Category Archives: Healing

Boundaries 

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I haven’t blogged personally for a little while and yesterday I really enjoyed a course that I’m doing at Brave Girl University called ‘Soul Restoration’ and it was up to the topic of boundaries. Many years ago someone I knew suggested that I read a book about boundaries but I didn’t really look into it. They thought it be good for me because of the struggles that I had at the time. 

I realized today during the course that I wasn’t able to think about boundaries in my life back than because I wasn’t feeling good about myself and didn’t see anything worth protecting. 

But today while I was reading the captions on the videos and thinking of what Melody was saying I realized that I do value myself now and this truly appears as the next step to getting my trust back to venture out into the world. 

To feeling that I will not be destroyed or struggle excessively in the process.

I didn’t value myself so I let whomever come into my soul house and disrespect me and now I have tools to change that and to help myself when I face disrespect and people who do things/say things that don’t honour my value or trigger me in not so nice a way.

I can distance myself from that person and not let that person affect me to my detriment because I trusted them into my sacred space. I no longer have to allow their behaviour to destroy me because I took it to heart and let it churn me up inside.. 

It’s so helpful and timely, especially because this class was talking about people that come in and disrespect you like narcissists and I’ve dealt with these kinds of people before and learning how to cope with them has been a major problem area and one I’ve struggled with repeatedly.

 I unfortunately play along with thier games. I dance the dance. I feel I have to be nice even though the person is in no way valuing me. 

This course is exactly what I need at this point!! 

I feel confidence building that I now have tools to help me make wiser choices and it’s all extremely encouraging because it’s like God saying to me hey I see what you’ve gone through here is some help!! 

Even though I’ve kind of felt alone with this, a couple of people know but mostly I’m alone with this. The information in my path today it’s giving me much needed encouragement that I’m not going crazy. That this is a real thing in my life and God doesn’t want me to keep being defeated & anxious by it. HE cares about me and I see it as HIS hand upon me. HE has helped me learn my value, the truth of HIS presence & HIS unending love and I’m so thankful that through my faith HE always re-enforces my worth despite my imperfections. 

I did some art journal pages on my feelings yesterday after going through the class material and I felt hope welling up inside for moving forward and not being so stuck by past experiences.

Leaving this long lonely stretch of life behind.. 

 I feel for a long time that I have had to mostly shut the world out you know cuz it’s been so hard. I’ve dealt with some really difficult people over a long period and I have not been able to cope well with that and heal at the same time. I’ve not known the next step so I retreat because I always feel I have to be on the defence instead of the offence. 

What these people said to me and how these people treated me has lived continually on in my head and heart and I am no longer giving it permission to stay inside me anymore. 

And wonderfully this teaching isn’t about other people changing because that may not happen any time soon or at all. It’s about me making decisions to keep my heart & soul safe. Not giving anything that hurts me or anyone unsafe room in my life and finding a different way to live that honours my truth & value in the world. 

I don’t have to just take it inside myself anymore I can shut the door. I can say NO MORE because I don’t like the way that I’m being treated and I can step away from it and I can put some distance between myself and that person. 

With a bit of distance I can let them be themselves and not be taking anything they say on board and I feel so empowered. It feels like I’m no longer a victim. It feels like I’m strong and and I can keep my peace, and not react to what might happen next if people still do the same stuff to me.. 

I’m filled instead by the truth about myself that I’m worth protecting and it doesn’t have to be challenged every time someone undervalues me, that it is about me because I’ve had that said to me. I’ve heard it said that it’s not about me but no it is about me and I can say I’m valuable and I don’t like this. If I don’t like how I’m treated I don’t have to just put up with it and oh my gosh I feel much more confident to go out there and find people who do care about me. 

I can say well hey that’s what you think, but I know the truth about myself.. This boundary teaching was absolutely 100% on point and exactly what I need.. I am saying thank you, thank you God so much, so much! 

I can choose what comes into my soul house I do have to take it on board. 

I thank God for this and Melody Ross!! 

