Tag Archives: Holy Spirit

Soul Smashing


Day 21 Soul Smashing.. 30 day Journal Project. Obviously I have not done this in 30 continuous days lol.

“It’s hard to go. It’s scary and lonely… and half the time you’ll be wondering why the hell you’re in Cincinnati or Austin or North Dakota or Mongolia or wherever your melodious little finger-plucking heinie takes you.
There will be boondoggles and discombobulated days, freaked-out nights and metaphorical flat tires.
But it will be soul-smashingly beautiful..
It will open up your life.”

— Cheryl Strayed


It has opened up my life…

Oh absolutely. I mean it gives me a story to tell unlike anyone else’s stories. I am just going to share this little moment I had recently.

I have a heap of books on the go. Don’t look at my Good Reads account and my personal list of books I’ve added there.. lol I have SO MANY books on it that I have started reading and stopped and picked up something else. Oh my. My latest addition is ‘The Artist’s Way’ because a reference to it keeps showing up over and over and I am taking it as a sign. 🙂
In this book it suggests doing morning pages. 3 pages of writing anything at all just to get it on the page and out of you. Apparently this is supposed to help unclog our creative flow. Even if all you can say is ‘I cannot write today I have nothing to say.’ over and over. Getting yourself into a writing ritual and it isn’t meant to be pondered and it’s just for your own eyes.
I have done Morning pages for two days now.

I found myself writing about the difficulties I have had with other people who have gossiped about me and how it has possibly ruined my reputation or clouded people’s opinions of me. I will not quote myself here because it’s personal and I have never learned to write in such a way people cannot see right through me. I am not about ruining anyone else either. Of course I am not 100% about what things these tongues are saying about me. It is just that a lot of people have been indifferent towards me for quite some time and if I put two and two together I suspect that this is what has happened. I have had fall outs with a few people and I have spoken about such here on my blog and on social media. Never to out or gossip about people but to cope with it, survive it. Anyway I was sharing about this today in my Morning Pages and something else completely unrelated came into my path almost immediately after.

It has amazed me and indeed smashes my soul and is perfect for this prompt for Day 21 of 30 days.

I randomly picked up a book of Sonnets by William Shakespeare and was flicking through it. The thought bouncing around inside my head was that possibly reading one sonnet a day could help my creative inspiration or even just that I could see if the book was worth keeping. I have a very bad habit of collecting books and art supplies and ‘gulp’ not always using them. I have been slowly weeding out one thing daily and today I wanted to see if this one was worth keeping for reading, cutting up, or getting rid of. Yes I do cut up good books but most of them I pick up second hand at thrift stores so although it is still strange to cut up books I feel more justified doing so with old/used books.

At first glance I thought why am I bothering with such writing. Old style poetry/sonnets? Kept browsing looking for pics to cut out and keep and I was almost going to just ditch it when I found a sonnet with crow pics that caught my eye. I love crows. I see them all the time when I walk and I don’t know they seem to watch over me almost. Keep me company because they are simply always there.. I identify with them. They are seen as a bad omen by some yet I see great goodness in them. Birds created by God and HE takes care of them. Many scriptures about God caring for birds.

So I gave the sonnet No.70 my undivided attention. I can thank the recent Mental health and literature University course I’ve done for teaching me the value and strength of writing like this. To look deeper into it. Not expecting every word to make sense but to read out loud or ponder it and stay with it’s words and meanings and identify with the heart of the poet/author. I even went on-line to see if I could find the actual poets meaning of it. Lo and behold it echoed much the same as my feelings and thoughts I had written in my Morning pages, of course not in so eloquent of words but woah!!!

Just like that a bridge appears in my life. A bridge that connects me here in the future to the past, via my own frustrations and struggles and links me to what William Shakespeare for his own reasons wrote so very long ago. It is at this point I’m blown away with the unique timing of it’s appearing. The similarity spanning ages and my soul just sighs.

I can’t help acknowledging God immediately. I just sit and let the moment sink in. I just see so clearly as I study the words in the sonnet that the similarities found show something much deeper and far more reaching is at work. I think my jumbled and mis-matched life just makes it that much more of a miracle that this sort of connection happens. It kind of says to me something greater is working in and through us all which does link past, present and future.

