Category Archives: Writing

Contradiction

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Prompt – 

The Contradictions of my life include..

I had to look up the meaning of contradiction lol. I definitely love the meaning and it really does sum up the continuing story of my life.
Definitions for contradiction
Noun
opposition between two conflicting forces or ideas

One of the major contradictions has been my religion and how I live and express my faith.

If you were to scroll through my face book feed for example you might have a hard time pinning down my exact beliefs. In fact it might not show outwardly that I am much of a Jesus girl at all but anyone who truly knows me knows my heart. I have gone a different path from the outward signs and believe it or not it has not been easy. But I am getting freer.

All my life basically I have spoken, read, acted a certain way. Christian way. It is hard after 40 years to divert I can tell you. I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water at all though it may look like it. This path I have taken has unfortunately appeared to separate me from the main flock though. But like deafness which did the same this experience has changed me and helped me learn much more about God and myself than I knew and thought was possible. I know my boundaries very well but because people and distractions have been minimal Gods presence is more evident to me and I know within myself what is of me and what is not.

A living between worlds you might call it. What I always thought I knew opposed to what I am knowing and learning now because any type of survival living increases your knowledge. Truth is beautiful and it has been a huge step out of my comfort zone. Finding God via HIS Spirit with me in the here and now and that HE is always present and that I don’t need props to experience spiritual life gives me so much space but that has also meant separation from people which has been peculiar I can tell you. Still getting used to that.

The thing is it’s what you find on the edges and beyond that is so fascinating and not at all what you thought it once was. Of course it is hard, very very hard to go against the grain and live differently. The guilt oh my. The disconnection and I am deaf too so I’d honestly say it destroys you and builds you into a whole new person cause it makes for a very hard, dark, cold and lonely world when people turn their backs and nothing remains the same. You either return tail down defeated, shrivel up and die or find a whole new way to live. Spirit and Art has been my way through. I truly meet Gods Spirit in this whole process. Like a steady bubbling river always flowing and the awareness of even the smallest of details around you seem to line up and everything has deeper meaning and purpose but it appears to come at a cost you disappear off the radar. No longer can you live via external appearance and behaviour.  It has to be an inside job.

It forces you to actually think about what you believe and why you believe the way you do every single day. You are not just relying on what you are doing or what you are saying or what you have always done. You are actually thinking and in the moment every moment not just going into auto-pilot. Believe me when you are in midst the majority a lot of it is simply talking, doing and living like everyone else because that’s what you’ve been taught and you don’t realize it but every time someone affirms you who believes the same it keeps you in line. You will want to stay away from anyone outside that and that should be a warning sign because God is everywhere. We are all His children, people just do not know & realise the whole truth.

If everyone else around you is the same. It’s easy/easier to be that way especially if you only associate with similar minded people. Stop in any way doing or being like everyone else or being around people like that and suddenly you are faced with a dilemma you start to be challenged on all sides. I have been careful not to just throw everything away. I especially want to be real not fake. Such as.. if you say I am feeling fine when actually you are not.

I want what I believe to radiate out of me because it’s who I am within my heart rather than outward words or actions. Being deaf has taught me the value of looking into someone’s eyes/face, reading body language, the power of touch and just how an acknowledgment no matter how small when you can understand can change the direction of a day. I don’t want to force what I believe on someone or expect them to do what I do because its right or wrong. I especially love a quote by Rumi.

Out beyond ideas of
wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn’t make any sense.

From Essential Rumi
by Coleman Barks

I want anyone to be truly comfortable being themselves in my presence as I believe God wants us to feel in His presence. Same as in this quote. I think of nature and how we don’t go out into nature and argue with it as to how the trees are planted, how the flowers grow or the sun is shining or not. We just enjoy it for what it is. To show our enjoyment we might take off our shoes and walk in the grass if it’s a nice day. Or we stand somewhere safe and watch the thunder storm or we look in awe at a mountain peak or even climb it. We spend hours walking along a sandy beach with water lapping at our toes. We gaze up in wonder as the stars come out at night. If only we could be in each others presence and just enjoy it the same. Just as we are without trappings, expecting someone to change or trying to find fault.

