Tag Archives: Faith

A poem I wrote – Infant loss

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I am currently doing a free 6 week course at Future Learn called Literature and Mental Health via the University of Warwick. Current topic is “Speaking words we can’t find”. Asked to share – Are there any pieces of literature – old or modern, prose or poetry – that speak to you in the way that Katherine Philips’ poem speaks to Paula?

We have  been studying a poem by Katherine Phillips she wrote on the loss of a little baby boy which remarkably was written in the 1600’s.

I have also lost an infant baby boy. So this study is very very close to my heart. I was given a miracle of peace by God when I lost our baby infant back in 1997 which changed my whole life. For some strange reason I was easily able to talk about it too at the time but very few around me were available to me to listen to the extent I needed. So one day I got out my electric typewriter and decided to write about everything. I guess I just imagined I could do that all in one sitting. lol it isn’t possible of course. I eventually wrote 29 chapters.

But it is wonderful the very first thing I wrote was a poem. It was just a small piece of writing to lead into the actual main piece of writing which was the first chapter and so on. It was a miracle I wrote at all because I had three other little children to raise at the time I started and it came remarkably easy and I had never written a book before or since. I will add the link to this blog post to the university comment section to share it with others there but also because it was straight from a grieving mothers heart and I just see that it helped me to get it out, to see it in written form and others have been helped by it too. I have not edited it, it is the exact same form I wrote it. The very first thing I wrote before I typed up what is now the entire story. It doesn’t even have a title it was just the leading paragraph at the very start. To introduce the story. Again it is a miracle also this poem began it all because at that time I HAD never written poetry before either.

I have even kept it in the form first written. because as I have been learning in the course, the written form is also part of how we express our emotions etc.. It is religious in nature because my faith was exactly what was helping me through. All based on a miracle of peace from God through this terrible period when our baby son Tyler was born, became very ill when he was only a few days old and died at 8 weeks old from a heart/lung abnormality.

See in the address up top of this blog.. eternalpeacechild. It is all linked to what I experienced through this loss. My online name is peacechild4.

I have not ever published the book.. I did share the chapters on face book and with family and friends in written form and on a few websites but not as book form or even ebook form. Poem in bold so you know what is the actual poem..

 

I wrote this poem, a mother coming to terms with the death of my child.
I have seen much that I have had no control over. I have suffered the weight of feelings I can’t escape.

What I experienced alongside my child has survived.
So precious that I had to write this down.
Although nothing can take away what has happened.
I know throughout his life there was meaning.

If my son received the inner peace throughout that I have been given through my faith in Jesus Christ.
Then all that I saw, all that my child went through, that has produced my lack of fear to write, brings hope.

I have the calming reason to believe, that from my experience of peace. I am given assurance of how much more Tyler deserved it, and how a loving God would give all the more to him.

In my impression of Tyler’s story I endeavor to share how he received what I now hold onto.

Tyler’s Story never ends.
It just begun in a different place.



What if I’m actually on the scenic route toward my dream right now?

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project
Day 8
SHORTCUTS
“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.”
— Beverly Sills
Today’s Journal Prompt:

What if I’m actually on the scenic route toward my dream right now?

Oh dear it all points to IT COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE it. Just now I had written out a whole piece of writing and was just editing it and my computer froze and I lost it all. I really do want to give up at this very moment. Everything in my body aches right now too and I don’t know why. I feel like a huge pile of crap.

I stopped dreaming a long time ago that my life could get better. It is blind faith alone right now that directs any path I am on. I do not go out much, see many people or have much hope of things changing. I rely on the scripture that says. When I am weak God is strong. Because believe me right now I am weak. And I am going to hit save every so often lol so I do not lose it all again because if this goes I don’t have it in me to do it a third time. I really don’t.
By grace in GOD almighty alone could I be on a path that goes anywhere. I do remember the gist of my writing and was explaining what encourages me on my dream less path. I have to trust in God for a dream as well. I day dream, that I can still do. It isn’t about things I could possibly imagine happening it is usually dreams that are escape type dreams from my normal unchanging life. I am someone else in my dreams and I can make them and myself whatever I want.
I have to believe blindly that I am indeed on the scenic route even if I see the same old same old. I have to believe there is even a dream for me to dream and a dream to be full-filled.
I just stubbornly look to God. Trust HIM. Completely and utterly trust HIM. This is how and why I do it.
I have a plaque on my wall that my former husband gave me. It says.

