Monthly Archives: August 2013

Today’s Soul Splash

Standard

This started as my prayer diary to GOD… but also shares my heart, thoughts and spirit. I cannot seem to write a blog post directly.. but flows better indirectly.. and as I am the same when I talk to GOD or you… 🙂 I feel its the best way to get my heart out there into the world.
Yes I did edit it a little for here.. some things are private and personal and between God and I.. but I think this is me.. my soul.. and I think every soul that splashes brings colour to the world..

Good morning LORD… Thank you that you don’t disappear every day when Im not talking directly or often to you.. It is a beautiful day out there and nearly Spring too!! I have LORD enjoyed seeing the Spring flowers around our city.. Especially the “Magnolia’s”.. they catch my eye… Thank you for a Saturday morning I love these.. pjs.. coffee.. crunchy museli today.. it my kind of fun.. I have my diary opened.. a pen to jot quotes.. I can chat to people.. comment.. share things on face book.. read… Thank you LORD.. my little sunflower is dancing..

LORD thank you for bargains yesterday.. it makes me smile.. for coffee with daughter Talitha and my sister Shell.. I would like to go to the Art Museum tomorrow.. and ice cream at “Cold Rock Cafe” something Zali and I can do and both of these were listed on my “100 things I’d like to do in 2013!”
I hope she will want too.. maybe even niece Kayla to come with us.. or my sister Shell I don’t know.. thank you You are right here in my room.. with me now.. when I do art.. when I am out and about.. when I post on face book.. when I cry.. when I laugh.. I am never alone.. ever.. yes I need to remember that more often.. You are very patient.. you are very loving.. and you are very good.. Thank you for many blessings you give me.. I will enjoy perhaps making more time for my sister.. to do things.. interesting things.. maybe next time walk the lake.. changes.. small changes are easier for me.. it feels good too.. Thank YOU I sorted things with my ex Justin about family matters.. We are blessed that although divorced we have the great relationship we have.. not many who have come through so much can have peace like that..

I was saying earlier to you verbally.. that I am seeing more things more interestingly.. like even though I have not been commenting on what my sister writes on face book always (deactivated her account yesterday for a time) with our different views and well we have had our struggles.. I miss her not being around online.. its actually a strange feeling.. not even half a day has passed.. I am surprised by that.. It has hurt the distance in our relationship at times and with others too.. I guess if you look at what you don’t have or wish you did.. it saddens you.. but when you look at what you have.. its contentment.. its peace.. its ok..

I know people LORD look down on – being online.. but its interesting to realise you can miss the person online when they are not there… that there is proof that online has deeper meaning.. it must mean more if it actually creates a tangible loss.. I mean yes for goodness sake.. I am talking to you GOD… and not seeing you.. how many believers have an amazing relationship with you without seeing your face.. but struggle with online relationships lol.. wow that so encourages me.. its the Spirit and Truth you spoke about many years ago I think.. What we experience is indeed only restricted to how we view it..
I mean ha ha.. this is the ultimate.. spiritual relationship we can have.. with YOU.. and if this is real to us it should free every other relationship and close any supposed gap in the physical realm.. It is total freedom of the spiritual kind which brings untold and meaning to yes… these flesh bodies..

I know I go off on some other tangents LORD so easily.. lost in translation or something like that.. but thank you for online relationships.. for this method of writing and relating..and I am so so so so so glad for the souls I am meeting.. LORD I love them.. they are so beautiful.. I feel connected.. I enjoy their souls.. its more real than I can explain.. and oh my every single one of them is unique and not one the same.. I mean its glorious.. to be totally free.. to enjoy.. to learn.. to grow.. to make mistakes and laugh about it.. or learn from others mistakes.. not to be pitied.. but loved as you are.. its so inviting.. invigorating.. yes… yes.. I will do and go and be.. free.. and no fear.. and enjoy.. and its not boring.. or forced.. or hard.. but heavenly in crazy ways that humans can participate in right now.. that are not going to be analysed but celebrated.. They can fly upside down or zig zag or dress in black.. or multi colours.. they can be known for what makes them who they are without restraint.. and yes people fly.. fly in the face of danger.. fly off the handle lol.. they fly when they do things that they shouldn’t be able too.. they fly when their spirit soars.. They fly when they live free!

I could see LORD the difference in Mandy’s face, I’ve been reading her e-book.. ( Spiritual Wanderings ~ Mandy Stewart) … from the first pictures in her book.. in her eyes.. in the way she looked to what I know she looks today.. incredible..

I really notice Gerri Halliwell from Australias Got Talent too.. she just stands out for some reason.. her responses are very thought out.. and she is a very smart woman.. and very beautiful inside and out.. I enjoy her being a judge on the show.. the things she says and her soul.. you get a sense that what you see is what you get with her.. very refreshing..

