Tag Archives: Kingdom of God

Untitled

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I can’t think of a suitable title. So ‘Untitled’ is perfect. There are no words for how I am feeling today.
I am vulnerable and weak. Apart from a very late night pickup of teenagers at an out of town party.. Running on little sleep. I have been fasting food since Friday night or rather that was the last time I ate.
Prayer and fasting. For a very close friend. My best friend. The reasons are private but this friend has been more loyal than anyone else I know. The scripture says there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. And this friend is all that. Today I could break it but I don’t want too at least not yet. The scripture “when I weak, HE is strong”… is resonating inside me right now. I feel that power too. My stomach is growling and loudly but I feel this surge and I know it’s GOD in me and that is just a little too good to want it to end. And I NEED that. My friend needs that. Our world needs that. And I can use it.. I can use the emotion the spiritual elation. That hunger for food mirrors the emptiness of my life and the crazy life of lack that dogs me. The areas that crave connection to the point I have thought at times of not existing at all in this world. Because it has felt too much to bare. Too impossibly hard to yearn for physical connection I have missed out on and fall so short with. I know even though I am a loner, a self confessed introvert I still need soul connections. I need someone else but close and deep not shallow. Yes even I need not to be alone or not feel alone.

It reminds me of a movie I watched called ‘New Moon’ when Bella misses Edward. He suddenly removes himself from her life and she is desperate for him. Absolutely lost and desolate without his presence. But she finds out when she is in danger or testing her human limits that he appears to her and she goes out seeking similar so she can see him again.

Once before in my life I relied on religion and it was everything. Form, rules, obedience and routine to ritually act out what the bible says and what others who believed were doing too, what I believed Christianity was and what was expected of me. I would attend with my family and I was desperate when I had my own family for us to all be in the building together but my than husband was not as passionate the same as me and more often than not was not with me and it felt empty and I started to feel alone even in a crowd. We didn’t share it in life or religion the same.. Often I just went religiously with my children for a long long time desperate and hungry but you just say hello I am fine instead of tell it like it is. It was hard with 5 little children to do it without help and sometimes I was so busy with the children going in and out of the service for different needs I wasn’t gaining anything at all. I have attended a church since I was an infant in my parents arms up til maybe 4 years ago. Maybe its longer :/

The point in sharing this is. When I stopped going, when I lost that huge part of my life. My desire for God was still very much there I just wasn’t able to rely on those things anymore. I had to have GOD 24/7 not just sundays and with fanfare. I had to have HIM with me always and I knew HE was there because HE said HE was and I believed HIM. I just felt the trappings were distracting me and depressing me. Cause while I sat there all I could think of was all that I was missing and it sucked.
Due to traumas I have gone through I just couldn’t fit in a service with people’s backs to me. Unable to hear what was going on (deaf) and feeling so disconnected. It felt very fake and I couldn’t do it any longer. I was also failing miserably at keeping the show going. My performance level was zip. So much mental energy at keeping my family together that had now separated. And just found myself tossing out everything that drained me and kept only the most important things close to my heart. That was in every sense of the word. Physical, mental, people etc… If it harmed me, I lost interest, it went or eventually I weeded it out. Many people weeded themselves out lol without my help. 🙂 Perhaps it was God or it was just my way to cope. I don’t know.

Spiritually though my story feels like it was just been beginning. When you are not relying on one way anymore you adapt and do things differently. You flow into a new way, a different way and Gods Spirit became my comfort, joy, peace and strength. My everything. Art became so very important too like it was my hands on and my physical way to be a part of the process so that I wasn’t just sitting numbly I was flowing and active.

Creativity in expressing myself and how my spirit was moving and flowing. It became a main way to communicate though because a majority of people in the world do not see art/spirit the way I do I lost even more contact with people. I guess the more I slipped away from outwardly living the more important it became to me and the more people lost contact with me too. I don’t blame them for not getting me anymore. I just missed what I could have with them. What I wanted with them.. Deep soul. Getting each other and not just here and there but always having it. I don’t mean I needed to be in their faces or they in mine. But there are people you don’t see but when you do see them you just pick up again where you left off. You aren’t stressed in any way by time that has passed or anything one might call as lack. You just enjoy the here and now. Why on earth can’t I find those people???

