How to be safe again with unsafe people? Thoughts going around inside my head. So much of what I have suffered, I have had to deal with alone and have had only God to hear me out and little other support.
There is a verse in the bible that says. “Guard your heart for out of it come the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23
Its very wise and helps me but when do you let down your guard when your supposed to love people? Like love that is un-human.. Least I have not found too many who love like that I have personally known.
The kind God and Gods people talk about? The kind that makes you shrink in your shoes because you cannot do it like THEY do it.. And you feel so much lack in your heart because you can’t the same.. You want too.. You desperately want too.. But you try and fail.. Try and fail.. Try and fail.. And you cannot be yourself in their face.
Also when I was suffering the affects of abuse.. I heard in my spirit. Do not throw your pearls in front of swine. Matthew 7:6
Abuse. There is no easy way to talk about it. Sigh. I dread it. Because most people do not want to know or do not want to talk about it or as Christians say. Turn the other cheek and forgive forgive forgive.
But that kind of talk almost destroyed me. It takes a strong person and a persistent person to love a damaged heart to help a damaged heart feel loved and worthy. Yes via GOD there is a whole other world. A way to love unconditionally and beautifully and you can leap hurdles in a single bound.. Because HE loves you like that.. And gives you HIMSELF and pours love into you.. I know all this.. Because it is what keeps me going.. Keeps me alive.. But I am also flesh and blood and that is from where I speak today.. Sweat and tears.. Lots of tears.
All the religious talk falls ohhhh so short I am sorry but it does. It has failed.. Religion has failed me. Religious people have failed me.
I can only be honest. It takes a world of prayer and tears and asking GOD for miracles to love and be healed like I need.. I still feel and live the affects of abuse.. By family and others.. I won’t name I don’t wish to talk about them… I let that go.. It’s not about the abuse anymore its about how it has affected me and how I deal with it.. Although there are times of recent the actions of certain people bring it up again.. And you cannot go through life untarnished.. We have minds that bring to memory hard times and things said and ways we are treated and unfortunately you live its affects like it or not. You cannot just walk in fields skipping along as if you live in Disney land.. Thats not real life. Our hearts bleed… and eyes cry tears.. We remember and we live in bodies that are affected by the way we are treated.
Ohh how the tears have dripped down my face and into my pillow and sheets night after night for the way my heart has been damaged and hurt.. How I have suffered. Cried myself to sleep too many times to count. Yet I prayed.. I forgave.. I got up the next day. Some have thought depression but I find joy inside me too. I don’t discredit depression but I think more I feel. I am a feeling person.. A heart that cries and laughs.. And when hard things happen a lot its hurt so yeah I cry.
I don’t always cry. But there have been periods of time I cried every night and that is the truth.
Because of what has happened to me its changed me. Its not so easy to trust people now. Trust is one word God often says to me. Trust me HE says.. So instead of focus on things that were too hard I just look to HIM and it really does help.. And HE sends peace and strength.. But I cannot just so easily keep putting my heart out in places and with people that I do not feel safe with. But I also need to continue sharing because that is how I was created. I need to do it.
I think the hardest thing has been the abuse itself. Because it happened over a period of time and even though that is in the past now it screwed with my head. When any person treats me in a way that I feel unsafe about or refuses to let my heart be itself I back away because they are sending mixed messages. When I say heart be itself. I mean where it feels fake and not consistent. Real I want real even if the person says hard things but in saying that if they are inconsistent I cannot deal with it. If the person says hard things than back away or targets me or I feel backed into a corner I am going to react and not in the right way. You know if someone loves you through thick and thin. You know if your valued for who you are. I guess that is what I want more than anything. Loyalty. Honesty. Acceptance. To be myself freely.
You know when my former husband said he fell out of love. I could deal with it because he was being honest. It hurt yes but he was gentle and I don’t believe he meant to say it to hurt me but because that is how he felt. I can respect that. I can respect a person telling the truth in gentleness. But when a person is saying one thing one place and doing another thing in another place. Its confusing. I found peace with my former husband so I found safety again in a place that for awhile became unsafe for me. We kind of navigated through in a way that both of us found our peace.. That is what I want with every person.
I can cope with differences.. I can respect you or anyone if you respect me too.. I guess I am answering myself. How to get to that place? It takes time. Honestly. Even hard honesty. But it takes time and being patient. Yes guarding oneself and perhaps opening up a little more as time progresses.. And also especially talking about it like this. ❤
All deserve to be fully themselves, to be respected but also respect others, to live in safety, to be loved despite faults or differences. Treated the same.. And to be believed.. ❤