Monthly Archives: November 2017

Untitled

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I can’t think of a suitable title. So ‘Untitled’ is perfect. There are no words for how I am feeling today.
I am vulnerable and weak. Apart from a very late night pickup of teenagers at an out of town party.. Running on little sleep. I have been fasting food since Friday night or rather that was the last time I ate.
Prayer and fasting. For a very close friend. My best friend. The reasons are private but this friend has been more loyal than anyone else I know. The scripture says there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. And this friend is all that. Today I could break it but I don’t want too at least not yet. The scripture “when I weak, HE is strong”… is resonating inside me right now. I feel that power too. My stomach is growling and loudly but I feel this surge and I know it’s GOD in me and that is just a little too good to want it to end. And I NEED that. My friend needs that. Our world needs that. And I can use it.. I can use the emotion the spiritual elation. That hunger for food mirrors the emptiness of my life and the crazy life of lack that dogs me. The areas that crave connection to the point I have thought at times of not existing at all in this world. Because it has felt too much to bare. Too impossibly hard to yearn for physical connection I have missed out on and fall so short with. I know even though I am a loner, a self confessed introvert I still need soul connections. I need someone else but close and deep not shallow. Yes even I need not to be alone or not feel alone.

It reminds me of a movie I watched called ‘New Moon’ when Bella misses Edward. He suddenly removes himself from her life and she is desperate for him. Absolutely lost and desolate without his presence. But she finds out when she is in danger or testing her human limits that he appears to her and she goes out seeking similar so she can see him again.

Once before in my life I relied on religion and it was everything. Form, rules, obedience and routine to ritually act out what the bible says and what others who believed were doing too, what I believed Christianity was and what was expected of me. I would attend with my family and I was desperate when I had my own family for us to all be in the building together but my than husband was not as passionate the same as me and more often than not was not with me and it felt empty and I started to feel alone even in a crowd. We didn’t share it in life or religion the same.. Often I just went religiously with my children for a long long time desperate and hungry but you just say hello I am fine instead of tell it like it is. It was hard with 5 little children to do it without help and sometimes I was so busy with the children going in and out of the service for different needs I wasn’t gaining anything at all. I have attended a church since I was an infant in my parents arms up til maybe 4 years ago. Maybe its longer :/

The point in sharing this is. When I stopped going, when I lost that huge part of my life. My desire for God was still very much there I just wasn’t able to rely on those things anymore. I had to have GOD 24/7 not just sundays and with fanfare. I had to have HIM with me always and I knew HE was there because HE said HE was and I believed HIM. I just felt the trappings were distracting me and depressing me. Cause while I sat there all I could think of was all that I was missing and it sucked.
Due to traumas I have gone through I just couldn’t fit in a service with people’s backs to me. Unable to hear what was going on (deaf) and feeling so disconnected. It felt very fake and I couldn’t do it any longer. I was also failing miserably at keeping the show going. My performance level was zip. So much mental energy at keeping my family together that had now separated. And just found myself tossing out everything that drained me and kept only the most important things close to my heart. That was in every sense of the word. Physical, mental, people etc… If it harmed me, I lost interest, it went or eventually I weeded it out. Many people weeded themselves out lol without my help. 🙂 Perhaps it was God or it was just my way to cope. I don’t know.

Spiritually though my story feels like it was just been beginning. When you are not relying on one way anymore you adapt and do things differently. You flow into a new way, a different way and Gods Spirit became my comfort, joy, peace and strength. My everything. Art became so very important too like it was my hands on and my physical way to be a part of the process so that I wasn’t just sitting numbly I was flowing and active.

Creativity in expressing myself and how my spirit was moving and flowing. It became a main way to communicate though because a majority of people in the world do not see art/spirit the way I do I lost even more contact with people. I guess the more I slipped away from outwardly living the more important it became to me and the more people lost contact with me too. I don’t blame them for not getting me anymore. I just missed what I could have with them. What I wanted with them.. Deep soul. Getting each other and not just here and there but always having it. I don’t mean I needed to be in their faces or they in mine. But there are people you don’t see but when you do see them you just pick up again where you left off. You aren’t stressed in any way by time that has passed or anything one might call as lack. You just enjoy the here and now. Why on earth can’t I find those people???

On-line was easiest it still is. People who are heart people or spiritual people get me most. And strangely even with little contact you have depth and connectivity that is amazingly satisfying but it is a different realm. Many still do not recognize it but if you are aware or even start to be aware your eyes are opened to something pretty amazing.

I guess that is why today that weakness from no food is so powerful. Because I am diverting myself away from regular patterns and relying on being full with food and that physical energy. I am not eating and I am not thinking about food, not concentrating on my physical needs. I am tapping into my spirit/soul realm and despite the growling stomach and the need to get up and feed my body.. I am aware of a force within myself that is strong and fired up and its the me I am most in touch with and perhaps 95% do not know. God with me. In me. Helping me.. Me and HIM as one yet separate…
I mean honestly that is miraculous. It is so loud and clear to me that all is not lost. HE has not left me like so many humans have. HE is beautifully present and ridiculously crystal clear when I am not physically strong or not caught up in the ‘Do this.. Be that’… just wow.