In all thy ways acknowledge HIM and he shall direct thy path. Proverbs 3:6.

Now these words encourage me when I am aware of them.
The story like much of my life is strange. My husband and I are divorced. He now calls himself an atheist. For much of our marriage I prayed for him to know God, many prayers I cried out with tears because it was something I wanted with every part of me and I sought God as earnestly as I could for a very long long long time.. Ha ha he went completely the opposite way. Yes this could be defeatist I suppose but that is where my faith ends and the faith GOD has given me begins.
I am stubborn and I had to move past human type faith because quite literally it has failed me and people’s faith failed me too. I need mountain moving faith now. Because it seems hopeless yeah!! I failed yeah. But there are those words given to me by a man who now doesn’t believe in God yet he has given me the very words that so encourage my heart and it’s this kind of miraculous faith that so far has not waned. It seems to booster my eyes and heart ever upward and inward to Gods Spirit which I KNOW is with me. And obviously this scripture does not encourage me because it appears to have worked physically yet.. but that I believe in these words to the utmost edges of eternity and back. I do not think eternity has edges though.. 🙂
The thing is if you take these words to heart, if you believe in them to the uttermost. It is not about where I go, how far I go, how wide I go, how I go, who goes with me etc.. It says I WILL be directed on my path if I simply acknowledge God in all my ways. THIS I surely have done over and over.. THIS is not beyond me in fact it is easy to do.. And I do so trust HIM completely and will do to my human death.. It is child like faith yes and as the bible says even a small sized faith ( like a mustard seed ) can move mountains. I am relying on HIM with all my heart and soul for not only my former husband because yeah I have not given up on him yet this way.. But it must be said quite frankly that I couldn’t get anywhere any other way either.

Unknown

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project

Day 3

UNKNOWN

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do,

we have come to our real work

and when we no longer know which way to go,

we have begun our real journey.”

— Wendell Berry

My real work might just be…

Starting, becoming clear, springing from this place?

Oh my how that quote above just makes me sigh deeply like suddenly my soul found it had stopped breathing and didn’t quite know it. Because I often sit thinking of all that I should or could be doing and have absolutely no idea what to do with myself and its such a hopeless feeling and I cannot literally move. I am afraid that if I did ask GOD it be just the same old same old and all the crap I have been through would have been for nothing. Yet I know HE doesn’t waste anything. I know HE has been with me through all the strange occurrences that has been my life. I have not felt HIS displeasure or felt guilty except only by the words of humans who say they are speaking for HIM?
Yet where are they when I am struggling? Judging? I thought the Holy Spirit was supposed to prompt people into action but so far nobody has been getting it except artist type people. People who have struggled and who are what the world considers broken people. They seem more in tune with the Spirit of God than people who spend their lives dedicated to God?? It all makes me look at HIM only at HIM and perhaps what encourages me even though it seems not the way a majority move is just when I think I cannot go on a little ray of light breaks through and I find myself encouraged and fear fades away.

Unknown territory. Where nothing of the normal or old type things work anymore. Its like everything has pushed me here. And even though it has been hard and lonely and isolating strangely I do not wish to go back. I often think how can this be? Majority move a certain way surely I am way off the beaten track yet I find despite myself incredible peace and joy and intuition I know is not me. Maybe it is all for a reason. To begin that REAL journey my soul has been crying out for. I suppose I should not be disorientated when its all new ground around me, all unfamiliar and strange. Because that is exactly what breaking into the NEW is.

So this is it then. This New way. And I just realised yet again when I am honest about where I am something comes alive in me. I can express myself easily. I can find the words that only a short while ago failed me. What a strange thing this is though. This strength in weakness. This surge of life where moments ago I was lost and direction less but now I am moving in spirit, confidence brimming over and it feels really really good.

How to be part rainbow and live with the rest of the colors?

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I am sorry but I react differently to the way I used to be. I cannot be the same anymore. The old ways just don’t work the same and I don’t want to go back. I want to go forward.

