Category Archives: Healing

Untitled

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I can’t think of a suitable title. So ‘Untitled’ is perfect. There are no words for how I am feeling today.
I am vulnerable and weak. Apart from a very late night pickup of teenagers at an out of town party.. Running on little sleep. I have been fasting food since Friday night or rather that was the last time I ate.
Prayer and fasting. For a very close friend. My best friend. The reasons are private but this friend has been more loyal than anyone else I know. The scripture says there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. And this friend is all that. Today I could break it but I don’t want too at least not yet. The scripture “when I weak, HE is strong”… is resonating inside me right now. I feel that power too. My stomach is growling and loudly but I feel this surge and I know it’s GOD in me and that is just a little too good to want it to end. And I NEED that. My friend needs that. Our world needs that. And I can use it.. I can use the emotion the spiritual elation. That hunger for food mirrors the emptiness of my life and the crazy life of lack that dogs me. The areas that crave connection to the point I have thought at times of not existing at all in this world. Because it has felt too much to bare. Too impossibly hard to yearn for physical connection I have missed out on and fall so short with. I know even though I am a loner, a self confessed introvert I still need soul connections. I need someone else but close and deep not shallow. Yes even I need not to be alone or not feel alone.

It reminds me of a movie I watched called ‘New Moon’ when Bella misses Edward. He suddenly removes himself from her life and she is desperate for him. Absolutely lost and desolate without his presence. But she finds out when she is in danger or testing her human limits that he appears to her and she goes out seeking similar so she can see him again.

Once before in my life I relied on religion and it was everything. Form, rules, obedience and routine to ritually act out what the bible says and what others who believed were doing too, what I believed Christianity was and what was expected of me. I would attend with my family and I was desperate when I had my own family for us to all be in the building together but my than husband was not as passionate the same as me and more often than not was not with me and it felt empty and I started to feel alone even in a crowd. We didn’t share it in life or religion the same.. Often I just went religiously with my children for a long long time desperate and hungry but you just say hello I am fine instead of tell it like it is. It was hard with 5 little children to do it without help and sometimes I was so busy with the children going in and out of the service for different needs I wasn’t gaining anything at all. I have attended a church since I was an infant in my parents arms up til maybe 4 years ago. Maybe its longer :/

The point in sharing this is. When I stopped going, when I lost that huge part of my life. My desire for God was still very much there I just wasn’t able to rely on those things anymore. I had to have GOD 24/7 not just sundays and with fanfare. I had to have HIM with me always and I knew HE was there because HE said HE was and I believed HIM. I just felt the trappings were distracting me and depressing me. Cause while I sat there all I could think of was all that I was missing and it sucked.
Due to traumas I have gone through I just couldn’t fit in a service with people’s backs to me. Unable to hear what was going on (deaf) and feeling so disconnected. It felt very fake and I couldn’t do it any longer. I was also failing miserably at keeping the show going. My performance level was zip. So much mental energy at keeping my family together that had now separated. And just found myself tossing out everything that drained me and kept only the most important things close to my heart. That was in every sense of the word. Physical, mental, people etc… If it harmed me, I lost interest, it went or eventually I weeded it out. Many people weeded themselves out lol without my help. 🙂 Perhaps it was God or it was just my way to cope. I don’t know.

Spiritually though my story feels like it was just been beginning. When you are not relying on one way anymore you adapt and do things differently. You flow into a new way, a different way and Gods Spirit became my comfort, joy, peace and strength. My everything. Art became so very important too like it was my hands on and my physical way to be a part of the process so that I wasn’t just sitting numbly I was flowing and active.

Creativity in expressing myself and how my spirit was moving and flowing. It became a main way to communicate though because a majority of people in the world do not see art/spirit the way I do I lost even more contact with people. I guess the more I slipped away from outwardly living the more important it became to me and the more people lost contact with me too. I don’t blame them for not getting me anymore. I just missed what I could have with them. What I wanted with them.. Deep soul. Getting each other and not just here and there but always having it. I don’t mean I needed to be in their faces or they in mine. But there are people you don’t see but when you do see them you just pick up again where you left off. You aren’t stressed in any way by time that has passed or anything one might call as lack. You just enjoy the here and now. Why on earth can’t I find those people???

