Category Archives: Being Real

Beautiful Soul Spilling Freedom

Standard

It is like coming full cycle. When you create a piece of art and literally see it healing you as you create it.
Right place. Right time. Neither looking up or down. Neither being afraid of emotions or controlled by them or shut down because you cannot express them or nobody sees them. They are running unchecked, oh so free and it is the most beautiful thing in my world up till this moment.

Those tears do not symbolize sadness oh no but I have cried rivers so they are my truth. Part of my story.

They represent the healing art expression is to me. Art has given me my voice back. My power back. I have come to a place where I can be fully myself and it is a huge contentment plus.

I am not in need of anything or anyone. I love that for a deaf person I am mostly expressing the eyes and face atm and in this art piece the head/face is where it is at. Which speaks of intimacy and eyes represent windows to my soul which when expressing my emotions has kept me alive.. Art expression is powerful when I am feeling invisible, rejected, shame, powerless and I am alone & unsupported hurting more than anyone could ever know.

Which strangles the life in me when it is all shut up inside and I cannot communicate. I notice though I am not having to look straight ahead for anyone’s validation here. I am looking to what I have within me and expressing that right where I am as I am. I see incredible strength in my art today. I see bravery and I’m proud of myself that because I trusted in Gods Spirit & His Kingdom within.. I never gave up and I found a way through the madness.

I am looking to my art brush, to Holy Spirit.. to do what humanly has been impossible for me to do in my own power.

I have so enjoyed this 61 days of creating an index card daily.
Link here to what this challenge is all about. HERE..

I am on day 38 I think. I maybe a little behind the rest. But you know I took my time with this. If you only knew me personally you would know I am not a ‘take my time person’ with anything. And I mean that with sincerity. Not because I am a lay-back relaxed soul. But I do things as easily and quickly as I can. Can’t be bothered cooking or taking the time to prepare meals. The easier the better. I do not spend countless hours house cleaning or applying make up, maintaining my nails and doing my hair eek.. That is quite something for a woman to say these things.

But this art today. I took my time and it felt really good. Using my art supplies is good. It is just good all round. Because I was not being distracted but putting my heart and soul into it. I just do not always care for things as I could they have felt meaningless. A long time ago when I was struggling harder with life. I just dropped so many things to survive and which sucked energy that I needed to concentrate to staying head above water.

As time went on. I didn’t really get my heart back to much of what I dropped.. Some here and there. It is why I faded from so many radars.

So it pleases me that I can see my heart beating with meaning again. I have not blogged in ages either. But today I wanted to say more about ALL that is going on in myself which for the most part stays with me and ohh yes one online friend lol who gets a lot of it shared with them.

Art expression truly has helped me release the need to explain myself. And I have just kept up practicing drawing and painting and improving myself. I had no direction for so long oh dear. So very very long. So to see myself creating daily is cleansing to my soul and immensely purposeful.

I concentrate on what is within me to come out through my art rather than long lengthy explanations which I cannot be bothered with anyway. I mean the people around me have dwindled away in droves so I have had lots of time to hone my skills lol not that I always do. But God opened up a way for me to bring the inward out. I have mostly been alone in it. But you have to be don’t you. I can’t really concentrate on hearing as I am creating being deaf. I cannot listen to music even or have the tv on. Because I cannot catch enough of the programe by snippets of here and there. This is something hearing people take for granted. You can turn your head away and still hear. I have to be literally concentrating 100% and reading text or subtitles or your lips and I still miss so much. So its nice to just not have to try for hours while I create. Actually I lose all senses to the outside world. I think only about what I am creating.. so much peace in this..
So instead I hone in on what I am creating.. Full attention you know. These little index cards are simple and there is no end to what you could create with them. I enjoy following the tags on Instagram to see others interpretations of daily prompts. Day 38’s was palette.

I have challenged myself with the prompts but also I just so love that my spirit can so easily these days just hear a prompt and off my mind goes to bring forth different ideas in all directions. I have had more people noticing my art in this challenge then ever before. I can see the value of daily art and also what concentrated effort and joy brings forth. Immense joy to do these. Obviously the ones I pour more time into I find the most joy from.