I AM going to cut this sonnet out and use it in an art journal page. How mysterious that a sonnet penned so very long ago connects with me in 2017 and so beautifully describes to me similar feelings. It encourages me that all is not lost. Using Crows as well none the less.
Strengthening me that such things said about oneself shall not be to one’s defect! One’s worth shown to be greater simply because tongues have indeed risen against.

Such moments of connection do indeed happen so often in my creative life that I swoon over them and it is why I naturally want to be arty. Heart is overjoyed and my whole outlook is lighter. I feel a huge overriding sense of a past and present oneness of Spirit and at least at this moment can see it all melds together. That no matter what happens and how strange it might seem all peoples’ throughout time have experienced such. Identifying a similarity, a common thread and it comforts me. I am helped by these words in this sonnet which I will copy a pic from the book here below.. It is extraordinary.

I think to myself. For something as powerful as a connection like this to happen in a small tiny random moment in my life. How much more is happening out there to all of us that maybe we are not yet aware of but it IS still out there working beautifully and hopefully my sharing might make someone else notice soul smashing moments too.  Gives one incredible fortitude to think of the similarity of Spirit connecting us all.



When it comes to dirt roads… 


JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project
Day 12
“Of all the paths you take in life,
make sure a few of them are dirt.”
— John Muir

Today’s Journal Prompt:
When it comes to dirt roads…I am off the beaten track. There is the direction the majority takes and there is me. It has not been choice for the most part but rather that I just don’t need to fit into the mainstream anymore. The funny thing is we are told to go out into the world. Internet is a great world bringer together and a perfect going out all over the world vehicle. And yet majority live from the position and conduct of where they are and how they are rather than the spirit within themselves being the transporter into the world via self.

I see myself as one who has shot off the main stream into a smaller off shoot stream but the same current did carry me here. It happened to me rather than by me. I just went with the flow even though it is different to others. I do not have the fortitude to go back upstream neither the desire either. I go with it. There is no turning back for me. Force beyond myself that propels me forward and I have no idea where I am going I just know I am not alone even though it feels it. Spiritual sense of greater connection and purpose.
When I think of the word ‘dirt’ I think of earthy, I think of natural basic core. I think of dirt as perhaps bumpy, different and unforced perhaps a little rough and very spontaneous. I think of slowing down to enjoy the journey and being in the moment wherever you are. I think of adventure. I think of bare necessities. I think of getting lost but being found.


I am at a place in my life where I am out of my comfort zone. Not living from a throng of people around to influence me or support me or validate me. Not too many distractions. It is rather by the moment existence. Look up. Look within. When things around me line up I am glad it gives me intuitive vision to keep trudging on. This inner compass doesn’t say what will happen or how or what is next. It just appears from time to time and you feel things are right. Hard to explain. Relying on peace to guide me. If there is no peace I want nothing to do with it. If there is peace I can cope with just about anything at all and get through it no matter what it is.

As I was praying today this scripture has become a base for my prayers.

Ephesians 1:8 ‘the eyes of your heart being enlightened, in order for you to know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.’

As I said earlier it feels very much this ‘path’ is my calling. Yet I do not understand it and it can be very strange and much like being in unknown territory. It seems selfish. It seems in denial of all that most believe and are being. It seems almost defiant. IT IS a different track to most. A lot of believers talk about being holy, clean and pure. But this artistic, different, expressive, whole-hearted inner path is a breaking ground existence which can get rather messy. Would be considered very much a ‘dirt’ path. Self is frowned upon yet this is exactly where GODS Spirit takes up residence?!?! Being in midst of a larger congregation seems to be the in thing. So being on a solo type path is rather a no no. Yet it’s exactly here I have learnt the most.

Yet I am not alone. Never alone. Spiritually speaking we are all in the one vine yes? He being the unifying, eternal force that connects the whole of us into one so can one ever say we are alone when we are in the vine? Yet faith travelers tend to identify one another only by living a certain way. Being the church is seen as people coming together and God dwells in the midst. Yet in Spirit and truth how I live even in my artistic endeavors the Spirit is in the midst of ME and I function from that place where He and I dwell. I am not really different at all. Just my perception of it is different. I am from the same earth, the same dirt that our first ever ancestor Adam was formed from. The same Spirit breathed into him that exists in every human being and also in me. This dirt is my flesh home for His Spirit but in my size and shaped form. Beginning and ending in me but when I do things it’s flowing from me. I have the very same life force that Adam had and I believe and am seeing this is exactly where my beaten path is eking out from. The path is being lived out from inside of me. So therefore where I put my every foot, which creatively is my words, my expressions, my feelings, my hopes, my values, my life force however it comes forth. This is my path as wild and as back to the basics of ‘dirt’ it may appear. Everything I do even from my ‘core dirt soul’ is the kingdom life force living within and expressed through me.