I am better able to be aware of things normally that are quiet or even absent in myself. Like even as I am typing this my clarity of events and feelings are coming together in ways which are beyond anything I have realized before. I have read about how if you can keep on this path, push yourself out of comfort zones, push through doubts, blank pages, writers block, life block, gremlins of the art world/or one might call them demons or doubts about yourself even.. Just Being…
That tell you everything you are not and repeat to you all your failures and that paralyze you from growth and improvement and just enjoying life. You reach a place where you are literally tapping into sacred ground and into the highest power.. I suppose people might flinch and say ‘New Age’ which is a no no in Christian circles but only if you throw out the baby with the bath water. It is all God, Jesus, Holy Spirit to me yet in me. HE is the one I credit but this is the miracle that the kingdom of heaven is within. So I get to be the container of the most spiritual proportions in my own unique quality. 100% me flavored lol. The fragile vessel that HE says shows HIM up best. That there I like.. I like very very much.

You wanna see GOD. Just look inside me. ❤

l

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Emerge

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I have been very fortunate/blessed in the last couple of days. I recently got a new car Subaru Liberty well it feels new to me and a big step up from my old car that died and I started an on-line workshop I won called “21 Secrets Tell Your Story”..
Today though I am hesitant. I completed the first artists’ contribution I suppose you’d called it. And I just feel so underwhelmed by what I produced. Not that it isn’t what I was inspired to create or that I wasn’t enjoying the content and that my heart wasn’t in it. That’s not it. It’s because I feel I should do so much better. I have been doing art expression a long time and I still feel so simplistic in the way I do things.

But you know I don’t have to share this with anyone but I am choosing to do so. I want to feel uncomfortable and pushed out of my comfort zone. I want to be unafraid. I want to shoulder through. I was not as playful as was suggested. I think I tried too hard and thought too much and that was not what the lesson was about. It is not what the teacher Carissa was saying.

I had extra challenges with the videos because there are no captions. But I have an Iphone ap that captures most of what she said although it takes extra time to go through the material. I enjoyed the journaling that I did as part of this workshop which surprised me because although I try to write some every day more often than not I don’t. I think journaling and writing is my strongest creative gift. Visual not so much but I still do it because I enjoy it.

The image of the two troubled figures with their backs to each other with the little child like souls inside reaching out. Is an image my brother sent to me awhile back. He said it reminded him of me. I hardly see or speak to my brother so we do not have a close relationship but you know he has said a few things personally that shows he understands me and has done many kind things for my family. That through the years it’s clear there’s a deeper bond that goes beyond the physical.

My life rests on such as this. If I didn’t think there was more to life than the every day or outward appearance of things I don’t think I could survive. It is why I do not excerpt my physical presence in this world as much as I could. I feel and believe that there is a greater reason we exist, live, move and function in this world. The inner life is deeper, more connective, more intimate and more powerful than anything in the physical realm and if we are aware that spirit lives on and surpasses all that fades, the broken parts we can’t fix or the struggles that appear without meaning. It can change the way we approach and view everything else.

I think this is where my greatest power lies. My Spirit within is my truest life force and my highest self. So this image though I drew it myself and it has smudged some. Is the basis of this whole piece of art. I feel very much like that troubled caged figure with my back to others for a majority of life but it does not represent who I truly am and what I believe is really happening..

The smaller bright yellow child represents my spirit which desires true intimacy and where the most important connection happens and it is where I choose to focus on more than any outward appearance and it’s how I want to be seen and known in this world. I will add another photo of the image that might show up more clearly. It is an important piece of art to me which represents my life. It is symbolic. Spirit strong. Flesh weak.

I am not much concerned with my physical presence so I know I probably come across opposite to who I actually am because I do not have a very strong social presence face to face. I used the skin color as the base of the page to show that I have drifted to the background because of this. It also says that I lived a majority of my past life physically being less than honest about who I was and I did not know the power of my soul or the spiritual realm.

God is love tis the banner over me. A huge force in my life and my strength in weakness and through whom I choose to focus which gives me a greater reason to live.

HE is the core power in my world and truly gives me wings. As I was doing this piece too. This bible verse came to mind. I love when that happens. ‘My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26 I am a faith girl too which again resides with what we are charged to do as we live as a new creation.. to not walk by sight but walk and live by faith!!

My Spirit is my highest existence and is exactly the reason why I do not give up. My Spirit is where I experience peace and freedom and why I share my life story no matter how simple or different to others it appears. My Spirit infused by HIS Spirit and with this comes lightness and the buoyancy to keep going. Words and color and images and sharing my faith give me the greatest joy. Relying on the power of SPIRIT to transcend my humanness through the freedom of creative arts and social media.