Category Archives: Family

A Gentle Soul

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If you are ever going to know someone personally.
If you are ever going to see a soul.
It is in how one expresses themselves.
And no. Not in how one dresses. Or in how one spends their time.
One is seen when the heart is expressing itself freely without fear.
It’s when you can best view the essence of ones spirit.

Soul flows best when one doesn’t expect it to be one way or another but just accept it as  it is. No force is needed.. its just natural and harmonious.
When we are fully living as we are created to be it invites us all to be at peace.
We all can enjoy our own individuality but also as each takes our rightful place in the circle of life we just fit better together.

How much I have loved creating this digital painting.
I cry even writing about this.
It is a painting of my son and I love him so.
He even helped me name this art piece.
Which I will further explain.
An art piece is as much about the artist as it is about the matter or person\subject painted and it is also as much about how the artist feels about it personally.. as to how it is portrayed.

I was letting my soul/spirit paint..

This young man. This beautiful young man.. This gentle soul is my second eldest son.. Yes I know I share him with his dad too but for the sake of my personal writing and feelings I will use my instead of our.

I also want to thank GOD.. I had started this art way back maybe 2 months ago?
I stopped as I do with many things I take on.. But last night and today I picked it up again.. And I have been determined to finish it.
I got very frustrated with parts of it that I have worked on over and over for ages..
To be honest I asked God for help.. I just couldn’t get it to go the way I wished.. I do not really think I have talent perse because I am lazy and I procrastinate so I do not deserve to have that said about me. But I can see that now it is finished I am happy and God somewhere along the way has come alongside of me and helped me that is obvious. I want to honor him by giving thanks!!
I really like it now and somewhere along the way I started doing different things and kept doing and redoing them till I was happy with it and I really love how it has turned out.

I added hot pink in it to show my spirit and soul working. I added gold and orange to show GODS vitality of spirit working with me and helping me bring forth the essence.

I believe Spirit in art and life is most important. I love the abstract bright colours so they just complete the background perfectly and make Keanu kinda shine.. To me it all resonates the absolute worth of acknowledging Spirit.. I’ve experienced it right here and now doing this art and writing and it just beautifully means everything fits together perfectly even if it appears imperfect..

Keanu is a beautiful soul. And yes my mother, his grandmother and I both agree a gentle soul.

He has not had it easy this year.. He doesn’t have a job and as I am on a disability pension, single mum, don’t have a paying job and no longer have dependent children. I too am on a very low income and you just cannot do the things everyone else does.. I understand how difficult it is not having a lot of cash and what one would call a standing in the community. People do look at you differently when you haven’t got much money and can even discredit you. It affects how you look, where you go, how you interact with others and how you leave your footprints in this world and I think even how you present yourself.
It means there is only so much you can do and you tend to withdraw from everything where you do not fit, can’t afford it and which also means people need to help you financially if you wish to interact with them..

I am so thankful for souls that have been so generous with me!!!

But in general I do not focus on my outward self very much which unfortunately also means I keep my physical self absent from many but on the upside expressively speaking I see my art in the world as also my presence. That probably doesn’t count the same to many though.

I don’t just want my art piece of Keanu to be something only for private viewing so art gives me a reason and a purpose to be somewhere and sharing it a reason to show up. This is where my heart can best be found.. I freely let my soul pour out here with many words that I just do not have the same liberty or ease to share deeply with anyone in the normal physical world. I actually need this.. like air to lungs.. or water to a parched desert.

I can even take heart in the hours of pouring myself into digital art, hours spent honing my writing and working my skills into what feels like a meaningful connection even though I am sitting alone in my bedroom…

Time and emotions are my commodity which is thankfully something I do have a lot of to give and as it has always been so with my creativity it is always such a joy to share it even when sometimes nobody is here reading and very little is flowing back to me.

To share ones creative heart to me is Spiritual life and I truly hope it’s not just a selfish one sided pursuit, but that it is a continual freely giving of myself and sharing my faith which will or does do something for even one other soul.. To me it feels a fullness that never ends once it starts flowing and I think it does vibrate my essence out into the world as only Spirit can and wonderfully internet takes all that I have to offer to even the other side of the world. I can’t wait till I finally come into what is actually happening in this creative journey because God doesn’t waste anything it all means something.. I just have not been privy to much greater meaning for it on a human level apart from the joy of sharing and some looking at it online and two very supportive online friends who’ve cared about my art/heart and writing through the years.

Online is where we gentle but passionate hearts can release all that burns inside when we don’t find anywhere and anyone physically to bring it forth too or even can in such a way as to be heard and seen daily..

You cannot gain a thing from the worth of a soul in just knowing the physical body until you start interacting with them and for us introverts we can take heart here cause what we lack in physically putting ourselves out there we can focus on the spiritual and there’s no barriers here and I don’t believe it’s for nothing..

