Category Archives: Being Real

My weakness

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My Weakness

I have not faired well in time of lock-down. You know the staying at home while the pandemic circulates the globe. When I say faired well I have been extremely lazy. I am not a highly motivated person even a moderately motivated person. I am at the lower end of any kind of scale on every level. I would think perhaps only the art wise scale I might be a little higher.

Art wise I have done some digital work and I am seeing improvement there and thankfully I am keeping that up.

I want to write and journal and thrill people with my writing skills it’s my favourite thing to do. Its just I have not found that easy.

I keep a diary the old book style and I am sad to say there are very few entries in that for 2020 😦 and that disappoints me. When I say thrill I find writing easier to flow with when I want to share things. Like my hearing loss/deafness there seems also a disability that hampers me in my communication skills in connecting with others via my writing and it is extremely disheartening.

Obviously in lock down you cannot see people. Well in my normal life I do not see people. But sadly even currently on-line and I am there every day.

Connections are not flowing here either. The one person online I do chat with. Its been probably our lowest period of chatting ever. The less you say… the less you do say. And it possibly is a miracle I can even write this right now. I think since my last blog post.. 25th April this will be the longest I have expressed myself except for long hours of digital painting but I don’t know painting just doesn’t say enough. But at least its something..

When nothing flows. No desire to speak or write even though I am still a feeling expressive soul you are really just existing.

I want too.. I mean I am aware of it. Just so easy to switch on Netflix or any other platform and watch it. I am so grateful for that though. Netflix, Stan, 7Plus which is Australian all have deaf captions and I enjoy watching people communicate and understand everything they are saying. It is almost like being around people and I do enjoy it. Soak in it. Enjoy the stories, get lost in it. Makes me feel part of something again. Something more then just myself. And it is an ease and there is no struggle to understand and I do not have to work at it or pursue people and wait for replies. Quite a few I text and message just do not answer. I think hearing people just do not put the same emphasis on how important answering texts and messages is to someone who cannot communicate in many other ways. I want to get frustrated with them.. But I fear they will stop altogether.

This magnetic poetry took ages. Just to write it first. And I wrote it first on my notes ap on my iphone. I wanted to get down how I am feeling as honestly as I can be it however it comes I cannot be picky. Its good for me to be honest somewhere. Its like I am breaking out of that big heavy prison that stifles my expressive soul. Then I had to condense it down to fit into a poem plus make it possible to display with as many words of my magnetic poetry sets as I can find. I have a spare few sheets of magnetic white paper that I can write a few words on that I do not have. You have no idea how much effort goes into getting this sort of thing out there. It really is a sludge match these days. It is probably why I am so lazy because it really is so much work. Not to even mention when expressions are expressed that connection is hoped for too but so often that is impossibly hard to come by. Lol but I push on.. Push out.. I do it mostly because I enjoy it. I feel accomplished when I share things. It helps my daily life immensely. Despite my influx of digital art. Writing is my preferred medium.

So this is my soul expressed here.. Imperfect. I am not sure if others would admire imperfect sharing but it is what it is and I am brave just putting writing art out at all. Always my hope is.. That HIS presence/spirit/strength which is the LORD with me always is shown.. It is not religious at all in the words I’ve chosen. I am not religious though.. As in outwardly.. BUT IT IS HIS strength that I will speak about here because though miniscule as my faith might be I still have faith. I truly believe HE is with me and there is some greater reason for it all. And that ANYTHING good in me.. HE is the source of it. I do recognize a contentment in myself.. A sense of being held. A peace.. I have not felt anxious. I have not given up. I do not cry often as I used too. I can sleep ok. I am not worried about anything really. I am not feeling hopeless. Many things I can still be thankful for.

Just as the title above says.. I am weak and not physically well put together, and I have little output…

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I do not have ducks. I do not have a row. I have squirrels, and they’re at a rave.

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2 Corinthians 12:9 Amplified Bible (AMP)
9 but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.

See My Heart

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((Warning long post.. it’s in depth sharing about poem..))

I was amazed how quickly this magnetic poem appeared. The image behind it is from a magazine I think it was a surfing one not sure..

I tear out and cut out images all the time and use them and store them. So if anyone recognizes it and the photographer let me know so I can credit them.

As soon as I saw it the image resonated with my heart. I had it on my wall for a little while then tucked it away with plans to do something in the future but didn’t know quite what at the time.

I don’t know if I have been stalling or putting off or there is a right time and today was that time. But I have known for quite a while I want to share my heart with my sister. She has been trying to connect in small ways but my heart has not known how to reply. I know I know just do it eh.. I only wish it was that simple. Art has been my bridge to the world so it makes sense today that I could easily write a poem and then share it here on my blog because this is where my heart can be more freely seen. I am comfortable writing and expressing myself this way. Face to Face definitely not.

At the moment of writing I do not intend to post it directly to my sister or share on my face book where she can see it or anyone else for that matter. Maybe after I finish and draft it up pray first before I decide what to do with it and whom sees it. My blog doesn’t get much attention but if one wanted to know my heart it is available 24/7. Even if I post a link to it on face book it doesn’t mean it will be seen but if I pray I can trust God it is seen by anyone that needs to see it. I think sometimes I just needed to share for the sake of sharing. Where no one is forced to read it only by choice would they read it so I can be free to share as much or as little as I wish.

Update.. I told my sister about this poem and writing and said that I wish to share with her. No reply for 9 days. So it appears my sister is not interested. I’m glad I approached her first.. I have peace to share here now.

It is sort of an indirect way but a comfortable way also its a necessity to express how I am feeling and I function better in every area of life when I can do this. Never intended as a direct message to anyone rather it is an expression of my heart about something that has been on my heart but in no other way have I been able to deal with it or move forward.. It is my way to face it I suppose.

I cannot sit down with a counselor or anyone much because of deafness.. I cannot deaf sign either so I cannot invite an interpreter to help in a counseling session or conversation. So I cannot really communicate well enough to get the full benefit of getting things out safely that way. It has to be where I can flow and also a safe place to do so. I used to be able to share easily but the flow dried up over the years when difficulties kept coming at me and I lost contact with so many people even though I have been active on social media. Art has been a salvation of sorts but you have to keep at it and there has been many days when I could not even be bothered doing that and it was mere survival art and creativity to keep myself active rather then my soul story working for me on a page to propel me forward or connect.

In case you think this is better said directly then written. I have tried many many times in the past to say how I feel. Our family like my parents and siblings we just don’t do private sharing amongst ourselves well I have not experienced it much its chit chat but for me never as deep as I need it to be. I do not know if that stems from our religious beliefs or that is just how we have always been. I know in Christian circles it seems to be a lack of faith or even that we have unforgiveness in our heart if we dare to speak of past things or ongoing struggles with people etc.. Between God and us or them only??? Of course deafness doesn’t help either.

Last year when I broke down one of the things I did was write things on a piece of paper.. Things I needed healing over and people I needed to forgive etc.. I did that then burnt it. I do believe I forgave people and I was surprised what came out of the inside of me.. BUT.. It appears to me that there is something more needed here.. I realise even if others can’t or do not wish it I need to connect and be open hearted and in some way have something come back to me I mean how can anyone build on intimacy or grow in a relationship where there is no give and take.. I feel even if nobody replies I am at least making an effort to keep speaking even if it stays one sided.

To speak or share with others or just being human that way I do not know but I have not found my place with even my own close loved ones and believe me I have been on my knees and crying praying much about it. I do know I am not perfect nor have followed the path of religion the same as many I know even my own close loved ones but it doesn’t mean I do not have faith or I do not wish to be interested in their personal lives..

