Category Archives: Family

Conner Sam

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Conner Sam

Conner is number 5 child in our family. Counted in human terms as our 4th born child on earth as baby Tyler who was officially born fourth is in heaven now. He has always been pretty special because I gave birth to him just shy of 1 year after the loss..

Having a healthy little baby after losing a baby it is life changing in more ways then one ; everything is heightened. I am starting to tear up just thinking about it. I’ve always had a habit of calling him Conner Sam though he doesn’t particularly like being called that so I don’t use it generally but only here as it’s meaningful to me. Samuel is his second name named after Tyler Samuel who is in heaven. Conner and Tyler are for me forever entwined together. I was pregnant 4 months after the loss.

I started this digital painting back in 2019 and hadn’t finished it, which is like a lot of things in my life. I shared it online half done back in August 2019 because I just love sharing things and can’t always wait to do so.. And sometimes the hope is that it will spur me on by sharing early to get it done. Obviously that didn’t work in this case lol.

Finally finished it today. I haven’t changed it too much, and I probably didn’t even use the same digital procreate brush to finish it because I can’t remember which one I originally used so that might make the art not look so good and not flow. I just wanted to finish it and its meaningful to me and really that is all that matters. The art was created more for me personally then anyone else. Of course I hope Conner and the family like it.

Conner is aged 22 at this current time of writing and has recently moved out of my home and it makes sense to finish his digital painting now. He is on my mind.

Yesterday we visited him and his older brother at their house which isn’t too far from here. They now live together first time in many years since Keanu moved out of home when he was at High School. I was having some trouble with getting him to school. I asked his dad if he could help me with him.

He had previously had a dose of Glandular fever and missed a bit of school probably a month in all. But I wasn’t very successful to get him moving and back into the rhythm of life again as I was a single mother with 4 at home and still getting used to life without their father Justin around.. Life was pretty hard back then after a marriage break up.. so I needed his fathers help and support. I never intended him to move out permanently but he went to stay with his dad for a bit and never returned full time with me. He has explained since that he felt his Dad needed someone seeing we all were living together and his dad was alone.. Although it hurt me for him to not come home again.. I love that Keanu was thinking so much about his dad.. I can appreciate the sentiment much better now.

That was back in 2010 maybe cause Keanu was in his final years of High School.. year 11 I think.. And the two brothers have been separate ever since. I mean they did stay with their dad together when Zali and Conner did weekeneds with their Dad and also here and there with each other but not full time. I think they both will enjoy being together cause that is what Keanu says is the best thing about his new house.. Being with his brother full time.

I only have one child at home now. Zali is 19 and doing uni studies plus she works a job too.

It is hard saying goodbye. Having lived with Conner 22 years. I mean with the loss of baby Tyler, break up of the marriage etc… I find it extra hard to see them move out but happy at the same time to see them moving on with their lives.

I want to share just a little story that happened yesterday. I think that sums up how proud I am of Conner and what sort of young man he has become.

I went to visit him with Zali who is learning to drive. Any trip we do she needs the driving practice and it helps to add up her 120 hours of driving needed before she can do the exam to become a fully qualified driver.

While I was there at the new house, it was mid morning and there was no heating on. The house was a bit cold. Conner went and got me a blanket to cover me as I sat in his lounge. Plus made me a cup of coffee.. Oh my.. So kind and considerate makes me emotional.. Also bought me lunch when Zali and I drove both brothers into town to get some things they wanted and groceries they needed. Neither of the boys drive or own a car so I am happy to run them around.

If I have done any good raising Conner.. Raising my children and I say that from a mothers point of view. If I have raised them to be kind and considerate people. I think I have done my job well..

I love this young man. I love his gentle spirit and although I miss him around the house. I know he is happy and in a lovely home. And I am proud of him. He has in recent years struggled with his mental health and after leaving school finally after years of not being able to get a job and the frustration that comes with that.

Conner landed a few hours/shifts a week where his sister works but unfortunately they laid him off over the covid virus and how it has affected the way businesses run. Which was really disappointing for him..

It was so good to see him getting up to go to work, saving for things and being able to hold a steady job and they say he was doing well there. I believe he can and will experience that again hopefully soon..

If you happen to read this Conner.. I am very proud of you and the young man you have grown up to be.. And love you very much and I hope this art shows you how important you are to us your family and especially to me your mother and that I think the world of you and always will.

See My Heart

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((Warning long post.. it’s in depth sharing about poem..))

I was amazed how quickly this magnetic poem appeared. The image behind it is from a magazine I think it was a surfing one not sure..

I tear out and cut out images all the time and use them and store them. So if anyone recognizes it and the photographer let me know so I can credit them.

As soon as I saw it the image resonated with my heart. I had it on my wall for a little while then tucked it away with plans to do something in the future but didn’t know quite what at the time.

I don’t know if I have been stalling or putting off or there is a right time and today was that time. But I have known for quite a while I want to share my heart with my sister. She has been trying to connect in small ways but my heart has not known how to reply. I know I know just do it eh.. I only wish it was that simple. Art has been my bridge to the world so it makes sense today that I could easily write a poem and then share it here on my blog because this is where my heart can be more freely seen. I am comfortable writing and expressing myself this way. Face to Face definitely not.

