Category Archives: Prayer

Be at Peace.. 

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 When your humanly fragile.

It’s too hard.. 

It’s humanly impossible. 

Your weakened.

Whatever has happened. 

Straw that breaks the camels back..

Something small that seems to tip the scales.

Feel the weight of everything. 

In that moment.

Could just collapse.

Give up. 

But… 

Instead.. 

You switch to auxiliary power. 

You pray with tears or anger. 

Maybe only one word.

Help!!!

For in that moment.

You just can’t.

Than it comes. 

Slowly like a blanket.

Laid gently on your shoulders.

You sense a release. 

Hope rises ever so gently in your chest. 

You breathe again.


 

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Darkness has not Overcome

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DAY 27 – DAILY PROMPT:
Tell us exactly where you would be if you were never allowed to write again from this day forward. Explain what it would do to your life, what it would do to your mental state of mind, and what, if any, new practices would replace it, to help you feel balanced.
Think deeply about how this has changed since you began this course, explain to us what you feel.

A new way has been opened up to me even as I procrastinate my way through this writing course. Yes I started something new before I finished this. So me right now. :\
Even though I love writing very much. I am also a very visual person too. So writing has had it’s place and so does doing something with my hands art wise or sharing my feelings in a different manner. If I stopped writing I could easily shift into creative expression via paint with a mantra written on a canvas or art journalling or with photography. In fact I have stopped writing almost..
Still words of course but its not relying totally on the written word but using one word or a few words to say it composed with colors, textures, little images and basically my heart on a canvas instead.
As I move through my life at this point. Pretty well everything is fitting. It might be a quote with a prompt, or a word even, or how a question is asked and the timing. The fact that so much of this I cannot tell anyone just about drives me bonkers as I have few I talk about feelings etc with or how I am feeling. I couldn’t stop now if I tried it’s just I have to channel it somewhere right. Except I cannot stand still and question it because to me it doesn’t really make sense but the joy drives me on. I have to keep going and trust the process and the unfolding.

 

