Bad to Good. Darkness to Light.

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What are some of your most recent encounters with your shadow, your dark side, the monsters in your closet or your “demons”? How do you deal with the negative, darker aspects of your personality?

This is my darkness and shadow-land. It is bad.

A familiar demon named Failure keeps close saying that I am worthless.
She always reminds me of the past and how others have treated me.
As if every bad thing that has ever happened is a reinforcement of what she says.
She smirks that this is the reason why I am alone so much and appear ineffective.
Her one desire is to keep me totally overwhelmed by my inadequacies.
Whispering that nobody wants to hear what I have to say.
My art in any form is childish and petty and moves no-one.
That people can’t and won’t see my strength and fighting spirit.
The lack of interest in my person seems to agree with her.
Little support keeps her cackling away and me feeling weakened every day that passes.
I foolishly listen and let it sink into the core of me.
The result.
I stop speaking. I stop writing. I stop creating. I just stop.
She is never happy unless she siphons it all. Every last drop of me from this world.

“Your contributions won’t make any difference..” she screeches.
“See how you are becoming less and less my dear.”
She is a constant noise in my head and her goal is to shame me into shutting the door to my heart up tight.
I only wish people didn’t pay her heed.
She is busy not only with me and I fear people believe her lies.
So that the louder she cries the more drained I feel.
But yet here I sit. In my bed. Typing about her. I laugh because she has inadvertently given me something to say.
Even if this is all it is. A simple telling of my battles with her. In the telling I always feel empowered. Maybe others will recognize her in their lives too?

Than there is Comparison. If Failure isn’t bad enough than Comparison can sidle alongside and drain any last dregs of hope.
“You can’t possibly be noticed creatively till you do what this person does.
Look at her or him. See the responses they are getting!! Now compare yourself. Go on.
Hey Failure get a load of this. She’s got nothing. Hardly anyone noticed today.. Ha ha ha ha.
She’s got a friend in you. They don’t notice because there’s no comparison..”
And they totally crack up.
They are well acquainted with my weaknesses. Together they are anyone’s worst nightmare.
All I can see is the lack of interest and their laughter gets louder and I cry and the tears just don’t want to stop.

I search high and low and far and wide and I think I need more of this or I need to do that and spend another dollar here and buy this there. Do another course. Read another book.

Simply distractions that’s all it is. To stop me from doing what I am created to do.

What I want to do. What I burn inside to to. What I love to do. What keeps me alive.

When I do not communicate in some way or express myself in some form it truly drains the very life force from me and I have literally little desire to live.
Anyone that speaks or produces something does so to get feedback; always more than just for themselves and to be acknowledged. I am no different. This is just my way to speak and I do so to be heard. Maybe the failure isn’t all to do with me?
In this they are right though. I am a failure if I do not try. One cannot be enough and will not make a difference if they do not try at all.

The next day it is the same and the day after that and so forth. I can see why people are not moved towards me if I am losing the ability to confidently speak and be present.

When one says little how can many know of the extent of it? Why would they notice?
I just slowly fade from sight and mind altogether.
What comes from the heart goes to the heart – Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
So I say what doesn’t come from the heart can’t go to the heart either.

Failure says I have nothing worth saying. So I hold back.
Says that I am a freak.
Leaves me empty and dissatisfied because I listen.
Her taunting voice says “No one is seeking you out.”
I can see there is truth in this and there is no one to refute her.

I think.. why am I so sad? Despite this lack of response.
It is a joy when I put myself out in the world the way that I do.
It excites me. I am moved in spirit. I am fully alive.
A heart must do what a heart must do.
What is a result? Just a by-product that is all.
The essence is always what is most important.
Even though this is the way it is. I can still use this. Fight back.
I have reason. I have an outlet. It keeps me going.
So I must write. I must express myself. This is a driving need. More than just a passing whim or desire. This is the way I function. This is my life. My soul. My way of being.
I have time. Lots of time. Little distraction.

Bonus. No demon in hell can stop my light shining. Darkness cannot put out a light.
Only when a light goes out completely it is dark. I cannot help smiling that the darker it is the more powerfully even the smallest light shines out.