On-line was easiest it still is. People who are heart people or spiritual people get me most. And strangely even with little contact you have depth and connectivity that is amazingly satisfying but it is a different realm. Many still do not recognize it but if you are aware or even start to be aware your eyes are opened to something pretty amazing.

I guess that is why today that weakness from no food is so powerful. Because I am diverting myself away from regular patterns and relying on being full with food and that physical energy. I am not eating and I am not thinking about food, not concentrating on my physical needs. I am tapping into my spirit/soul realm and despite the growling stomach and the need to get up and feed my body.. I am aware of a force within myself that is strong and fired up and its the me I am most in touch with and perhaps 95% do not know. God with me. In me. Helping me.. Me and HIM as one yet separate…
I mean honestly that is miraculous. It is so loud and clear to me that all is not lost. HE has not left me like so many humans have. HE is beautifully present and ridiculously crystal clear when I am not physically strong or not caught up in the ‘Do this.. Be that’… just wow.

I am better able to be aware of things normally that are quiet or even absent in myself. Like even as I am typing this my clarity of events and feelings are coming together in ways which are beyond anything I have realized before. I have read about how if you can keep on this path, push yourself out of comfort zones, push through doubts, blank pages, writers block, life block, gremlins of the art world/or one might call them demons or doubts about yourself even.. Just Being…
That tell you everything you are not and repeat to you all your failures and that paralyze you from growth and improvement and just enjoying life. You reach a place where you are literally tapping into sacred ground and into the highest power.. I suppose people might flinch and say ‘New Age’ which is a no no in Christian circles but only if you throw out the baby with the bath water. It is all God, Jesus, Holy Spirit to me yet in me. HE is the one I credit but this is the miracle that the kingdom of heaven is within. So I get to be the container of the most spiritual proportions in my own unique quality. 100% me flavored lol. The fragile vessel that HE says shows HIM up best. That there I like.. I like very very much.

You wanna see GOD. Just look inside me. ❤

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#metoo

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If I compared my story to others I wouldn’t share it at all. It doesn’t seem bad enough. It was just one moment on a night many years ago. But like other deep issues I have shared openly about in the past. Being honest and authentic is powerful and freeing and can help others as well as help me..

Too many times I have missed the boat. I have waited too long to say something and the moment has passed by. I am doing so now because others are too. It did happen and it was scary. I was lucky it was not far worse and that I woke up and could get away and that it never happened again. I felt vulnerable after wards. I often think of my own daughters and how I want to protect them maybe if they read this it will help them think about who they are with and what can happen. I hope they know they can always tell me anything. I will share with them who it was because I believe you think it cannot happen to you. But it can and it can be a shock that it can be someone one knows.

There is a time to share and a time to be silent. I think this is the time to share. Especially when many others are sharing openly too. Who knows what God can do through us sharing our stories. Who might be helped and that we might somehow open eyes to prevent things like this happening again if that is possible.

I had to search for the meaning of sexual assault because if I didn’t know I would think it was only rape.

But it also means attacks such as rape or attempted rape, as well as any unwanted sexual contact or threats. Usually a sexual assault occurs when someone touches any part of another person’s body in a sexual way, even through clothes, without that person’s consent.” ~ From a google search.

I was 18 or 19. It is very hard for me to share this because of what actually happened and who did it. I am afraid and I don’t think it helps anyone to name this person here. I am not going to say much at all actually. But I was drinking one night with some other people and went to bed alone not far away from where the other people I was with slept.
I was living in a caravan and I am pretty sure I would have locked my door but I cannot be 100%. I do not know how drunk I was. But I was sleeping soundly so soundly I didn’t hear anything until I was woken. I woke up to find someone in bed with me and they were touching my body in very sexual ways. At first after the intital shock wore off and I guess I must have been still groggy because I didn’t freak out though I am sure my heart was racing.

I at first thought it was my boyfriend at the time; he was sleeping somewhere else close by.
I think because I was so alarmed I was too frightened to speak, so instead cause it was still dark. I used my hand to feel if it was him. Tried to recognize his body and what he felt like in the dark. My hand felt along the body up to this persons throat and I remember feeling a chain around their neck. Now my boyfriend did not wear jewelery?!? So I immediately knew it was not him. Because of the people I was with before I went to bed were not far away and this person was one of them. I recognized who it was and I got out of that bed as quickly I could and fled. I was bawling when I got to what I considered a safe place and woke up my boyfriend. I don’t remember much else. My cries woke up the other people and I had no desire to return to my caravan till the next day.