On-line was easiest it still is. People who are heart people or spiritual people get me most. And strangely even with little contact you have depth and connectivity that is amazingly satisfying but it is a different realm. Many still do not recognize it but if you are aware or even start to be aware your eyes are opened to something pretty amazing.

I guess that is why today that weakness from no food is so powerful. Because I am diverting myself away from regular patterns and relying on being full with food and that physical energy. I am not eating and I am not thinking about food, not concentrating on my physical needs. I am tapping into my spirit/soul realm and despite the growling stomach and the need to get up and feed my body.. I am aware of a force within myself that is strong and fired up and its the me I am most in touch with and perhaps 95% do not know. God with me. In me. Helping me.. Me and HIM as one yet separate…
I mean honestly that is miraculous. It is so loud and clear to me that all is not lost. HE has not left me like so many humans have. HE is beautifully present and ridiculously crystal clear when I am not physically strong or not caught up in the ‘Do this.. Be that’… just wow.

I am better able to be aware of things normally that are quiet or even absent in myself. Like even as I am typing this my clarity of events and feelings are coming together in ways which are beyond anything I have realized before. I have read about how if you can keep on this path, push yourself out of comfort zones, push through doubts, blank pages, writers block, life block, gremlins of the art world/or one might call them demons or doubts about yourself even.. Just Being…
That tell you everything you are not and repeat to you all your failures and that paralyze you from growth and improvement and just enjoying life. You reach a place where you are literally tapping into sacred ground and into the highest power.. I suppose people might flinch and say ‘New Age’ which is a no no in Christian circles but only if you throw out the baby with the bath water. It is all God, Jesus, Holy Spirit to me yet in me. HE is the one I credit but this is the miracle that the kingdom of heaven is within. So I get to be the container of the most spiritual proportions in my own unique quality. 100% me flavored lol. The fragile vessel that HE says shows HIM up best. That there I like.. I like very very much.

You wanna see GOD. Just look inside me. ❤

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Home

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I feel most at home.. Sharing my heart unashamedly and freely. But there is a risk to it. You put yourself out there and you are opening yourself up to be criticized, judged and talked about. Ha ha either become popular or unpopular or completely misunderstood. 

Yesterday I shared my heart on a topic on-line and immediately felt the latter so that I edited it quite a few times then eventually deleted it altogether. I could see it seemed what I wrote was personally aimed but it really wasn’t. I felt I had to change it even though I’d done nothing wrong.  I realise I need to be careful. But sometimes no matter what you say or how you say it someone can take it wrong.. 

So although one needs to be wise when they open up yeah if you did stay safe you may not put anything out there at all. I wonder sometimes why there has seemed such a personal negative splash back on my sharing and simply for being myself? Many people have wished I was quiet. I give sport to others. Why I can still feel afraid saying anything? If you thought about it too much you would stop altogether.

You know what? I’m still saying it 🙂 fearlessly.. Bravely..  be it with a little trepidation. 

 You’d think by sharing your heart you are actually wanting attention but that has never been the case with me. Just how I am made and I don’t have the support system around me to talk about it so I do this instead. I write and express creatively about and from my own personal experience. Perhaps it is why it appears so acutely that others feel it to the extent they think it is about them or their lives? So maybe I should not be afraid of misunderstandings but indeed see that they are showing me there is some recognition to be found in what I write. I have always felt sorta different to most. But if someone is noticing than there must be some kind of similarity at some point. Otherwise I’d be so off base they would either think I was crazy and ignore me altogether or take no notice at all. That they do says something. Though I do not like anyone thinking I’m having a go at them because its definitely not who I am or being made fun of even if it is behind closed doors. You psyche seems to pick up vibes though and you do sense the people who could be doing it. Maybe it is a God thing too?

Home for me is my every day life, being inspired by what surrounds me and by what brings me alive and I love talking about that. Keeps me going. Like right now I want to stop because of the incident yesterday because this writing seems stupid and maybe even pointless.