Brave Girls University 

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Authenticity

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I wrote a poem about how I need people to be honest and open with me.. how for the most part people are not.. but it’s not impossible..

 If we can’t be our full selves with someone how on earth can people relate? I think that’s the answer to building trust with a person and a close intimate relationship it’s why our relationship with the Lord becomes so beautiful and personal and why we run to Him.. all we can do is be authentically ourselves and I really do think it will bring close those who really want to know us where they too can be themselves.. I think also we heal from hurts in any place where a person is fully able to be themselves.. It takes time though to feel safe enough to do this.. or it is an extreme act of bravery.

This journey of life seems to be about each person coming to this knowledge.. I really do think that would be heaven on earth.. where what seems a desert experience, hard place will be a place to bloom and where authenticity will bring connection to us all.. 

it’s like this “authenticity” message is where it’s at for me right now.. 

After writing this almost immediately this was shown on “The Voice” in Australia.. ❤️️

A poem I wrote – Infant loss

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I am currently doing a free 6 week course at Future Learn called Literature and Mental Health via the University of Warwick. Current topic is “Speaking words we can’t find”. Asked to share – Are there any pieces of literature – old or modern, prose or poetry – that speak to you in the way that Katherine Philips’ poem speaks to Paula?

We have  been studying a poem by Katherine Phillips she wrote on the loss of a little baby boy which remarkably was written in the 1600’s.

I have also lost an infant baby boy. So this study is very very close to my heart. I was given a miracle of peace by God when I lost our baby infant back in 1997 which changed my whole life. For some strange reason I was easily able to talk about it too at the time but very few around me were available to me to listen to the extent I needed. So one day I got out my electric typewriter and decided to write about everything. I guess I just imagined I could do that all in one sitting. lol it isn’t possible of course. I eventually wrote 29 chapters.

But it is wonderful the very first thing I wrote was a poem. It was just a small piece of writing to lead into the actual main piece of writing which was the first chapter and so on. It was a miracle I wrote at all because I had three other little children to raise at the time I started and it came remarkably easy and I had never written a book before or since. I will add the link to this blog post to the university comment section to share it with others there but also because it was straight from a grieving mothers heart and I just see that it helped me to get it out, to see it in written form and others have been helped by it too. I have not edited it, it is the exact same form I wrote it. The very first thing I wrote before I typed up what is now the entire story. It doesn’t even have a title it was just the leading paragraph at the very start. To introduce the story. Again it is a miracle also this poem began it all because at that time I HAD never written poetry before either.

I have even kept it in the form first written. because as I have been learning in the course, the written form is also part of how we express our emotions etc.. It is religious in nature because my faith was exactly what was helping me through. All based on a miracle of peace from God through this terrible period when our baby son Tyler was born, became very ill when he was only a few days old and died at 8 weeks old from a heart/lung abnormality.

See in the address up top of this blog.. eternalpeacechild. It is all linked to what I experienced through this loss. My online name is peacechild4.

I have not ever published the book.. I did share the chapters on face book and with family and friends in written form and on a few websites but not as book form or even ebook form. Poem in bold so you know what is the actual poem..

 

I wrote this poem, a mother coming to terms with the death of my child.
I have seen much that I have had no control over. I have suffered the weight of feelings I can’t escape.

What I experienced alongside my child has survived.
So precious that I had to write this down.
Although nothing can take away what has happened.
I know throughout his life there was meaning.

If my son received the inner peace throughout that I have been given through my faith in Jesus Christ.
Then all that I saw, all that my child went through, that has produced my lack of fear to write, brings hope.

I have the calming reason to believe, that from my experience of peace. I am given assurance of how much more Tyler deserved it, and how a loving God would give all the more to him.

In my impression of Tyler’s story I endeavor to share how he received what I now hold onto.

Tyler’s Story never ends.
It just begun in a different place.



Burn Book

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Over 11,000 words now in my burn book so far.. see pic on link to my Instagram account if you want a little more info on what a burn book is. This is a little bit of what I am writing/working through today.. 

