Monthly Archives: August 2015

Too much or too little 

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Have you ever been perceived as “too sensitive,” or as “having too many issues”? Have you perceived others as such? Recall and explain…


Ah yes. Drama queen. Called Bi-polar even though I’ve never been diagnosed with it. Too soft. Too emotional. Transparent. Too open. Heart on the sleeve..

All these I’ve been called. Never do I say that about others though because I long to know I’m not the only one and I welcome anyone who is the same. There just isn’t many of us at least in my circles.

Just about everything I write is deep and meaningful. I mean I have embarrassed myself many times because I just burst inside to share and than have said it and more on social media publicly. 

You know I’m not the same as I once was. Which is good in a way but also bad. Because in recent times when I want to be that same person again and bring up the stuff inside that has been building up and for so long. It has not been easy to get it out of me. I tend to just talk it out to myself. That’s a sign of craziness!

You get shut down enough times and lose people to talk too and pretty soon the ability to stay vulnerable and open is much harder and I’ve found it almost impossible to fight against the ‘why am I doing it in the first place?’.

I’m a believer in God which is one reason I share because I couldn’t do this without HIM but there has been plenty of reasons for me to give this faith up altogether because it’s been so hard except I’m bloody stubborn and set in my ways. I do believe HE uses all this but I do question it.. All the troubles and trials have done a good job to shut me down for the most part.

This vulnerability thing has been my lot in life for 1/2 of it and I’ve found it easy to do.. But it has not been happening like it used too. There is just so many around me who don’t say much personally at all. If I do share openly I stick out like a sore thumb. Called crazy. Mentally ill or careless and people can close up to you all the more. It’s just not discussed. 

I’ve been blank and stuck it has felt like for years. And I just don’t have enough support around me and poor social skills. I don’t have the encouragement. I don’t have a wealth of life experiences to delve into. I have felt I’ve got nothing to give. Basically been reclusive and house bound for years. There are a handful of people who’ve been available. I also dropped out of the religious circle and that pretty well closes the door to all of those people who you once freely met with. They just don’t acknowledge you like they used too and if you say your struggling they say you don’t have any faith? Line in the sand kind of thing. Their side and the side your now on?  I have to say when life gets impossible that it is than faith is all you do have! Not relying on people or the infrastructure people call “faith”. It’s for me the real deal! 

There is a lot of other lacks in my life. Lack of people. Lack of going anywhere and rubbing shoulders with anyone. I’m almost deaf so it’s lack of hearing too and the contact I have with the outside world is much less than it has ever been before. Lack of confidence. Nothing can come from nothing. I’ve been really low. So I KNOW I’m not running on anything human. 

Social media has been a salvation of sorts because you are basically free to say what you want. Truly has been a life line. Many times I haven’t had any other choice. You pray and speak to God unseen or the unseen and un-commenting masses on social media.

And when I first started the social media journey I added a lot of people. Unlike many who have periodical friend clean outs I still have a lot of contacts just not close ones. 

Not one person comes to me physically. But in this I have 100% freedom to do whatever I like when I’m not raising kids and keeping house. 

Internet is the means to share openly 24/7 online and I’m connected to hundreds and they are connected to hundreds and it just keeps going. You can meet people all over the world and that is powerful if you think about it. But if no one seems to notice you and your confidence is low it’s a pretty big door slamming in your face on a mega scale of doors slamming in your face. Silence via lack of comments is brutal.

Isn’t this amazing though I’ve started talking about being too much which I have been and while I’ve addressed it and shared about how my life has been I’ve gone completely the other way!!!

I don’t know what to say except that the inside me can still be too much. I know when I do get rare moments when someone listens to me and I get the chance to open up it can just all pour out. My kids are like mum please!!!!

This current writing e-course I’m doing “30 days to Write Yourself Alive” has meant so much to me re-sharing like this and I have valued the release it is bringing me and the chance to be vulnerable, honest, open and free. I am channelling all that’s inside me and all that is unsaid into it. 

I am still the same person I always was. I do need to speak. I need to laugh and cry and tell it like it is. I am an emotional being. I need to talk somewhere it’s just instead of human people listening it’s whomever reads this. It’s here and it’s now!

I love internet and blogging and if you make a free blog your writing is out there and stays there. I’ve found old sites and posts still out there on the web from years past.

My heart. My words. My thoughts. It can keep being read and by anyone who finds it. So for all that I am and all that I am not —- this is me!!!!