Home is where my spirit is and where I can be totally myself but should I be? Why am I afraid right here and right now? Why do I want to stop writing? Nobody needs to read it? Why can’t I just enjoy this? What does it matter if someone misunderstands me? I mean it happens to us all doesn’t it? I do not go out of my way to offend anybody. I live from my heart. I don’t know why others cannot see that my heart IS NOT evil. It has almost destroyed me that people thought the worst of me. But sometimes it has been that various people have been jealous and I do not know why? Maybe that I can do this? Talk about myself, feelings, express it openly? I do not know. I am not going to stop though I never have. This is where I live, brought alive through writing, through expressing ups and downs, thoughts, feelings and joys, sadnesses. Sometimes not many notice but that is ok. I enjoy doing it anyway and if you look at my art you can see I am not a perfectionist. I drink my coffee, I get things off my chest. I do some art. I tell my truth. I share my faith. I can even share my insecurities. I have gone through very hard things and thankfully they did not stop me. I have grown here. I have faced it and I have done some healing.

Home is where my heart is and where my heart is expressed I am most happy and free. I always enjoy returning to expressive writing, prompts, arts and journaling. I return to read. Return to open up my heart. Return to share it where I do also connect with others. Return to remember who I am and what matters most. Return to express life where I am always welcome even if it’s a struggle to find the words or stay and battle it out on a page. Even when I feel restricted by things that try so hard to shut me down my every word is determination to overcome my personal demons. Home because God is here and His Spirit meets me here too, no wonder I love it here and indeed I think creativity is my run too place. If the outside world is hard, I’m lonely or feeling restricted in any way. I always have this place to return too.. For me this is Home.

Inside Story

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Feeling hard pressed on every side it feels. The last couple of days especially.. Incredible loud noises in my head/ears. Most times I can kind of just deal with it. Forget it.. But sometimes it makes its presence known and it feels intrusive and oppressive. And I am very very aware of it.

I’ve also had intense stomach cramps, premenstrual, probably close to the worst in my life for days now. Before that it was a headache for half a day. Bodily symptoms doing their best to wear me down.
My earthly mind at the very same time seems to want me to think on negative things too so to combat that I go inward and kind of close myself to it all. Meaning I dwell on GOD. His presence within well it’s everywhere but the outward pressures make me turn inward. My way to explain. I have not had the people around me to rely on or that I felt I could rely on. So my way to cope is escape all outward distractions. Except I do not meditate yogi style but center myself on God with me in my own way right where I am how I am. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit. HIM.. I don’t like to label it. Presence. Kingdom within. I don’t go to a building anymore. I see my body as containing HIM and that I am a holy place.. I am at peace looking in. I find solace.

Today’s art journalling is my way to be aware of HIM. It’s restful, it’s calming, it centers, it brings peace. It’s expressive, meaningful and it’s my way of acknowledging HIM. Or channeling HIM.. I know that is ‘New Age” kind of talk. But this is exactly what we as believers in GOD are.. the old has passed away the new has come.. It’s just what we associate with using that terminology.  People tend to switch off to you if your not the ‘same’ as everyone else but when you are free indeed things take on a different meaning..

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36

Feet without shoes represents to me HOLY as I am.

Tree change.. Goes back to the beginning. Eden. All has been reset.

When you get frustrated about relationships, health, world issues, family issues, people, where you fit, how you fit with others.. I think to what JESUS has already done. Hitting restore. He was the only one perfect enough to make the interchange using a body. To live when he lived, and die as HE died. HE said… “It is Finished” as he breathed his last as a human container to GOD. It was not the end of the story though or was it? What HE did than makes all the difference to me now when I realize it. Only if I know what it was HE did. HE righted all wrong. Restoration right back to the original tree of life.

HE was the change though HE is changeless. Even the very nature of who HE is tells you all would be made right that is wrong.
I get so pulled this way and that when I think of having to change. I can’t change. I am who I am and I do not believe I need to change and when I know HIS life is in me I know all is well. It is my purpose only to know who I am.. HE has saved every part that has failed and fallen and could ever fall short. Through HIM. I am born of HIM. HIS creation. HIS perfection because anything done in the body HE made right in HIS body on the cross. When HE died I died. Now I live the perfect life because of HIM. Life is to be lived wholeheartedly.

HIS kingdom is here now. Heart living. It is beautiful. Freeing. Remember how HE said..

