Monthly Archives: March 2016

Freedom to keep speaking

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DAY 29 – DIG DEEPER:
What kind of freedom does writing give you? How do you wish or expect it to further increase your freedom, if you commit to giving it your all? Voicing your hopes and dreams helps you take the first actionable step towards this freedom.

The last couple of days I have felt freer than ever before. Just following my heart in creative endeavors continuing to forge my path ahead and it becomes clearer and the vision in my heart I believe crisper in form. For so long I have been direction-less. So writing and expressive activities not only have given me a voice but a straight path. Something to channel myself into. A  greater reason to live the life I live and a platform that gives me a way to speak my truth and tell my story.

I have deep joy and I have lost that empty feeling inside and it’s fun and personally fulfilling. That feeling of stuck-ness has gone when I keep expressing myself. Though I still have days where there is little motivation and purpose. If I write some, create some, do some art, poetry etc it’s quickly apparent that I have a flow inside of me to propel me forward. You cannot attach a price tag to your inner well-being . Especially when you realize that others maybe where I once was. Lost, sad, no direction, feeling anything but inner peace. I think that is reason enough to keep sharing!! Maybe someone else will be helped, encouraged  or given some light for their darkness.

I don’t cry every day any more. I am amazed constantly how ideas and inspiration come from inside me when I am not even an out there in the world person. I don’t go anywhere much or see anyone much but I do have a huge creative reservoir I can dig from. I can see that collecting things over the years is now not going to waste but being used and helping light and fuel my inner fire. Nothing is wasted!!! Not waiting on inspiration to come to me because it’s all around. In fact I am creating from what I need to keep myself going.. see the cards below and I think all my art is suggestive of that. My message to the world is what I myself need to hear. It is how we chose our mantras in the art course I am doing.

Abundant life is now being drawn to me as I continue on in this path though it always helps to learn and grow and keep a search for inspiration. I am not looking at others now and wistfully thinking ‘wish I could do that’ because I am happy with what I am doing myself and learning new skills and I can even learn things on the not so productive days. Taking a little here and a little there and working with that and adding my own personal touch and flavor to it.
The fact that the course I am doing by Kelly Rae Roberts ‘Hello Soul Hello Mixed Media Mantras’ is all about letting my Soul out in an expressive way in my own words.. It’s EXACTLY what I need. To believe in myself. To believe in my journey. To believe I can say it in my own words. Speak my truth without fear of imperfections and pushing through the doubts and uncertainties and there is real power in this. Embracing my own uniqueness and finding value and being confident in the telling. 
It follows on beautifully from this course ‘30 days to write myself alive’. Because once a person is alive and doing something every day that keeps them alive they are able to move forward in strength because they have given their heart wings and they have birthed a fierce determination inside that overrides most anything that tries to stop them. Writing many words or one or two it’s just doing it daily and finding momentum as you keep putting your heart out there. Different ends of the spectrum indeed pure writing alone and writing one or two words on a mixed media canvas but what freedom in it all and you are challenged to see how it will unfold as you fit your soul into one form or another. I cannot wait to see how it evolves in the days ahead!!
A little confirmation from GOD below as I look to share this..
HE gave me this scripture..

Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make him known.

The verse before this says. The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands. From Psalm 19:1-2
As I too continue to keep speaking what is in my heart it comforts me that these words came to my mind. That in all this I am helping others to know the source of all that makes me whole with my hands and voice and heart!! To know HIM than live from the freedom HE gives!!!

All the darkness I have gone through has only ever propelled me to keep doing what I know to do and like to do and yes like stars am created to do and that is to keep shining brightly. To keep speaking from the freedom and more I have found within..

 

 

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Darkness has not Overcome

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DAY 27 – DAILY PROMPT:
Tell us exactly where you would be if you were never allowed to write again from this day forward. Explain what it would do to your life, what it would do to your mental state of mind, and what, if any, new practices would replace it, to help you feel balanced.
Think deeply about how this has changed since you began this course, explain to us what you feel.

A new way has been opened up to me even as I procrastinate my way through this writing course. Yes I started something new before I finished this. So me right now. :\
Even though I love writing very much. I am also a very visual person too. So writing has had it’s place and so does doing something with my hands art wise or sharing my feelings in a different manner. If I stopped writing I could easily shift into creative expression via paint with a mantra written on a canvas or art journalling or with photography. In fact I have stopped writing almost..
Still words of course but its not relying totally on the written word but using one word or a few words to say it composed with colors, textures, little images and basically my heart on a canvas instead.
As I move through my life at this point. Pretty well everything is fitting. It might be a quote with a prompt, or a word even, or how a question is asked and the timing. The fact that so much of this I cannot tell anyone just about drives me bonkers as I have few I talk about feelings etc with or how I am feeling. I couldn’t stop now if I tried it’s just I have to channel it somewhere right. Except I cannot stand still and question it because to me it doesn’t really make sense but the joy drives me on. I have to keep going and trust the process and the unfolding.

