Light

Isaiah 9:2
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.

I love the light shining from clouds. Sun rays breaking through. They amazingly encourage me no end.
Heaven piercing through to earth. I took this photo while I was walking my dog one day and I love everything about it. It was like a spotlight, so direct this particular ray breaking through. My Iphone seemed to capture the remaining daylight as much more dark then it actually was but it works to highlight the sunbeam of light even more.

I have noticed these much more in my latter life and there was a period of time when I saw rays of light every single day I walked no matter what time I walked outside and I have seen them many more times and most of the time I have to take a photo. God has encouraged me through them because this latter part of my life has been hardest. I need HIM more than I ever have before. I have felt very much like a person walking in darkness as the leading scripture I shared says and it was exactly as if a light had dawned just for me and it gives immense hope.

My circumstances may not have changed too much but I have changed inside. I have hope within where it felt hopeless before and just seeing this strengthens my spirit.

God is that light to me. It felt very much that HE was shining it just for me at that moment. Right place right time. Exact message I needed to help me keep going.

This word is part of a series of words that together with other people I met with in December last year via a face book group and daily we were supposed to art journal about them.  For Advent LOL but I am slowly still plodding through. Hardly any time of late to do art and before that not very much motivation or desire. So I am persisting through even though I do not really know why. I think perhaps they are helping me just keep going and knowing that I didn’t give up is good for me to make myself do it.

I know remembering this photo and tying it in with the word encourages me again today. That is the power of God and scripture too.. One verse.. Sometimes just one word is all it takes to speak to me. Time or apparent circumstances seem not to disempower spiritual matters. Light is God to me whether it is for Advent, past, present or future. Spirit always packs a punch though it can come differently and in any form which is why it’s so wonderful at helping you see the divine in the every day.

Spirit is strong. Spirit is current. Spirit is good. I love that I can tie in photography, art, words, timing, God, Spirit, faith, scripture, art supplies, my art journal, personal sharing in putting this together AND share it on social media too.. ❤️️❤️

Darkness has not Overcome

DAY 27 – DAILY PROMPT:
Tell us exactly where you would be if you were never allowed to write again from this day forward. Explain what it would do to your life, what it would do to your mental state of mind, and what, if any, new practices would replace it, to help you feel balanced.
Think deeply about how this has changed since you began this course, explain to us what you feel.

A new way has been opened up to me even as I procrastinate my way through this writing course. Yes I started something new before I finished this. So me right now.
Even though I love writing very much. I am also a very visual person too. So writing has had it’s place and so does doing something with my hands art wise or sharing my feelings in a different manner. If I stopped writing I could easily shift into creative expression via paint with a mantra written on a canvas or art journalling or with photography. In fact I have stopped writing almost..
Still words of course but its not relying totally on the written word but using one word or a few words to say it composed with colors, textures, little images and basically my heart on a canvas instead.
As I move through my life at this point. Pretty well everything is fitting. It might be a quote with a prompt, or a word even, or how a question is asked and the timing. The fact that so much of this I cannot tell anyone just about drives me bonkers as I have few I talk about feelings etc with or how I am feeling. I couldn’t stop now if I tried it’s just I have to channel it somewhere right. Except I cannot stand still and question it because to me it doesn’t really make sense but the joy drives me on. I have to keep going and trust the process and the unfolding.

 

