Monthly Archives: January 2017

Amazing how the messages come to me

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— Wrote in my diary — today 24th January 2017

Looking through the hashtag on Instagram #myfearlessyear2014 by artist Beth Morey. 

Feeding my soul. I think this is my problem. I’ve been starving. A starving soul. Wondering why I can’t function.  I need to eat first. 

(Bizare) next thing I see.

Quote from pic below

 “The main thing is to stop struggling and nourish yourself.” 


I’m so thankful. Gods Spirit with me wherever I go. Always speaking.. 

Two more quotes I found while there that I love.. 

Stop being relevant. Just be you. 

I’m not interested in spirituality that cannot encompass my humanness. 

How to be part rainbow and live with the rest of the colors?

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I am sorry but I react differently to the way I used to be. I cannot be the same anymore. The old ways just don’t work the same and I don’t want to go back. I want to go forward.

I find it very difficult nowadays to relate to people because I live from my Spirit rather then outward formalities. The christian life I grew up in, since I have come out of outwardly living it. (The only way I can really say it.) I realize I was not fully myself. I was another shadow self or I adapted ways to speak and act that were not really me but what I thought I should be and what others around me were being. It is not that they are right and I am wrong now or that I am right and they are wrong. It is not like that it’s just I wanna be my own color but yet still be a part of the rainbow.. which I am I know in my heart. We are all a part of the circle of life, Gods family of all colors and races it’s just for some reason we do not recognize it in each other and do not really know the fullness of what HE has done for us as a whole creation.

I see people speaking a certain way now and I love the person but… I just don’t know how to answer them anymore. I realize now that is how they have been with me too and why it has seemed I have fallen through the cracks. When I say cracks I mean a whole lot of people haven’t had anything to do with me anymore and you just sense distance and that’s not just me pulling away but them too. Treated me differently. They must see what I write and how I am and they cannot gel with me the same just as I haven’t been able to gel with them. So there is this gap or what seems like a gap in our connection I suppose you could say. Yet we are the same in spirit. I see this because we are all created in GODS image and created by Him so there is similarities in all of us. I cannot see sheep and goats anymore. Sinners and saved. I see what Jesus did is for all mankind. Most just do not know to the extent of what HE did and see it as only for those who do certain things and live a certain way. I see HIM as the way and that I and everyone else (even those not knowing) are included in that. That is actually a whole other way I am different in my beliefs now too.. What I have learned in this journey. There will be some who will read no more and call me blasphemous but I hope despite any differences anyone can still read on.

I do write this though as a sort of apology to all the people I cannot gel with atm. I really wish I could explain it but the way people talk, the things they say. I cannot be like that anymore. Come at them like that. Speak like that anymore. I just cannot and of yet I haven’t known how to speak, act and be me and let you be you and believe what I do and you believe what you do. Find a middle ground sort of thing. I do so wish to be a peace child. I realize as I write this there are people who do not even believe in God and have a different view altogether. Even if you do believe differently, we are all humans on earth collectively speaking even with our differences. We are all people who would do better as a whole if we were living side by side in harmony even with our differences.

I struggle when anyone is using a different kind of language than I am especially using Christian terminology to communicate to me and it has appeared to me if I am not like the majority of Christians, there is immediate break down in speaking back to me or acknowledging me.

To explain myself. Jesus said it is like this.. it’s like putting new wine into old wine skins. I see to be a believer at all it has to be a whole new way of being. I do believe I am living now more or mostly from my Spirit and not from my flesh or living the christianese way.. I made the word up.. Lol. But the trouble is if everyone else was living from their spirit or even some of their spirit wouldn’t there be at least some connection? I am no longer coming from the outward behavior standards and I see that makes all the difference. Yet I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water altogether. I see some who leave the formal way and give it all up. But I still very much believe in God.

When I thought of writing this I thought of the colors of a rainbow. How the rainbow is.
We see the colors after rain or when the light reflects a certain way. We see all the colors but say ‘hey there is a rainbow!!’. We don’t dissect it and think every color should be the same because it wouldn’t be a rainbow if it were all one color!!