Detours all arrive back at HIM in us.


JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project
Day 9
“I am no longer afraid of becoming lost, because the journey back always reveals something new, and that is ultimately good for the artist.”
— Billy Joel

Today’s Journal Prompt:
I found my way back by… 

Where I focus my attention but I wouldn’t say back I would say “looking to HIM daily or moment by moment”. Jesus said I am the way.. So… my way is found in and through HIM.. Yet he is unseen and says HE is with me always so how does one find their way? I grew up learning there was a certain way to live and conduct yourself. How believers are supposed to live. But I have chosen to break away from more traditional worship. For me it is MORE these days about Holy Spirit than Jesus though everything is because of HIM.. Worshiping in Spirit and Truth. HE is all and the above anyway. 🙂
HE himself said unless I go away the Holy Spirit cannot come and be with you. Or something like that as I am not quoting scripture word for word here. Spirit has been very different and very much freer and doesn’t seem to be about “box type behavior” but it is about truth and definitely about presence yet not flesh. And also there is this unknown quality about Spirit. Intuition which seems a very un-biblical word..
I feel unafraid at any moment even if I am living a weird sort of life, a different sort of life even from everyone else. That I can feel lost yet HE is there with me and I cannot really be lost if HE is with me. Spiritual things can be hard to explain but more real then the explainable.
Such a strange thing but for the longest time I have wanted, yearned, desired, cried out for in prayer… a soul mate, someone to love and be loved by.. And its funny timing today being Valentine’s Day. But I feel a real peace today. As if that just because I am so aware of GOD with me right where I am. That because I am focusing on HIM and HIM being all and sufficient for anything I could need, want or desire. I just feel it will happen if its supposed to happen and it won’t be because I have done anything or not done anything it will be destiny. Lol such a romantic kind of word.. But when you are aware of Spiritual things you see a flow, a move, a connection to all of life. Even the little trials and tribulations we humans suffer will never be enough to stem that flow. Face to the sun kind of thing. Sun makes the flowers grow and bloom. God does the same to those who acknowledge HIM. Yet Rain falls on the just and unjust so in a way we all benefit despite even those who do not believe in HIM. HE is life, HE is truth and HE is the way. Circle of life starts, continues and ends in and through HIM.. Yet HE is eternal so there really is no end and no beginning because HE is that too..

So yes I cannot ever be lost even if there are a million detours. And I believe even detours are worked in because HE knows everything and HE is sovereign. There is never any fear in love. HE is perfect love. So why on earth would love be denied the beating heart of any creature who looked to the very source of LOVE itself.



JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project  Day 4

“And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?”
― Rumi
Today’s Journal Prompt:
I am pulled inward by… circumstances and pure delight.

I asked GOD why yesterday. Why this has happened the way it has? Why it has been such a lonely type of journey and what was supposed to happen next? Like ok GOD it is a Spirit thing I get that. But ok now what? I acknowledge You are here and even though it feels like I am alone. I am not because You are here. The very prompts above make me squirm a little because it seems all about me though and wow that cannot be right can it? I mean isn’t the journey of life supposed to be ALL about other people and me last of all? GOD first of course. The outward has not given me much help except to tell me all the things wrong with me and how I should face it and ways to survive in the outer world. Yet when I do allow the inward. You GOD to be center and all the other stuff to fade still they find fault or just want to write me off?? I mean I am supposed to just go and forget myself and do service to the community to tell them about YOU when I don’t even know where I am going or what my purpose is. Anywhere but here. That sounds rather hollow to me. Like I am getting the person in a shell only because they have to be there. Not because they really want to be. Out of service rather then the heart. Fake.

Only when I look to YOU alone can I still my beating heart. Can I breath easily and find my own rhythm. And its only by knowing who I am that I am found confidence in the gifts and joy of being creative and my creative journey has given me back a voice the world wanted to shut down. Only by closing my heart to the voices who for some reason find fault and not add support can I do the workings on a page or writing like this. I cannot do those things when I am doing what is a constant struggle without help and living a certain way because everyone does it like that. I am not anyone else I am me. There it is. I am pulled in wards not out wards. Is that a sin or should I fight it? Is not this where heaven is? Is this not where you are? Is this not where my Spirit and Your Spirit are one? Is not this where the real me lives? The me that will live on for all eternity when my body eventually ages and dies and me lives on. All seems so deep and yet so different to the way of the masses. Yet I love deep and deep calls to deep.