My too much IS here and now! Super amazing that I am STILL GOING!

  
 

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Where The Writing Prompts Lead me..

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What is one thing /aspect /person you are still holding on to, that directly or indirectly interferes with your ability to create more and better?
What vampires (things, people, situations) empty you and leave your heart in red numbers?

What drains me are people who don’t give me a chance to be myself and don’t talk about themselves. It’s not very personal or meaningful. They don’t ask me how I am or tell me how they are. It’s like they skip over everything that really matters about the every day and we end up chit-chatting. I am all for small talk too but without going deeper nothing worthwhile is ever going to result or change from it!!

Without acknowledging the every day ups and downs and the highs and lows you can’t really connect meaningfully. We all walk the same earth and breathe the same air so why can’t we talk about it all?
Strange thing is that as I write this I see myself in a whole new light. I have always thought I was stuck. I was the alien and I was the weird one.

But the thing is I am not stuck! I am not staying the same way or purposefully avoiding how I really feel. I am evolving. I am attempting to grow and develop stretching forth my wings. I am actually going forward with every word I type (today, even now) I’m deepening in my approach to life and facing it full on. Trying hard not to be the same as I used to be or even was yesterday. .

For myself it is a spiritual journey and a personal and very intimate one. I may not traverse and travel the earth’s surface in a physical way but I am digging into my emotions, my soul and my creative spirit right where I am which I believe GOD has created in his own image and this is truly the most ‘real’ I can ever be. I believe we are all spiritual beings so for me its doing it all from the inside to the outside AND I am beginning to fearlessly explore and express that.

Not in a religious way that restricts and turns people away but in a spiritual way that invites and celebrates with all humanity. A way only those around me who are living from their spirits can truly value. Aren’t we all living this life? I say a very defiant NO!!!!! So many are like a shell of themselves. Fueled by belief systems and other peoples ideas that deny that they themselves can think and decide and be fully the exceptional people that they already are. Individuals first not just one of a boring same speaking and acting corporation.

We have these belief systems so firmly entrenched that somehow we must become something we are actually not and can never be. Conforming to perfection or a holy unreachable standard. Opposed to unique, glorious and imperfectly perfect.
People speak in a dialog that is filled with words that are not their own. Minds tightly shut up and will not accept the truth that we are all designed unique to be unique. We are souls and spirits and people in different colored human skin. We all cry, laugh and love but to do so without owning our choice is killing untapped potential and we are capable of so much more than we can even dream about. We are born and we die but we must live in the in-between and transcend our own personal limitations!! Enjoy our span of years but it seems there is this and that to do and people get lost in the boxes and labels we assign to society and religion and we just see the shell of a person staying small and scared to be different and trying to stamp out anything or anyone who is not like us. Tis very sad. It is how I once was..

You do not need to be like everyone else and keep things locked up inside. You can be whole and dynamic and deep and beautiful in your own way and it brings forth a brighter shinier life that’s new and exciting and authentic for everyone and not just a select few.
Getting back to the gist of this writing. I truly believe that anyone who I meet or am around who can’t or don’t or won’t embrace life in fullest measure I struggle to mesh with. They make me feel like a child in the middle of group of bullies. With their similarities and hang ups and dislike of anyone who is different I feel rejected on all sides. Never wanting to know the real me but always pointing out my faults and judging me on how I am not fitting in. They shut me out and drain me with their standards and make me feel like I am unworthy.
Why on earth would I ever want to be a part of that and because I tried for so long to fit in I almost lost myself completely and the ability to be the unique creation that I am.
It’s these very same people who have propelled me to rebel and become myself in fullest flavor and form. Yes it might be a slower journey and one that skirts the edges and even a solitary one at times but it’s one I walk forward throwing off restraints instead of being tied down.
Putting aside uniformity and stagnancy and walking taller with earnestness to find all that I can be and become the fullest ‘I am’ that the world will ever see.

I thank GOD for freedom, choice to be wholly ourselves and especially for the beautiful people who I meet along this journey who are deliciously alive with exotic rawness fully exposed and invite me to do the same!
  

Perfect Writing Day

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I downloaded a 30 day trial for Scrivener to help with my writing experience and I love it!! I will probably end up buying it I think, if its not too expensive as it seems easier than writing in Microsoft word!! It feels so good to be writing daily and much easier on my lap top than iPad. Not thinking too much about it. Just letting it flow where it will. So much amazing talent in our private group. Some wonderful feedback too coming through on what I share which really helps.