I find it very difficult nowadays to relate to people because I live from my Spirit rather then outward formalities. The christian life I grew up in, since I have come out of outwardly living it. (The only way I can really say it.) I realize I was not fully myself. I was another shadow self or I adapted ways to speak and act that were not really me but what I thought I should be and what others around me were being. It is not that they are right and I am wrong now or that I am right and they are wrong. It is not like that it’s just I wanna be my own color but yet still be a part of the rainbow.. which I am I know in my heart. We are all a part of the circle of life, Gods family of all colors and races it’s just for some reason we do not recognize it in each other and do not really know the fullness of what HE has done for us as a whole creation.

I see people speaking a certain way now and I love the person but… I just don’t know how to answer them anymore. I realize now that is how they have been with me too and why it has seemed I have fallen through the cracks. When I say cracks I mean a whole lot of people haven’t had anything to do with me anymore and you just sense distance and that’s not just me pulling away but them too. Treated me differently. They must see what I write and how I am and they cannot gel with me the same just as I haven’t been able to gel with them. So there is this gap or what seems like a gap in our connection I suppose you could say. Yet we are the same in spirit. I see this because we are all created in GODS image and created by Him so there is similarities in all of us. I cannot see sheep and goats anymore. Sinners and saved. I see what Jesus did is for all mankind. Most just do not know to the extent of what HE did and see it as only for those who do certain things and live a certain way. I see HIM as the way and that I and everyone else (even those not knowing) are included in that. That is actually a whole other way I am different in my beliefs now too.. What I have learned in this journey. There will be some who will read no more and call me blasphemous but I hope despite any differences anyone can still read on.

I do write this though as a sort of apology to all the people I cannot gel with atm. I really wish I could explain it but the way people talk, the things they say. I cannot be like that anymore. Come at them like that. Speak like that anymore. I just cannot and of yet I haven’t known how to speak, act and be me and let you be you and believe what I do and you believe what you do. Find a middle ground sort of thing. I do so wish to be a peace child. I realize as I write this there are people who do not even believe in God and have a different view altogether. Even if you do believe differently, we are all humans on earth collectively speaking even with our differences. We are all people who would do better as a whole if we were living side by side in harmony even with our differences.

I struggle when anyone is using a different kind of language than I am especially using Christian terminology to communicate to me and it has appeared to me if I am not like the majority of Christians, there is immediate break down in speaking back to me or acknowledging me.

To explain myself. Jesus said it is like this.. it’s like putting new wine into old wine skins. I see to be a believer at all it has to be a whole new way of being. I do believe I am living now more or mostly from my Spirit and not from my flesh or living the christianese way.. I made the word up.. Lol. But the trouble is if everyone else was living from their spirit or even some of their spirit wouldn’t there be at least some connection? I am no longer coming from the outward behavior standards and I see that makes all the difference. Yet I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water altogether. I see some who leave the formal way and give it all up. But I still very much believe in God.

When I thought of writing this I thought of the colors of a rainbow. How the rainbow is.
We see the colors after rain or when the light reflects a certain way. We see all the colors but say ‘hey there is a rainbow!!’. We don’t dissect it and think every color should be the same because it wouldn’t be a rainbow if it were all one color!!

Or we don’t just recognize it for the blue or the green or the yellow. We love it for its unique beauty in all its glory. We love it because it contains all those colors side by side and together they paint the sky in iridescence. I don’t ever get sick of seeing rainbows. A rainbow encompasses all the colors not excluding any and no one sees it for only certain colors unless they are color blind.

Of course humanity is much more then seven colors but each of us is our own shade of similarity. I have yet to learn how to speak to the yellows or greens or purples or pinks and be who I am and yet let them be who they are. Because in the past. I thought of myself as a christian and I identified with christians. Everybody else were sinners going to hell. I mean how bad is that!!! I realize this is something I am growing out of and 40 years of doing things and seeing things a certain way takes time to adapt out of. Not fully there yet. So I shouldn’t be so surprised when someone doesn’t get me either especially right now.

It isn’t really something you can be taught. Spirit seems to transcend understanding. Spirit encompasses all. Doesn’t have borders. It cannot easily be labelled yet you can see it and you are moved by it and empowered by it. It isn’t about rules and regulations. I don’t think it can be easily explained either. But you know it is within you and every living creature has a spirit or life force in them.