I just express my faith and soul differently thats all.. But before God HE knows my heart on this I have been led by HIS Spirit and sense that GOD is leading and it may not be how everyone else would do it. Or think I should.. But before GOD I do find peace and strength and hope and help and support and HIS hearing me I worship in Spirit and truth rather then in a physical capacity so I suppose I do understand why people have lost touch.. I do find my joy here.. Deep sharing though does take a toll even when it is how you are created. Nothing was meant to be just for only one.. I felt exhausted after writing this & it’s been sitting since end of last month..

In Spirit I feel God and I can do impossible things.. I know God’s power in my weak state.. I believe God is with me and it gives me hope.. When you lose contact with everyone else though and how they worship and communicate and do it differently, it can feel a lonely road you travel.. But you know that the very reason you are surviving it and continuing to look up is because HE is empowering you otherwise you’d have collapsed a long time ago.

I do not know but heart sharing has always been my way forward and when I didn’t find an environment where I felt able or safe or not weeird in my doing so.. I kept things to myself or shared them online and started telling GOD everything.. I stepped backwards from all I once knew. My sister herself said I closed my heart but if I did it was not for lack of trying and I can honestly say before GOD my heart many many times was an open book and I was painfully honest to my own detriment publicly. Sharing openly online my heart was an open book perhaps that is why so many stepped back physically too because I was kind of bleeding and doing things differently and it was raw and radical at times.

I just got frustrated that it seemed to be I got to point that people didn’t want to hear it, couldn’t think of what to say back or I was failing to say things the right way.. I seriously don’t know why and I found less and less people to talk too and then meanwhile my hearing deteriorated? I mean I was truly in a world on my own.. The less you talk like others the harder it is to say it normally and the more you flouder when you do try.. impossible much.

Like a tap that has had no flow sometimes you need to turn it on and let the crap flush before a good steady stream comes flowing out of it once again. I feel exactly the same except its going to be murky and messy till I can find that flow again. I felt judged and unsafe and extremely awkward so it comes in spits and starts and well its not pretty like that or beautifully expressed and it is definitely not perfect.. as if it ever could be.. It’s not my truth either if I cannot be free to be myself and especially if I am not believed or I feel judged.. I clam up. I give up. I start to internalize it.

I know it is part of how I am created that I struggle with only daily chit chat and going on as if everything is rainbows and unicorns.. I cannot easily do it so if I desire deeper and healthy sharing and lets face it just sharing because that is who I am.. I flail to even be civil when someone is pushing on me but not really speaking anything I can relate too..

I hate that because I do not want to be mean and unkind and seem disinterested but if you have to talk about anything other then what’s in your heart it to me feels very fake.

Because in order to be me the tap needs running to flow again and if people won’t wait for it to clear well you never really get anywhere and I get that people do not want to be around a half hearted person or a full on person that is conversing in a different way then what they are used too..

My wish is that in my art my whole heart is seen and that I find connection this way and there may be some understanding.. Art has been extremely helpful in all of this a true and vital God send way to express what I can’t the normal ways..

And I do not think forgiveness just means period end of chapter either. Burn the book. Even resurrected Jesus has scars from what HE went through on behalf of mankind. It is normal to close the chapter yes and move forward to the next. But every chapter is a part of the whole story even if you burn that book or never reread it. Those things still happened and even if you forgive you never forget. Everything we go through is part of what brought us to this place in our life and made us who we are today.

I know I can find peace for extremely hard things this has been my salvation too. BUT I cannot find peace with anyone else if there is not a baseline of truth and I do not know why I sense this has not been the case with my sister and I maybe the only one that believes that in my heart because outwardly it can look so different and its not that I do not want peace or am struggling against making it.

My former husband fell out of love with me and told me this and although hard to hear I respected him very much for that. I could survive that. We have peace. This with my sister has been very different and in the most part unspeakable.

So I wrote this poem using a small magnetic kit that has very limited words etc.. I mean it’s not the usual kits I use where I have built up an extensive selection of words. It was a kit I bought at Spotlight that is smaller then my other magnetic poetry sets and has very basic type words..

But that it has fewer words was a challenge to say what I felt with limitations through this set I love love love that it came quite easily and it really says something to me that I have learned and grown through all this to express myself even through challenges and limitations.. I think that really says that the timing is right to write this and it all fits..

I have had to make incredibly hard choices to get to this place. I have felt alone. Unsupported. Unable to say easily how I feel and make connections that keep me socially relevant and given me the confidence to work through it. I feel I have been gagged a long long time at least in ways that I needed to feel believed and supported to heal and find my place in the world again especially amongst my own family.

At this point I have not felt heard by those who could have supported me and cared for my heart. If I had had that I do not believe this would have been such a long and lonely journey and I wouldn’t have so much to say. But in saying all this I know in the Kingdom of God nothing is wasted. No experience is beyond Gods capacity to use it for good.

Right after I finished writing that poem I noticed this little message displayed in my bedroom.. Image added below the poem which says..

This I believe that truth will set free. (Created by artist Mandy Steward)

And I know seeing this straight after I finished it that GOD is with me in this and although I so wish I could just go ahead like normal and say nothing more about the past.. just say hi how are you etc..

Ohh how I wish that were the case.. That I wasn’t the one to be messy, putting my heart out there AGAIN.. And I was this neat, normal little person who does things like everyone else and doesn’t stand out or make waves or think it was all about me when I never have but that the circumstances have made me cry out loudly and keep crying out to be heard..

Alas I can only be myself.. do as my heart is fitted to do and that is share my truth.. He knows.. I believe despite everything that I have done the best I knew to do under the circumstances and I am so glad I found a way forward which I believe HE has empowered me to do when I felt like there was no way forward. My deepest hope is I am met on this journey and there is peace on all sides and it is meaningful and beneficial for all concerned.

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In Peace Will I Lay Down And Sleep

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In peace I will lay down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Ps 4:8

This digital art work makes me feel really good. I showed the kids last night and they knew it was a representative of myself. Well they said it was me.. But I am not that skinny lol and I use creative license.. I sleep under the covers most times but I am making myself vulnerable here so you see the whole of me as I am.

I want to keep my art expression real as I want my whole life to be. I spend a lot of time in my bedroom and on this bed. Sitting or sleeping.

The main reason for this art piece is not just a kind of selfie I want to share an experience of the divine while sleeping\resting on this bed. I want to be vulnerable in the telling because that is who I am. I want to show myself as I am, where I am and how I am but also I do pray that in the vulnerability you see something more then just me.

The other night I was lying in my bed much like this with my things on the bed beside me and yes I have creative license to make it look the way it looks. To be honest there is usually more stuff then that on my bed and can be in piles in my room around my bed. I have become more of a hoarder in my older years.

My phone and ipad are usually very close to me always. My phone particularly and not for phone calls but to text and keep in touch with the world through social media and I use it for so many things as well as reading and looking at art of all kinds. This bed is the same bed I have slept in since we bought it in 2000 or thereabouts after coming home to Victoria from Western Australia. We had to furnish a whole house and needed a bed. Queen size and I used to share it with my husband and can you believe its been 10 years since I was married.

So it has not always been a happy place to lie in as a single woman because I miss someone beside me. To snuggle up to at night. Being in this bed I am reminded of the past and what I do not have. I feel my aloneness. My singleness. So the other night as I lay here with all my stuff and those thoughts come.. When you ponder where you are in life. How you are feeling. What has happened to you to get you to this point. I was painfully aware of being single. Being deaf and on disability and living with limited means. Of living in a shared house. Of frustrations to be myself amongst close relationships. Of my body aging.. I was aware of my introversion. The struggle to be motivated…. Etc.. And as anyone would know the list goes on.. You lie there and lay your life or lack of life out in your mind and yes lol most of the hardest and most difficult parts are premiering.. My head was reeling with all my lacks and frustrations.