Nothing like that has ever happened again. The person who was responsible I do not know when they left the caravan and what happened to them after wards. I actually don’t think I ever saw them much again if ever. Apart from the people present I told no one else perhaps one or two others years later on. I couldn’t sleep well for a long time. Even though this person was not around I would check and recheck that I locked the door. I would sleep facing towards the door (as if that would protect me) and for a long time I couldn’t sleep easily without fearing someone would come into my caravan again.

I don’t think it was any more than that person just touching my body under my clothes and being in my bed with me and of course the shock of waking up to find this person in my bed. But I was either sleeping soundly or drunk and don’t remember anything more. I don’t recall any evidence that my body had been raped thank God.. But it is still eerie and scary that I did not hear anything (I am deaf now but back than at that age my hearing was perfect)and that I did not feel the bed move or feel the person climb into bed with me. It was a caravan double bed and I slept on the side closest to the door. There was not much room around the sides of the bed and I think the other side was attached to the wall? But I cannot remember. He was on the other side of the bed and like me had been drinking earlier and was not a small sized person. That gives me a very weird feeling but I know I did nothing to cause it. It was something that happened to me. I know other stuff since.. But I can’t say it because of what it relates too. Yes perhaps sharing this people I know will add things up or guess but if so please speak privately I just feel this is all I want to say right now. I am unfortunately fairly transparent though I am trying not to be here not to protect this person but because it is my story and that is all it is meant to be. I am not trying to make trouble for anyone but just share what happened to me.

It is something one would consider very hush hush.. And it was a long time ago I am 47 now.. I wish I could say more. But I really don’t feel I can.

I am so glad people are speaking up about sexual assault. I just hope awareness and bravery change things for everyone.

I want to thank Cristy for sharing her story today on face book. Often these days I have little motivation. Little to no direction. Though when I saw the #metoo surfacing around social platforms I thought should I share my story too? I have been thinking about it and her sharing opened the door for me to share today. To share anything these days is a miracle for me. So much has shut me down. To find something/anything these days to connect me to others is so precious beyond words. It is powerful beyond sharing what has happened. It is knowing you are not alone with what you face in this world and others bravery invites you to do the same.  I just feel empowered like I haven’t for quite some time and therefore I do not completely disappear or shut down but I have a reason and opportunity to speak up too.

To share like this when I feel so little going on in my creative life and my physical life is more like a stunted plant. It is incredibly encouraging and gives me hope for everything else. I am thanking God for HE is what keeps me going. I see all things work together for good. HE uses pain. HE uses things in our past. HE uses our brokenness.. HE uses people in our path. HE uses our gifts such as my writing and desire to share openly. So even though so much in my life doesn’t make a lot of sense. I can trust HIM to use this too.

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Boundaries 

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I haven’t blogged personally for a little while and yesterday I really enjoyed a course that I’m doing at Brave Girl University called ‘Soul Restoration’ and it was up to the topic of boundaries. Many years ago someone I knew suggested that I read a book about boundaries but I didn’t really look into it. They thought it be good for me because of the struggles that I had at the time. 

I realized today during the course that I wasn’t able to think about boundaries in my life back than because I wasn’t feeling good about myself and didn’t see anything worth protecting. 

But today while I was reading the captions on the videos and thinking of what Melody was saying I realized that I do value myself now and this truly appears as the next step to getting my trust back to venture out into the world. 

To feeling that I will not be destroyed or struggle excessively in the process.

I didn’t value myself so I let whomever come into my soul house and disrespect me and now I have tools to change that and to help myself when I face disrespect and people who do things/say things that don’t honour my value or trigger me in not so nice a way.

I can distance myself from that person and not let that person affect me to my detriment because I trusted them into my sacred space. I no longer have to allow their behaviour to destroy me because I took it to heart and let it churn me up inside.. 

It’s so helpful and timely, especially because this class was talking about people that come in and disrespect you like narcissists and I’ve dealt with these kinds of people before and learning how to cope with them has been a major problem area and one I’ve struggled with repeatedly.