People talk about reading bibles, praying, doing this or that. Speaking this way or that. Not bad things but it seems anti what is a general life force in all. But as an artist I have learned ‘one word’ can speak so many things to me. It is like I have learned scriptures since I was a baby. They are deeply ingrained in me so I suppose there is good in learning what the bible says. And I live by words I have learned from the bible. I have followed them, learned them off by heart and they truly have given me light, comfort, strength, guidance, yes life etc. I have known of God through them.. What Jesus has done. They were passed on to us as Gods speaking through man to help us. But man can also be imperfect so I sometimes learn to see through the Spirit at what is behind the words and it can change the whole perception.Jesus was the word.. 🙂

I do believe there is much much much more to it all then first meets the eye. Spirit opens up the word to you in ways that transcend human understanding!!

But looking at rainbows, doing art, talking to God in my room in tears and joy and every other emotion I have learned much about HIM too. HE transcends the book about HIM .. I am not throwing away my bible lol.. I just embrace life and spirit and I am so thankful for what HE has done. Giving us life, a beautiful world, words to help us live.. HIMSELF always with us. So much good in the bible. I think though I won’t just speak bible but let it speak through me in my own words and with my own colors. Let HIM speak to me through it and other ways too. It all fits together anyway and it makes sense the more you know the truth and more sense than ever before.

I actually got up, closed the lap top and thought this writing was rubbish at one point today. But I will persist with it because its how I am and where I am. Learning and growing and contemplating GODS Spirit with me and what it all means to me living in this world. I don’t feel right often saying how I feel re people’s opinions especially if I am different to them but I feel just as wrong saying nothing and not acknowledging them.. Everyone deserves to be acknowledged.

I used to say how I feel to people but I don’t know it doesn’t feel good anymore and I think my struggles haven’t helped people only pushed them away and I never meant to do that. I want to be heard and respected for who I am and I want to hear you and respect you too.. So this blog is my way to get it out of me what I believe and feel and struggle with and what I am coming to know and embrace.

I cannot seem to easily express how I feel without coming across wrong. People have deleted me even family and it hurts my heart. It has been hard being different, not easy stepping away from all I once understood and I am coming to terms with what my place is in the world. It can be extremely lonely and I have had to create a type of distance to let my heart be renewed because if I did go back to that old life I have changed and as Jesus Himself said you cannot put new into old. Doesn’t work the same anymore.

I don’t see that God will contradict himself. He doesn’t change unlike us. I just think we might have got it wrong some where and maybe lots of some wheres and it maybe even just a little here and there but like chinese whispers if you don’t hear the message right as it passed from one to another the whole message is completely changed from the original and the more it is passed alone the more different it gets. I think the whole truth is much more wonderful and much more inclusive then we ever thought possible and if we did know even a little more then we do now and then a little more and a little more again etc of the purity of the truth.. it would continue to draw us all closer together as mankind not separate us.

Running the race or plodding..

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The analogy of running the race fares me well. With a single eye to the finish and throwing off anything that pulls me down. That in my case would be noticing what others receive and even the things they say re faith and do re faith.
A hard thing is hearing people say well God blessed me by bringing this person into my life or I am so thankful for this or this or for that. You cannot let that get you down. You have to have incredible steel running through your veins to keep your eyes ahead and not fall flat on your face or just give up completely. My heart has ached and prayed every prayer possible for myself and for many others. So few of them have come to pass (that I can see) and it feels like I am the least on the earth faith wise when others, so many others can stand so proudly and praise and thank GOD for things I have waited for half my life. Yet I have seen many receive answers to prayer that I have prayed for along with them..  Yet unfortunately they forget you. Forget you need your prayers answered too. Forget that you were there for them. Forget that you are one of GODS children and that the goal is to get to the finish to be together forever. All precious. If we all recognized that. We might treat each other differently down here. No one should run alone. We need to notice that we all need support and especially those who have long standing prayer needs. It’s so hard not to stop.. 
I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t notice or didn’t feel it deep the way people treat me or don’t notice the lacks. That is why the looking ahead serves me so well. Digging my roots of faith down so very deep so that they do not wither despite all the things I wish for, hope for and pray for still waiting. All the things others seem to find or receive or delight in. I need to keep my face upturned and stubbornly trust. It has been a messy road for sure. To keep going, keep believing. Faced lots of judgement along the way but still I keep on. 