I am keeping it more private because I have opened up more than normal. We have a group website where we download each days prompts etc and private face book group where some meet and share our work. Sharing and talking about the journey in both places.
So although there are around 1,000 people taking part. Apart from a few I am getting to know by name no one really knows me personally so I can write more openly and share more freely. This writing below is totally made up. But it is interesting that I haven’t strayed away from writing as a mother with kids. It’s easier I suppose to write about what I know. The prompts are definitely pushing my boundaries but in this I have not gone out of my comfort zone but I am trying to be more descriptive. I think the main thing for me is just keeping at it. I am about 5 days behind as with a family etc some days I just don’t have the momentum to write at all. To keep working at this is what I need more than anything no matter the content or that its written perfectly. To get into a habit of writing daily no matter what so that I’m getting used to expressing myself and finding a more natural flow. I have spoken about being stuck in the past so to be freely writing at all is a very good thing. Thankfully I am not having much trouble once I begin although straight writing is easier than condensing it as in poetry form. It’s making the time and sticking to it. I have struggled with comparison and also looking for feedback but here you can read I have just followed my heart and done it and I can truly say I am happy just having done it. The less I worry about the content and write more as I am led instead of writing to be seen it seems to catch someones eye.. Quite the opposite of what you think will happen.. 🙂

Day 14 ~ Describe a day or a morning in your ideal life as a writer or overall creator. If you could live the Writer’s Life you imagine, what would this life look like? Go into detail as if it was a page in a novel.

I rub my hands together with glee as I wait for the kettle to boil. I pick out my favorite mug from its hiding place (the kids won’t break this one) and pour into it the purest of sunshine that perks my day no matter what time it is. A rich steaming cup of freshly made coffee is my preferred brew!

My creative heart racing already as I slowly climb the stairs and escape the night time sounds of a family unwinding before bedtime. I find my quiet place that I wish I could escape too more often. Life gets busy though. Taking care of a household is hard work. Once most of my responsibilities are put behind me for the day I crave some ‘me time’. I head here always with my coffee and even if I come with a worn out body its with a much lighter spirit. The kids know not to disturb me for a few precious hours. Thankfully the kids are old enough to amuse themselves and eat a simple meal in peace while I slip away.

A wide spacious desk with things neatly in place awaits. How this does a body good. When the night time dishes are still to be done and clutter seems to have mockingly spread throughout the house no matter how good you are at staying on top of it.
The organization of this space pulls my soul free. Nothing to distract me and totally able to embrace the time to just sit and create or write and unwind.

I pull the curtains apart wider with more zest than I possess and pry open the big heavy window.. eyes already alive to the scenery that awaits to stir my soul. Mountain top view thankfully has not disappeared into darkness and still exists as a feast for my eyes. The night air though cool is tantalizingly refreshing as the sun slowly sinks on another day.
A light breeze brings in the damp freshness of the outdoors. I breathe deeply the eucalyptus scent of the huge white gummed tree which stands sentinel outside my window..
All the clutter in my head from the day starts to dissipate into a welcome and peaceful silence.
I stand memorized looking out wards to the treetops and I can see the mists lightly rising in the valley. I hear a kookaburra laughing some distance away. As if he knows the freedom and wonder of this moment too. I can see faintly far off a few kangaroos grazing. I know this is their favorite time of night. A time when they feel safe enough to come out as the daylight recedes.

I sink down into my straight backed chair and let the thoughts of my heart roam free. I pull towards myself a bulging leather bound journal which is sitting waiting for me and as I open it up it releases its contents falling opened to a new blank page. This book is like an old friend and holds my most inner thoughts and secrets. I smile as I think over all the adventures of the day which has just passed. The book is a healing place a place to unfold my sacred unseen self and my heart is pressed slowly and delicately into these pages. It calls to me again to bring forth from the depths the jewels of value no one else in this house sees.

I pick up my pen and breathe deeply. My pen poised as my mind decides what thoughts to turn into ink tonight. Ever so slowly my pen begins to write and flow onto the page and I am able to release hidden emotions, hopes, frustrations and dreams that get pushed aside and forgotten with the stress of every day chaos…

This is my wonderland. Thankfully tonight there are no disruptions… The only move I make is to head downstairs and make another cup of coffee. No one sees me and silently I am elated to return again till the lateness of day makes it impossible to comfortably stay.