I am seeing different.. may that never stop.. I guess there is something to be said.. for being closeted.. you notice that much more about people and life.. because you cannot take it for granted and you hungrily notice it and appreciate it.. actually I enjoy TV for many reasons now.. what people say.. not sitcoms but the interviews about people where they speak about how they feel, their experiences and such.. I am looking forward to Sixty minutes interview with Michael Jacksons mother.. I can see Michaels eyes in her eyes.. What stories she would have.. how much she must miss her son.. because to the world he was “Michael Jackson” but to her he was her son..

See how I am noticing things.. I love that.. may that never ever ever stop.. Amen

20130831-103143.jpg

If only it bloody mattered..

Standard

Back in the dating scene again at 43.. is a truly scary thing..

But its even more scary when your disabled, have kids and no income.. thats nigh impossible.. ha ha..

Ok I probably cut off my nose despite my face when I tell men those things about myself.. I mean what man is going to want a dependant? Here in Australia.. if you even live in a defacto relationship you are considered dependant on the primary bread winner.. I am paid a pension because I am hearing impaired.. severely hearing impaired also get child support.. but I think if I marry the pension would get cut or I would lose it altogether..

Doesn’t give one much hope of attracting a spouse.. I have tried dating sites.. with little success.. It just feels so wrong to pick and choose amongst so many men I really know nothing about.. I seem to meet mostly men overseas. They find me through face book.. and I have not had really good success there either. One relationship I built a friendship for 8 months and he was pressuring me to commit. Im overseas and thats not going to happen easily. And I guess he got sick of waiting and decided to chat up my sister on face book.. ohhh saying the exact same things he said to me. I was thinking of visiting him too.. I am so glad I didn’t.

Ohh I got really mad at him, yes he declared love and no I did not reciprocate that love but how can you fall in and out of love and then days later say similar things to someone else.. and my sister never the less??

Really really hurt because yes I did care about him, more than I let on but he talked daily and very few do with me. That took the wind out of my sails. So now when men introduce themselves and talk a few days and say lovey dovey things I am like.. come on please please how can you say that. You don’t know me and my heart withdraws and it kind of weakens their chances to get to know me. I am going to hold back even more.

Now the reason I said that above.. and no I don’t talk like that normally.. but this is insane.. that single men and women will overlook disabled people.. or different souls.. or men or women that don’t tick all their boxes and I think it is very very sad.. I am currently talking to my best friend in the world.. male.. ha ha.. but been friends for years online.. and he is overseas wouldn’t you know it.. But 13 years younger.. ha ha.. that does make me feel good.. but we are just friends.. I cannot have anymore children and he is wanting kids and I would never do that to a guy.. Deny him children.. but this guy is my best friend and we talk every day.. I thank God for him.. He gives me hope I can find a guy that talks back to me and daily and wants to talk..

We both don’t tick all the usual dating boxes and it does make you feel a reject.. un marry able.. and you might not put yourself out there or give yourself the chance because according to the way the world sees dating compatibility who is going to choose you?

He is extremely faithful, in all my 43 years I have not ever had a friend who talks as often as he does.. and he cares.. These two things are what I consider priceless.. and they should bloody matter.. But he says in the dating world.. they don’t seem to matter..

Ok my body is ageing faster than I would like it.. I have a divorce behind me.. I have kids.. I have a disability.. but I am still loving.. I would be faithful.. I believe in love, unconditional and being kind.. and supporting one another and romance.. all the stuff that SHOULD be important.. but because the first few things I wrote about are what put people off.. well I don’t get a chance to show my heart.. and the heart will always be inside the person till they die.. after the body ages and the hair grows grey..

Its sad that probably the pick of the crop is discarded because they are not bright and glossy and beautiful to the seeing eyes.. they may be wrinkled.. have a bump or two.. or not be as appealing.. but please please look with your heart.. We all want to be with lovely people.. but think.. think hard.. the people you love most.. might be old and grey.. your grandparents.. or your parent.. or an old friend.. or a disabled friend who cares.. or they might wear glasses or be deaf.. or they might wear goth or be gay or be in a wheel chair.. they are different but that is what makes them attractive to us.. Now please don’t think because I wrote wheel chair or gay above that I am labelling them.. just trying to make you see the soul in a person not the outside.. but recognise that it should matter.. bloody should matter about the soul/heart and not about ticking all the boxes whatever that means..

20130825-144228.jpg

Is there something I can learn from this?

Standard

Last night was a hard night for me.. I sat beside someone I have loved over half my life in emergency.. Someone who has made me a mother, I’ve loved and who I have prayed for, cried about, argued with and been majorly frustrated with amongst other things..