Last night I had a dream, a night mare that woke me up around 3am. So I am going to let this go here as part of this prompt which shows the changes in me I think. As I said everything fits. Even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else it does to me. All I can do is share it the best way I can.
Perhaps the dream was influenced by the graphic images on TV and in the news right now. Brussels has been hit with terrorist attacks and many people have died and many more injured. It is scary times in our world. I pray for all those affected but trying to grasp it with human understanding is unsettling and you cannot fathom why these things continue to happen. You cannot easily just sit with it.
In my dream I was deep in the forest with my youngest daughter. It was getting late and light was fading fast. I was aware that I was moving away from where I needed to be to safely find my way out. I knew I had to back track from where I currently was. Than I knew from that place I could find my way home. Except that it was getting darker. My phone was low on power so I couldn’t ring or use my phone for much light when it really got dark. It was an eerie feeling indeed knowing I was in a bad way. I knew that although I could at this point find my way home, the coming darkness would make me lose all sense of where I was and than I really would be completely lost. Time was running out it seemed. I am so glad in my dream my daughter was there.. I was not alone like I am often or seem to be in my physical life. That was the one hopeful thing in my dream. Even as I lay in the darkness semi awake I was trying to find a way out.. Trying to create an ending for that dream before it went away.
My heart was beating a bit fast.. The dark of the night in my bedroom seemed to be closing in. I do what I always know to do. I prayed. I prayed for help for what my dream meant. What my life meant. What my creative spirit means. You kind of bring all that is going on in your life into that prayer at that moment. I knew I was safe. It was just a dream except that I was feeling disturbed in my spirit.. I used that to keep praying. Prayed for the world. Prayed for Brussels. Saw messages coming in on my phone. Light flashes when messages are coming in and other times that has woken me up. My friend was struggling very same time too. So I prayed for him. I didn’t reply though at the time. I draw great comfort from knowing GOD with me and the wonderful thing about praying for others is I can feel comfort for them too even if all I am doing for them is to pray.
I thought to myself if the dream was real I would have prayed for us at that point. I would have found comfort even being lost in the forest.
As I kept praying till I found peace in my soul I thanked God for just the comfort and help HE gives me always and whenever I have troubles.
Than I prayed some more about the world who doesn’t know to pray or to find comfort when they are lost, confused, troubled in spirit and the way is not clear. Things became clear to me as I lay there in darkness praying.. Right than and there nobody could help me. No one around at 3am with me physically. I could wake up sleeping children lol but they couldn’t have helped me find peace. I thought of people who are hit by terrorists especially the ones injured and dazed. Who have survived and are injured. It would be terrifying. For many they are alone right at that moment.
Made me think of them and hoping they knew to pray. Because there are moments in all our lives when we are in need.. Maybe not by acts of terrorism. But we are in need, lonely, scared, injured of body or soul or both, when we need assurance. When there is nobody around who knows or understands and sometimes even we can be surrounded by people and feel alone. We need help when there are no answers or its getting darker and more difficult and we cannot explain it easily. We need comfort. No one though can be with us 24/7. Even the best of the most supportive people cannot do that.
I thought of how so much falls so short. Yet God knows exactly where we are. HE is everywhere. People may not know that or may not even believe in HIM. People might even curse HIM at those times. I found HIM in my moment. I received comfort. But than I know HE is there I believe HE is there. Right than though there was no visual sign. I have loud noises in my ears they were still there.. I don’t have anything else that comforts me or another person sharing my bed. It is still dark. I am still in my room. Alone. Still a single mother. Still have mess under my bed and clutter surrounding me. Still have doubts about my own life and where my place is in the world. I mean I didn’t see flashes of insight or angels. I have had to go through times when I had to be stubborn about my faith. When it seemed there was no one who cared, no help coming, everything unfamiliar, nobody noticing, speaking what seems insanity, seemed to be anti-me etc..
Things became clearer as I prayed, just talked to God about everything in my own way. I have so little to offer anyone in this world. Especially those who are REALLY feeling lost and alone and abandoned and it REALLY is getting darker for them.. But I do know to pray and I do know the comfort I feel and have felt and the assurance in my heart of one who is greater and close despite the lost-ness one can feel, the ever encroaching darkness and thudding heart.
I felt even joy last night. A deepening excitement about my faith, about my creative expressions and what was stirring in my heart from this time with GOD. About what I have and feel inside me. Faith. Hope. Joy. Peace. But also direction and inspiration did come. I mean I don’t have much validation and support for my creative life even my spiritual life. But I do know HIM like I do. Although many times I have written here at my blog or shared my faith publicly with family, friends and connections and many have not seemed to notice or appear to care. Still I keep going. I have even more reason too now. Even though my faith is not main stream or like many I know personally. In the darkness I can feel the light.. totally at peace and happy and feeling freer than ever before.
Assurance was the word that last night stood out to me. My writing or expressive outlet is branching off into using a canvas, paint and only a few words to share my heart, voice and self to the world. I know that will be the word for my next canvas!! It will be based on last night. Truly it was much more wonderful than I can put into words. Honestly this writing and my telling it falls short. But I know within me there is something greater happening despite my frustrations to say things and be heard and seen.
I think my picture to go with this writing will be just be a screen shot of my Iphone where I hurriedly wrote down my thoughts from last night.. of course the picture doesn’t show everything I wrote but most of it. Just to re-enforce what I scribbled down so I could remember it today and share it. You see for me. I cannot not share it. I see all things work together for good and I am believing if I am greatly moved perhaps someone else might be helped too.. ((Pic included with a screen shot from TV because I am always encouraged whenever I see these sunlight streams from heaven and I had to take a pic ))… isn’t it weird the patterns that my camera picked up lol from the transmission and the words “Let Light Shine Out of the Darkness” was a free clip art the Over ap gives its users every day.. Altogether Perfect huh!!
For me its about internal. Spirit. Kingdom is within. Eternity. Because HE is our world’s creator connection with all. Trusting GOD in the darkness and in the light. I get high on the most high.. 🙂 I remember praying to HIM and saying. LORD you are the same GOD who created Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, Oprah Winfrey, Frida Kahlo.. Etc pulling famous peoples names from my brain.. Yet you’re with me here and now. I mean the very most famous souls on earth that ever lived past, present and future. You created them and yet YOU are here with me.. I might not be noticed or have millions hang on my every word or creative endeavor. But I know YOU are with me and the same YOU created them. I can trust YOU and just keep going and doing what I know to do because YOU are with me too!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

 

Bad to Good. Darkness to Light.

What are some of your most recent encounters with your shadow, your dark side, the monsters in your closet or your “demons”? How do you deal with the negative, darker aspects of your personality?

This is my darkness and shadow-land. It is bad.

A familiar demon named Failure keeps close saying that I am worthless.
She always reminds me of the past and how others have treated me.
As if every bad thing that has ever happened is a reinforcement of what she says.
She smirks that this is the reason why I am alone so much and appear ineffective.
Her one desire is to keep me totally overwhelmed by my inadequacies.
Whispering that nobody wants to hear what I have to say.
My art in any form is childish and petty and moves no-one.
That people can’t and won’t see my strength and fighting spirit.
The lack of interest in my person seems to agree with her.
Little support keeps her cackling away and me feeling weakened every day that passes.
I foolishly listen and let it sink into the core of me.
The result.
I stop speaking. I stop writing. I stop creating. I just stop.
She is never happy unless she siphons it all. Every last drop of me from this world.

“Your contributions won’t make any difference..” she screeches.
“See how you are becoming less and less my dear.”
She is a constant noise in my head and her goal is to shame me into shutting the door to my heart up tight.
I only wish people didn’t pay her heed.
She is busy not only with me and I fear people believe her lies.
So that the louder she cries the more drained I feel.
But yet here I sit. In my bed. Typing about her. I laugh because she has inadvertently given me something to say.
Even if this is all it is. A simple telling of my battles with her. In the telling I always feel empowered. Maybe others will recognize her in their lives too?

