Tag Archives: Transparent

Something greater going on despite the weirdness

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Having doubts even writing this lol.

Why LORD why when nobody will probably read it?

But when something amazing happens the normal thing is to share it.. so in what feels an abnormal moment I will share it nevertheless.

Abnormal is what I would call my life. I know people might say I harp on about it. This life I live and being alone so much. But it’s my truth. Only recently a face book friend actually said they’d be in town, where I live and wanted to meet me. But its strange you know this person isn’t what you’d call close. A friend, acquaintance.. Someone I have known for quite a few years through our on-line group Unify and face book and I don’t remember how long or the circumstances of becoming friends either.

But that isn’t why I didn’t take him up on it. He and his wife which he didn’t actually mention but I know he is married were visiting family who live here. The thing is I hardly see a soul and being deaf means face to face is hard enough and I miss so much. I don’t really have anyone else to ask to come along with me to meet him.. like as a support. I only really see family these days. So I declined. Yes I guess seeing I am alone so much that it is rather a bad thing isn’t it to decline to see someone who actually wants to meet up.

It is just that texting on a phone or screen is easier than talking face to face and I don’t feel as comfortable in a social setting as I do texting. I will miss a lot of what is said anyway and yeah losing so much of a conversation and being uncomfortable all the time while you sit and try to work out what has been said isn’t fun.. Although I do ask people to repeat themselves sometimes that doesn’t work either and I feel so bad knowing the other person has said something to me I have no idea about what it was.. It’s not enjoyable and it doesn’t really interest me. Lol not that seeing him in person wouldn’t be good and they are not interesting.. its not about the other person perse.. I mean I love people but its frustrating for me and any good seems sucked up in anxiety.. I don’t think to be honest anyone would like to spend a few hours talking to thin air cause that is what happens yet here I am juggling the very same thing thinking why write my heart out if nobody will read it but I think at least its out in the world and can be found even years later rather then spoken once and lost forever.
I have to be honest and I do not feel that I could be my best or even half myself… meeting him. I don’t think he has ever read my blog here either and I feel he or anyone else would know me better reading here then ever you could know me face to face.. True honest.

In person I am not the same as my spirit or as I am creatively speaking. I am shy, I am introverted and I will freeze up. I will struggle to find things to talk about AND on top of all that I will be fumbling to communicate with you and struggle to hear you.. LOL it sounds like a fish out of water doesn’t it. 😀

Now I am not picking on him. But there is no chat back and forth between us regularly or even irregularly I think thats the same for most people on face book its a connection point rather then social point. You are friends you see an occasional update or too maybe comment here and there. You share your opionions and thoughts on your face book and they on theirs and you might even read up occasionally.

My fault as well it is just that if there was more contact I probably would be more inclined to be around someone even if it were a struggle. More connection.. More meaningful. More ease.. definitely a greater reason to push myself out there. I do not mean to disappoint anyone. Nor disrespect anyone. I find it very hard to be honest in these moments. But I would rather be honest then make excuses and just ditch people by not turning up or not saying how I really feel.. But as always the other person even when I’m completely honest it’s rare I know what they feel.. very few talk like I do.. so I guess that’s partly why it’s rare for me to find a connection.

In saying all that ha ha. I will get to the greater going on. My latest art piece which I have not finished by the way. And it could be rather embarrassing too because I was actually attempting to draw/paint my own brother. I have one sister and one brother on earth and one sister in heaven. My brothers photo added to show as reference.

I thought this time I should draw a guy.. the portrait before this one was a weird face guy.. it was refreshing to draw/paint a guy.. it wasn’t my usual portrait.. I especially loved drawing a character where I just had fun with freely drawing a face and letting what came come..

My own best attribute I feel is just being myself lol and not being afraid to be honest and let my imperfections show. The good and the bad..

I don’t believe I am a gifted artist. I believe I can do art and I am improving and I have talents but to be honest my art has imperfections and I never feel that I could get to the point of selling it because of this very reason. So I feel my art will mostly be just be for personal pleasure and also a beautiful freestyle vessel of communication and sharing my heart. Any artist that makes money lets be honest they are very good at what they do. There is an excellence about how they craft their talent & how they do it. And very rightly most art is pricey. Good art is and that is because it takes time and devotion and artists are worthy of that because they put their heart and soul into it.

Good artists are noticed and although some may not be appreciated in their time. All great talent is eventually realized because it wows us, it thrills us, it brings us to our knees, inspires, evokes emotions, captivates etc.. Touches and changes the world.