People stopping to notice on social media and family members saying things to me when they see me. Wow!!!

I just want my art to be my heart blazing outwardly and being seen and my peace and faith and joy to be evident.. Yes even when the emotions are falling thick and fast I am not afraid anymore.. For so long I have lived a very tiny part of what’s inside of me on the outside but now the dam has broken and I am releasing what I think is my most soulful art to date.

Thank YOU Thank YOU LORD for art expression and how motivated I am in art these days I know I have had oh dear maybe years of sitting and shutting down and instead of flow reduced to dripping tap which mostly only annoys people.

I am also going to add a poem I woke up in middle of the night a few days ago to write. But I have had to change the ending today. Because putting my heart out into the world is not all that I need. I need connection too.. Connection has been my word of 2018. There is nothing like feedback, support, a word or more from people around you to give your artist heart even stronger wings then ever before. It can only get better from here…

Connection.

I write.

I create.

I live.

I feel.

To cope.

To exist.

To enjoy.

To rise. .

To be present.

To be seen.

To be heard.

To show my heart.

To bridge the gap.

Between you and me.

So instead of nothing.

There is something.

What I need.

What helps.

What comforts.

Is to know.

I am out in the world.

I am available.

It is enough.

But also it isn’t.

Not when I’m alone.

I look for you.

I wait for you.

I miss you.

I don’t want to be alone.

I need you.

I want to acknowledge your heart.

But I can’t communicate with you.

Will you meet me?

Where I can understand you too.

Please!!!!

See my art.

It is where our hearts can meet as one.

Bridge the gap.

Connection… 

****

Psalm 126:5

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!

****

Advertisements

Power Of Seeing Hope.

Standard

I have been putting off posting my latest art. But till I attend to it I can not move forward. It sits beckoning for me to share it, to talk about it before I do anything else art wise.

To be completely honest it doesn’t feel good enough to express all that I feel led to share so why bother and so I feel kind of down and stuck because I wish I were better at expressing myself to the world. But it is what I did, I enjoyed doing it and this is where I have to trust God in my feeling inadequate. I have to see hope that there is a reason for everything and that it can be for more then just me.. Not be afraid.. Go forward with my message regardless to what I am feeling now and was at the time that there is a greater reason.. So I will just be brave and share what is on my heart as it is.

I did this art piece after watching a newly added Netflix documentary about a prison in Western Australia.
“Lockdown Oz: Maximum Security.”
It moved me so much that I used some new water color pencils to try to symbolize my feelings.

The stories of many souls that had lost their way moved me deeply. Incarcerated in a prison that has a bad reputation in our country but the people that work there really do so in such a way to give prisoners a fair chance at making something of themselves with the hope to never have to return once their sentence is over. They are given opportunities with good behavior to better themselves, start a new career and find something positive to do once they are released.

Obviously if you do the crime you do the time. But still the stories, the bleakness of living in captivity amongst so many other criminals and many are hardened by difficult back grounds and not to mention the darkness of many who have known not much else then a life of crime and wrong choices. It’s sad even though the prison is built with extensive gardens and lovely grounds, being an open campus facility.

Incredibly wardens are not carrying weapons, they have a different system in place to try to combat crime by not arming those who guard the prisoners. You do forget as you watch that there are many very dangerous people living in this place because their seems so much more openness and trust then you think would be possible.

One female warden shared about a very traumatic experience in the past when a large part of the prison became a battle ground. Prison officers lost control of their prisoners in an uprise where a mass of prisoners just went berserk and took over. So much anger and pent up feelings were let lose and her life as an officer had been in great danger and jeopardy at the time. Prisoners ripped bricks out of walls and used them as missiles and ran in gangs trapping guards. It would have been incredibly scary. She survived to tell us her story..

I was amazed she didn’t give up the job altogether after coming through that riot.

The beautiful colors in the sky I couldn’t help drawing were featured towards the end of the documentary just after this same lady was speaking about all the worst of her experience.. And it seemed such tranquility and a complete opposite to the horror of what had just been shared. The air was filled with a healing presence.

I was so impressed I hit pause and took a photo with my phone.

Absolutely brilliant sunset much too beautiful for me to capture but striking enough that I wanted to try to do an art piece on it.