That is why I can be at peace working on bringing Keanu’s spirit into digital art form and sharing my thoughts and feelings on it via this blog and I have given him a kind of vitality and beauty of soul realm that may perhaps look more perfect of form then I meant it too. But if you look closer you will see I also worked in sort of a scribbly detail too. The scribbles keep true to my kind of messy soul and roughness of life and the way life can be too.
And you can only see them when you view it up closely.. I think true value and worth has to not just be from first glance and especially not from others opinion but rather from a deeper introspection. It is also when you do not just see and judge the scribbles as imperfection but value them as part of the whole that makes one unique and I think all the more interesting.

Worth of soul only comes from knowing where true value lies and that is where God looks too and you really do grow to a much greater depth in life to partake of it. You can draw that essence deep into yourself. Not only noticing the outward but dwelling on the richness of what really matters.. Ones greatest treasure rises from within and if we give it wings and value it.. it brings a richness to everything else I think.. It is incredibly powerful to live from Spirit because this is the realm where God says the Kingdom of heaven is to be found.. In us.. Wow!!! I guess when it all boils down I hope my art shows this realm.. This realm which flows from within us and gives us so much abundance. The true value of a soul is found here!!!

The name of the painting isn’t just because Keanu is a gentle soul. It came from a conversation we both had not too long ago..

The other day I was asking him why not approach your dad who is manager of security at our local city hospital and even other major aged care units in the city too. As manager he is responsible for many security staff and is often looking out for new guards.. Often in the last few weeks and also at various times in the past he’s had to cover shifts on top of his normal busy job as manager when there isn’t enough staff.
I know hiring family is not the done thing, isn’t encouraged at all and hasn’t been an option.. But humanly I get so fed up sometimes that Keanu really needs work and they do at times require staff and his Dad IS the Manager. So to me it seems silly to not be considered when he is always available, able to work and also needs work?!?!

Anyway he said to me recently along these lines ((as a deaf person I cannot quote word for word EVER))

“Mum security work isn’t the sort of work I am interested in…”

I am like hmmm… impatiently and loudly emphasising the hmm

Both Keanu and his father get frustrated with me cause I have asked before and haven’t yet given up asking.. lol.. Security work of course does take a certain kind of person though. Not everyone is suited..

Keanu also added..

“But Mum..

I am a gentle soul…”

Ohh… be still my heart.. Yes Lol.. Of course he is..
I am much the same myself.. He is my son after all..

I smile.. And go ahhh yes of course Keanu.. I just love that he said that… that he says that about himself. It is so important to accept such things about ourselves such as being gentle etc

So yes I do understand you have to be a certain type of person to be in that line of work and yes I do agree being in this kind of work isn’t the best for gentle souls like us and YES… my son IS indeed a gentle soul.<3 ❤

…….

Take Courage My Heart

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I wish I could just do art and not go into it but sometimes I just need to explain some more.. I do not even know what it means till I look at it after I create it and then think about it some.. then it amazes me how meaningful it is.

I rarely if ever plan.

This art piece came to me in pieces. It is based off a photo. A photo that means a lot to me and I always knew I would want to do an art piece on it since I took it but yeah ask my youngest daughter I am never in a hurry.

The photo was taken on recent holidays to the beach. Family holiday that included my mother, brother, sister, both my siblings families and also my 5 children! It was a fantastic time!

The photo was taken on the last day after we had already left the accomodation and actually it was because for once in my life I made a plan and that is how everyone came to be there… Coffee at the beach cafe together before taking off for home!

I did not notice the pigeon at the time.. my sister did and told me. It was sitting on a ledge above the coffee house tables in an outdoor area where the family was sitting.

White birds appearing have been a thing for me. I see it as an encouragement from GOD. It is incredibly life affirming and personal for me…

Now the reason this one really inspired me to take a photo, do an art piece and write about it is…
That only moments before I saw it I had sent a friend request to my sister via face book. We had not been connected on face book for quite some time and for years have had a distant relationship.. At my request.

That is not something I care to explain in full in this writing. I will just say that it was something I felt strongly I needed to do.. I did not take it lightly but unfortunately I do not think many people understood my side or my feelings etc.. it actually made my life harder in many ways.. But I do take pride in the fact I stood up against things that were hurting my soul and causing me harm.. I do believe I have healed up with Gods help and because I did not do the easy thing but stood against it God has rewarded me..

For all that I lost God gave me greater gains.. one of those things has been taking a whole new path in art expression which has really been birthed out of a long and difficult period of my life..

I have found my peace perse about it. And will add that I had for awhile desired to change things but it didn’t seem the right time and it was on this holiday I decided it was the right time..

And therefore that is why I decided to add my sister back on my face book and it was my quiet way to take a step towards reconciliation and strangely nobody has said anything at all about it since lol but that is very normal.

At this point only moments later my sister saw the bird.. I also added a small message to say that I thought we should keep the momentum of the holiday going but that it was totally her choice to add or not add me back.

I had simply done all this while quietly sitting at the table surrounded by family typing it out on my iPhone before hitting send.. It was actually quite a huge thing for me because Face book is a place where I can communicate without deafness robbing from me and it’s been my safe place..

But nobody noticed and that has been the way it has been all along.. I for the most part have had to deal with it alone.

