds. Quietely tending flocks of sheep. Quietness doesn’t describe the hustle and bustle of Christmas crowds. Loudness booming everywhere.
The cries of the needy, lost to the world buying more they don’t need.
We all wait though expecting more.
The answer to what life means may just come quietly.

I especially want to voyage to..

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project that’s taken months lol but not giving up.

Day 29
ADVICE

Prompt — I especially want to voyage to..

Some people travel the world I may never get to do that. But every day I have access to me. So many things in my life including people have tried to shut me down. The person who I am. My prerogative is to live out loud and at the very least enjoy my life and let that joy be released somewhere. All the better if it helps someone else!!

Lately so many photos on my face book news-feed have been of friends I know traveling the world sharing their adventures. It is lovely and how easy it is these days to share what one is doing even on the other side of the world. I get to see places I could never afford to see but alas it does remind me of how closeted I am. How boring and poor I am lol travel wise. 🙂

I enjoy seeing the world though but it can make the four walls around me seem to be closing in mighty tight especially when you think outwardly too much about it and wish yourself away but you cannot go there in person.

When I was thinking about this prompt I mean obviously there are many places in the world I would love to see. I grew up learning about the bible and the stories in it and I actually would love to travel to the Holy land and see those places for real.. I am best friends with a Canadian on line so obviously as I have talked to him all about his life and where he lives I have grown an interest in his part of the world that would be fascinating to see in person especially cause it would mean meeting him too.

But honestly thinking too much about what I cannot do is quite self defeating.

So my mind was whirring as I contemplated this prompt and suddenly a song popped into my head. The song with lyrics “I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me..” Vivian Chow is the artist and Ron Miller the composer.
I have not been all over the world in fact I have never traveled out of Australia except to Tasmania lol which is an island state but daily I can visit and trip to ‘me’ and lack of money cannot bar me from this journey.. The imagination alone of one human being can change a world. Look at artists and authors whose imagination has brought much joy through the ages!! Dr Suess, Ronald Dahl, J. K Rowling, J. R. R. Tolkien, Frida Kahlo, Vincent Van Gogh, Claude Monet.. Andy Warhol.. to name a few.. So I shouldn’t be so afraid of being in my own little world.

You can never be bored if you open up your mind, use what you have at hand and introverts can really be at home with themselves and enjoy their own life much more than extroverts could.. If you can be happy on your own and find your own amusement right where you are it makes the hard times extremely bearable and you can still have a full life. Paint your world red or blue or green or multi-colored and change it every day if that’s what you wish.

Obviously art journaling, prompts, blogging etc all these are ways to explore myself and my faith and life. If I can keep doing it daily it truly helps me stay positive, happy and stops me shutting down. Cause we all know life can be hard and a daily slog and when not much changes around you, not much money etc you can pine away and lose hope.. Creativity keeps the inner world alive and kicking and imagination can take you places that are fun, challenging, deep or shallow and do not depend of others being there or not.

That song I quoted before many of the lyrics resonated with me so I added them to my art journal page.

It’s interesting as I look at the pages which I did a while ago now. That although the black figure which represents me seems boring it is surrounded by very bright colors!!!  I can see in my art I am depicting that I am not found where naturally one would think I should be.. I live on in my art and I don’t know whether other people do see that or not. I do not get a lot of responses and although I am not really very social at all I think my art is me being extremely social!!!

My art continues to go out into the world so people can find me if they really want too and I hope get to know me better this way.
The key word for this days journey is Advice and mine is ‘Live out Loud’ which just seems so appropriate and what my life has been all about as I am said to be a quiet, introverted person yet bright yellow in the background really does scream something quite different doesn’t it.

Deaf people are often muted in the world simply because we cannot communicate in the normal way so we can be easily forgotten and left out.

One important way to live fully functioning for a deaf person is through expressive sign language which I don’t think anyone can help noticing!! It’s very visual and many hearing people nowadays enjoy learning it.. A whole new path to communicate.

Art has been my path and it so beautiful and I am very thankful to God for it. Loud is  expressed in the colors that I use. Loud is speaking my truth and sharing my spirit/heart publicly often even when it appears no one is listening.