But wonderfully and the absolute reason for this whole sharing is I was also incredibly aware of a deep sense of peace within. I have felt this before. Once years ago leaning against a toilet door around that danger time of 5:30 ish for a parent when you’ve got a house full of kids and they all want you but you have a full evening before you can relax and rest up. I think there was even little hands trying to get in under the crack of the door.. Trying to find me.. I realized that I still had energy and was still going even though in those days I used to stay up way too late and Justin worked so much and we had struggles with each other even back then.. I recognized that peace and that I was being helped despite myself and it had nothing to do with me.

Another experience was during the time baby Tyler was ill and in ICU in hospital. It was during a very stressful and difficult time in my life when I wanted to escape into music that normally would make me cry and release emotions but I couldn’t cry and I didn’t know why but it was that peace within that kept me calm and still and when the realization came it is an incredible moment like you are suddenly face to face with God and all those hard things just sort of melt away.. And so again I was just suddenly transfixed by it and still am incredibly comforted yes in this bed as I am with all that I have experienced in my life. The thing about this peace is once you have experienced it you do not forget it and it can help you again when you remember!!! You instantly recognize that it is other worldly well at least I do.. HE himself has said it surpasses our understanding.. I think tribulations make it even more recognizable.

This peace comes again despite me and I would be remiss to say I have not contributed to how I am but I do not take credit for this peace. Much has happened to me out of my control, other things I just don’t work at changing. Other things again I just accept and some might call it laziness and I can be very lazy, others might say depression or a giving up. I don’t label it but I know that I have lost a lot of energy for much and live pretty basically and do minimal rather then maximum. I concentrate on spiritual rather then flesh.

This peace is not due to great faith I would not say I have great faith. I have faith yes. I acknowledge God yes. But I do not live as a majority who I know profess faith and live. I do not pretend to be someone I am not. But I believe and know God with me. I do not follow people or go to a weekly place of worship perse but look to God where I am and as I am and that can be 24\7 but not all the time it is rather I am aware of HIM always HE is the reason for everything. This peace is just so deep and so beautiful and again I HAVE to share it. I don’t even think of the fact that maybe few if anyone will read it though for peace sake I hope everyone does because this would help anyone whose life is difficult and how much does our world need peace.

Maybe the art will be seen simply because its colorful and stands out on social media and it might attract attention. People seem to notice art much more then writing but unless you know my heart the art is just a pretty bright digital art piece and oh LORD I hope my heart where you dwell is seen and people might want to think about you or find you. Amen and amen..

I truly hope others would find this peace and it isn’t to do with me. I do pray but its spasmodic. It isn’t cause I am any special kind of person because I am not. But that peace which is HIS presence is with us all you need do is to be aware and seek HIM for his sake HE says seek and you will find.

If I kept focusing on the troubles it be easy to be depressed because its been such an impossible struggle to live as I believe and share my heart which is my way in the world. To be even able to communicate normally and deeply when the world isn’t that way then being deaf on top its a cruel and difficult thing. I shared my heart with a loved one not long ago, no response as yet and that happens so much. I even wrote to them answer only when you can but I wonder you know why someone who says they love me as I am has no answer even if its to say well I need time or to think or I have no answer . I give people that option now not to respond not that I don’t want them too I do but I would rather feel more apt to invite non response then have it happen anyway and just live on as if that is normal. Such is my life.

That I do experience peace when I cannot communicate normally and struggle with it and there isn’t much coming back to me is incredibly affirming because I have not had to do anything special to receive it.. Bless God.. I feel so loved, so valued even as I am and especially as I am. I just look to HIM as I am that’s it. I talk to HIM as I am that’s it. I do find comfort in some scriptures which is HIS word to us. I have many that I know off by heart and I can thank my upbringing and many faithful Christians for teaching me to memorize it and store it in my heart.

It is this one that comforted me on my bed the other night.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 this is the King James Version because that is what I know..

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed but not in despair. Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

We are troubled on every side not distressed.. Makes me tear up.. Not distressed.. Because HE is with us.. HIS peace is perfect despite our imperfections and it comes to us right where we are.

I want to show myself in my pj’s I often stay in them for hours.. I love reading.. Writing.. Art.. Watching TV series and discussions and people speaking and living as their characters and in other worlds, true life stories and documentaries.. because I can read every word via deaf captions.. I feel like I am in the world again because they are living and loving and breathing, there is give and take..sharing back and forth and I can understand every word!!! I do not feel condemned doing art, watching TV, using social media and keeping a blog. Sharing my heart and my faith because that makes me happy and free and I am feeling a part of the world and we are supposed to share our faith. So even as an introvert with my things around me.. I am aware of HIS love and HIS abiding peace and I feel held. I just want everyone that feels different or struggles in this world to know that GOD loves you and will help you through all that batters your soul and HE can give you help within to live despite frustrations on every side.

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Take Courage My Heart

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I wish I could just do art and not go into it but sometimes I just need to explain some more.. I do not even know what it means till I look at it after I create it and then think about it some.. then it amazes me how meaningful it is.

I rarely if ever plan.

This art piece came to me in pieces. It is based off a photo. A photo that means a lot to me and I always knew I would want to do an art piece on it since I took it but yeah ask my youngest daughter I am never in a hurry.

The photo was taken on recent holidays to the beach. Family holiday that included my mother, brother, sister, both my siblings families and also my 5 children! It was a fantastic time!

The photo was taken on the last day after we had already left the accomodation and actually it was because for once in my life I made a plan and that is how everyone came to be there… Coffee at the beach cafe together before taking off for home!

I did not notice the pigeon at the time.. my sister did and told me. It was sitting on a ledge above the coffee house tables in an outdoor area where the family was sitting.

White birds appearing have been a thing for me. I see it as an encouragement from GOD. It is incredibly life affirming and personal for me…

Now the reason this one really inspired me to take a photo, do an art piece and write about it is…
That only moments before I saw it I had sent a friend request to my sister via face book. We had not been connected on face book for quite some time and for years have had a distant relationship.. At my request.

That is not something I care to explain in full in this writing. I will just say that it was something I felt strongly I needed to do.. I did not take it lightly but unfortunately I do not think many people understood my side or my feelings etc.. it actually made my life harder in many ways.. But I do take pride in the fact I stood up against things that were hurting my soul and causing me harm.. I do believe I have healed up with Gods help and because I did not do the easy thing but stood against it God has rewarded me..

For all that I lost God gave me greater gains.. one of those things has been taking a whole new path in art expression which has really been birthed out of a long and difficult period of my life..

I have found my peace perse about it. And will add that I had for awhile desired to change things but it didn’t seem the right time and it was on this holiday I decided it was the right time..

And therefore that is why I decided to add my sister back on my face book and it was my quiet way to take a step towards reconciliation and strangely nobody has said anything at all about it since lol but that is very normal.

At this point only moments later my sister saw the bird.. I also added a small message to say that I thought we should keep the momentum of the holiday going but that it was totally her choice to add or not add me back.

I had simply done all this while quietly sitting at the table surrounded by family typing it out on my iPhone before hitting send.. It was actually quite a huge thing for me because Face book is a place where I can communicate without deafness robbing from me and it’s been my safe place..

But nobody noticed and that has been the way it has been all along.. I for the most part have had to deal with it alone.

So perhaps there is significance in this quiet and gentle way I dealt with it. Humanly I have no idea why nobody talks about such things but we just don’t.

I do not think Shell (nickname for Rachelle) would have even seen the request at the time and didn’t appear too for a little while after perhaps even the next day I cannot remember now.

The encouragement for me was almost straight after I made that deliberate choice Shell saw the white pigeon and told me.

I had seen a similar white pigeon on a ledge of the Darwin hospital way back in 2007 when baby Tyler was in NICU which encouraged me then too.. I think I was 6 floors up at that time..

