This art journal page came together really quickly. It explains about my life right now. My Spirit and journey.
Just been a really difficult and testing couple of days. I’ve often spoken here about being isolated with hearing loss and life in general.. People around me see that differently and I guess try to help. Unfortunately the latest help has only seemed to isolate me further. Now I am a bit of a loner, introvert etc.. so I know I could do some things differently. But part of it has always been my journey. Spiritually speaking it has caused me to seek GOD more and really brought about my full focus and attention on HIM .. I don’t see that as a bad thing. In fact it’s shown me things that I could never have seen without this journey. I know GOD in ways I could not have known otherwise. But it does mean that I am mis-understood and appear very out there..
I’ve always since childhood had at least one very close friend. Of recent time I’ve had the pleasure of two very close friends. But in the last few days both those friendships surely have been testing grounds for me. I don’t want to say it was all wrong on any side. I know two sides to every story but from my side it was almost unbearable.
But one of things in this journey I’ve gone through is that sometimes I can’t explain things very well. I do see that being alone a lot does make me anti-social. Where friends are constantly getting feedback and learning to move and speak around others. I have not had that experience and therefore its true I am awkward and out of the loop and struggle.
Heavenly things especially are very hard to explain. There is such a wide variety of opinions even in Christian circles. It can be easy to retreat when your not like everyone else but although physically I often retreat spiritually I am growing in leaps and bounds every day and that makes me want to share the wonder of it all.
I have spent almost all my life in a church. 40 years or so every week faithfully and I was hard pressed to be excited and share my faith openly for half of it at least. But now I love it more and more and more. Everything has to be about HIM.. lol..
God says there is a peace HE gives that is otherworldly and is in fact in HIS words (bible) un-explainable. I remember going through the loss of a child and feeling incredible peace and people couldn’t believe it.. they tried to explain it away as shock or that I was stunted in my emotions or something.. Someone even tried to say to me when I was happy not sad..” but Jesus wept??”.
Believe me I weep.. plenty of times I weep. But I felt such peace at that time from GOD I couldn’t cry. And I felt joy and others cried my tears. It changed my life. I wonder sometimes that we believer’s get so surprised at the way people are when we are praying for them to get through. Surely if they do things that don’t seem normal we can think GOD is at work even if I don’t understand what I’m seeing and hearing. We should be expecting supernatural answers!! How great is the GOD we pray too after all!
I tried and tried to tell people what I was feeling but few believed the depth of it. How could they understand something like this; if I who had experienced it was struggling to explain it. It’s just happiness and peace yet seemed so un-natural when I was experiencing loss and trauma. Heavenly things can be a burden too in that we live in this world and yet we are not of this world and we are conditioned to see the natural. I bet we do still miss so much and we try to dismiss things and explain away things we cannot understand instead of see them in a new light.. we do need our spiritual eyes hearts to be opened to see and believe.
My journey in this isolation is like that. Its very very real to me and although it might seem my fault in ways too it certainly has its greater purposes and GOD wastes no mans life whatever seems evil HE can work for good.. GOD is in this with me I don’t have to be afraid. When it seems all you have is GOD that’s not the worst thing in the world is it!!
When suddenly the two closest people to me are at odds with me and even getting together to talk about it. Oh my… oh my..
It is possible of course GOD has shown them things or ways to help me but the way it was coming across only made it all so much worse for me.. But I love that it has got me writing so much and personally so and doing art too. When I shut down and have nothing to say than you should be worried..
So although lately it has seemed so pointed and hard to bear. Like suddenly there is no one close to me who is helping me through. Which could mean a massive danger light couldn’t it. That instead of my world opening up more it has closed down almost completely. There are different ways to seeing this.
I just so want to be supported and loved and to be believed and cherished.. But in every hard time I have found JESUS does not ever leave and I can lean fully on HIM.. And HE uses everything… even this..
A big possibility is that the friend\s I’m sharing about who I still call a friend, reads this. I hope like my ex husband used to sometimes say when it was hard for us and I couldn’t cope with him nor him with me. That God will use this for his greater purpose in your life and it wont turn my friend off me completely. 🙂
This image below tells my story. If you click on it it opens larger and can see more detail.