At the moment of writing I do not intend to post it directly to my sister or share on my face book where she can see it or anyone else for that matter. Maybe after I finish and draft it up pray first before I decide what to do with it and whom sees it. My blog doesn’t get much attention but if one wanted to know my heart it is available 24/7. Even if I post a link to it on face book it doesn’t mean it will be seen but if I pray I can trust God it is seen by anyone that needs to see it. I think sometimes I just needed to share for the sake of sharing. Where no one is forced to read it only by choice would they read it so I can be free to share as much or as little as I wish.

Update.. I told my sister about this poem and writing and said that I wish to share with her. No reply for 9 days. So it appears my sister is not interested. I’m glad I approached her first.. I have peace to share here now.

It is sort of an indirect way but a comfortable way also its a necessity to express how I am feeling and I function better in every area of life when I can do this. Never intended as a direct message to anyone rather it is an expression of my heart about something that has been on my heart but in no other way have I been able to deal with it or move forward.. It is my way to face it I suppose.

I cannot sit down with a counselor or anyone much because of deafness.. I cannot deaf sign either so I cannot invite an interpreter to help in a counseling session or conversation. So I cannot really communicate well enough to get the full benefit of getting things out safely that way. It has to be where I can flow and also a safe place to do so. I used to be able to share easily but the flow dried up over the years when difficulties kept coming at me and I lost contact with so many people even though I have been active on social media. Art has been a salvation of sorts but you have to keep at it and there has been many days when I could not even be bothered doing that and it was mere survival art and creativity to keep myself active rather then my soul story working for me on a page to propel me forward or connect.

In case you think this is better said directly then written. I have tried many many times in the past to say how I feel. Our family like my parents and siblings we just don’t do private sharing amongst ourselves well I have not experienced it much its chit chat but for me never as deep as I need it to be. I do not know if that stems from our religious beliefs or that is just how we have always been. I know in Christian circles it seems to be a lack of faith or even that we have unforgiveness in our heart if we dare to speak of past things or ongoing struggles with people etc.. Between God and us or them only??? Of course deafness doesn’t help either.

Last year when I broke down one of the things I did was write things on a piece of paper.. Things I needed healing over and people I needed to forgive etc.. I did that then burnt it. I do believe I forgave people and I was surprised what came out of the inside of me.. BUT.. It appears to me that there is something more needed here.. I realise even if others can’t or do not wish it I need to connect and be open hearted and in some way have something come back to me I mean how can anyone build on intimacy or grow in a relationship where there is no give and take.. I feel even if nobody replies I am at least making an effort to keep speaking even if it stays one sided.

To speak or share with others or just being human that way I do not know but I have not found my place with even my own close loved ones and believe me I have been on my knees and crying praying much about it. I do know I am not perfect nor have followed the path of religion the same as many I know even my own close loved ones but it doesn’t mean I do not have faith or I do not wish to be interested in their personal lives..

I just express my faith and soul differently thats all.. But before God HE knows my heart on this I have been led by HIS Spirit and sense that GOD is leading and it may not be how everyone else would do it. Or think I should.. But before GOD I do find peace and strength and hope and help and support and HIS hearing me I worship in Spirit and truth rather then in a physical capacity so I suppose I do understand why people have lost touch.. I do find my joy here.. Deep sharing though does take a toll even when it is how you are created. Nothing was meant to be just for only one.. I felt exhausted after writing this & it’s been sitting since end of last month..

In Spirit I feel God and I can do impossible things.. I know God’s power in my weak state.. I believe God is with me and it gives me hope.. When you lose contact with everyone else though and how they worship and communicate and do it differently, it can feel a lonely road you travel.. But you know that the very reason you are surviving it and continuing to look up is because HE is empowering you otherwise you’d have collapsed a long time ago.

I do not know but heart sharing has always been my way forward and when I didn’t find an environment where I felt able or safe or not weeird in my doing so.. I kept things to myself or shared them online and started telling GOD everything.. I stepped backwards from all I once knew. My sister herself said I closed my heart but if I did it was not for lack of trying and I can honestly say before GOD my heart many many times was an open book and I was painfully honest to my own detriment publicly. Sharing openly online my heart was an open book perhaps that is why so many stepped back physically too because I was kind of bleeding and doing things differently and it was raw and radical at times.

I just got frustrated that it seemed to be I got to point that people didn’t want to hear it, couldn’t think of what to say back or I was failing to say things the right way.. I seriously don’t know why and I found less and less people to talk too and then meanwhile my hearing deteriorated? I mean I was truly in a world on my own.. The less you talk like others the harder it is to say it normally and the more you flouder when you do try.. impossible much.

Like a tap that has had no flow sometimes you need to turn it on and let the crap flush before a good steady stream comes flowing out of it once again. I feel exactly the same except its going to be murky and messy till I can find that flow again. I felt judged and unsafe and extremely awkward so it comes in spits and starts and well its not pretty like that or beautifully expressed and it is definitely not perfect.. as if it ever could be.. It’s not my truth either if I cannot be free to be myself and especially if I am not believed or I feel judged.. I clam up. I give up. I start to internalize it.

I know it is part of how I am created that I struggle with only daily chit chat and going on as if everything is rainbows and unicorns.. I cannot easily do it so if I desire deeper and healthy sharing and lets face it just sharing because that is who I am.. I flail to even be civil when someone is pushing on me but not really speaking anything I can relate too..

I hate that because I do not want to be mean and unkind and seem disinterested but if you have to talk about anything other then what’s in your heart it to me feels very fake.