All the ugliness, fear, anger, depression, blood being shed, sins of the inhabitants that trapped them in this life and unfortunately drove many into such a frenzy that after this fore said riot there were lock downs in place for somewhere like 12 months afterwords.

That same female warden said this about it..

“You’d go mad. You have to virtually switch off from that. No one on the outside, unless they’ve been in here, could understand. And even when a visitor comes in and they walk around our grounds and they’re beautiful. They’ve got flowers and green grass and shady trees, and the birds are nesting. And its just paradise out there… until someone pulls out a knife and starts cutting someone’s head off, which has happened.”

Then this incredible West Australian sunset flashed on the screen and that is the picture I drew and colored as brightly as I could but yes my talent nowhere close or could match near the natural colors of Gods masterpiece creation..

The deaf captions were reading.. same time ( birds chirping) when I took the pic so it seemed very peaceful not just a pretty sky.

All that chaos shared beforehand seemed to immediately pale in comparison as these colors mesmerized with such a stunning natural display that stretched like a healing blanket out over this place and it changed the whole atmosphere and direction of the documentary.

The bible says flesh is weak I know mine is. I heard story after story of people’s struggle within Casuarina Prison and some souls will not with-last their bodies ability to conquer that flesh in this life time. They said some will get out and not long after be straight back in prison.

I paced the house praying for those whose stories I watched and of course many are within prison and never get to tell their stories and yes many very violent people no one would wish could ever walk the streets again and their stories make you shudder and it is frightening to hear.

It does seem so hopeless but then I see this exquisite sunset and even if I showed the screen shot of it on my phone it would be far better in real life.

How it comes and goes so quickly, the size and expanse of it as it floods the coming night time sky. The brilliance and beauty and how it comes despite us. So far reaching.

The bible says where the flesh is weak the spirit is strong. Spirit is more powerful than flesh. Spirit lives on forever even when the body dies. I see the prison and bars and barb wire and it symbolizes everything that is semi-permanent but is ugly and difficult in our lives. It might loom menacing and never ending for now but it will pass away. End one day. Seasons come and go and even if things in this life don’t ever become what we hoped. Every human story has a beginning and end. But God has promised us there is eternity. A forever after. Forgiveness. Hope. HIS love stronger than any evil and Jesus has already made a way for all of us despite evil.

Love that wins all at the end of time.

When I see the colors that stretched across the sky over the prison. I saw hope for anyone caught up in something that traps their body and taints their human body and soul. I see that HE is with us even in the hardest places. HE is greater then evil. That is what I see. Hope.

It is my desire that no matter who feels trapped in their life or circumstances that they get a revelation that no matter where they are, how they are, GOD is with them, loves them and there is always hope. HE is greater and HE is with us. Power in our weakness.

JESUS is the light of the world. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

The Kingdom of heaven is within you.. Luke 17:21

Shadow Self

Standard

What keeps me going is what the world calls coincidence but I call GOD moments.

Today an extremely personal art piece because of one of these so called GOD moments. Perhaps the most personal piece I have ever done. I want to be completely free and I’m always moving towards that.

Free in every way possible and being honest, brutally honest seems to be the only way to be free and to rise above things that keep me bound or make me believe I am bound.

This link is to a free offering called.. Into the Shadow part 1. Where you can find information on the why.. It is a free course offered this month of April 2018 by Tracy Algar. I am in a face book group she runs and this course is being shared there.

It’s where I found myself earlier today simply having a look at the art others had posted and found it encouraging. I then decided to grab some magazines here at home and do some collage art unrelated but inspired by what I had been looking at.

So as I began looking for things to cut out I randomly found an article on the very same thing I had just been reading in her course!!!! Coincidence or what!?! Call it what you will. But I take these things as neon arrows that this has relevance for me.

I decided to have a go at my own ‘Shadow’ piece but chose instead oil pastels to create it.

Often I am feeling a plethora of feelings but not always knowing how to articulate them or even what direction to go for in prayer to God to help me with it. Art is a way to sort through and express my heart at the deepest level.

