Love Break Through..

Feeling so much love for myself.. It hasn’t been reliant on others though its always nice to be loved by others. I think all my life it’s been an outward experience of love you know the kind that puts self last and gives because it’s the right thing to do. I love you.. You love me. Without making everyone that has ever said they loved me feel bad. It seemed a surface kind of love. I have been giving that kind too..

The kind you expect from others and if you don’t get it you feel bleh the kind that is obligated and perhaps even conditional and the kind that only loves those whom you want to love and not everyone gets it.. You withold it!?! I have heard love your neighbor kind of thing and deny yourself and that’s what I think has left me empty.. Never ever looking at myself with eyes of love so the emptiness inside its been soul sucking. I think not knowing I was worthy of love or felt loved I have not been able to love others. Period. I know God is love right. Heard it all my life but when it comes to being alone, when friends turn away, when bad things happen to you. That love I learned falls ohh so short and where is it if we are all supposed to be loving. Where is it???? The cries go unheard. The fingers point and say do this and do that. You get the backs of people instead of their fronts. You come up empty and depleted and although many question God at this point and that is totally understandable. I don’t know why but I dug my heels in and believed HE loved me and was with me. He told me that. Phew I am glad I was stubborn in that. Found Him big way lol. Not at all like I was told and taught by people and even very religious and deeply spiritual people or seemed so. No no. Forced. Reliant on what I did or didn’t do. On doing what everybody else did..

To be loved when I feel I am failing and not have anything expected of me.. Yummy. To be loved when I am enjoying my life. Yahoo.. To enjoy life in the way I choose. FREEDOM!!! To love even if it doesn’t come back and never ever have to hold it back ever. Ohh its heavenly.

Not expecting it from anyone, or craving it but knowing it deep within in a way that feels real and warm and freeing. It’s always been about doing this and not doing that. Instead of just enjoying life. Weird isn’t it. It has felt selfish for so long. I bet there are some or many who may read this and think I have totally lost the plot. But finally I am starting to allow it inside me and again that isn’t reliant on anyone else or what they think. That I am worthy of love too. I mean almost all my life I did things a certain way and didn’t do a whole lot of things too. It’s amazing to be free.. It’s exquisite to become fully me. To find what I like and what brings me joy. It is good.. I truly believe that God wants to see us this way!! All of us!!

I have started a beautiful art course by Kelly Rae Roberts called “Hello Soul Hello Mantra Mixed Media Painting Ecourse”. And its so fun. I have mostly just watched the videos and read through the material. I have most of the art supplies needed which is a relief. A few things I need to get and have to wait till pay day. I have completed some of the practice backgrounds.
I bought a package deal from Kelly Rae Roberts which was only offered for about 48 hours. Ten year anniversary deal. Oh wow it feels the whole thing is in my hands at the absolute perfect time. Everything is perfect. From speaking from soul which is so me. To just letting go and doing it without thinking and without needing it to be perfect and I need that.. It is personal, fun and delightfully freeing. I am so excited, pumped and ready to flow…

I do need to finish off my recent 30 day writing course lol so this post is another part of getting to the end of that. While I gather the last few things I need to really jump into the art course. The prompt being to write freely describing myself inside and outside, to a complete stranger. Celebrating myself honestly and unbiased. Oh the joy of living from my soul. Thank YOU LORD!!!!!!

Daily Prompt…. Day 26..