I feel religion is like a competition and I am always a loser. I know it is supposed to be ALL about God.. But do this or do that or don’t do this or that. Its all comparative. Least on my own with God I can totally be myself. I don’t have to put on airs and graces. He sees and knows all that other crazy stuff anyway and I can just enjoy HIM and HE me and its natural. I speak like myself and I can sing loud or crazy or cry or laugh or moan. I can just thank HIM or pray for people or my world. I also do not feel guilty because I failed in some way or another cause I know HE loves me and HE did it all perfect anyway so I don’t ever have to ever feel a failure so I can drop the ever present need to better myself.. In religious settings you cannot easily be yourself there are trappings and ways to do or not do things.. You can admit sin and all but you have to deny yourself and although I am not against change perse or focusing on God. I think those things will happen and should happen naturally and I think also when you know HIM in a real way and you know HIS love for you.. you just do different when you learn the truth and it goes down into all those difficult hurt places and you do not feel the need to pretend, put on a mask or perform..

Art-wise being spiritually expressive I am not forced, not stunted, I am free, not doing it because everyone else is doing it and I can enjoy it or even when I might be suffering in my soul I don’t know but you are dealing with it in a way that naturally heals and helps you through the release of it where your not being held accountable by people or clergy, shame, fear or judgment and its flowing out freely by choice not because you have too. It is pure Spirit.

I hear God say he is looking for true worshipers who will worship in spirit and truth. Authentically and with a whole heart I can say this is my aim.

It is another world really yet it is found within my skin and flesh. Kingdom of God is within. So why should I be trying so hard on the outside when the most important is all within? 

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Soul Smashing

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Day 21 Soul Smashing.. 30 day Journal Project. Obviously I have not done this in 30 continuous days lol.

“It’s hard to go. It’s scary and lonely… and half the time you’ll be wondering why the hell you’re in Cincinnati or Austin or North Dakota or Mongolia or wherever your melodious little finger-plucking heinie takes you.
There will be boondoggles and discombobulated days, freaked-out nights and metaphorical flat tires.
But it will be soul-smashingly beautiful..
It will open up your life.”

— Cheryl Strayed

Prompt..

It has opened up my life…

Oh absolutely. I mean it gives me a story to tell unlike anyone else’s stories. I am just going to share this little moment I had recently.

I have a heap of books on the go. Don’t look at my Good Reads account and my personal list of books I’ve added there.. lol I have SO MANY books on it that I have started reading and stopped and picked up something else. Oh my. My latest addition is ‘The Artist’s Way’ because a reference to it keeps showing up over and over and I am taking it as a sign. 🙂
In this book it suggests doing morning pages. 3 pages of writing anything at all just to get it on the page and out of you. Apparently this is supposed to help unclog our creative flow. Even if all you can say is ‘I cannot write today I have nothing to say.’ over and over. Getting yourself into a writing ritual and it isn’t meant to be pondered and it’s just for your own eyes.
I have done Morning pages for two days now.

I found myself writing about the difficulties I have had with other people who have gossiped about me and how it has possibly ruined my reputation or clouded people’s opinions of me. I will not quote myself here because it’s personal and I have never learned to write in such a way people cannot see right through me. I am not about ruining anyone else either. Of course I am not 100% about what things these tongues are saying about me. It is just that a lot of people have been indifferent towards me for quite some time and if I put two and two together I suspect that this is what has happened. I have had fall outs with a few people and I have spoken about such here on my blog and on social media. Never to out or gossip about people but to cope with it, survive it. Anyway I was sharing about this today in my Morning Pages and something else completely unrelated came into my path almost immediately after.

It has amazed me and indeed smashes my soul and is perfect for this prompt for Day 21 of 30 days.

I randomly picked up a book of Sonnets by William Shakespeare and was flicking through it. The thought bouncing around inside my head was that possibly reading one sonnet a day could help my creative inspiration or even just that I could see if the book was worth keeping. I have a very bad habit of collecting books and art supplies and ‘gulp’ not always using them. I have been slowly weeding out one thing daily and today I wanted to see if this one was worth keeping for reading, cutting up, or getting rid of. Yes I do cut up good books but most of them I pick up second hand at thrift stores so although it is still strange to cut up books I feel more justified doing so with old/used books.

At first glance I thought why am I bothering with such writing. Old style poetry/sonnets? Kept browsing looking for pics to cut out and keep and I was almost going to just ditch it when I found a sonnet with crow pics that caught my eye. I love crows. I see them all the time when I walk and I don’t know they seem to watch over me almost. Keep me company because they are simply always there.. I identify with them. They are seen as a bad omen by some yet I see great goodness in them. Birds created by God and HE takes care of them. Many scriptures about God caring for birds.

So I gave the sonnet No.70 my undivided attention. I can thank the recent Mental health and literature University course I’ve done for teaching me the value and strength of writing like this. To look deeper into it. Not expecting every word to make sense but to read out loud or ponder it and stay with it’s words and meanings and identify with the heart of the poet/author. I even went on-line to see if I could find the actual poets meaning of it. Lo and behold it echoed much the same as my feelings and thoughts I had written in my Morning pages, of course not in so eloquent of words but woah!!!