Last night I had a dream, a night mare that woke me up around 3am. So I am going to let this go here as part of this prompt which shows the changes in me I think. As I said everything fits. Even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else it does to me. All I can do is share it the best way I can.
Perhaps the dream was influenced by the graphic images on TV and in the news right now. Brussels has been hit with terrorist attacks and many people have died and many more injured. It is scary times in our world. I pray for all those affected but trying to grasp it with human understanding is unsettling and you cannot fathom why these things continue to happen. You cannot easily just sit with it.
In my dream I was deep in the forest with my youngest daughter. It was getting late and light was fading fast. I was aware that I was moving away from where I needed to be to safely find my way out. I knew I had to back track from where I currently was. Than I knew from that place I could find my way home. Except that it was getting darker. My phone was low on power so I couldn’t ring or use my phone for much light when it really got dark. It was an eerie feeling indeed knowing I was in a bad way. I knew that although I could at this point find my way home, the coming darkness would make me lose all sense of where I was and than I really would be completely lost. Time was running out it seemed. I am so glad in my dream my daughter was there.. I was not alone like I am often or seem to be in my physical life. That was the one hopeful thing in my dream. Even as I lay in the darkness semi awake I was trying to find a way out.. Trying to create an ending for that dream before it went away.
My heart was beating a bit fast.. The dark of the night in my bedroom seemed to be closing in. I do what I always know to do. I prayed. I prayed for help for what my dream meant. What my life meant. What my creative spirit means. You kind of bring all that is going on in your life into that prayer at that moment. I knew I was safe. It was just a dream except that I was feeling disturbed in my spirit.. I used that to keep praying. Prayed for the world. Prayed for Brussels. Saw messages coming in on my phone. Light flashes when messages are coming in and other times that has woken me up. My friend was struggling very same time too. So I prayed for him. I didn’t reply though at the time. I draw great comfort from knowing GOD with me and the wonderful thing about praying for others is I can feel comfort for them too even if all I am doing for them is to pray.
I thought to myself if the dream was real I would have prayed for us at that point. I would have found comfort even being lost in the forest.
As I kept praying till I found peace in my soul I thanked God for just the comfort and help HE gives me always and whenever I have troubles.
Than I prayed some more about the world who doesn’t know to pray or to find comfort when they are lost, confused, troubled in spirit and the way is not clear. Things became clear to me as I lay there in darkness praying.. Right than and there nobody could help me. No one around at 3am with me physically. I could wake up sleeping children lol but they couldn’t have helped me find peace. I thought of people who are hit by terrorists especially the ones injured and dazed. Who have survived and are injured. It would be terrifying. For many they are alone right at that moment.
Made me think of them and hoping they knew to pray. Because there are moments in all our lives when we are in need.. Maybe not by acts of terrorism. But we are in need, lonely, scared, injured of body or soul or both, when we need assurance. When there is nobody around who knows or understands and sometimes even we can be surrounded by people and feel alone. We need help when there are no answers or its getting darker and more difficult and we cannot explain it easily. We need comfort. No one though can be with us 24/7. Even the best of the most supportive people cannot do that.
I thought of how so much falls so short. Yet God knows exactly where we are. HE is everywhere. People may not know that or may not even believe in HIM. People might even curse HIM at those times. I found HIM in my moment. I received comfort. But than I know HE is there I believe HE is there. Right than though there was no visual sign. I have loud noises in my ears they were still there.. I don’t have anything else that comforts me or another person sharing my bed. It is still dark. I am still in my room. Alone. Still a single mother. Still have mess under my bed and clutter surrounding me. Still have doubts about my own life and where my place is in the world. I mean I didn’t see flashes of insight or angels. I have had to go through times when I had to be stubborn about my faith. When it seemed there was no one who cared, no help coming, everything unfamiliar, nobody noticing, speaking what seems insanity, seemed to be anti-me etc..
Things became clearer as I prayed, just talked to God about everything in my own way. I have so little to offer anyone in this world. Especially those who are REALLY feeling lost and alone and abandoned and it REALLY is getting darker for them.. But I do know to pray and I do know the comfort I feel and have felt and the assurance in my heart of one who is greater and close despite the lost-ness one can feel, the ever encroaching darkness and thudding heart.
I felt even joy last night. A deepening excitement about my faith, about my creative expressions and what was stirring in my heart from this time with GOD. About what I have and feel inside me. Faith. Hope. Joy. Peace. But also direction and inspiration did come. I mean I don’t have much validation and support for my creative life even my spiritual life. But I do know HIM like I do. Although many times I have written here at my blog or shared my faith publicly with family, friends and connections and many have not seemed to notice or appear to care. Still I keep going. I have even more reason too now. Even though my faith is not main stream or like many I know personally. In the darkness I can feel the light.. totally at peace and happy and feeling freer than ever before.
Assurance was the word that last night stood out to me. My writing or expressive outlet is branching off into using a canvas, paint and only a few words to share my heart, voice and self to the world. I know that will be the word for my next canvas!! It will be based on last night. Truly it was much more wonderful than I can put into words. Honestly this writing and my telling it falls short. But I know within me there is something greater happening despite my frustrations to say things and be heard and seen.
I think my picture to go with this writing will be just be a screen shot of my Iphone where I hurriedly wrote down my thoughts from last night.. of course the picture doesn’t show everything I wrote but most of it. Just to re-enforce what I scribbled down so I could remember it today and share it. You see for me. I cannot not share it. I see all things work together for good and I am believing if I am greatly moved perhaps someone else might be helped too.. ((Pic included with a screen shot from TV because I am always encouraged whenever I see these sunlight streams from heaven and I had to take a pic ))… isn’t it weird the patterns that my camera picked up lol from the transmission and the words “Let Light Shine Out of the Darkness” was a free clip art the Over ap gives its users every day.. Altogether Perfect huh!!
For me its about internal. Spirit. Kingdom is within. Eternity. Because HE is our world’s creator connection with all. Trusting GOD in the darkness and in the light. I get high on the most high.. 🙂 I remember praying to HIM and saying. LORD you are the same GOD who created Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, Oprah Winfrey, Frida Kahlo.. Etc pulling famous peoples names from my brain.. Yet you’re with me here and now. I mean the very most famous souls on earth that ever lived past, present and future. You created them and yet YOU are here with me.. I might not be noticed or have millions hang on my every word or creative endeavor. But I know YOU are with me and the same YOU created them. I can trust YOU and just keep going and doing what I know to do because YOU are with me too!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