When I think about it I have never been drawn to the shallower things. I want and crave deep. It bores me chit chat so I excuse myself from it. My deafness has been a bonus in this. I can say sorry I cannot hear and step away. But I feel guilty though. I feel I have missed so much of the every day conversations and things that EVERYBODY seems to know. Yet have I really missed so much? Or am I the one learning and growing from the all that the rest ignore because the outer life is the way to go. Yet the outer life only exists for as long as we are in the body.
The fascination about any kind of art expression is. It will live on after the flesh person is no longer. How many books, paintings, poems, pieces of architecture, films, sculptures and so on will remain on earth to be seen, loved, admired and studied after the author, actor, artist, painter, etc has passed on.

The very thing that is happening right now to me in this prompt, in this 30 days of having to sit and journal is there is no boundaries on my spirit at all. I can write what I want and think what I want and instead of looking to the constrictions of my life I am free. For once in my life I am seeing it.. Freedom. Because its Sunday. As I write this millions of Australians are sitting in churches under pastors or teachers and they do that every week, or more often. Yet here I sit on my bed, with my trusty lap top. And I have the same Spirit they do. Yet I can be in my own home, on my own bed, in my pjs even, yet I am still a part of that. Not because of where I am but because of the Holy Spirit. That is the same anchor we all have yet HE doesn’t say do this or do that. HE is in us. HE in us make the whole lot of us one. Right where we are. As we are. HE gives us freedom. HE gives us talents and HE gives us choices. This art is my talent. This art expression is my choice.. And the way I am being is HIS gift to me. This freedom every person in the world has right now. It is a joy. It is a knowing. It is a force greater then us yet available to all of us. I just acknowledge HIM and let my spirit flow. Strange though how it happens in and through me.

— Portal — 


Art is a window to the Infinite, an opening to the spiritual world, a portal through which I travel along with anyone else who views my art. With the help of many other artists, I’m encouraged to discover depths and heights of soul undreamed of by the unawakened world. Art opens the eye of the spirit, transporting me away from the ordinary and every day world where I struggle and can’t quite communicate like everyone else. It’s where I’m freed and brought alive where the sublime reaches to me and I reach to Him being transformed, transfigured in the process.

— SMP — 

This writing is an adaptation in my own words from a quote by Ken Wilber

Find original quote here..  



Now I am revealing new things to you. Things hidden and unknown to you. Created just now, this very moment. Of these things you have heard nothing until now. So that you cannot say, Oh yes I knew this. — Isaiah 48:6-7

I am reading through a book called “The Artist’s Rule” where it gave me this scripture and I am contemplating on it and learning from what stands out to me at this moment. What speaks to me. What is relevant about it to my current life.

Hidden is the word that stands out to me today. It’s like spiritually, physically, emotionally even, I’ve been hidden.

Last night God encouraged me to see that what has appeared to have happened to me is similar to David in the bible. (I was praying about people in my life.. ) 

Who had to hide from Saul. Saul had a jealous spirit and persecuted David. He tried to destroy him. Doesn’t Satan seek to steal, kill and destroy? Spirits of evil still work through people. So I get a sense it’s wise and understandable to escape from what appears to be seeking to destroy us. 

The hidden part. There have been unseen forces over the years that have come against me through people and personal situations that have contributed to where I am and how I am today. Though I have been most frustrated with the ‘unseen’ part of it. The hiding part isn’t as obvious to many. Like many are blind and deaf to what has happened to me. Or it seems it doesn’t matter.

They can really only see the results of what has happened to me. I shared openly recently about the physical struggles I’ve faced and how that has shaped me. But it’s harder I think to define the struggles with people. Very real, different people at different times but similarities in them all as to how it affects me..But also its about more than just me. Where the bible names people and situations openly where there has been persecution.. the Christian way seems to be that we hide things and don’t speak publicly about it. Heaven forbid we name people. I don’t mean shaming, unkindness etc I mean speaking truthfully and not being afraid so that we can all find healing and move forward.. Truth sets free. 