So to see this bird after I made a huge personal choice to seek peace seemed to me a sign from GOD it was indeed the very right time.

So my art today is symbolic of GODS Spirit and presence with me and to me it’s absolutely crucial to inspire me to keep looking up and not at what is or what is not happening.. Seeing that HE is helping me when I most need it. And too of course that my sister showed me the white bird resonates that even our enemies will be at peace with us.. Not that I call or ever called my sister an enemy but I know the enemy of souls uses people close to us to cause us harm.. And the enemy has certainly tested me to the extreme limits through a few close relationships and it hasn’t only been testing that’s come via my sister but with myself and her it got to the point I just broke down because the spirit I struggled with in a previous close relationship was attacking me through her as well. It was too similar and I couldn’t bear up under it any more.

Definitely seeing this bird at such a time shows me HIS peace and that I can trust the decision I made.. HE has never made me feel wrong in taking the stand I did rather people made me feel wrong.. I felt peace thankfully even when so many appeared to turn their backs on me and I lost support that perhaps could have helped me find strength and fortitude much much sooner..

I was broken.. and I needed to heal.. But true healing can only really come through God alone.

But I cannot keep looking backwards and surmise as it does not do one any good.. I tend to move forward and simply let go and let God.. The sign to me I was doing the right thing at the right time even despite the hardships has always been peace in my spirit.. I have never lost that since this moment above, nor have I felt anxious! I just tend to look to God not people.

There was a light bulb lit just like this below the bird on the day and in the photo too of course.. which I so love that I can capture this in my art piece.. His light with me. His presence and also symbolic that my prayer and heart cry has always been for my light to so shine and I believe for all that has happened the darkness has definitely not overcome me!!!

A very good sign to have the light shining in this art piece and it symbolizes that GOD has always been my guide and always will be and HE will take care of all things that have not been addressed re my past and that seemed an invisible battle to almost everyone and that nobody even seems to have noticed much then or now… but I take heart that they are certainly important to HIM and I can find complete rest for all things.

And wonderfully I want to and can share it now.. even if nobody knows the greater why..

One last note.. it is also my wedding anniversary today or would have been.

29 years since I married on this very date.. 10 years of being single ohh lol.. which is not so fun.. it’s hard I get lonely.. I find it hard at times seeing others celebrating love and all that and keep it to myself now cause I do not wish to take away any of someone else’s good feelings..

I wanted to stay married but my then husband did not.. it worked out though as we were not happy together and we are better friends now.. I’m just thinking about the date today and all that it means to me.. nobody has said anything.. just me thinking so this art piece comforts me today too.. God was with me in my past, is with me now in my present, & He is also already in my future so I can cherish the peace I experience and treasure these moments in my heart and from all this my heart takes courage..

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It wrote itself

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I’m reading a book called ‘Poem Crazy: Freeing Your Life With Words by Susan Goldsmith Wooldridge. Was encouraged to read some poems by e. e. cummimgs and then let a poem write itself. I did so and based mine from the start in my own words of course from one of his poems…

His poem started off..

You are tired,

(I think)

Of the always puzzle of living and doing;

And so am I….

Then it just kind of developed from that point.. influenced by said poem but also now I’m letting it flow onwards using my life, and feelings etc to write my own poem or at least let the poem write itself..

Here is my try below.. it’s not a love poem perse.. e.e cummings poem is a love poem.. Mine is more about the most important relationship of my life (apart from children & family).

One that has kept me going more then any other in these latter years … because with declining hearing, being single again in middle age.. isolation from hardships in life and being an introvert. Lol great combination eh.. I’ve desperately needed social contact and someone to talk too daily. But also someone who I can talk faith too who is open to that as well someone who lets me share what I need and what is important to me. I know it’s been similar back to them and also helped them in their life.. definitely not one sided!

It’s meant for myself I didn’t just completely lose contact with the human world and give up altogether..

I am extremely thankful to God for this relationship..

– – –

I am tired,
(I know)
Of always perceiving what life could be.
In the here and now.
And so are you.
I don’t want to be alone.
It would make such a difference not to be.
We have bonded because of this.
(You know)
We have shared understanding.
Even across the ocean.
A real connection.
Both have struggles.
Different points of view.
Yet still there is something to be said every day.
Burdens shared.
Means we both return. 
To what has stood through testing.
A meaningful relationship is possible.
What does it mean for the physical loneliness?
Could there be something more?
This spiritual frequency.
Me to you.. 
You to me.
Is strong.
This continual seeking the other out. 
To be grateful.
That I am.
You are too.
It’s just I’m thinking.
One and one still makes one.
Maybe that is the clue.
Can’t go back to what was past. 
Or meet what is not present.
But we can make a new connection for the future.
One where distance is erased. 
You and me?
Or someone else?
No matter whom.
But just think….
To have the same closeness.
(What we both know)
Imagine that face to face!
One and one could also mean.
No longer one but two!!

– – –

Delta and some lol….

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‘Delta’ is my newest art piece and it is real nice giving it a name like normal artists do.. 🙂 Also it is really fulfilling to sign my initials on my art piece too.. I get why artists do that now.

Delta is my former husbands doggie.. and she’s a fully fledged member of our family. She has accepted me as if I belonged there and that is the wonderful thing about Justin and I we are at home both together and apart. I think personally Delta was sent from heaven lol because she has just helped me heal and we all love her.

I even did some research on the meaning of her name late last night.

Now it depends where you source the name but I found on my search..

Delta

  1. the fourth letter of the Greek alphabet.  translated as ‘d’

Which resonates with me as online my name is Peacechild4

Another meaning is – a change in a figure or amount..

Change.. wow that struck me. Our whole family changed when Justin and I separated and then ended up getting a divorce.. Different homes.. different paths etc.. it did change us all. Justin’s life has also changed of recent too with surgery and he has lost a massive amount of weight (figure fits here) . He is honestly a different person now in many ways so that is a big change. I see that Delta helps him for company sake and also he loves taking her walking or rather she takes him.. She gets so excited! I do not think he could not take her now.. lol.

I see that we have all been changed by having Delta around. Unconditional love does that doesn’t it. New life.. new member of the family changes the whole family dynamic for sure.

I have truly not worked on an art piece like this ever to the intensity as this one. It is digitally drawn on my Ipad using an art ap called Procreate. I used a 6b pencil brush (with an apple pencil) for most of it I think. You can zoom in close to do very fine details and I learnt so much doing that also what not to do lol. So I am sure next time it will be quicker. I felt my intuition kicked in which is so inspiring. I wasn’t just copying but actually found myself thinking constructively about how things looked and moved beyond just seeing but to creating what I somehow knew worked and in doing so I found my own way to get it done. That surprised me.

Usually I post everything or almost everything straight to face book but I am not going to do that today. This blog post will be shared yes. But I just feel if people actually want to see this they should work a little too.. My writing is important to me too and for a long time not so much support here and I really think I need to pull back on sharing creative arts that get not much back and not because there is no attention its just that putting your heart out is tiring even when you enjoy it and when you are constantly doing it and I can be honest.. It does hurt to get little back and it makes you want to retreat and I have done enough of that .. It’s not that I expect people to read it as I find many times I too cannot be bothered with long reading sadly because I myself can go on and on lol and I think in this modern age we get used to instant and tid-bits here and there and you do need to devote time to reading longer things and be in the habit and right mindset.

I just think this creativity is work for me even though I don’t get paid and I think anyone appreciates something better if you work for it a bit lol. It makes you value the work, time spent and effort that much more.. so although there is danger in placing these thoughts further down the page where they might not be seen..  It helps me know where people are at.. myself included..