Sharing my blog which is my thoughts etc into the world via social media IS being loud. It all says something about who I am and what my message is to the world and sometimes I am amazed just what I am expressing and how easy it is to do when in the natural I feel quite tightly bound and muted. I cannot physically put myself out into the world like I wish I could but here oh wow I am as free as a bird. So where I am missing in this world.. you can still find me.. right here is where I am and what I share is what I feel and think and see. So where I cannot travel in a physical sense with words or in person or to different places because I do not have the money or availability to do so. I can travel through myself via the creative expressions I use.

This lyric from the above mentioned song say it perfectly.

Because I had to be free.

Escape

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project — Day 27 

(haven’t given up just taking my time lol)

“Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.” — Twyla Tharp
I wish I could communicate like everyone else. I often get tongue-tied even when I am with people and that’s without throwing in deafness. Every day conversations aren’t deep enough either and I go away frustrated that I didn’t say or ask others the things I really wanted to say.  I turn off easily and that’s not the fault of people I’m with it’s just I crave deep soul connection and it’s tiring having to try to hear and understand even half of what’s said and find a way to dig deep as well. I also like to chatter on about everything too but that’s hard to do when few are around and there are barriers.

 Art stops me giving up shutting down completely.  I used to wish more people saw it but now I just have to churn it out to survive. 🙂

Somehow when I create.. everything i miss and all that’s unsaid inside me doesn’t need to be said. Somehow it’s absorbed into what I’m doing and where my art takes me and it’s enough.. I don’t have to go anywhere and yet I feel fully alive and happy. As if I’ve travelled all over the globe and sailed the widest ocean. 

When I create and express myself I’m not disabled and I can go as deep as I need. 

It doesn’t have to sound right, it can be loud or soft, bright or dull. Angry or sad and I’m not restricted. Yet it still says what I need to say. 

Things fit together in this world. I don’t have to explain myself here. I don’t have to miss out.. 

Why I love what I do is when I started looking for cut outs from magazines for this page. With the word prompt “Escape” in my head I found the word almost straight away. As if this very page was exactly what I was meant to do today. It was waiting for me.. My life seems fitted for creativity and I run here more often than not.

I see it as God going before.. meeting me here. I’m welcome. I’m free. I’m happy. I’m contributing. 

I find the connection I need to live the life I live. Meaningful & with purpose. I can let my emotions sparkle & shine. I can share my heart & soul and enjoy doing it. Where I can be fully me and speak my truths. Live a full life within this skin and the circumstances I’m born into. Where joy springs from within no matter how many emotions I might have felt up to this point. I belong and gracefully even my imperfections are perfectly at home in this place.. 

(( For this Art Journal page.  I painted over an image in a magazine with water colours and gelatos and it ripped unfortunately when I pulled the page out.. I’ve kept it and didn’t throw it away.. symbolises embracing my own imperfections.. I’m learning colouring skin, drawing faces and the shaping of the face, shading, colouring and practising finding my own way to express my own unique art.. )) 

Words Tell My Story..

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DAY 27 – DIG DEEPER:

Where and how does your writing fit into the bigger picture of the world? How would you want it to? This is a chance to review your creative mission (what your writing gives to the world) and vision (what your writing gives you).

 
See the pic below.. A lot of what today’s post is about..

 
From a website called Wordle.. Only able to create one with Internet explorer not Chrome. In case you wanted to create one..
I cried seeing these words.. I have just been commenting to someone who came here and basically told me I am in grave danger and under deception? I don’t know if they even read my blog? Obviously I am now treading ground that is very different to the main stream. According to this person and a recent other person to contact me I have to buy their books lol to read about where I am deceived.. Sigh. I never ever got the answers in books though I have learned some good stuff through the years . I bought books till they were coming out my ears. At some point you have to ground yourself without needing more and more.
My writing fits into the bigger picture because I have a voice, a choice to put it out there and a means to do so. I have fingers that can type all day lol. Ha ha when there is nobody around to hear and I cannot exactly sit down and communicate freely I have my ways. 🙂 I can tell what is in my heart, what is helping me and hindering me. I can share it all basically. I always fussed about it that is seen or not or read or not or that it was ‘written’ perfectly. I only have to look at words in that picture and my emotions are stirred and that was random.There is power in words.  It’s just something inside of me can’t help but be moved and I know I am not the only one is the world to be moved by words so I can just flow and I know it will move more than me.