Just like that a bridge appears in my life. A bridge that connects me here in the future to the past, via my own frustrations and struggles and links me to what William Shakespeare for his own reasons wrote so very long ago. It is at this point I’m blown away with the unique timing of it’s appearing. The similarity spanning ages and my soul just sighs.

I can’t help acknowledging God immediately. I just sit and let the moment sink in. I just see so clearly as I study the words in the sonnet that the similarities found show something much deeper and far more reaching is at work. I think my jumbled and mis-matched life just makes it that much more of a miracle that this sort of connection happens. It kind of says to me something greater is working in and through us all which does link past, present and future.

I AM going to cut this sonnet out and use it in an art journal page. How mysterious that a sonnet penned so very long ago connects with me in 2017 and so beautifully describes to me similar feelings. It encourages me that all is not lost. Using Crows as well none the less.
Strengthening me that such things said about oneself shall not be to one’s defect! One’s worth shown to be greater simply because tongues have indeed risen against.

Such moments of connection do indeed happen so often in my creative life that I swoon over them and it is why I naturally want to be arty. Heart is overjoyed and my whole outlook is lighter. I feel a huge overriding sense of a past and present oneness of Spirit and at least at this moment can see it all melds together. That no matter what happens and how strange it might seem all peoples’ throughout time have experienced such. Identifying a similarity, a common thread and it comforts me. I am helped by these words in this sonnet which I will copy a pic from the book here below.. It is extraordinary.

I think to myself. For something as powerful as a connection like this to happen in a small tiny random moment in my life. How much more is happening out there to all of us that maybe we are not yet aware of but it IS still out there working beautifully and hopefully my sharing might make someone else notice soul smashing moments too.  Gives one incredible fortitude to think of the similarity of Spirit connecting us all.

 

Courage

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Courage.. I am drawn to explore.. Unknown.
I wrote this out a few days ago, sat down to finish it yesterday and the lap top froze. Lol I took a picture of the screen but only managed to take a pic of half of my writing the rest I lost. So frustrating. One thing after another atm going wrong. My Tv stopped working. My lap top having problems and today I dropped my phone quite hard and now noticed the screen is cracked. I have had phones for years and never cracked my screen. It is very frustrating cause I am not in a great financial situation and when things break it means often I cannot replace. Thankfully my TV is still under warranty. So that will be able to be either fixed or replaced.
I struggle to write on a normal day but make myself persist and then losing it sigh I am tempted to give up this one altogether but will struggle on and get it out. I will also remember to keep hitting save regularly. I don’t think I did actually save the writing. I worked on it through the day and Scrivener just re-opened my writing where I was up too whenever I came back to it? I did not seem to have a backup copy even though the computer remembered each time?
The poem I wrote out on the art journaling picture below was found through the Mental Health and Literature course I am doing online at Future Learn University which is a free course. I will add a link to the poem below for anyone who wishes to read it because my writing in my art is atrocious. I am so loving this course. Has really opened up poetry to me and when I saw and read this poem. Man lol it really just mirrored what I have felt about my path with God. I printed it out and pasted a copy in my diary as well.
I combined it with an angel in my art.. Because I found a box of oracle cards for two dollars in an op shop. I love packs of cards especially the bigger kind I can use them for inspiration cards but this pack has the most beautiful art. I found out about using oracle cards through Leonie Dawson. You shuffle, can pray over them, speak questions you want answered to the universe and choose cards using them to guide your life, day etc. Now I know some Christians would have nothing to do with such. I don’t pick cards to guide me rather say if I picked a card and the current one said ‘Guardian Angel’ I use that as a theme to further explore that topic for my day or days. I look for scriptures, pics etc even do a google search for writings on angels. This writing right now is influenced by the “Guardian Angel” card which is what came up for me. I have been asking God as a result that angels guide me to help me on my journey in life and creatively.
With the oracle cards there is a booklet with a write up for every card. I have a look at it but I pray to God firstly, let the Holy Spirit lead me and also see where my creative spirit takes me. It is amazing how bible verses pop into my head as I put this page and writing together based on today’s prompt (Courage) and the word Angel it’s really a very spiritual time. I am very encouraged through it. I can see it all fits, despite timing, things that go wrong, the way I am lol, the different method I’ve used and it so helps me keep at it, this thing called life. It is quite exciting. Spirit is never contained. It is always timely. Such a freedom  in the way you can express it and enjoy it. I see Spirit embraces & connects all of life and the forms it takes.
I am a simple person but I do need guidance. People confuse me. People have their own agendas. I am different to most. I said to God in prayer recently. I am a square peg I cannot fit in a round hole no matter how much people try to peg me in. I don’t want to either. I trust God. I believe this path has been about learning to trust in the dark when I cannot see the light around me but I think also it has been about forging new paths and seeing the light within me does direct my path.