It is just that I can actually see who comes here and that is encouraging but it also helps me if people are coming to want to keep creating and THAT support is so vital to being all that I can be.. Not just that I am gaining skills but I can be given support and any support means more art and more encouragement and that is actually an important need that others can help with.. Without support many people give up I know I have pushed on many, many times with little support but everything is harder unfortunately.. I know I have struggled a lot and I do not want retreating to be my only go-to..  I have learned I need people and that people need me too and I do have something to give…

I know it is about facing the front and doing the work and I am proud of myself that I’m doing just that and especially glad there are improvements I can personally see and not just in my art but also my self confidence is growing and I am facing life differently.

One other thing I want to say as I share this art piece is I am learning so much more about GOD too.. I don’t mean to just tack this on the bottom of my writing. But all the time spent honing in on my art I forget all my concerns and I just reread my last blog post here and oh wow I have come even a ways since then..

There has of course been times since that post when I have had sleepless nights but thankfully lately I am sleeping better. Ohh what a blessing a good nights sleep is. Reading on face book I have quite a few people on my prayer list for good sleep.. it seems quite a few suffer. It truly robs you and the amount of energy you have for a normal day. I have had some nightmares at times too. I have also had to go through days and deal with anxiety which also lately has been non-existent. Anxiety truly makes the days harder when you deal with it on top of normal life.. So much more I could write but this post is about the art.. Doing the art has helped enormously. For that I am so thankful.  I did lose my joy for awhile but it is returning..

Just like with digital art you learn and I am still learning how to blend.. GOD is the master blender. HE can take two sides and bring them together like nobody else can and nothing else can. Seamlessly.. When you look at the art normally you see it one way but when you look up very closely you can see all these different coloured pixels that do not match well at least I do.. arghh lol and I have spent ages going over this art trying to get it as perfect as I could. There will always be pixels that aren’t right in my art I am afraid.. but I did the best I could despite at times not really knowing what I was doing.. You can mess up so easily but thankfully with layers in digital art you have some modern help and I love the erase and also the rewind and forward buttons.. Probably not called that in real life but you can wind back to something you previously did if you stuff up and that is immensely helpful.

At 6:24am this morning I wrote that through blending pixels in my digital art GOD was healing me.. showing me that it ok to take my time to heal and that HE knows all that isn’t perfect in my life and HE still loves me and accepts me and still calls me HIS masterpiece.. That is ok to go back and face something and then move on and let it go as if it never happened because to HIM when you face it HIS way it is finished with.. gone.. nada.. And when I was satisfied with it even with a few or more pixels not quite right.. I signed my name.. gave my art piece a name and it was done.. I am happy and it is good.

Truth bomb..

That faults happen to us all that is why HE was perfect for us so we could live imperfectly and even enjoy it.. ❤

*****

 

 

Impossible days

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Suffering takes away pretence, fear and the need to use filters. You just want it to end period. You will do anything but the truth is.. You have so little energy and if you give up you die. I unapologetically and stubbornly adhered to faith in GOD. I pushed through when it seemed to get worse and I wanted to stop. I share cause I wish to help anyone suffering. I sympathise with you and do not want to play down how much you are personally going through this was just my journey. I want to help you find help and a way through also and I will pray for anyone who asks.

Last few days for me felt impossibly hard. Yet as I look back it seems such a drop in the bucket of any type of suffering. But it went achingly slow as I passed through it. As a believer in GOD for me it was a spiritual battle that spilled over and affected my very mind. It was hard to think about anything. My mind was thinking ridiculous things and I was losing control of it. Such a strange strange feeling. I was stomach sick same time so I was so drained. Devoid of energy. Bad dreams and not much sleep. I was zapped and felt so anxious and like a paralysis. Like having to think and move through thick treacle. So bodily tired because I was fighting mental battles in my head. Never gone through anything like this.

My mother helped with day to day running around. I probably shouldn’t have been driving but at times I couldn’t find anyone to help. I want to write this up in case anybody else is helped.

I am at the other end of it now. Still feeling weak. Like not quite myself but the mind battles have stopped.

I was constantly quoting scriptures. But at the time it was hard to speak loudly or sing praise as someone said and I did everything to the best of my ability at the time even if it sounded like a grunt to anyone else. I asked for prayers on face book. I believe they saved me from far worse. I absolutely do.

I recommitted my life to GOD.. I did everything I could think of. All the things that have worked in the past didn’t seem to touch it. I felt like screaming.. I was walking about battling in my head wondering if my family could tell. I did eventually tell my parents even wrote on face book in comments I was struggling mentally. I have never done that before and I have had many low times in the past.

I even reached out to a friend who I had not spoken too in years. Who prayed for me when baby Tyler was ill back in 1997. I just knew her prayers back then had given me such peace and helped me through an impossibly hard time and I not only knew peace for the situation back there but I was comforted for baby Tyler who also suffered.. To know that kind of peace lifted so much grief and sadness and changed a very difficult experience to something that was life changing in the best ways. I had peace complete and utter peace when even family friends were openly grieving and crying I was dry eyed and I am a normally very emotional person. God is absolutely real!! HE changes everything. But it doesn’t mean you escape suffering it just means you have hope going through it and support comes to you at times too. Not as you think it will.
You cannot order what happens you just cry out and keep crying out and I was groaning too in my spirit which is very weird but it is when you are too tired to talk but you are feeling overwhelmed and it spills into groaning type prayers from deep inside you. Sometimes ideas come to you at the time just pop into your head so I followed through many times without stopping to think about it. Good ones.. Lol there were some I wouldn’t want to admit.. Absolutely crazy and very dark.

I lost my peace in these last few days so I wanted that back and this friend was instrumental in praying for me then. That is how desperate I felt. We had lost touch and I reached out because I could not carry on mentally struggling as I was.
People cannot help you in the hardest times or at least that has happened to me this way. They can support you.. Help you.. But the ultimate help only comes from GOD who is spirit and with us always whether we are aware or not.. And there were hours at night I battled alone or it felt it and I did not feel God I actually felt very far from him.. But I knew people were praying. I sat in the darkness reading scriptures from a book on my iphone called “The Secret Power of speaking God’s word” by Joyce Meyer.. I found the book in an op shop but also have it in ebook form on my phone. I just sat in the dark reading scriptures over myself till I was too tired to read. There are times you are tired but you have to say.. Ok I have to trust I have done all I know to do. I can’t read anymore or pray anymore I am lying down. I am going to try to sleep. And sleep did come eventually. Thank YOU GOD..I just woke up at many times at night and did this over and over.. Sleep.. Wake.. Read.. Pray.. Sleep.. Wake.. Etc.. Till the morning light came.. Gosh those nights are everlasting.

I also dressed myself in the Armour of GOD.. Find in Ephesians 6 putting on each piece of armor and speaking about how it was helping me.

I have been writing prayers to Abba through another book as a devotional. But at this time I couldn’t do that.. I was too tired and not mentally capable. I probably wrote some things without filters lol on face book and to people so I do apologise to those people. I noticed my filters dropped and suddenly I was saying things without thinking ‘is this is appropriate or not’.. I remember taking Zali to work and I got to her workplace and I was freaking out. I couldn’t go anywhere.. Clammy and felt so weak and sick to my core.. She was wondering why I couldn’t function but I was struggling to do anything but sit and just wait it through till it passed which thankfully it did.

Kids gave me hugs throughout which were great. My mother helped with things. Listened and my kids sort of had to fend for themselves but they are adults thankfully.. I realise I house share with family so I do not know what other people do without that support.. So maybe I am better off this way. I still had to drive around my kids to work. Slept more.. Sat more.. Eating habits changed. This is just a few days mind you. Lol. It even sounds weird comparing this short time to what many go through days, months, years and so much worse then this… But for the short time it was incapacitating like I have never experienced before..