Darkness intermingled with gold in the background indicating that although there is darkness I trust GOD for HIM to work it out for good and I do prefer to see the good happening despite the bad. The Light streaming down is the beautiful ways I see Him in nature through the clouds and sun rays and HIS beautiful creation around me including seeing HIM in timely encouragement and unexpected kindness through people.
Every good and perfect gift is from above… coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17
It might not show up but the picture is of a high place, mountain top, rock… A solitary person is sitting there admiring the beauty of a sunrise or sunset.. For me it hasn’t been people or being in a church building or sitting and hearing wise teachers who counsel me and teach me as my main source it has been the HOLY SPIRIT. And not once a week or here and there but with me wherever I am.
I’m simple in my expression but I hope it shows my heart always and a depth that I cannot explain. And I want to give HIM glory and anything good that results from my journey I know to give HIM glory because I well know my foibles.
I am encouraged that even though my faults are easily seen and very obvious that I still have this overwhelming urge to keep sharing things openly and I have been called transparent in times past. I need to keep my head up and heart strong.
There is a uniqueness in my journey as is every single person’s individual story.
I was told by a friend that I was on a whole different wave length and very hard to communicate with. Knocked the wind out of me for a bit. I mean I have struggled in the past to see results. Many long standing prayers seem unanswered and say otherwise to my path and faith. This has all been very difficult, very personal and almost shut me down. I mean if deafness isn’t hard enough. Than this could easily indicate I’m failing big time.
The fact that my online presence is apparently driving people away almost means I have no way to express myself. Almost except… that I have not given up. I’m still here.. I have not stopped despite fewer and fewer in my physical cheer squad.
The strange irony is online I have met many many friends. Beautiful, encouraging, loving and faithful people from all walks of life..
The sheer number of them over the years from all over the world is overwhelming.. on my birthday just recently my face book was flooded by messages and love from the most amazing souls on this planet..
Jesus has not left either. EVER.
So understand me that even though I am and feel isolated a lot.. spiritually I am strong.. I am loved and I am impacting the world and its said I inspire others.. I know I do have a presence in this world!!
Yet over the last few days I mean if those closest to me are right. Nothing much I’m doing now is making any difference and in fact I’m pushing people away which would be downright the very opposite of what I hope and desire and pray for..
Which way should I see it??
I love that they are my friends.. I love that they care…. that they have been such a big help to me.. Helped me get where I am.. But within me I don’t know there is this life force inside that says look forward. Don’t stop. Keep going.
I have also thought to myself as I struggled with it of late. That this struggle and this communication problem and this isolation also makes me stand out more and more and almost like a steel enters my soul this downright stubborn strength that won’t give up.
If I’m so very very different than possibly that does work in my favour. Plus every so often GOD sends me a person ( I met someone new yesterday )which so uplifts my heart that there is no way GOD is not involved. That they can be there and say the things they do at such a time is extraordinary. Oh my does my heart sing and beat faster at these times!!
I’m told not to be afraid. That when I am weak HE is strong. Keep going. Keep believing and so forth.
So here I am.
I will end this with a scripture that encourages me when I can’t be sure why things all seem so anti me. Something greater than me keeps me going.. This is my testimony.. through child loss, divorce, deafness and isolation.. and even being less and less and less appealing to people around me at times.
Please swap the words in the scripture below to ‘these men’ for my name.. block quoted.
The higher authorites in Old Testament times were trying to stop these men speaking out the name of JESUS.. They’d killed Jesus and did not want to be reminded about Him and his folllowers.. it was pure hate.
Angels would come along and rescue them from prison. They got beat up but they kept speaking. Almost killed and many were. They seemed the enemies and something to loathe and destroy yet they could not be stopped because their calling was from on high. So where one is shut down another appeared and what was often mis-understood is in fact the very beginning of the church which is the corporate body of believers world wide we all belong too.
Irony is despite persecution over the years the believers of GOD have only ever kept growing in numbers..
“But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against GOD!” Acts 5:39