Because in order to be me the tap needs running to flow again and if people won’t wait for it to clear well you never really get anywhere and I get that people do not want to be around a half hearted person or a full on person that is conversing in a different way then what they are used too..

My wish is that in my art my whole heart is seen and that I find connection this way and there may be some understanding.. Art has been extremely helpful in all of this a true and vital God send way to express what I can’t the normal ways..

And I do not think forgiveness just means period end of chapter either. Burn the book. Even resurrected Jesus has scars from what HE went through on behalf of mankind. It is normal to close the chapter yes and move forward to the next. But every chapter is a part of the whole story even if you burn that book or never reread it. Those things still happened and even if you forgive you never forget. Everything we go through is part of what brought us to this place in our life and made us who we are today.

I know I can find peace for extremely hard things this has been my salvation too. BUT I cannot find peace with anyone else if there is not a baseline of truth and I do not know why I sense this has not been the case with my sister and I maybe the only one that believes that in my heart because outwardly it can look so different and its not that I do not want peace or am struggling against making it.

My former husband fell out of love with me and told me this and although hard to hear I respected him very much for that. I could survive that. We have peace. This with my sister has been very different and in the most part unspeakable.

So I wrote this poem using a small magnetic kit that has very limited words etc.. I mean it’s not the usual kits I use where I have built up an extensive selection of words. It was a kit I bought at Spotlight that is smaller then my other magnetic poetry sets and has very basic type words..

But that it has fewer words was a challenge to say what I felt with limitations through this set I love love love that it came quite easily and it really says something to me that I have learned and grown through all this to express myself even through challenges and limitations.. I think that really says that the timing is right to write this and it all fits..

I have had to make incredibly hard choices to get to this place. I have felt alone. Unsupported. Unable to say easily how I feel and make connections that keep me socially relevant and given me the confidence to work through it. I feel I have been gagged a long long time at least in ways that I needed to feel believed and supported to heal and find my place in the world again especially amongst my own family.

At this point I have not felt heard by those who could have supported me and cared for my heart. If I had had that I do not believe this would have been such a long and lonely journey and I wouldn’t have so much to say. But in saying all this I know in the Kingdom of God nothing is wasted. No experience is beyond Gods capacity to use it for good.

Right after I finished writing that poem I noticed this little message displayed in my bedroom.. Image added below the poem which says..

This I believe that truth will set free. (Created by artist Mandy Steward)

And I know seeing this straight after I finished it that GOD is with me in this and although I so wish I could just go ahead like normal and say nothing more about the past.. just say hi how are you etc..

Ohh how I wish that were the case.. That I wasn’t the one to be messy, putting my heart out there AGAIN.. And I was this neat, normal little person who does things like everyone else and doesn’t stand out or make waves or think it was all about me when I never have but that the circumstances have made me cry out loudly and keep crying out to be heard..

Alas I can only be myself.. do as my heart is fitted to do and that is share my truth.. He knows.. I believe despite everything that I have done the best I knew to do under the circumstances and I am so glad I found a way forward which I believe HE has empowered me to do when I felt like there was no way forward. My deepest hope is I am met on this journey and there is peace on all sides and it is meaningful and beneficial for all concerned.

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A Gentle Soul

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If you are ever going to know someone personally.
If you are ever going to see a soul.
It is in how one expresses themselves.
And no. Not in how one dresses. Or in how one spends their time.
One is seen when the heart is expressing itself freely without fear.
It’s when you can best view the essence of ones spirit.

Soul flows best when one doesn’t expect it to be one way or another but just accept it as  it is. No force is needed.. its just natural and harmonious.
When we are fully living as we are created to be it invites us all to be at peace.
We all can enjoy our own individuality but also as each takes our rightful place in the circle of life we just fit better together.

How much I have loved creating this digital painting.
I cry even writing about this.
It is a painting of my son and I love him so.
He even helped me name this art piece.
Which I will further explain.
An art piece is as much about the artist as it is about the matter or person\subject painted and it is also as much about how the artist feels about it personally.. as to how it is portrayed.

I was letting my soul/spirit paint..

This young man. This beautiful young man.. This gentle soul is my second eldest son.. Yes I know I share him with his dad too but for the sake of my personal writing and feelings I will use my instead of our.

I also want to thank GOD.. I had started this art way back maybe 2 months ago?
I stopped as I do with many things I take on.. But last night and today I picked it up again.. And I have been determined to finish it.
I got very frustrated with parts of it that I have worked on over and over for ages..
To be honest I asked God for help.. I just couldn’t get it to go the way I wished.. I do not really think I have talent perse because I am lazy and I procrastinate so I do not deserve to have that said about me. But I can see that now it is finished I am happy and God somewhere along the way has come alongside of me and helped me that is obvious. I want to honor him by giving thanks!!
I really like it now and somewhere along the way I started doing different things and kept doing and redoing them till I was happy with it and I really love how it has turned out.

I added hot pink in it to show my spirit and soul working. I added gold and orange to show GODS vitality of spirit working with me and helping me bring forth the essence.

I believe Spirit in art and life is most important. I love the abstract bright colours so they just complete the background perfectly and make Keanu kinda shine.. To me it all resonates the absolute worth of acknowledging Spirit.. I’ve experienced it right here and now doing this art and writing and it just beautifully means everything fits together perfectly even if it appears imperfect..

Keanu is a beautiful soul. And yes my mother, his grandmother and I both agree a gentle soul.