Forgive and move on is the Christian way. Turn the other cheek thing which is ok if it stops. Where I have struggled with the ‘hide it what has happened to me’ kind of thing is where it has been ongoing and subtle. Slowly slowly chipping away at me till there was less and less of my confidence. So that when and if I react it comes back on me lol instead of the one doing it.. Unmentionable and extremely cruel like a person suffering but nobody notices and that in itself destroys you the anonymity of it.. It continues on destroying as it was sent to do. Now ok for believers in God it’s spiritual not personal but that shouldn’t mean we just lie down and let people walk all over us.

This word hidden also speaks to me about being in a place where things are specifically revealed at such a time. That there is a greater reason. New information to be learnt. That’s been Gods way all along. When bad things happen, God uses it for good. I am encouraged that even David had to hide for a season or two or three… onwards till it was safe to re-enter the world normally.. All this time something evil was doing its best to shut him down..

When that word came up again today. It gives me hope. I can trust God when things are hidden. I am hidden. A reason for it and it’s ok. New things will be revealed. Treasures will come forth. By God who summons us personally!

Isaiah 45:3

I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

Spiritual Art..


I have not blogged/written in so long. Mostly I have been art journaling or creating digital type images. I just signed up again for a digital art course. The creator was offering her art courses ‘pay what you can afford’ so I snagged a course. Art supplies are very expensive and most of whom I learn from are overseas artists. And they often use supplies I cannot easily find here or if I do they are exorbitant in price. It is most depressing I can tell. So I thought I would try digital art and see if I can produce more with ipad, aps and with the material they teach me. Thus flowing much easier. See how we go.

It is winter here so great weather for indoors activities ha ha though I am an indoor type of girl all year round.. Art Journaling glue and paste is still a big favorite. I have stacks of magazines in my bedroom!! Often pages and words spread across my bed.

I don’t have to put much thought into what I create. I just go through and pick words that speak to me and pictures that appeal to me. Than I just kind of put the pages together and its actually really easy. I think that is how Spirit flows. Its a knowledge inside you that is already there through GOD, your gifts, talents and stamped with your own personal flavour..  We just really have to believe in ourselves and be brave, learn what we can learn and go do it. Doing it is the most important thing.. 

I still can so easily just sit. I am not a great mover and shaker of the world in my physical self.
Of myself I don’t focus easy, rather sit and vegetate and not do much. I really have struggled with zero motivation for quite some time.. 😦 

This is quite strange and a deviation. But in my head last night as I slept I heard these words. “The flesh counts for nothing.”

Mine definitely doesn’t. I don’t work for a human boss. I don’t cook. I don’t socialize much. I don’t have any educational degrees or future plans of grandeur. I am not careful with the little money I do have.  Most days I do not have any plans at all.
I don’t stand out in any way physically and not many notice me. Persistence is my only super power I feel but persist at what?? 

Yet these words have obviously comforted me today because here I am writing again!! My Spirit is what will live on for eternity. My Spirit is what I will live from when I die in this flesh body. My Spirit is strong and has far more impact than my flesh because it keeps going. Ha ha you’re reading this.. I absolutely love love love doing art and sharing it. Or posting this blog and hitting publish. Or adding photos to Instagram. Sharing inspiration on face book. Yes I am love social media pretty strange isn’t it for an introverted girl. There is a freedom here that face to face I do not have. And I am not awkward here it flows.. Easily and this excites me no end. I will fist pump and thank God over and over  ha ha when I hit send. 

I can be happily creating or expressing or sharing for hours and hours and not a soul will see me except doing the family business of caring for the kids etc. They are with their dad atm. Art to my hearts content. I can share my faith. And people of all kinds seem to appreciate it. I don’t get a lot of feedback but that has not stopped me because I love doing it period.

I don’t even go to church. I cannot hear to take part I am almost deaf. Also I see things differently from main stream. The warm body is the temple of the Spirit. Rather than a building. Nothing wrong with bodies gathering though. My people gather online ❤️.. 

My dad preached today and brought me in his written notes.. Sermon notes.. Bless his heart.. And the very first scripture.. Add pic in.. 

YES YES YES.. I cannot stop doing this.. No maters the responses I get.. Just like that scripture says. Talk about the LORD.. Express the messages in my heart I believe HE has taught me. But personally not religiously.. Not thees and thous. There is a religious way of talking and going about life that I have broken away from. Not the source but the expression of it. I want to be authentic, real and not pigeon holed. You have to think about it.. It’s challenging but it’s also intimate and real life. Leaving room for interpretation. Gods Spirit is the greatest counsellor & teacher!! Not cliche’s and not impersonal. I want people to think, see that spirit life isn’t dead and uninteresting. It’s a full life and freeing and unlimited ways to express faith. 