I mean I have gone through divorce.. Losing my hearing over many years. Being deaf with a severe loss.. Losing a child. Single motherhood.. Being isolated by ongoing difficult relationships and just trying to deal with them and what it means to my life.. My youngest sister drowned.. Etc.. I have had struggles but this was the hardest when your mind goes your whole world tips over.. It affects everything around you and I am sorry to say so much of what people suggest falls so short and I tried to be gentle about answering them when I could most times I just said thanks and I felt such compassion for people who are struggling and weak to do much but feel utterly hopeless.. You are suffering and its painful and long and lonely and you are fighting and just trying to stay with it. I was out of sync within myself. How do you explain that? I am trying here but it felt much much worse.

What it all means personally.

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Happy Easter..

I have not blogged in simply ages. I have been concentrating on art expression in visual ways and paint on paper or canvas ways. Today because it is considered one of the highest important holy days in the Christian calendar and as I did not attend a physical building I think it might be a perfect day to write and connect hopefully with others. When I say connect I mean others can read and respond or just read or ignore completely which probably happens more then not. 🙂 But it is my way to share this moment, on this day, on this occasion just in a different way then others share it. Except I am not confined to a physical location and specific time. When I post words and thoughts and any corresponding pictures it stays there and can continue to speak. That kind of tickles my fancy.. A bit thrilling cause it becomes timeless in its own way.

Just an easier place to connect for me and it is more meaningful too. Where I am not just sitting and vegetating in an environment where I am not feeling connected to others.

I cannot hear or enjoy any music, nor really join in singing or worshipping that way nor hear a good sermon or even bow in prayer and join with others cause I have no way to know what is being shared around me. Because I cannot hear it and I get distracted and I cannot enjoy it. I am not really drawn that way any longer.

I am here.. God is here and I am at peace and I can wholly immerse myself in what I am writing and flowing with here. I enjoy it.

I am so very thankful to HIM for what Easter means and I can talk about my recent painting that I didn’t get to share more about. HE continually is placing religious art and art supplies in my way and its so personal and HE is saying to me.. enjoy this journey and please express it and gladfully share it. I am here with you. So close. I have given you this way to express yourself and connect with others don’t be afraid to soak it in and you do not need to be this or that or go here and there and you do not need anyone else’s approval or to do anything different to what is on your heart and how I am leading you.. I feel so precious. So favoured and because I am online I can also share it which makes it a way to communicate too.

But it is different to the majority and it means not looking to traditional methods and it means every day reflection and inspiration not just on certain days. Every day is holy and divine but I am free to experience it in normal and every day life and also a way that is incredibly life affirming and life giving to me personally.

Religious type art expression again can set you apart and there will be only certain people who will respond to it and sometimes no one but it does sort of encourage people who are not religious to respond and take notice simply because its in art form and there is freedom there. All people can appreciate freedom well I hope they can. True freedom is what our LORD came to bring to the world in any case.

2 Corinthinans 3:17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

My art of Jesus on the cross.. was inspired by a $1 dollar purchase of a beautiful prayer book. I did intend at first to cut it up for collage and art journaling and it was cheap but I may not of course because I find it hard to cut up beautiful things. So much gorgeous art in this beautiful book as well as prayers and writings. You see when I find these things it truly is as if HE puts them in my path. Well within my budget and yes I will admit to collecting many beautiful things and also things that inspire me and I enjoy being surrounded by them…

I do not want to be so ‘religious’ as such though this would be considered religious art.. I want my art to be personal, from my core and spiritual but also approachable. To be completely honest to who I am and what I believe but also not make it so that it isn’t disrespectful to GOD and HIS presence and glory. HE is holy and grand in the grandest sense but HE is not to me a central focus where I feel I need to be like everyone else.. not that I do not need people or too belong. Just that through HIM I believe and see that I am joined to everyone else and I guess that fixed gaze does tend to keep me not drawn to different ways of living or needing to be like everyone else. Through HIM I live and find my whole being revitalised and totally at peace.

My whole reason to exist, like HE is the sun and I am simply one of the planets among a whole solar system of other planets and we are all rotating and going through our existence revolving around HIM and although each is its own separate existence we are all one because of HIM who is at the centre of all life.

Seeking HIM first and HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness (not my own) and then all these things are added to me .. my rendition of Matthew 6:33

I thought first about painting on a canvas or something blank that you could do something else with or display at a later date. But my art journal is where I am daily. It has many things in it that are all personal to me. I have not set out to make a living from my art money wise or to display it other then online. I just felt led to create it at a personal level. I had already pre-painted the background. It felt right to paint it in here. Alongside a cut up collage of a city scene in winter .. It says.. here is where I seek and find GOD in my every day life right where I am, as I am.

So I put myself in the painting looking up at HIM like I do in my personal life. Being Easter HE is on the cross and inspired by that book I just found recently so it all fits in together. I did hesitate to paint something like this because the image I am basing my painting on is so perfectly painted. By artist Rogier van der Weyden (1400 -64) Christ on the cross..

This is where I have to lose all fear. Just have a go. Let go. let GOD. I remember the other day walking around the house after painting the initial painting. I love to pray walking around lol and also I can pray doing most anything.

I was saying to God.. how minuscule what I create is.. How I live. How I appear and present myself in this world. All so miniscule. Immediately after that prayer was said my youngest son came up and offered to me a plate of my favourite snacks. It was so beautiful. Like a reward straight after and I thanked God and was at peace. I mean I tie everything in you know. So I just do my thing. I find my joy in it and good things happen to me along the way!!

This is my intention always. ***

2 Corinthians 4:7 New Living Translation
We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

and for a different slant from English Standard Version
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

So I can be unafraid even amongst the curled up pages of my art journal. My cluttered room. My introverted ways. By simple paintings.. to show you this absolute greatness of GOD that chooses to show HIMSELF through me.. ***

HE was vulnerable on the cross. At the mercy of me as an artist lol but also in life at the mercy of soldiers who didn’t care for human dignity or human suffering the cross was punishment and extremely cruel. I mean I realise they didn’t believe it was GOD right. But they would have heard the stories and maybe even witnessed miracles I do not know. I know the bible says on that day remarkable things happened. I mean this man was well known and he had followers and loved ones surrounding him. HE had stirred up a lot of people including the religious people of that day. HE was hated and HE was loved deeply.

To paint his body. HIS manly body. HIS human body. HE was probably stripped naked on that cross.. No decency here right. But I covered his maleness. I just wanted that to represent how I wish to depict truth but also not disrespect GOD or others in the process. I do not do what I do for shock value or even to disrespect others way of life. I see that modesty and honour is important. But I did start out being quite crude with my painting. I mean his arms are not right because HE was a carpenter HE would have been strong but to me the whole closeness of SPIRIT is hard because there is no touch.. there is no physical presence and I find that hard. It is lonely and I miss physical presence but faith isn’t seeing so you have to learn to trust and when you let go of the need for the physical closeness that strength and support brings.. you must find form and fortitude in weakness. So as I persisted on through my painting HIS face, heart, chest and lower body it became easier to form and paint. It was beautiful painting HIS body.. It felt freeing and I could identify with HIM as thoroughly human through this painting.. HIS suffering is beautiful to me because I have suffered and HE has become real to me in my suffering. So I am comforted.. I find hope and beauty in HIS suffering so that is how HIS thorns transformed to what appears a floral wreath.. though I did not mean that at all. I find my strength and momentum to live because HE is close to the broken hearted and HE himself was broken for me. Though HE is on the cross I believe and know HE has already overcome death, suffering and all evil and so will I.

By HIS wounds I am healed. At Easter and every day forward and back and for all eternity. I find life and not just life but abundant life.

 

 

 

 

She Remembered

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I read those words in a novel I am currently reading and they stood out and motivated me to create this art and make a perfect heading.