Ha ha he is also the one whom GOD sent to teach me how to love HIM and know HIM and all through our years together taught me so many things..

As this is public I will not relay anything personal about him but I will share how I feel about it.. Obviously being in emergency means something happened that is scary and shocking.. But I am glad I could be there.. Yes it was my ex husband.. but ohh my.. there is so much emotional history it is never just about that moment…

I have not slept much overnight.. thinking.. dreaming.. nightmares.. crying.. prayers.. talking into the darkness to GOD.. we have been divorced about 2 years I think.. but I was married 18 years and knew him from being a teenager.. We have 6 kids.. 5 on earth.. 1 in heaven..

I can be honest and say I don’t really know how I feel about us.. any more.. but I would do just about anything for him.. I still love him I guess but you move on without the other person beside you when they cannot be.. not by choice but because what else is there to do.. I have let the relationship go as much as I possibly can.. I mean divorce is pretty final.. But when an emergency happens it changes everything.. maybe more so for me inside.. emotionally.. Maybe that is the women in me.. or maybe that is just how I am wired..

I insisted he contact his family.. Im glad that he did.. but then its hard.. because I am not his wife anymore.. ex-wife sounds so eww… I so want to mean more to someone one day.. you know.. but that is for another time to write.. and I have written about that of recent some.. I have to remember my place now.. Look its not the same anymore.. maybe only people who have had broken relationships can understand this.. But I feel I take a back seat or even that I am not even in the vehicle now.. yes that is what I feel.. I could just be a friend.. which is weird.. you have to hit reverse when you want to hit drive.. give all the hurt.. the desires.. the hopes.. to GODS hands.. and let HIM lead you where he will.. and see what the other person wants… as my counsellor said.. Because his heart was not in it.. I had to let go.. yes I found peace.. healing.. but I guess an emergency brings things back to the surface.. I am still me.. I don’t stop loving.. feeling..

It hit home that in a moment.. any time your life can change.. I was able to be there to help last night.. not sure today what my role should be.. I can be smothering I guess and I can have my own views and well we are not apart because things were obviously perfect.. I saw GODS hand upon me to be there at the time.. things worked out that way.. that deeply encourages me.. And I have prayed for this man probably 20 years.. yes I guess you could say.. well those prayers really worked.. 🙂 I have thought about that believe me.. but we cannot choose what prayers are answered and how.. We also fail I am sure in our part that we play more than we care to say.. But I am stubborn… and it is part of who I am.. to pray and leave the results in GODS hands.. I have peace for the end of our relationship as husband and wife.. but it doesn’t mean I like it or wanted differently or understand it or know what is coming.. If I cannot be his wife.. I will be the best damn friend I can.. 😉

But it is hard to pray and pray and pray for a long time.. believe me I have prayed every sort of prayer.. my best guess is there is a greater plan afoot.. That there is a bigger reason.. I have certainly seen my own life play out in ways that affect a greater plan than I could ever imagine.. Not the way I want mind you.. but there is still much joy in the journey..

It is hard to keep loving.. caring.. hoping and wanting.. and not getting.. but that is true love isn’t it.. to love without reciprocation.. GOD reminds me just how HE loves all peoples and how HE understands when it isn’t returned.. 🙂

I can feel HIS heart too in this place as I have found HIM very close to me.. HE has been the one I turned too.. HE is a great comfort.. to talk too in the darkness.. to cry too.. to air my frustrations too and share my joys.. I have more hope and peace today.. I have felt the power of the moment.. because even as I sit here wondering how my ex husband is.. and what will happen.. and how things will go.. I must trust.. and I can let go and realise its ok to want things.. its alright to be honest.. its alright to feel.. and even if my ex husband never responds the way I want or wanted.. its alright.. GOD knows my heart.. and all of these things have their place even if I cannot see it yet..

Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.. . Galations 6:9

20130818-124919.jpg

How it Flows…

Standard

( I Type prayers.. Journal prayer) powerful way to just flow with His Spirit.. Dustin mentioned is an online friend. We talk pretty well everyday I thank God for him.. )

Good morning LORD.. I slept in today.. I am well aware of attacks against me now.. I cannot actually really hear my own voice today which is very weird.. I can feel a headache slight LORD.. and a kind of hopelessness settling on me.. I am aware the kids want to do stuff.. I have not any real direction.. LORD I seem invisible to people.. posts going out with hardly a mention.. and one had none.. I don’t know LORD either I am in the wrong place doing the wrong things and nothing much will work or they are attacks on me or….. I don’t know..