 

Last night I had a dream, a night mare that woke me up around 3am. So I am going to let this go here as part of this prompt which shows the changes in me I think. As I said everything fits. Even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else it does to me. All I can do is share it the best way I can.
Perhaps the dream was influenced by the graphic images on TV and in the news right now. Brussels has been hit with terrorist attacks and many people have died and many more injured. It is scary times in our world. I pray for all those affected but trying to grasp it with human understanding is unsettling and you cannot fathom why these things continue to happen. You cannot easily just sit with it.
In my dream I was deep in the forest with my youngest daughter. It was getting late and light was fading fast. I was aware that I was moving away from where I needed to be to safely find my way out. I knew I had to back track from where I currently was. Than I knew from that place I could find my way home. Except that it was getting darker. My phone was low on power so I couldn’t ring or use my phone for much light when it really got dark. It was an eerie feeling indeed knowing I was in a bad way. I knew that although I could at this point find my way home, the coming darkness would make me lose all sense of where I was and than I really would be completely lost. Time was running out it seemed. I am so glad in my dream my daughter was there.. I was not alone like I am often or seem to be in my physical life. That was the one hopeful thing in my dream. Even as I lay in the darkness semi awake I was trying to find a way out.. Trying to create an ending for that dream before it went away.
My heart was beating a bit fast.. The dark of the night in my bedroom seemed to be closing in. I do what I always know to do. I prayed. I prayed for help for what my dream meant. What my life meant. What my creative spirit means. You kind of bring all that is going on in your life into that prayer at that moment. I knew I was safe. It was just a dream except that I was feeling disturbed in my spirit.. I used that to keep praying. Prayed for the world. Prayed for Brussels. Saw messages coming in on my phone. Light flashes when messages are coming in and other times that has woken me up. My friend was struggling very same time too. So I prayed for him. I didn’t reply though at the time. I draw great comfort from knowing GOD with me and the wonderful thing about praying for others is I can feel comfort for them too even if all I am doing for them is to pray.
I thought to myself if the dream was real I would have prayed for us at that point. I would have found comfort even being lost in the forest.
As I kept praying till I found peace in my soul I thanked God for just the comfort and help HE gives me always and whenever I have troubles.
Than I prayed some more about the world who doesn’t know to pray or to find comfort when they are lost, confused, troubled in spirit and the way is not clear. Things became clear to me as I lay there in darkness praying.. Right than and there nobody could help me. No one around at 3am with me physically. I could wake up sleeping children lol but they couldn’t have helped me find peace. I thought of people who are hit by terrorists especially the ones injured and dazed. Who have survived and are injured. It would be terrifying. For many they are alone right at that moment.
Made me think of them and hoping they knew to pray. Because there are moments in all our lives when we are in need.. Maybe not by acts of terrorism. But we are in need, lonely, scared, injured of body or soul or both, when we need assurance. When there is nobody around who knows or understands and sometimes even we can be surrounded by people and feel alone. We need help when there are no answers or its getting darker and more difficult and we cannot explain it easily. We need comfort. No one though can be with us 24/7. Even the best of the most supportive people cannot do that.
I thought of how so much falls so short. Yet God knows exactly where we are. HE is everywhere. People may not know that or may not even believe in HIM. People might even curse HIM at those times. I found HIM in my moment. I received comfort. But than I know HE is there I believe HE is there. Right than though there was no visual sign. I have loud noises in my ears they were still there.. I don’t have anything else that comforts me or another person sharing my bed. It is still dark. I am still in my room. Alone. Still a single mother. Still have mess under my bed and clutter surrounding me. Still have doubts about my own life and where my place is in the world. I mean I didn’t see flashes of insight or angels. I have had to go through times when I had to be stubborn about my faith. When it seemed there was no one who cared, no help coming, everything unfamiliar, nobody noticing, speaking what seems insanity, seemed to be anti-me etc..
Things became clearer as I prayed, just talked to God about everything in my own way. I have so little to offer anyone in this world. Especially those who are REALLY feeling lost and alone and abandoned and it REALLY is getting darker for them.. But I do know to pray and I do know the comfort I feel and have felt and the assurance in my heart of one who is greater and close despite the lost-ness one can feel, the ever encroaching darkness and thudding heart.
I felt even joy last night. A deepening excitement about my faith, about my creative expressions and what was stirring in my heart from this time with GOD. About what I have and feel inside me. Faith. Hope. Joy. Peace. But also direction and inspiration did come. I mean I don’t have much validation and support for my creative life even my spiritual life. But I do know HIM like I do. Although many times I have written here at my blog or shared my faith publicly with family, friends and connections and many have not seemed to notice or appear to care. Still I keep going. I have even more reason too now. Even though my faith is not main stream or like many I know personally. In the darkness I can feel the light.. totally at peace and happy and feeling freer than ever before.
Assurance was the word that last night stood out to me. My writing or expressive outlet is branching off into using a canvas, paint and only a few words to share my heart, voice and self to the world. I know that will be the word for my next canvas!! It will be based on last night. Truly it was much more wonderful than I can put into words. Honestly this writing and my telling it falls short. But I know within me there is something greater happening despite my frustrations to say things and be heard and seen.
I think my picture to go with this writing will be just be a screen shot of my Iphone where I hurriedly wrote down my thoughts from last night.. of course the picture doesn’t show everything I wrote but most of it. Just to re-enforce what I scribbled down so I could remember it today and share it. You see for me. I cannot not share it. I see all things work together for good and I am believing if I am greatly moved perhaps someone else might be helped too.. ((Pic included with a screen shot from TV because I am always encouraged whenever I see these sunlight streams from heaven and I had to take a pic ))… isn’t it weird the patterns that my camera picked up lol from the transmission and the words “Let Light Shine Out of the Darkness” was a free clip art the Over ap gives its users every day.. Altogether Perfect huh!!
For me its about internal. Spirit. Kingdom is within. Eternity. Because HE is our world’s creator connection with all. Trusting GOD in the darkness and in the light. I get high on the most high.. 🙂 I remember praying to HIM and saying. LORD you are the same GOD who created Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, Oprah Winfrey, Frida Kahlo.. Etc pulling famous peoples names from my brain.. Yet you’re with me here and now. I mean the very most famous souls on earth that ever lived past, present and future. You created them and yet YOU are here with me.. I might not be noticed or have millions hang on my every word or creative endeavor. But I know YOU are with me and the same YOU created them. I can trust YOU and just keep going and doing what I know to do because YOU are with me too!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