When I am alone with GOD I realize HE sees even if few others see. HE knows my heart. HIS peace is perfect. I can rest in my messiness when I sense his peace because despite my imperfections, my lacks HE fills me with unearthly peace. I know despite everything that all will be well no matter how it appears outwardly. Holds me steady. I run my own race. I have too.. Others pace I cannot keep up with it and comparisons ahh well I definitely do not measure up. So I plod along steady but slow. I do not take notice of the distance traveled, that the scenery rarely seems to change and that there is often so few cheering me on. I think sometimes I am almost invisible. But GOD has always said the race is unto HIM after all. The race of life. To be faithful in the small minute things I can do. In trusting HIM for it all is about all I can do most times. So many times what is meant to be well-meaning falls short and such is that I have done the same too and people have felt that from me. To keep going is a mighty act I think even as you are yet it is very lonely at times. I am so very glad HE is merciful. Just. Patient. And wonderfully faithful. Despite everything HE has already traded my worst for HIS best and promises a shining future. To keep going my desire and not give up.

It may not be often seen in our lives the way others wish it were seen but the blessed hope is that we are always going to make it. Because of HIM .. ❤ 

In the stillness of your heart, you can hear the call, “Do not be afraid…”

Peace I leave with you..
John 14:27

I can say it in other ways..

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It’s incredible how easy it is to write the poem in the image.. getting it into that form however wasn’t so easy. 🙂  I kept making errors. I had it all ready to finish and found a spelling mistake, than I found something else etc.. I just think it looks better in image form. Colors, font, even the little icons added.. It was not so easy finding a cross icon either. I had to use various tricks to get that on my image..

I think for the longest time I kept it positive.. but you know when life is difficult you cannot just be positive and stay real. One of the apps I looked for pics to go on the image.. 99% of the pics were positive and that is wrong really. Life isn’t all good all the time. To be real you need to talk about dark things. I guess the cross image many wear and see as a faith icon and I do too.. But having faith is tough too and although we believe and speak love and positive good things we still have to honest with ourselves, others and GOD that it hurts and its hard and we cry and get angry and fail. And of course the cross was an instrument of torture and death. So I feel the cross and arrows really portray what I am saying here.

I have so much stuff inside me to tell but few to nobody to tell.. not without it coming out the wrong way or being completely misunderstood. There is just something about telling things to people who look at you like your crazy or don’t really take things you say into their heart or judge you in the telling or tell you no no no its not like that.. It is like speaking to a closed door or a brick wall.. I don’t mean they have to agree or even like it. I just mean listen with an open heart and open mind and let you freely tell it.

I don’t like burdening the one or two who do listen especially when they do not burden me the same. So when I read the prompt for today this just burst out of me. I get prompts from all over.. I love them..

So many times lately I have had written out face book posts and almost hit post and publicly shared the pain of my soul but anyone who uses social media knows not many can deal with dirty laundry.. the tough stuff.. the dramas of someone’s life. Even if it is truth or real or a major struggle.. I do not know how believers in GOD deal with the heavy stuff.. because let’s face it WE ALL HAVE IT. I guess private meltdowns?? Or perhaps they have a group they meet with and talk about things? A therapist? A spouse or parent or friend? Or they simply just never say it. I would burst I can’t do that. So this seems a less evasive way to deal with it.

Some of us don’t have someone available. My best friend is half a world away and we are in different time zones. You cannot just slot in when you need to talk.. AND I do talk daily to GOD.. because people say well GOD should be enough.. well hello.. everyone talks to someone.. and those who don’t go crazy I think.. because we are created to talk..

Deafness robs me of 95% of conversations I could have.. so yeah poetry seems a great way to express my inner soul and struggles and joys I have..

Unraveling the year behind

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((HIM or words all in capitals (always stands for GOD, Jesus, Holy Spirit) I capitalize it. Its an honor thing.. Acknowledgement of HIM.. ))

My word for 2015 was a string of words.. Your Kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

This is how my word helped to guide me through the last 12 months.