Absolute struggle for me personally of late and this time I have told nobody except God alone. I don’t think I have ever done that before. Especially considering the intensity of it. I had a night of disturbed sleep and very dramatic dreams and I was struggling with what it all personally meant to me. Alone with it but I went straight to GOD and it was enough!! Peace came.. An absolute complete turn around in me.

The girl or woman figure in the painting is in black and white. No colour in her world. She craves it but you cannot change things sometimes no matter how hard you want it changed. I knew immediately that she was going to be in black and white and you were only going to see half of her face. She is right there easily accessed awake and waiting. But she’s struggling.

I wanted to add these words too which were my own truth.

She fails. She hurts. She’s anxious. She doubts. She has faults. She needs.

But what strikes me in my own life as I created this is that I can so very easily interpret it right here and there is so much meaning and I don’t intend for it, or work for it or even have to think it out. But yet I am able to easily see it in what I have created that it is flowing out of me with absolute ease..

I can tell you I am not one to easily explain myself to anyone even those closest to me and yes I didn’t recently tell anyone either even though it was such an intense battle I was facing. In fact my hardest battles have mostly been fought on my own. So it is from all this that my art expression in this painting finds its outlet.. And there’s this incredible difference between flesh and spirit and how I face the world when I live via one as opposed to the other.

So my black and white portrait despite the struggle is up nice and close, even in her rawness shes not staying small. She is incredibly upfront and vulnerable but to me that is bravery. My life too has been incredibly hidden yet I believe and can see that at least art wise, creative wise I am up front.

She is looking straight ahead. I find such strength here despite the fact I am writing raw words, hard words. Even void of colour she is still head forward, eyes opened and I think very fearless.
The painting is depicting that moment where she is remembering HIM and all that HE has become to her on her journey and how when that comes into the light faults don’t even matter in fact we can be shamelessly bold. I know I quote this alot. When I am weak HE is strong but I am going to take it even a step further because the well known verse talks about being able to boast about it and that this is exactly how best HIS help is seen in us and through us.. And it is exactly how it is in my life to especially me.

But here I think you can best see the juxtapose of my painting. The frail human next to the strong figure of Jesus who is the Christ yet they stand level and together as one. In HIS rich and vivid colours HE is full of beauty, majesty and also ever present help and is accessible to me but it is not by sight but by faith so I chose to have his eyes closed because HE is my rest and my comfort and I don’t need to see him to know HIM. I also believe that I can fully trust HIM to bring together all my loose ends and all that troubles me and it will be a great ending despite some very hard and long chapters..

I know many talk of walking and talking with HIM.. Hearing HIM and even seeing HIM.. I haven’t had that to a great extent in my life. It has been a pure faith walk.. Spiritual battle that is way beyond my strength and ability to cope and even make sense of… So I find incredible fortitude when peace fills my heart despite all that comes against me and all that falls away and all I fail at. Gives me rock solid unsinkable hope.

Changes the atmosphere around me and I can find my rhythm and express my faith in a way that paints purpose into my life and I also get the joy that comes because I share that with you. I resonate also with the red colours on his face.. There is pain in HIS face mixed with royal beauty and majesty and I resonate with the suffering HE went through coming to earth to live as a fragile human to help me find and access eternal life on earth even before I die.

This painting so lifts up my spirit because its so meaningful to my life, journey and testimony but its also honest about where I am and I who I am and I hope and pray you can see HIS strength because it is absolutely life changing especially when I have been so fragile and it is radiating in me so strong and beautifully even though people close to me only partly see me and that for the most part I have felt so black and white in this world ..

I don’t want to impress people with my talents that is not my desire at all. I want to show what GOD has done to help me through my difficulties and I know my weakness shows that up better then my strengths ever could.. HE is so real to me and so present. The inspiration behind the painting.. The creative ideas came from HIM. I had nothing I was nowhere even close to creating something like this but HE just makes that much difference and the peace that comes I mean you need no props and it didn’t come from anyone else at all so anyone can have all this as well right where you are and right now as you are. I truly was all those things I wrote. I just desire with all my heart to show what HE does for the fragile soul for the soul that struggles in this world and does not understand what is going on. But who can find hope, purpose and joy just in being who I am, and encourage you to find all these as you are and through who we are created to be… faults and all.

I was struggling but when I remembered it made all the difference..

HE is
I AM
LOVE
PEACE
TRUTH
LIFE

****

“Meg, I give you your faults.”
“My faults!” Meg cried.
“Your faults.”
“But I’m always trying to get rid of my faults!”
“Yes,” Mrs. Which said. “However, I think you’ll find that they’ll come in handy on Camazotz.”

From the movie ‘Wrinkle in Time’

Something greater going on despite the weirdness

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Having doubts even writing this lol.

Why LORD why when nobody will probably read it?

But when something amazing happens the normal thing is to share it.. so in what feels an abnormal moment I will share it nevertheless.

Abnormal is what I would call my life. I know people might say I harp on about it. This life I live and being alone so much. But it’s my truth. Only recently a face book friend actually said they’d be in town, where I live and wanted to meet me. But its strange you know this person isn’t what you’d call close. A friend, acquaintance.. Someone I have known for quite a few years through our on-line group Unify and face book and I don’t remember how long or the circumstances of becoming friends either.

But that isn’t why I didn’t take him up on it. He and his wife which he didn’t actually mention but I know he is married were visiting family who live here. The thing is I hardly see a soul and being deaf means face to face is hard enough and I miss so much. I don’t really have anyone else to ask to come along with me to meet him.. like as a support. I only really see family these days. So I declined. Yes I guess seeing I am alone so much that it is rather a bad thing isn’t it to decline to see someone who actually wants to meet up.

It is just that texting on a phone or screen is easier than talking face to face and I don’t feel as comfortable in a social setting as I do texting. I will miss a lot of what is said anyway and yeah losing so much of a conversation and being uncomfortable all the time while you sit and try to work out what has been said isn’t fun.. Although I do ask people to repeat themselves sometimes that doesn’t work either and I feel so bad knowing the other person has said something to me I have no idea about what it was.. It’s not enjoyable and it doesn’t really interest me. Lol not that seeing him in person wouldn’t be good and they are not interesting.. its not about the other person perse.. I mean I love people but its frustrating for me and any good seems sucked up in anxiety.. I don’t think to be honest anyone would like to spend a few hours talking to thin air cause that is what happens yet here I am juggling the very same thing thinking why write my heart out if nobody will read it but I think at least its out in the world and can be found even years later rather then spoken once and lost forever.
I have to be honest and I do not feel that I could be my best or even half myself… meeting him. I don’t think he has ever read my blog here either and I feel he or anyone else would know me better reading here then ever you could know me face to face.. True honest.

In person I am not the same as my spirit or as I am creatively speaking. I am shy, I am introverted and I will freeze up. I will struggle to find things to talk about AND on top of all that I will be fumbling to communicate with you and struggle to hear you.. LOL it sounds like a fish out of water doesn’t it. 😀

Now I am not picking on him. But there is no chat back and forth between us regularly or even irregularly I think thats the same for most people on face book its a connection point rather then social point. You are friends you see an occasional update or too maybe comment here and there. You share your opionions and thoughts on your face book and they on theirs and you might even read up occasionally.

My fault as well it is just that if there was more contact I probably would be more inclined to be around someone even if it were a struggle. More connection.. More meaningful. More ease.. definitely a greater reason to push myself out there. I do not mean to disappoint anyone. Nor disrespect anyone. I find it very hard to be honest in these moments. But I would rather be honest then make excuses and just ditch people by not turning up or not saying how I really feel.. But as always the other person even when I’m completely honest it’s rare I know what they feel.. very few talk like I do.. so I guess that’s partly why it’s rare for me to find a connection.

In saying all that ha ha. I will get to the greater going on. My latest art piece which I have not finished by the way. And it could be rather embarrassing too because I was actually attempting to draw/paint my own brother. I have one sister and one brother on earth and one sister in heaven. My brothers photo added to show as reference.