“But words are things, and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think.” — Lord Byron

 
I think about what a perfect stranger is judging me about. Yet I see these words and I know what is inside me. I know God with me and I know HE isn’t about external like people but the heart.. I don’t care what they say but it is sad that we are not looking at people’s hearts and seeing beautiful things there. That we are judging by some standard whatever it is and wherever it came from. Those words in the picture came from here from my blog. I copied one complete post into the Wordle creator and that is why came out. Body, Know, Way, Change.. The ones that stand out the most and they sum up the massive change that has happened in me and in my mind about what life and God and faith and expression and soul mean. Way being the biggest I think and ranked on the top of the biggest words!! I know I am going the right way.. I not only know the Truth I know the Way too. I am in the body wether people acknowledge and agree with me or not. I KNOW that I know that I know.. No human being can take that knowing away. Nothing separates me from HIS love.
I printed it out and will put it in my art journal forever.. So many other little words around and how they came out that speak too.. So much I can say. So happy right now. So at peace. I just close the door to all that speaks against freedom and truth and life and tries to bring my heart down to the ground. My wings are permanent.. Soar on wings like eagles..

 

My writing is me. Its my heart and soul. Its freedom and beautiful and I combine it with art expression too.. Such a joy.. I am so aware that despite so much around me that could suck my soul and tries. I am happier and freer and more joyous than ever before.
Last couple of days, the last week.. Really ill for about a week. Than in my art course the videos were not loading properly and I struggled with that for half a day because I do not give up easily, and I can’t hear everything the teacher Kelly Rae Roberts says so it takes a lot longer to go through the material. I miss some. And than yesterday my printer just stopped connecting to the home Internet and I worked on getting it back on line for hours. Most frustrating. Finally worked a way to reroute it straight from the printer to lap top/ipad etc.. Believe me I am no computer wizz. Trial and error and persistence got me through and prayer..
I realize that despite difficulties, deafness, technical probs, not seeing many people to talk too and many just think I am too way out there.. I am surprisingly unaffected. I mean at the time its ahhhhhh… but today I feel a glow. Nothing takes that away.. In fact I am more excited than ever before to keep on.

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How I Listen

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DIG DEEPER: How do ideas find you? How do you recognise them? If you dig deeper, you’ll see a pattern. When are you most prone to find them? What activities, mood & company ignites them?

Ideas fit together in my head. I am looking at a picture or reading a quote or a bible verse.
Or I am thinking a line of thought.
Than out of the blue something just clicks inside me. Things fit. Make sense.
You could say I see the light. I usually feel very excited. Usually alone with it.
If there is someone around I might start babbling on about it. But usually its something I have to create and express in my own way on my own to get it out of me. If I think something or see something and I am away from home or its the middle of the night. I have to jot it down for later because I forget otherwise.

It is like suddenly I’m charged up within myself. Thoughts seem to flock together like pigeons. Suddenly all descend into my head.

Like an unfinished puzzle and you can see one after the other where each piece fits. It might start out as a word. Than that word will turn up again a bit later on. Than appear again. It may be totally unrelated in the finding  but to me it  all points in one direction and says something relative. I can see it calling out to me. Here this is your direction today. Focus on this and I can just sit down and start writing. I can put together an art piece or page and know how it fits and how to put it together.  

I just see Gods hand so wonderfully in this line of work if you will call it that. It is a restful kind of work. Something I enjoy but it takes time and effort to do it. The fact that I can be a here and there type of person. Not a planner of my day. Spontaneous. Erratic even. And yet the same message will show up again and again in my small corner. That’s a wow moment.

I am a reclusive type person. A hoarder type.. An Internet junkie. I am on a pension. A stay home mother. Yet in this very place inspiration comes. I don’t seem to need to go anywhere. Be anyone special or do anything amazing for it to come. This is where I feel most alive. Because I know all that is not happening. All that I could be feeling and this is just not reliant on me at all. I didn’t finish high school. I don’t see many people through the day. People are not drawn to me physically for any particular reason at all. So this inspiration is I believe other worldly. Gives me incredible hope I can tell you.

I cannot plan it.. comes randomly though there seems to be some deeper working there because it can be found in old magazines, in old diaries and on the web posted by totally unrelated people yet there is a pattern to it. I can’t make it happen. I can’t think today I am going to do a piece on freedom.. I usually start with a blank mind. I pray. I seek God that is my way. But than I am free. I don’t feel compelled to be super religious. I just see that all of life is pointed inward and affects the outward and God is involved so all that comes is precious. Sometimes it shows up one way and sometimes another.
It all comes from what I have within my reach. I love second hand stores and garage sale hunting on the weekend. I love just going from one place to another on the internet. I look at magazines and not the celebrity type though if I can get my hands on glossy expensive type magazines they have the most amazing pics and stories in them. Lately I found these absolutely great “Slow” living magazines. Feast for the soul. So many beautiful scenes and words. Mind and heart comes alive just looking through it.