 

Light in Darkness

Creative Alchemy

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DAY 8 – DIG DEEPER:
Compare the person you are before you write to the person you are after creative alchemy takes place. Focus on details: how you feel physically, mentally, emotionally — before & after. Compare the pain of doing it to the pain of not doing it.

 
Before — A little tense. A huge hot coffee by my side. I usually do not have a flow till it starts. But I have a desire to get what is in me out. I usually have a good idea of what I want to write. I feel a little heavy in soul. I have a need to do something more. I usually have a huge sense of need to express myself. Need to release. Want to write. I have to be alone. Tv off. Social media off. I often pray because in myself I do not feel that I can say anything worth hearing I need Gods help and direction. I get restless. I have a need to keep going till it is done which is so unlike anything else I do. I do not care so much about the other things in life around me that need doing. Might be dishes that are stacked waiting to be washed. Clothing in the washing machine waiting to be hung out. Bed unmade. I am not in a hurry to do much of all that.
I am aware this is my thing. It is something I can do. It keeps me alive and sane and focused. I am not writing for an audience but I am hoping it is read. That is serves its purpose but I do not write and create for rewards. I basically just have to do it. I do very much enjoy it and it inspires me and I think to myself if I live the life I live and frustration about heavy things I can’t change lifts when I creatively let go. It just might be a help to someone else too to see me keep on keeping on the way I do.

I have a closeted life, I am introverted and deaf and I have faced hard loss in my life. It is like letting a dove in a cage out to be freed. Except the dove is me.

 

After —  I often praise GOD and thank Him I DID something and I got something of my heart and soul out there in the big wide world web because which is where pretty well all my writing and creativity end up. I have seen in my life small inconsequential things that appear to have had little meaning at the time become life altering later on when one looks back or finds out just what it amounted too.

So I release my writing to GOD and let it go. As it is. Simple. Just doing the work no matter what others think or what is the trend others follow. And than let what happens to it and what it means in the wider sense be whatever it will be. Just the container the words and expressions flow through. Be they worth nothing to anyone or something to someone. That is not my concern.

Via my blog or on social media. For all the that sits undone in my house I can feel a real sense of release that something is done and finished and accomplished. Spiritual is to me way more important than physical. To me it is my soul work. It is my calling and my gift to the world. It is what I think I am in this world for. I don’t put a lot of weight on the normal things everyone else sees as important. This soul work is what will remain when I am no more and Internet is so readily accessible world wide your going beyond the little borders of your own little skin suit in the world. Letting your light shine.

I am very grateful for finishing a blog post and hitting publish. There is an overriding sense to check it again. Often in a re-reading I find little mistakes I overlooked. Formatting might have stuffed up and I am not happy with it if the writing is all scrunched up. I like breaks in my writing its easier to read and digest that way. It is a rather silent joy. A little fist pump in the air that only God and I know about it. I do feel much lighter. Maybe a little apprehension putting it out in public and wondering what people will think. For the most I never really do know. So that only lasts a little while. I know if I die without acknowledgment of mankind for my creative life I did what I wanted to do. Said what I wanted to say and enjoyed it and I am free and at peace and joy fills my heart and soul.