 

Light in Darkness

Words Tell My Story..

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DAY 27 – DIG DEEPER:

Where and how does your writing fit into the bigger picture of the world? How would you want it to? This is a chance to review your creative mission (what your writing gives to the world) and vision (what your writing gives you).

 
See the pic below.. A lot of what today’s post is about..

 
From a website called Wordle.. Only able to create one with Internet explorer not Chrome. In case you wanted to create one..
I cried seeing these words.. I have just been commenting to someone who came here and basically told me I am in grave danger and under deception? I don’t know if they even read my blog? Obviously I am now treading ground that is very different to the main stream. According to this person and a recent other person to contact me I have to buy their books lol to read about where I am deceived.. Sigh. I never ever got the answers in books though I have learned some good stuff through the years . I bought books till they were coming out my ears. At some point you have to ground yourself without needing more and more.
My writing fits into the bigger picture because I have a voice, a choice to put it out there and a means to do so. I have fingers that can type all day lol. Ha ha when there is nobody around to hear and I cannot exactly sit down and communicate freely I have my ways. 🙂 I can tell what is in my heart, what is helping me and hindering me. I can share it all basically. I always fussed about it that is seen or not or read or not or that it was ‘written’ perfectly. I only have to look at words in that picture and my emotions are stirred and that was random.There is power in words.  It’s just something inside of me can’t help but be moved and I know I am not the only one is the world to be moved by words so I can just flow and I know it will move more than me.

“But words are things, and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think.” — Lord Byron

 
I think about what a perfect stranger is judging me about. Yet I see these words and I know what is inside me. I know God with me and I know HE isn’t about external like people but the heart.. I don’t care what they say but it is sad that we are not looking at people’s hearts and seeing beautiful things there. That we are judging by some standard whatever it is and wherever it came from. Those words in the picture came from here from my blog. I copied one complete post into the Wordle creator and that is why came out. Body, Know, Way, Change.. The ones that stand out the most and they sum up the massive change that has happened in me and in my mind about what life and God and faith and expression and soul mean. Way being the biggest I think and ranked on the top of the biggest words!! I know I am going the right way.. I not only know the Truth I know the Way too. I am in the body wether people acknowledge and agree with me or not. I KNOW that I know that I know.. No human being can take that knowing away. Nothing separates me from HIS love.
I printed it out and will put it in my art journal forever.. So many other little words around and how they came out that speak too.. So much I can say. So happy right now. So at peace. I just close the door to all that speaks against freedom and truth and life and tries to bring my heart down to the ground. My wings are permanent.. Soar on wings like eagles..

 

My writing is me. Its my heart and soul. Its freedom and beautiful and I combine it with art expression too.. Such a joy.. I am so aware that despite so much around me that could suck my soul and tries. I am happier and freer and more joyous than ever before.
Last couple of days, the last week.. Really ill for about a week. Than in my art course the videos were not loading properly and I struggled with that for half a day because I do not give up easily, and I can’t hear everything the teacher Kelly Rae Roberts says so it takes a lot longer to go through the material. I miss some. And than yesterday my printer just stopped connecting to the home Internet and I worked on getting it back on line for hours. Most frustrating. Finally worked a way to reroute it straight from the printer to lap top/ipad etc.. Believe me I am no computer wizz. Trial and error and persistence got me through and prayer..
I realize that despite difficulties, deafness, technical probs, not seeing many people to talk too and many just think I am too way out there.. I am surprisingly unaffected. I mean at the time its ahhhhhh… but today I feel a glow. Nothing takes that away.. In fact I am more excited than ever before to keep on.