She stands back, shy. Quiet but to those who know her she is loud. Hair that is straight at the top and curls/waves underneath. Red hair because she dyes it but it can have a mind of its own. Slips away from conversations before you know it. Rarely seen in public. Home body. Loves coffee a bit too much. She may say nothing but smile. Her heart is shared openly and daily where it flows best and up till now many have not appeared to see it but that is changing. Happy with her own company. On line she lives mostly. Loves to do art and read and write. Collects things like art stuff, books and knick knacks and her room is her kingdom. A lot of her favorite things in there!! Loves birds, rainbows and sun streaming from clouds. She days dreams and can live whole afternoons in her imagination. A messy. Not overly confident but getting more so in her own way. Loves deep talks but rarely gets them so if she does talk to someone it can just pour out. Likes familiarity. Likes walking and singing. Loyal to a few. Creative spirit and deep faith but she believes in GOD with her where she is and doesn’t need props. Loves to share her truth and heart expressions. Childlike and loves simple things. Because she is introverted can appear selfish. Believes in love, light, but being honest about struggles and darkness. She will laugh too loud, but love to hard. Loves her children and kindred spirits. Romantic at heart. Awkward. Quirky. She can be very lazy and lay back. Loves inspiration. Lives mostly in the moment.. Rarely plans, wastes time without realizing it being easily distracted. A free Spirit.. Talks to God and loves His presence both in spirit and truth. Enjoys Him as He enjoys her. Not the religious way but through faith and she sees Him everywhere. Might be in a bird outside her window or a rainbow in the sky or in a smile from a stranger or in someone pausing to ask about her day or art. He is sunlight and warmth and kindness to her. Joy is her desire however it comes and always loves to experience deep soul, relies on his grace and in His out of this world peace… He is her everything. Ling life abundant her deepest desire and to share that with the world her calling.

Creative Alchemy

DAY 8 – DIG DEEPER:
Compare the person you are before you write to the person you are after creative alchemy takes place. Focus on details: how you feel physically, mentally, emotionally — before & after. Compare the pain of doing it to the pain of not doing it.

 
Before — A little tense. A huge hot coffee by my side. I usually do not have a flow till it starts. But I have a desire to get what is in me out. I usually have a good idea of what I want to write. I feel a little heavy in soul. I have a need to do something more. I usually have a huge sense of need to express myself. Need to release. Want to write. I have to be alone. Tv off. Social media off. I often pray because in myself I do not feel that I can say anything worth hearing I need Gods help and direction. I get restless. I have a need to keep going till it is done which is so unlike anything else I do. I do not care so much about the other things in life around me that need doing. Might be dishes that are stacked waiting to be washed. Clothing in the washing machine waiting to be hung out. Bed unmade. I am not in a hurry to do much of all that.
I am aware this is my thing. It is something I can do. It keeps me alive and sane and focused. I am not writing for an audience but I am hoping it is read. That is serves its purpose but I do not write and create for rewards. I basically just have to do it. I do very much enjoy it and it inspires me and I think to myself if I live the life I live and frustration about heavy things I can’t change lifts when I creatively let go. It just might be a help to someone else too to see me keep on keeping on the way I do.

I have a closeted life, I am introverted and deaf and I have faced hard loss in my life. It is like letting a dove in a cage out to be freed. Except the dove is me.

 

After —  I often praise GOD and thank Him I DID something and I got something of my heart and soul out there in the big wide world web because which is where pretty well all my writing and creativity end up. I have seen in my life small inconsequential things that appear to have had little meaning at the time become life altering later on when one looks back or finds out just what it amounted too.

So I release my writing to GOD and let it go. As it is. Simple. Just doing the work no matter what others think or what is the trend others follow. And than let what happens to it and what it means in the wider sense be whatever it will be. Just the container the words and expressions flow through. Be they worth nothing to anyone or something to someone. That is not my concern.

Via my blog or on social media. For all the that sits undone in my house I can feel a real sense of release that something is done and finished and accomplished. Spiritual is to me way more important than physical. To me it is my soul work. It is my calling and my gift to the world. It is what I think I am in this world for. I don’t put a lot of weight on the normal things everyone else sees as important. This soul work is what will remain when I am no more and Internet is so readily accessible world wide your going beyond the little borders of your own little skin suit in the world. Letting your light shine.

I am very grateful for finishing a blog post and hitting publish. There is an overriding sense to check it again. Often in a re-reading I find little mistakes I overlooked. Formatting might have stuffed up and I am not happy with it if the writing is all scrunched up. I like breaks in my writing its easier to read and digest that way. It is a rather silent joy. A little fist pump in the air that only God and I know about it. I do feel much lighter. Maybe a little apprehension putting it out in public and wondering what people will think. For the most I never really do know. So that only lasts a little while. I know if I die without acknowledgment of mankind for my creative life I did what I wanted to do. Said what I wanted to say and enjoyed it and I am free and at peace and joy fills my heart and soul.

