Monthly Archives: April 2017

Belonging

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Journey : 30 Day Journal Project

Day 24

BELONGING

“It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Prompt — I  feel I belong..

Oh my this is a good one. I decided to choose the more positive prompt. 🙂
Belonging is so very important. It’s a life force which flows from one to the other probably when you are a people person you can take it for granted. But when you fall through the cracks of life you can yearn for it and realize it’s value and see its goodness and purpose much better because it is something you do not feel you have.
I think of it like electricity poles without wires. The interactions we make with each other fire us up every day. It is why when a stranger smiles at you it makes you feel really good inside.

I am energized by creative people. Whether I am in their company or not. Their art or expressions just seem to have a life of its own or a part of the person’s spirit resides in their creativity and transmits to the one who admires it. I feel I belong in such company. It is hard to explain. But although creative people appear to be different sorts of people. They are warm and welcoming in ways that are beyond the physical. You feel drawn to them but also strangely connected. In their midst you are much happier. You do belong and I guess maybe you feel like you know them better then you actually do. Old souls or something.

I don’t need them to be constantly in my life because they kinda already are. They have affected a part of me inside. Inspired me and their art keeps me going, gives me hope, draws out of me what I cannot get out of myself on my own. They seem to accept you as you are and you them.

There can be similarities to our journeys even though we may be on completely different sides of the earth, believe totally different things and even have different centuries of birth. That one I touched on last blog post.

I know people feed off each other. I cannot speak from an extroverts position. I am a loner. But it doesn’t mean I don’t wish to belong I really really do. I just flow differently that’s all. I still need to meet and mingle with fish in my stream. I guess it makes me daily search to find it.  I do it all of course from the internet. Ha. My bedroom. Spirit is found on-line and I love that our modern world has this option. It is strange though. Years ago you would be completely isolated if there were no people around you and even mailing hand written letters would take months to arrive. We do take the written word so much for granted these days. We get annoyed if our texts are not answered straight away!!!

I never know where my writing is going to flow when I do it. 

Being a single woman who is a romantic at heart flying solo I loathe it but yes I do have lots of time to do art and nobody is going to care if art supplies are flung across my bed.
So I am going to base my art journal page along with this writing on my hearts desire that is to be loved and passionately because that is a belonging I crave. Now I KNOW spiritually GOD loves me more than any human man or woman could ever love me. I do not physically see HIM or feel HIM that way. 

I found a beautiful book at an op shop yesterday (thrift store) about quotes and pics of love.
One quote which touched my heart is “Trust in my affection for you. Tho’ I may not display it exactly in the way you like and expect it, it is not therefore less deep and sincere. ~ Anna Jameson, 1833 “

Now that IS exactly how my wildly romantic heart has to function these days. I have to stubbornly believe it without seeing or physically feeling it. NOW I can feel it if I take these words into my heart and see with spiritual eyes that GOD is speaking and loving me. Faith is a powerful ally. Children hear Santa on the roof. Authors imagine whole other worlds without actually seeing them with their eyes. Imagination is a great gift.

 God has shown me there is great joy in HIS presence. The bible says that too but I have also felt this said joy despite my life and situation. A joy flood over me in my room or wherever I am aware of HIM but not the bible HIM I was taught since childhood only the personal HIM I found on my own.. It is supernatural. I mean it is not of me at that moment. I truly believe as I have trusted GOD. Yet that word GOD is not enough.. Jesus, Yeshua much closer to explaining HIM who is dear to me. I do not know what word actually would come close to explaining how I really feel about HIM. HE is a real presence to me and why I always capitalize the words to honor HIM. I know in text speak it symbolizes shouting. But to me capitalizing his name I am revering the presence and how real and big and beautiful HE is to me.