LORD I acknowledge you in my day.. because I believe in YOU.. just now the sun shines brighter outside when I said that.. thats comforting.. and there it goes again.. Thank you for small mercies every day.. I will trust YOU..
LORD I just simply acknowledge you in my day.. YOU know all these things right.. how I am treated.. how I am seen.. what is thought of me.. LORD in YOUR hands.. even my hands feel tired to type LOL.. weird..

My sunflower is dancing.. the sun is out.. the wind has been shocking.. and there I was yesterday hanging washing in it.. no wonder it was such a struggle.. I believe YOU LORD.. LORD thank you for a long sleep.. I just paused to pray over my ears and send a blessing to the source.. as we are told to bless our enemies..

LORD I am glad to talk to you.. or type to you..
Dustin was struggling yesterday I have gotta stop struggling when I talk to him.. this rest.. or entering in the rest of GOD.. has to be the answer.. that is what is coming to me now.. I know sometimes I have to struggle to enter.. but I am aware it gets easier after that.. I am in YOUR hands no safer place than that..

Your purity I was thinking of the other day.. that helped.. didn’t help anyone else.. lol cause when I told Dustin.. he said that was only for me.. but it helped me and it helps me still.. it always will because when I look at my life.. faults.. disability, frustrations.. but YOU in me.. or just YOU alone.. purity.. healing.. wholeness.. etc.. no fractures.. no brokenness.. no troubles.. no err.. so I think of YOU in me.. and well that is hope.. that is freedom.. that is blessing.. that is deliverance.. that is truth.. so that is my salvation.. mine now and always.. especially now not just when I get to heaven.. you are the same for Dustin and I.. or anyone for that matter.. so there you go.. always the same.. would help anyone.. that is in YOU.. or YOU in them.. Rest, purity, yes.. nice.. I rest in the knowledge of YOUR rest.. I rest in the knowledge of your purity.. yes yes yes.. I feel my soul sigh..

I in YOU.. YOU in me.. means I am joined to every man, woman and child.. I am included.. no matter how my life or circumstances lie to me.. say different.. its all a lie.. thank YOU LORD I am included.. thank YOU LORD I am accepted.. thank YOU LORD I am beloved.. I breathe deeply.. its so blissful..

I close my eyes.. even as my fingers are paused over the keyboard I feel how tightly cramped they were.. I sit eyes closed and gently stretch them out.. it feels so good.. As I just breathe in and out.. in and out.. I feel even the loud noises in my head abating.. getting less and less.. the curse of Tinnitus…. so very loud it was earlier.. like jet planes close by.. no wonder I feel bound up.. tight and ratty… I stop typing for a bit.. just rest.. ohhh the bliss.. the peace in my soul.. thank YOU LORD.. Sometimes when I have just sat in my bed like this.. I have felt uncomfortable.. my back hurts.. or I keep shifting.. but today.. just now.. I am not moving.. I am breathing in and out.. and I am blissful.. a whole new me sitting here typing and trying to capture what has happened since I first started this.. Im so relaxed LORD.. so at peace.. smiling.. the noises in my ears are still there.. but they are not overwhelming me now.. the sun is coming in through the space in my pull down blind which is open a fraction.. Dancing sun flower dancing in the UV’s.. My body is rested.. my mind still.. and my heart hopeful..
Thank you LORD.. I have not meditated in a bit.. I am surprised how little I had to do to get this again.. and I am still able to type and think.. but its easier.. and I want to do it.. and its not pushed.. its flowing..

Im stretching my arms it feels good.. as I close my eyes again this time for a longer period.. the words come.. meditate day and night.. like a tree planted by still waters.. so is that YOU LORD saying.. that to be like this.. often.. through the day and night.. I would be being like a tree.. which yields its fruit in season.. whose leave does not wither.. everything he does propers.. the sunshine just got brighter coming in the window as I write that..
I have learnt those verses off by heart before.. but YOU bring them to mind LORD.. and it gives me the idea that this meditating.. this stilling of the mind.. this thinking on purely YOU is helpful to my life.. and the produce I wish to bring forth.. the sun is brighter than ever before outside my window.. I feel YOU in the sunshine.. the warmth.. the rays when they touch me and my heart or so it feels..

This time with you has been very beneficial.. I am calm as opposed to scattered when I first wrote this..
my thoughts were on the attacks.. now on the freedom I have.. YOUR presence within and without.. is greater.. assuring me.. blissful.. and calming..

20130817-121119.jpg

20130817-121140.jpg

The lesser becomes the GREATER…

Standard

This came to me today.. and it made me smile..

Luke 9:48
GOD’S WORD Translation (GW)
48 Then he said to them, “Whoever welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me. Whoever welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me. The one who is least among all of you is the one who is greatest.”