 I unfortunately play along with thier games. I dance the dance. I feel I have to be nice even though the person is in no way valuing me. 

This course is exactly what I need at this point!! 

I feel confidence building that I now have tools to help me make wiser choices and it’s all extremely encouraging because it’s like God saying to me hey I see what you’ve gone through here is some help!! 

Even though I’ve kind of felt alone with this, a couple of people know but mostly I’m alone with this. The information in my path today it’s giving me much needed encouragement that I’m not going crazy. That this is a real thing in my life and God doesn’t want me to keep being defeated & anxious by it. HE cares about me and I see it as HIS hand upon me. HE has helped me learn my value, the truth of HIS presence & HIS unending love and I’m so thankful that through my faith HE always re-enforces my worth despite my imperfections. 

I did some art journal pages on my feelings yesterday after going through the class material and I felt hope welling up inside for moving forward and not being so stuck by past experiences.

Leaving this long lonely stretch of life behind.. 

 I feel for a long time that I have had to mostly shut the world out you know cuz it’s been so hard. I’ve dealt with some really difficult people over a long period and I have not been able to cope well with that and heal at the same time. I’ve not known the next step so I retreat because I always feel I have to be on the defence instead of the offence. 

What these people said to me and how these people treated me has lived continually on in my head and heart and I am no longer giving it permission to stay inside me anymore. 

And wonderfully this teaching isn’t about other people changing because that may not happen any time soon or at all. It’s about me making decisions to keep my heart & soul safe. Not giving anything that hurts me or anyone unsafe room in my life and finding a different way to live that honours my truth & value in the world. 

I don’t have to just take it inside myself anymore I can shut the door. I can say NO MORE because I don’t like the way that I’m being treated and I can step away from it and I can put some distance between myself and that person. 

With a bit of distance I can let them be themselves and not be taking anything they say on board and I feel so empowered. It feels like I’m no longer a victim. It feels like I’m strong and and I can keep my peace, and not react to what might happen next if people still do the same stuff to me.. 

I’m filled instead by the truth about myself that I’m worth protecting and it doesn’t have to be challenged every time someone undervalues me, that it is about me because I’ve had that said to me. I’ve heard it said that it’s not about me but no it is about me and I can say I’m valuable and I don’t like this. If I don’t like how I’m treated I don’t have to just put up with it and oh my gosh I feel much more confident to go out there and find people who do care about me. 

I can say well hey that’s what you think, but I know the truth about myself.. This boundary teaching was absolutely 100% on point and exactly what I need.. I am saying thank you, thank you God so much, so much! 

I can choose what comes into my soul house I do have to take it on board. 

I thank God for this and Melody Ross!! 

Brave Girls University 

Authenticity

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I wrote a poem about how I need people to be honest and open with me.. how for the most part people are not.. but it’s not impossible..

 If we can’t be our full selves with someone how on earth can people relate? I think that’s the answer to building trust with a person and a close intimate relationship it’s why our relationship with the Lord becomes so beautiful and personal and why we run to Him.. all we can do is be authentically ourselves and I really do think it will bring close those who really want to know us where they too can be themselves.. I think also we heal from hurts in any place where a person is fully able to be themselves.. It takes time though to feel safe enough to do this.. or it is an extreme act of bravery.

This journey of life seems to be about each person coming to this knowledge.. I really do think that would be heaven on earth.. where what seems a desert experience, hard place will be a place to bloom and where authenticity will bring connection to us all.. 

it’s like this “authenticity” message is where it’s at for me right now.. 

After writing this almost immediately this was shown on “The Voice” in Australia.. ❤️️

A poem I wrote – Infant loss

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I am currently doing a free 6 week course at Future Learn called Literature and Mental Health via the University of Warwick. Current topic is “Speaking words we can’t find”. Asked to share – Are there any pieces of literature – old or modern, prose or poetry – that speak to you in the way that Katherine Philips’ poem speaks to Paula?

We have  been studying a poem by Katherine Phillips she wrote on the loss of a little baby boy which remarkably was written in the 1600’s.

I have also lost an infant baby boy. So this study is very very close to my heart. I was given a miracle of peace by God when I lost our baby infant back in 1997 which changed my whole life. For some strange reason I was easily able to talk about it too at the time but very few around me were available to me to listen to the extent I needed. So one day I got out my electric typewriter and decided to write about everything. I guess I just imagined I could do that all in one sitting. lol it isn’t possible of course. I eventually wrote 29 chapters.