I thought this time I should draw a guy.. the portrait before this one was a weird face guy.. it was refreshing to draw/paint a guy.. it wasn’t my usual portrait.. I especially loved drawing a character where I just had fun with freely drawing a face and letting what came come..

My own best attribute I feel is just being myself lol and not being afraid to be honest and let my imperfections show. The good and the bad..

I don’t believe I am a gifted artist. I believe I can do art and I am improving and I have talents but to be honest my art has imperfections and I never feel that I could get to the point of selling it because of this very reason. So I feel my art will mostly be just be for personal pleasure and also a beautiful freestyle vessel of communication and sharing my heart. Any artist that makes money lets be honest they are very good at what they do. There is an excellence about how they craft their talent & how they do it. And very rightly most art is pricey. Good art is and that is because it takes time and devotion and artists are worthy of that because they put their heart and soul into it.

Good artists are noticed and although some may not be appreciated in their time. All great talent is eventually realized because it wows us, it thrills us, it brings us to our knees, inspires, evokes emotions, captivates etc.. Touches and changes the world.

Now what excites me about my art isn’t so much the talent I have or that people are raving about it ha ha but what God reveals to me through HIS Spirit and though my imperfections which oh my is so empowering. I mean I literally get propelled through my life simply knowing that GOD is in this with me, no matter who else isn’t noticing… and it is because HE is with me and so supportive it gives me wings, joy overflowing and love like nobody else ever could.. All the while even though I am imperfect.. It gives me incredible fortitude.. hope spring up in my heart and I can find myself excited to share something like this even though many times the stats tell me very few and sometimes no one reads it. My art unlike my sharing here is getting more attention and it’s not the attention I’m after so much it’s that it’s a place where others come.. we meet where I share my art and I’m happy, free, not uncomfortable and I’m inspired..

It is EXACTLY this determination to press onwards where I feel and I recognise in myself that I know that I know that I know it is GOD in me. ❤ Art is not only where I communicate but where I connect best with others it’s also a place my soul/spirit senses Gods presence..

My latest art piece I have to share even unfinished because last night.. Or rather early this morning GOD was speaking to me in my half asleep time.

The picture was done digitally on an app on my ipad.

To be honest from the beginning it did not start to look like my brother and yes I was relaxed about it. Not anal. I starting erasing lines to and fro and I thought no no I want to be free with this. So I kept on drawing and not erasing. I was trying for a likeness though and sometimes in my drawings others have said they can see that likeness and I have seen that likeness for the subject but this was not one of these times. The more I worked on it the more it began to look like my on line friend Dustin in Canada. I was not thinking of him at all. But it looks like him though lol. I am not sure if that happens to any other artist? Draw one thing and it kind of morphs into something else or someone else. But even though I was using my brothers photo for a reference point and did not stop using it.. my online friend was forming in the picture and I have no idea why. Spirit surely does come and go as it wishes..

It was late at night I was drawing so I was tired and went to bed without finishing my art. I shared it with Dustin via messenger though cause he is also an artist but not a practicing artist lol he did 6 years at uni for art but hasn’t got the heart for it anymore. He is extremely talented too and very patient with me lol and I show him most everything ha ha.

It was overnight in Canada so I see now he has finally seen it. Haven’t talked to him though about it. But it wasn’t honestly about him that I was mentally aware of at the time.
The kicker is that before I went to bed I heard the Holy Spirit say. ‘There is a friend that is closer then a brother. ‘

Which is an actual scripture in the bible. And truth for me too in life because my brother Quentin and I are not close as siblings. Don’t see each other very often and very rarely talk together more than pleasantries.

Which is a complete opposite to Dustin whom I talk to via messenger every single day. Online bestie for many years and he is definitely closer to me then my brother..

Again I do not know what it means but even going back to earlier what I said about my strength being of my spirit more then my flesh or face to face. My art is showing me a far deeper and greater thing happening then simply what I am drawing or how good I am at it. Gods Spirit is right there with me in it.. in me while I am creatively expressing and I can see HE is sort of tying in my life, truth, creative expressions in what I am doing and they all sort of tumble together and come forth in ways that open my eyes to I think other worldly meanings and greater truths which I absolutely cannot keep inside myself I have to share. Isn’t that though exactly what we are meant to do though. Share our faith!!!

I am calling on GOD right now to help me remember but it’s not coming though. Seems so unfair you know when Gods Spirit was communing with me so closely in the dark hours just before sun up and it was woah… but like many dreams I have they disappear pretty soon after I wake and unless I scribble things down I soon forget..

It was early this morning in relation to my art and I think mostly it had so encouraged me that the scripture about a friend being closer to me then a brother that it came and so beautifully fitted with my art and what happened.. That it was a total God moment. This is exactly what motivates and drives me to write now. I rely on spirit and not flesh. God reminds the bible also says.. Flesh counts for noting..

I only wish I could explain just how wonderful it is to me.. I mean I literally have little use lol in this life for anyone.. Raising my children of course. A busy year for my youngest who is in final year of High School. She has a job as well. One more son at home and I run another son around to work etc who lives full time with his father. He is a grown up son though but doesn’t drive.

Not a great house keeper, do not work. Rarely leave the house lol. I do not go to church of a weekend. I cannot hear and God is with me 24/7 right here and I do get some of the social part via internet I mean I am connected to many believers in God via internet. Where I join in and pray with others. Share with others online. But mostly my life is very quiet and not much else.

I am not a motivated person. Art wise is the exception. It is where I am spiritually motivated but outwardly I am looking at what I put out into the world compared to say 5 years ago. I’d say less and less and less.. so much so that as I’ve said before it’s rare I show up on people’s radars these days..

I am not religious outward. I am different to what I used to be. How I used to post. What I used to say. How I came across.

But when GOD Spirit is right here with me. Despite all this. It is incredibly affirming, stabilizing. Peace & joy producing. Personal. Intimate. Spontaneous. Delightful actually. I literally feel my borders if there is such a thing expanding..

Perfect love drives out fear. So I can find contentment right here right now..

I love this from another artist whose magazine I receive in the mail via USA. Mandy Steward. E zine ‘Secret Message Society.’

She says.. I am further along than I thought I’d be at this point in my REVOLUTION. The words aren’t as necessary, nor is the being NOTICED. Who is left to notice?

That fits with me exactly..

I will share a picture of what she wrote..

Cause I love it. I do not have to be afraid. If God is for me who can be against me? And the wonder of it is.. GOD in me. Miracle right there. HE came as us.. Human.. To show us the KINGDOM is within. Humans. Flesh. As Spirit.

Maybe it doesn’t matter the intimate things HE was whispering to me in the early hours. They were welcomed and encouraging to my spirit and soul. They seeped down into the depths of me where I am found where few have found me and I am comforted and feel beloved and precious. Like God stopped the world just for me. Affirmed.. Held.. Loved.. Valued.. Tears come even though I do not remember word for word.. It is enough that HE came and I do not need to recall it. It is there inside me.

My art has been all about faces lately. Which does seem strange for someone who rarely is close to anyone’s face.. It tell me though something great. That Spirit is intimate.. Closer then flesh.. Face to face as lovely as it is.. Is not needed in spirit realms.

Otherwise Holy Spirit could not be our comforter and teacher. YET HE is.. In the darkest time just before sun rise HE IS with us. Speaking. I believe even to the masses who might not even acknowledge HIM.. Just like HE hovered over the void that was yet to be earth. HE is and we are in HIM. Even now as we are. There is not fear. Just believe.

Let’s face it lol

When you are aware of God so acutely you’re in the right place even if it feels the wrong place.. ❤️🕊

Numbers 6:24-26

The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace.’