For in the bible.. the humility of Gods Son JESUS becoming like a servant catapulted HIM to Lord of Lords and King of Kings.. Being born in a stable as a helpless baby…. being subject to his parents and customs of being born Jewish.. living as a carpenter.. not being a King on earth but living as a man without a home and a place to lay his head..

But to the nameless, faceless masses all through history, present time and future HE is our Saviour.. and by simply believing in HIM as being whom HE said… we are given heavenly status.. becoming children of GOD…

The reason that portion makes me smile.. is I was thinking of the famous people on earth.. you know movie stars.. royalty.. all whose names people know around the earth. They are rich, or have a lot of sway and influence.. Maybe they have trophies for being the best at sport.. or awards for selling the most albums..

In the normal realm in our cities… regions and countries there are other well known people.. politicians.. celebrities and such.. Even in our schools, families.. churches even… some stand out more.. they are well known and given status and greater honor.. Its different for them.. Maybe yes they did come through much personally and suffered.. or triumphed and overcome great difficulties.. or worked very hard and their name was suddenly well known and they got much benefit from that and recognition..

Im not talking about any of these though.. but talking about the every day normal person.. who goes about their lives unseen and unheard.. doing their daily tasks invisibly and with little or no recognition.. small personal triumphs maybe not even another soul knows about or very few.. They definitely were not born with a silver spoon and may never use one either..

Even in their family, home or neighbourhood they live under the radar..

The Lesser known.. the least of men, women and children in status or world view.. I had to smile to think of that scripture in light of what GOD said above.. that the least of all of you.. is in fact the greatest..

Just for the moment I could see Justin Bieber, Brad Pit, Oprah, Lady Gaga, Roger Federer etc anyone you or I would consider the greatest in this world or lording it over us.. And I don’t mean that in a bad way.. but we all know there is social status and how it feels to be on the bottom or close too…

I could see these great people as us and us as them in heaven.. maybe they are doing the menial jobs in heaven.. if indeed there is any… Just a mind thing and it made me giggle.. and the least people and yes I see myself as associated with these.. the ones everyone shuns.. Now in my vision being treated as greatest.. Its a nice thought.. giving me some hope here on earth in my life.. I hope it might make you smile if you understand life from this perspective..

Its just a vision and may well be and probably not the case it will be at all.. but it made me smile..

Because GOD sees us all very differently than man views man and man’s achievements here on earth.. And even though I count myself as among the least on earth and I don’t think people realise there is worth in everyone and I know in my own life this to be truth at this time anyway.. I KNOW I am worthy of JESUS dying for me.. and I know GOD doesn’t create junk!! I know all of us are immeasurably priceless.. It just helps me in this life I live to keep my focus on how GOD sees us all differently and the roles we play here..

“I heard the laughter of GOD in the midst of me and within the world, and was suddenly changed. Old patterns and ideas were shattered and passed away — a new loveliness of LIFE was exposed to view” Walter Lanyon

20130816-114319.jpg

Journal Prayer

Standard

Good morning LORD… soon as I can YOUR first.. but I am glad I have washing drying on the line.. Oldest daughter took kids to school and I am dressed and showered and I have done my dishes!!!
Just feels better that is all..

Well here I am LORD.. and here YOU are.. I saw YOUR hand upon me yesterday.. I know YOU were with me.. and YOU know all about me.. I am happy now.. I am concentrating on YOU.. I do need to let go of some things.. AGAIN.. lol… but Im so glad YOU are here.. and this is possible.. and I can type write my prayer/ talk or whatever it is.. YOUR grace is sufficient for all things… Praise YOU for this..

I am going to see everything perfect..
I liked this quote I read somewhere yesterday.. Nisgardatta’s magic words _ “In my world nothing ever goes wrong” This is my salvation today.. YOU.. your grace… your mercy.. your forgiveness.. your view.. your love.. your perfection.. your glory.. your way.. your truth.. your life.. your hope.. your strength.. That this is how YOU see things.. this is YOUR realm.. YOU don’t see the failures.. you just see perfect us… Amazing.. I mean that knowledge swallows up all the niggly, horrible things that I could think about and vent with you..

YOU pointed some things out to me as I slept.. so I did wake up and scribble them down.. it is strange times.. but I feel keeping my focus on YOU is what will bring me through.. Its not about what happens to me.. or even the things that come against me or even what is not happening.. or what people think or don’t think.. Its about YOU.. and in YOU I am holy.. ohhh that is good news.. funny I feel this one should be published.. weeird..