So perhaps there is significance in this quiet and gentle way I dealt with it. Humanly I have no idea why nobody talks about such things but we just don’t.

I do not think Shell (nickname for Rachelle) would have even seen the request at the time and didn’t appear too for a little while after perhaps even the next day I cannot remember now.

The encouragement for me was almost straight after I made that deliberate choice Shell saw the white pigeon and told me.

I had seen a similar white pigeon on a ledge of the Darwin hospital way back in 2007 when baby Tyler was in NICU which encouraged me then too.. I think I was 6 floors up at that time..

So to see this bird after I made a huge personal choice to seek peace seemed to me a sign from GOD it was indeed the very right time.

So my art today is symbolic of GODS Spirit and presence with me and to me it’s absolutely crucial to inspire me to keep looking up and not at what is or what is not happening.. Seeing that HE is helping me when I most need it. And too of course that my sister showed me the white bird resonates that even our enemies will be at peace with us.. Not that I call or ever called my sister an enemy but I know the enemy of souls uses people close to us to cause us harm.. And the enemy has certainly tested me to the extreme limits through a few close relationships and it hasn’t only been testing that’s come via my sister but with myself and her it got to the point I just broke down because the spirit I struggled with in a previous close relationship was attacking me through her as well. It was too similar and I couldn’t bear up under it any more.

Definitely seeing this bird at such a time shows me HIS peace and that I can trust the decision I made.. HE has never made me feel wrong in taking the stand I did rather people made me feel wrong.. I felt peace thankfully even when so many appeared to turn their backs on me and I lost support that perhaps could have helped me find strength and fortitude much much sooner..

I was broken.. and I needed to heal.. But true healing can only really come through God alone.

But I cannot keep looking backwards and surmise as it does not do one any good.. I tend to move forward and simply let go and let God.. The sign to me I was doing the right thing at the right time even despite the hardships has always been peace in my spirit.. I have never lost that since this moment above, nor have I felt anxious! I just tend to look to God not people.

There was a light bulb lit just like this below the bird on the day and in the photo too of course.. which I so love that I can capture this in my art piece.. His light with me. His presence and also symbolic that my prayer and heart cry has always been for my light to so shine and I believe for all that has happened the darkness has definitely not overcome me!!!

A very good sign to have the light shining in this art piece and it symbolizes that GOD has always been my guide and always will be and HE will take care of all things that have not been addressed re my past and that seemed an invisible battle to almost everyone and that nobody even seems to have noticed much then or now… but I take heart that they are certainly important to HIM and I can find complete rest for all things.

And wonderfully I want to and can share it now.. even if nobody knows the greater why..

One last note.. it is also my wedding anniversary today or would have been.

29 years since I married on this very date.. 10 years of being single ohh lol.. which is not so fun.. it’s hard I get lonely.. I find it hard at times seeing others celebrating love and all that and keep it to myself now cause I do not wish to take away any of someone else’s good feelings..

I wanted to stay married but my then husband did not.. it worked out though as we were not happy together and we are better friends now.. I’m just thinking about the date today and all that it means to me.. nobody has said anything.. just me thinking so this art piece comforts me today too.. God was with me in my past, is with me now in my present, & He is also already in my future so I can cherish the peace I experience and treasure these moments in my heart and from all this my heart takes courage..

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Prepare

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My thoughts.. Malachi 3:1

Many of the best photos I’ve taken of my family are when it’s spur of the moment.. especially when they aren’t expecting it.. When it’s just me caught up in capturing small moments anytime and anyway I can..

Posing and planning doesn’t really work best for me unless that’s what I have in mind. My kids are older and they don’t want many photos anymore and they can get really annoyed at my efforts.. So natural photos caught unawares are the best because I don’t have to plan them.. They are spontaneous.. but I do have to be ready to capture them though..

I’m so glad in life God has already done the preparing before me as I am personally very disorganised. Even when I’m aware I’m often unaware and just don’t think of things.. I get distracted so easily and I often miss the best timing because I’m so scatter brained..

Thinking about Advent and all I can think of is how unprepared I am..

I don’t often easily see God in my ordinary every day scatter brain life till the moment has passed..

Like these footprints that appear clearly to stretch out before my daughter in this photo. They definitely didn’t stand out to me beforehand till I used a photo ap and played around with it..

Now they appear almost like magic to me as a distinct trail going before us!!!

At the time the photo was taken my daughter was not seeing that trail and neither was I.. Yet we both seemed to be following it without realising..

It’s moments like this I see God best when I’m not trying.. I actually have been thinking about this word ‘Prepare’ for days and struggled to come up with anything!! Yet wasn’t till I stopped trying and just relaxed into it that the ideas started to open to me.. I did a search online for either Greek or Hebrew meaning of the word prepare in that verse lol.. Blew my mind because it actually means something different than you think.. that’s another topic altogether 🙂

Topics like this I float away on easily.. sometimes I confess I don’t come back..

Reminds me how I need not to worry about myself so much. It all still works out in the end just later than everyone else.