Everything I once knew as Gods Kingdom fades away. It all seems to point back to me. To what is held inside this fragile container. Kingdom of God within. Outer crowded in. Outer world/relationships things I once relied on crumbled away, falling short.
I found HE really loves me.  Loves all of us. No one excluded. When your eyes are opened even a little more. See HIM in everything. Yet it doesn’t hem you in. And most definitely not controlling. Most appears hidden and that is so it can be deliciously found and enjoyed. HE wants it to be an adventure. Where even the bad parts are working for good. Like Dorothy and the ruby slippers. You have everything you need with you. You just didn’t know it. Although its been a dry year. Takes your eyes off flesh living to Spirit. Spirit is abundance. Freedom. Creativity. Abounding love, peace and joy.Its connection.. It’s greater. Spirit is everywhere. Even people who aren’t aware you can see “Spirit” alive in them. It is more than life. It’s operating whether you realize it or not. Holiest of Holy is in us. Beautiful. The new has come!! All done for us.. just need to discover it!! I don’t have to be religious!

GOD really has a plan to save us all!!!! Here and now..  Jesus made that possible!!

What did I embrace in 2015?

Creativity. HIM sometimes there was minuscule going on with me.
Rest.

What did you let go of in 2015?

Let go of being around certain people, let go of what people would think, (battle).. Let go of thinking of why certain things happened like they did..

What changed for you in 2015?

(Great sadness, rejection and low feelings) seemed to have moved past it. Amazingly without Drs, medication, people or things really changing. HIS power evident in my weakness. Not to be afraid of weakness and emotions.. Mind you I was very reclusive in 2015..

What did you discover about yourself in 2015?

Spirit is stronger. God isn’t about judgement. No fear in love. You can slip and slide into areas you never thought you would. God stays by your side. Moves you on without it destroying you or consuming you. Hope for everyone.

What were you most grateful for in 2015?

HIS strength. HIS unchanging love. Creativity and expression. Children. Justin’s kindness (former husband). Dustin’s friendship through thick and thin. (online overseas friend). SIL Lisa support and understanding. She told me things that helped.. Journalling. Recent Torquay beach holiday with almost all my children.. Oldest daughter finishing uni..

What did fear hold you back in 2015?

When I looked at all I fall short at. When I look at the way people have treated me. When I struggled to understand why things happened the way they did. When people continued to not know my heart and judge me according to who they think I am rather than who I actually am.
When I stopped expressing myself I shut down.. Fear of what people think..

When did you practice bravery in 2015?

Not completely losing it. Facing difficult people again. Speaking out at times. Letting things go. Finding peace in storms. Fighting battles no-one knew about even though they were present. When I haven’t been believed about what is happening to me.

What surprised you in 2015?

Good things happening to me even when I did nothing to deserve them.

What made you smile in 2015?

My children. Humor wherever it springs from. Sharing on face book. When somebody sees my heart. Children anywhere. Finding treasures at op shops/ thrift stores. Putting myself out there when not many noticed or responded simply because I loved doing it.. Continuing to do it..

What conclusions did you reach in 2015?

For all that didn’t happen. All the trials. I can smile and be at peace. Know GOD is with me. Know hope. Believe that somehow it is all working together for good.

These questions I found and signed up for through this site.. you can get a  FREE 5-day email class to help you figure out your word for the coming year.

Find Your Word for 2016

It’s about Abuse

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A hard post to write. It is about abuse.

But needed oh so needed.
Some reason I have always needed to get things out of me.
I know people don’t like you publicly saying things about struggles.
Especially struggles with other people.
God comforted me today about that.
He reminded me of the story of David and Saul.
A story laid out in the bible about a relationship that was difficult.
And difficult for a long long time.
Every time that is preached. Every time that is shared somewhere.
Every time that is read. It is not hidden. It is not hushed. I consider it public.
It is read and it comforts, strengthens and helps those who hear and read it.
So if you read this and you don’t like the content and you judge me. God knows my heart.
God obviously thought dysfunctional relationships were important enough to add in the bible.

Judge God not me.

There is a victim mentality about. That when you tell about something hard.
People are confronted. They don’t know what to do with it. They don’t care and think you shouldn’t air it.
They like to add their opinions, make excuses for it. Cover their ears and eyes. Give their opinions.
Ignore it. Compare it to something that happened to them. Blame you etc..

I know I feel like a total cow to speak about it.
I feel ashamed that it has happened to me. That I cannot just move on. Least I am honest.
Definitely NOT totally thinking of myself speaking about it. Because when I put myself out there. People will judge even more than they normally do.. Read any public post there will always be some negativity there somewhere and often from friends and family. That is just humanity. Everyone sees things differently.