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Love Break Through..

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Feeling so much love for myself.. It hasn’t been reliant on others though its always nice to be loved by others. I think all my life it’s been an outward experience of love you know the kind that puts self last and gives because it’s the right thing to do. I love you.. You love me. Without making everyone that has ever said they loved me feel bad. It seemed a surface kind of love. I have been giving that kind too..

The kind you expect from others and if you don’t get it you feel bleh the kind that is obligated and perhaps even conditional and the kind that only loves those whom you want to love and not everyone gets it.. You withold it!?! I have heard love your neighbor kind of thing and deny yourself and that’s what I think has left me empty.. Never ever looking at myself with eyes of love so the emptiness inside its been soul sucking. I think not knowing I was worthy of love or felt loved I have not been able to love others. Period. I know God is love right. Heard it all my life but when it comes to being alone, when friends turn away, when bad things happen to you. That love I learned falls ohh so short and where is it if we are all supposed to be loving. Where is it???? The cries go unheard. The fingers point and say do this and do that. You get the backs of people instead of their fronts. You come up empty and depleted and although many question God at this point and that is totally understandable. I don’t know why but I dug my heels in and believed HE loved me and was with me. He told me that. Phew I am glad I was stubborn in that. Found Him big way lol. Not at all like I was told and taught by people and even very religious and deeply spiritual people or seemed so. No no. Forced. Reliant on what I did or didn’t do. On doing what everybody else did..

To be loved when I feel I am failing and not have anything expected of me.. Yummy. To be loved when I am enjoying my life. Yahoo.. To enjoy life in the way I choose. FREEDOM!!! To love even if it doesn’t come back and never ever have to hold it back ever. Ohh its heavenly.

Not expecting it from anyone, or craving it but knowing it deep within in a way that feels real and warm and freeing. It’s always been about doing this and not doing that. Instead of just enjoying life. Weird isn’t it. It has felt selfish for so long. I bet there are some or many who may read this and think I have totally lost the plot. But finally I am starting to allow it inside me and again that isn’t reliant on anyone else or what they think. That I am worthy of love too. I mean almost all my life I did things a certain way and didn’t do a whole lot of things too. It’s amazing to be free.. It’s exquisite to become fully me. To find what I like and what brings me joy. It is good.. I truly believe that God wants to see us this way!! All of us!!

I have started a beautiful art course by Kelly Rae Roberts called “Hello Soul Hello Mantra Mixed Media Painting Ecourse”. And its so fun. I have mostly just watched the videos and read through the material. I have most of the art supplies needed which is a relief. A few things I need to get and have to wait till pay day. I have completed some of the practice backgrounds.
I bought a package deal from Kelly Rae Roberts which was only offered for about 48 hours. Ten year anniversary deal. Oh wow it feels the whole thing is in my hands at the absolute perfect time. Everything is perfect. From speaking from soul which is so me. To just letting go and doing it without thinking and without needing it to be perfect and I need that.. It is personal, fun and delightfully freeing. I am so excited, pumped and ready to flow…

I do need to finish off my recent 30 day writing course lol so this post is another part of getting to the end of that. While I gather the last few things I need to really jump into the art course. The prompt being to write freely describing myself inside and outside, to a complete stranger. Celebrating myself honestly and unbiased. Oh the joy of living from my soul. Thank YOU LORD!!!!!!

Daily Prompt…. Day 26..

She stands back, shy. Quiet but to those who know her she is loud. Hair that is straight at the top and curls/waves underneath. Red hair because she dyes it but it can have a mind of its own. Slips away from conversations before you know it. Rarely seen in public. Home body. Loves coffee a bit too much. She may say nothing but smile. Her heart is shared openly and daily where it flows best and up till now many have not appeared to see it but that is changing. Happy with her own company. On line she lives mostly. Loves to do art and read and write. Collects things like art stuff, books and knick knacks and her room is her kingdom. A lot of her favorite things in there!! Loves birds, rainbows and sun streaming from clouds. She days dreams and can live whole afternoons in her imagination. A messy. Not overly confident but getting more so in her own way. Loves deep talks but rarely gets them so if she does talk to someone it can just pour out. Likes familiarity. Likes walking and singing. Loyal to a few. Creative spirit and deep faith but she believes in GOD with her where she is and doesn’t need props. Loves to share her truth and heart expressions. Childlike and loves simple things. Because she is introverted can appear selfish. Believes in love, light, but being honest about struggles and darkness. She will laugh too loud, but love to hard. Loves her children and kindred spirits. Romantic at heart. Awkward. Quirky. She can be very lazy and lay back. Loves inspiration. Lives mostly in the moment.. Rarely plans, wastes time without realizing it being easily distracted. A free Spirit.. Talks to God and loves His presence both in spirit and truth. Enjoys Him as He enjoys her. Not the religious way but through faith and she sees Him everywhere. Might be in a bird outside her window or a rainbow in the sky or in a smile from a stranger or in someone pausing to ask about her day or art. He is sunlight and warmth and kindness to her. Joy is her desire however it comes and always loves to experience deep soul, relies on his grace and in His out of this world peace… He is her everything. Ling life abundant her deepest desire and to share that with the world her calling.