I have had to stubbornly believe despite my circumstances. It has been imperative to have courage and that has been trying different things and not being afraid when it seems not the way everyone does it.

I remember one elderly aboriginal women Mabel who said something so simple but oh so brilliant. She lived in the aged care facility where we lived many years ago called Guwardi Ngadu; back when I was married and my then husband was manager.

“Many paths, same Naboo.” Mabel said. Naboo was her language for God. Isn’t that amazing and she was so wise.

For almost 40 years I did things only the ‘Christian’ way I was taught and raised in and I truly missed so much. But thankfully God is not ever restricted. He is everywhere. He cannot be boxed in. His Spirit is doing many new things and although it could possibly, like many things I do turn people away, I always filter things through my God lens and look for HIS heart and the Kingdom which is within. 🙂 He is the source of all things to me so I want to see Him in and through everything.

“Now I am revealing new things to you. Things hidden and unknown to you. Created just now, this very moment. Of these things you have heard nothing until now. So that you cannot say, oh yes, I knew this. Isaiah 48:6-7

The scripture I used in my art journal is this.

‘Be strong and let your heart take courage. All you who hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24

Seeing God everywhere, in an through different ways has opened up my world considerably.

Love (III) George Herbert [Poetry Foundation}

Home

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I feel most at home.. Sharing my heart unashamedly and freely. But there is a risk to it. You put yourself out there and you are opening yourself up to be criticized, judged and talked about. Ha ha either become popular or unpopular or completely misunderstood. 

Yesterday I shared my heart on a topic on-line and immediately felt the latter so that I edited it quite a few times then eventually deleted it altogether. I could see it seemed what I wrote was personally aimed but it really wasn’t. I felt I had to change it even though I’d done nothing wrong.  I realise I need to be careful. But sometimes no matter what you say or how you say it someone can take it wrong.. 

So although one needs to be wise when they open up yeah if you did stay safe you may not put anything out there at all. I wonder sometimes why there has seemed such a personal negative splash back on my sharing and simply for being myself? Many people have wished I was quiet. I give sport to others. Why I can still feel afraid saying anything? If you thought about it too much you would stop altogether.

You know what? I’m still saying it 🙂 fearlessly.. Bravely..  be it with a little trepidation. 

 You’d think by sharing your heart you are actually wanting attention but that has never been the case with me. Just how I am made and I don’t have the support system around me to talk about it so I do this instead. I write and express creatively about and from my own personal experience. Perhaps it is why it appears so acutely that others feel it to the extent they think it is about them or their lives? So maybe I should not be afraid of misunderstandings but indeed see that they are showing me there is some recognition to be found in what I write. I have always felt sorta different to most. But if someone is noticing than there must be some kind of similarity at some point. Otherwise I’d be so off base they would either think I was crazy and ignore me altogether or take no notice at all. That they do says something. Though I do not like anyone thinking I’m having a go at them because its definitely not who I am or being made fun of even if it is behind closed doors. You psyche seems to pick up vibes though and you do sense the people who could be doing it. Maybe it is a God thing too?

Home for me is my every day life, being inspired by what surrounds me and by what brings me alive and I love talking about that. Keeps me going. Like right now I want to stop because of the incident yesterday because this writing seems stupid and maybe even pointless.

Home is where my spirit is and where I can be totally myself but should I be? Why am I afraid right here and right now? Why do I want to stop writing? Nobody needs to read it? Why can’t I just enjoy this? What does it matter if someone misunderstands me? I mean it happens to us all doesn’t it? I do not go out of my way to offend anybody. I live from my heart. I don’t know why others cannot see that my heart IS NOT evil. It has almost destroyed me that people thought the worst of me. But sometimes it has been that various people have been jealous and I do not know why? Maybe that I can do this? Talk about myself, feelings, express it openly? I do not know. I am not going to stop though I never have. This is where I live, brought alive through writing, through expressing ups and downs, thoughts, feelings and joys, sadnesses. Sometimes not many notice but that is ok. I enjoy doing it anyway and if you look at my art you can see I am not a perfectionist. I drink my coffee, I get things off my chest. I do some art. I tell my truth. I share my faith. I can even share my insecurities. I have gone through very hard things and thankfully they did not stop me. I have grown here. I have faced it and I have done some healing.