Ok I walk different to mainstream but I think all the time on my own with GOD has changed me in a way that I see HIM and feel HIM and know HIM differently. I just want to experience HIM personally and intimately.. YOU cannot be alone with anyone for a long period of time one on one and not know them differently. 

Spirit fire burning in my bones. People have turned away because of the way I express my faith and that has given me a louder voice and sparked more persistence. Kept me praying!! 

I think because they read with their heads and not view with their hearts.

 But I am telling you there is great great freedom and great great love and out of this world knowledge. For those who will see the heart, see the SPIRIT and live from the SPIRIT and not operate in fear, from flesh or stay within boxes.. Joy and passion will be running over within.. living as they are led and the SPIRIT will speak from most anything and from anyplace and the message goes straight to the heart..



This art journal page came together really quickly. It explains about my life right now. My Spirit and journey.

Just been a really difficult and testing couple of days. I’ve often spoken here about being isolated with hearing loss and life in general.. People around me see that differently and I guess try to help. Unfortunately the latest help has only seemed to isolate me further. Now I am a bit of a loner, introvert etc.. so I know I could do some things differently. But part of it has always been my journey. Spiritually speaking it has caused me to seek GOD more and really brought about my full focus and attention on HIM .. I don’t see that as a bad thing. In fact it’s shown me things that I could never have seen without this journey. I know GOD in ways I could not have known otherwise. But it does mean that I am mis-understood and appear very out there..

I’ve always since childhood had at least one very close friend. Of recent time I’ve had the pleasure of two very close friends. But in the last few days both those friendships surely have been testing grounds for me. I don’t want to say it was all wrong on any side. I know two sides to every story but from my side it was almost unbearable.

But one of things in this journey I’ve gone through is that sometimes I can’t explain things very well. I do see that being alone a lot does make me anti-social. Where friends are constantly getting feedback and learning to move and speak around others. I have not had that experience and therefore its true I am awkward and out of the loop and struggle.

Heavenly things especially are very hard to explain. There is such a wide variety of opinions even in Christian circles.  It can be easy to retreat when your not like everyone else but although physically I often retreat spiritually I am growing in leaps and bounds every day and that makes me want to share the wonder of it all.

I have spent almost all my life in a church. 40 years or so every week faithfully and I was hard pressed to be excited and share my faith openly for half of it at least. But now I love it more and more and more. Everything has to be about HIM.. lol..

God says there is a peace HE gives that is otherworldly and is in fact in HIS words (bible) un-explainable. I remember going through the loss of a child and feeling incredible peace and people couldn’t believe it.. they tried to explain it away as shock or that I was stunted in my emotions or something.. Someone even tried to say to me when I was happy not sad..” but Jesus wept??”.

Believe me I weep.. plenty of times I weep. But I felt such peace at that time from GOD I couldn’t cry. And I felt joy and others cried my tears. It changed my life. I wonder sometimes that we believer’s get so surprised at the way people are when we are praying for them to get through. Surely if they do things that don’t seem normal we can think GOD is at work even if I don’t understand what I’m seeing and hearing. We should be expecting supernatural answers!! How great is the GOD we pray too after all!

I tried and tried to tell people what I was feeling but few believed the depth of it. How could they understand something like this; if I who had experienced it was struggling to explain it. It’s just happiness and peace yet seemed so un-natural when I was experiencing loss and trauma. Heavenly things can be a burden too in that we live in this world and yet we are not of this world and we are conditioned to see the natural. I bet we do still miss so much and we try to dismiss things and explain away things we cannot understand instead of see them in a new light.. we do need our spiritual eyes hearts to be opened to see and believe.

My journey in this isolation is like that. Its very very real to me and although it might seem my fault in ways too it certainly has its greater purposes and GOD wastes no mans life whatever seems evil HE can work for good.. GOD is in this with me I don’t have to be afraid. When it seems all you have is GOD that’s not the worst thing in the world is it!!

When suddenly the two closest people to me are at odds with me and even getting together to talk about it. Oh my… oh my..

It is possible of course GOD has shown them things or ways to help me but the way it was coming across only made it all so much worse for me..  But I love that it has got me writing so much and personally so and doing art too. When I shut down and have nothing to say than you should be worried..