Like this photo because in some miraculous way I can still be in the right moment and if I work with it inspiration comes flowing with it too!

Gives one incredible hope doesn’t it!!!

For now and always.. that God is with us not just when we think about HIM or are aware but always.. AND even scatterbrains.. Miracle right here 😍..

God knows we all can get distracted this time of year and some of us worse than others.. God also knows we can so easily fail to notice HIM as we could.. yet HE has already gone before us and it’s in simple awareness we awaken to HIS presence.

Jesus says HE is the way, the truth and the life and despite everything else going on or not going on. HE has already prepared the way ahead of each of us.. The wonder is HE is the way and despite ourselves and where we might be in life or how we are.. If we will just acknowledge HIM even though we may not see or feel HIM with us.

HE leads us..

My Life

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A month of paying attention August Break 2017

I Crave

I crave Art Supplies to Art Journal & create special occasion cards!!! These are some of my newest.. Copics which are expensive so a few every now and again (can refill them),  clear stamps I bought bulk through a local face book group so decided to stamp them all in a note book so I can easily see what I have.. Planner girl stamps by Angie Blom bought at Unity Stamps shipped from USA cause I got extra money around Tax time.. So thankful.. World Stamp from Riot Art on sale.. 

Stamps are forever they are my absolute favourite.. 



Vintage

I think my kids probably think I’m vintage now ha ha.. they remind me I’m nearly 50.. half a century..  

I really wish these were the ones handed down to me from my Grandma.. but alas I was given some when she passed away and as a younger woman didn’t value them.. 😦

I gave them away.. I bought these locally in recent years because they remind me of countless cups of tea with home made scones I had with Grandma and they are beautiful. 

Grandma had a tiny little kitchen but still managed to create scrumptious home cooked meals which were always served with a cup of tea in a dainty little cup & saucer.. 

Here is my Grandma Jones holding our youngest daughter Zali (who is now 16)  whom thankfully she got to meet & hold before she went to heaven. 




Confessions 

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A month of paying attention August Break 2017

One Wish

That I could speak truthfully about everything without fear, without guilt, without shame.. Being fully myself without censoring & I’m getting there slowly.. 

Journal page created as part of a course I’m doing called [Journaling Into the Deep] by Jen Morris Creative..  clearing emotional clutter.. 



Love Notes

From my children.. whom are my life, my breath, my heart. Precious oh so precious.. So very thankful to God I am a mother.. ❤

A month of paying attention

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Away for a few days so playing catch up. Posting pictures every day of August.. this is for the 3rd of August to today the 5th of August. See earlier posts for link with more information.. 

Roses are not in season/bloom in our part of the world. 

Roses
Would a rose by any other name still smell as sweet? 


Where I live 

Winter starkness.. Two children & I house share with my parents; Uncle lives in a camper van on the property too.. I’m a single mother on a disability pension.. So it means my family have more money to spend.. overheads are much cheaper.. We live at the back of this house which is a big house.. sharing kitchen & laundry.. my parents live at the front.. 

Bicycle 

Visiting oldest son with youngest daughter who lives in Melbourne for a few days so this was taken today on our little break away.. Lots of city people ride bicycles & I couldn’t help getting a bit of street art in too because this suburb of Fitzroy is well known for it. 

Journal prompts: Goodbye 2016

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Journal prompts: Goodbye 2016