You know I am almost deaf too so I can’t just easily sit down with a therapist!

We all need to get things out of us. We need to share our burdens. We need to tell someone.
We need people who care enough to listen. That goes both ways of course.
A person who has been abused needs it even more.. But its hard to tell. Many times you will hear of abuse stories and the person has not told anyone for a long long time. And you think why are they letting it happen? Why are they staying? Often because there are few safe places and people who will take the time to hear us and not judge.

All the while the person who has had it happen to them. Takes on all the struggles our society has with dealing with it too.
They feel unheard. They feel that what has happened to them does not matter.
They feel stupid for mentioning it. They take on the blame even if it isn’t theirs to take on.
They suffer even more because people don’t know how to deal with it. They carry more because the person they
tell often gives them a list of things they should try, lists how they should stand up for themselves and basically anything else that only adds to the load and further hurts the victimized person.

If someone is brave enough to tell you what is happening to them by another person and they are deeply hurt.
That should be enough to warrant comfort. To warrant a shoulder to cry on. To warrant being heard and understood. It shouldn’t warrant that their pain is labeled, categorized, compared or given solutions.
I am sure solutions are needed!! But firstly more than anything else that person needs your love.. They need to be heard.. Held if they wish it. To be believed. Sometimes it isn’t about their enemy. It is about being believed and being heard and being offered another’s strength. Not turning them away when they are desperately seeking someone to listen. To simply hear said ‘I am so sorry that is happening to you.’ ‘What you are going through matters.’

I definitely fail too at caring adequately for other people.

I have found that most people do not want to know. And when I have bravely spoken up I feel that as rejection like a knife in my gut if they other person just fobs me off and doesn’t seem to care.

The people who have abused me. Usually are nice people in public. They don’t know what they are doing or just flat out deny it or are moving right along and can more easily deal with it. They seem unable to emphasize with what I am telling them about what is happening and how I am feeling.
I just wish sometimes people would believe me. Know my heart or understand that I am not a vindictive person and that I can move past things it’s just I need to deal with them at the time too. And if time passes without anything happening I cannot and will not just pretend everything is ok.

It has actually caused me more distress than the actual abuse that people move on and pretend all is fine when it clearly isn’t. Seriously this has harmed me. Ignore anything long enough and you can put it out of mind but that doesn’t mean an issue goes away it just means that issue is continuing on un-addressed. That is how a dam bursts if that little cracks are not fixed and are ignored eventually they widen and the pressure of the water inside the dame will burst through.. Small things do matter. Especially if they keep happening over and over again. One can say that is in the past over and over too. But the past affects the future anyone knows that and if it continues it will blow up in your face.

There have been a precious few that have picked up on it. But unfortunately it has damaged me like a vase that is dropped. I can’t go back to the way I was. I can’t just be that perfect person not that I ever was.. Neatly packaging up what has happened to me into a pretty package with bright red bow and putting it in the past because it still affects me every day. I can forgive yes. I do. I have too.. I could not have peace if I didn’t. But I cannot just sit down and let it continue. This is part of why I write this. I am struggling with a current relationship and I don’t know how to do this in a beautiful way. I have to be as honest as I possibly can.

A lot of this is behind the scenes. Manipulative treatment that does my head in. Seems to have been my lot in life to be targeted by this person and others both now and in the past.. But this person is the one I am struggling with the most right now. Christianity makes it harder. Because we are told to forgive even turn the other cheek. Well I am telling you I have done both.. I always forgive. But I can’t forget. I can’t easily see it continuing when the other person keeps doing it over and over and over. Yes we are told for forgive 70×7. But I ask anyone if they are continually suffering by the same person who is going to just stand there and let it happen over and over and over again. You might forgive but you are not going to stand there anymore. That would be foolish.

Every time I try again to work with this person it damages me further. So like David in the bible I must escape it for now. When God gave me that story in my mind it helped me. Because this has been going on for years. And David and Saul’s problems went on for years too.. Not a good outcome for Saul either.. Sigh.. Not focusing on that. Mostly I focus on the length of time it is going on and why when I pray and pray it is still ongoing. And if this story shows this actually happened to someone I can rest that I can identify with it in the here and now. David was not responsible for how Saul acted and the hatred of him. I am not responsible for this person mistreating me either. Not saying it is hatred.