When I look at this piece below what am I thinking? I feel much more honest than I’ve ever been before. I seem to focus on faces more than any other thing and have for awhile now. Obviously being a deaf person my eyesight is a major thing and I need to be close to others to understand them. Faces to me are about intimacy and particularly so being a loner of sorts, a single parent and often am on my own now that the children are growing up. My art seems to be focused more often than not on a solitary figure because that’s where I’m at.

Face to face thing is imperative. I need to be in anyone’s face to communicate in any way but also I think I am frustrated and angry that it’s hard to communicate and such a struggle all the time to find a willing face to communicate with at the same level.. Face to face communication is actually rare for me these days so there is more of an urgency to be in your face if that makes sense.

My heart another huge factor in my life. If its not a heart thing I am not really interested in it or lose interest in it quickly. I am drawn very much to truth and people who speak from the heart no matter how different they might be from me.

Emotions are precious and beautiful to me and I am a ‘feelings’ person so my art is going to reflect that. But I do feel more a loner for it too because most people I am associated with do not share intimately or like I do so I feel alone because I need too and everyone else around me does not. So I do tend to hold it in when I’m with anyone which is not good for me or I freak someone out when it seems to pours out without end in sight..

With few to share it with or who I feel wish to be hear it and not many around that are likewise yeah I get stuck with it and it can keep me blocked or it’s simply easier to dwell in my own little world to cope with it..

But also unfortunately my heart has been damaged by life, feeling isolated.. by people who don’t try to get me but also I consider it to be mostly damaged by being my vulnerable self in a way that is an absolutely necessity for me and yet for the most part is speaking to thin air and that feels plain weird.. I am acutely aware of this void around me.. It is my hardest battle and it IS NOT FOR ATTENTION I talk about it but I consider it necessary for SURVIVAL. I have had to fight for a place like a little bird squawks loudly if it wants to thrive. Only my squawking is done with my art now lol and there are days I don’t do it.

Being quiet and in any way half hearted or not true to myself I feel crippled and that has severed me from even myself and keeps me from wanting to be in the company of most anyone. I truly do not see any real reason to exert myself in the world or with anyone if I can’t relate or be relative to anyone else. Art just for myself no thank you. Please don’t suggest that cause it’s strange just like talking to oneself all the time is strange. I can’t communicate with another person like you can. If you don’t get that you never will get me.

I disconnect from the world to survive this and I find my own way through. It’s why I write so much here.. pour myself into it for hours.. It’s probably a couple of months worth of conversations you’ve enjoyed every day but I’ve missed out on..

The severed head is really a savage way to speak my rawest truth that I’ve felt decapitated by feeling unless I do it your way I’m wrong.. Suffering disconnection when others around me have not realised I need them to value me and accept me as I am how I am. That being who I am is not an evil thing. The evil thing is not facing the world in a way where I’m free to be me.

My emotions are who I am. I cannot survive if I do not express them. Yes I realise even doing this that I need to stop shrinking because of what people think or how they function. But I should hardly apologise for needing people. I just need them differently to you..

We all.. human and creature need each other but we all have different ways to need each other. I need to speak honestly and I also need to know I’m seen & heard sometimes even if I’m not understood. I realise though that I have to stop feeling wrong for doing so period.

It’s a very dark world if I am expected to live without sharing from my heart. I did not draw in my ears because I can’t hear and I do not focus on what I cannot do.

My eyes are actually closed in this for that is how I appear to the world who will not see my heart and that can be people who should know me better but don’t go beyond the surface. I will look different to them. But they will not be focusing on the truth of me at all.

My reality is that my eyes are wide open and I have nothing to hide. I thought of the scripture the eyes are the window to the soul and it may not be very clear in this art but the whites in my art first started as flesh than I coloured them with yellow. The whites of my eyes are now yellow in this piece. I feel people think I am ill instead of seeing me as a living, feeling, breathing spiritual person. But I am actually lit from within because of HIM and Spirit is where I live majorly from (where HE is). I believe that if majority see only my flesh they miss out on me almost completely so to them I’m disconnected or broken.

Yes I need to see myself differently. I will say that even though my heart has been broken it will never extinguish my Spirit thankfully so I have surrounded my heart with yellow to symbolise that.