Than there is Comparison. If Failure isn’t bad enough than Comparison can sidle alongside and drain any last dregs of hope.
“You can’t possibly be noticed creatively till you do what this person does.
Look at her or him. See the responses they are getting!! Now compare yourself. Go on.
Hey Failure get a load of this. She’s got nothing. Hardly anyone noticed today.. Ha ha ha ha.
She’s got a friend in you. They don’t notice because there’s no comparison..”
And they totally crack up.
They are well acquainted with my weaknesses. Together they are anyone’s worst nightmare.
All I can see is the lack of interest and their laughter gets louder and I cry and the tears just don’t want to stop.

I search high and low and far and wide and I think I need more of this or I need to do that and spend another dollar here and buy this there. Do another course. Read another book.

Simply distractions that’s all it is. To stop me from doing what I am created to do.

What I want to do. What I burn inside to to. What I love to do. What keeps me alive.

When I do not communicate in some way or express myself in some form it truly drains the very life force from me and I have literally little desire to live.
Anyone that speaks or produces something does so to get feedback; always more than just for themselves and to be acknowledged. I am no different. This is just my way to speak and I do so to be heard. Maybe the failure isn’t all to do with me?
In this they are right though. I am a failure if I do not try. One cannot be enough and will not make a difference if they do not try at all.

The next day it is the same and the day after that and so forth. I can see why people are not moved towards me if I am losing the ability to confidently speak and be present.

When one says little how can many know of the extent of it? Why would they notice?
I just slowly fade from sight and mind altogether.
What comes from the heart goes to the heart – Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
So I say what doesn’t come from the heart can’t go to the heart either.

Failure says I have nothing worth saying. So I hold back.
Says that I am a freak.
Leaves me empty and dissatisfied because I listen.
Her taunting voice says “No one is seeking you out.”
I can see there is truth in this and there is no one to refute her.

I think.. why am I so sad? Despite this lack of response.
It is a joy when I put myself out in the world the way that I do.
It excites me. I am moved in spirit. I am fully alive.
A heart must do what a heart must do.
What is a result? Just a by-product that is all.
The essence is always what is most important.
Even though this is the way it is. I can still use this. Fight back.
I have reason. I have an outlet. It keeps me going.
So I must write. I must express myself. This is a driving need. More than just a passing whim or desire. This is the way I function. This is my life. My soul. My way of being.
I have time. Lots of time. Little distraction.

Bonus. No demon in hell can stop my light shining. Darkness cannot put out a light.
Only when a light goes out completely it is dark. I cannot help smiling that the darker it is the more powerfully even the smallest light shines out.

Than Failure reminds me of all the relationships fallen by the way side.
All the people who keep their distance.
“If they have given up on you why are you bothering at all?”
“Who is going to see your light if people’s backs are turned away from you?”
“What point is a single light in darkness if it doesn’t attract attention and people obviously don’t get you?”
Rejection is another demon which screams very loud.
He dictates to me that a lack of people and better still people turning away means they are anti-me. He points out that I turn people away from me with what I say.
I am at a loss for a defense. Anything left inside and any inspiration I could conjure just drains away in defeat.
So he stays and loneliness and isolation crowds me in and I feel rejection day and night, night and day. I feel totally alienated. Alone. Unproductive and miserable.

Its not that I can’t be happy alone. I can. It’s just that I feel there is nothing worthwhile to fill up the hours and I waste it away. Enjoyment eluding me.
Quickly I get lost in thoughts of what others must think and what they say behind closed doors.
As if I can read their thoughts. I cannot though.
It is always hearsay.
Comparison always reminds me of what others have done and are doing and what they have said.
That I do not measure up. That I never will.
Keeping me sad because it appears that I should not even enjoy my own company.

Stagnant and appearing blocked. I waste time regretfully.
This stealing of precious time like sand falling through an hour glass.
I am painfully aware of every grain that falls.
Time ticks away.. Tick tick tick..
I mourn the time that has passed and yet still more passes.
Endless repetitive wasteful cycle.

Why do I keep trying I ask myself.
Failure answers “It’s not worth it you will fail.”
Comparison answers “Don’t even try.”
Rejection says “No one will notice.”
No no I shake my head.
Not true. I will fight.
None of you are ever happy. Ever.
No matter what I do or don’t do.
I know for a fact that doing something no matter how small is good.
Shut up!!!
I am enough. Lack doesn’t mean I have nothing.
I have myself.
Just because I am a loner doesn’t mean everything is wrong. It just means it’s the way I am.
I am writing this. I’m telling the world I’ve had enough of your lies.
I am being brave. Every word is saying something.
The truth is being told and it sets me free and I find my peace.
Every word that I type is a cry of my heart but it brings joy to release it.
That it IS released out of me, that I am honest.
Than I am free.
I defy darkness every time I leave a part of myself some place!
I am going to keep persisting.
This is how I do it.

I rely not only on myself.
See.. like you are here and I am here.. so is another.
The greatest essence the world will ever know.
I am never alone.
HE is with me.
I rely on HIS power which is greater than I and greater than any demon.
One who stays with me without judgment despite the worst of my faults.
Who has set the highest standard that could ever be set and obliterated any need to reach it again.
One that has told me how demons are beaten.
Who always listens.
HE has shown me that HE has opened the way to fullest life.
HE trades HIS strength for my weakness.
In fact the weaker I am the more HIS strength shows up!
No matter that demons and darkness rage against me the way that they do. Or that anyone applauds my efforts.
Because of HIM I overcome. HE is my enough.
HE is my way through…
Freely I live and bring forth from my inner most being even the little that I produce.
He promises that ALL of it. All of what I speak of above will work together for good.
I choose to do this than. Tell it.
This is my spirit and light shining. And it is good.

Heart Recycle 101 writing exercise

 

 My take on this.. 
Dark side of late has been emitting to me great tales of woe.
Which is so easy to take on board.