Seek first HIS kingdom.. and HIS righteousness.. and all these things shall be added to you..  Matthew 6:33 ( all these things are earthly cares we worry about…all will work out.. )

I am at home in this body nevertheless. And no matter how much of an outcast I feel. I belong. Because of HIM not me. Not anything to do with me. That makes it easy. It is beautiful. Beautiful indeed.

 

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What brings Safety?

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Where have I felt unsafe and unprotected?

This whole relying on the “Christian family church thing” which seems to be each to his or her own.
You have to be here or there. Doing this or that. Before you’re accepted.
I mean oh my gosh. Complete strangers. People on the other side of the world. People’s whose faces I’ve never seen… I’ve felt more love from. It’s so weird. It seems the struggling ones, the different ones, the gone through difficult times ones, the misfits and shunned ones connect with me the easiest and best. Despite who I am, how I live or even where I live.

Unsafe and unprotected would be that abandonment that if you believe or do different things you feel and get people’s backs. The very same people who should in fact ‘have your back’. Their disgust is evident and they shun you. You can walk through terrible trials and still be “attacked”. Seeing only your faults and thinking they are helping you but they are truly not.
Instead of just loving and respecting and supporting each other.
“Belonging” doesn’t mean everyone. Unconditional – not even possible and that’s a great feeling of abandonment.
Not seeing GOD is with you too.
Not recognising what GOD himself said. That He is doing a new thing. That anything of old has to bow to the new.
Trying not to see your point of view or hear you. You couldn’t possibly have anything to add it seems.. It’s a pushing away of you which never makes you want to return and I can’t see that they don’t understand that. How could anyone want that?

What brings safety?

It’s God Himself. Angelic sightings and supernatural signs. Its things falling into place in amazing ways despite you. It’s seeing yourself smack bang in HIM because of what Jesus Christ accomplished.
Moments of connection with strangers and love that comes and how it comes that does marvellous things to you inside.. When you help someone and they help you.

That you know a strength, a peace, a persistence inside that is not you or not possible in your own strength. You know your circumstances, you know how you feel, you know how you’ve been treated and yet you keep standing. You can still love, you don’t hate, you are incredibly patient and you won’t give up even if you really want too. It’s GOD!

You see HIM by knowing yourself. By knowing your weaknesses and fallibility. It is a trust thing but with that you are sealed. You know that you know that you know.. and nothing can rock that. HE is called the rock right… Well you become unshakable.

When nothing appears to change and things seem impossible but you are held inside by an unseen anchor.
Safety comes from the inside.
Safety comes from within.

You also read what HE says and look right through it. It’s hidden I think but when you see it oh my, oh my. Something you have searched for and craved for and will look in every place and nothing satisfies. Yet you need go nowhere.. do nothing… but accept it through JESUS.. Its yours.. it always was.. You just needed to know it. The Kingdom has come..

The Kingdom of GOD does not come with observation; nor will they say, ‘See here!’ or ‘See there!’.
For indeed, the kingdom of GOD is within you” (Luke 17:20-21)

You find more than safety despite what seems contradictions and it’s not rules, not even what the masses think it’s so much better and deeper and higher than that.

Its powerful, it’s pure, will never reject you, above human understanding, yet easily found because HE is the word.. and HE is with you and HE is everywhere and you are Spirit in flesh. And you realise that you are incredibly safe and incredibly loved and you had the power of belonging the whole time. You just didn’t know it and when we all know this together.. it will be truly heaven on earth.