Comforted

What part of Gods character brings the greatest sense of comfort and security to you?

His Presence. I believe He is there for a start. That is extremely comforting. No person can be there 24/7. I do not see him as a judge but a great lover. Not sexually or romantically lol or even a father figure. But rather a very very very kind and dear friend but he is also KING ha ha. So you have this great superhero as friend.. Protector. Guardian. I do not see GOD as visible but I truly wish He was sometimes. I talk to HIM rather than pray. I do see Him as peace.. Knowing HE is Spirit. So unseen but with me. I mean HE can comfort me by bringing a bird outside my window or putting a rainbow in the sky. HE can appear or help me in many ways but HE never leaves. HE is faithful and truth. HE is greater than any and every bad thing that can ever happen to me. Extremely patient. HE doesn’t see my faults because of what JESUS did. That was the kicker. Knowing that what happened on the cross was the crux of all time for all mankind.. beginning to end. Changed everything. Knowing that although the earth has much evil in it. It has all been overcome. The book is finished but right now we are only part way through the book perhaps closer to the end than we realize. It’s just playing out and definitely do not lean on my own understanding of it all because HE is GOD and I don’t have HIS view of it at all. So I cannot see the bigger picture yet. I believe one day we will go.. Ohhh ok THAT is what was happening..

Revealed in Darkness

Today’s word I’m up to in my Abbey of the Arts pilgrimage is – Monk – 

I like the fact that though I hardly see a soul during my day to day living and it’s rare I can share my heart person to person.

When I post on social media, here on my blog and on different platforms..  My heart is continuing to speak always. Across the world.. Whenever it is seen!

“The root of the word “monk” is monos, which means one or single. It isn’t so much about marital status as it is about the condition of one’s heart. When I try to live as a monk, I commit to living my life with as much integrity as possible.

—Christine Valters Paintner”

This picture.. Taken tonight outside of local Mc Donald’s of all places.. I have written..

I haven’t chosen to withdraw myself from the world. 

Rather trials have led me to a place

 that has been dark, strange, and isolating. 

Yet it is precisely at this place I’ve met God!

Not one person has really understood it. 

It hasn’t made sense even to myself.
That the light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome it.

It’s where I’ve found His presence and the glory of it has transfixed me. 
Martin Luther King Jr says ” Only in darkness can you see the stars” 
  

What brings Safety?

Where have I felt unsafe and unprotected?

This whole relying on the “Christian family church thing” which seems to be each to his or her own.
You have to be here or there. Doing this or that. Before you’re accepted.
I mean oh my gosh. Complete strangers. People on the other side of the world. People’s whose faces I’ve never seen… I’ve felt more love from. It’s so weird. It seems the struggling ones, the different ones, the gone through difficult times ones, the misfits and shunned ones connect with me the easiest and best. Despite who I am, how I live or even where I live.

Unsafe and unprotected would be that abandonment that if you believe or do different things you feel and get people’s backs. The very same people who should in fact ‘have your back’. Their disgust is evident and they shun you. You can walk through terrible trials and still be “attacked”. Seeing only your faults and thinking they are helping you but they are truly not.
Instead of just loving and respecting and supporting each other.
“Belonging” doesn’t mean everyone. Unconditional – not even possible and that’s a great feeling of abandonment.
Not seeing GOD is with you too.
Not recognising what GOD himself said. That He is doing a new thing. That anything of old has to bow to the new.
Trying not to see your point of view or hear you. You couldn’t possibly have anything to add it seems.. It’s a pushing away of you which never makes you want to return and I can’t see that they don’t understand that. How could anyone want that?

What brings safety?

It’s God Himself. Angelic sightings and supernatural signs. Its things falling into place in amazing ways despite you. It’s seeing yourself smack bang in HIM because of what Jesus Christ accomplished.
Moments of connection with strangers and love that comes and how it comes that does marvellous things to you inside.. When you help someone and they help you.