Than Failure reminds me of all the relationships fallen by the way side.
All the people who keep their distance.
“If they have given up on you why are you bothering at all?”
“Who is going to see your light if people’s backs are turned away from you?”
“What point is a single light in darkness if it doesn’t attract attention and people obviously don’t get you?”
Rejection is another demon which screams very loud.
He dictates to me that a lack of people and better still people turning away means they are anti-me. He points out that I turn people away from me with what I say.
I am at a loss for a defense. Anything left inside and any inspiration I could conjure just drains away in defeat.
So he stays and loneliness and isolation crowds me in and I feel rejection day and night, night and day. I feel totally alienated. Alone. Unproductive and miserable.

Its not that I can’t be happy alone. I can. It’s just that I feel there is nothing worthwhile to fill up the hours and I waste it away. Enjoyment eluding me.
Quickly I get lost in thoughts of what others must think and what they say behind closed doors.
As if I can read their thoughts. I cannot though.
It is always hearsay.
Comparison always reminds me of what others have done and are doing and what they have said.
That I do not measure up. That I never will.
Keeping me sad because it appears that I should not even enjoy my own company.

Stagnant and appearing blocked. I waste time regretfully.
This stealing of precious time like sand falling through an hour glass.
I am painfully aware of every grain that falls.
Time ticks away.. Tick tick tick..
I mourn the time that has passed and yet still more passes.
Endless repetitive wasteful cycle.

Why do I keep trying I ask myself.
Failure answers “It’s not worth it you will fail.”
Comparison answers “Don’t even try.”
Rejection says “No one will notice.”
No no I shake my head.
Not true. I will fight.
None of you are ever happy. Ever.
No matter what I do or don’t do.
I know for a fact that doing something no matter how small is good.
Shut up!!!
I am enough. Lack doesn’t mean I have nothing.
I have myself.
Just because I am a loner doesn’t mean everything is wrong. It just means it’s the way I am.
I am writing this. I’m telling the world I’ve had enough of your lies.
I am being brave. Every word is saying something.
The truth is being told and it sets me free and I find my peace.
Every word that I type is a cry of my heart but it brings joy to release it.
That it IS released out of me, that I am honest.
Than I am free.
I defy darkness every time I leave a part of myself some place!
I am going to keep persisting.
This is how I do it.

I rely not only on myself.
See.. like you are here and I am here.. so is another.
The greatest essence the world will ever know.
I am never alone.
HE is with me.
I rely on HIS power which is greater than I and greater than any demon.
One who stays with me without judgment despite the worst of my faults.
Who has set the highest standard that could ever be set and obliterated any need to reach it again.
One that has told me how demons are beaten.
Who always listens.
HE has shown me that HE has opened the way to fullest life.
HE trades HIS strength for my weakness.
In fact the weaker I am the more HIS strength shows up!
No matter that demons and darkness rage against me the way that they do. Or that anyone applauds my efforts.
Because of HIM I overcome. HE is my enough.
HE is my way through…
Freely I live and bring forth from my inner most being even the little that I produce.
He promises that ALL of it. All of what I speak of above will work together for good.
I choose to do this than. Tell it.
This is my spirit and light shining. And it is good.

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3 responses »

  1. You are so brave to share so openly. I believe people often do read or are moved but do not take the time to comment. Or they can’t find words to fit how they feel. Or they are timid themselves and don’t feel comfortable in a public arena like this.

    Your writing here reminds me of C.S. Lewis. Keep going!

    If it helps….one time a while ago I had a dream. I was at a party but I was alone. I was standing at a banquet table, my back to the crowd. Suddenly Jesus came up on my left, kissed me and then He picked me up in His arms. As He carried me out of that place He told me, “It’s solitary confinement for you.” He said this with a smile. I knew it was going to be a good thing for me even though I did not understand it.

    Try not to question or ponder too much on your current state. He knows all of the whys to your life and you are not hidden from Him.
    Love you friend!

    • Thank you for your replies for some reason I couldn’t answer till now. There was a lot to read on this one. Just getting anyone reading through it by choice is precious to me.

      When a friend of the family gave me bags of books awhile back I kinda knew I was in for a lotta time on my own. My life isn’t hard in some ways. I get a pension, child support and I can stay at home. Children are with me most of the time.. So I have more freedom than most to write and do art. Work at not wasting my time though.. Your time to read makes it all worth while..

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