I have subscribed monthly to “Scribd” lol as I have a fetish to buying or collecting books.. Ebooks especially not that I could possibly read them all.. So many free ebooks these days and I still buy more… But this title grabbed me and I had to read it… Thought if I can buy a subscription it might stop me collecting books and force me to actually read this book because I’m spending money on it and if I don’t keep the subscription my time to read will run out.. It cost about the same to buy a month as to buy the ebook..
Thought I’d share here.. My thoughts…
End of first chapter… Asked a question..
When you read that phrase.. “The Furious Longing of God”
What emotions or images does it evoke?
Definitely not a stoic love. Its passionate, fiery, hot blooded. Earth moving. I think for many many years I was taught almost indoctrinated to “love God love my neighbour” sort of thing..
Seems so flat now… So 2d.. Something I had to do… Was expected of me… Boring…
No wonder it never moved me and countless others.
This furious love, longing of God is from His side..
Which is for everyone but suddenly becomes my own when I focus on Him.. I guess that’s the wonder of spiritual reality..
That He wants me.. Its personal.. Its means something now.. I want it… Realising He wants me is wow… Its life changing.. Suddenly I can see Him and His love all around… In the beauty of a sun set, in the colours of a rainbow, in the smile of a child… In the kindness of a stranger… I see him loving on me… There is a saying in the bible.. Taste and see that The Lord is good… You see Him wooing you… Drawing Him to you… Because nothing else satisfies and every longing we have that moves many to endless sources that only build dependency… When taken to Him create this amazing relationship that is going to get better into eternity.. Dependency on anything but Him causes grief and entraps never satisfied but He truly does satisfy and ohhh how freeing…
Surely goodness following me.. Gifts and good things happening when I don’t even deserve them simply because He enjoys doing so… Cup runs over furiously!
If I know He loves me that much… I cannot not see him with me… Everything around me which He created is in full view and I know anything that says different will end one day too so there is no fear when you are perfectly loved… HE cannot be hidden because He is everywhere. I even have a glow about me when I’m aware… My whole countenance changes..
Last night I dreamt of my ex husband… I dream about him often… I don’t understand it though…
He has his own life and there are no physical signs he wants me back in his life..
I have come to the place that whatever relationship on earth I have with him… Eternity is forever and I pray that for him most of all.. That one is assured! But I think why.. Why dream about him so often… It’s hard I get lonely and I don’t want to be single forever.. My circumstances have not been easy.. Being almost deaf… Single mum and having prayed for my future for what feels like forever…
I do cry still over it… It’s been a long long long road… I don’t know what is ahead… I mean people have ideas.. They get into a relationship. They make a career… I don’t have any of that.. I have my kids… I love my kids..
But I didn’t sign anything that said I was going to do this on my own…
I have not given my faith up… God is with me that I know… I smile knowing my own weaknesses… Because in my weakness I see His strength and this kind of tenacity to not give up… I know I don’t have a clue why or how or when… I have prayed for many people like myself over the years… But I have not seen physically too many breakthroughs yet I keep praying.. I wonder though what it is that drives me?
I mean people who see miracles you can understand they being busy… People who are in a group working kinda encourage each other. Even couples together can work and help one another…
But mostly I’m a loner… Yet I keep praying… 🙂 that makes me know something is going on behind the scenes..
That despite tears, frustrations, the lack of physical manifestations, long periods of praying for the same things.. I must have some inner hope that holds me strongly to this life I live… People do pray for me I know it..
But the things I’ve wanted most, dreamed of, hoped for and longed for…. have not happened yet.. Its those things I continually lay at Gods feet… Daily seeking Him for strength, guidance, even sometimes giving up completely cause its too hard yet here I am!
Still in this place… Still hoping… Still believing… Still praying.. Still speaking faith… Bless The Lord O my soul and all that is within me bless Your holy name…
I feel like scrapping this whole site and starting again… Lol…
Hit restore on my own life..
Wiping it out..
But we keep plodding on..
I look for responses but I should know not to expect them.
Everyone has their own battles.
I realised I’m still here and putting it out there despite the frustrations.
That thought encourages me.
To me its important to share what means something to me..
It might just be a quote or my art or a photo etc
But I feel part of something more when I share…
Enjoying a book a friend lent me called “The gifts of imperfection” by Brene Brown.
Everyone has imperfections its what makes each of us unique..
I shouldn’t be afraid to be real.
As God says… Flesh weak but spirit strong..
I love when I do share struggles people respond..
Sometimes it helps them to share about their struggles too..
That feels good when that happens..
Some days I completely understand why some people take their lives…
You can so easily be misunderstood completely and rejected for being different.
And nothing you say or do seems to make a difference… Because people won’t even try to understand..
God brought to mind the lyrics of a song (posted below).
Lyrics say”.. If not for the thought of you..
The promise of dreams come true..
I’d go mad if it wasn’t for you”…
I love that God isn’t in a box or a building and He’s not confined to someone’s views either… He is with me no matter what people think of me.
He doesn’t force me to be like everyone else… Or reject me if I’m different instead He gives me out of this world freedom. He loves me unconditionally…
2 Corinthians 3:17
Now the Lord is Spirit and where the Spirit of The Lord is, there is freedom.
(Made me think of Narnia where Aslan sets people turned to stone back to life.)
He comforted me with these words of a secular song.. He reminded me he too was rejected by the religious people of his day. Hated and misunderstood… I identify with Him so much… And to me this song is completely about Him.. I’d be lost without Him.. I’d go mad if I didn’t believe He was my Saviour and He loved me completely and that he too was mis-understood.. That through Him all things work together and there is so much peace and comfort and purpose in just looking to Him and trusting Him… He says he is the author and perfecter of our faith anyhow..
Everything He did saves me now… Saves you too… Today… Completely…