Earlier in the day is best for my creativity. When I am not so tired in body..

Obviously for me being spiritual minded is my go to.

I can see the difference in me when I am creatively motivated. I am easily able to think about what to say. If you sat me down in front of people I would be tongue-tied and most likely lose interest quickly. Writing and blogging and art journalling I am so much freer. I am not inhibited by disability which is deafness. I am not inhibited by blankness. I enjoy it.

I can virtually take what is around me or in my line of vision or what I have thought about or visualised that day and bring it all together and know what way to express it. Its truly incredible actually and even I am inspired by what comes out of me. I am like a different person. I come alive. My eyes light up. I have fire in my belly. I am learning not to work at it. Rather to let it flow as it will. It really is play and fun most of the time. I can see what it means to me but I leave what it means to the person who might view it up to them. I used to have to explain myself and re-explain myself all the time. People are going to think what they think. I give myself over to the Spiritual side and let what comes come. I know what the message is physically doing to me and how my mind is flowing and that I know what was in me to begin with. I truly believe that the same process which so brings me alive will do that too whomever shares what I express and the freer I am in the letting go of it the more another soul will be be touched by whatever this is being GOD in me or what not..

I do believe this is my calling.. I am fitted for this. I love it.

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My Voice..

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DAY 21 – DIG DEEPER:
What issues have you felt more misunderstood, unheard or silenced about? How would you rephrase them in a way you feel your voice is heard?

I could write a book here lol.

Maybe the last five years I have been silenced by decreasing severe hearing loss but also by isolation and people turning away. I have stepped back myself so I know it’s not all other people’s fault. But some major rejection happened by a select few that kind of screwed with my life in such a way that the bottom pretty well fell out of my world. They wouldn’t agree to the word I used to describe it either. Hey but its my writing and it’s how it felt to me.

People can find so many faults in me and do. I can myself but I want to be truthful. Being disabled doesn’t mean people give you any help. It doesn’t mean people treat you differently. Now I don’t want to be treated differently but…. I am not like everyone else I DO NEED help and assistance and I don’t get it really. My kids yes they have to live with me. But few others no. I am treated like everyone else and I fell off the side of the earth with it literally. I don’t really want to communicate with people who don’t want to communicate with me. Not where it is such a struggle and too much work. Obviously others feel the same.

Writing has become my voice.. Art my way to express myself in the world. Faith is my salvation. But I can’t do it like everyone else. I was not fitting in with everyone else. I cannot sit in church and be like everyone else. So I found GOD outside the walls and HE is everywhere and it more amazing than anything I learned within the walls. And HE does not turn his back on you when you do not do it like everyone else. I think HE applauds us actually. HE enjoys us being the unique people HE created us to be.

I am reading a diary at the moment. It is a book written about diary entries from one year of a famous man’s life. It is shocking to read the life he lived. It’s extremely raw and often x-rated. But I love it. Not for the things shared and the content exactly but because the man shared everything he was feeling and experiencing like nobody else I have ever come across. He talks very openly about his life and his lows and highs. I crave deeper living and being able to express myself in every part. I am not put off by the things he talks about though it is very shocking. I can see the power in it to be truthful to be open and transparent. It was on the New York best sellers list when it was first released.
Heroin Diaries.. A year in the life of a shattered rock star by Nikki Sixx

It is so inspiring me to keep writing and be more and more raw and honest. I so admire his strength and determination to use all his life experience at that point in time to help others who may have and are going through similar. It is a whole other world to me but I am learning about the way he kept up his diary and just spilled his heart, blood and soul there. That to me is priceless. He is a very gifted writer. I can see also that though he was a broken man his spirit/soul was still strong and that good can come from the very worst kind of evil in the world no matter how we have dealt with it at the time.

I think the more raw and down to earth you are the more easily you can connect and connection is very important to me because it is my biggest struggle.. I cry seeing people close and enjoying company and I can’t be the same. I feel so excluded so weird so different so alone at times. It’s more than being a loner its being in a whole different world to everyone else yet living side by side with them.. Obviously life traumas effect you and change the way you function so that is a part of who I am and how I live because I have had my fair share.