“I certainly have learnt so much through all this so far. People can’t give us what we think they should. They cannot fill in gaps in ourselves. We are the only people who can do that. Us and GOD. We shouldn’t control people that isn’t love. We can guide, counsel, advise (when we have permission and the other person welcomes it ) but love is most important and especially acceptance. Space to fail or fly. Permission to fail or fly. Encouragement for everything. 

I can see a turning around in me.. A healing springing forth.. I am so thankful. I see myself looking not just at others who’ve hurt me but rather looking more intently at who I am now so that what I thought were once hurt places ( because of this person or that). I cannot see this as clearly anymore and I am not as stuck on it, I don’t see it in quite the same light anymore. ❤ ” 

I have been working on a page full of prompts and it’s a tiresome process. I still have a ways to go through them. I can see them helping me though. I can feel shifts inside me. Last night I felt rather poorly. But today I am feeling better and confidently sitting here and keeping on with it. Getting a bit more excited by the process. So very needed I can tell you. 

A link to Brave Girls University where you can learn more about this course and many others. Soul Restoration is the one I am currently doing. Here.. 


Loved this quote & pic from my calendar yesterday.. appropriate much.. 

Epiphany to a broken relationship

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The perfect solution would be to start afresh. With no preconceived reminders of what we used to think of each other and where the other might be coming from. No longer a competition or any jealousy. Talking to one another as if we were great lovers or long distance friends who had not seen each other in a very long time. That every word was dripping with such an intense desire to be known and heard and we were lapping it up no matter how simple or sublime.
As if we had been transported immediately to heaven and there was nothing evil from past, present or future that could steal the genuineness of these moments. We loved each other. We adored each other and there was nothing at all to hold us back from the bliss at being in each others company. Pureness of heart in each. Total attention. Total freedom. Sweet, holy, divine.

———-

Thankfully I had awareness of the past but a protective shield on my heart to prevent me breaking down from the ugliness of it. It only made the beauty of this moment more exquisite. There you were all shiny and new. The smile on your face would surpass any I’ve seen on earth. It was genuine. Everyone that came here smiled the same yet every smile was uniquely stunning.

I stood like a statue. I guess maybe I could have run and hugged you. The kind that dramatic movies on earth capture so well in films. We have not ever had that kind of relationship before that we’d ever have done that but maybe we deeply wanted too. I knew we had no time constrictions in this place and there’s a gentle calm to every interaction. No need to rush here, it’s a forever thing. You are astonishingly beautiful. All the worldly heaviness you’d carried on earth gone. Lightness, carefree and shiny. You had eyes for me and there was no physical turning away that had dogged us on earth. I knew here you were also healed and free from physical impairments. You walked with a spring in your step. Confidence oozing but not in a way that belittled anyone else. Maybe others around were aware of this moment too. I do not know but it seemed only us present for the now.
There were no words our eyes held a knowing between us that spoke eons and our heads nodded in synchronization. We were filled with understanding that all the past had been dealt with and it could no longer separate us. We were free. Finally utterly free. Our minds, if they could be called minds in this place, were able to communicate everything with a glance. Pure love flowing continuously between us and words just simply were not necessary anymore.

We didn’t even need the thing loved ones on earth called embrace. But our arms found each other at long last and it was not fake this time it was real and if time were a thing here. For a time we did not let go.

Fighting broken..

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Sitting on her arse again.
If she got up. You’d see a bum print on her bed.
Pillows half pushed through the narrow gap between mattress and bed head.
That is where she sits and writes.
All her electrical devices surrounding her. Often on charge because she’s an Internet junkie.
Books and art implements covering the opposite side of her queen size bed for one.
Pens, papers, scissors.. You name it.. it’s there.
She needs to be surrounded by it to get anything out of the inside of her.
It won’t come out on its own.
Pity that isn’t really helping too much. Because she will buy more and more and more.
But she is writing more often now.
Head often in her hands.
Why am I writing again?
The stats say nobody much reads?