What were the most significant events of the year past? List the top three.
Definitely Zali (15) going to Japan was the biggest event. Also seeing how the money came in from family and friends that was lovely. I am so proud of how hard Zali worked towards it with her first job and doing fund raising. The whole experience I think life changing and I feel our family kind of came together and made us closer to one another.
As for the other top events. Doing the Soul Restoration course not so long ago has really helped me. Unfortunately I couldn’t finish it because I didn’t have enough money to keep enrolled but I will go back and finish. I have felt freer than in a long time. Got stuff out of inside of me I didn’t even know was there. Hard, but oh so necessary. Opened up the vault of hurt inside which I had no idea was still there as much as it was. I feel more peaceful generally, freer and I have seen the relationship with my sister change. More able to hear the Spirit I think. My truth teller.
Perhaps the other is doing the Auslan class that was a biggie for me. I was very anxious. The time with my SIL was perhaps the nicest of all. I just haven’t spent much time with any one person in the flesh like that in a long time. I really do think and hope I can continue on learning it even on my own at home. I didn’t go on with it with Lisa. The offer was there. Mainly because I don’t have anyone to practice with and it didn’t seem right to spend the money on something I wasn’t and haven’t been able to use. I don’t see Lisa either any other time. It wasn’t on my heart to do it. But I can see that it is helpful if I did meet others who learn it. Just haven’t yet.
Describe 2016 in one sentence: It was long, and at times extremely lonely and unproductive (a troubled relationship with my sister and living in the family home truly backed me into a corner) but art expression and faithful on-line friend Dustin, a good relationship with Justin and my kids have kept me alive and kicking.
This year I’m most grateful for… answered it in the last sentence. I am grateful for Dustin, Justin ha ha. Children. Amy-lisa. Art. Social Media. Blogging. Vampire Diaries. Daydreams. Coffee. Lord with me. Finding inspiration and surrounding myself with it. People who gave to Zali. Face book friends who just loved me and let me be me. Instagram. My phone. Kelly-Rae Roberts course. Soul Restoration course. People who communicate with me in a way that works for me. People who text. Zali especially who helps me with more than any other with my deafness and just helping me. She gets me and makes me cry even to write this. The times I could do good things for others.
My biggest achievement this year was… to keep going. To keep faith. Not to give up.
This year I got really excited about… Art Journaling. Cutting out. A bit of paint. Glue stick. Making pages that speak to you and you just add what speaks to you to a blank page. You can share it after wards on social media. You can share your heart and feelings and its kept me going. I was able to create a few things through the year to give people which was lovely. Combining spirituality, faith, personal opinions, struggles, truth, joy etc
This year I was most inspired by… Amylisa, Bridgette, Mandy, Avery, Jen, Dustin..
My greatest challenge this year was… Keeping focused. Lots of times I just sat. I had no motivation for anything. It is any wonder I did not shut down but I didn’t thank YOU LORD. I kinda lost contact with the outside world or it felt like it. Sometimes all I had is just my stubborn faith and nothing more.
I need forgive myself for… shutting down. I let people or lack of people turn me almost completely inwards. Which is a blessing cause GODS Spirit is in there.. But you tend to fall through the cracks and lose the ability to communicate at all..
My biggest piece of unfinished business from this year is… There would be too many to mention. Biggest would be I am disappointed I did not journal my way through. Dear God I might even have had a best seller book by now lol. Low points make for interesting stories don’t they?? Also I think there is tons of room for me to restore relationships again. When I fell, I lost contact with so many, almost everyone.
The greatest lesson I’ve learned this year is… I am not alone. Ever. Period. And I am Approved of by GOD even if I did nothing more or all things I had done good were suddenly erased. I am still approved of by HIM.. Beloved.
How have you grown as a person this past year? How are you different this year than last? This is the strangest thing I have found out. That I through this last year can tangibly sense faith more in myself and in other people. I don’t know that I can explain it. Relying more on Spirit than flesh that’s for sure and in that realm there is expansion and freedom and joy and ease except that in this flesh realm or world. Its not the usual measuring standard. So by worldly standards I am nothing basically. But in spiritual realms I can honestly say that I am going ahead in leaps and bounds.
This year I wish I had done more… Reading. Journaling the raw stuff. I could see that the raw stuff makes a person breathe in and out more and flow better. Gets things out of them.
I wish I had done less… Playing games on my phone. Hoarding. Shutting down. Sitting. Losing myself watching dvd series or just mindlessly watching tv.
What was the best way you used your time this past year? Anything creative is always good. The few times I connected with people more than normal was lovely. When I shared my heart despite the lack of feedback and it flowed. I fist pumped every time. I am so thankful to GOD because what happens after I put it out there in the world is totally in HIS hands. There were some really great times I spent talking with Dustin. Hours went by, both present even across the world. Incredible. Family nights where I stay with Justin and the kids for a meal once a week. It has become someone to go and a kind of weekly thing. Just really nice time together. I would truly miss them if they stopped. Peace with him is a miracle. Priceless. He has actually become more understanding/patient with my hearing loss which has been surprising. Moreso than my own blood family.
If you had more time to invest in this past year, what would you do with it? Probably take that time to just remember and reflect and perhaps keep some more of that stored somewhere wether that be art wise, journal or whatever. I cannot go back but if I could I don’t think I would know how best to fill in those times anyway. I want to move forward. Leave it behind me. Live different. Invest some more in other people.
If I could redo 2016, I would… Obviously in the times I sat. I would un-sit lol and read, write, walk, tidy etc anything but sit unless it was productive.
Write a letter to the you from the start of last year. What advice would you give yourself? Talk more to GOD because you kinda gave that up more than ever before in the past. Just talk don’t try to make it more a prayer. HE listens always even if you feel you are talking to yourself. Pick up a book and read when you cannot think of anything else to do. Throw some stuff out. Art journal even if you feel like crap. Find the Soul Restoration course online and start January 1st. Lean more on the few people who are around.
If 2016 was a book, what would the title be? Name some of the chapters. She breathes. HE loves her always. Hidden heart keep speaking. Speak the truth even if your voice shakes. My Story is important. Lord with her. She is never alone.
Did you have a guiding word or guiding values for 2016? How did it serve you? How did it challenge you? Confidence was my word it hardly seems it above lol but it was a good word because if you lived according to how you feel, how others treated you, how many were around you, your circumstances, what you believed about yourself or situation, your accomplishments you would surely be defeated. But having this word under-girded me. I am confident. I got through and if I think about how difficult it was. That is a huge achievement right here. I got through.
The biggest gifts of 2016 were… Encouragement and loyalty of friends. Sun rays that appeared so often in the sky no matter what time of day I walked usually evening/afternoon. My children and unconditional love wherever it came from. Gorgeous sunsets. Parents providing for children and I. Time with Justin and the kids in any form. Found gifts here and there at op shops. Bargains that inspired me and right timing. Zali going to Japan, generosity of those who helped her and that the other children supported her. Expressive arts and art journaling. Zali’s help and knowing my heart. Seeing Talitha graduate and move out into a lovely new apartment. Seeing our relationship change what a blessing that has been. She also starts next year with exactly the job she wants in March when she is over her graduate year. That is a top year event too.. Keanu made some life changes and is happy with girlfriend Anna. Seb’s visits home are always special events and he works so hard and keeps going. Conner being here with me and becoming an adult turning 18. I am so grateful for all my children.. They are the best gifts ever. ❤ ❤