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A Glimpse

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There is simply not anything in the earthly language that could possibly explain the richness and beauty of what I am experiencing right now.. a forward vision of what is to come… Of an exquisitely set table that looks like it never ends.. Jesus Christ is standing in my view… His eyes pierce my soul.. but not a word has passed between us and yet He know the victory of this moment and our eyes meet and lock onto each other.. Across from me sits the very one I gave up half my human life for..
Looking very different to the human who once walked the earth for here they are pure and whole.
In an earthly split second as Jesus eye pierces my soul my whole life flashes before my eyes in particular the journey I went through with this same person.. The joys and sorrows. The beginning to the end of every earthly moment we shared. The moments I lay prostrate on the floor my face buried in the carpet with tears and snot mingled with the fibres… Crying and praying for this very one. Jesus smiles and so do I.. The swell within my chest is akin to a stadium going off at the end of a grand final the kind that keeps the crowd sweating and groaning and fidgeting on their seats..
I know now that every tear.. every prayer.. every pain… every ache and every sigh.. was worth it for this moment.. the joy etched on the face of my loved one and the smiling faces of every member of our blood family celebrating side by side. Knowing we all have eternity to share. That all that has gone past is nothing compared to the joy exceeding of living forever together with The Lord and all His children.
If I was to turn away and I believe for a long time I would have wanted too. I would see the Devil fuming, jumping up and down and cursing.. He lost, his every arrow sent to destroy us only broke me and poured forth holy oil that flowed over and drenched the lot of us.. I look away to my right and left.. seeing relatives down through the ages for as long as time existed stretching as far as the eye can see.. And again my chest swells with thankfulness and joy bubbles out.. Together many many souls have prayed and believed and trusted God for us too.. What an honour has been given the children of men to be His light where once darkness reigned.
Glory to God in the Highest… Peace on earth and goodwill to ALL men, women and children who still walk the earth, being born and dying till the age of man finishes..

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What are you proud of? Blog about your biggest accomplishment.

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Wow it would have to be.. Knowing and learning about GOD.. Proud I know HIM.. but its more than that.. Its knowing HIM more and more since first knowing HIM.. and realising there is SO much more to come.. Like being on a roller coaster that keeps going.. the fun never stops.. I suppose it’s realising in the dull moments that the fun never has to stop.. You can find out you are switched off to it.. and yet its still there.. I am proud of knowing HE’s always there… I am always a part of HIM.. This is my purpose in life.. To be a part of GOD.. and come into all that this means even now..

I look back and wow.. I didn’t know then… what I know now.. It’s a growing, learning process..

Now when I say I am proud of knowing.. It’s just really that I’m glad I know HIM… I mean HE first knew me..

Scripture says.. Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.. Jeremiah 1:5

It’s coming into that.. being aware.. especially living it and knowing its far more real than anything else.. So much more to it then what you learn as you go through because you keep learning it and the learning doesn’t stop.. HE is much bigger than all that man knows..

Anything negative you can laugh at.. because that’s not HIM and it is so small compared to HIM.. HE is good.. really really good.. and all the good things are HIM.. and you can have them too.. lol.. it’s just not what mankind thinks about HIM.. I mean people get so afraid of prosperity.. LOL.. it’s just a small part of it..

I mean when you see the mountain looming before you, are you going to be looking at the little flowers all about you?? You are aware of them.. and maybe before you saw the mountain you took pictures close up.. and you marvelled at them and wondered at their colours and variety.. But when you saw the mountain.. it took your breath away and drew your full attention.
You wanted to climb it.. to paint it.. to photograph it.. to keep looking at it.. its grand size made you forget all about the flowers.. and focus on the bigger.. huge.. magnificent grandeur..

I think you get the picture.. prosperity is good.. and it does certainly make life easier but HE made all that too.. and although you can enjoy it and its good when you have more.. HE is bigger and when you glimpse how amazing HE is.. prosperity kind of fades in comparison… You are enamoured by the size.. the wonder.. the glory of HIM.. not the mere things HE can do..

Nothing else compares..

Yes I have gotten annoyed too by people who made it all about “GOD” in the past.. I mean HE is all that they talked about.. but that is because I didn’t know how they are feeling and how much HE had done for them.. Sure its true many can speak about HIM and not actually know HIM.. but its the ones that kind of glow when they talk and write about HIM in ways that either annoy the heck out of you or your hungry for more.. The ones that keep the glow that you cannot deny something is going on.. they have un-tappable joy… that make you wonder… And no matter what they go through it’s all about HIM. That some how they reached some kind of plateau you missed.. They have found some kind of mystery…

You never think to ask why or see that its good…. why is that? We get envious or angry or try to explain it away or give a good reason why its harder for us…

Proud might not be the right word when summing up how I feel about this journey.. but that is the question that I was asked in my study book… so it stays as the theme I am writing about right now.

I’m certainly happy I know HIM.. It’s a happiness… joy… that comes on me.. even just when I think on HIM.. it wells up and I can find myself laughing.. Love that..