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Inside Story

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Feeling hard pressed on every side it feels. The last couple of days especially.. Incredible loud noises in my head/ears. Most times I can kind of just deal with it. Forget it.. But sometimes it makes its presence known and it feels intrusive and oppressive. And I am very very aware of it.

I’ve also had intense stomach cramps, premenstrual, probably close to the worst in my life for days now. Before that it was a headache for half a day. Bodily symptoms doing their best to wear me down.
My earthly mind at the very same time seems to want me to think on negative things too so to combat that I go inward and kind of close myself to it all. Meaning I dwell on GOD. His presence within well it’s everywhere but the outward pressures make me turn inward. My way to explain. I have not had the people around me to rely on or that I felt I could rely on. So my way to cope is escape all outward distractions. Except I do not meditate yogi style but center myself on God with me in my own way right where I am how I am. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit. HIM.. I don’t like to label it. Presence. Kingdom within. I don’t go to a building anymore. I see my body as containing HIM and that I am a holy place.. I am at peace looking in. I find solace.

Today’s art journalling is my way to be aware of HIM. It’s restful, it’s calming, it centers, it brings peace. It’s expressive, meaningful and it’s my way of acknowledging HIM. Or channeling HIM.. I know that is ‘New Age” kind of talk. But this is exactly what we as believers in GOD are.. the old has passed away the new has come.. It’s just what we associate with using that terminology.  People tend to switch off to you if your not the ‘same’ as everyone else but when you are free indeed things take on a different meaning..

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36

Feet without shoes represents to me HOLY as I am.

Tree change.. Goes back to the beginning. Eden. All has been reset.

When you get frustrated about relationships, health, world issues, family issues, people, where you fit, how you fit with others.. I think to what JESUS has already done. Hitting restore. He was the only one perfect enough to make the interchange using a body. To live when he lived, and die as HE died. HE said… “It is Finished” as he breathed his last as a human container to GOD. It was not the end of the story though or was it? What HE did than makes all the difference to me now when I realize it. Only if I know what it was HE did. HE righted all wrong. Restoration right back to the original tree of life.

HE was the change though HE is changeless. Even the very nature of who HE is tells you all would be made right that is wrong.
I get so pulled this way and that when I think of having to change. I can’t change. I am who I am and I do not believe I need to change and when I know HIS life is in me I know all is well. It is my purpose only to know who I am.. HE has saved every part that has failed and fallen and could ever fall short. Through HIM. I am born of HIM. HIS creation. HIS perfection because anything done in the body HE made right in HIS body on the cross. When HE died I died. Now I live the perfect life because of HIM. Life is to be lived wholeheartedly.

HIS kingdom is here now. Heart living. It is beautiful. Freeing. Remember how HE said..

Seek first HIS kingdom.. and HIS righteousness.. and all these things shall be added to you..  Matthew 6:33 ( all these things are earthly cares we worry about…all will work out.. )

I am at home in this body nevertheless. And no matter how much of an outcast I feel. I belong. Because of HIM not me. Not anything to do with me. That makes it easy. It is beautiful. Beautiful indeed.

 

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Pushing beyond..

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DAY 25 – DIG DEEPER:
How do you push yourself beyond your smaller self? And where/how could you push yourself harder? Have you ever felt like quitting right before a breakthrough?

 
I believe that is Gods job.. If I just look to Him for all of this.. Be unafraid of my imperfections.

 
It’s in the every day just doing what I enjoy and where I flow. Society, family, social norms, current trends, life in general all has a pattern to it. People strive for improvements, to work for their living, to raise a happy healthy family, to share the gospel, to follow God and love their fellow man. My smaller self and beyond to me is not following the crowd even though they are all commendable things worth doing. It’s not doing what is expected of someone like me in my life and family and even faith. Doing what everyone does. Its centering on what I do best, where I flow, where inspiration and my spirit take me even if nobody else notices that. The quote on this days prompts oh my it so strengthens my resolve for my current journey and where I am in my life.

