Last night was a hard night for me.. I sat beside someone I have loved over half my life in emergency.. Someone who has made me a mother, I’ve loved and who I have prayed for, cried about, argued with and been majorly frustrated with amongst other things..
Ha ha he is also the one whom GOD sent to teach me how to love HIM and know HIM and all through our years together taught me so many things..
As this is public I will not relay anything personal about him but I will share how I feel about it.. Obviously being in emergency means something happened that is scary and shocking.. But I am glad I could be there.. Yes it was my ex husband.. but ohh my.. there is so much emotional history it is never just about that moment…
I have not slept much overnight.. thinking.. dreaming.. nightmares.. crying.. prayers.. talking into the darkness to GOD.. we have been divorced about 2 years I think.. but I was married 18 years and knew him from being a teenager.. We have 6 kids.. 5 on earth.. 1 in heaven..
I can be honest and say I don’t really know how I feel about us.. any more.. but I would do just about anything for him.. I still love him I guess but you move on without the other person beside you when they cannot be.. not by choice but because what else is there to do.. I have let the relationship go as much as I possibly can.. I mean divorce is pretty final.. But when an emergency happens it changes everything.. maybe more so for me inside.. emotionally.. Maybe that is the women in me.. or maybe that is just how I am wired..
I insisted he contact his family.. Im glad that he did.. but then its hard.. because I am not his wife anymore.. ex-wife sounds so eww… I so want to mean more to someone one day.. you know.. but that is for another time to write.. and I have written about that of recent some.. I have to remember my place now.. Look its not the same anymore.. maybe only people who have had broken relationships can understand this.. But I feel I take a back seat or even that I am not even in the vehicle now.. yes that is what I feel.. I could just be a friend.. which is weird.. you have to hit reverse when you want to hit drive.. give all the hurt.. the desires.. the hopes.. to GODS hands.. and let HIM lead you where he will.. and see what the other person wants… as my counsellor said.. Because his heart was not in it.. I had to let go.. yes I found peace.. healing.. but I guess an emergency brings things back to the surface.. I am still me.. I don’t stop loving.. feeling..
It hit home that in a moment.. any time your life can change.. I was able to be there to help last night.. not sure today what my role should be.. I can be smothering I guess and I can have my own views and well we are not apart because things were obviously perfect.. I saw GODS hand upon me to be there at the time.. things worked out that way.. that deeply encourages me.. And I have prayed for this man probably 20 years.. yes I guess you could say.. well those prayers really worked.. 🙂 I have thought about that believe me.. but we cannot choose what prayers are answered and how.. We also fail I am sure in our part that we play more than we care to say.. But I am stubborn… and it is part of who I am.. to pray and leave the results in GODS hands.. I have peace for the end of our relationship as husband and wife.. but it doesn’t mean I like it or wanted differently or understand it or know what is coming.. If I cannot be his wife.. I will be the best damn friend I can.. 😉
But it is hard to pray and pray and pray for a long time.. believe me I have prayed every sort of prayer.. my best guess is there is a greater plan afoot.. That there is a bigger reason.. I have certainly seen my own life play out in ways that affect a greater plan than I could ever imagine.. Not the way I want mind you.. but there is still much joy in the journey..
It is hard to keep loving.. caring.. hoping and wanting.. and not getting.. but that is true love isn’t it.. to love without reciprocation.. GOD reminds me just how HE loves all peoples and how HE understands when it isn’t returned.. 🙂
I can feel HIS heart too in this place as I have found HIM very close to me.. HE has been the one I turned too.. HE is a great comfort.. to talk too in the darkness.. to cry too.. to air my frustrations too and share my joys.. I have more hope and peace today.. I have felt the power of the moment.. because even as I sit here wondering how my ex husband is.. and what will happen.. and how things will go.. I must trust.. and I can let go and realise its ok to want things.. its alright to be honest.. its alright to feel.. and even if my ex husband never responds the way I want or wanted.. its alright.. GOD knows my heart.. and all of these things have their place even if I cannot see it yet..
Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.. . Galations 6:9