Home is where my heart is and where my heart is expressed I am most happy and free. I always enjoy returning to expressive writing, prompts, arts and journaling. I return to read. Return to open up my heart. Return to share it where I do also connect with others. Return to remember who I am and what matters most. Return to express life where I am always welcome even if it’s a struggle to find the words or stay and battle it out on a page. Even when I feel restricted by things that try so hard to shut me down my every word is determination to overcome my personal demons. Home because God is here and His Spirit meets me here too, no wonder I love it here and indeed I think creativity is my run too place. If the outside world is hard, I’m lonely or feeling restricted in any way. I always have this place to return too.. For me this is Home.

A poem I wrote – Infant loss

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I am currently doing a free 6 week course at Future Learn called Literature and Mental Health via the University of Warwick. Current topic is “Speaking words we can’t find”. Asked to share – Are there any pieces of literature – old or modern, prose or poetry – that speak to you in the way that Katherine Philips’ poem speaks to Paula?

We have  been studying a poem by Katherine Phillips she wrote on the loss of a little baby boy which remarkably was written in the 1600’s.

I have also lost an infant baby boy. So this study is very very close to my heart. I was given a miracle of peace by God when I lost our baby infant back in 1997 which changed my whole life. For some strange reason I was easily able to talk about it too at the time but very few around me were available to me to listen to the extent I needed. So one day I got out my electric typewriter and decided to write about everything. I guess I just imagined I could do that all in one sitting. lol it isn’t possible of course. I eventually wrote 29 chapters.

But it is wonderful the very first thing I wrote was a poem. It was just a small piece of writing to lead into the actual main piece of writing which was the first chapter and so on. It was a miracle I wrote at all because I had three other little children to raise at the time I started and it came remarkably easy and I had never written a book before or since. I will add the link to this blog post to the university comment section to share it with others there but also because it was straight from a grieving mothers heart and I just see that it helped me to get it out, to see it in written form and others have been helped by it too. I have not edited it, it is the exact same form I wrote it. The very first thing I wrote before I typed up what is now the entire story. It doesn’t even have a title it was just the leading paragraph at the very start. To introduce the story. Again it is a miracle also this poem began it all because at that time I HAD never written poetry before either.

I have even kept it in the form first written. because as I have been learning in the course, the written form is also part of how we express our emotions etc.. It is religious in nature because my faith was exactly what was helping me through. All based on a miracle of peace from God through this terrible period when our baby son Tyler was born, became very ill when he was only a few days old and died at 8 weeks old from a heart/lung abnormality.

See in the address up top of this blog.. eternalpeacechild. It is all linked to what I experienced through this loss. My online name is peacechild4.

I have not ever published the book.. I did share the chapters on face book and with family and friends in written form and on a few websites but not as book form or even ebook form. Poem in bold so you know what is the actual poem..

 

I wrote this poem, a mother coming to terms with the death of my child.
I have seen much that I have had no control over. I have suffered the weight of feelings I can’t escape.

What I experienced alongside my child has survived.
So precious that I had to write this down.
Although nothing can take away what has happened.
I know throughout his life there was meaning.

If my son received the inner peace throughout that I have been given through my faith in Jesus Christ.
Then all that I saw, all that my child went through, that has produced my lack of fear to write, brings hope.

I have the calming reason to believe, that from my experience of peace. I am given assurance of how much more Tyler deserved it, and how a loving God would give all the more to him.

In my impression of Tyler’s story I endeavor to share how he received what I now hold onto.

Tyler’s Story never ends.
It just begun in a different place.



Day 13 : Challenge

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Ways I live my life bravely..

I am writing this at a time, day, moment in my life where recent events have come to a head and I need to get it out of me. I don’t know if that could be considered a bravery but perhaps it is when I publicize it? I just cannot function and I know I will and do shut down if I do not do something more with it. I do not want to internalize it. Take the pain within and mull it over or continue to store it inside me. Bravery is facing it or getting it out and especially being honest about it. I want to get over it not keep reliving it and I certainly do want to learn how to cope better and how if anything I can stop it happening.

I do not have many at this stage I can talk about this with personally so yeah tough titties to those who would see me and think — grin and bare it or take it only to God. Cause that ain’t going to happen sorry I already take it to God and I still need to speak of it.

It is brave to speak the truth even if nobody wants to hear it or believe me. It doesn’t make it less true. It just destroys me if I say nothing and I am wiser than that. I won’t stay quietly suffering just because people cannot deal with me speaking about it.