Or we don’t just recognize it for the blue or the green or the yellow. We love it for its unique beauty in all its glory. We love it because it contains all those colors side by side and together they paint the sky in iridescence. I don’t ever get sick of seeing rainbows. A rainbow encompasses all the colors not excluding any and no one sees it for only certain colors unless they are color blind.

Of course humanity is much more then seven colors but each of us is our own shade of similarity. I have yet to learn how to speak to the yellows or greens or purples or pinks and be who I am and yet let them be who they are. Because in the past. I thought of myself as a christian and I identified with christians. Everybody else were sinners going to hell. I mean how bad is that!!! I realize this is something I am growing out of and 40 years of doing things and seeing things a certain way takes time to adapt out of. Not fully there yet. So I shouldn’t be so surprised when someone doesn’t get me either especially right now.

It isn’t really something you can be taught. Spirit seems to transcend understanding. Spirit encompasses all. Doesn’t have borders. It cannot easily be labelled yet you can see it and you are moved by it and empowered by it. It isn’t about rules and regulations. I don’t think it can be easily explained either. But you know it is within you and every living creature has a spirit or life force in them.

People talk about reading bibles, praying, doing this or that. Speaking this way or that. Not bad things but it seems anti what is a general life force in all. But as an artist I have learned ‘one word’ can speak so many things to me. It is like I have learned scriptures since I was a baby. They are deeply ingrained in me so I suppose there is good in learning what the bible says. And I live by words I have learned from the bible. I have followed them, learned them off by heart and they truly have given me light, comfort, strength, guidance, yes life etc. I have known of God through them.. What Jesus has done. They were passed on to us as Gods speaking through man to help us. But man can also be imperfect so I sometimes learn to see through the Spirit at what is behind the words and it can change the whole perception.Jesus was the word.. 🙂

I do believe there is much much much more to it all then first meets the eye. Spirit opens up the word to you in ways that transcend human understanding!!

But looking at rainbows, doing art, talking to God in my room in tears and joy and every other emotion I have learned much about HIM too. HE transcends the book about HIM .. I am not throwing away my bible lol.. I just embrace life and spirit and I am so thankful for what HE has done. Giving us life, a beautiful world, words to help us live.. HIMSELF always with us. So much good in the bible. I think though I won’t just speak bible but let it speak through me in my own words and with my own colors. Let HIM speak to me through it and other ways too. It all fits together anyway and it makes sense the more you know the truth and more sense than ever before.

I actually got up, closed the lap top and thought this writing was rubbish at one point today. But I will persist with it because its how I am and where I am. Learning and growing and contemplating GODS Spirit with me and what it all means to me living in this world. I don’t feel right often saying how I feel re people’s opinions especially if I am different to them but I feel just as wrong saying nothing and not acknowledging them.. Everyone deserves to be acknowledged.

I used to say how I feel to people but I don’t know it doesn’t feel good anymore and I think my struggles haven’t helped people only pushed them away and I never meant to do that. I want to be heard and respected for who I am and I want to hear you and respect you too.. So this blog is my way to get it out of me what I believe and feel and struggle with and what I am coming to know and embrace.

I cannot seem to easily express how I feel without coming across wrong. People have deleted me even family and it hurts my heart. It has been hard being different, not easy stepping away from all I once understood and I am coming to terms with what my place is in the world. It can be extremely lonely and I have had to create a type of distance to let my heart be renewed because if I did go back to that old life I have changed and as Jesus Himself said you cannot put new into old. Doesn’t work the same anymore.

I don’t see that God will contradict himself. He doesn’t change unlike us. I just think we might have got it wrong some where and maybe lots of some wheres and it maybe even just a little here and there but like chinese whispers if you don’t hear the message right as it passed from one to another the whole message is completely changed from the original and the more it is passed alone the more different it gets. I think the whole truth is much more wonderful and much more inclusive then we ever thought possible and if we did know even a little more then we do now and then a little more and a little more again etc of the purity of the truth.. it would continue to draw us all closer together as mankind not separate us.

— Portal — 

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Art is a window to the Infinite, an opening to the spiritual world, a portal through which I travel along with anyone else who views my art. With the help of many other artists, I’m encouraged to discover depths and heights of soul undreamed of by the unawakened world. Art opens the eye of the spirit, transporting me away from the ordinary and every day world where I struggle and can’t quite communicate like everyone else. It’s where I’m freed and brought alive where the sublime reaches to me and I reach to Him being transformed, transfigured in the process.