But it is wonderful the very first thing I wrote was a poem. It was just a small piece of writing to lead into the actual main piece of writing which was the first chapter and so on. It was a miracle I wrote at all because I had three other little children to raise at the time I started and it came remarkably easy and I had never written a book before or since. I will add the link to this blog post to the university comment section to share it with others there but also because it was straight from a grieving mothers heart and I just see that it helped me to get it out, to see it in written form and others have been helped by it too. I have not edited it, it is the exact same form I wrote it. The very first thing I wrote before I typed up what is now the entire story. It doesn’t even have a title it was just the leading paragraph at the very start. To introduce the story. Again it is a miracle also this poem began it all because at that time I HAD never written poetry before either.

I have even kept it in the form first written. because as I have been learning in the course, the written form is also part of how we express our emotions etc.. It is religious in nature because my faith was exactly what was helping me through. All based on a miracle of peace from God through this terrible period when our baby son Tyler was born, became very ill when he was only a few days old and died at 8 weeks old from a heart/lung abnormality.

See in the address up top of this blog.. eternalpeacechild. It is all linked to what I experienced through this loss. My online name is peacechild4.

I have not ever published the book.. I did share the chapters on face book and with family and friends in written form and on a few websites but not as book form or even ebook form. Poem in bold so you know what is the actual poem..

 

I wrote this poem, a mother coming to terms with the death of my child.
I have seen much that I have had no control over. I have suffered the weight of feelings I can’t escape.

What I experienced alongside my child has survived.
So precious that I had to write this down.
Although nothing can take away what has happened.
I know throughout his life there was meaning.

If my son received the inner peace throughout that I have been given through my faith in Jesus Christ.
Then all that I saw, all that my child went through, that has produced my lack of fear to write, brings hope.

I have the calming reason to believe, that from my experience of peace. I am given assurance of how much more Tyler deserved it, and how a loving God would give all the more to him.

In my impression of Tyler’s story I endeavor to share how he received what I now hold onto.

Tyler’s Story never ends.
It just begun in a different place.



Burn Book

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Over 11,000 words now in my burn book so far.. see pic on link to my Instagram account if you want a little more info on what a burn book is. This is a little bit of what I am writing/working through today.. 

“I certainly have learnt so much through all this so far. People can’t give us what we think they should. They cannot fill in gaps in ourselves. We are the only people who can do that. Us and GOD. We shouldn’t control people that isn’t love. We can guide, counsel, advise (when we have permission and the other person welcomes it ) but love is most important and especially acceptance. Space to fail or fly. Permission to fail or fly. Encouragement for everything. 

I can see a turning around in me.. A healing springing forth.. I am so thankful. I see myself looking not just at others who’ve hurt me but rather looking more intently at who I am now so that what I thought were once hurt places ( because of this person or that). I cannot see this as clearly anymore and I am not as stuck on it, I don’t see it in quite the same light anymore. ❤ ” 

I have been working on a page full of prompts and it’s a tiresome process. I still have a ways to go through them. I can see them helping me though. I can feel shifts inside me. Last night I felt rather poorly. But today I am feeling better and confidently sitting here and keeping on with it. Getting a bit more excited by the process. So very needed I can tell you. 

A link to Brave Girls University where you can learn more about this course and many others. Soul Restoration is the one I am currently doing. Here.. 


Loved this quote & pic from my calendar yesterday.. appropriate much.. 

Epiphany to a broken relationship

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The perfect solution would be to start afresh. With no preconceived reminders of what we used to think of each other and where the other might be coming from. No longer a competition or any jealousy. Talking to one another as if we were great lovers or long distance friends who had not seen each other in a very long time. That every word was dripping with such an intense desire to be known and heard and we were lapping it up no matter how simple or sublime.
As if we had been transported immediately to heaven and there was nothing evil from past, present or future that could steal the genuineness of these moments. We loved each other. We adored each other and there was nothing at all to hold us back from the bliss at being in each others company. Pureness of heart in each. Total attention. Total freedom. Sweet, holy, divine.