He has not had it easy this year.. He doesn’t have a job and as I am on a disability pension, single mum, don’t have a paying job and no longer have dependent children. I too am on a very low income and you just cannot do the things everyone else does.. I understand how difficult it is not having a lot of cash and what one would call a standing in the community. People do look at you differently when you haven’t got much money and can even discredit you. It affects how you look, where you go, how you interact with others and how you leave your footprints in this world and I think even how you present yourself.
It means there is only so much you can do and you tend to withdraw from everything where you do not fit, can’t afford it and which also means people need to help you financially if you wish to interact with them..

I am so thankful for souls that have been so generous with me!!!

But in general I do not focus on my outward self very much which unfortunately also means I keep my physical self absent from many but on the upside expressively speaking I see my art in the world as also my presence. That probably doesn’t count the same to many though.

I don’t just want my art piece of Keanu to be something only for private viewing so art gives me a reason and a purpose to be somewhere and sharing it a reason to show up. This is where my heart can best be found.. I freely let my soul pour out here with many words that I just do not have the same liberty or ease to share deeply with anyone in the normal physical world. I actually need this.. like air to lungs.. or water to a parched desert.

I can even take heart in the hours of pouring myself into digital art, hours spent honing my writing and working my skills into what feels like a meaningful connection even though I am sitting alone in my bedroom…

Time and emotions are my commodity which is thankfully something I do have a lot of to give and as it has always been so with my creativity it is always such a joy to share it even when sometimes nobody is here reading and very little is flowing back to me.

To share ones creative heart to me is Spiritual life and I truly hope it’s not just a selfish one sided pursuit, but that it is a continual freely giving of myself and sharing my faith which will or does do something for even one other soul.. To me it feels a fullness that never ends once it starts flowing and I think it does vibrate my essence out into the world as only Spirit can and wonderfully internet takes all that I have to offer to even the other side of the world. I can’t wait till I finally come into what is actually happening in this creative journey because God doesn’t waste anything it all means something.. I just have not been privy to much greater meaning for it on a human level apart from the joy of sharing and some looking at it online and two very supportive online friends who’ve cared about my art/heart and writing through the years.

Online is where we gentle but passionate hearts can release all that burns inside when we don’t find anywhere and anyone physically to bring it forth too or even can in such a way as to be heard and seen daily..

You cannot gain a thing from the worth of a soul in just knowing the physical body until you start interacting with them and for us introverts we can take heart here cause what we lack in physically putting ourselves out there we can focus on the spiritual and there’s no barriers here and I don’t believe it’s for nothing..

That is why I can be at peace working on bringing Keanu’s spirit into digital art form and sharing my thoughts and feelings on it via this blog and I have given him a kind of vitality and beauty of soul realm that may perhaps look more perfect of form then I meant it too. But if you look closer you will see I also worked in sort of a scribbly detail too. The scribbles keep true to my kind of messy soul and roughness of life and the way life can be too.
And you can only see them when you view it up closely.. I think true value and worth has to not just be from first glance and especially not from others opinion but rather from a deeper introspection. It is also when you do not just see and judge the scribbles as imperfection but value them as part of the whole that makes one unique and I think all the more interesting.

Worth of soul only comes from knowing where true value lies and that is where God looks too and you really do grow to a much greater depth in life to partake of it. You can draw that essence deep into yourself. Not only noticing the outward but dwelling on the richness of what really matters.. Ones greatest treasure rises from within and if we give it wings and value it.. it brings a richness to everything else I think.. It is incredibly powerful to live from Spirit because this is the realm where God says the Kingdom of heaven is to be found.. In us.. Wow!!! I guess when it all boils down I hope my art shows this realm.. This realm which flows from within us and gives us so much abundance. The true value of a soul is found here!!!

The name of the painting isn’t just because Keanu is a gentle soul. It came from a conversation we both had not too long ago..

The other day I was asking him why not approach your dad who is manager of security at our local city hospital and even other major aged care units in the city too. As manager he is responsible for many security staff and is often looking out for new guards.. Often in the last few weeks and also at various times in the past he’s had to cover shifts on top of his normal busy job as manager when there isn’t enough staff.
I know hiring family is not the done thing, isn’t encouraged at all and hasn’t been an option.. But humanly I get so fed up sometimes that Keanu really needs work and they do at times require staff and his Dad IS the Manager. So to me it seems silly to not be considered when he is always available, able to work and also needs work?!?!

Anyway he said to me recently along these lines ((as a deaf person I cannot quote word for word EVER))

“Mum security work isn’t the sort of work I am interested in…”

I am like hmmm… impatiently and loudly emphasising the hmm

Both Keanu and his father get frustrated with me cause I have asked before and haven’t yet given up asking.. lol.. Security work of course does take a certain kind of person though. Not everyone is suited..

Keanu also added..

“But Mum..

I am a gentle soul…”

Ohh… be still my heart.. Yes Lol.. Of course he is..
I am much the same myself.. He is my son after all..

I smile.. And go ahhh yes of course Keanu.. I just love that he said that… that he says that about himself. It is so important to accept such things about ourselves such as being gentle etc

So yes I do understand you have to be a certain type of person to be in that line of work and yes I do agree being in this kind of work isn’t the best for gentle souls like us and YES… my son IS indeed a gentle soul.<3 ❤

…….