I can re-enter the kitchen two hours later and humbly take on a mother’s load again feeling human once more. As I clean up and hum quietly to myself. My mind is already filing away words and thoughts for my next nightly escape. Not even two seconds later a voice pierces the air seeking me out. They’ve remembered I exist!

Bad to Good. Darkness to Light.

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What are some of your most recent encounters with your shadow, your dark side, the monsters in your closet or your “demons”? How do you deal with the negative, darker aspects of your personality?

This is my darkness and shadow-land. It is bad.

A familiar demon named Failure keeps close saying that I am worthless.
She always reminds me of the past and how others have treated me.
As if every bad thing that has ever happened is a reinforcement of what she says.
She smirks that this is the reason why I am alone so much and appear ineffective.
Her one desire is to keep me totally overwhelmed by my inadequacies.
Whispering that nobody wants to hear what I have to say.
My art in any form is childish and petty and moves no-one.
That people can’t and won’t see my strength and fighting spirit.
The lack of interest in my person seems to agree with her.
Little support keeps her cackling away and me feeling weakened every day that passes.
I foolishly listen and let it sink into the core of me.
The result.
I stop speaking. I stop writing. I stop creating. I just stop.
She is never happy unless she siphons it all. Every last drop of me from this world.

“Your contributions won’t make any difference..” she screeches.
“See how you are becoming less and less my dear.”
She is a constant noise in my head and her goal is to shame me into shutting the door to my heart up tight.
I only wish people didn’t pay her heed.
She is busy not only with me and I fear people believe her lies.
So that the louder she cries the more drained I feel.
But yet here I sit. In my bed. Typing about her. I laugh because she has inadvertently given me something to say.
Even if this is all it is. A simple telling of my battles with her. In the telling I always feel empowered. Maybe others will recognize her in their lives too?

Than there is Comparison. If Failure isn’t bad enough than Comparison can sidle alongside and drain any last dregs of hope.
“You can’t possibly be noticed creatively till you do what this person does.
Look at her or him. See the responses they are getting!! Now compare yourself. Go on.
Hey Failure get a load of this. She’s got nothing. Hardly anyone noticed today.. Ha ha ha ha.
She’s got a friend in you. They don’t notice because there’s no comparison..”
And they totally crack up.
They are well acquainted with my weaknesses. Together they are anyone’s worst nightmare.
All I can see is the lack of interest and their laughter gets louder and I cry and the tears just don’t want to stop.

I search high and low and far and wide and I think I need more of this or I need to do that and spend another dollar here and buy this there. Do another course. Read another book.

Simply distractions that’s all it is. To stop me from doing what I am created to do.

What I want to do. What I burn inside to to. What I love to do. What keeps me alive.

When I do not communicate in some way or express myself in some form it truly drains the very life force from me and I have literally little desire to live.
Anyone that speaks or produces something does so to get feedback; always more than just for themselves and to be acknowledged. I am no different. This is just my way to speak and I do so to be heard. Maybe the failure isn’t all to do with me?
In this they are right though. I am a failure if I do not try. One cannot be enough and will not make a difference if they do not try at all.

The next day it is the same and the day after that and so forth. I can see why people are not moved towards me if I am losing the ability to confidently speak and be present.

When one says little how can many know of the extent of it? Why would they notice?
I just slowly fade from sight and mind altogether.
What comes from the heart goes to the heart – Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
So I say what doesn’t come from the heart can’t go to the heart either.

Failure says I have nothing worth saying. So I hold back.
Says that I am a freak.
Leaves me empty and dissatisfied because I listen.
Her taunting voice says “No one is seeking you out.”
I can see there is truth in this and there is no one to refute her.

I think.. why am I so sad? Despite this lack of response.
It is a joy when I put myself out in the world the way that I do.
It excites me. I am moved in spirit. I am fully alive.
A heart must do what a heart must do.
What is a result? Just a by-product that is all.
The essence is always what is most important.
Even though this is the way it is. I can still use this. Fight back.
I have reason. I have an outlet. It keeps me going.
So I must write. I must express myself. This is a driving need. More than just a passing whim or desire. This is the way I function. This is my life. My soul. My way of being.
I have time. Lots of time. Little distraction.

Bonus. No demon in hell can stop my light shining. Darkness cannot put out a light.
Only when a light goes out completely it is dark. I cannot help smiling that the darker it is the more powerfully even the smallest light shines out.