———-

Thankfully I had awareness of the past but a protective shield on my heart to prevent me breaking down from the ugliness of it. It only made the beauty of this moment more exquisite. There you were all shiny and new. The smile on your face would surpass any I’ve seen on earth. It was genuine. Everyone that came here smiled the same yet every smile was uniquely stunning.

I stood like a statue. I guess maybe I could have run and hugged you. The kind that dramatic movies on earth capture so well in films. We have not ever had that kind of relationship before that we’d ever have done that but maybe we deeply wanted too. I knew we had no time constrictions in this place and there’s a gentle calm to every interaction. No need to rush here, it’s a forever thing. You are astonishingly beautiful. All the worldly heaviness you’d carried on earth gone. Lightness, carefree and shiny. You had eyes for me and there was no physical turning away that had dogged us on earth. I knew here you were also healed and free from physical impairments. You walked with a spring in your step. Confidence oozing but not in a way that belittled anyone else. Maybe others around were aware of this moment too. I do not know but it seemed only us present for the now.
There were no words our eyes held a knowing between us that spoke eons and our heads nodded in synchronization. We were filled with understanding that all the past had been dealt with and it could no longer separate us. We were free. Finally utterly free. Our minds, if they could be called minds in this place, were able to communicate everything with a glance. Pure love flowing continuously between us and words just simply were not necessary anymore.

We didn’t even need the thing loved ones on earth called embrace. But our arms found each other at long last and it was not fake this time it was real and if time were a thing here. For a time we did not let go.

Fighting broken..

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Sitting on her arse again.
If she got up. You’d see a bum print on her bed.
Pillows half pushed through the narrow gap between mattress and bed head.
That is where she sits and writes.
All her electrical devices surrounding her. Often on charge because she’s an Internet junkie.
Books and art implements covering the opposite side of her queen size bed for one.
Pens, papers, scissors.. You name it.. it’s there.
She needs to be surrounded by it to get anything out of the inside of her.
It won’t come out on its own.
Pity that isn’t really helping too much. Because she will buy more and more and more.
But she is writing more often now.
Head often in her hands.
Why am I writing again?
The stats say nobody much reads?

If only she could write in such a way people noticed but no matter how deep she dug and how painful or beautiful her truth it didn’t mean it would be seen. Yet it never stopped her.
Truth be told she was getting stuff out here and there.. That much was needed.
She’d go crazy if she didn’t. Crazier than she already was.
BUT…. A huge but in more ways than one. It doesn’t seem to help anyone else but her. Does it?

Ipad has overheated. The fan is cooling that down as she uses the lap top this time. She swaps between one and the other.
The left side of her writing ap is crowded by links to recent writings. She doesn’t even know how to keep her lap top writing ap tidy. Messiness she is well known for. Her hand writing is ineligible. Least you can read this typing. Her writing is literally her heart leaking out in her words.

She fights on though. Saying something somewhere. Even though she is not a good communicator. Actually she sucks at it. She will shy away from face to face. She sweats, anxiously and awkwardly stumbles through conversations. Getting away from them as quickly as she can.

Just to get out of her anything at all is a miracle. Procrastination could be her middle name.
She wants to make a difference. She hopes she can. But confidence is not her strong point. Perhaps the lack of it scares people away. She doesn’t write for that reason. To make people notice. She writes because inside she burns. Burns to tell it. Tell what exactly she does not know but she burns still. She already knows she isn’t good at explaining things. Heaven alone only knows some of it. But she knows not everyone tells it and she does so that to her is something. It is a strong point a something point. Not fancy she knows that too. She prays that between the lines something more is seen. So she trusts that unknown and lets it take her where it will. That unseen. And she keeps fighting on. She is a soul. She has words. She writes not based on who she and how she is but on what is deep inside her and what she has to give. That strength that fights on and keeps coming out the more she uses it. That types on and doesn’t let outer stop the inner. Despite the lack of audience. She fights on. Despite often times having nothing inside to write from. A feeling of nothingness that brings forth something.

There is the miracle right there. So she keeps on keeping on.

She is smiling. The sun shines in her window. The words have been written. Another writing to file away and another one to share. A burden seems lifted. Effort recorded. Even as her methods remain the same and/or get worse.

Than as she checks her mobile.. A message.