— SMP — 

This writing is an adaptation in my own words from a quote by Ken Wilber

Find original quote here..  


Elizabeth Gilbert’s Creativity Workshop

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These are prompts from the the course in title I am currently doing. I seriously need prompts to get writing on the page.. The course is through Udemy online and it has captions for deaf. It was on sale over New Year. I probably shouldn’t have bought it because I have been short on cash but the sale was that good… Learning a lot through it. Like the extra prompts and resources available along with her video teachings.

What was the last think you really wondered about?

How people stay motivated and how they know what they want to do, where they spend their time and what direction to go next..
I go from here to there searching, drooling, wondering, awwing, wishing, wanting, ahhing.. Wishfully hungry for something more but never really knowing what so I sit empty minded or busy myself collecting beautiful and creative things. I do sit a lot. Not trying. Not enjoying. Just passing time and getting more annoyed with myself even though I have plenty of things I could be doing.
I do lap up art styles, free resources, people’s stories, free art videos, book after book both paper and ebook… I longingly look at people’s art, watch documentary style program’s of people telling their stories. I collect words, pictures, quotes, photos of inspiring things. I do courses when I can afford them. I love sharing my art. I like that people take note and it encourages them in their life too. I am loving that people are saying I am getting better at what I do.. The biggest wonder is. Ok I have done this poetry class, I have watched this art lesson, I have read this book etc. Now I wonder what I do with all I have learnt. Where should I spend my time and on what? I usually cannot think of a single thing and just sit with my wondering. But there are moments where it finds it way out of me into another place.

When was the last time you experienced creative flow?

Yesterday. I was busy for hours. I knew what I wanted to do. So different to my normal blocked and stagnant non-flow. I was actually sitting in someone else’s home they were watching a movie and I was just playing on my phone. Kinda just passing time and thinking about a person and a problem with that person and I thought what is the answer? I thought I could art journal my feelings instead. Than like a bolt of lightning hit I just wanted to get home and do it. There was a purposeful directive in my heart and like a pull on me to get to it.

I felt immensely happy when I got home and started. A bubbling up kind of joy. I didn’t really know how to express it though. Cause my main art expression outlet is collage. I just pulled out magazines, I have a stack in my bedroom ready to go. And started looking through them. Finding images, words etc that spoke to me. Or conveyed what I was feeling inside that for the most part is almost impossible to put into words. I was amazed how it came about actually. How I found words, images etc and that my mind was able to string them together and produce something.
Especially since for so much of my current life my brain is empty. Time passes like you wouldn’t believe. My mind is working and I am placing images and words here and there till I know it is done. For something that seems so easy it takes a fair amount of thought, arranging, changing things around on the page. It is incredibly spiritual for me. I can see other images and whole new pages can sorta pass through my mind. I see an image and I can imagine scenarios for it but put it aside for now because its not what I am wanting at this current time.
I actually came up with three pages in this flow. I was tired at the end lol. But I have collected images and words for years now so I have an abundant supply to work with for the next time and the time after that and the time after that etc. The thing about collage is the thought process and spiritual aspect of your work there is no end to it. It’s endless and I have not grown tired of it. Each finished page continues to speak to me no matter how many times I look at it. I have so many books full of my journalling and I can see my growth and development in putting the pages together. GOD speaks to me through this process so its very personal, very meaningful and doing my work lifts me out of the every day and it is very fulfilling.

That GOD’s Spirit is involved you cannot get better than that. I think actually though it is getting better. I am more able to put my heart and soul into it. I am more in tune with GODS Spirit and sensing HIM. I am starting to see more how my whole life and the world around me fits.. This flow isn’t just me there is a commonality with mankind around me. Spirit is not contained to time, geography or one type of people. There is a common ground if you can even label it that way in spiritual matters and you can find it in anyone who is a spiritul/soulful person. But it is not something you can easily explain and that is why it is so powerful, unique, beautiful and wonderful that the spirit can flow onto a simple blank page with cut outs, color and a glue stick. I think very very compelling. I see that spirit draws people to my pages.. And although I have called it work. It is play and joy for me and food. It is nourishing my inner woman.