Now what excites me about my art isn’t so much the talent I have or that people are raving about it ha ha but what God reveals to me through HIS Spirit and though my imperfections which oh my is so empowering. I mean I literally get propelled through my life simply knowing that GOD is in this with me, no matter who else isn’t noticing… and it is because HE is with me and so supportive it gives me wings, joy overflowing and love like nobody else ever could.. All the while even though I am imperfect.. It gives me incredible fortitude.. hope spring up in my heart and I can find myself excited to share something like this even though many times the stats tell me very few and sometimes no one reads it. My art unlike my sharing here is getting more attention and it’s not the attention I’m after so much it’s that it’s a place where others come.. we meet where I share my art and I’m happy, free, not uncomfortable and I’m inspired..

It is EXACTLY this determination to press onwards where I feel and I recognise in myself that I know that I know that I know it is GOD in me. ❤ Art is not only where I communicate but where I connect best with others it’s also a place my soul/spirit senses Gods presence..

My latest art piece I have to share even unfinished because last night.. Or rather early this morning GOD was speaking to me in my half asleep time.

The picture was done digitally on an app on my ipad.

To be honest from the beginning it did not start to look like my brother and yes I was relaxed about it. Not anal. I starting erasing lines to and fro and I thought no no I want to be free with this. So I kept on drawing and not erasing. I was trying for a likeness though and sometimes in my drawings others have said they can see that likeness and I have seen that likeness for the subject but this was not one of these times. The more I worked on it the more it began to look like my on line friend Dustin in Canada. I was not thinking of him at all. But it looks like him though lol. I am not sure if that happens to any other artist? Draw one thing and it kind of morphs into something else or someone else. But even though I was using my brothers photo for a reference point and did not stop using it.. my online friend was forming in the picture and I have no idea why. Spirit surely does come and go as it wishes..

It was late at night I was drawing so I was tired and went to bed without finishing my art. I shared it with Dustin via messenger though cause he is also an artist but not a practicing artist lol he did 6 years at uni for art but hasn’t got the heart for it anymore. He is extremely talented too and very patient with me lol and I show him most everything ha ha.

It was overnight in Canada so I see now he has finally seen it. Haven’t talked to him though about it. But it wasn’t honestly about him that I was mentally aware of at the time.
The kicker is that before I went to bed I heard the Holy Spirit say. ‘There is a friend that is closer then a brother. ‘

Which is an actual scripture in the bible. And truth for me too in life because my brother Quentin and I are not close as siblings. Don’t see each other very often and very rarely talk together more than pleasantries.

Which is a complete opposite to Dustin whom I talk to via messenger every single day. Online bestie for many years and he is definitely closer to me then my brother..

Again I do not know what it means but even going back to earlier what I said about my strength being of my spirit more then my flesh or face to face. My art is showing me a far deeper and greater thing happening then simply what I am drawing or how good I am at it. Gods Spirit is right there with me in it.. in me while I am creatively expressing and I can see HE is sort of tying in my life, truth, creative expressions in what I am doing and they all sort of tumble together and come forth in ways that open my eyes to I think other worldly meanings and greater truths which I absolutely cannot keep inside myself I have to share. Isn’t that though exactly what we are meant to do though. Share our faith!!!

I am calling on GOD right now to help me remember but it’s not coming though. Seems so unfair you know when Gods Spirit was communing with me so closely in the dark hours just before sun up and it was woah… but like many dreams I have they disappear pretty soon after I wake and unless I scribble things down I soon forget..

It was early this morning in relation to my art and I think mostly it had so encouraged me that the scripture about a friend being closer to me then a brother that it came and so beautifully fitted with my art and what happened.. That it was a total God moment. This is exactly what motivates and drives me to write now. I rely on spirit and not flesh. God reminds the bible also says.. Flesh counts for noting..

I only wish I could explain just how wonderful it is to me.. I mean I literally have little use lol in this life for anyone.. Raising my children of course. A busy year for my youngest who is in final year of High School. She has a job as well. One more son at home and I run another son around to work etc who lives full time with his father. He is a grown up son though but doesn’t drive.

Not a great house keeper, do not work. Rarely leave the house lol. I do not go to church of a weekend. I cannot hear and God is with me 24/7 right here and I do get some of the social part via internet I mean I am connected to many believers in God via internet. Where I join in and pray with others. Share with others online. But mostly my life is very quiet and not much else.

I am not a motivated person. Art wise is the exception. It is where I am spiritually motivated but outwardly I am looking at what I put out into the world compared to say 5 years ago. I’d say less and less and less.. so much so that as I’ve said before it’s rare I show up on people’s radars these days..

I am not religious outward. I am different to what I used to be. How I used to post. What I used to say. How I came across.

But when GOD Spirit is right here with me. Despite all this. It is incredibly affirming, stabilizing. Peace & joy producing. Personal. Intimate. Spontaneous. Delightful actually. I literally feel my borders if there is such a thing expanding..

Perfect love drives out fear. So I can find contentment right here right now..