I think if I consider these they seem to multiply and the darker it gets.

Woe to me because I’m always so alone..

Woe to me because nobody wants to be with me.

Woe to me nobody notices what I do or cares that I do it.

Woe to me there is always someone worse off so I don’t have a right to be woeful at all.

Woe to me I could do more, be more and try more.

Woe to me they do not like the way I say things or the things I say.

Woe to me what is it I do again? 

Woe to me I rub people up the wrong way and they even tell me and I keep on doing it! 

I mean seriously what is wrong with me?

The biggest darkest demon of all is called Comparison.

He’s huge because he is very good at pointing out all that I don’t do and all that everyone else does. I shrink in his presence. He also raises his head in people when they judge me. I feel so small besides them. So inadequate. Why even try?

He loves to shine the spotlight on the totally active people in my world who just shine and everybody is singing their praises.. Everybody loves them.. And than there is me hidden and ashamed. The very fact of it appears I’m inactive but that’s not true. I just can’t compare. I don’t want to be compared because it always means I’m less.

Finds great humour in making me so very aware of these adored people and their every accomplishment and every supportive person in their circle and how they are so rewarded for their efforts. That they are highly spoken of and of course people want to be around them.  Even more it appears I don’t meet certain standards and who would even consider me in light of what they do daily.  
And than there is me at the bottom of the pile with my one friend who I annoy too much and I don’t deserve anything good because I don’t do near enough to earn it.
I can’t help but clearly see how lacklustre my puny little life is.

With few on my cheer team it makes his points appear oh so right and oh so justified.

————-

To the demons who remind me daily how it is,

Although you know me well and I haven’t lived up my end of life as well as I could have, should have and definitely fall short. Yes I agree with you on so many things. 

But…

I have hope.. His name is Jesus. Defeater of demons. 

Defender of the fallen. He is light and when light comes darkness always goes no matter how dark it is and how much of it there is. It goes. Darkness cannot overcome light. Ever. 

My darkness and failures evaporate and I’m drawn upwards. 

I win! I’m not longer hidden! We all share the light!

He said what you have meant for my harm He will use for my good and it will help others. He also said when I’m weak He is strong. I’m going to uphold His promises as my standard always and especially whenever you come against me. I believe He tells the truth and thankfully He also said it trumps even my shortfalls. He said that He has already done enough for mankind which balances it all out and secures the end and I trust Him. 

The truth of the matter is I’m freed from any restraint and always encouraged and I am given wings. I can rise above and not shrink beneath.

Yes ok ok I give you lots of fodder and ammo to use against me but even your best shot is quenched by faith in Him.. Yeah even the smallest of faith is more than enough to destroy your firriest arrow. You see in Him all of us are one. So the things all the others do that appeared humanly seen its all different when the unseen comes into play and the whole true picture emerges. We all have our place and purpose. In Him we find life and have movement and become fully who we as individuals but together. We’ve all been given gifts (even me) and He promises that he would bring all life to the fullest completion. Meaning no matter what happens it all works out for the best so guess what no matter what you say or show me of others. I get to enjoy the journey too and I am part of this and no matter how it appears I’m included and all of us are loved and as important as any other.

Same beginning and same end and eternity means but wait there is more!

Case against me is closed. He already won.

Through Him who upholds the very thread of life itself. I win you lose! All of this works together for good.. So yeah your best and my worst and my best and your worst only serves His purpose now. 

I’ve already read the end of the book. 🙂

Shining

This art journal page came together really quickly. It explains about my life right now. My Spirit and journey.

Just been a really difficult and testing couple of days. I’ve often spoken here about being isolated with hearing loss and life in general.. People around me see that differently and I guess try to help. Unfortunately the latest help has only seemed to isolate me further. Now I am a bit of a loner, introvert etc.. so I know I could do some things differently. But part of it has always been my journey. Spiritually speaking it has caused me to seek GOD more and really brought about my full focus and attention on HIM .. I don’t see that as a bad thing. In fact it’s shown me things that I could never have seen without this journey. I know GOD in ways I could not have known otherwise. But it does mean that I am mis-understood and appear very out there..

I’ve always since childhood had at least one very close friend. Of recent time I’ve had the pleasure of two very close friends. But in the last few days both those friendships surely have been testing grounds for me. I don’t want to say it was all wrong on any side. I know two sides to every story but from my side it was almost unbearable.

But one of things in this journey I’ve gone through is that sometimes I can’t explain things very well. I do see that being alone a lot does make me anti-social. Where friends are constantly getting feedback and learning to move and speak around others. I have not had that experience and therefore its true I am awkward and out of the loop and struggle.

Heavenly things especially are very hard to explain. There is such a wide variety of opinions even in Christian circles.  It can be easy to retreat when your not like everyone else but although physically I often retreat spiritually I am growing in leaps and bounds every day and that makes me want to share the wonder of it all.

I have spent almost all my life in a church. 40 years or so every week faithfully and I was hard pressed to be excited and share my faith openly for half of it at least. But now I love it more and more and more. Everything has to be about HIM.. lol..

God says there is a peace HE gives that is otherworldly and is in fact in HIS words (bible) un-explainable. I remember going through the loss of a child and feeling incredible peace and people couldn’t believe it.. they tried to explain it away as shock or that I was stunted in my emotions or something.. Someone even tried to say to me when I was happy not sad..” but Jesus wept??”.

Believe me I weep.. plenty of times I weep. But I felt such peace at that time from GOD I couldn’t cry. And I felt joy and others cried my tears. It changed my life. I wonder sometimes that we believer’s get so surprised at the way people are when we are praying for them to get through. Surely if they do things that don’t seem normal we can think GOD is at work even if I don’t understand what I’m seeing and hearing. We should be expecting supernatural answers!! How great is the GOD we pray too after all!

