This blog post.. is a need and desire and want.. my heart cry.. My rant.. my sharing my heart.. my being honest..
I added the song.. via you tube.. “I want your sex” to simply explain that even though I am believer in GOD.. I am human and have needs and wants.. and that song actually inspired this writing.. I know Christians have all sorts of moral codes and ways to temper down.. the inbuilt sex drive… all of us have.. but underneath it all we are all the same.. and GOD does help us.. lol.. to cope.. but we are still human.. We need to be raw and honest and open with each other about our struggles, wants and needs.. and yes its not all about sex… lol.. but Im a woman hear me roar.. 🙂 the song title and lyrics just echo a need in me to be honest.. transparent.. and yes I do want sex again..
I am divorced, 43 and finding single life difficult.. I miss being with a man. The intimacy.. the heart sharing.. sex lol.. but just mostly sharing my life with someone.. not being alone..
Its been too long.. I separated from my husband in 2009.. Divorced 2 years.. we had problems communicating.. up/down relationship but had a good sex life..
I had no idea women my age still had a high libido.. sigh.. Of course I want more than sex.. but I am still human.. and because as a believer in GOD.. I link sex with marriage.. well without a husband.. its difficult.. and because I don’t see much hope that it will happen any time soon.. I do have my struggles with that..
I want love.. intimacy.. to talk about anything.. romance.. someone to love back.. to enjoy life with.. to hold and make love too.. to be by my side.. to laugh and cry with.. to be myself with.. to be all that they need and desire too.. I know its not just about me.. but I am talking from my heart here.. so I don’t mean it to be one sided..
My heart has desired a close, happy relationship for a very long time.. It has been my heart cry for many many years.. It is difficult to go through a marriage break up.. divorce and then have to face single life at 43 when I was married 18 years.. I have been with my ex since teen years..
I have, thank the LORD developed a very close relationship with GOD.. JESUS through all this.. learned to cry out to HIM.. and I now keep a written diary on my iPad.. where I can pour out my heart.. say anything I feel and its created a strong desire for GOD and pouring out my heart to HIM that I never have had with another human soul.. I can see benefits to my struggles..
I literally have prayed for a happy marriage for almost half my life.. so its a difficult thing to have hope for the future.. to wait.. ohhh how I hate that word.. to want and to face seeing happy couples and families all united together.. It makes the urges seem harder to bear.. the hurt magnified.. and yes in writing this.. we face the fact that somehow our longings are wrong.. lustful.. or sinful.. to talk about it.. to write it down.. no no no..
So I will be honest in this writing.. That there are things I want and dream of.. but I also look to GOD and trust in HIM.. I have to believe that HE can bring good out of this.. and I truly cannot imagine what that might be.. I say this because I hung on to my faith for restoration a long time.. praying.. crying.. hoping.. dreaming for my marriage to be restored but it wasn’t.. so it is humanly hard to put my faith in anything.. or anyone.. except simply give this all to GOD like a big bundle.. and say.. This is my hopes and dreams.. I cannot make it work.. LORD I give this all to YOU.. and I just ask that YOU who know me.. and know my heart and needs.. bring forth the good future.. and hope you have promised in YOUR word.. for me amen..
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Being disabled.. almost deaf.. and sharing a house with my parents and kids.. I feel like finding love is rather a long stretch.. almost impossible.. so it makes the longing almost unbearable at times.. I need continually to look to GOD who I still stubbornly believe.. I know some might give up.. I have strong faith.. but its in GOD.. not myself.. not my future.. or on any outcome.. I have faith in GOD..
Look HE has wonderfully taken me through.. all the yukky stuff.. we lost a baby boy too.. and HE has my tears in heaven.. Rivers of them..
You have taken account of my wanderings;
Put my tears in Your bottle
Are they not in Your book? (NASB)
This is my life verse now.. I really do find love, strength, grace, comfort, contentment, intimacy, joy in the LORD… HE is more than any human could be.. there for me 24/7 but HE knows my hearts desires more than anyone..
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4