I love this from another artist whose magazine I receive in the mail via USA. Mandy Steward. E zine ‘Secret Message Society.’

She says.. I am further along than I thought I’d be at this point in my REVOLUTION. The words aren’t as necessary, nor is the being NOTICED. Who is left to notice?

That fits with me exactly..

I will share a picture of what she wrote..

Cause I love it. I do not have to be afraid. If God is for me who can be against me? And the wonder of it is.. GOD in me. Miracle right there. HE came as us.. Human.. To show us the KINGDOM is within. Humans. Flesh. As Spirit.

Maybe it doesn’t matter the intimate things HE was whispering to me in the early hours. They were welcomed and encouraging to my spirit and soul. They seeped down into the depths of me where I am found where few have found me and I am comforted and feel beloved and precious. Like God stopped the world just for me. Affirmed.. Held.. Loved.. Valued.. Tears come even though I do not remember word for word.. It is enough that HE came and I do not need to recall it. It is there inside me.

My art has been all about faces lately. Which does seem strange for someone who rarely is close to anyone’s face.. It tell me though something great. That Spirit is intimate.. Closer then flesh.. Face to face as lovely as it is.. Is not needed in spirit realms.

Otherwise Holy Spirit could not be our comforter and teacher. YET HE is.. In the darkest time just before sun rise HE IS with us. Speaking. I believe even to the masses who might not even acknowledge HIM.. Just like HE hovered over the void that was yet to be earth. HE is and we are in HIM. Even now as we are. There is not fear. Just believe.

Let’s face it lol

When you are aware of God so acutely you’re in the right place even if it feels the wrong place.. ❤️🕊

Numbers 6:24-26

The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace.’

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Unraveling the year behind

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((HIM or words all in capitals (always stands for GOD, Jesus, Holy Spirit) I capitalize it. Its an honor thing.. Acknowledgement of HIM.. ))

My word for 2015 was a string of words.. Your Kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

This is how my word helped to guide me through the last 12 months.

Everything I once knew as Gods Kingdom fades away. It all seems to point back to me. To what is held inside this fragile container. Kingdom of God within. Outer crowded in. Outer world/relationships things I once relied on crumbled away, falling short.
I found HE really loves me.  Loves all of us. No one excluded. When your eyes are opened even a little more. See HIM in everything. Yet it doesn’t hem you in. And most definitely not controlling. Most appears hidden and that is so it can be deliciously found and enjoyed. HE wants it to be an adventure. Where even the bad parts are working for good. Like Dorothy and the ruby slippers. You have everything you need with you. You just didn’t know it. Although its been a dry year. Takes your eyes off flesh living to Spirit. Spirit is abundance. Freedom. Creativity. Abounding love, peace and joy.Its connection.. It’s greater. Spirit is everywhere. Even people who aren’t aware you can see “Spirit” alive in them. It is more than life. It’s operating whether you realize it or not. Holiest of Holy is in us. Beautiful. The new has come!! All done for us.. just need to discover it!! I don’t have to be religious!

GOD really has a plan to save us all!!!! Here and now..  Jesus made that possible!!

What did I embrace in 2015?

Creativity. HIM sometimes there was minuscule going on with me.
Rest.

What did you let go of in 2015?

Let go of being around certain people, let go of what people would think, (battle).. Let go of thinking of why certain things happened like they did..

What changed for you in 2015?

(Great sadness, rejection and low feelings) seemed to have moved past it. Amazingly without Drs, medication, people or things really changing. HIS power evident in my weakness. Not to be afraid of weakness and emotions.. Mind you I was very reclusive in 2015..

What did you discover about yourself in 2015?

Spirit is stronger. God isn’t about judgement. No fear in love. You can slip and slide into areas you never thought you would. God stays by your side. Moves you on without it destroying you or consuming you. Hope for everyone.

What were you most grateful for in 2015?

HIS strength. HIS unchanging love. Creativity and expression. Children. Justin’s kindness (former husband). Dustin’s friendship through thick and thin. (online overseas friend). SIL Lisa support and understanding. She told me things that helped.. Journalling. Recent Torquay beach holiday with almost all my children.. Oldest daughter finishing uni..

What did fear hold you back in 2015?

When I looked at all I fall short at. When I look at the way people have treated me. When I struggled to understand why things happened the way they did. When people continued to not know my heart and judge me according to who they think I am rather than who I actually am.
When I stopped expressing myself I shut down.. Fear of what people think..

When did you practice bravery in 2015?

Not completely losing it. Facing difficult people again. Speaking out at times. Letting things go. Finding peace in storms. Fighting battles no-one knew about even though they were present. When I haven’t been believed about what is happening to me.

What surprised you in 2015?

Good things happening to me even when I did nothing to deserve them.

What made you smile in 2015?