I wish I could just solve it and get over it. I really do wish it. But sometimes when another person is involved and they keep doing the same things to me which hurts me. I cannot just say “I forgive you” and then let them keep doing it to me.. That is insanity. I deal with it and this is my way to do that.

I cannot just let someone treat me wrong because they do not think they are. That they use excuses to justify it or even gloss over it as if the problem is all me. Well hey if I am the problem then taking myself out of the equation is wise isn’t it. Lol yet they expect me to just stand their bleeding and get on with it and just forget it about it because it is in past. I will not especially if the past continues to be right now.

My blood and wounds may be invisible to you. My blood may run freely and still be invisible to you but this is not about you is it. You don’t need to read this. You don’t need to even consider this. I am not doing this to make you understand me or help you in any way. Heck no. I am doing this to survive.

Bravery even if it appears stupidity to you or anyone else is in-sequential. What is important is this is needed for me and I do it for me not you regardless of what you think or how it looks. I think that is strength and bravery right there. Though yes I do it publicly because for so long keeping quiet has made my life harder.

I have been hurt by how someone treats me. Someone that is close in relation to me. Someone who seems not to even know what they are doing even when I tell them and they do not seem to value at all how I feel about it. So all the speaking to them does nothing. At an impasse. This is my way to deal with it so it does not keep me down. I rise through the speaking. I do separate myself as much as I can from it. That brings its own problems but I will not just take blows upon myself because the other person doesn’t understand what it does to me. Maybe they do not understand my separation from them either but at least in the separating myself I am not being landed with blow after blow. That is far worse. Yes a quandary appears. I suppose everyone who only hears the other side would see me as stand offish. Rude. Uncaring. Bitchy. Cruel or even making the other person’s life harder. Again I do not do such to offend, place burdens on them but rather to protect myself from more harm. Often it is done out of sheer survival not to hurt but to help.

This is it then the need to explain myself as well but also because I need to say it somewhere. It helps immensely to validate that it is happening because believe me staying quiet is denial to me and not speaking about it eats me up inside. I am silently destroyed.

I sigh as I write. Why do I do this? Tell my side? To show that I am suffering? Does it matter in the long run? I need to do it. I need to say it somewhere so why not here? That I struggle with a relationship. It is said and I feel heard even as I type the words. I am not afraid to say it. I am not afraid to be honest about it. I do not think I am running the other person down when I talk about how it affects me. That is not my intention. I just thank God for the gift of sharing this way of writing. Of getting it out of me and that it matters to me even if it matters not to another soul.

Detours all arrive back at HIM in us.

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project
Day 9
Detours
“I am no longer afraid of becoming lost, because the journey back always reveals something new, and that is ultimately good for the artist.”
— Billy Joel

Today’s Journal Prompt:
I found my way back by… 



Where I focus my attention but I wouldn’t say back I would say “looking to HIM daily or moment by moment”. Jesus said I am the way.. So… my way is found in and through HIM.. Yet he is unseen and says HE is with me always so how does one find their way? I grew up learning there was a certain way to live and conduct yourself. How believers are supposed to live. But I have chosen to break away from more traditional worship. For me it is MORE these days about Holy Spirit than Jesus though everything is because of HIM.. Worshiping in Spirit and Truth. HE is all and the above anyway. 🙂
HE himself said unless I go away the Holy Spirit cannot come and be with you. Or something like that as I am not quoting scripture word for word here. Spirit has been very different and very much freer and doesn’t seem to be about “box type behavior” but it is about truth and definitely about presence yet not flesh. And also there is this unknown quality about Spirit. Intuition which seems a very un-biblical word..
I feel unafraid at any moment even if I am living a weird sort of life, a different sort of life even from everyone else. That I can feel lost yet HE is there with me and I cannot really be lost if HE is with me. Spiritual things can be hard to explain but more real then the explainable.
Such a strange thing but for the longest time I have wanted, yearned, desired, cried out for in prayer… a soul mate, someone to love and be loved by.. And its funny timing today being Valentine’s Day. But I feel a real peace today. As if that just because I am so aware of GOD with me right where I am. That because I am focusing on HIM and HIM being all and sufficient for anything I could need, want or desire. I just feel it will happen if its supposed to happen and it won’t be because I have done anything or not done anything it will be destiny. Lol such a romantic kind of word.. But when you are aware of Spiritual things you see a flow, a move, a connection to all of life. Even the little trials and tribulations we humans suffer will never be enough to stem that flow. Face to the sun kind of thing. Sun makes the flowers grow and bloom. God does the same to those who acknowledge HIM. Yet Rain falls on the just and unjust so in a way we all benefit despite even those who do not believe in HIM. HE is life, HE is truth and HE is the way. Circle of life starts, continues and ends in and through HIM.. Yet HE is eternal so there really is no end and no beginning because HE is that too..