I found these prompts.. Thank you Jen..

Journal prompts: Goodbye 2016 (Jen Morris)

Facing Fear..

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DAY 23 – DAILY PROMPT:
In exquisite detail, write about your biggest fear. Dive as deeply into it as possible, explore what about it scares you, why it scares you, how it scares you, what it makes you feel when it is scaring you. Haps, if you explain it deeply enough, the power it holds over you will be loosened.
As Dumbledore once said, “fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.” Give your fear a name and sing it loud.
Biggest fear… That nothing I do makes any difference at all. Nobody notices or really cares.

I can easily do what I do quite happily. I suppose because I do not work for money. Raising children yes. But not a job perse. You feel like what you are doing is not worth anything. It’s not that I need validation though its nice when you get it. It’s just I want to feel like I matter to someone other than just being a mother, sister, aunt or friend etc.. Ok people say I care. Which I am thankful for. But in my every day life nobody is seeking me out at home. Ok I am not one to seek others out either so perhaps that cancels this need or desire out. But it is so easy to write oneself out of the big picture. One day your life will flash across a church projector and a few loving souls will stand up and say how much they loved you. To me that is lame. I understand people do it and apparently having a lovely service filled with nice memories, a line up of souls to speak beautifully immortalizes that loved one and helps people say goodbye and grieve.

But most of us need that attention in the here and now and some of us more than others. I would much rather it here and now. I have so little energy for much these days. Making myself write because it is good for me and at the very least I am saying something somewhere.

Relationships are hard work aren’t they. Yet I am loving a TV program right now. “I am a Celebrity get me out of here..” And oh boy how I wish I could do this with a group of people even a few who are blood relatives. Apart from the difficulties they face in the African jungle with heat, not much food, trials that test them, being away from familiar comforts and family. They are developing close bonds with each other because they are forced together and to make it work you have to think of the other tribe mates around you. How I wish some people I know could benefit from this sort of close living where you had to rely on each other and get to really know the other people. How it would change the distance that eludes and robs us of so much. I just see that the way we are living isn’t really connecting us.

I can understand how it feels that I am not cared for and it’s perhaps how others feel too? But how does one change things? How do you in the normal every day life get closer to each other? Sometimes people have shut doors quite clearly to me. It seems they do not really want or value or need my company. I know that works two ways. But how do you change it? How do you get up one day and show you care in a way that makes the other person feel it and start to open their heart to you?

I don’t know. I love writing and I am glad I did it today. Fear squeezes out hope and strength but also makes you have to do something to either escape it or face it. It belittles you and raises its ugly head and says nothing you do will make a difference so why waste your breath and thoughts trying. You lose face or you have a go at beating it.

To face this fear I suppose I need to do something towards others. I cannot wait for the mountain to come to Mohammad. I have to be Mohammad and move towards the mountain. Show others I am interested in their lives. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. It doesn’t mean it will come back to me but it means I have done something to bring about a change or to open a door towards inviting deeper connections.

It may not mean people ask me about my daily life, writing, art or thoughts. 🙂 It has never really been about that it’s more deeper  connections I seek. It’s funny how this fear has turned right around as I wrote about it. So that now I am facing not others or lack of others but facing myself. I am looking at what I can do to put myself in the best place for people to see that I do care. It is indeed making the difference.. Ha ha.. Full circle.. Who’d of thought that through my writing the answer would appear.

 

Dark side of me..

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DAY 11 – DIG DEEPER:
Do you ever feel like more than one person inhabits you? Have you ever tried to silence the troublesome, weird or darker side of you that makes you uncomfortable? Recall a few times when you have suppressed your multiplicity for fear of being misunderstood, singled out or rejected.

Yes it does feel like that at times. The other side of me that worries about why things are the way they are. The side that focuses completely on dark stuff. The whys? The if onlys? The one that dwells on every past rejection and short coming I have and how it all points back to big bad me. That looks at the people who do not come near me and seem to stay away. I shake my head. In those moments I feel terribly much a reject. Throwaway. Basket case.

The dark side of me would just want to stop and close up shop. The dark side of me would say to hell with all those people who don’t know me and judge me without mercy. I would not normally say that kind of thing. I am more a stand back person. Hold my tongue. Forgive. Move on. Let go. Say anything else as opposed to how I really feel. Avoid face to face in the first place. Do not focus on the problem. But the whole of me has suffered because I do not say it. Do not speak about it. Do not let it out.