I tried and tried to tell people what I was feeling but few believed the depth of it. How could they understand something like this; if I who had experienced it was struggling to explain it. It’s just happiness and peace yet seemed so un-natural when I was experiencing loss and trauma. Heavenly things can be a burden too in that we live in this world and yet we are not of this world and we are conditioned to see the natural. I bet we do still miss so much and we try to dismiss things and explain away things we cannot understand instead of see them in a new light.. we do need our spiritual eyes hearts to be opened to see and believe.

My journey in this isolation is like that. Its very very real to me and although it might seem my fault in ways too it certainly has its greater purposes and GOD wastes no mans life whatever seems evil HE can work for good.. GOD is in this with me I don’t have to be afraid. When it seems all you have is GOD that’s not the worst thing in the world is it!!

When suddenly the two closest people to me are at odds with me and even getting together to talk about it. Oh my… oh my..

It is possible of course GOD has shown them things or ways to help me but the way it was coming across only made it all so much worse for me..  But I love that it has got me writing so much and personally so and doing art too. When I shut down and have nothing to say than you should be worried..

So although lately it has seemed so pointed and hard to bear. Like suddenly there is no one close to me who is helping me through. Which could mean a massive danger light couldn’t it. That instead of my world opening up more it has closed down almost completely. There are different ways to seeing this.

I just so want to be supported and loved and to be believed and cherished.. But in every hard time I have found JESUS does not ever leave and I can lean fully on HIM.. And HE uses everything… even this..

A big possibility is that the friend\s I’m sharing about who I still call a friend, reads this. I hope like my ex husband used to sometimes say when it was hard for us and I couldn’t cope with him nor him with me. That God will use this for his greater purpose in your life and it wont turn my friend off me completely. 🙂

This image below tells my story. If you click on it it opens larger and can see more detail.

Darkness intermingled with gold in the background indicating that although there is darkness I trust GOD for HIM to work it out for good and I do prefer to see the good happening despite the bad. The Light streaming down is the beautiful ways I see Him in nature through the clouds and sun rays and HIS beautiful creation around me including seeing HIM in timely encouragement and unexpected kindness through people.

Every good and perfect gift is from above… coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

It might not show up but the picture is of a high place, mountain top, rock… A solitary person is sitting there admiring the beauty of a sunrise or sunset.. For me it hasn’t been people or being in a church building or sitting and hearing wise teachers who counsel me and teach me as my main source it has been the HOLY SPIRIT. And not once a week or here and there but with me wherever I am.

I’m simple in my expression but I hope it shows my heart always and a depth that I cannot explain. And I want to give HIM glory and anything good that results from my journey I know to give HIM glory because I well know my foibles.

I am encouraged that even though my faults are easily seen and very obvious that I still have this overwhelming urge to keep sharing things openly and I have been called transparent in times past. I need to keep my head up and heart strong.

There is a uniqueness in my journey as is every single person’s individual story.

I was told by a friend that I was on a whole different wave length and very hard to communicate with. Knocked the wind out of me for a bit. I mean I have struggled in the past to see results. Many long standing prayers seem unanswered and say otherwise to my path and faith. This has all been very difficult, very personal and almost shut me down. I mean if deafness isn’t hard enough. Than this could easily indicate I’m failing big time.

The fact that my online presence is apparently driving people away almost means I have no way to express myself. Almost except… that I have not given up. I’m still here.. I have not stopped despite fewer and fewer in my physical cheer squad.
The strange irony is online I have met many many friends. Beautiful, encouraging, loving and faithful people from all walks of life..

The sheer number of them over the years from all over the world is overwhelming.. on my birthday just recently my face book was flooded by messages and love from the most amazing souls on this planet..

 

Jesus has not left either. EVER.

So understand me that even though I am and feel isolated a lot.. spiritually I am strong.. I am loved and I am impacting the world and its said I inspire others.. I know I do have a presence in this world!!

Yet over the last few days I mean if those closest to me are right. Nothing much I’m doing now is making any difference and in fact I’m pushing people away which would be downright the very opposite of what I hope and desire and pray for..

Which way should I see it??

I love that they are my friends.. I love that they care…. that they have been such a big help to me.. Helped me get where I am.. But within me I don’t know there is this life force inside that says look forward. Don’t stop. Keep going.

I have also thought to myself as I struggled with it of late. That this struggle and this communication problem and this isolation also makes me stand out more and more and almost like a steel enters my soul this downright stubborn strength that won’t give up.

If I’m so very very different than possibly that does work in my favour. Plus every so often GOD sends me a person ( I met someone new yesterday )which so uplifts my heart that there is no way GOD is not involved. That they can be there and say the things they do at such a time is extraordinary. Oh my does my heart sing and beat faster at these times!!

I’m told not to be afraid. That when I am weak HE is strong. Keep going. Keep believing and so forth.

So here I am.

I will end this with a scripture that encourages me when I can’t be sure why things all seem so anti me. Something greater than me keeps me going.. This is my testimony.. through child loss, divorce, deafness and isolation.. and even being less and less and less appealing to people around me at times.

Please swap the words in the scripture below to ‘these men’ for my name.. block quoted.

The higher authorites in Old Testament times were trying to stop these men speaking out the name of JESUS.. They’d killed Jesus and did not want to be reminded about Him and his folllowers.. it was pure hate.

Angels would come along and rescue them from prison. They got beat up but they kept speaking. Almost killed and many were. They seemed the enemies and something to loathe and destroy yet they could not be stopped because their calling was from on high. So where one is shut down another appeared and what was often mis-understood is in fact the very beginning of the church which is the corporate body of believers world wide we all belong too.