She opens it up. Words on a tiny screen say “beautybeyondbones liked your post”… her smile grows wider.. That’s all she needs to keep on fighting..

Steel enters her soul. Her brokenness is her gift to the world and she does the only thing she knows to do. She shares her very soul through it.

 

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It’s OK

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DAY 11 – DAILY PROMPT:
Write a letter to your shadow, your alter ego, your darker side, or the parts of you that you have repressed in favor of your more socially acceptable persona. Try to include the reasons why you disowned these parts (or characters) and propose a reconciliation.

Not really a letter but I am speaking to myself. Definitely speaking to parts that have been repressed. Mistreatment of myself in any form that has hemmed me inside. I just find these words it’s OK to have great power in their simplicity. I think I have desperately needed to hear them for a long long time. I need to stop waiting to hear them from outside myself but to hear them deep within. To believe in them in my innermost self. It’s how I am created by the ALMIGHTY after all.

It’s OK

It’s Ok.
It’s Ok to feel all the feelings you feel.
Your not damaged or weird or awkward or clumsy.
Never too much.
You are enough.
Your beautiful.
You swear darling if you have too.
You cry rivers of tears so you can swim to the other side if you have too.
You laugh as loud and as long and as deliriously as you wish.
I love you. I love you.
You are precious even in your mess. In all your imperfection you are perfect.
There isn’t another you in all the world.
In the silence and in the loudness. Your still you.
Your still you when you talk without breath.
Your still you when you sing too loud.
Your still you when you talk to yourself.
Your still you when your vulnerable.
Your still you if you need to share hard things.
Your still you when darkness overwhelms you.
You are precious always.
If you need to tell it every day. Tell it.
If you need to retreat. Retreat.
It’s Ok. It’s all ok.
Be you. Be you in full.
That is how you were born.
That is how you will die.
This is how you will live.
You do live darling.
I see you.
I hear you.
I approve of you.
I smile because of you.
I value your heart always.
I see your strength.
I see your courage.
In smallness. In largeness.
In dramatics or childlike.
In whatever way you choose.
Don’t be afraid. Just be you.
It’s ok.

 

 

shadows

 

emotions

Hit Restore…

Standard

DAY 7 – DIG DEEPER: 
Recall an event that has had a great emotional impact on you but which you have a hard time talking about. Practice writing about it freestyle, in a journal format (to yourself).
Pay attention to the parts where you start shrinking. What type of fear lies behind it? What is it telling you? Can you reverse these statements, change this subconscious story running you?

 

The opposite of rejection according to a source on the Internet is acceptance and welcome.. Rejection, isolation through hearing loss and personal tragedies have all been my hardest emotional battle. Even sharing quite openly about them in public social media does not mean people will know or see or hear or notice. I have recently thought of my personal struggles as a type of curse on me. I know people who are not spiritual people would think that sounds weird. But watch movies and TV and there is always a battle where good and evil are depicted as being against each other. I see the struggles I have come against as evils way to shut me down. And the fact that so many seem oblivious to it is also is well known in our wider world. How many turn a blind eye to poverty, child abuse, racial issues, sex crimes, the environment and so forth and really do not want to know about it.. People seem not to care about the very issues we SHOULD care about.. Our fellow man. The destruction of rain forests. Cruelty towards animals and endangered species etc..

 
Unseen battles are hardest to fight. You are literally fighting them on your own and in your own power. I know as a spiritual person generally speaking Christian’s pray daily for each other or they should. We are told the importance of ‘praying always’. One prays for their world and if they have the gift of tongues (spiritual language). They are praying mysteries. By doing this they are literally praying for what I think is the wider world around them especially those who do not know about GOD or the whole way the world has been created to operate. We still know so little about the lives of men and women around us. In this day and age even with modern technology it has not helped us know our neighbors better. People have less to do with their communities and those in the homes around them. It would do us no good in this world without prayer that covered all the unseen violence and abuse found within homes even right next door.. The starving masses we see on the news that seem another world away. Creatures losing their habitats. Unforeseen accidents. Sickness, far away wars and acts of violence in nearly every country now. Homeless and battles of the elderly shut away. So many need help in this world that it be impossible for only some to pray for all without supernatural help. I can identify with those fighting unseen battles. It makes you speak up and it makes you bolder.
I am writing this like a type of documentary and I am not meaning too.