The dark side of me would say ‘Fuck off’..

The spiritual side of me wants to stay positive. Even when I share it all I would NOT use swear words and I might hold back some. THIS IS A BIG CHANGE TO WRITE LIKE THIS. Why deny I feel it? I am human. I do swear sometimes. I should not be afraid to write that. Why hide it? My family do not swear. My Christian family that is do not that I can hear. Not out loud, not publicly. I could imagine what they think if they saw this. I don’t think many read what I write so this won’t be a problem for them lol unless someone else says ‘Hmm your sister or daughter or relative is umm swearing on her blog’ and than they read it because of what someone else said. Few people ask my opinions on anything. And my deafness robs me of most anything else I could say because you just don’t talk much to people when you cannot hear them and they don’t talk to you much anyway. Never very open in our family about things. Very much surface stuff. Day to day stuff. Not hardly ever a deep and meaningful. Which is probably why I rarely say anything to them or they to me. Different levels.

Yes there would be a bitter side of me. A side that would sing. “What about me? It isn’t fair. I’ve had enough now I want my share… “ etc.. The song Moving Pictures sang.. Dark side feels cheated. Yes I know I could do more. I have been told that plenty of times. But a lot has happened I have had no control over and whether people even know, care or understand how it affects you. It does affect you. Darkness is real and you do face it even if you are light dweller.

I have not intentionally silenced that side. I think in Christian terms we say we are forgiven and forgive others and that’s about it. Of course people are encouraged to tell their testimonies. How Jesus saved them.
Sorry that is a little tongue in cheek. Sometimes there is so much talk about anything else but how we are ourselves. You can almost disappear completely. We talk about what we SHOULD do right. We talk about what GOD did but not really about the worth of a soul and see that a soul faces difficulties and help them get through it to the other side. The hard stuff. It all seems to be about using it for good.. Our calling. Which is what we all want in the end. A purpose. Perfection kills I can tell you that. But talking about our stuff ups daily it seems taboo. It is like you are under a gag I guess but nobody talks about it. So perhaps that is why so few of us get to the end as we could or should. Why so many suffer so much more than need be. We judge. I judge myself. I judge others. Its what we are taught. It’s wrong. We are called least. It’s so not about us. It is all about HIM. God. And to even think about talking about ourselves. That is evil. I am being evil here now. :/

You just kind of self-destruct in private and in front of Christian counselors and mental health professionals and talk about prayer needs or GOD alone. All like-wise people celebrate that with you.. Tell the hard stuff its different. Nobody wants to see your dramas, dirty washing. Heart. Hmm.. That hurts to write that but its true. Real and raw is too messy. If you think about we base our whole relationship on JESUS getting real and messy and ugly and well he went all the way to the end and we even know the raw details and talk about that a lot. Comes to us. Nope. Let’s just gloss over it.

I KNOW what happened at the end of Jesus earthly life and what that means because it’s all we talk about. It has probably been most of what I talked about for a very very long time. But humanly speaking it’s not the after life yet and the darkness still comes every day and that is real. Sooooo lets be honest in the now!!

I can truly understand people who take their lives leaving messages for the loved ones to find. They obviously couldn’t say it alive could they and what has happened has affected them to the point they gave in completely to the darkness. It has happened a lot with me wanting to give up. I have fantasized about doing that many times. Speaking beyond the grave because I have felt so unheard even though I am alive.. Because it has got very dark, very lonely and I have felt very invisible and even though I write it over and over and over.. Nobody much reads. Even now today after years of putting my heart out there in public and persisting on and on and on..

That’s truly a bummer hey.

I think people just seem blind and deaf to the deepest heart cries because its messy. I believe faith in GOD has pulled me out of the worst of it because I talked to GOD about all the hard stuff when there was no one else to tell or that I felt I could tell.. I did not ever feel judged. I did not feel guilty or black hearted. Just loved and that GOD has immense patience and he does have very very deep and unconditional love for the black sheep, the multi colored sheep and the weird and dysfunctional sheep..

It is very much what drives me now. To speak of the darker side of me and to be honest with you: my prayers or talks to GOD might be very different too after writing this.. GOD sees it all any way.. Dark sides of us.

There is very little truly dark stuff said and it needs to be said.. But for me it is more than I have ever spoken of it before.. quite like this.

 

me

City to Outback

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DAY 8 – DAILY PROMPT:
Create an adventure. If you live in or around a city, write about your life if you were to move to the remote country. If you live in a rural area, write about your life the first day moving to the big city. The world is a big place, both extremes deserve illumination.

((Used creative license here. Took this and wrote about my past and let it flow from that.. When I went from Victoria to Western Australia at age 14 and the huge change that was to my young life and our family. ❤ ))

For a 14 year old girl oldest of 4 children. It was a move I felt forced to make. Away from friends, leaving youth group and school and my pet pony was sold.