So although lately it has seemed so pointed and hard to bear. Like suddenly there is no one close to me who is helping me through. Which could mean a massive danger light couldn’t it. That instead of my world opening up more it has closed down almost completely. There are different ways to seeing this.

I just so want to be supported and loved and to be believed and cherished.. But in every hard time I have found JESUS does not ever leave and I can lean fully on HIM.. And HE uses everything… even this..

A big possibility is that the friend\s I’m sharing about who I still call a friend, reads this. I hope like my ex husband used to sometimes say when it was hard for us and I couldn’t cope with him nor him with me. That God will use this for his greater purpose in your life and it wont turn my friend off me completely. 🙂

This image below tells my story. If you click on it it opens larger and can see more detail.

Darkness intermingled with gold in the background indicating that although there is darkness I trust GOD for HIM to work it out for good and I do prefer to see the good happening despite the bad. The Light streaming down is the beautiful ways I see Him in nature through the clouds and sun rays and HIS beautiful creation around me including seeing HIM in timely encouragement and unexpected kindness through people.

Every good and perfect gift is from above… coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

It might not show up but the picture is of a high place, mountain top, rock… A solitary person is sitting there admiring the beauty of a sunrise or sunset.. For me it hasn’t been people or being in a church building or sitting and hearing wise teachers who counsel me and teach me as my main source it has been the HOLY SPIRIT. And not once a week or here and there but with me wherever I am.

I’m simple in my expression but I hope it shows my heart always and a depth that I cannot explain. And I want to give HIM glory and anything good that results from my journey I know to give HIM glory because I well know my foibles.

I am encouraged that even though my faults are easily seen and very obvious that I still have this overwhelming urge to keep sharing things openly and I have been called transparent in times past. I need to keep my head up and heart strong.

There is a uniqueness in my journey as is every single person’s individual story.

I was told by a friend that I was on a whole different wave length and very hard to communicate with. Knocked the wind out of me for a bit. I mean I have struggled in the past to see results. Many long standing prayers seem unanswered and say otherwise to my path and faith. This has all been very difficult, very personal and almost shut me down. I mean if deafness isn’t hard enough. Than this could easily indicate I’m failing big time.

The fact that my online presence is apparently driving people away almost means I have no way to express myself. Almost except… that I have not given up. I’m still here.. I have not stopped despite fewer and fewer in my physical cheer squad.
The strange irony is online I have met many many friends. Beautiful, encouraging, loving and faithful people from all walks of life..

The sheer number of them over the years from all over the world is overwhelming.. on my birthday just recently my face book was flooded by messages and love from the most amazing souls on this planet..


Jesus has not left either. EVER.

So understand me that even though I am and feel isolated a lot.. spiritually I am strong.. I am loved and I am impacting the world and its said I inspire others.. I know I do have a presence in this world!!

Yet over the last few days I mean if those closest to me are right. Nothing much I’m doing now is making any difference and in fact I’m pushing people away which would be downright the very opposite of what I hope and desire and pray for..

Which way should I see it??

I love that they are my friends.. I love that they care…. that they have been such a big help to me.. Helped me get where I am.. But within me I don’t know there is this life force inside that says look forward. Don’t stop. Keep going.

I have also thought to myself as I struggled with it of late. That this struggle and this communication problem and this isolation also makes me stand out more and more and almost like a steel enters my soul this downright stubborn strength that won’t give up.

If I’m so very very different than possibly that does work in my favour. Plus every so often GOD sends me a person ( I met someone new yesterday )which so uplifts my heart that there is no way GOD is not involved. That they can be there and say the things they do at such a time is extraordinary. Oh my does my heart sing and beat faster at these times!!

I’m told not to be afraid. That when I am weak HE is strong. Keep going. Keep believing and so forth.

So here I am.

I will end this with a scripture that encourages me when I can’t be sure why things all seem so anti me. Something greater than me keeps me going.. This is my testimony.. through child loss, divorce, deafness and isolation.. and even being less and less and less appealing to people around me at times.

Please swap the words in the scripture below to ‘these men’ for my name.. block quoted.

The higher authorites in Old Testament times were trying to stop these men speaking out the name of JESUS.. They’d killed Jesus and did not want to be reminded about Him and his folllowers.. it was pure hate.