So yes I cannot ever be lost even if there are a million detours. And I believe even detours are worked in because HE knows everything and HE is sovereign. There is never any fear in love. HE is perfect love. So why on earth would love be denied the beating heart of any creature who looked to the very source of LOVE itself.

What if I’m actually on the scenic route toward my dream right now?

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project
Day 8
SHORTCUTS
“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.”
— Beverly Sills
Today’s Journal Prompt:

What if I’m actually on the scenic route toward my dream right now?

Oh dear it all points to IT COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE it. Just now I had written out a whole piece of writing and was just editing it and my computer froze and I lost it all. I really do want to give up at this very moment. Everything in my body aches right now too and I don’t know why. I feel like a huge pile of crap.

I stopped dreaming a long time ago that my life could get better. It is blind faith alone right now that directs any path I am on. I do not go out much, see many people or have much hope of things changing. I rely on the scripture that says. When I am weak God is strong. Because believe me right now I am weak. And I am going to hit save every so often lol so I do not lose it all again because if this goes I don’t have it in me to do it a third time. I really don’t.
By grace in GOD almighty alone could I be on a path that goes anywhere. I do remember the gist of my writing and was explaining what encourages me on my dream less path. I have to trust in God for a dream as well. I day dream, that I can still do. It isn’t about things I could possibly imagine happening it is usually dreams that are escape type dreams from my normal unchanging life. I am someone else in my dreams and I can make them and myself whatever I want.
I have to believe blindly that I am indeed on the scenic route even if I see the same old same old. I have to believe there is even a dream for me to dream and a dream to be full-filled.
I just stubbornly look to God. Trust HIM. Completely and utterly trust HIM. This is how and why I do it.
I have a plaque on my wall that my former husband gave me. It says.

In all thy ways acknowledge HIM and he shall direct thy path. Proverbs 3:6.

Now these words encourage me when I am aware of them.
The story like much of my life is strange. My husband and I are divorced. He now calls himself an atheist. For much of our marriage I prayed for him to know God, many prayers I cried out with tears because it was something I wanted with every part of me and I sought God as earnestly as I could for a very long long long time.. Ha ha he went completely the opposite way. Yes this could be defeatist I suppose but that is where my faith ends and the faith GOD has given me begins.
I am stubborn and I had to move past human type faith because quite literally it has failed me and people’s faith failed me too. I need mountain moving faith now. Because it seems hopeless yeah!! I failed yeah. But there are those words given to me by a man who now doesn’t believe in God yet he has given me the very words that so encourage my heart and it’s this kind of miraculous faith that so far has not waned. It seems to booster my eyes and heart ever upward and inward to Gods Spirit which I KNOW is with me. And obviously this scripture does not encourage me because it appears to have worked physically yet.. but that I believe in these words to the utmost edges of eternity and back. I do not think eternity has edges though.. 🙂
The thing is if you take these words to heart, if you believe in them to the uttermost. It is not about where I go, how far I go, how wide I go, how I go, who goes with me etc.. It says I WILL be directed on my path if I simply acknowledge God in all my ways. THIS I surely have done over and over.. THIS is not beyond me in fact it is easy to do.. And I do so trust HIM completely and will do to my human death.. It is child like faith yes and as the bible says even a small sized faith ( like a mustard seed ) can move mountains. I am relying on HIM with all my heart and soul for not only my former husband because yeah I have not given up on him yet this way.. But it must be said quite frankly that I couldn’t get anywhere any other way either.

Manifesto

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Day 6 – manifesto

“Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing.”
― Eve Ensler

I want to say yes to…

Being Confident. Yes to being me in all my glory. The glory of GOD in me and it is my own personal shade of HIS glory given to all of us HIS created ones to enjoy. I see beauty in myself and for a long long time I did not. Losing fear.. Yes to personal growth!!! Yes to solitude because out of it IS coming wonderful things.