That you know a strength, a peace, a persistence inside that is not you or not possible in your own strength. You know your circumstances, you know how you feel, you know how you’ve been treated and yet you keep standing. You can still love, you don’t hate, you are incredibly patient and you won’t give up even if you really want too. It’s GOD!

You see HIM by knowing yourself. By knowing your weaknesses and fallibility. It is a trust thing but with that you are sealed. You know that you know that you know.. and nothing can rock that. HE is called the rock right… Well you become unshakable.

When nothing appears to change and things seem impossible but you are held inside by an unseen anchor.
Safety comes from the inside.
Safety comes from within.

You also read what HE says and look right through it. It’s hidden I think but when you see it oh my, oh my. Something you have searched for and craved for and will look in every place and nothing satisfies. Yet you need go nowhere.. do nothing… but accept it through JESUS.. Its yours.. it always was.. You just needed to know it. The Kingdom has come..

The Kingdom of GOD does not come with observation; nor will they say, ‘See here!’ or ‘See there!’.
For indeed, the kingdom of GOD is within you” (Luke 17:20-21)

You find more than safety despite what seems contradictions and it’s not rules, not even what the masses think it’s so much better and deeper and higher than that.

Its powerful, it’s pure, will never reject you, above human understanding, yet easily found because HE is the word.. and HE is with you and HE is everywhere and you are Spirit in flesh. And you realise that you are incredibly safe and incredibly loved and you had the power of belonging the whole time. You just didn’t know it and when we all know this together.. it will be truly heaven on earth.

Mindfulness

All of my writing today is based on a book I’m reading on Scribd called “The Artist’s Rule.. nurturing your creative soul with monastic wisdom by Christine Valters Paintner”

“Mindfulness” (Your teaching me how to live.)
Discipline of paying attention to “what is going on in the present moment,” which can give rise “to insight, awakening and love.” – Edward C. Sellner

Where do I encounter restlessness in my contemplative and creative life?

Not dwelling here enough. Feeling it’s selfish. Not seeing purpose for it. That it is an escape rather than a path to GOD and His purposes. Not seeing why or what it means..
Always seemed I’ve done this to myself rather than this actually being a calling of God.

What are the moments when you are tempted to run in the other direction instead of standing still and being fully present to the gifts and challenges of the moment?

It’s such an internal war. Solitary journey. Spiritual malady. (word came to me) I never use it.
I didn’t choose this path. I love art, expression, inspiration, writing, contemplative exercises and even my own company but I didn’t intend it for myself. The things I enjoy are suited to this place I’ve found myself. Not just because I’ve run here or tried to run from it.
The deafness, the isolation, the need to express myself even despite misunderstandings. It would be easy to be overwhelmed. Even heed others advice to do this or that.
But seeking GOD alone despite myself.
I’m still tempted to give up often.
Something greater keeps me going. Even people can’t distract me. Just makes me tunnel vision even more.
More determined. Even if I’ve no idea what it all means. Seems it’s a path I must walk. Not to be afraid of it. Speaking of it even now and here is perhaps the wisest thing.

Because like it or not this is my reality.

“Here I am God.”
“Do what you will with me.”

And go do it!!! 

 

Trusting

I’m sitting here on my bed propped up with pillows.
I cried earlier.. emotional. Time of month but also because I’ve had ongoing struggles with a teenage son.
At Psychiatrist yesterday. Missed a lot of school. Variety of things. Mental health but in this new year also physical as well. Almost all of us came down with stomach virus and pains. Son got that too and it has seemed to set him back.

Doing some art today. My art is so basic. Even the background ripped as I painted it. I leave it though because it symbolizes the difficulties that I’ve faced. My art is cut and paste.. simple. The message is about a scripture, or my interpretation of it.

I will post two art pieces I’ve done on this scripture that also speak about my faith, life and how I’ve dealt with it all.

Everything that happens to me draws me to the only source of peace I know.. the blue represents peace.. the purple my royalty (kingdom of GOD)… Scriptures say we are in a spiritual battle, but GOD with us. I focus alot on JESUS..
I have talked about being disabled here.. deaf. Hearing loss isolates from people. Life circumstances isolate.