“ You see, in my view a writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily, because she has amazing talent, because everything she does is golden. In my view a writer is a writer because even when there is no hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway. “ – Junot Diaz

It is like a drive within. A drive or burning desire to express what I see, feel, hear, touch, taste daily. Take what comes and work through it in my own way. To push myself harder would be just to keep going and perhaps work at many more things and use my time wiser. Keep intentional about my creative life. I have more time than many do but I am a procrastinator. I need to keep track of myself better. A break through or two would be nice I truly haven’t seen too many of them.. I have felt like quitting more times than I could count except I enjoy what I do and that keeps me going. I have faith that for all that isn’t happening the breakthrough will still come.. Mustard seed faith alright. I admire those who have much to show for themselves and get results that they can see and everyone else sees. I have to keep going despite not getting support and validation. I mean if you sold a lot of paintings you keep producing art because your making money, people love what you do and your soul work is touching the world. But when you make no money, your contributions not many notice and they don’t appear to make any difference and people do notice all that you are NOT doing.. It does seem utterly pointless. But yet here I am!!!!!

DAY 25 – DAILY PROMPT:
Choose a form of writing that terrifies you, and force yourself to write for at least 30 minutes, in that method. If poetry has always scared you, write poetry for half an hour, if you have always shied away from short stories, try to complete one, if you have always wanted to start a novel but have never taken the first step, use these 30 minutes to come up with at least a page or two, anywhere in the book, before you finish.

 

I stand before you. I look you straight in the eye. You know me so well. You can still make me blush. Even our aging bodies don’t make it hideous or less passionate.
If only you could see me seeing you and wanting you and desiring you. Despite everything. The power I feel for what it means is just mind blowing. Yes the dramas and failures and frustrations dog our every step. The fact we are totally opposite people. But think about it. I mean really think about it.
That we still have these embers. These embers that smolder despite all that have tried so hard and so long to put us out. That’s something!! They could make a movie about that. It’s just so hard to want something so long and so hard and yet it slips through your fingers daily and you burn a very slow death alone. Like standing before a window admiring the view but your never allowed inside to buy. I want to enter in. I want to buy. I want to try. I want to use. I want to keep. I don’t want to wait any longer outside looking in.
Alone.
Yet we go on as we do. I find peace. There is me and there is you. It’s just there could be more. Much much more and I hope and pray that one day soon I’m no longer window gazing but a satisfied customer on the way home no longer alone!!!
I know even writing this I am just a voice in the wind. That may never be heard by the ears I wish to hear it. There is comfort though in the saying.. The voicing. I feel the tears still slip out of eyes on occasions and even I tremble in the power of those tears. Of the emotions that refuse not to be felt. Love surely is the most powerful force in the world. To continue long after the other person is present or aware or alive to enjoy it. I know that maybe it will be re-directed to another soul. But I will always love you. Deeply and just as I am. I don’t want that love to die. I don’t think it can. It doesn’t have too. One soul can hold a lot of love. I love each of our 6 children. I still love the one I can’t hold who is in heaven. It’s just I have to wait to physically show him and be with him but that love is still there inside me and I will never forget him. There is always room and a capacity for more love.
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I gave up and I was going to skip over this one. But something Steven King (author) said brought me back. I can’t even quote it or remember where I saw it. It was about not giving up even though we don’t know what to write and its a struggle. Not letting it beat us but going back and having a crack at it. Something rose up inside me and wanted to overcome it. It wasn’t that I could not write for 30 minutes or whatever. It is just at the moment I started writing I couldn’t think what to write and it seemed dumb what I was writing. This is not probably 30 mins worth but I took even longer just sitting and fussing over it.  so its sort of what I wrote above combined with what I feel and am adding now.

Writing about something as personal as the love I still have inside me for my ex-husband seems too personal for others to read. Or if I share it that people will mis-understand me. But I still feel this way. It isn’t a lie to tell it. Perhaps nobody cares. I care. I feel it is a scary topic. Strong women cut their feelings off don’t they? Strong women move on. Move forward. I have moved on. I just still feel things that has not changed. I just move forward with that inside me. I shouldn’t care what people think. I don’t know why I share so much publicly. Because not all writing has to be shared. It’s just what I have always done. So I am being brave. I often think if I met someone else would they want me to still feel this for someone else? I honestly don’t know. It’s almost embarrassing to still feel it, to admit it. That part of your life seems past and yet I have truly let go and we have peace but still I feel.. It is what it is that is all I can say.

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Searching for Angels

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DAY 24 – DAILY PROMPT:
Go somewhere completely outside of your normal routine to write today. Switch it up, try new locations, new music, new people, and new surroundings. Compare the output of your creativity with that of your usual places. Does that help? Does it hinder?

I went to the local cemetery, the old one lol because I have for a long time admired those beautiful angel statues  artistic type people take pictures of. Stone angels. It was a very hot day as I wandered around looking for angels. As always I didn’t give myself much time so I was not able to have a really good look around. Though surprisingly I did take in a lot!! There is a section for buried soldiers from the Eureka rebellion (famous in Ballarat) which I would love to go back to visit. I didn’t actually know it was here in our city like that. Learned something new from this exercise.