My children. Humor wherever it springs from. Sharing on face book. When somebody sees my heart. Children anywhere. Finding treasures at op shops/ thrift stores. Putting myself out there when not many noticed or responded simply because I loved doing it.. Continuing to do it..

What conclusions did you reach in 2015?

For all that didn’t happen. All the trials. I can smile and be at peace. Know GOD is with me. Know hope. Believe that somehow it is all working together for good.

These questions I found and signed up for through this site.. you can get a  FREE 5-day email class to help you figure out your word for the coming year.

Find Your Word for 2016

Vulnerable Me

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Vulnerable Me

If I met vulnerable me.
I would want to hug her..
I would just love on her right where she is.
I wouldn’t ask her to change.
I wouldn’t scold her.. but hold her if she wanted.
I would say it’s ok to cry and maybe I’d cry with her too.
I’d make sure she knows that to hide is not frowned on.
That she has freedom to be who she is.
I would listen for hours if she needed to speak.
I would give her privacy if she needed to retreat.
But tell her I’d miss her and long for her return.
But most of all I would tell her she’s precious.
That everything that has happened to her matters.
All of it.
I’d invite her to talk.
To rant.
To rave.
I would not take it personally because I know she’s brave and she needs it.
I’d tell her inside and out she’s beautiful and precious.
I’d want to hear her story.
I’d want to see her express it the way she felt comfortable.
I’d see her heart.
I’d respect her Spirit.
I’d remind her that although the world may not say it… her story needs to be told.
I’d just love her and sit with her… and hold her hand.
And tell her she’s always welcome..
That even if she stumbles and falls I will help her up and not judge.
That I won’t withdraw my love or presence just because she struggles.
I will always love her.
Always treasure her.
Always..

vulnerable

She Has Transpired

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My heart expression (art pic below) not even finished and it begs me that there is a voice to be heard and something to be said. I have always had this annoying habit of sharing.. if it moves me I cannot not share it.. sometimes even half way through.. I have to hit send or interrupt the moment cause its too good to skip over.. I just know its so good.. why? It’s like my life is about recognising and passing that along.. Can’t help myself.. bad habits.. weakness..

I cried as I carefully cut out the cellophane me.. even the lines that signify me.. some of them disappeared because of the cutting.. Felt a very very vulnerable experience in expressing “invisible me” that it meant so much more than what was actually occurring. This truly is as clear a message as I can give about how I have felt about myself.. How I have felt around other people.. though amazingly and so ironically is that I’ve often been called “transparent” which has amazing opposite meanings like this..

“so sheer as to let light pass through”

“easily seen through”

“open, frank, candid, recognised or detected; manifest, obvious….”

So even as I write that word… and think about “invisible me” I realise that being transparent also means I’m different and in such a way that light passes through.. How amazing that God is light and I actually enjoy sharing about HIM! Showing HIS light is part of my purpose in more ways than one!

If people have said this and this is indeed how I am.. maybe the two are connected and this is how the spiritual unseen side is indeed manifesting. How God is seen!

God has surely said this about Himself.. My power is perfected in weakness 2 Corinthians 12:9

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves;
– New American Standard Version (1995) 2 Corinthians 4:7

Its “me” for sure.. and this art piece even as “is” exposes a raw nerve in me because I am revealing myself as honestly and openly as I can; how it really is (simply) and yet I question myself.. Why put this out there? Why? Why do I feel the need to share it.. why cannot it be enough to just create it and keep it to myself, hide it away in a drawer or box or inside my house somewhere and feel I am happy with what I created so far and move on.. why must I also do more with it?

Why, why, why do I want to put myself out there.. again and again and again..

Matthew 5:14-16
New International Version (NIV)
14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

See even though I feel invisible and vulnerable.. putting an invisible person out there AGAIN and an unfinished piece at that is damn stupid isn’t it.. but still my heart says.. do it.. do it.. do it.. say it.. say it.. say it. I just have to for some reason and the above verses say that is exactly what light is for! To shine and not hide and as Im transparent I seem to be fitted to do this.

Notice the little bright painted star in my chest where my heart is supposed to be.. a friend once said they cannot see my heart because I used to just post inspiring things, encouraging things on christian forums and through the internet instead of investing myself or my person. He felt something was missing.. He was right it was me.. I have felt I have nothing of my own to contribute so this created a vacuum inside therefore I had nothing of myself to give.

But at the time I thought I was putting my heart out there and as I have said before I have gotten less and less response to this so I have felt totally and utterly invisible even though I was out there every day..
I copied quotes and I communicated through what others said and used others pictures, beliefs, expressions to express myself and of course he felt and rightly so that everything I was doing was not from my heart at all.. Which it wasn’t in a way. No wonder I have not felt I had a voice..