Than Failure reminds me of all the relationships fallen by the way side.
All the people who keep their distance.
“If they have given up on you why are you bothering at all?”
“Who is going to see your light if people’s backs are turned away from you?”
“What point is a single light in darkness if it doesn’t attract attention and people obviously don’t get you?”
Rejection is another demon which screams very loud.
He dictates to me that a lack of people and better still people turning away means they are anti-me. He points out that I turn people away from me with what I say.
I am at a loss for a defense. Anything left inside and any inspiration I could conjure just drains away in defeat.
So he stays and loneliness and isolation crowds me in and I feel rejection day and night, night and day. I feel totally alienated. Alone. Unproductive and miserable.

Its not that I can’t be happy alone. I can. It’s just that I feel there is nothing worthwhile to fill up the hours and I waste it away. Enjoyment eluding me.
Quickly I get lost in thoughts of what others must think and what they say behind closed doors.
As if I can read their thoughts. I cannot though.
It is always hearsay.
Comparison always reminds me of what others have done and are doing and what they have said.
That I do not measure up. That I never will.
Keeping me sad because it appears that I should not even enjoy my own company.

Stagnant and appearing blocked. I waste time regretfully.
This stealing of precious time like sand falling through an hour glass.
I am painfully aware of every grain that falls.
Time ticks away.. Tick tick tick..
I mourn the time that has passed and yet still more passes.
Endless repetitive wasteful cycle.

Why do I keep trying I ask myself.
Failure answers “It’s not worth it you will fail.”
Comparison answers “Don’t even try.”
Rejection says “No one will notice.”
No no I shake my head.
Not true. I will fight.
None of you are ever happy. Ever.
No matter what I do or don’t do.
I know for a fact that doing something no matter how small is good.
Shut up!!!
I am enough. Lack doesn’t mean I have nothing.
I have myself.
Just because I am a loner doesn’t mean everything is wrong. It just means it’s the way I am.
I am writing this. I’m telling the world I’ve had enough of your lies.
I am being brave. Every word is saying something.
The truth is being told and it sets me free and I find my peace.
Every word that I type is a cry of my heart but it brings joy to release it.
That it IS released out of me, that I am honest.
Than I am free.
I defy darkness every time I leave a part of myself some place!
I am going to keep persisting.
This is how I do it.

I rely not only on myself.
See.. like you are here and I am here.. so is another.
The greatest essence the world will ever know.
I am never alone.
HE is with me.
I rely on HIS power which is greater than I and greater than any demon.
One who stays with me without judgment despite the worst of my faults.
Who has set the highest standard that could ever be set and obliterated any need to reach it again.
One that has told me how demons are beaten.
Who always listens.
HE has shown me that HE has opened the way to fullest life.
HE trades HIS strength for my weakness.
In fact the weaker I am the more HIS strength shows up!
No matter that demons and darkness rage against me the way that they do. Or that anyone applauds my efforts.
Because of HIM I overcome. HE is my enough.
HE is my way through…
Freely I live and bring forth from my inner most being even the little that I produce.
He promises that ALL of it. All of what I speak of above will work together for good.
I choose to do this than. Tell it.
This is my spirit and light shining. And it is good.

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Worlds End

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DAY 4 – DAILY PROMPT

Imagine the world is ending in 24 hours. Write the way it will end and how you would fill the hours.
It’s funny the timing of when this prompt comes up. I was woken early this morning because I dreamed a number of bombs were dropped in the distance. These bombs were enough to wipe out half an entire capital city. They would have killed countless people and obliterated everything that was within close range and than there was the fall out in huge black and grey billowing clouds that soon filled the sky in every direction.. It was a horrifically real nightmare because it happened in my line of view and it seemed so real and was terrifying to behold. I woke up disturbed in my spirit and didn’t return to sleep afterwards.

——

My dreams last night heralded the end of the world. I woke up drenched in sweat because I’d tossed and turned in the unfurling of it. I saw things that should have stopped my heart cold. Forces unleashed in the earth that will quickly decimate every living and breathing thing.

Unfortunately every dream I have comes true. When people die in my dreams they die on the earth not long after. I don’t have the power to save and prevent them dying but I can warn them. Accidents happen in my dreams and again and again some time in the future after awakening it happens exactly the way I see it and in some cases people have lived and escaped harm but most times death and injury still strikes. So I have no doubt in this premonition. Only thing being it’s going to be tomorrow. 24 hours till the end of the world. My heart is filled with dreadful thoughts and it feels like stone but it still beats and I have the most important task before me any man or woman has ever faced..