There is a scripture that says.. In HIS presence is joy.. Psalm 16:11

When I used to read that.. I’m like.. yes of course.. but when you think about it.. GOD says I am with you always.. then why are so few experiencing that joy?

That’s what I am proud of.. that I now know that joy.. I have it.. I’m proud of that.. so many say.. they cannot see GOD.. well look at me.. hee hee.. see the joy.. that’s HIS presence.. its real.. and its something we can have.. right now.. no matter what our circumstances are..

See if you look only at the flowers.. you might miss the mountain.. but if you see the flowers growing on the mountain side.. you are seeing the bigger picture.. and able to enjoy it all at the same time..

This is it.. the scripture says.. the Kingdom of GOD is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost. Romans 14:17

So this is what I am excited about.. the fact that I am experiencing what GOD says is HIS realm, HIS kingdom.. the joy.. I have been shown and am learning what righteousness is.. and I have experienced HIS peace.. oh how I love that.. so I am assured and happy that I have been experiencing the Kingdom of GOD and because this goes on after life on earth what could be a bigger accomplishment than this!!!!

It Will Work Out

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Don’t know what is breaking into my realm but something is!!

I’m tired of this struggling I want to bloom and I’m going too!!!!! But I’ve been missing it for some reason.

Let me explain….

I’ve learned a lot about JESUS lately.. and yes for me it always gets back to HIM.. HE says HE came to give life and not just life but life in the full.. HE says HE is the way to GOD, is the truth and says HE is the life..

HE says HE is with me and through HIM all is brought to completion so why am I experiencing much less right now?

Either it is all lies or I am not experiencing it because I am not living aware of what I already have!!

Right now there have been many things to say different; ill health keeping us from living life in the full.. I have a daughter recovering from Emergency Surgery over the weekend… a teenage son at home.. with a myriad of problems that means he has had a lot of time off from school and we still don’t know what is wrong.. My own health I have had some niggly concerns that could amount to something serious.. No money and little food.. And its enough to make you feel depressed or mad.. thinking about all that..

BUT… if I focus on GOD and what HE says.. HE is with me and He promises there is so much more to experience if Spirit is where I live from. Spirit and flesh are totally different. But amazingly Spirit is greater and is not limited!!!! God is SPIRIT.

I must have a different sense about it all and see that I have the answer within me.. Surely it will work out.. and there is no need for alarm.. even just shifting my thought this way I start to feel better.. at peace.. Even though nothing appears different around me there’s a sense I am onto something that will change everything no matter how it is now.

This post is trying to say what is coming to me…what is on my mind…

Its a different mind set that focuses on an unseen GOD; how can I explain.. Hmm.. see pic… an outline of me.. and my family (bottom of picture) and maybe that outline includes some challenges within in it… but by using my spirit…. my thoughts can be focused not on the things inside the outlined picture of me and family and problems within.. But on all that lies outside my realm and the good promises GOD says even if I cannot see them with human eyes.. My mind is on GOD who is everywhere… Even with me and my family (within the outline) and also everywhere without..

And if GOD is as HE says… things WILL change..

I have been posting prayer requests for days.. sharing with family.. friends etc.. praying over myself and family.. but the problems seem to stay even though I have strong faith..

With a different mind set.. I am seeing that all is covered and I am able to focus on good instead… Not praying and praying and praying and not worrying, worrying, worrying.. but resting.. trusting.. looking to GOD… Putting my faith in HIM ~ not faith in my prayers.. not my faith in other people or faith in what is happening in my world..

For HE (GOD) is with me.. HE is enough.. HE is what I am focusing on.. HE is wisdom, HE is perfection, HE is healing, HE is all sufficient, HE is with me.. HE has promised many things..

and says..

Colossians 2:10
And so you also are complete through your union with Christ…

Complete means nothing lacking.. Psalm 23 also says.. The LORD is my shepherd.. I lack nothing..

This mind set… this way of looking at HIM.. is simple.. and again I see and am comforted that everything else will work out..

Matthew 6:33 says… But seek first HIS kingdom and righteousness… and all these things shall be added to you..

Its not denying whats going on and the lacks/needs but focusing instead on the supplier..

Philippians 4:19
And my GOD will meet all your needs according to the riches of HIS glory in Christ JESUS..