But nevertheless it has been the way of my heart and yes I guess I too can understand why others stopped seeing me.. Maybe the star also signifies that although I have felt invisible I want to become the “star” of my life again..

Ha ha GOD has a sense of humour.. This came to me.

“shine like stars in the dark world” Philippians 2:15

Even when the words completely dry in me, I can create visually and recognise what I’m feeling and talk about that.. 🙂

I have been plugged in today to the song “Without You” by Mariah Carey because it came to my mind.. and yes here I am in my room again.. because when I listen to these types of songs I have to sing along and my kids give me that look.. here she goes again.. and they roll their eyes.. and I am almost forced to my room to bellow.. lol and as I get caught up in the lyrics and its just belted out its better for all.. I sing and contemplate while looking at others art and their heart messages call to me giving me added permission to do this.. So I listen over and over and over and I ponder what my heart feels then just start to flow through all this.. Its incredible what comes out as I process it.. things I didn’t even know were there.. but I just start seeing.. and feeling and sensing and when it starts to flow all the pieces come together..

As I was cutting out my figure for the art piece and being careful because cellophane rips so easily yes I was teary because souls are fragile but worth the effort to defiantly reveal because there is so much more to them than meets the eye.. all the while the lyrics were saying something about this.. I cannot live without you Mariah crooned… and yes without a heart and soul feeling and expressing from our innermost being we too become just a type of empty shell.. Not really alive without being fully ourselves (Cannot live if living is without You..)

I have been thinking about the many artists that inspire me lately.. and so many many struggle with being fully themselves and this often includes their relationship with GOD and a little sadness creeps in my heart.. because I too cannot bare to live a half life and I certainly couldn’t live without a greater meaning to my invisibility…
The whole existence of an unseen God gives my very heart and spirit wings, words and purpose. But why am I being sad because of this truth? Even if people cannot see HIM either.. HE is still there too and so much more than meets the eye as we ourselves also are.. I totally understand HIS invisibility and how much bigger HE is because of my own lacks. Its because of them I see HIM and find myself fully!

I have learnt to appreciate HIM in ways others may not so I guess all the more reason to give out this hope. I stubbornly believed in HIM even unseen and its because of recognising my lacks I found form, feelings, help, comfort, strength, possibilities its why I share this very thing right now. HE has come into view and HE is what brings me into focus in this medium and through these words..

I am simply letting my vulnerability reveal HIM as HE says will happen and finding there is purpose for my struggles and HIS strength is revealed in my weakness and although a weak person has nothing to offer the world and the world has nothing to offer a weak person.. If I were even a highly sought artist or writer I would have something to give and offer but unseen and un-noticed people have nothing to give or offer.. Yet there is something here isn’t there!

Trying to live without HIM is like wrestling with yourself and we live in ourselves.. but yet we wrestle on and on and on.. and wonder why we get so tired and when you realise there is no reason for strength ( that’s GOD) no reason for words (that’s GOD).. no reason to keep going (that’s GOD) .. you cannot just see HIM invisible anymore.. And there you have it.. The reason I am here.

The words “Without YOU” are indeed about me today… Oh how many times have I heard said to me “It’s not about You…” though I secretly smiled to myself when I heard that because they got it so right.. Today I could answer them clearly… “Yes I do know that”.. because it never has been about me..

But today and onwards is different. Suddenly I see that the world needs me too.. and maybe that is why I keep putting myself out there.. because I cannot hide and don’t want too.. I cannot not be me and every human struggle shouts loud.. yes yes yes I do matter and I want to be seen… and I would burst if I didn’t because the spirit/river has to flow.. I think inside everyone of us.. especially the imperfect unfinished art (us) cannot hide anymore and fear starts to lose its hold. The walls begin to crumble… You realise the river/spirit was always going to burst through anyway.. Ohh you know the cutout you (what we all perceive) is not just one dimensional and because you cannot give up its saying nothing is going to define you anymore as we are so much more than even the things we did in the past.. or even yesterday…. Yes we are going to be vulnerable right now, thats what people are.. and we are going to show ourselves no matter what.. Thats what people do.. and yes there might be a process and another layer or 50 more to come or go.. it might be unfinished cause this is what we feel or see today.. but its happening and its now.. We cannot deny it anymore.. We have transpired..

transpire verb –
to occur; happen; take place.
to emit or give off waste matter, watery vapor, etc., through the surface, as of the body or of leaves.
to escape, as moisture or odor, through or as if through pores.
to be revealed or become known.

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If only it bloody mattered..

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Back in the dating scene again at 43.. is a truly scary thing..

But its even more scary when your disabled, have kids and no income.. thats nigh impossible.. ha ha..