 

I am actually surprised how I am writing this. How it is coming from me as I write. Because mostly in my personal battles I have felt powerless and alone physically. Without seeing many people daily, 95% of the time only family. Even checking stats of my daily blog where I pour out my heart and soul. I can see there is not much attention. It just feels hopeless that anything I have to say will make any difference at all. Sometimes I find it hard even to get it typed up. The blog format will give me problems. I have issues hitting post once it is written. Than when I do post it nobody seems to notice or want to read. I feel that as acute rejection no matter if one should be looking for it or not. I have been very stubborn and kept going and although I feel good every time I put my heart out there. Yah it hurts to literally be invisible. People might say ‘Oh I see your very creative and God is using your talents’ but its few and far between. It is not near enough to think I am helping anyone at all.
I do not want to beg or seem desperate but nobody can live as an island to themselves little babies starved of attention die.
But as you continue on your journey and you walk a very lonely path you are literally writing yourself alive as this course suggests.. But you are constantly fighting the doubts which crowd in and you think what am I even doing this for?? Especially when I cannot communicate like the rest of the hearing world and the hearing world doesn’t seem to want to communicate with me at all. Read my writing that is.
I shut down. I lose my flow. I cannot find the energy to keep doing it. I feel small. I feel needy.. I feel I have nothing to give. I feel that nobody listens. I feel nobody cares. I feel unimportant. I feel on the wrong path. I feel neglected. I feel insecure. I do not feel confident. I feel trapped. I struggle to see beyond my own bedroom walls. Though thank GOD imagination, writing and arts and spiritual expression that give me a beautiful freedom do give me a wider vision. Keep me looking outward I can tell you!!

 
Another difficult part is not only with my offerings and gifts to the world but in feeling unimportant to the very people who could or should support me.. The ones I know the best and who should best know me. Key people in my life have in their treatment of me shown disrespect for the very core person I am. Been very hard to break free of that stronghold. Its like a strong force working against me. Chiding me. Ignoring me. Disapproving of me. Trying to quiet me instead of giving me room to speak. Ignoring me. It’s hard to speak about that if not many listen. We all need room to grow. We all need feedback. We all make mistakes in our growth that is how we learn but when you’re expected to be perfect or a certain way and you are not. It stifles growth and makes it hard to find a way through it. You fight so much to hold your ground you never get anywhere. You literally start to lose anything you have gained because even that is wrestled from you because like a plant without water you shrivel up.

 
I do not like to say things that make others looks bad.. One of the reasons I have isolated myself. Is exactly that I am not forced to tell the truth about mistreatment. I care about the people in my life. I don’t want to speak of injustice but the way I am. The way things have happened I cannot deny what has happened and how it has shaped my life. I cannot just say oh yes everything has been fine. It has been really really hard. Writing gives me a voice again. But there is so much unsaid over the years that has got to come up because unless it does.. I can’t find my voice.

 
Like an old person who is shut in. I have felt shut in. Unimportant to those around me or the greater plan. I found I could not speak very well. The more I kept myself from being fully myself the less easy it was to be free and confident. The very speaking I am doing here. The being honest. The being open is healing and helping and growth and it’s a very beautiful thing. For all of the trials. All of the loneliness. Words are my friends. They give me a way to flow in this world. They portray the very fibers that make me who I am today and even the bad parts are woven into the full life I am now expressing and enjoying. I do not have to be afraid of the bad times..

 
I can see though as I write even about the bad. The difficult and the soul destroying in my life. I have survived. For all the inner work, the isolation, the apparent selfishness, the writing about myself and daily facing struggles. There is strength there to be seen. I have not just done this all and kept it to myself. I am wanting to speak and share with the world around me which does not say I have given up. I associate myself with the world and those who also struggle. I see the need for acknowledging unseen struggles, the need for healing, support and growth through sharing. For using the bad for good and speaking about it too. For pressing through the hard times and for all of it to draw us closer together. Truth sets people free.

 
I can even see the timing of this as being crucial to exactly where I am in my journey. That even as I write I can see this being something that will begin to be put behind me. That to do this. To write this way has touched on the very core of who I am and who I want to be and brought the darkness out of me into the light where it has nothing to do but no longer be a part of who I am. When the light comes darkness must flee.