I have been to the newer cemetery where our baby son and my grandmother is buried but not this one. I have written a poem about my journey and what I found below along with my own photograph. I was surprised how well kept the place was. Gardeners and maintenance men walking through doing this and that. Beautiful gardens too. Smack bang in suburbia surrounded by cars driving around. But there are some lovely big trees planted. I wonder if they were planted back when many of the oldest graves were dug? I try to imagine what it would have been like in the olden days. Wagons and horses tied outside. Dust everywhere. People thronging in hats and coats or hats and everyone in black clothing or period type. Looking out at the gold fields which were part of our cities history and would have been I think surrounding Ballarat. We have two mountains that sit along the horizon and outskirts of our city. I always think as the old timers stood at the grave side they would be looking out at Mt Warrenheap and Mt Buningyoung. Some very elaborate grave stones dotted here and there. So there were rich people buried in this place perhaps they did well on the gold-fields? A lot of religious icons. I love that whole families were buried in plots together. Being the mother of a baby son who died at almost 2 months. It was heart breaking to see many little babies’ names mentioned buried in with their families. It was nice that they did that though.. Obviously infant mortality was much higher in the past.

I did sit and write after I’d finished taking photos. Near the front entrance in the shade looking across the beautiful manicured rose gardens. Some graves were so close to the street. That was hard to see. I know they are dead but to see cars whizzing so close to their final resting place just seems disrespectful.

I didn’t really have time to reflect with my writing while there. It was too hot to stay in the sun too long and uncomfortable even in the shade. But it was delightfully encouraging to be in different surroundings and I was noticing things more. Thinking of what it meant to me personally, what it meant to the people buried here, the beauty of some of the headstones and statues I did find. Lots of crosses and some of women with crosses which is interesting that it was women portrayed and not men. Jesus stood out most to me but I had to walk a fair way to find him. Kept thinking I have to walk all the way back lol and I don’t want to be late picking up my daughter from High school..

Plenty of seats dotted here and there for quiet reflection. Immediate thoughts were just scattered and random. I jotted words down in a blank page book I had with me. Definitely taking photos heightened the experience but that was not easy just using my Iphone. The glare of the sun overhead make it hard to see the small screen so I was blindly taking some shots. It wasn’t till last night I had to time to play around with them because that is something I like to do. Filters, aps and all. I hope the poem I wrote reflects more on what I was thinking and feeling. Least it is with less words. 🙂

I tend to stay in my bedroom a lot so to get out on this type of artist date was immense fun! I need to do more of them! I’d say the output is that I realize that I should get out of my house for regular artist dates and give myself time to actually do it and soak it in not hurry through. I love using my lap top to write best. Pen and paper is so scrawly so I tend not to want to use it too much. Just being out of my comfort zone and getting the stimulation for this post makes my mind leap ahead to what else I could do in the future. Good for the soul, good for body, mind and spirit.

 

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Facing Fear..

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DAY 23 – DAILY PROMPT:
In exquisite detail, write about your biggest fear. Dive as deeply into it as possible, explore what about it scares you, why it scares you, how it scares you, what it makes you feel when it is scaring you. Haps, if you explain it deeply enough, the power it holds over you will be loosened.
As Dumbledore once said, “fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.” Give your fear a name and sing it loud.
Biggest fear… That nothing I do makes any difference at all. Nobody notices or really cares.

I can easily do what I do quite happily. I suppose because I do not work for money. Raising children yes. But not a job perse. You feel like what you are doing is not worth anything. It’s not that I need validation though its nice when you get it. It’s just I want to feel like I matter to someone other than just being a mother, sister, aunt or friend etc.. Ok people say I care. Which I am thankful for. But in my every day life nobody is seeking me out at home. Ok I am not one to seek others out either so perhaps that cancels this need or desire out. But it is so easy to write oneself out of the big picture. One day your life will flash across a church projector and a few loving souls will stand up and say how much they loved you. To me that is lame. I understand people do it and apparently having a lovely service filled with nice memories, a line up of souls to speak beautifully immortalizes that loved one and helps people say goodbye and grieve.

But most of us need that attention in the here and now and some of us more than others. I would much rather it here and now. I have so little energy for much these days. Making myself write because it is good for me and at the very least I am saying something somewhere.

Relationships are hard work aren’t they. Yet I am loving a TV program right now. “I am a Celebrity get me out of here..” And oh boy how I wish I could do this with a group of people even a few who are blood relatives. Apart from the difficulties they face in the African jungle with heat, not much food, trials that test them, being away from familiar comforts and family. They are developing close bonds with each other because they are forced together and to make it work you have to think of the other tribe mates around you. How I wish some people I know could benefit from this sort of close living where you had to rely on each other and get to really know the other people. How it would change the distance that eludes and robs us of so much. I just see that the way we are living isn’t really connecting us.

I can understand how it feels that I am not cared for and it’s perhaps how others feel too? But how does one change things? How do you in the normal every day life get closer to each other? Sometimes people have shut doors quite clearly to me. It seems they do not really want or value or need my company. I know that works two ways. But how do you change it? How do you get up one day and show you care in a way that makes the other person feel it and start to open their heart to you?