Ok I probably cut off my nose despite my face when I tell men those things about myself.. I mean what man is going to want a dependant? Here in Australia.. if you even live in a defacto relationship you are considered dependant on the primary bread winner.. I am paid a pension because I am hearing impaired.. severely hearing impaired also get child support.. but I think if I marry the pension would get cut or I would lose it altogether..

Doesn’t give one much hope of attracting a spouse.. I have tried dating sites.. with little success.. It just feels so wrong to pick and choose amongst so many men I really know nothing about.. I seem to meet mostly men overseas. They find me through face book.. and I have not had really good success there either. One relationship I built a friendship for 8 months and he was pressuring me to commit. Im overseas and thats not going to happen easily. And I guess he got sick of waiting and decided to chat up my sister on face book.. ohhh saying the exact same things he said to me. I was thinking of visiting him too.. I am so glad I didn’t.

Ohh I got really mad at him, yes he declared love and no I did not reciprocate that love but how can you fall in and out of love and then days later say similar things to someone else.. and my sister never the less??

Really really hurt because yes I did care about him, more than I let on but he talked daily and very few do with me. That took the wind out of my sails. So now when men introduce themselves and talk a few days and say lovey dovey things I am like.. come on please please how can you say that. You don’t know me and my heart withdraws and it kind of weakens their chances to get to know me. I am going to hold back even more.

Now the reason I said that above.. and no I don’t talk like that normally.. but this is insane.. that single men and women will overlook disabled people.. or different souls.. or men or women that don’t tick all their boxes and I think it is very very sad.. I am currently talking to my best friend in the world.. male.. ha ha.. but been friends for years online.. and he is overseas wouldn’t you know it.. But 13 years younger.. ha ha.. that does make me feel good.. but we are just friends.. I cannot have anymore children and he is wanting kids and I would never do that to a guy.. Deny him children.. but this guy is my best friend and we talk every day.. I thank God for him.. He gives me hope I can find a guy that talks back to me and daily and wants to talk..

We both don’t tick all the usual dating boxes and it does make you feel a reject.. un marry able.. and you might not put yourself out there or give yourself the chance because according to the way the world sees dating compatibility who is going to choose you?

He is extremely faithful, in all my 43 years I have not ever had a friend who talks as often as he does.. and he cares.. These two things are what I consider priceless.. and they should bloody matter.. But he says in the dating world.. they don’t seem to matter..

Ok my body is ageing faster than I would like it.. I have a divorce behind me.. I have kids.. I have a disability.. but I am still loving.. I would be faithful.. I believe in love, unconditional and being kind.. and supporting one another and romance.. all the stuff that SHOULD be important.. but because the first few things I wrote about are what put people off.. well I don’t get a chance to show my heart.. and the heart will always be inside the person till they die.. after the body ages and the hair grows grey..

Its sad that probably the pick of the crop is discarded because they are not bright and glossy and beautiful to the seeing eyes.. they may be wrinkled.. have a bump or two.. or not be as appealing.. but please please look with your heart.. We all want to be with lovely people.. but think.. think hard.. the people you love most.. might be old and grey.. your grandparents.. or your parent.. or an old friend.. or a disabled friend who cares.. or they might wear glasses or be deaf.. or they might wear goth or be gay or be in a wheel chair.. they are different but that is what makes them attractive to us.. Now please don’t think because I wrote wheel chair or gay above that I am labelling them.. just trying to make you see the soul in a person not the outside.. but recognise that it should matter.. bloody should matter about the soul/heart and not about ticking all the boxes whatever that means..

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Is there something I can learn from this?

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Last night was a hard night for me.. I sat beside someone I have loved over half my life in emergency.. Someone who has made me a mother, I’ve loved and who I have prayed for, cried about, argued with and been majorly frustrated with amongst other things..

Ha ha he is also the one whom GOD sent to teach me how to love HIM and know HIM and all through our years together taught me so many things..

As this is public I will not relay anything personal about him but I will share how I feel about it.. Obviously being in emergency means something happened that is scary and shocking.. But I am glad I could be there.. Yes it was my ex husband.. but ohh my.. there is so much emotional history it is never just about that moment…

I have not slept much overnight.. thinking.. dreaming.. nightmares.. crying.. prayers.. talking into the darkness to GOD.. we have been divorced about 2 years I think.. but I was married 18 years and knew him from being a teenager.. We have 6 kids.. 5 on earth.. 1 in heaven..

I can be honest and say I don’t really know how I feel about us.. any more.. but I would do just about anything for him.. I still love him I guess but you move on without the other person beside you when they cannot be.. not by choice but because what else is there to do.. I have let the relationship go as much as I possibly can.. I mean divorce is pretty final.. But when an emergency happens it changes everything.. maybe more so for me inside.. emotionally.. Maybe that is the women in me.. or maybe that is just how I am wired..