One thing I feel I need to write is. If you are going to question the person who is telling about abuse in any form. That you step back a bit first. Think to yourself. Who is this person that is telling me this. Is this person a known liar? What do I know about their background? Is it possible they are telling the truth? Is this person a known stirrer? If this was true how would they be coping? Perhaps it is possible the way they live and things they do stem from things that have happened to them and not from being a ‘bad person’. It is very likely you have not added up all these things. Because if the victim is lying. Why tell it in the first place? We really do owe any person love. That everything in their lives has brought them to this point. All the things that have happened to them have brought them to this place.. If you choose to judge them than your not loving them. Your not considering how they are or what has happened to them to bring them to telling you this. Yes people lie.. But is this person a liar?

I surely hope people do not think of me as a liar when I say these things.

People and family do know of it. I would say right now there is not one person who is really helping me with this. A few have helped in recent times. God did bring a wonderful close friend even closer for a long length of time to help me. This person currently I have no contact with. I do feel mostly peace about that though. I just have to believe people come and people go for a reason even if I do not know what that reason is for.

People have said to me.. ‘I would never let someone treat me like that!!’ when I have mentioned mistreatment before. Well that doesn’t help. I am not a confrontational person. Never have been. Maybe I do not stand up enough for myself. But I don’t go down quietly. I let people know. Hence this post. Hence many things I have said. Mostly though people don’t take much notice and don’t offer me some comfort when I tell them. So I am left to my own devices. Yes it can mean I internalize it. Yes I can become selfish and withdraw. Run away and hide away even. BUT I am telling you it is not weak to say something it is bloody brave. I do put myself out there and that IS not easy..

Hence another reason I share this. I am not caring about what other people say. I have prayed about this before writing. No check in my spirit to stop. In fact I am writing this very easily. It is needed and perhaps others need to read this too.

I will be posting a link to this on my face book. I will not hide it. I would like to do an art piece or photograph or poem in the future about this. Perhaps many more blog posts or art pieces too.. I don’t know.. I can’t move forward in a healthy way without addressing this. I cannot find healing. Perhaps people I know might be more understanding I can only hope. I will share one of my favorite scriptures about bad things and how God uses it for good. It is my genuine wish and desire that this very promise works for me in such a way..

Genesis 50:20
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

faith

Comforted

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What part of Gods character brings the greatest sense of comfort and security to you?

His Presence. I believe He is there for a start. That is extremely comforting. No person can be there 24/7. I do not see him as a judge but a great lover. Not sexually or romantically lol or even a father figure. But rather a very very very kind and dear friend but he is also KING ha ha. So you have this great superhero as friend.. Protector. Guardian. I do not see GOD as visible but I truly wish He was sometimes. I talk to HIM rather than pray. I do see Him as peace.. Knowing HE is Spirit. So unseen but with me. I mean HE can comfort me by bringing a bird outside my window or putting a rainbow in the sky. HE can appear or help me in many ways but HE never leaves. HE is faithful and truth. HE is greater than any and every bad thing that can ever happen to me. Extremely patient. HE doesn’t see my faults because of what JESUS did. That was the kicker. Knowing that what happened on the cross was the crux of all time for all mankind.. beginning to end. Changed everything. Knowing that although the earth has much evil in it. It has all been overcome. The book is finished but right now we are only part way through the book perhaps closer to the end than we realize. It’s just playing out and definitely do not lean on my own understanding of it all because HE is GOD and I don’t have HIS view of it at all. So I cannot see the bigger picture yet. I believe one day we will go.. Ohhh ok THAT is what was happening..

Unexpected

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Don’t know for how long.
I’ve wanted the unexpected.
Longed for it like water is needed in a dry and dusty land.
For what though?
I can’t name it or put it into words.
Just an intense ache.
Looking for a window to open up.
For things to make sense.
Something more to happen.
Energy-less.
Stationary.
Waiting.
A tiredness of soul that no thing or person can touch.
Now knowing why or for what or how to address it.
Not held back or sad even. 
Just an unknowing of a way to go forward.
Little desire to do anything.
My world seems empty.
So I cry out to GOD.
With what breath I have left I pray.
It all drives me to HIM..
No answer in any other place.