I need to warn the world. Even with my gifts and success rate as a faithful true witness of dreams and visions many still don’t believe and scoff me daily. I have had death threats and my online website has been targeted by hate and hacked more times than I can count. This will work against me as if I’ve totally lost the plot but I will do all in my human power to get the message out. I have a network of people around me that will swing into action. It will be a uniting of mankind such as the world has never seen before and the world as we know it will never see again.

I have a powerful internet presence and am connected to people who are connected to people and so on.. In a very short time I will write the hardest message I will ever relay and have it posted and reposted till it brings the world to its knees. Hard yes because there is so little time and I’ve seen what is coming but the only reason I would want to do this and could do this is because the world can overcome it and that’s the only thing that enables me onwards.

For some this will cause panic and pandemonium and maybe release growing hatred and mean unprecedented blood shed and for that reason it breaks my heart. Many terrorist groups may see it as the final sign to unleash untold weapon stockpiles. I can’t stop to think of it because the clock is ticking down and many will not act with force but in love and compassion.

First as quickly as possible, though maybe selfishly, I will contact my own family and close network of friends. There will be no time to speak to those farther afield but all those reachable by technology will still be able to see my video warnings. The ones closest to me I have had much time already to talk to them and hug them in person and tell them I will see them later. Its not imperative to comfort and be in their immediate company not that I don’t want too. Which I will explain shortly.

We must now be the ones to give out our intimate knowledge of what’s to come, to bring forth smooth transition for all those who are already prepared. A way has already been opened for salvation. Anyone who has an awareness of things set in motion before time began, this will be the busiest 24 hours of our lives. We won’t have time to think of our own personal safety but that people are not alone and dying without hope.

Our years of training, trusting and internal knowing will come alive and will activate a chain reaction that when acted upon brings peace and strength across the world like a comforting blanket. 

Like a stone thrown in water sends out ripples so will networks of people already in place light up the darkest day on earth to be one of looking inwards and upwards. When the world holds hands across the planet. For many it will be a day of celebrations no longer slaves to fear, old age, disability, poverty, illness, racial tensions, wars and hopelessness. The kingdom of love, peace and joy and equality for all is on the horizon growing in anticipation and measure!

It will be the right time and quickly establish a motion of spreading the message that will be sent, carried, spoken and translated into every language and dialect, passed on to every continent and tis our prayer every man, woman and child. Our utmost desire is that as many people as possible are contacted. We won’t be spared death or for many final sufferings in this day but we know its exact end and we will be given comfort that a new heaven and earth await. Yes I’m a believer in God and the afterlife. So this foreknowledge of things to come has been my earthly gift to pass on to the world that we do not need to die in vain but we will rise again in triumph. I know all those who will only believe will have soaring faith of a better tomorrow so if I don’t see them today. There’s always tomorrow!!!!! The countdown begins…. 

  

Unashamedly Me

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Write a letter to the person you think you should have been by now. Explain to them why you aren’t them and offer them proof that who you are is better.

Sharon, 

Would the world be robbed of you if you were less a person? If you chose to hide and retreat and explain yourself publicly even if no one else does? Surely that would make you stand out wouldn’t it? 

You see you loom over me. You make me feel less and unimportant and not even worth thinking about. 

Highly organised person that you are. You shirk not your responsibilities. Your always on time and never miss a birthday. I mean heavens the church building gets your utmost attention and the people there work side by side of you and your always accepted and returning to opened arms. You are utterly kind and compassionate to everyone and they treat you with the respect your presence deserves. Your everywhere and highly social. You’re well recognised and everybody visits you and your always out and about beloved by everyone you meet.

You’ve coped with loss and grief by becoming an upstanding member of your community. You have the right words for everyone. You have the tidiest house and never miss an opportunity to stand forward and give your opinion. You’ve handled your disability in a mighty way. I mean everyone has learned the best way to communicate with you and give you the encouragement you need to be the best version of yourself. Your efforts are highly regarded and your presence is sought. How could I compete with you? You hold your tongue if you’ve been mistreated and yet can say things without offending anyone. Even shake your enemies hands and look them in the eye if you had any. You live above it like it doesn’t even affect you. And if it does you gracefully conceal and lovingly and neatly sort through it. I fail to meet that standard. 