If only she could write in such a way people noticed but no matter how deep she dug and how painful or beautiful her truth it didn’t mean it would be seen. Yet it never stopped her.
Truth be told she was getting stuff out here and there.. That much was needed.
She’d go crazy if she didn’t. Crazier than she already was.
BUT…. A huge but in more ways than one. It doesn’t seem to help anyone else but her. Does it?

Ipad has overheated. The fan is cooling that down as she uses the lap top this time. She swaps between one and the other.
The left side of her writing ap is crowded by links to recent writings. She doesn’t even know how to keep her lap top writing ap tidy. Messiness she is well known for. Her hand writing is ineligible. Least you can read this typing. Her writing is literally her heart leaking out in her words.

She fights on though. Saying something somewhere. Even though she is not a good communicator. Actually she sucks at it. She will shy away from face to face. She sweats, anxiously and awkwardly stumbles through conversations. Getting away from them as quickly as she can.

Just to get out of her anything at all is a miracle. Procrastination could be her middle name.
She wants to make a difference. She hopes she can. But confidence is not her strong point. Perhaps the lack of it scares people away. She doesn’t write for that reason. To make people notice. She writes because inside she burns. Burns to tell it. Tell what exactly she does not know but she burns still. She already knows she isn’t good at explaining things. Heaven alone only knows some of it. But she knows not everyone tells it and she does so that to her is something. It is a strong point a something point. Not fancy she knows that too. She prays that between the lines something more is seen. So she trusts that unknown and lets it take her where it will. That unseen. And she keeps fighting on. She is a soul. She has words. She writes not based on who she and how she is but on what is deep inside her and what she has to give. That strength that fights on and keeps coming out the more she uses it. That types on and doesn’t let outer stop the inner. Despite the lack of audience. She fights on. Despite often times having nothing inside to write from. A feeling of nothingness that brings forth something.

There is the miracle right there. So she keeps on keeping on.

She is smiling. The sun shines in her window. The words have been written. Another writing to file away and another one to share. A burden seems lifted. Effort recorded. Even as her methods remain the same and/or get worse.

Than as she checks her mobile.. A message.

She opens it up. Words on a tiny screen say “beautybeyondbones liked your post”… her smile grows wider.. That’s all she needs to keep on fighting..

Steel enters her soul. Her brokenness is her gift to the world and she does the only thing she knows to do. She shares her very soul through it.

 

brokenwing

It’s OK

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DAY 11 – DAILY PROMPT:
Write a letter to your shadow, your alter ego, your darker side, or the parts of you that you have repressed in favor of your more socially acceptable persona. Try to include the reasons why you disowned these parts (or characters) and propose a reconciliation.

Not really a letter but I am speaking to myself. Definitely speaking to parts that have been repressed. Mistreatment of myself in any form that has hemmed me inside. I just find these words it’s OK to have great power in their simplicity. I think I have desperately needed to hear them for a long long time. I need to stop waiting to hear them from outside myself but to hear them deep within. To believe in them in my innermost self. It’s how I am created by the ALMIGHTY after all.

It’s OK

It’s Ok.
It’s Ok to feel all the feelings you feel.
Your not damaged or weird or awkward or clumsy.
Never too much.
You are enough.
Your beautiful.
You swear darling if you have too.
You cry rivers of tears so you can swim to the other side if you have too.
You laugh as loud and as long and as deliriously as you wish.
I love you. I love you.
You are precious even in your mess. In all your imperfection you are perfect.
There isn’t another you in all the world.
In the silence and in the loudness. Your still you.
Your still you when you talk without breath.
Your still you when you sing too loud.
Your still you when you talk to yourself.
Your still you when your vulnerable.
Your still you if you need to share hard things.
Your still you when darkness overwhelms you.
You are precious always.
If you need to tell it every day. Tell it.
If you need to retreat. Retreat.
It’s Ok. It’s all ok.
Be you. Be you in full.
That is how you were born.
That is how you will die.
This is how you will live.
You do live darling.
I see you.
I hear you.
I approve of you.
I smile because of you.
I value your heart always.
I see your strength.
I see your courage.
In smallness. In largeness.
In dramatics or childlike.
In whatever way you choose.
Don’t be afraid. Just be you.
It’s ok.