My writing is my unheard voice, my soul, my presence in the world and my very way to communicate who I am and what is important to me.

That in the very writing course these prompts are part of it’s said that writers are often experiencing very much the same feelings I am. I draw incredible strength from that. I have solidarity with artistic type people. I know I am really strong within despite my weaknesses and I can see beyond them that I do have much still to give the world. Empowering.

There is no excuse for other people to say I am not speaking or present. I am speaking and I am present here in my writing and its public because I am always sharing it. It’s up to the people around me now to read it if they want to communicate with me and find out what I am all about.

 
DAY 21 – DAILY PROMPT:
Write passionately about something that you would be willing to protest against or for. Explain what it is, why you would be willing to fight for it, and how far you would be willing to go. Never standing up for anything is the easiest way to always fall for everything. Tell us what you would be willing to speak your voice, shaking though it may be, for.

 
Truth.. I am passionate about truth. Not just religious truth. But truth about people. Truth about weakness and strength. Truth about who we really are. Truth about struggles and hardships and feelings. Definitely truth about feelings. Knowledge of the truth sets free. It’s the not saying over a long period of time where dysfunction and lies set in and we get separated from one another. We need to be heard and seen for who we are not what people want us to be.

Nobody should be afraid to tell the truth. That people are loved even though they fail or get weak because telling the truth about it is brave but we need to face what it means too especially if the person is hurting and they feel unheard. Truth about GOD. Not the lies so many tell or the half truths. HE is so so so so so much better than we can even think of or imagine. It’s just people judge him according to the evils in the world and their experiences instead of who HE actually is and what HE is about. HE doesn’t box people in or force Himself on anyone instead HE gives us wings and there is no set way to enjoy HIM. His love is never ending. He includes everyone. Oh my how that needs to be told. God judged his Son so we wouldn’t have to be judged. We are all free people and it’s beautiful. People are beautiful not everybody knows it about themselves and that makes people act differently than they would if they knew beauty within and without.

Everyone deserves love. I stand for equality for all. Respect for all. How I wish people would stop judging each other. Just accept one another. We embrace good and see strengths in all people not faults. We love without conditions. That everyone is treated the same. Yes we stand against evil. But I think there will be less and less evil when we love without conditions and include everyone. People need each other and they need to be believed and they need support. If you are accepted, if you are supported and if you are loved I think that cures so much of the hurt in our world.

That we stop seeing a formula but rather the ONE who made it all and give HIM the credit instead of take it for ourselves because of what we do or don’t do. HE has hidden himself so HE would be found but its easy when you use your heart than there is nowhere HE cannot be found. Not in rules and regulations but in goodness, kindness, beauty and freedom. Especially recognized in love and where there is hope and always where there is joy.

That if we saw ourselves as one people world wide, no matter the color of skin how much more wonderful a world it would be. That we respect the environment and everyone in it and the animals too are taken care of. Sharing with each other, working together and enjoying our world and each soul had a place. Nobody is better or worse than anyone else.

I stand for world peace. For God. For love. For each other. For working together as a whole!!! For truth!!! All our stories are important.

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Creative Health..

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DAY 20 – DIG DEEPER:
What helps you create from a healthy place? What kind of body, mind and soul fuel builds you up and makes you feel more abundant, resourceful, equanimous and infinite?
Make a list. Keep tweaking as you go.

Not being afraid to listen to loud music via headphones and sing. (deaf)
Creating collages.
Writing and keeping a diary.
Prayer.
Being inspired with things around me.
Sleep.
Coffee.
Movies, books, Internet.
Reading regularly.
Taking notes like writing down fav quotes and keeping them.
Art Journalling.
Photography.
Spiritual contemplation.
Someone noticing me and being interested in what I do.
Noticing others.
Living from the heart.
Holy Spirit.
Being myself.
Awareness of this moment as precious.
Keeping up with artistic people’s daily jottings and sharing.
Walking daily does help.

 
DAY 20 – DAILY PROMPT:
Write a healthy soul, mind and body prescription for yourself that includes Writing + Other healthy practices that make your writing better: Food, Sleep, Exercise, Nature…
You are a full package. If you were your own holistic doctor, what kind of medicine would you prescribe yourself to make you come alive?

Pushing myself is good for me. Even if its reading a book I normally wouldn’t. Making a change in the things I do daily. Setting even one small goal for myself to keep up and ticking the box at the end of each day. Apart from the normal every day. Sticking to anything is a game changer for me.