I am going to confess something to you or to myself or to whomever reads this.
Today I got some new art products. I got given birthday money early. So happy. So deliriously happy. Closing down sale in my city and everything was 50% off. So for a much smaller amount I got things I wanted and love and possibly will go back to get some more! The words on my pic are from that purchase today!!
Anyhow I came home. Sat on my bed with new things very happy. Than because of a conversation I had on-line with a friend the happiness started to dwindle and the wind in my sales lost it’s power.. I did this sitting thing I do and have done for a long time. I lost my momentum. Unfortunately half of the day I just sort of sat and whittled away time till at least Zali my daughter came home from high school. Ohhh I am a little ashamed to say that.. I could have been doing art half the day or anything else constructive instead of right now last thing at night.
Tonight I have finished off a picture I started yesterday with reference to the above days prompt. Actually I was mailed the wrong prompt lol so I adapted to this one today which is the right one. They both fit. That’s just how art is in my life these days. Flows in just about any direction I am facing.
The way this picture came about isn’t by sitting and thinking about what should I do. I just saw the picture on the back of a ‘Frankie’ magazine and thought I love that I am going to have a go at drawing it. Had I sat and thought about it I might have given up. But when I started it I just kept at it. The background wasn’t even a blank page it was a pink page already created to journal on.

I kept going though. When I got up to drawing the butterfly I was like ‘How am I going to make it look authentic, there are too many little details to draw?.’ But I just kept going because I do not want it to be exact but a representation of it and I don’t think I ever would have got it the same any way. The original pencil lines were fainter so I could go over them till I was reasonably happy with the shape. Then I just defined the lines and colored it in. Created with Faber Castell Gelatos and I am surprised at myself that I have so much more confidence. I can’t really say it was one course or another that taught me this. More a variety of artists and just doing what I love to do; I went here and there and artists always say keep at it. Make it something you regularly do. Draw, write, paint etc but do it daily and don’t be anal about it just keep at it. Embrace the process. If you don’t like it keep going and work at it, don’t give up. Kelly Rae Roberts is the one who helped me to press on even if I didn’t like what I was creating.

Go by your intuition. The picture that I chose to draw just so fits my life. I have gone inward. I have focused more on spiritual inward life. I have experienced deep peace. Butterflies have featured in my art and writing before. New life.Completely different life. Light. Wings. Flying on wings.. Spirit. Confidence was my word for the year last year. I don’t have to think much about creativity I just know what words to use instinctively and it is all meaningful to me and to my life and how I live. That to me is a miracle especially when I sit for a great deal of the day and find myself vegetating. It is the straight path GOD promises to people who trust Him and do not worry about trying to understand.

Incredibly personal and meaningful and I love what I have done.. I am happy with it. And last little note is the bright red lips showing through even the small part that I have underneath the butterfly signify that there is more a boldness in me. I know I know it is small. But I think therein lies some great hope and the lips ha ha show that even though my spirit speaks mostly in my creative life and my voice has been hidden it is breaking through now YE HA.
There is still SO MUCH MORE to come.. YES YES to more boldness and YES YES to more confidence!!!!

Unknown

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project

Day 3

UNKNOWN

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do,

we have come to our real work

and when we no longer know which way to go,

we have begun our real journey.”

— Wendell Berry

My real work might just be…

Starting, becoming clear, springing from this place?

Oh my how that quote above just makes me sigh deeply like suddenly my soul found it had stopped breathing and didn’t quite know it. Because I often sit thinking of all that I should or could be doing and have absolutely no idea what to do with myself and its such a hopeless feeling and I cannot literally move. I am afraid that if I did ask GOD it be just the same old same old and all the crap I have been through would have been for nothing. Yet I know HE doesn’t waste anything. I know HE has been with me through all the strange occurrences that has been my life. I have not felt HIS displeasure or felt guilty except only by the words of humans who say they are speaking for HIM?
Yet where are they when I am struggling? Judging? I thought the Holy Spirit was supposed to prompt people into action but so far nobody has been getting it except artist type people. People who have struggled and who are what the world considers broken people. They seem more in tune with the Spirit of God than people who spend their lives dedicated to God?? It all makes me look at HIM only at HIM and perhaps what encourages me even though it seems not the way a majority move is just when I think I cannot go on a little ray of light breaks through and I find myself encouraged and fear fades away.

Unknown territory. Where nothing of the normal or old type things work anymore. Its like everything has pushed me here. And even though it has been hard and lonely and isolating strangely I do not wish to go back. I often think how can this be? Majority move a certain way surely I am way off the beaten track yet I find despite myself incredible peace and joy and intuition I know is not me. Maybe it is all for a reason. To begin that REAL journey my soul has been crying out for. I suppose I should not be disorientated when its all new ground around me, all unfamiliar and strange. Because that is exactly what breaking into the NEW is.

So this is it then. This New way. And I just realised yet again when I am honest about where I am something comes alive in me. I can express myself easily. I can find the words that only a short while ago failed me. What a strange thing this is though. This strength in weakness. This surge of life where moments ago I was lost and direction less but now I am moving in spirit, confidence brimming over and it feels really really good.