 

 

shadows

 

emotions

Hit Restore…

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DAY 7 – DIG DEEPER: 
Recall an event that has had a great emotional impact on you but which you have a hard time talking about. Practice writing about it freestyle, in a journal format (to yourself).
Pay attention to the parts where you start shrinking. What type of fear lies behind it? What is it telling you? Can you reverse these statements, change this subconscious story running you?

 

The opposite of rejection according to a source on the Internet is acceptance and welcome.. Rejection, isolation through hearing loss and personal tragedies have all been my hardest emotional battle. Even sharing quite openly about them in public social media does not mean people will know or see or hear or notice. I have recently thought of my personal struggles as a type of curse on me. I know people who are not spiritual people would think that sounds weird. But watch movies and TV and there is always a battle where good and evil are depicted as being against each other. I see the struggles I have come against as evils way to shut me down. And the fact that so many seem oblivious to it is also is well known in our wider world. How many turn a blind eye to poverty, child abuse, racial issues, sex crimes, the environment and so forth and really do not want to know about it.. People seem not to care about the very issues we SHOULD care about.. Our fellow man. The destruction of rain forests. Cruelty towards animals and endangered species etc..

 
Unseen battles are hardest to fight. You are literally fighting them on your own and in your own power. I know as a spiritual person generally speaking Christian’s pray daily for each other or they should. We are told the importance of ‘praying always’. One prays for their world and if they have the gift of tongues (spiritual language). They are praying mysteries. By doing this they are literally praying for what I think is the wider world around them especially those who do not know about GOD or the whole way the world has been created to operate. We still know so little about the lives of men and women around us. In this day and age even with modern technology it has not helped us know our neighbors better. People have less to do with their communities and those in the homes around them. It would do us no good in this world without prayer that covered all the unseen violence and abuse found within homes even right next door.. The starving masses we see on the news that seem another world away. Creatures losing their habitats. Unforeseen accidents. Sickness, far away wars and acts of violence in nearly every country now. Homeless and battles of the elderly shut away. So many need help in this world that it be impossible for only some to pray for all without supernatural help. I can identify with those fighting unseen battles. It makes you speak up and it makes you bolder.
I am writing this like a type of documentary and I am not meaning too.

 

I am actually surprised how I am writing this. How it is coming from me as I write. Because mostly in my personal battles I have felt powerless and alone physically. Without seeing many people daily, 95% of the time only family. Even checking stats of my daily blog where I pour out my heart and soul. I can see there is not much attention. It just feels hopeless that anything I have to say will make any difference at all. Sometimes I find it hard even to get it typed up. The blog format will give me problems. I have issues hitting post once it is written. Than when I do post it nobody seems to notice or want to read. I feel that as acute rejection no matter if one should be looking for it or not. I have been very stubborn and kept going and although I feel good every time I put my heart out there. Yah it hurts to literally be invisible. People might say ‘Oh I see your very creative and God is using your talents’ but its few and far between. It is not near enough to think I am helping anyone at all.
I do not want to beg or seem desperate but nobody can live as an island to themselves little babies starved of attention die.
But as you continue on your journey and you walk a very lonely path you are literally writing yourself alive as this course suggests.. But you are constantly fighting the doubts which crowd in and you think what am I even doing this for?? Especially when I cannot communicate like the rest of the hearing world and the hearing world doesn’t seem to want to communicate with me at all. Read my writing that is.
I shut down. I lose my flow. I cannot find the energy to keep doing it. I feel small. I feel needy.. I feel I have nothing to give. I feel that nobody listens. I feel nobody cares. I feel unimportant. I feel on the wrong path. I feel neglected. I feel insecure. I do not feel confident. I feel trapped. I struggle to see beyond my own bedroom walls. Though thank GOD imagination, writing and arts and spiritual expression that give me a beautiful freedom do give me a wider vision. Keep me looking outward I can tell you!!