Unexpected

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Don’t know for how long.
I’ve wanted the unexpected.
Longed for it like water is needed in a dry and dusty land.
For what though?
I can’t name it or put it into words.
Just an intense ache.
Looking for a window to open up.
For things to make sense.
Something more to happen.
Energy-less.
Stationary.
Waiting.
A tiredness of soul that no thing or person can touch.
Now knowing why or for what or how to address it.
Not held back or sad even. 
Just an unknowing of a way to go forward.
Little desire to do anything.
My world seems empty.
So I cry out to GOD.
With what breath I have left I pray.
It all drives me to HIM..
No answer in any other place.

 
    

My way to cope with pain..

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From Heart Recylce 101 – Workshop.

How did you cope / are coping with the pain? Remember, pain doesn’t magically disappear. It must be recycled. What have you been recycling this pain into, so far? 

My faith has made all the difference and prayer. Support online.. I also have the burning in my bones need to share.. Although it might seem I’m looking for attention. If I didn’t do what I do. I’m talking entirely to myself or writing stacks of diaries or going bananas.. I needs air, light, even someone to say “Oh I go through that too..” It has kept me sane. Given me support.. If I waited till the people came to me to offer me support. I’d be dead. 

It’s like excercising but for the Spirit.

So I go to the people online. Whoever it might be. I can’t exactly sit down and have a chin wag lol. Talk. I can’t hear (deaf) to reply or listen or communicate like normal people do. I don’t say hardly enough now and I don’t get enough practice talking to people to not feel awkward or shy or like a stunned mullet. But the more honest I am the more it comes out and up and from places that no one knows about sometimes not even me. 

Art, expression, journalling, writing, blogging and poetry of late is my soul/spirit living the only way I know how that works for me. I’m so glad when I see beautiful colors coming up from that place and onto the page.. Inspiration still high on my list of favorite things to do and seek.. It means for all the darkness and all the trials and tears and pain I’m still alive and kicking. Spirit is strong. 

Recycling is taking a blank page and doing my thing not someone else’s thing. It’s having a go. It’s being brave and sharing that in public. It’s putting stuff out there that might have errors and isn’t perfect but it’s damn real. It’s authentic and its me. Me in people’s faces in a whole different way. Reminding them that even through the worst life offers us we can rise from the ashes in a brand new “kicking it” form!

  

God with me always

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Just a bit of sharing and pics cause I can!

I turned 45 years young yesterday in Australia 12th of February..

Been doing a lot more praying of late.. Circumstances drive me to it.

What wise counsel have you been given lately? How has it helped you in your personal life?

I can only say the counsel has come through people led by HIS Spirit.. Like last night I had a bad dream than couldn’t get back to sleep.. Checked my phone and someone who doesn’t normally converse with me on face book but yet who I am connected too /friends with messaged me.
Seemed same hour as I was awakened was their usual time of deep intense prayer.. They had been fasting and praying and my profile had come to their attention. God spoke to them concerning me.
Although I’ve heard similar many times what they said I don’t know, just the way it came and when it came gives me renewed hope and strength.. That they also knew I’d been struggling..
Wow even as I stirred at night in the darkness.. God was there encouraging me and it just so touches my heart and helps me go on to what is to come..

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Wings Of Prayer And Love

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Writing didn’t come up very well on it.. I didn’t have blue ink only purple lol so it became an angry sea 🙂
My daughter commented that she loved the colours..
Encourages my heart..

Focused here on being carried over or through storms..

Ive gone through many storms and although physically you go through it and it’s hard.. Spiritually we can soar above held by HIS love and peace and especially prayers..

Exodus 33:14
The LORD replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.

Psalm 46:1-3

God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

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ROOT: 30 Day Journal Project Day 11

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I’m feeling so frustrated in myself. One of those seasonal flu things going around so everything aches. Blocked up and hot/cold from a temperature. No energy and I feel lower in spirits. Also have my monthly lol same time and it’s like a double whammy.