I have a nature that sits down. It would just sit down without any effort at all easily. I call it a lay back nature. I have to motivate myself every single day. The less I do the less I do the next day. To stay healthy I need to remember to drink water in between coffee and tea. I need to make myself walk as often as I can. It is wonderful when you do that regularly enough that when you don’t do it you feel like a big fat cow.

Yes I need to daily make myself be creative too.. Which is strange because I love it. I can be sitting on my bed with inspiration all around and yeah not do it. So even though I might seem to do it regularly I still have to motivate myself to do it. Push myself. I feel tired now. It is only just after twelve midday. I do admit I stay up later than I should. I overslept today first time in ages but it is a sign I need more sleep.

I need to make myself do house work and rare is it that I keep on top of it. I can’t remember the last time I was on top of it. Probably when someone was coming to visit (rare) so I wanted to have the house tidy for them. My greatest personal bug bare is just keeping my diary. I know I love doing it. But I can struggle to get anything on the page. I think I am afraid that it has to be interesting. That it can’t just be what I think and feel. I really really want to work on the expression part. I feel I am scraping the surface and there is so much I do not say. I mean I need to be honest with myself. I need to not be afraid to say dark things. Sometimes I am so positive that its hard to say it as it really is. I can’t even find the words. I need to work on just saying it and not having to share it. I share publicly so often that I am censoring without thinking. I need to be ok with writing raw in my own private way at home. THAT JUST MAY BE LIFE CHANGING.

That is the crux I think. If you regularly do it its much easier and I think the channel is open for a whole lot more of life. The longer you go without doing it the harder it is to get real and get it out of you. I am so thankful when I look back and read about my life and children and can remember what we did and when but I see that what I have not done is open up my heart which is where I live from most and you cannot live whole if you don’t live from all of your heart. I have diaries with long gaps in them. Pages and pages of nothing. That’s depressing.

I also really really enjoy reading so its another struggle to keep picking up my books but when I do I am thankful. My tank is fuller.

Of course the most important is prayer. Daily prayer to God. Being the kind of person I am I need HIM. Oh how I need divine help. I do believe most anything I do that is productive is because of HIS grace. I have wanted to stop too many times to count. I do not do anything in particular to pep myself up except coffee. Of course this could also be a problem too. Relying on GOD and not doing things with the strength and brain HE has given me. Dear God send me a husband sort of thing and not leaving the house. Umm well I know God does miracles but I can’t meet people if I do not meet people!!??

Ok yes I do hoard art things, book and supplies. They help fill in time and give me inspiration but they also surround me with more clutter and that can drain you and steal your life. You are so busy dealing with it every day. Lost in it. I am easily distracted so yes being surrounded by books, magazines, art supplies you can see how I would get off track very easily. Need balance.

I do need to get rid of things and not day dream away into an imaginary world. It is not easy being very deaf and today I have extremely loud noises in my ears which if I thought about it could be depressing. You have to forget about it and not think about it. I think switching myself off has been a go to thing. Escape thing. Perhaps good medicine for me is just facing things that need to be done. I always feel better having done something that has needed doing. It does lift your spirits and make you feel productive.

It is not easy being a loner though I like being on my own. I have to force myself to do social things and outside of the house things. Like everything else in my life. I have to work on that more than normal people who probably gravitate that way without thinking.

I am like everyone else when you eat, sleep and drink healthier and do regular exercise the mind works better. The spirit is lighter and I think mentally you are more able to cope with whatever life deals you. As a spiritual person my faith gives me wings that is for sure. But as the bible says my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. I do have weak flesh. Flesh that would sit and turn off easily. Flesh that loses its focus. Flesh that gives up and shuts down. Flesh that does not think of things without prompts.

Good medicine for me is daily focus on GOD.. Being thankful. Not being afraid to be myself, being real, no matter how different or similar or simple or extravagant that makes me look.. Attending to my soul/spirit/creativity. Getting off my butt to walk and do things around the house that need doing. Every day lose clutter. Use it or lose it. Keep doing that daily. Making plans and sticking to them even if its just making small steps/changes. Getting enough sleep. Focusing outward on others more. Making that a goal in life. A new goal. Being confident. Realizing that I make mistakes but so does everyone else. Being free.. Eating healthy to give myself the most energy and boost that I can and that will also be a good role model and help to my children too… ❤

 

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