 
Another difficult part is not only with my offerings and gifts to the world but in feeling unimportant to the very people who could or should support me.. The ones I know the best and who should best know me. Key people in my life have in their treatment of me shown disrespect for the very core person I am. Been very hard to break free of that stronghold. Its like a strong force working against me. Chiding me. Ignoring me. Disapproving of me. Trying to quiet me instead of giving me room to speak. Ignoring me. It’s hard to speak about that if not many listen. We all need room to grow. We all need feedback. We all make mistakes in our growth that is how we learn but when you’re expected to be perfect or a certain way and you are not. It stifles growth and makes it hard to find a way through it. You fight so much to hold your ground you never get anywhere. You literally start to lose anything you have gained because even that is wrestled from you because like a plant without water you shrivel up.

 
I do not like to say things that make others looks bad.. One of the reasons I have isolated myself. Is exactly that I am not forced to tell the truth about mistreatment. I care about the people in my life. I don’t want to speak of injustice but the way I am. The way things have happened I cannot deny what has happened and how it has shaped my life. I cannot just say oh yes everything has been fine. It has been really really hard. Writing gives me a voice again. But there is so much unsaid over the years that has got to come up because unless it does.. I can’t find my voice.

 
Like an old person who is shut in. I have felt shut in. Unimportant to those around me or the greater plan. I found I could not speak very well. The more I kept myself from being fully myself the less easy it was to be free and confident. The very speaking I am doing here. The being honest. The being open is healing and helping and growth and it’s a very beautiful thing. For all of the trials. All of the loneliness. Words are my friends. They give me a way to flow in this world. They portray the very fibers that make me who I am today and even the bad parts are woven into the full life I am now expressing and enjoying. I do not have to be afraid of the bad times..

 
I can see though as I write even about the bad. The difficult and the soul destroying in my life. I have survived. For all the inner work, the isolation, the apparent selfishness, the writing about myself and daily facing struggles. There is strength there to be seen. I have not just done this all and kept it to myself. I am wanting to speak and share with the world around me which does not say I have given up. I associate myself with the world and those who also struggle. I see the need for acknowledging unseen struggles, the need for healing, support and growth through sharing. For using the bad for good and speaking about it too. For pressing through the hard times and for all of it to draw us closer together. Truth sets people free.

 
I can even see the timing of this as being crucial to exactly where I am in my journey. That even as I write I can see this being something that will begin to be put behind me. That to do this. To write this way has touched on the very core of who I am and who I want to be and brought the darkness out of me into the light where it has nothing to do but no longer be a part of who I am. When the light comes darkness must flee.

 

Pride Verses Shame.

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This one surprised me.

I have made it my focus not to be ‘religious’ cause that has been a great stumbling block to me. I want freedom of spirit more than anything else.

40+ years of being a certain way, being like everyone else; until you do different: you have no idea how much in a box you are.

So when things come out of me of their own free will when I have thrown off the restraints and what has been my past.. what I write speaks to me too.

WRITING PROMPT Write a two column list. On the left, write 5-10 regrets. On the right, write 5-10 things you’re proud of accomplishing. Take note of the similarities in all of your regrets, all of the differences in your accomplishments. Write about why we are more diverse in our pride than we are in our shame.

 
1. Regret that I have not written every day.
2. Regret that I get afraid to write the truth.
3. Regret that I let others opinions shut me down.
4. Regret that I cannot always see that this is my calling.
5. Regret that I cannot always see that I am enough no matter how others have treated me.
6. I regret I bought into the lie my rising up puts others down.
7. I regret I bought into the lie that life isn’t about me. It is about me and everyone else too. 🙂
8. I regret thinking for one moment I can’t make a difference.

 
1. I am proud that I persist and have not given up.
2. I am proud that I have not stopped shining my light..
3. I am proud that I can express myself uniquely and say it fearlessly.
4. I am proud that I can be fully myself without fear.
5. I am proud that my failures do not define me.
6. I am proud GOD is with me and loves me and stands with me always and that He has given me freedom!!
7. I am proud that I have a voice and I have something to say and I keep saying it.
8. I am proud that my rising up gives others inspiration that they can too!