Take Courage My Heart

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I wish I could just do art and not go into it but sometimes I just need to explain some more.. I do not even know what it means till I look at it after I create it and then think about it some.. then it amazes me how meaningful it is.

I rarely if ever plan.

This art piece came to me in pieces. It is based off a photo. A photo that means a lot to me and I always knew I would want to do an art piece on it since I took it but yeah ask my youngest daughter I am never in a hurry.

The photo was taken on recent holidays to the beach. Family holiday that included my mother, brother, sister, both my siblings families and also my 5 children! It was a fantastic time!

The photo was taken on the last day after we had already left the accomodation and actually it was because for once in my life I made a plan and that is how everyone came to be there… Coffee at the beach cafe together before taking off for home!

I did not notice the pigeon at the time.. my sister did and told me. It was sitting on a ledge above the coffee house tables in an outdoor area where the family was sitting.

White birds appearing have been a thing for me. I see it as an encouragement from GOD. It is incredibly life affirming and personal for me…

Now the reason this one really inspired me to take a photo, do an art piece and write about it is…
That only moments before I saw it I had sent a friend request to my sister via face book. We had not been connected on face book for quite some time and for years have had a distant relationship.. At my request.

That is not something I care to explain in full in this writing. I will just say that it was something I felt strongly I needed to do.. I did not take it lightly but unfortunately I do not think many people understood my side or my feelings etc.. it actually made my life harder in many ways.. But I do take pride in the fact I stood up against things that were hurting my soul and causing me harm.. I do believe I have healed up with Gods help and because I did not do the easy thing but stood against it God has rewarded me..

For all that I lost God gave me greater gains.. one of those things has been taking a whole new path in art expression which has really been birthed out of a long and difficult period of my life..

I have found my peace perse about it. And will add that I had for awhile desired to change things but it didn’t seem the right time and it was on this holiday I decided it was the right time..

And therefore that is why I decided to add my sister back on my face book and it was my quiet way to take a step towards reconciliation and strangely nobody has said anything at all about it since lol but that is very normal.

At this point only moments later my sister saw the bird.. I also added a small message to say that I thought we should keep the momentum of the holiday going but that it was totally her choice to add or not add me back.

I had simply done all this while quietly sitting at the table surrounded by family typing it out on my iPhone before hitting send.. It was actually quite a huge thing for me because Face book is a place where I can communicate without deafness robbing from me and it’s been my safe place..

But nobody noticed and that has been the way it has been all along.. I for the most part have had to deal with it alone.

So perhaps there is significance in this quiet and gentle way I dealt with it. Humanly I have no idea why nobody talks about such things but we just don’t.

I do not think Shell (nickname for Rachelle) would have even seen the request at the time and didn’t appear too for a little while after perhaps even the next day I cannot remember now.

The encouragement for me was almost straight after I made that deliberate choice Shell saw the white pigeon and told me.

I had seen a similar white pigeon on a ledge of the Darwin hospital way back in 2007 when baby Tyler was in NICU which encouraged me then too.. I think I was 6 floors up at that time..

So to see this bird after I made a huge personal choice to seek peace seemed to me a sign from GOD it was indeed the very right time.

So my art today is symbolic of GODS Spirit and presence with me and to me it’s absolutely crucial to inspire me to keep looking up and not at what is or what is not happening.. Seeing that HE is helping me when I most need it. And too of course that my sister showed me the white bird resonates that even our enemies will be at peace with us.. Not that I call or ever called my sister an enemy but I know the enemy of souls uses people close to us to cause us harm.. And the enemy has certainly tested me to the extreme limits through a few close relationships and it hasn’t only been testing that’s come via my sister but with myself and her it got to the point I just broke down because the spirit I struggled with in a previous close relationship was attacking me through her as well. It was too similar and I couldn’t bear up under it any more.

Definitely seeing this bird at such a time shows me HIS peace and that I can trust the decision I made.. HE has never made me feel wrong in taking the stand I did rather people made me feel wrong.. I felt peace thankfully even when so many appeared to turn their backs on me and I lost support that perhaps could have helped me find strength and fortitude much much sooner..

I was broken.. and I needed to heal.. But true healing can only really come through God alone.

But I cannot keep looking backwards and surmise as it does not do one any good.. I tend to move forward and simply let go and let God.. The sign to me I was doing the right thing at the right time even despite the hardships has always been peace in my spirit.. I have never lost that since this moment above, nor have I felt anxious! I just tend to look to God not people.

There was a light bulb lit just like this below the bird on the day and in the photo too of course.. which I so love that I can capture this in my art piece.. His light with me. His presence and also symbolic that my prayer and heart cry has always been for my light to so shine and I believe for all that has happened the darkness has definitely not overcome me!!!

A very good sign to have the light shining in this art piece and it symbolizes that GOD has always been my guide and always will be and HE will take care of all things that have not been addressed re my past and that seemed an invisible battle to almost everyone and that nobody even seems to have noticed much then or now… but I take heart that they are certainly important to HIM and I can find complete rest for all things.

And wonderfully I want to and can share it now.. even if nobody knows the greater why..

One last note.. it is also my wedding anniversary today or would have been.

29 years since I married on this very date.. 10 years of being single ohh lol.. which is not so fun.. it’s hard I get lonely.. I find it hard at times seeing others celebrating love and all that and keep it to myself now cause I do not wish to take away any of someone else’s good feelings..