I insisted he contact his family.. Im glad that he did.. but then its hard.. because I am not his wife anymore.. ex-wife sounds so eww… I so want to mean more to someone one day.. you know.. but that is for another time to write.. and I have written about that of recent some.. I have to remember my place now.. Look its not the same anymore.. maybe only people who have had broken relationships can understand this.. But I feel I take a back seat or even that I am not even in the vehicle now.. yes that is what I feel.. I could just be a friend.. which is weird.. you have to hit reverse when you want to hit drive.. give all the hurt.. the desires.. the hopes.. to GODS hands.. and let HIM lead you where he will.. and see what the other person wants… as my counsellor said.. Because his heart was not in it.. I had to let go.. yes I found peace.. healing.. but I guess an emergency brings things back to the surface.. I am still me.. I don’t stop loving.. feeling..

It hit home that in a moment.. any time your life can change.. I was able to be there to help last night.. not sure today what my role should be.. I can be smothering I guess and I can have my own views and well we are not apart because things were obviously perfect.. I saw GODS hand upon me to be there at the time.. things worked out that way.. that deeply encourages me.. And I have prayed for this man probably 20 years.. yes I guess you could say.. well those prayers really worked.. 🙂 I have thought about that believe me.. but we cannot choose what prayers are answered and how.. We also fail I am sure in our part that we play more than we care to say.. But I am stubborn… and it is part of who I am.. to pray and leave the results in GODS hands.. I have peace for the end of our relationship as husband and wife.. but it doesn’t mean I like it or wanted differently or understand it or know what is coming.. If I cannot be his wife.. I will be the best damn friend I can.. 😉

But it is hard to pray and pray and pray for a long time.. believe me I have prayed every sort of prayer.. my best guess is there is a greater plan afoot.. That there is a bigger reason.. I have certainly seen my own life play out in ways that affect a greater plan than I could ever imagine.. Not the way I want mind you.. but there is still much joy in the journey..

It is hard to keep loving.. caring.. hoping and wanting.. and not getting.. but that is true love isn’t it.. to love without reciprocation.. GOD reminds me just how HE loves all peoples and how HE understands when it isn’t returned.. 🙂

I can feel HIS heart too in this place as I have found HIM very close to me.. HE has been the one I turned too.. HE is a great comfort.. to talk too in the darkness.. to cry too.. to air my frustrations too and share my joys.. I have more hope and peace today.. I have felt the power of the moment.. because even as I sit here wondering how my ex husband is.. and what will happen.. and how things will go.. I must trust.. and I can let go and realise its ok to want things.. its alright to be honest.. its alright to feel.. and even if my ex husband never responds the way I want or wanted.. its alright.. GOD knows my heart.. and all of these things have their place even if I cannot see it yet..

Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.. . Galations 6:9

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I Want Your Sex ~

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This blog post.. is a need and desire and want.. my heart cry.. My rant.. my sharing my heart.. my being honest..
I added the song.. via you tube.. “I want your sex” to simply explain that even though I am believer in GOD.. I am human and have needs and wants.. and that song actually inspired this writing.. I know Christians have all sorts of moral codes and ways to temper down.. the inbuilt sex drive… all of us have.. but underneath it all we are all the same.. and GOD does help us.. lol.. to cope.. but we are still human.. We need to be raw and honest and open with each other about our struggles, wants and needs.. and yes its not all about sex… lol.. but Im a woman hear me roar.. 🙂 the song title and lyrics just echo a need in me to be honest.. transparent.. and yes I do want sex again..

I am divorced, 43 and finding single life difficult.. I miss being with a man. The intimacy.. the heart sharing.. sex lol.. but just mostly sharing my life with someone.. not being alone..

Its been too long.. I separated from my husband in 2009.. Divorced 2 years.. we had problems communicating.. up/down relationship but had a good sex life..

I had no idea women my age still had a high libido.. sigh.. Of course I want more than sex.. but I am still human.. and because as a believer in GOD.. I link sex with marriage.. well without a husband.. its difficult.. and because I don’t see much hope that it will happen any time soon.. I do have my struggles with that..

I want love.. intimacy.. to talk about anything.. romance.. someone to love back.. to enjoy life with.. to hold and make love too.. to be by my side.. to laugh and cry with.. to be myself with.. to be all that they need and desire too.. I know its not just about me.. but I am talking from my heart here.. so I don’t mean it to be one sided..

My heart has desired a close, happy relationship for a very long time.. It has been my heart cry for many many years.. It is difficult to go through a marriage break up.. divorce and then have to face single life at 43 when I was married 18 years.. I have been with my ex since teen years..

I have, thank the LORD developed a very close relationship with GOD.. JESUS through all this.. learned to cry out to HIM.. and I now keep a written diary on my iPad.. where I can pour out my heart.. say anything I feel and its created a strong desire for GOD and pouring out my heart to HIM that I never have had with another human soul.. I can see benefits to my struggles..