Other side of Australia seemed like another world away. And it was. Fitzroy Crossing was in the far north west Kimberley and on the other side of the continent. The only thing I knew about it was from a small write up in a library book my mum and siblings leafed through to find. No google back than. It did not say much at all. Police station, supermarket, hospital, road house and famous outback pub! Of course the major attraction was the river! A beautiful gorge Geike Gorge was situated not far from the township and people come from all over the world to see it and cruise its banks. It became a favorite place to visit in our time there.

It was extremely isolated. It would be an over two hour travel either way to the next town and there was nothing in between.. No shops, houses or anything from the road except I did love the beautiful boab trees that were scattered along the way. Amazing trees!! One boab tree about half way to Derby was so big and hollow inside it was once used as a prison holding cell!

One road in and one road out.

Ballarat could not be more opposite. Colder, green, winter was wet and we have a bad reputation about changeable weather, populated and even though considered a rural city. It has all the amenities of a much bigger city. The floor was cold when you walked on it. You could go clothes shopping!! You had access to health care.

Fiztroy Crossing is a majority aboriginal population. I do not think I had ever met an aboriginal person before at least I did not know anyone personally! It was a complete culture shock. It was hot, red dirt, no TV, lol that was in 1984!! I did not find that out till after we arrived. I would not have agreed to that AT ALL!! If you wanted to watch something entertaining it had to be on video cassette. I remember at one point a family friend every so often passed on a box full of mostly American sitcom recorded on video. I think we watched them and nearly wore out the videos every time it was our turn to view them. It was so different not having TV. You lost contact with the outside world. Radio stations became vitally important. The weekly newspaper was flown in or trucked in and were sold out pretty quickly.

No fresh milk. It all came in frozen or powdered. There was a local bakery that made fresh bread but sometimes the local baker got drunk or his workers did not turn up so there was no bread those days. You could buy bread frozen and kept in freezers.

The houses were ugly but had lovely big verandas to help keep them cooler.. Shutter windows, floor to ceiling to capture any breeze that might pass through. Some of the houses were on stilts as the mighty Fiztroy River which in the dry season could be just pools here and there would become a raging torrent flooding its bank in wet season and the whole town was surrounded by water.. Dusty. Everything seemed coated in dust.

For a teenager it was eye opening. I had to do my school by distance education. There was not a high school at that time. My younger brother and sister went to the local school. At least they had air-conditioning! Our house did not! Stifling temps during day and even at night it was hot at least for us!! Slept with just a sheet over you. Always fans to circulate the air.

Unfortunately only 4 days into our new life we had a family tragedy. My youngest sister at a welcoming picnic after church drowned in the river.. It has tied our family to that place forever. We no longer live there we are now back in Ballarat again. My sister was nearly five years old. My parents bravely stayed on for the next couple of years. It was very hard for them. They had committed themselves to serving as missionaries up there so they kept their commitment to the local people and to God.

How did I feel as a young person? It was bewildering. Life was slower up there. They had siesta time when the whole place seemed to shut down and people rested from the worst heat of the day.
The Aboriginal people were beautiful souls but seemed reserved to me. Very respectful of our family coming through such a tragic circumstance. The local people gathered around us. We hardly knew them but they supported us through such a horrible time. I remember huge thunderstorms that frightened the heck out of us as kids. My sister and I would drag our beds into the middle of the room so we were closer. It really sounded as if the storm was right over our heads and God was up there throwing his best at us. Heavy rains. Insects. Kind black hands that we gently shook every Sunday. Songs sang in local language over and over because thats the songs they loved! Sitting on seats that pinched your legs. Dogs wandered into the church service which was in an old stone and tin building without walls. Overhead fans whirring about.. I think for awhile we were just in shock. Shock at the loss.. Shock at the different culture.. Shock at our lives changing so dramatically.

I can see the deep dark hole where my sister was laid to rest and the mound of red dirt to cover her over again once the preacher said his thing. The crowd of dark faces who turned up that day was incredible because they didn’t know us. There was a deep respect for our loss you feel that even as a young person.. My little brother clinging to my dad. He was so insecure and cried out loudly whenever he could not find my parents. All the memories come rushing back. The heat. The flies. The faces that we did not know but kindly helped us through all the transition.

City to country. Different as day and night. It taught us to love and respect native Australians, see first hand how they have survived the stolen generation, injustice and past government stuff ups and how big and unique and beautiful our country is. It taught us community. It taught us the blessings that are modern amenities. Things like not having to travel to get to a hair dresser, see a dentist, go to a big chain supermarket and department stores, see a specialist, have your baby, flying doctors for emergencies. So much we take for granted.

That even in tragedy and hardship Australia is an amazing vast continent. In city and country we are indeed a lucky country and Australians are as diverse and unique as our land.. We pull together when hard times come.

(( Jones family 1984 November. In Perth.  On the way to Fitzroy Crossing.. My little sister Belinda still alive. Brings back many memories seeing this.. ))

((Famous Geike Gorge))

((Brooking Gorge))

((My mother, sister and brother.. at the back of the Primary School when the river flooded.. ))