It’s day 11’s turn on my journal project. Not so sure it will be created in an art form visually today more a written response alone. I want to get through this. I want to push on. So thankful to good friend Amylisa who commented on my last blog entry. I wanted to truly give up and you helped me not too. Feeling more isolated than ever before.

The inspiriation for this day is “You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”

— Freidrich Nietzsche

Kind of appropriate isn’t it.

Four of my children with their cousin went out tonight to a fund raiser. Oldest daughter Talitha is in our cities first only women’s American football team and they are raising money to sponsor their team for upcoming competition.

I couldn’t go of course so home alone.

This writing surprisingly lifts my spirits and for just a little bit I forget my symptoms.

Prompt I’ve chosen for today is.

What message does the chaos have for me?

Well I have no choice but to rest and recuperate. Take things easy. Let things go and focus only on the most important things. It does give you plenty of time to think. I asked for prayer on face book. Asked for help from my family. More than normal.

Appreciate all the more the ones who are still there who still care.

Let some things slide that people say. One man said.. have faith in GOD.. sigh. Right ok. I don’t suddenly lose it lol but ya its not a good thing to say. I learn what not to say during these times.

Chaos is world-wide. I have never before noticed so much of it and it’s depressing. Definitely chaos makes me look to GOD for understanding. No one can fathom hatred, wars, cruelty, and devastation on a huge scale. My trials are miniscule considering. I pray much more for unknown faces and countries and especially those highlighted and described in stories circulating in the media.

Chaos makes me remember the peace GOD gave me in troubled times. How it was so out of this world. All you can do is rest and trust GOD. I mean sometimes I can pray sickness off, you feel the symptoms and after prayer they go. This time not.

I’m thankful my oldest daughter has taken kids to school two days in a row, Zali youngest daughter completely cleaned the bathroom and added recently purchased linen she’s done such a lovely job. That my mother helped with dishes piling up and brought in washing. Appreciate the little things all the more. The biggest thrill is Conner 16 attending 4 days of high school this week. I’ve had so much trouble getting him there with sleep problems and depression and anxiety. But I can be thankful for him attending almost all the week and I have not had the struggles to get him there that I normally have.

The message chaos has for me is even though my body is weak and feels dreadful my spirit inside can be lifted by being thankful and just patiently wait out the moments till I am feeling better. Trying even when you feel you can’t well sometimes you can!

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An Honest Prayer

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Home alone… My ex husband has two youngest kids.. Oldest daughter stayed out with friends.
Still in my pjs.. Coffee and chocolate..
Saturday morning almost over..

I’m so aware of my aloneness. Aware of what could be spiritually in the places I am where there are other people.
I mean for me. Physical isn’t my best realm. Hearing wise.. Communication wise. People wise. I’m just more a loner and I don’t have that gift for warmth and bonding with people.. Family included.
Even umm in the saying I just falter to express myself out there. I guess that’s why the deaf and mute spirit seem connected..

Online.. Text… Social forums. Easier for me there but even there I’m not in rhythm that I know or feel. I started a face book group but I don’t know… It could be so much more and I’m getting to the stage where I feel I have to beg and that’s not pretty..

It just highlights my inadequacies even more.. Ha ha the good thing about trials is… I turn to God.. Ohh I’m so glad He is here always and I don’t have to struggle to explain myself… I can be foolishly myself and say millions of things to Him that people seem closed too or that I cannot seem to say.. Not their fault because I know writing this people will feel guilty… Just seems my lot in life this communication barrier thing that’s so much more than simply my hearing loss..