Irony is despite persecution over the years the believers of GOD have only ever kept growing in numbers..

“But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against GOD!” Acts 5:39

Heavens open above me

Last night I saw my glory streams again. Today I start a month of “Moon Journalling”. I have always loved the moon. Something magical about it. I feel a connection to others doing this already and I haven’t even started.. The Moon has always been there. It’s beautiful. I feel inspired even though my head has been pounding and my stomach painful. This is something greater apart from the normal life. It just seems to take my mind from being grounded in my thinking and put it up higher amongst the stars. There is a cycle to life and a pattern and forces at work that affect us all wether we know it or not. I of course will journal from a spiritual point of view. But there are greater ebbs and flows to life all around us and above that enthuse, inspire and empower me and that’s where I want to flow.

I talk to GOD and I feel HIS joy again. It’s HIS presence. Despite the lack of people around. The bodily dysfunctions and way life is. HE is the source of all life. It’s like flipping everything that comes against you that says you’re failing and realising at this moment that you are ok. It’s all ok. Walking in the light of that and letting HIM guide you through.

Take for example the noises in my ears and head constantly within. Loud, monotonous, repetitive and everywhere I am they are. Can’t escape them. Lately they have seemed worse than ever.

My body aching today, my head and my belly. Just this thing with people for so long. I wish I could explain it. But I don’t move in sync with anyone really anymore. Here and there I do and with my kids. These are all forces coming against me constantly. Reminding me of how weird I am and how different and how I don’t do this or that. But yet all around me and within me is HIS SPIRIT whispering to me “trust ME” and not once does HE condemn ever.. I am comforted. HE is all I need yet still HE opens the heavens above and gives me a sign. I see HIM in that so easily and everything else in my world is put right again. I can go along this path and trust that all is for a reason and that there are other ways to flourish than what the majority do.

HIS joy fills my heart and spills out. Despite everything else coming against me I am not hemmed in but through HIM I am given more freedom to soar on wings above. I can look at things differently. As I was driving earlier I realised that it doesn’t matter. Everyone is different despite the mass of humanity all trying to be the same. Embracing our differences actually makes someone stand out more in this world. I would rather walk in HIS light trusting HIM and knowing HE is with me as I am; even though I am often misunderstood and different to others. Instead of fighting it… let it take me where it will!!!

Dazzled

ROOT: 30 Day Journal Project

Day 23

Today’s Inspiration:

“You must habit yourself to the dazzle of the light and every moment of your life.”

— Walt Whitman said that

//

I am still going on this 30 days lol and its very spaced out.. Important to finish.. I am a procrastinator so finishing something is exceptionally good for me.

These have always been good prompts and no matter when I do them they have been timely.

I’m just going to jot down what I penned on this pic and maybe through-out elaborate a bit more. Only so much you can write on a single art journaling page.

Train your eye to see it. Light is from GOD. GOD is everywhere. Photo taken in Torquay Australia. 4 of my 5 children came with me just recently for a few days holiday. Torquay is on the coast of my state! My parents paid for a surfside cabin for us for two nights. It was during school break! Even though for us it’s Spring, the weather was cool and not a lot of people around. Usually the place is packed especially at holiday time. I am grateful for moments on the beach with my kids when there was no one else around.. Thankful also that it didn’t rain. It was so sweet of my parents to do this.. I couldn’t have afforded it!

Rays of sunlight coming out of the clouds. When I see these rays I see GOD.

In the photo they are not that easy to see, you do have to do as the quote above says. Train your eyes to see..

They were streaming down though and although not as bright as many I’ve seen. They were still visible and I was glad I captured them on a picture!!!

Of all places to see these rays, that I saw them while on holiday has special significance to me. Dazzling!

Icing on the cake!!

As the word says in the picture.. What makes life simple?

Rays in the sky make me look up in the natural world. They are where I am. I don’t need to do anything special to see them. Or pay money lol as so many special phenomena displayed in the world you’re so often charged to see it.

Makes me thankful. Appreciative of life and that in the ordinary moments just being out in nature, we are reminded that we are taken care of by an extraordinary GOD.

Appreciative of life, light, being in the right place at the right time.

At this moment and whenever I view such an image. I am dazzled by HIS presence seen through creation and all my worldly cares/distractions fade away from sitting heavy on my mind and heart.. You do become lighter in spirit. I can enjoy everything better..

Once you see GOD in these ways.

Suddenly you begin to see similar everywhere..

What I’ve Learnt Today

Working through an ebook “the 40 Day Soul Fast – Your Journey To Authentic Living” Cindy Trimm

Day 1

Answers below are coloured by my own beliefs and influenced by reading this book at this present moment in time and according to my current personal circumstances.

Its amazing how this study today has pin pointed things I had not noticed!!

* Describe what you believe are some
outstanding characteristics about yourself?

I’m unique there is not another person in the world like myself.. I’m peaceful, gentle and positive. Child like.. Love inspiring others.. I love to share what I’m learning.. I love deep and meaningfuls.
That I know the truth that sets me free.. Jesus is the truth and His finished work changes everything. That I’m able to see heaven on earth now because of it. See differently.. Therefore I can share the good news..

* How have you capitalized on those and
harnessed the inherent power of you?

I haven’t capitalised on these fully with consuming passion as I could because I haven’t seen that I have the power in me. Only reading this question today has the light gone on.. Wow I’ve been aware God with me.. I guess I have looked at the results and been discouraged more than resting in the power and trusting God with it and allowing that to thrive in me and flow into what I do.. So its been in dribs and drabs. I see that not knowing his power is in me has meant I haven’t really been expecting results which has reduced my desire to be busy and productive and its weird.. Cause I’m still looking for results every time I do something but as the poor results influence further inactivity I can see it cannot flow on.. Therefore I’m limiting myself and what God could do through me.
I can see the results speak for themselves… I see I have gotten what I truly believed and that it cannot possibly pass along to others or capture their attention and spark them into action if its not coming from a thriving heart that believes… Result is – I’ve been powerless and people don’t get touched by the source.. Life produces life… Power connects and ignites.. Misguided or lacklustre passion doesn’t get noticed therefore touches no one.