I can’t be you. I can’t. Things hurt and I cry. I cry a lot because a lot of things hurt. I have to express how I feel and not keep it bottled up. Yes I stay away from most people but I do so because I can’t contribute in a way I feel on an even par with everyone else. As I don’t have many to tell it comes out where people are and where it works best for me. Where I can communicate what I want and need to say. That doesn’t always come out cute and cuddly. I step on people’s toes in physical and online. I am disastrous at fitting into schedules because I just want to live without high standards I can’t reach and be unashamedly myself. My flaws show. I stay away from where I don’t feel I fit in or belong. If I’m not comfortable I say no or I back away. I will tell you in the only way I can cause I’d die without expressing myself. But I haven’t died or disappeared. I just operate on a different wave length but it’s not a wavelength that you can’t use.

Am I better for it? Yes! I’m free and what I do and how I live is different to most others so I can say something not many others can say. Not on any measurable human standard is how I’d compare myself to you and I don’t want to be compared. Ugh.. I’ve had enough of that. No more comparisons they are shit. Crap. Poo. They rob and push away valuable souls into the shadows those who struggle to say things or feel things or be like you. Not everyone can be you or want to be you. 

But they still matter. They always matter and they catch my attention more than any other. They might be messy, loud, failures in your eyes. Have quirks that you might want to keep hidden or private but they are exquisite for their bravery and oh my they do stand out.They don’t deserve to be shut down.. 

They have been shunned and yet they are expected to act and be clean and tidy versions of moral and of social excellence.

They are loveable because their messy attempts are the cry of the soul to belong and be loved, respected and treated just like everyone else. 

Isn’t uniqueness a beautiful form because it means we are not all the same and the ones that appear least to us all have much too teach us. They’ve had to adapt. Find new ways to survive. 

I’m unashamedly real. I can be loyal to the ends of the earth. I can say it and be loud. I can say it long or I can enjoy finding other ways to express it. I won’t judge you. That’s the me I want to be and enjoy being. Full of Spirit and grace!

2 Corinthians 4:7

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
  

30 days Of Writing Myself Alive

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Started a 30 day writing ecourse with Andreà Balt and Tyler Knott Gregson called “Write Yourself Alive”. One of the first days prompts shared below and my attempt at it. 

The hardest thing is reading others writing and eek doing the comparison thing and also wanting it to be good writing, clear, beautiful and touch people. I also want people to read it and give comments but I can’t expect it because so often I get so little coming back. Sigh but I know that’s not a great expectation to have because if I don’t reach whatever standard I think it should be or whatever standard I perceive others writing to my own. Or take lack of comments to mean I’ve failed. I won’t give my all and I will be less able to say what’s on my heart. Every person is different and unique. I’ve got to simply do what this quote below says. 

“The secret of being a writer: not to expect others to value what you’ve done as you value it. Not to expect anyone else to perceive it in the emotions you have invested in it. Once this is understood, “all will be well.”

– Joyce Carol Oates

You know what is going through my mind. Often artists are not recognised in their time. That helps you know. Van Gough wasn’t and he got mightily depressed about his own struggles. But oh my his works are world famous now. 

DAY 1 – DAILY PROMPT: 

Write a short Declaration of Independence from everything you feel is getting in the way of your Creative Revolution. It can be a person, adversary or limiting circumstances, or it can live inside of you: your fear, sense of not-enoughness, perfectionism, lacks and weaknesses. BREAK FREE THROUGH WORDS. 

———–
You can do this. You can. You’ve got today and right now and that’s all you need. No looking back. Heck you’ve got plenty to talk about. Don’t think you’ve got nothing to say any longer. You hold the power my dear simply by turning up in this very moment. Writing even one word. One sentence is bravery and it’s a start to all you’ve been feeling.. All you’ve held inside. Your words are your personal declaration. They hold the key. Don’t think just do it. Don’t be afraid of what comes out. You’ll be ok. Don’t think about the consequences because every word you write will become your freedom. Your fight back and your life flowing. Every word is your struggle unleashed and your pain brought to the light. You’ve been born to do this. To take back your soul from the depths of despair and triumphantly herald a new day and an ever brightening future. To run, skip, dance and leap forward bravely and do that which your spirit has been straining to bring forth. Today is that day. It’s a new day. A new hope stirring inside you. Declare to yourself that you’ll keep returning and let the Spirit in you guide and release your destiny but it’s in your own words and in your own unique style. Nothing will stop you if you let your passion, your truth and the glory and magnificence of your soul fly fully unchecked and defiantly in the face of adversity and nothing my dear will be able to dim that light! 