I wanted to stay married but my then husband did not.. it worked out though as we were not happy together and we are better friends now.. I’m just thinking about the date today and all that it means to me.. nobody has said anything.. just me thinking so this art piece comforts me today too.. God was with me in my past, is with me now in my present, & He is also already in my future so I can cherish the peace I experience and treasure these moments in my heart and from all this my heart takes courage..

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Prepare

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My thoughts.. Malachi 3:1

Many of the best photos I’ve taken of my family are when it’s spur of the moment.. especially when they aren’t expecting it.. When it’s just me caught up in capturing small moments anytime and anyway I can..

Posing and planning doesn’t really work best for me unless that’s what I have in mind. My kids are older and they don’t want many photos anymore and they can get really annoyed at my efforts.. So natural photos caught unawares are the best because I don’t have to plan them.. They are spontaneous.. but I do have to be ready to capture them though..

I’m so glad in life God has already done the preparing before me as I am personally very disorganised. Even when I’m aware I’m often unaware and just don’t think of things.. I get distracted so easily and I often miss the best timing because I’m so scatter brained..

Thinking about Advent and all I can think of is how unprepared I am..

I don’t often easily see God in my ordinary every day scatter brain life till the moment has passed..

Like these footprints that appear clearly to stretch out before my daughter in this photo. They definitely didn’t stand out to me beforehand till I used a photo ap and played around with it..

Now they appear almost like magic to me as a distinct trail going before us!!!

At the time the photo was taken my daughter was not seeing that trail and neither was I.. Yet we both seemed to be following it without realising..

It’s moments like this I see God best when I’m not trying.. I actually have been thinking about this word ‘Prepare’ for days and struggled to come up with anything!! Yet wasn’t till I stopped trying and just relaxed into it that the ideas started to open to me.. I did a search online for either Greek or Hebrew meaning of the word prepare in that verse lol.. Blew my mind because it actually means something different than you think.. that’s another topic altogether 🙂

Topics like this I float away on easily.. sometimes I confess I don’t come back..

Reminds me how I need not to worry about myself so much. It all still works out in the end just later than everyone else.

Like this photo because in some miraculous way I can still be in the right moment and if I work with it inspiration comes flowing with it too!

Gives one incredible hope doesn’t it!!!

For now and always.. that God is with us not just when we think about HIM or are aware but always.. AND even scatterbrains.. Miracle right here 😍..

God knows we all can get distracted this time of year and some of us worse than others.. God also knows we can so easily fail to notice HIM as we could.. yet HE has already gone before us and it’s in simple awareness we awaken to HIS presence.

Jesus says HE is the way, the truth and the life and despite everything else going on or not going on. HE has already prepared the way ahead of each of us.. The wonder is HE is the way and despite ourselves and where we might be in life or how we are.. If we will just acknowledge HIM even though we may not see or feel HIM with us.

HE leads us..

My Life

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A month of paying attention August Break 2017

I Crave

I crave Art Supplies to Art Journal & create special occasion cards!!! These are some of my newest.. Copics which are expensive so a few every now and again (can refill them),  clear stamps I bought bulk through a local face book group so decided to stamp them all in a note book so I can easily see what I have.. Planner girl stamps by Angie Blom bought at Unity Stamps shipped from USA cause I got extra money around Tax time.. So thankful.. World Stamp from Riot Art on sale.. 

Stamps are forever they are my absolute favourite.. 



Vintage

I think my kids probably think I’m vintage now ha ha.. they remind me I’m nearly 50.. half a century..  

I really wish these were the ones handed down to me from my Grandma.. but alas I was given some when she passed away and as a younger woman didn’t value them.. 😦

I gave them away.. I bought these locally in recent years because they remind me of countless cups of tea with home made scones I had with Grandma and they are beautiful. 

Grandma had a tiny little kitchen but still managed to create scrumptious home cooked meals which were always served with a cup of tea in a dainty little cup & saucer.. 

Here is my Grandma Jones holding our youngest daughter Zali (who is now 16)  whom thankfully she got to meet & hold before she went to heaven. 




Confessions 

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A month of paying attention August Break 2017

One Wish

That I could speak truthfully about everything without fear, without guilt, without shame.. Being fully myself without censoring & I’m getting there slowly.. 

Journal page created as part of a course I’m doing called [Journaling Into the Deep] by Jen Morris Creative..  clearing emotional clutter.. 



Love Notes

From my children.. whom are my life, my breath, my heart. Precious oh so precious.. So very thankful to God I am a mother.. ❤

A month of paying attention

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Away for a few days so playing catch up. Posting pictures every day of August.. this is for the 3rd of August to today the 5th of August. See earlier posts for link with more information.. 

Roses are not in season/bloom in our part of the world. 

Roses
Would a rose by any other name still smell as sweet? 


Where I live 

Winter starkness.. Two children & I house share with my parents; Uncle lives in a camper van on the property too.. I’m a single mother on a disability pension.. So it means my family have more money to spend.. overheads are much cheaper.. We live at the back of this house which is a big house.. sharing kitchen & laundry.. my parents live at the front.. 

Bicycle 

Visiting oldest son with youngest daughter who lives in Melbourne for a few days so this was taken today on our little break away.. Lots of city people ride bicycles & I couldn’t help getting a bit of street art in too because this suburb of Fitzroy is well known for it. 