Problems last night again with a person.. unnamed because YOU know.. but in YOU this is already dealt with.. and even though I got frustrated.. sad.. angry.. disappointed.. could have said so much more and wanted too.. but sometimes all I can do.. is tell YOU and trust YOU with it.. sometimes there isn’t another person around to tell.. Or who might not be bias.. or would understand.. because if I tried.. I would seem bitchy or they might think I’m depressed or they might think crazy… ha ha.. they might not understand at all.. Who does though.. like YOU.. who does understand us.. and how every word can hurt or we can feel mis-understood by even people who know us well.. And we want things LORD.. that never ever seem to come.. and you just know the other person has no idea.. Whoosh over their head completely.. and that in itself can drive you insane if you let it.. This confidence I find in YOU that YOU are listening.. that even though I don’t have a conversation perse with you back at me.. I find peace floods in or joy floods in and I just know I have been heard.. I begin to think good thoughts.. and my perception changes..
Thoughts come that are totally opposite of what my jumbled thoughts are creating inside my head.. They are cool thoughts.. to a hot head.. 🙂

LORD if sharing my thoughts, the way I get through things.. helps another soul.. it is worth it.. because YOU do help me.. YOU do listen.. YOU do understand me.. and ohhhh that is the biggest reason I keep my faith in you.. Not because of the big things cause honestly I don’t always see them.. some I do.. but there are things in my life I have wanted and not seen come to pass.. yet.. 🙂 but I love that I can believe YOU are here.. and I can believe that you love me and YOUR spirit is inside.. working.. helping.. strengthening.. using me… ohhh little me.. stumbling.. imperfect.. procrastinating.. lol.. little me.. with my big faults that people love to pick up on.. ha ha.. but YOU love me.. and I know it.. and I believe it.. and thump my chest because I won’t get down about the stupid stuff which everyone goes though.. and I will believe I am holy.. Wow that word and me together.. lol.. but YOU made it possible.. because YOU lived perfect.. YOU did that for me and YOU say I am with you and even in me through YOUR spirit and I believe it..
That makes everything work together.. and helps me along my way.. to keep going.. no matter what.. and they can say what they say.. or think what they think.. but I know YOU know and YOU know I know.. and that makes it all OK!!!!

20130813-110641.jpg

Looking Back & Surging Forward

Standard

I am forever seeking inspirational things.. quotes.. words.. pictures.. expressions.. in whatever way I can find it..
I am happy in my own little world.. but I love that I can search the internet, second hand stores.. old magazines.. books etc for things to make me happy and yes to share with others.. I guess I am an introvert in many ways.. but extrovert when it comes to what I am thinking about.. I kinda need to let it out.. As I am restricted socially.. being hearing impaired. I naturally just go online to communicate but it has also become a way to express myself where I feel no restriction. No disability.

I read an art journal prompt in an online zine I bought on looking back at the memory lane of my creative life.. seeing how I have progressed.. My idea for a bit of life direction… was to see what is coming up the most out of what is flowing from me..

I looked through my diary (written book), art journals, online blog, things I have posted on face book etc.. and the highest recurring theme for me.. is that I am simply sharing.. I mean that is restricted to online of course but hey online goes all over the world..

Diaries and art journals here at home are personal but ha ha I do take photos and share even those things that I piece together at home too.. I simply like to share what I am doing.. I have always like inspiring and encouraging others.. I like to pass on things that make me happy.. I do also like and need the responses.. especially when someone says something like.. “Thanks I really needed that” or “wow that spoke to where I am at”… that sort of thing.. But as I have said before I don’t do it specifically for that because sometimes very few say things..

As I am writing this and correcting before I publish. The thought came to me that I do need feed back. Think about it. It is normal to go out into the world and share your thoughts and expressions simply by communicating with a friend or colleague or family member or even a stranger.. But because I am hearing impaired its not as easy for me. I cannot hear enough to strike a normal conversation. Its done in very small ways, gestures if understood and it is very limited. Stopping and starting in a conversation because I cannot hear well and often means repeating and most times I confess I just decide to stay away from people..
Ive got off track here.. but I have to be honest I need feed back too.. I need to be heard although I am finding deafness can be isolating and one sided.. Those needs still have to be expressed.. my thoughts.. my feelings.. my heart.. my frustrations.. and my joys.. so I can be honest and say that in some way all that I do in my creative life is in a sense that Im wanting to be heard..

Of course expressing about my family rates high.. as does encouraging.. expression.. art.. inspiration.. creativity.. funny things.. expression.. bright colours.. my faith.. things that are a bit different.. & about life in general..