 

11 of my favourite art pieces

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I’m doing a Mindy Lacefield “Paint Your Story” ecourse and one of the prompts was to pick out a selection of art pieces that speak to me and list the reasons why! 

All of these are pins from my Pinterest boards. @eternal4peace

I found it hard to just pick 11 but I was surprised how it opened me up explaining why I love them. Ok she suggested 5-10 ha ha but when I counted them down I actually had 11 so that’s why the odd number. 

1. 

   
I like this type of art journaling above because it highlights words or quotes. It can use any combination of pictures and make a whole new one. It inspires and makes you look at things differently. Colours, words and how things can tell stories or messages. It can express your heart, thoughts and mind through this medium. Inspires and evokes creativity of your own. The message to me is that our beliefs and how we see our world makes all the difference.

2.

 This one always been a favourite. It’s showing the unseen Jesus Christ close and laughing. Intimate and personal. The child is most likely frustrated or just being herself and Jesus seems to be pleased and delighted in her. Not worried if she is failing or just being herself. If she has worries they aren’t worries to Him and he is ok with her as she is. Just reminds me that we are important. God speaks of not being able to enter the kingdom of heaven unless we become as little children.

 It’s just different kind of “religious” art. Beautiful, honest and encouraging. It speaks of closeness, beauty, self worth and trust.

3.
   

Love it because abstract colours can make you see different images within one piece of art. Could be a pond with flowers or an explosion of colours.. Etc.. Inspiring to look at. Make you feel happy and cheery and bright. The colours and layout can evoke different thoughts on different days.


4.

 
I just love the simplicity. That this picture can tell a story. That I could draw it or my own versions of it myself. It’s uncomplicated, cute and makes me want to value life more. Can I say the figure is beautiful in her own way which I love. I love little birds too. They speak of Gods providence of his care and love for us. 

5.

   

Doves have special significance to me. Holy Spirit. Also a white one appeared near where baby Tyler’s window was at the hospital. It speaks of Gods closeness. Of peace and comfort and protection. The colours the artist has used are warming and gentle.


6.

 
Speaks to me of other worlds. Of letting go. Of the imagination and magical lands. Freedom.
Playfulness. Beauty. Being oneself even if physically alone. Finding joy in the every day by seeing the unseen. Diving into life and finding treasures in the deep. That those who live from their Spirits find oh so much more. Elements of the created world being the beginning to another way of living altogether. 

7.

   



I’m a romantic at heart. Emotional being so I love the expressions on the faces and the tenderness shown in the lovers embracing and the kiss. This is just a small section of a larger picture. I remember the original as being bigger and much more detail. Longer picture of them. I love the details and the colours. It tells a story of passion and desire and tender hearted love. Makes me swoon. Takes my female heart lovely places.

8. 


 

Just pure fun. Evokes me to enjoy life. To see the little things that can make me smile. I value everything better I think. Again it’s simple. Uncomplicated.  My heart loves such. A few words and picture can say so much. I can be happy again by just seeing this. Reminds me of the joy of life and heart felt emotion. To be myself and not be afraid of being honest about what I like or dislike or what makes me me. 
9.

   



Details are important so is being up close and personal. Tunnelling my vision to slow down and take notice. Beauty is in the moment. This artist oh wow. I see divine here. I see essence of presence.. I see strength and grace and mercy. I see that we can be inspired by only a glimpse. Beauty can be found in the black and white too.

10.


I love this because I know the artist online and I’ve seen her growing in strength. Surrender is important but it’s not meaning to die but to come alive. That the figure is looking within. She’s peaceful although the word surrender suggests a struggle or length of time facing difficulties. I can relate to her.

That the only answer I’ve found is within. It’s to me suggesting a spiritual journey of great cost but also of finding strength and resilience. There’s also a hint of sadness about her because battles are hard won but so worth it. The words on her clothing suggest she is baring her soul bravely and it’s important to tell her story.
11.

   

Every day life with a simple tweak that buoys the spirit. Reminds me how easy it is to see or find or add the divine into any moment. It makes you think about the divine in the ordinary. That’s she’s looking up. Realising she’s divine. It’s encouraging.