 
We are diverse in our pride because it’s who we are created to be!! We are formed from HIS perfect image.. Creator of our big beautiful planet also created us.. With all its different and exotic lands but yet similarities in the very cells that make up our  DNA the very fabric of life itself. We each one are highly prized and important and so precious many just have not known it.

Our differences and our unique talents make life interesting and exquisite.. In the way we say things and in the way we do things. Who wants to be the same!! The beauty is in being different! We can all hold our heads up because we are created individually and we all compliment one another. Humanity has believed the lie we all have faults though (see it in the way we treat ourselves, our fellow man, planet and creatures) and yet to know the fullest truth that the spirit within us all unites us and brings freedom to become our fullest selves.. That anything we fail at right now will not ultimately keep us down. We can accept each other because we know all of us are free and equal in worth. Free to embrace each other without fear. We need to emphasize the strengths and not focus on anything else because the time is coming when all of us will know the truth and our world as we know it will be righted. All people and creatures will be appreciated and all seen and known as precious. I am thankful as a believer in Jesus Christ that I know the truth and one day we will all experience heaven on earth. This knowledge will always be a basis in everything I write about and why I enjoy expressing spirit and creatively the way I do and how I hold out hope when things do not appear to be good or make sense or when I am imprisoned by disability of flesh. ❤

 

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Not Powerless

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You have to face it some time.. First by realizing it’s there.. And second by realizing your not powerless.The thing is by doing the same thing over and over it ISN’T changing.. And that is why I need to do something.

I faced huge battles before when two people were ganging up on me. They didn’t know it at the time. But it was very apparent to me and very hard to deal with.. GOD gave me help with it.. By a little sesame street song. “That’s about the size.. Where you put your eyes.. That’s about the size of it..”

To me these people were dominating me and so much so that I was shrinking being around them.. Powerless.

But by changing my mindset I don’t know it seemed to help somehow. I saw myself bigger and the problem seemed to shrink. And that is about all I did.. I was playing a victim role.. Now I see myself way higher and taller and stronger.. And the bullies or problem people are way down below.. Maybe they are still doing the same things but somehow this new vision made everything lose its power.

I have had problems with anxiety.. Over_______. ____ is also not aware. Blissfully unaware mostly or so it seems. I need to see this differently too now.. Use the same tactics to overcome this battle.. Because sometimes its about all I think of.. Soul destroying.

Yes it seems unfair that I am targeted so much, for so long and through the people closest to me.. AND especially that they cannot see it so I am even more alone.. Urgghh… to try to explain to people who SHOULD support you and SHOULD listen and they see nothing.. Is the craziest, weirdest and most frustrating thing.. You would think they would simply believe you based on who you are.. And that you are telling them and they should just believe you. But when you look into their face and they aren’t believing you and look at you like you’ve lost your marbles.. Make excuses and try to justify it. It is like having all the air in your chest released and yet your supposed to continue to breathe. Every day you’re thinking why should I tell them anything.. They won’t believe that either.. Your battling every day against being believed as well as what the abuse is doing to you and you become more and more alone.. Your struggling in silence and they look at your struggles and than judge you not on the cause of your struggles but that you are failing and that it must be your fault cause look at you.. Instead of think.. Wow she’s changed.. What could have happened to her to become like that? What pain must be occurring to act like that? What if she IS telling the truth? Heaven forbid that she is telling the truth?!?

Why in the hell would I lie? 

So further and further away they and myself become.. Nothing I  say will make any difference so I start to become silent with them. It’s how it happens.. And than to top it off the person giving you strife is welcomed in and seen as the victim instead lol. Ohh please can it get any more painful so your stabbed again and again as you struggle and they rise.. And forever kept in chains as the victim by the people who could help you but refuse too because this couldn’t possibly be happening.

I think telling your story is one way to take back your personal power.. Ok some already don’t believe me.. But maybe someone else will. Or maybe some peoples eyes will start to be opened to what is really going on. Also as the scripture says Gods power is working through me and its appears the best way to show it. 

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9