* What more can you do to maximize your
unique set of gifts and minimise your own
peculiar shortcomings?

Focus on all that I am through Christ.. Untapped and limitless and realising I do have the power so I can enjoy the flow expecting things to happen more and more.. To minimise short comings is to not acknowledge only myself who is powerless without Him.
To live fully right now is not limiting myself because I am joined to Him.. To focus on Jesus more and more and the glory of Him whom I’m joined together with and all that is now possible!!!!
Focus on all that I am through Christ.. My life (now) is redefined. Simply be the branch in all its glory..

– my thoughts –

“I’m still hung up on “I’ve got the power” from earlier. I can see the way I’ve lived and I’m not living in a way that fully benefits myself and the world around me.

My light is hidden.

Yes like a vine that is lack lustre produces sparse fruit and nobody much except the really hungry are drawn to it.. Obviously my fruit will be limited right now if I’m not realising I’m in the vine and God feeds the nations through the branches, my branches.. Obviously there is a flesh me who is limited and weak, powerless, wildly inapt and only small…

But there is God almighty in all His glory who has given the world His Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life…
Becoming a “new me” a me that is a new creation because of being in Christ Jesus who never leaves and I am able to do all things through Him..

Cup running over.. Full of peace, self control, love, joy, wisdom etc.. My true reality which shines and is fully able to do all things and greater things than Jesus did because He said that Himself. I need to live from that.. As that… right now.. It is my life’s purpose to let the glory shine through me and change the atmosphere.. This is bearing much fruit.. Thriving. Being a light no longer hidden.

She Has Transpired

My heart expression (art pic below) not even finished and it begs me that there is a voice to be heard and something to be said. I have always had this annoying habit of sharing.. if it moves me I cannot not share it.. sometimes even half way through.. I have to hit send or interrupt the moment cause its too good to skip over.. I just know its so good.. why? It’s like my life is about recognising and passing that along.. Can’t help myself.. bad habits.. weakness..

I cried as I carefully cut out the cellophane me.. even the lines that signify me.. some of them disappeared because of the cutting.. Felt a very very vulnerable experience in expressing “invisible me” that it meant so much more than what was actually occurring. This truly is as clear a message as I can give about how I have felt about myself.. How I have felt around other people.. though amazingly and so ironically is that I’ve often been called “transparent” which has amazing opposite meanings like this..

“so sheer as to let light pass through”

“easily seen through”

“open, frank, candid, recognised or detected; manifest, obvious….”

So even as I write that word… and think about “invisible me” I realise that being transparent also means I’m different and in such a way that light passes through.. How amazing that God is light and I actually enjoy sharing about HIM! Showing HIS light is part of my purpose in more ways than one!

If people have said this and this is indeed how I am.. maybe the two are connected and this is how the spiritual unseen side is indeed manifesting. How God is seen!

God has surely said this about Himself.. My power is perfected in weakness 2 Corinthians 12:9

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves;
– New American Standard Version (1995) 2 Corinthians 4:7

Its “me” for sure.. and this art piece even as “is” exposes a raw nerve in me because I am revealing myself as honestly and openly as I can; how it really is (simply) and yet I question myself.. Why put this out there? Why? Why do I feel the need to share it.. why cannot it be enough to just create it and keep it to myself, hide it away in a drawer or box or inside my house somewhere and feel I am happy with what I created so far and move on.. why must I also do more with it?

Why, why, why do I want to put myself out there.. again and again and again..

Matthew 5:14-16
New International Version (NIV)
14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

See even though I feel invisible and vulnerable.. putting an invisible person out there AGAIN and an unfinished piece at that is damn stupid isn’t it.. but still my heart says.. do it.. do it.. do it.. say it.. say it.. say it. I just have to for some reason and the above verses say that is exactly what light is for! To shine and not hide and as Im transparent I seem to be fitted to do this.

Notice the little bright painted star in my chest where my heart is supposed to be.. a friend once said they cannot see my heart because I used to just post inspiring things, encouraging things on christian forums and through the internet instead of investing myself or my person. He felt something was missing.. He was right it was me.. I have felt I have nothing of my own to contribute so this created a vacuum inside therefore I had nothing of myself to give.

But at the time I thought I was putting my heart out there and as I have said before I have gotten less and less response to this so I have felt totally and utterly invisible even though I was out there every day..
I copied quotes and I communicated through what others said and used others pictures, beliefs, expressions to express myself and of course he felt and rightly so that everything I was doing was not from my heart at all.. Which it wasn’t in a way. No wonder I have not felt I had a voice..

But nevertheless it has been the way of my heart and yes I guess I too can understand why others stopped seeing me.. Maybe the star also signifies that although I have felt invisible I want to become the “star” of my life again..

Ha ha GOD has a sense of humour.. This came to me.

“shine like stars in the dark world” Philippians 2:15

Even when the words completely dry in me, I can create visually and recognise what I’m feeling and talk about that.. 🙂

I have been plugged in today to the song “Without You” by Mariah Carey because it came to my mind.. and yes here I am in my room again.. because when I listen to these types of songs I have to sing along and my kids give me that look.. here she goes again.. and they roll their eyes.. and I am almost forced to my room to bellow.. lol and as I get caught up in the lyrics and its just belted out its better for all.. I sing and contemplate while looking at others art and their heart messages call to me giving me added permission to do this.. So I listen over and over and over and I ponder what my heart feels then just start to flow through all this.. Its incredible what comes out as I process it.. things I didn’t even know were there.. but I just start seeing.. and feeling and sensing and when it starts to flow all the pieces come together..