My faith has been my strong hold.

Scripture.. art.. from working/reading through this book.. “The Artist’s Rule: Nurturing Your Creative Soul with Monastic Wisdom..by Christine Valters Paintner

“Now I am revealing new things to you
Things hidden and unknown to you
Created just now, this very moment.
Of these things you have heard nothing until now.
So that you cannot say, Oh yes, I knew this.”
Isaiah 48:6-7

Simply talks to me about NOW… but also intimacy and no distractions. Very close.. Personal. Whispered secrets.
New. I definitely feel love.. special.. privileged. Authoritative. Trust.. Presence..

I have to learn to let what I do expressive-wise speak for itself. Definitely no fear to put out art that is simple, ripped page ha ha.. My blog is not really frequented much either.. but despite all the reasons not to share this.. I still do..

Although I open this post with truth about struggles. My art expresses my spirit, my help my strength and what I learn in all this. This is the weird irony of spiritual life as opposed to physical life. That we walk by faith not sight.
God unseen but to those who believe HE is more real than anything you can see..

I mean a lot of people misunderstand me and I guess I can understand that being the kind of person people know and judge me as.
I say judge lightly because I mean perception and how I come across.. And I love this that God doesn’t judge by outward but by the heart of a person.. He looks deeper.. He is deep!

Physically I’m not stand out in any way.. My art reflects that.. But in every soul there is treasure. People look through trash and find treasure.. Not saying I’m trash but that on deeper inspection you can find so much more than you thought possible.. Which is what I try to show..

The fact that in good and bad I can speak to GOD 24/7. Yes I have to believe HE is there.. Have to believe despite troubles HE is there.. but that’s what all these troubles have done is to show me HE is.
Made me find HIM in a desperate kind of way. When people back away or that’s what it feels (even family) there has been no one else.. That’s where HE became centre stage..

It has not stopped the troubles but rather I have and continue to get through them.

I looked at this page and I think why not decorate it more.. dress it up.. But I can’t. It says what I want it to say. What it means to me. I am a very umm dis-organised person.. more so over the years. But in all this.. my focus has narrowed to JESUS alone as I keep saying.. I don’t know what it all means neither do I give in to fear. I just press on.. I seek HIM first.. I trust.

I also try to express it along the way…

I feel tired, its more than a physical tiredness but it makes me look to HIM.. and lean on HIM.. for dear life.. for strength… for peace.. for guidance… for HIS help and YES HIS promises to come to pass around me for whatever this all means..

Defining 2014 and looking ahead

I’m still going through it. 2 months to go thereabouts. But I need to set habits and feel good about that. I would love to be more organized and useful with what I have. I don’t know how to describe this year. Difficult because of isolation and problems with people. Learning to let go of people or not worry about them. Learning that I can control what I do not just simply be knocked about but see it as opportunities. Need to realize this year has been a gift. A gift to show that this is what happens when you let life just happen to you.
See people for what they are. Maybe jealous. But I don’t have to react to that. But separate myself from that and not take that on board. People are noticing my writing. I need to work on that more. I have enjoyed picking up more books. Its been good saying no but I find other people don’t like it even when they tell you you should say it. 🙂

There is a flow to the spiritual I definitely do best in that. There is joy in GODS presence definitely need to stay aware of HIM. Not be afraid. HE is with me. HE is able. HE is.. This year my word was Jubilee. I have seen it. In things that have come my way. They always have and they always do. This months word is Authority and next is Soul mate.
I’m thinking that what is coming to me so much of it I do so little to receive it so it gives me so much hope and now the choice is before me to recognize what I’ve got, run with it and use it.
GOD is my father so it is all mine, ours etc. Right now even at this very moment but it always has been and when you realize that.. there is the Jubilee.
Its the rising up and believing it. Mostly we live like paupers. We hoard. We moan. We live within our circumstances. we talk about anything but this grand life we have been given. We are not happy and realizing life is a gift to benefit from and enjoy. GOD has done it all through JESUS. Finished. Possession is not the issue. Believing it is and living from this abundance. That is faith to live not by physical but by the Spirit. How much do I have in my room right now? So many gifts and even a portal like this (internet) that takes me all over the world. My writing, my spirit, my soul, my art, my presence, my faith. LOL. Can’t get better than that.