I don’t know. I love writing and I am glad I did it today. Fear squeezes out hope and strength but also makes you have to do something to either escape it or face it. It belittles you and raises its ugly head and says nothing you do will make a difference so why waste your breath and thoughts trying. You lose face or you have a go at beating it.

To face this fear I suppose I need to do something towards others. I cannot wait for the mountain to come to Mohammad. I have to be Mohammad and move towards the mountain. Show others I am interested in their lives. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. It doesn’t mean it will come back to me but it means I have done something to bring about a change or to open a door towards inviting deeper connections.

It may not mean people ask me about my daily life, writing, art or thoughts. 🙂 It has never really been about that it’s more deeper  connections I seek. It’s funny how this fear has turned right around as I wrote about it. So that now I am facing not others or lack of others but facing myself. I am looking at what I can do to put myself in the best place for people to see that I do care. It is indeed making the difference.. Ha ha.. Full circle.. Who’d of thought that through my writing the answer would appear.

 

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DAY 23 – DIG DEEPER:

How do you deal with perfectionism? Do you suffer from it to some extent? How do you overcome the idea of perfect or the sense of not good enough?

 
I DO NOT STRUGGLE WITH PERFECTIONISM!! EVER!!!!

 
I swing in the other extreme. Why bother trying hard if nobody notices anyway or if all they do is criticize and tell you HOW they do it. I enjoy doing things my own way. Not feeling forced or I am in a competition or under expectation. But I tend to take on board the comparison between myself and others even if I am not worried about it. Even though this is who I am. I don’t easily live it. Feel I have to explain myself for everything.
I am not trying to impress people at all but I do desire people to notice me though and I truly am not trying to irritate them or make their lives harder. I cannot be easily around people who do not respect me for who I am. You can think what you like and will but my life is my choice just like your life is your choice. That is a respect everyone deserves. I want to dig my heels in. Be rebellious in the doing nothing 🙂
I have to be honest about that.
I suppose it’s a sense of not good enough. It runs deeper than that. It is a standard I suppose that most everyone keeps intentionally or unintentionally. I don’t feel I ever meet that standard. So I let a lot of it go. I think back to when it started. It was abuse towards me or constant putting down of who I am and what I wanted and how I lived. Slowly eroded my sense of self. It was difficult to live with knowing others were always better than me. I felt less and less able to cope and instead of holding it in a safe place and seeing it was more about the person who said to me than me. I took it all within and let it take me down with it.

 
It is a difficult thing to look back at but it is important. I used to keep up with housework, be more social and I never compared myself with others and I never really got anal about how others did it. But little by little I would be hurting over something and do things a little less than normal to make it easier on myself because I am an emotional soul and dealing with the emotional impact on me took a toll. But as I took it inside myself more and more I lived less and less as I normally did. One of the key things that worked its evil on me was the words. “It’s not about you.” I heard that so often that I started to truly take myself out of the equation altogether.
The gradual eroding of my confidence in myself and what I was doing forced me to lose interest in keeping up appearances at all. I was trying to survive instead of living my life and finding joy in the everyday and just being who I was. I am not going to lay blame on people because I cannot go back and neither can they. I will tell the truth. I should have not taken on board what they were saying the way that I did. But I took it to heart and my heart broke bit by bit.

 
It does still affect me if I focus on anyone but myself. Which is a really ironic thing. You see as a believer in God it is hammered into us. Not to think of ourselves but think only of others. Turn the other cheek sort of thing. This teaching really did not help me find my way at all and it made the ride to losing myself much much quicker. But we live in our bodies.. God gave us bodies. Gave us minds, emotions and hearts. We are to use them!! We should very much value ourselves and I don’t think you can value anyone else till you know your immense worth to GOD and yourself.

 
I still keep away from ‘perfect’ people because quite frankly they are never comfortable around me and you always feel their displeasure.
I am more comfortable around people who are themselves whether perfectionists or not. People who couldn’t give a shit what others think. Yes I swear here but I am trying to explain that this mentality is helpful for me. To let go of what others think and what others do and enjoy inner peace and find life itself.

 
Even if I fall below that ‘standard’ that others have. To be honest there is no standard. People do what people do. Some are much better at the doing and there is nothing wrong with that. But even if your not good at some things or much at all it’s ok and I am going to believe I am enough as I am even with my imperfections glaringly obvious. When I know in my core I am good enough without adding or taking away. I can rest and be content with my lot and I can make changes and be confident in myself that it is good thing but it will always be at my own pace and choice not because others think I should or that I would be better doing it this way or that.

 

I can look outward as well as inward. See myself and my place in the world as important and value others too and there is more energy within me to work on things, set myself goals and put my time into what matters to me and to those around me. What others think has to be water off a ducks back. It’s taken a long time to realize this. You cannot live to please people. You have to find your own way through and accept yourself and that people do not have to like you or want to be around you. Not be destroyed by what others do and not do but find your peace with the total you at any given time.

 

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