I can see more creativity in myself.. more fun.. more freedom emerging.. more ability to express myself.. more desires in me to get into it.. looking at what I produce makes me smile, feel happy and encourages myself and gives me more inspiration to keep going.. The more I do it.. the more I am wanting to do it.. Better ideas come to my head.. my heart is happy and free.. I am more able to enjoy life everywhere else.. I can be more unafraid to be me wherever I am.. I can think of creative ways to tackle life.. I find myself more productive and I given helps to encourage others.. Also a fearlessness to talk and say things that may go against what the majority believe or might be confronting or very different to what others are thinking.. To go against the flow..

Im less restricted.. in my past I was very religious. I read only religious type books only saw certain movies and I thought it best to be around certain people. I was more restricted in my views of the world and of how people lived. I was more judgemental and less open..
I feel less stuck now, more able to enjoy a wider spectrum of humanity and I am finding my unique self.

I have a closer and more intimate relationship with GOD and I do like and enjoy sharing that wherever I am.
Which is incredible really. All our lives we are taught to go preach the gospel. But it was with hesitation, and in dribs and drabs and it wasn’t particularly easy or enjoyable. NOW try to stop me.. lol..
I like to express that freedom in my creative life. I long to do more and more with it and let it out of me in an ever increasing flow.. It would be likened to the scene in “When Harry meets Sally”… and Sally fakes an orgasm in a cafe.. and a customer says.. “I will have what she’s having”.. Its so good you let it out wherever you are.. and people can see its different, unique and enjoyable.. and yes stand out.. and they want it too..

Less afraid, more on fire, definitely happier but its the lasting kind.. the deep inside joy that can still be there even when I have a crappy day..

I am learning Spirit.. Creative Expression.. GOD.. is cup running over..

20130812-134524.jpg

Flowing from my Heart

Standard

Two things are on my heart right now.. Divorce.. and keeping things “Personal”.. I bracketed that word because that is who I am.. I like to be honest and open and I am created needing to share things.. I don’t have a great deal of people I talk about things too.. So for me writing.. journalling.. diaries and social media are a way to get things out of my insides.. My voice so to speak.

A friend wrote on her face book recently how we need to keep things personal private. I don’t agree speaking about myself and I wrote some of what I feel in response. Obviously each to their own but its not fair to blanket approach everyone the same. Specially with a platform as popular as “Facebook”.. Now probably some people do indeed say too much or talk too personally and you do have to be careful especially when you are referring to others in our sharing. I have myself got into trouble there.

But in a world that is slowly or quickly becoming less personal I think being ourselves is more crucial than ever before.. Now I am open that is me.. and I realise others are not.. But that shouldn’t mean I cannot be me just because others are not comfortable.. If people don’t want to read then don’t. Thats where I find a blog is great.. though it isn’t easy.. I have children online who have access and many friends and family.. Do I want to personally share things and have everyone I know read it? Well I do link blog posts to Facebook but that’s me.
Sometimes there is a fine line as to what actually can be said.. but it certainly makes you creative because I will still write knowing it could be read by many I know and it does make me think about how I come across!!

I have not thankfully lost too many people.. meaning people befriend me because I am offending them.. there has been a few family members which is very hard and a few others. But mostly most have accepted me for who I am and what I share. Probably less now respond than ever before but it’s not about responses I am learning more just to be me and this is me!

I do appreciate people being open and truthful and especially brave hearts that open up and be who they really are without fear of being rejected and taken the wrong way.. I like quirky!

I also mentioned divorce above.. I have been reading an autobiography and the author when writing (1996) was happily married a long time and had at the time been with the same man since a teenager.. I did a check online which I now wish I hadn’t at least not yet – Wikipedia – and found out they are now divorced.. I am so sad.. Of course I don’t know the details but in the book they seem happy and inseparable.. I guess my own divorce a few years ago still deeply affects me.. I am surprised at the intensity of my feelings over reading about this marriage breaking.. To me marriage should be for life.. Love forever.. I still believe in it. But divorce happens.. Still so sad.. I have a bit to go in the book so maybe I have destroyed my chances at enjoying the rest of the book.. I have been so enjoying the love between this couple.. The woman is a celebrity and that they had a long happy marriage was exciting to me.. Sigh.. I wonder how it will change the story that I am reading knowing this now?

It affects you every day.. He is one place I am another.. Kids two homes.. Life has majorly changed going from married to single.. Your future was ahead of you to raise kids and age with someone beside you.. Now it’s divided homes and ???? as to the future.. Everywhere you see a family you are reminded of what you no longer have.. Everything is different.. All that you have are memories.. You still have dreams but now they have to change and I have not ever found a new dream.. You still love at least I do.. But unreciprocated feelings left inside to fester.. I pray.. I cry sometimes.. I hope.. I wonder.. I trust.. I open my heart and keep feeling and keep believing…

20130810-143329.jpg

Creativity Unleashed

Standard

Just write whatever.. blockages lol.. Why oh why do I see so much untapped potential in others.. and why I feel so unable to help them.. I say something but I see they are not considering me.. but I don’t know what they are thinking though.. I get so little feedback.. It says.. what you have to say.. means nothing.. I see so much lack in peoples life.. they are truly stuck.. I get blank myself.. and I wish I could just say the magic word.. to unplug their bath and let the stuckedness go swirling out like dirty water.. down and out.. down and out..