I love that even though humanly and physically you can seem trapped, isolated and useless. Its exactly opposite in GODS realm there is no limit. I mean nothing can separate us from HIM..
Everything comes back to HIM anyway but HE doesn’t hold anything against us. At any moment we can turn it all around.
So really no matter the bad behind us or around us its always good.. Like I just replied to friend Christine on face book. It will all work together for good.. all of it.
I just thought of this verse below. Even though so much seems a waste, unused or it can seem we are left on a shelf or its totally impossible and difficult. HE will and does use it all. I think that is what makes you look at your life and where you are, how you are, what has happened and what hasn’t and realize its all still very good and HIS kingdom always rules! Cream always rises to the top.

John 6:12 “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.”

Dazzled

ROOT: 30 Day Journal Project

Day 23

Today’s Inspiration:

“You must habit yourself to the dazzle of the light and every moment of your life.”

— Walt Whitman said that

//

I am still going on this 30 days lol and its very spaced out.. Important to finish.. I am a procrastinator so finishing something is exceptionally good for me.

These have always been good prompts and no matter when I do them they have been timely.

I’m just going to jot down what I penned on this pic and maybe through-out elaborate a bit more. Only so much you can write on a single art journaling page.

Train your eye to see it. Light is from GOD. GOD is everywhere. Photo taken in Torquay Australia. 4 of my 5 children came with me just recently for a few days holiday. Torquay is on the coast of my state! My parents paid for a surfside cabin for us for two nights. It was during school break! Even though for us it’s Spring, the weather was cool and not a lot of people around. Usually the place is packed especially at holiday time. I am grateful for moments on the beach with my kids when there was no one else around.. Thankful also that it didn’t rain. It was so sweet of my parents to do this.. I couldn’t have afforded it!

Rays of sunlight coming out of the clouds. When I see these rays I see GOD.

In the photo they are not that easy to see, you do have to do as the quote above says. Train your eyes to see..

They were streaming down though and although not as bright as many I’ve seen. They were still visible and I was glad I captured them on a picture!!!

Of all places to see these rays, that I saw them while on holiday has special significance to me. Dazzling!

Icing on the cake!!

As the word says in the picture.. What makes life simple?

Rays in the sky make me look up in the natural world. They are where I am. I don’t need to do anything special to see them. Or pay money lol as so many special phenomena displayed in the world you’re so often charged to see it.

Makes me thankful. Appreciative of life and that in the ordinary moments just being out in nature, we are reminded that we are taken care of by an extraordinary GOD.

Appreciative of life, light, being in the right place at the right time.

At this moment and whenever I view such an image. I am dazzled by HIS presence seen through creation and all my worldly cares/distractions fade away from sitting heavy on my mind and heart.. You do become lighter in spirit. I can enjoy everything better..

Once you see GOD in these ways.

Suddenly you begin to see similar everywhere..

ROOT: 30 Day Journal Project Day 13

Write Recipe For Happiness _________________ and add the location of where you are right now.

If your ever going to read my blog let today be the day.

I feel dreadful. Skin feels dry and weird. It hurts to cough to deep.
I have a fever and its day 4 of feeling sick. I have slept for hours today.

Yet I have this joy/happiness radiating inside…. How can that be?

Because the source is within!
Deep medicine indeed.
I can know that I know that I know its not of me!!!! How can I not share that!

The recipe for happiness is not being well or having more things or being surrounded by people or even having someone special beside you. Its not being anywhere or achieving anything or relying on anything outward.

Its God!

Within and without!

Its possible to feel it even when your circumstances are miserable.
Believe me I haven’t been spending a lot of time doing religious things.

And that’s incredible! He is here! And that’s all that matters! I can rest and I just see everything differently. See below He is pleased to give us the kingdom.
Its not that I don’t want to be well. I do. Its just that I know how crappy my health is right now and yet in this place He is most evident! Somehow all the other stuff doesn’t matter as much..

“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom”
Luke 12:32