Journal prompts: Goodbye 2016

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Journal prompts: Goodbye 2016


What were the most significant events of the year past? List the top three.
Definitely Zali (15) going to Japan was the biggest event. Also seeing how the money came in from family and friends that was lovely. I am so proud of how hard Zali worked towards it with her first job and doing fund raising. The whole experience I think life changing and I feel our family kind of came together and made us closer to one another.
As for the other top events. Doing the Soul Restoration course not so long ago has really helped me. Unfortunately I couldn’t finish it because I didn’t have enough money to keep enrolled but I will go back and finish. I have felt freer than in a long time. Got stuff out of inside of me I didn’t even know was there. Hard, but oh so necessary. Opened up the vault of hurt inside which I had no idea was still there as much as it was. I feel more peaceful generally, freer and I have seen the relationship with my sister change. More able to hear the Spirit I think. My truth teller.
Perhaps the other is doing the Auslan class that was a biggie for me. I was very anxious. The time with my SIL was perhaps the nicest of all. I just haven’t spent much time with any one person in the flesh like that in a long time. I really do think and hope I can continue on learning it even on my own at home. I didn’t go on with it with Lisa. The offer was there. Mainly because I don’t have anyone to practice with and it didn’t seem right to spend the money on something I wasn’t and haven’t been able to use. I don’t see Lisa either any other time. It wasn’t on my heart to do it. But I can see that it is helpful if I did meet others who learn it. Just haven’t yet.
Describe 2016 in one sentence: It was long, and at times extremely lonely and unproductive (a troubled relationship with my sister and living in the family home truly backed me into a corner) but art expression and faithful on-line friend Dustin, a good relationship with Justin and my kids have kept me alive and kicking.
This year I’m most grateful for… answered it in the last sentence. I am grateful for Dustin, Justin ha ha. Children. Amy-lisa. Art. Social Media. Blogging. Vampire Diaries. Daydreams. Coffee. Lord with me. Finding inspiration and surrounding myself with it. People who gave to Zali. Face book friends who just loved me and let me be me. Instagram. My phone. Kelly-Rae Roberts course. Soul Restoration course. People who communicate with me in a way that works for me. People who text. Zali especially who helps me with more than any other with my deafness and just helping me. She gets me and makes me cry even to write this. The times I could do good things for others.
My biggest achievement this year was… to keep going. To keep faith. Not to give up.
This year I got really excited about… Art Journaling. Cutting out. A bit of paint. Glue stick. Making pages that speak to you and you just add what speaks to you to a blank page. You can share it after wards on social media. You can share your heart and feelings and its kept me going. I was able to create a few things through the year to give people which was lovely. Combining spirituality, faith, personal opinions, struggles, truth, joy etc
This year I was most inspired by… Amylisa, Bridgette, Mandy, Avery, Jen, Dustin..
My greatest challenge this year was… Keeping focused. Lots of times I just sat. I had no motivation for anything. It is any wonder I did not shut down but I didn’t thank YOU LORD. I kinda lost contact with the outside world or it felt like it. Sometimes all I had is just my stubborn faith and nothing more.
I need forgive myself for… shutting down. I let people or lack of people turn me almost completely inwards. Which is a blessing cause GODS Spirit is in there.. But you tend to fall through the cracks and lose the ability to communicate at all..
My biggest piece of unfinished business from this year is… There would be too many to mention. Biggest would be I am disappointed I did not journal my way through. Dear God I might even have had a best seller book by now lol. Low points make for interesting stories don’t they?? Also I think there is tons of room for me to restore relationships again. When I fell, I lost contact with so many, almost everyone.
The greatest lesson I’ve learned this year is… I am not alone. Ever. Period. And I am Approved of by GOD even if I did nothing more or all things I had done good were suddenly erased. I am still approved of by HIM.. Beloved.
How have you grown as a person this past year? How are you different this year than last? This is the strangest thing I have found out. That I through this last year can tangibly sense faith more in myself and in other people. I don’t know that I can explain it. Relying more on Spirit than flesh that’s for sure and in that realm there is expansion and freedom and joy and ease except that in this flesh realm or world. Its not the usual measuring standard. So by worldly standards I am nothing basically. But in spiritual realms I can honestly say that I am going ahead in leaps and bounds.
This year I wish I had done more… Reading. Journaling the raw stuff. I could see that the raw stuff makes a person breathe in and out more and flow better. Gets things out of them.
I wish I had done less… Playing games on my phone. Hoarding. Shutting down. Sitting. Losing myself watching dvd series or just mindlessly watching tv.
What was the best way you used your time this past year? Anything creative is always good. The few times I connected with people more than normal was lovely. When I shared my heart despite the lack of feedback and it flowed. I fist pumped every time. I am so thankful to GOD because what happens after I put it out there in the world is totally in HIS hands. There were some really great times I spent talking with Dustin. Hours went by, both present even across the world. Incredible. Family nights where I stay with Justin and the kids for a meal once a week. It has become someone to go and a kind of weekly thing. Just really nice time together. I would truly miss them if they stopped. Peace with him is a miracle. Priceless. He has actually become more understanding/patient with my hearing loss which has been surprising. Moreso than my own blood family.
If you had more time to invest in this past year, what would you do with it? Probably take that time to just remember and reflect and perhaps keep some more of that stored somewhere wether that be art wise, journal or whatever. I cannot go back but if I could I don’t think I would know how best to fill in those times anyway. I want to move forward. Leave it behind me. Live different. Invest some more in other people.
If I could redo 2016, I would… Obviously in the times I sat. I would un-sit lol and read, write, walk, tidy etc anything but sit unless it was productive.
Write a letter to the you from the start of last year. What advice would you give yourself? Talk more to GOD because you kinda gave that up more than ever before in the past. Just talk don’t try to make it more a prayer. HE listens always even if you feel you are talking to yourself. Pick up a book and read when you cannot think of anything else to do. Throw some stuff out. Art journal even if you feel like crap. Find the Soul Restoration course online and start January 1st. Lean more on the few people who are around.
If 2016 was a book, what would the title be? Name some of the chapters. She breathes. HE loves her always. Hidden heart keep speaking. Speak the truth even if your voice shakes. My Story is important. Lord with her. She is never alone.
Did you have a guiding word or guiding values for 2016? How did it serve you? How did it challenge you? Confidence was my word it hardly seems it above lol but it was a good word because if you lived according to how you feel, how others treated you, how many were around you, your circumstances, what you believed about yourself or situation, your accomplishments you would surely be defeated. But having this word under-girded me. I am confident. I got through and if I think about how difficult it was. That is a huge achievement right here. I got through.
The biggest gifts of 2016 were… Encouragement and loyalty of friends. Sun rays that appeared so often in the sky no matter what time of day I walked usually evening/afternoon. My children and unconditional love wherever it came from. Gorgeous sunsets. Parents providing for children and I. Time with Justin and the kids in any form. Found gifts here and there at op shops. Bargains that inspired me and right timing. Zali going to Japan, generosity of those who helped her and that the other children supported her. Expressive arts and art journaling. Zali’s help and knowing my heart. Seeing Talitha graduate and move out into a lovely new apartment. Seeing our relationship change what a blessing that has been. She also starts next year with exactly the job she wants in March when she is over her graduate year. That is a top year event too.. Keanu made some life changes and is happy with girlfriend Anna. Seb’s visits home are always special events and he works so hard and keeps going. Conner being here with me and becoming an adult turning 18. I am so grateful for all my children.. They are the best gifts ever. ❤ ❤