As I was cutting out my figure for the art piece and being careful because cellophane rips so easily yes I was teary because souls are fragile but worth the effort to defiantly reveal because there is so much more to them than meets the eye.. all the while the lyrics were saying something about this.. I cannot live without you Mariah crooned… and yes without a heart and soul feeling and expressing from our innermost being we too become just a type of empty shell.. Not really alive without being fully ourselves (Cannot live if living is without You..)

I have been thinking about the many artists that inspire me lately.. and so many many struggle with being fully themselves and this often includes their relationship with GOD and a little sadness creeps in my heart.. because I too cannot bare to live a half life and I certainly couldn’t live without a greater meaning to my invisibility…
The whole existence of an unseen God gives my very heart and spirit wings, words and purpose. But why am I being sad because of this truth? Even if people cannot see HIM either.. HE is still there too and so much more than meets the eye as we ourselves also are.. I totally understand HIS invisibility and how much bigger HE is because of my own lacks. Its because of them I see HIM and find myself fully!

I have learnt to appreciate HIM in ways others may not so I guess all the more reason to give out this hope. I stubbornly believed in HIM even unseen and its because of recognising my lacks I found form, feelings, help, comfort, strength, possibilities its why I share this very thing right now. HE has come into view and HE is what brings me into focus in this medium and through these words..

I am simply letting my vulnerability reveal HIM as HE says will happen and finding there is purpose for my struggles and HIS strength is revealed in my weakness and although a weak person has nothing to offer the world and the world has nothing to offer a weak person.. If I were even a highly sought artist or writer I would have something to give and offer but unseen and un-noticed people have nothing to give or offer.. Yet there is something here isn’t there!

Trying to live without HIM is like wrestling with yourself and we live in ourselves.. but yet we wrestle on and on and on.. and wonder why we get so tired and when you realise there is no reason for strength ( that’s GOD) no reason for words (that’s GOD).. no reason to keep going (that’s GOD) .. you cannot just see HIM invisible anymore.. And there you have it.. The reason I am here.

The words “Without YOU” are indeed about me today… Oh how many times have I heard said to me “It’s not about You…” though I secretly smiled to myself when I heard that because they got it so right.. Today I could answer them clearly… “Yes I do know that”.. because it never has been about me..

But today and onwards is different. Suddenly I see that the world needs me too.. and maybe that is why I keep putting myself out there.. because I cannot hide and don’t want too.. I cannot not be me and every human struggle shouts loud.. yes yes yes I do matter and I want to be seen… and I would burst if I didn’t because the spirit/river has to flow.. I think inside everyone of us.. especially the imperfect unfinished art (us) cannot hide anymore and fear starts to lose its hold. The walls begin to crumble… You realise the river/spirit was always going to burst through anyway.. Ohh you know the cutout you (what we all perceive) is not just one dimensional and because you cannot give up its saying nothing is going to define you anymore as we are so much more than even the things we did in the past.. or even yesterday…. Yes we are going to be vulnerable right now, thats what people are.. and we are going to show ourselves no matter what.. Thats what people do.. and yes there might be a process and another layer or 50 more to come or go.. it might be unfinished cause this is what we feel or see today.. but its happening and its now.. We cannot deny it anymore.. We have transpired..

transpire verb –
to occur; happen; take place.
to emit or give off waste matter, watery vapor, etc., through the surface, as of the body or of leaves.
to escape, as moisture or odor, through or as if through pores.
to be revealed or become known.

Inside Out Living

Writing on a passage that jumped out at me as I read “Seven Spirits Burning” by John Crowder and also a day top turner quote.. called “Seize the Day”..

I want to think about these things in relation to my life.. and how I have been looking at it..

Ponder.. think.. as online friend Dustin often says.. think outside of the box.. but its true.. we are made new creations.. and yet we continue to live the same old way.. and of course nothing changes and we wonder why heaven stays separately and away from us.

The quote is.. “Change your thoughts and you change your world ~ Norman Vincent Peale”

I see that as speaking directly to me.. Ohh how the signs are all around us.. GOD is in everything.. so to start seeing HIM in everything.. Not the bad.. but in positive good ways of course..

These are what I was reading.. in short form..

*** Old Covenant highlighted sin.. looked for future breakthrough..

*** New Covenant points to the righteousness of Christ.. looked backwards to the reality of what Christ has once and for all accomplished..

For me personally I would often define my life as waiting.. waiting for breakthroughs.. asking for things.. wanting things to change.. sigh.. Feeling the effects of my sinful world and being ever aware of my short falls.. oh how many of them that I have..

But in light of these revelations… maybe my thinking has to change.. but how can I get out of this waiting..

How can I simply believe that all has come to me because JESUS already made it all happen.. when I just don’t see it???? That I am ‘gulp’ now made “righteous”..

Can I live whole.. perfect.. when my world seems anything but.. well maybe I don’t have too.. but I just simply have to believe it that it is done.. change the way I think about it.. and maybe then my world will change around me..

I need to define my life differently.. forever onwards.. Checked on the word in a dictionary ~ Purpose ~ With a purpose that an anticipated outcome is intended that guides my planned actions..

Also I am listening to the song.. Butterfly.. by Mariah Carey… I think there is something in the life of the butterfly that resounds in this pattern of course for her she is created new and just lives it.. 🙂 I guess the butterfly does not think at all about her previous life as a caterpillar.. Because nothing for us outwardly changes.. we have to begin by renewing our thinking.. Inside to the Outside..