A realm of understanding where I belong more than ANY place on earth and am affectionately known and beloved MORE than any human on earth. I can literally be pulled by a desire to speak to HIM that is I guess likened to when you wish to stalk a certain person or be close to someone you desire or only just to hear them say your name. Except that it isn’t a figure I can talk to face to face. Hand on my heart. Hands raised. What I call real worship. Because it isn’t forced and it springs from within and its not only on Sunday. It can be anywhere and anyplace. Personal. I mean I can speak as I am. Awkward. Spazzy. Too many words that spill out all at once that not anyone wishes to hear at anytime but HE does. Spontaneous. For the most I’d say private too. Not that I am ashamed. But I get excited and because I am deaf I speak loud and people shush me always. GOD doesn’t seem to mind. 🙂 But I will anywhere and with anyone also in the moment.

What has surprised me most of all. That I was never taught in church. Is just HOW MUCH HE loves me. In church it’s all focus totally on GOD and the rituals and presentation of it is sort of to be as perfect as you can be. Doesn’t bide well for a clumsy, loud and often late to church person.
But I don’t know it seemed to be to the detriment of the value of ones messy soul. Perhaps in recent years when I have not been in the building of a Sunday things are changing. But I had to leave the building to find the whole truth and I am still learning. My life is not what you would call overly religious by the standard I once adhered too. I suppose reading this you would think I was still there lol. But I am in pjs and it’s almost midday as I write. I do not go to a building and haven’t for years. I do not deliberately daily read the bible though I quote from it. Nor have hour long prayer times set aside.

I just live aware of HIM. HE is more like the air I breathe every day. Like the quote says. I live my life trusting in HIM rather then a set of rules and regulations that I adhere too strictly. I can see that many things HE said are helpful and important. And I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water. I live from within rather than from without. Spirit and truth rather than a wider based term of ‘Christianity’..

I belong because of HIM and what HE did and because of who HE is and who that makes me. Yet I am fully me as I am through HIM. True freedom. I found myself totally an utterly transformed when aware of HIS realm. Takes faith yes. Strong focus because we want what we want and sometimes it doesn’t come the way we wish for it in the physical but also our old ways do not work here so to belong we need to think different. It also takes a stubbornness. A stubbornness to not give up but live as if I was in this realm every single moment of every single day. It has taken a strong heart too because you know dropping out of ‘church’ suddenly you are very much on your own. Oh I know I belong despite how people think I am, judge me to be or how many still believe I have fallen away. But you have to live in this world side by side and they so far for the most who live religiously give me the cold shoulder. See me as out of the fold rather than in. That isn’t so easy to imagine away.

Also it is realizing that many are still not aware that spirit is different to flesh living and that is perhaps why they cannot yet see what I see and live as I live but I’m sharing it regularly and not hiding. For quite some time it’s felt I am in a different world to most everyone else..

We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words — to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves. (The Weight Of Glory) C.S. Lewis

Voyage of Persistance

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Day 23/30 Day Journal Project

“Make voyages. Attempt them. There’s nothing else.”

— Tennessee Williams

Prompt : What propels me forward..

I am propelled forward by the content I come across in life and as always it fits. Doesn’t matter when I look for it. What time of day or state of mind I am in. It all fits. This is exactly what keeps me going forward.

Lord have mercy. When there is nothing in the tank but still I can drive ha ha. What is that?? A miracle. IT IS HIS strength in my weakness.. is what it is. No doubt about that. It is an inward journey I am on or voyage. Sailing the sea of the Kingdom of God. My Spirit alive and free. While my body sadly lags. My flesh gave up many moons ago. True that.

Today the magazine cover floors me. It is a magazine I rarely read that comes in the mail because I am in a roadside assist for my car. Magazine comes with the deal. I cut pictures out of it that is about it. But today the cover oh my oh my.
THIS is what propels me forward. That a Lion is a representation of GOD. Look at the title. Woah.. In the KING’S DOMAIN. Couldn’t be anymore accurate!! I have basically failed in the human domain. Mmm and I am not ashamed to say that. But IN HIS domain well it’s a whole different ball game. The Kingdom of God is within. So my introversion serves me well.