I found these prompts.. Thank you Jen..

Journal prompts: Goodbye 2016 (Jen Morris)

Facing Fear..

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DAY 23 – DAILY PROMPT:
In exquisite detail, write about your biggest fear. Dive as deeply into it as possible, explore what about it scares you, why it scares you, how it scares you, what it makes you feel when it is scaring you. Haps, if you explain it deeply enough, the power it holds over you will be loosened.
As Dumbledore once said, “fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.” Give your fear a name and sing it loud.
Biggest fear… That nothing I do makes any difference at all. Nobody notices or really cares.

I can easily do what I do quite happily. I suppose because I do not work for money. Raising children yes. But not a job perse. You feel like what you are doing is not worth anything. It’s not that I need validation though its nice when you get it. It’s just I want to feel like I matter to someone other than just being a mother, sister, aunt or friend etc.. Ok people say I care. Which I am thankful for. But in my every day life nobody is seeking me out at home. Ok I am not one to seek others out either so perhaps that cancels this need or desire out. But it is so easy to write oneself out of the big picture. One day your life will flash across a church projector and a few loving souls will stand up and say how much they loved you. To me that is lame. I understand people do it and apparently having a lovely service filled with nice memories, a line up of souls to speak beautifully immortalizes that loved one and helps people say goodbye and grieve.

But most of us need that attention in the here and now and some of us more than others. I would much rather it here and now. I have so little energy for much these days. Making myself write because it is good for me and at the very least I am saying something somewhere.

Relationships are hard work aren’t they. Yet I am loving a TV program right now. “I am a Celebrity get me out of here..” And oh boy how I wish I could do this with a group of people even a few who are blood relatives. Apart from the difficulties they face in the African jungle with heat, not much food, trials that test them, being away from familiar comforts and family. They are developing close bonds with each other because they are forced together and to make it work you have to think of the other tribe mates around you. How I wish some people I know could benefit from this sort of close living where you had to rely on each other and get to really know the other people. How it would change the distance that eludes and robs us of so much. I just see that the way we are living isn’t really connecting us.

I can understand how it feels that I am not cared for and it’s perhaps how others feel too? But how does one change things? How do you in the normal every day life get closer to each other? Sometimes people have shut doors quite clearly to me. It seems they do not really want or value or need my company. I know that works two ways. But how do you change it? How do you get up one day and show you care in a way that makes the other person feel it and start to open their heart to you?

I don’t know. I love writing and I am glad I did it today. Fear squeezes out hope and strength but also makes you have to do something to either escape it or face it. It belittles you and raises its ugly head and says nothing you do will make a difference so why waste your breath and thoughts trying. You lose face or you have a go at beating it.

To face this fear I suppose I need to do something towards others. I cannot wait for the mountain to come to Mohammad. I have to be Mohammad and move towards the mountain. Show others I am interested in their lives. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. It doesn’t mean it will come back to me but it means I have done something to bring about a change or to open a door towards inviting deeper connections.

It may not mean people ask me about my daily life, writing, art or thoughts. 🙂 It has never really been about that it’s more deeper  connections I seek. It’s funny how this fear has turned right around as I wrote about it. So that now I am facing not others or lack of others but facing myself. I am looking at what I can do to put myself in the best place for people to see that I do care. It is indeed making the difference.. Ha ha.. Full circle.. Who’d of thought that through my writing the answer would appear.