I literally have prayed for a happy marriage for almost half my life.. so its a difficult thing to have hope for the future.. to wait.. ohhh how I hate that word.. to want and to face seeing happy couples and families all united together.. It makes the urges seem harder to bear.. the hurt magnified.. and yes in writing this.. we face the fact that somehow our longings are wrong.. lustful.. or sinful.. to talk about it.. to write it down.. no no no..

So I will be honest in this writing.. That there are things I want and dream of.. but I also look to GOD and trust in HIM.. I have to believe that HE can bring good out of this.. and I truly cannot imagine what that might be.. I say this because I hung on to my faith for restoration a long time.. praying.. crying.. hoping.. dreaming for my marriage to be restored but it wasn’t.. so it is humanly hard to put my faith in anything.. or anyone.. except simply give this all to GOD like a big bundle.. and say.. This is my hopes and dreams.. I cannot make it work.. LORD I give this all to YOU.. and I just ask that YOU who know me.. and know my heart and needs.. bring forth the good future.. and hope you have promised in YOUR word.. for me amen..

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Being disabled.. almost deaf.. and sharing a house with my parents and kids.. I feel like finding love is rather a long stretch.. almost impossible.. so it makes the longing almost unbearable at times.. I need continually to look to GOD who I still stubbornly believe.. I know some might give up.. I have strong faith.. but its in GOD.. not myself.. not my future.. or on any outcome.. I have faith in GOD..

Look HE has wonderfully taken me through.. all the yukky stuff.. we lost a baby boy too.. and HE has my tears in heaven.. Rivers of them..

Psalm 56:8
You have taken account of my wanderings;
Put my tears in Your bottle
Are they not in Your book? (NASB)

This is my life verse now.. I really do find love, strength, grace, comfort, contentment, intimacy, joy in the LORD… HE is more than any human could be.. there for me 24/7 but HE knows my hearts desires more than anyone..

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

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I could complain but…

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I am going to shout instead… Ha ha.. and laugh..

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Just so you know my life is not cookies and cream.. I have a head ache.. woman’s complaint that is minor but enough to make the day unpleasant if you focus on it.. Zali 12 home unwell… no money in my bank…. a teenage son that has been struggling for a while…. nothing major but enough altogether that you could get down about it.. But I sit here and talk to GOD and claim HIS promises.. oh my that is so good.. There is strength in that.. how is that you say??

Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.. Isaiah 40:31

I quoted that to my teenage son on the way to High School.. he was more like.. shut up mum.. but hey I said it loud a few times who knows that it won’t stick in his brain like a song lyric that plays over and over.. GOD is with him at school.. I know that comforts me.. Im not sure he is isn’t being bullied there.. he denies it.. but his whole behaviour has changed lately..

I sit here and throw all my cares on GOD.. I literally pour it out… everything.. and place my hope in GOD.. I don’t have a husband here to throw his arms around me.. or a shoulder to lean or cry on.. or someone to listen to my blabbing..
But GOD is there.. and I love that..

That scripture above also talks about even youths growing weary.. yes my teenage son is having trouble sleeping.. so he is snoozing on the way to school.. sigh.. As a single mother.. we do it all or it certainly feels like it.

Up early to take oldest daughter to Paramedic placement.. buy groceries.. look after sick kids.. do the banking.. school runs.. pay the bills.. do the housework.. lend money and plead for it back.. find lost items that we seem to be responsible for even if we didn’t lose them.. You cop the abuse too when there isn’t the right kind of food in the cupboard.. Or you don’t feel like running to the store to go shopping.. your constantly reminding people about things.. your thinking ahead when others don’t..

All this of course goes to GOD.. and I pray everywhere.. in the car.. on the couch in the lounge.. God forbid on the toilet.. ha ha..

If I complain its to GOD.. and HE hears it all.. and then I can leave it with him.. my strength does return.. because I can go ahead and trust GOD with all that I don’t have the faintest idea about how to handle knowing that even if I stuff up HE can deal with it.. I truly see all that stuff in HIS hands..

I look at HIS realm as mine.. HIM with me.. HIM going before.. HIM helping no matter what it appears is happening.. There is power in claiming promises over your household and family and just resting in that.. No weapon formed against us will come to anything!!!!! One of many but one I claimed today!

I guess its the getting up again.. the smile.. the peace.. the hope that never dies.. That I can keep coming back again, that gives you the oomph to keep on keeping on.. Its not looking at the symptoms its looking at the Saviour with determination in ones heart..

Praying with a bold heard.. courageous that GOD is with you.. and seeing yourself soaring with HIM over the storms..

Even if you feel like this – In HIS presence!

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