Angels would come along and rescue them from prison. They got beat up but they kept speaking. Almost killed and many were. They seemed the enemies and something to loathe and destroy yet they could not be stopped because their calling was from on high. So where one is shut down another appeared and what was often mis-understood is in fact the very beginning of the church which is the corporate body of believers world wide we all belong too.

Irony is despite persecution over the years the believers of GOD have only ever kept growing in numbers..

“But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against GOD!” Acts 5:39




For this 2nd week of “Made” art course we had to choose a word.. The word power keeps coming up in the world around me.. Then I did an art piece on it.

The quotes below came from the book “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brenè Brown..

These below have spoken to me as I have been thinking about this word “Power” and what it means to me.. I will let the art speak for itself..

*Spirituality is recognising and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a greater power than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practising spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives. Brene brown

*Martin Luther King Jr described power as the ability to effect change,

*Lit from within

*Both joy and gratitude were described as spiritual practices that were bound to a belief in human interconnectedness and a power greater than us.

Psalm 121:2
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9


An Honest Prayer


Home alone… My ex husband has two youngest kids.. Oldest daughter stayed out with friends.
Still in my pjs.. Coffee and chocolate..
Saturday morning almost over..

I’m so aware of my aloneness. Aware of what could be spiritually in the places I am where there are other people.
I mean for me. Physical isn’t my best realm. Hearing wise.. Communication wise. People wise. I’m just more a loner and I don’t have that gift for warmth and bonding with people.. Family included.
Even umm in the saying I just falter to express myself out there. I guess that’s why the deaf and mute spirit seem connected..

Online.. Text… Social forums. Easier for me there but even there I’m not in rhythm that I know or feel. I started a face book group but I don’t know… It could be so much more and I’m getting to the stage where I feel I have to beg and that’s not pretty..

It just highlights my inadequacies even more.. Ha ha the good thing about trials is… I turn to God.. Ohh I’m so glad He is here always and I don’t have to struggle to explain myself… I can be foolishly myself and say millions of things to Him that people seem closed too or that I cannot seem to say.. Not their fault because I know writing this people will feel guilty… Just seems my lot in life this communication barrier thing that’s so much more than simply my hearing loss..

Anyway I wrote this prayer which may seem desperate to publish but hey I’m me and this is what I do.. Its a cry from my heart.. You never know what God can use to help another.. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels the way I do and powerless in it.. I do have many friends online and family of course… And you know reading their struggles it does weigh on you… With the troubles in Israel… The recent plane crash where so many died… Family and friends with hardships.. It makes you cry out for understanding…

LORD so many attacks on people..so much hardship… So much darkness… Yet we are called to be the light.. The salt… The people with good news… So many of us are weak and carrying heavy burdens… We need your help… We need your strength.. We need your wisdom… Your caring and gentle presence.. I’m here daily but I seem to have so little impact? Lord I don’t know what to do… I can see the need for togetherness and the power of people connecting and joining forces… But if people don’t see it also its all in vain… I know I lose my focus… Lord I’m the least person to rally them.. Ha ha… I don’t have any authority well people don’t listen or return or find my door… I know I know you use the weak ones right… But I need something that would show people Your with me.. So they turn you know not to me but to each other and especially You so that together we worshipped you as you really are and as one as we really are.. I can’t do anything but you can do everything… Help me lord rally these people.. I mean ohhh yesterday on my sisters fb post all these people in one place commenting… Oh how I felt that moment for what it could be… And yet all of us have different agendas and I wonder does anyone else see it.. Feel what I felt then… They don’t see it yet because we don’t acknowledge each other well maybe one or two do but all of us right then at that moment are Gods family as if our spirits were all in one place yet we are not truly aware of what is the deeper meaning.. I mean if all of us were in one place with my sister… Would we each one only just say something to my sister and not to each other? Its weird Lord because our spirits are what we are supposed to live by.. Yet spiritually we don’t get it yet…
We’ve had the power all along but never realised it.
Lord even on my own I see the need for people… I’m the last person to do anything about it because I’m not even able to explain myself… I post something and always having to explain what I actually said… I have nothing to draw people to me… Not much going on here at Unify (Facebook group)… No one much comes to see me… Its crazy… But Lord how… How… How… To unite… What to do once we unite… Ohhh everyone has their own agendas… How does one person get the respect of people? How do you lead people in one accord? How to find the time… The devotion… Only by Your Spirit… Seems Impossible that even two agree on anything… I just lift these things to You… What can I do but look to You… Amen