Anyway I wrote this prayer which may seem desperate to publish but hey I’m me and this is what I do.. Its a cry from my heart.. You never know what God can use to help another.. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels the way I do and powerless in it.. I do have many friends online and family of course… And you know reading their struggles it does weigh on you… With the troubles in Israel… The recent plane crash where so many died… Family and friends with hardships.. It makes you cry out for understanding…

LORD so many attacks on people..so much hardship… So much darkness… Yet we are called to be the light.. The salt… The people with good news… So many of us are weak and carrying heavy burdens… We need your help… We need your strength.. We need your wisdom… Your caring and gentle presence.. I’m here daily but I seem to have so little impact? Lord I don’t know what to do… I can see the need for togetherness and the power of people connecting and joining forces… But if people don’t see it also its all in vain… I know I lose my focus… Lord I’m the least person to rally them.. Ha ha… I don’t have any authority well people don’t listen or return or find my door… I know I know you use the weak ones right… But I need something that would show people Your with me.. So they turn you know not to me but to each other and especially You so that together we worshipped you as you really are and as one as we really are.. I can’t do anything but you can do everything… Help me lord rally these people.. I mean ohhh yesterday on my sisters fb post all these people in one place commenting… Oh how I felt that moment for what it could be… And yet all of us have different agendas and I wonder does anyone else see it.. Feel what I felt then… They don’t see it yet because we don’t acknowledge each other well maybe one or two do but all of us right then at that moment are Gods family as if our spirits were all in one place yet we are not truly aware of what is the deeper meaning.. I mean if all of us were in one place with my sister… Would we each one only just say something to my sister and not to each other? Its weird Lord because our spirits are what we are supposed to live by.. Yet spiritually we don’t get it yet…
We’ve had the power all along but never realised it.
Lord even on my own I see the need for people… I’m the last person to do anything about it because I’m not even able to explain myself… I post something and always having to explain what I actually said… I have nothing to draw people to me… Not much going on here at Unify (Facebook group)… No one much comes to see me… Its crazy… But Lord how… How… How… To unite… What to do once we unite… Ohhh everyone has their own agendas… How does one person get the respect of people? How do you lead people in one accord? How to find the time… The devotion… Only by Your Spirit… Seems Impossible that even two agree on anything… I just lift these things to You… What can I do but look to You… Amen

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Keeps Me Praying

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Last night I dreamt of my ex husband… I dream about him often… I don’t understand it though…
He has his own life and there are no physical signs he wants me back in his life..
I have come to the place that whatever relationship on earth I have with him… Eternity is forever and I pray that for him most of all.. That one is assured! But I think why.. Why dream about him so often… It’s hard I get lonely and I don’t want to be single forever.. My circumstances have not been easy.. Being almost deaf… Single mum and having prayed for my future for what feels like forever…
I do cry still over it… It’s been a long long long road… I don’t know what is ahead… I mean people have ideas.. They get into a relationship. They make a career… I don’t have any of that.. I have my kids… I love my kids..

But I didn’t sign anything that said I was going to do this on my own…

I have not given my faith up… God is with me that I know… I smile knowing my own weaknesses… Because in my weakness I see His strength and this kind of tenacity to not give up… I know I don’t have a clue why or how or when… I have prayed for many people like myself over the years… But I have not seen physically too many breakthroughs yet I keep praying.. I wonder though what it is that drives me?
I mean people who see miracles you can understand they being busy… People who are in a group working kinda encourage each other. Even couples together can work and help one another…

But mostly I’m a loner… Yet I keep praying… 🙂 that makes me know something is going on behind the scenes..
That despite tears, frustrations, the lack of physical manifestations, long periods of praying for the same things.. I must have some inner hope that holds me strongly to this life I live… People do pray for me I know it..

But the things I’ve wanted most, dreamed of, hoped for and longed for…. have not happened yet.. Its those things I continually lay at Gods feet… Daily seeking Him for strength, guidance, even sometimes giving up completely cause its too hard yet here I am!

Still in this place… Still hoping… Still believing… Still praying.. Still speaking faith… Bless The Lord O my soul and all that is within me bless Your holy name…

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