My daily voyages are in-wards. Art picture fits. I copied or drew it based on another artists pic. Nothing like the original except the figure is based on it. No worries about copyright lol. I just liked the closed eyes and the hand on her heart. It’s a representation of myself and my inner voyage. The arrows are outward pressures. I have felt them about as strongly as I ever have of late. I don’t always fair well with the voyage. It can be choppy seas and I spend most of it holding the edge of the ship and hanging on for dear life. But when I do cry out to God and look for HIM HE is always with me. Last night he was speaking to me in my dreams. It felt like I was not sleeping much. But today I am no more tired than other days so I don’t know what exactly it was. He seemed to have much to say. Traditional type prayers have kind of let me down. I don’t know it’s very hard to know what to pray for when you don’t see much change in your life. Our oldest daughter has had what looks like a relapse of earlier illness that knocked her around as a teenager. It’s a knife in your heart when a child suffers. You suffer along with them as a parent. You may not feel the pain they do but you feel a different kind of suffering alongside of them. Our daughter has worked so hard to get through university, finally is qualified and doing nicely and illness strikes. It seems so unfair.

The other night I cried out with what felt like virtually no faith at all. I have never been in that place before. I have always had some faith. Small though it may be but never what felt faithless. I was crying and just saying GOD I don’t believe help my unbelief. I guess even when you feel you have none I was aware and still crying to God. But it felt so absolutely empty my faith gauge. Like I didn’t even want to because nothing much happens in that prayer realm but I still need help and my daughter needs help. So Damn it I am here crying because I have nowhere else to turn.

I know HE is there and I do not doubt that. I know HIM very closely because there isn’t really even a person I can talk too about deep things anymore. Not in a way I feel I need too. I am glad HE is there I was just very physically low that night and stretched thin. Strange times. I know others go through it too in their own way. One thing that amazed me as I cried out was what I said.
“LORD I want to see.”
Over and over. Now I am single and a loner and my heart cry wasn’t for a man or friend. Though I did also cry out for someone just one other person who gets me and I can share my heart and this crazy loneliness with. But my main cry was to see!?! Just has felt very dark for quite some time. No breakthroughs. No changes. I have had no energy for much at all. Nothing that I could say has happened that I could put my finger on. This is helping me or that is helping me or this person is close and I can go to them. Has been no one. Not the way I need. I want to see something more for all the darkness. I know I have not been alone in it. I know it all has helped me know peace and joy and spiritual strength like nothing else on earth could bring me. That is there that has not alluded me. It is just this darkness and void that I walk through daily that seems never ending. It is a most unpleasant place.

To see the Lion. To read “In the King’s domain.” To talk here and now about a voyage. To talk about what propels me forward. Is this. That I desperately need to see GOD for HE alone is the only one who knows and can comfort me right now in this place. HE who can make HIS presence known even using a secular magazine. It is incredibly comforting I just suppose I need to avail of HIM more then ever before. It may not mean anything to anyone else but to me it is the “seeing” I need and I have cried out for. I must believe I am indeed in HIS realm. That HE is taking care of me and I can let go of all that outwardly isn’t making sense and seems to be obliterating me from the outside.

Look beyond the difficult to the clear messages and signs GOD is sending my way and putting in my path. Avail it. Breathe it. Live it. Share it. 🙂

At the end of this writing I will show you what I am seeing and have seen in the past. I really truly hope sharing my own personal low and high moments. Anyone else struggling will start seeing GOD in their own lives in whatever way HE shows up and that your spirit sees more clearly than ever before. No I cannot unfortunately save you from the physical world or give you anything in that realm but I can show you that GOD has not abandoned you therefore somehow someway there is something greater happening and inwardly we can be revived and I believe we will walk through it eventually.

++ The art of the Lion I came across over 3 years ago and it so so so encourages me in my life journey and it helps me for where I am and how I am.. you should be able to see it still links in and is extremely relevant.. I paid the artist money to download it, keep and use it.