So they are smiling.. they are motivated.. they are able to be who GOD created them to be in all their glory.

I feel I am not enough to do that.. but I know the source of life is with me.. how to tap YOU LORD.. it always comes back to YOU… I know I am not enough.. but then I have YOU.. So the answer is within me then..

LORD.. unblock me to create in me the imagination and freedom to release what YOU have for each person I come in contact with.. not being fearful of what they might think but releasing to them ways and means or words and dreams to take them higher and make their wings sprout.. So that they can see for themselves the ways and means to be free.. To fly and soar and create so much more in their lives.. To be free… to not have to worry but think up new ways to do almost anything..

Yes yes that is what I would like to do.. what I want.. I don’t care how it comes.. or what it brings to me.. that this is done for every one who needs it that I come across.. that is more than enough for me.. Just need the flow to flow.. the know to know and the go to go.. LOL.. And to do so.. wherever and whenever.. to see the souls ignite.. it only takes a spark to get a fire raging.. and it cannot be contained..

It starts… and each one can affect every one they come in contact with.. wow.. you can see a revival can’t you.. out of just flowing where you flow but its about the flow isn’t it.. because its unstoppable.. and all one needs is to let it flow and it will do what its supposed to do.. Its what we all need… because its not for one its for all.. and it doesn’t mean the same thing its coloured differently in every soul.. Its custom fitted but each uniquely designed for the one who receives it.. believes it..

I can see it sweeping the earth, catching up everyone.. no one will miss out.. its glorious and gorgeous.. and it will not be boring at all.. and everyone will have their part to play.. in the grandest production of all time.. everyone is invited.. and it all started with letting the CREATOR have HIS way!!!!!

20130809-114105.jpg

Totally Opposite

Standard

Incredible how it works..

Thinking how seemingly little is affected by my life.. how little influence I have on anyone..

And GOD reminds me that I cannot go by outward appearances.. I was sitting around this afternoon scrap booking for personal reasons and just doing quiet at home things.. my usual one friend on face book I chat with was away.. Just no one around and I was feeling invisible and unwanted by anyone but not sad with it.. just aware of how it is.. You know the days when no one contacts you (family or friends) and you wonder that maybe its because you have nothing to offer them so why would they..

But… and this is why I write now.. GOD reminds me of times past.. where HE moved people because of something I did inadvertently… HE also reminds me of Gideon in the bible who was hiding in caves.. said to be the weakest of the weak of the tribes of Israel yet when the angel of the LORD appeared to him.. he was called.. “Mighty man of valour”.. or something totally opposite of what he in fact really was..

GOD has a habit of using weaknesses to show HIS strength.. moving in different ways to what people expect.. Don’t you love that about HIM.. Gives us all hope!!!!

Truly in my life I have not ever lived so hidden, isolated and even on social media kind of fading away.. even though I am there every day.. It does kinda make you look at your life and wonder what you are indeed doing wrong.. but GODS encouragement has flooded my soul.. I think now instead I am in fact exactly where I need to be.. And doing exactly what I should be doing..

Being that a total change of thoughts came to my mind which is so powerful.. and the peace and strength just emanate out of me instead of hopelessness.

Getting home not long ago from picking up a daughter from High School .. and after preparing food for our evening meal I now quickly run to type up this blog post. All this inspiration that comes into my mind I know is GOD despite me.. Yippee!!

I know I must write this post and I love that out of nothing comes something.. That I can write at all and it flows easily shows me GOD is working and the fact I am not discouraged that no one may read it.. Wow!!
For it has not come from any other source.. and I know it was not from my thoughts or heart.. because I was thinking total opposite.. There is a great blessing on GOD simply in us.. does not matter how it appears..

I had not long ago written to a face book friend whose marriage is in trouble.. and I was telling her how GOD sees her and her husband.. Which made me think.. silly me.. GOD doesn’t see me invisible but indeed a very bright shiny light that majorly affects the world around me.. And that I can write now.. and even the pics and verse on the pic all came to mind very easily and quickly.. Shows me greater things are happening..

I realise no matter how it seems.. or how it looks or how many hits/likes/comments a post gets and how many people I talk too through my day or how many faces I see.. GOD is with me.. HE doesn’t fail.. and I need to see it all differently too..

20130801-164838.jpg

20130801-164935.jpg