My cheek shows a rosy colour! Pink is my emotions. My mouth is upturned to more a smile than frown. My eyes are open. My tears help me release emotions don’t ever be afraid of them. I’m looking straight ahead. I am focused. I live from my heart and spirit. My brokenness does not stop me. HE is with me. HE is life, hope, health & strength in my weakness.

It is with complete fearlessness that I share my most vulnerable self with you. People around me have failed me as I know that I have failed others when I am only a shadow of myself. I will remain hidden to anyone who does not see my heart because that is my truest self.

I am not begging or hiding here or ashamed. It is with boldness and vulnerability I reveal my shadow self and raw naked soul with it. Spirit is my realm and where my Spirit is.

I am.

Any arguments. HE created me take it up with HIM.. 😊❤️🕊

Hard pressed on every side but not crushed

Standard

The answer to the question I asked before I started journaling surprised me.
In visual journaling we are asked to set an intention or ask a question before we start.. it kind of guides us as we journal.

I was surprised because it was a hard question and I kinda feared you know what would come out of the inside of me.

Hardest battle of my life to be honest and one I have felt most alone with. Like being just under the surface of a calm ocean but madly struggling.. but because everybody else only sees the surface they cannot see the struggles or the difficulty of it and some deny it is even a thing at all.. They go about their lives as if nothing was happening.

I am finally coming to peace with that. I have felt angry that I cannot share it with someone. Burden shared is a burden halved. Frustrated that I could not be supported or believed. I cannot survive though carrying around anger. Especially seeing I am mostly a peaceful person. In fact I would probably go so far as to say I don’t get angry. I cry rather then release things in anger. I am quick to forgive but I have learnt that this does not mean staying around to keep being hurt. Major change right here that I am proud of. But it has come at a cost. Not being understood but still I feel strong that I can stand up for what I believe in. You do not know how many times I have considered just slotting back in to how it used to be. Just so I was not on my own anymore and you are not ruffling up people’s feathers. Just to keep the peace. But see there is something about being true to yourself and at peace I am also learning. That it does not mean there is no conflicts. In fact I think the more you seek truth and peace the more conflicts you will find yourself in. But you have to learn to stand despite the conflicts. You have to learn that it will put you at odds with others who have settled and who just accept the way it is. They get jealous and they also will either fight you tooth and nail or completely close up to you. They cannot understand you and they will either fight or flee. I am not good at arguing. So if people do not agree with me they give up very easily and don’t stay around but I can survive it because I have found my peace within by being honest and being myself. I have nothing left to hide.

I have to learn to accept my own personal truth as not needing validation. Learning process for sure. I suppose all my life I have leaned on others for validation and been a follower. Learning now that I cannot do that and find inner peace because there just have been very few that I can follow or whom was able to understand where I am coming from or feel the same. So I have had to put my roots down deep where I am. Just like a tree where it finds all it needs by developing strong roots. The tree gains strength from finding its sustenance in the deep and it can stand solid through storms and the testings through time.

There are positives to this battle thankfully.

My question/intention was.. What is it about my sister that so upsets me?

The visual journaling I did was very positive for me to look at and if anyone is a deep truth seeker they should also clearly see where my heart/soul is on this. I can see growth in me. I can see gold and immense purpose in myself. Oh my goodness how powerful this piece of art is… no matter how simple it appears. I know exactly what it means too. I was actually excited today to sit down and do my writing here. I can feel a real inner pull on me to write. To share. To think about it. I love expressing how I feel. It is not till I do this that I can genuinely see just what has been happening in me even in times of what feels like ‘nothingness’. Long long periods of dormant and low activity which thanks to GOD are actually achieving something after all.

The green is growth. It looks like lungs. But it is more my gut that I was thinking about. Kidneys maybe even. But they are the deeper parts of me.
I think of the scripture. “Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of water will flow within them.” John 7:38
I didn’t use blue though which is different to rivers of water. But water bring brings growth doesn’t it and believe me I have done years of crying which I can see now is bringing growth!!!!!
In fact it makes me think of the green of planet earth when seen from above and how it is surrounded by the beautiful aqua blue of the oceans of the world. In the very beginning of what we know as time. Spirit was hovering over the waters when HE started saying the very words that creation sprung forth from.

Blue to me also means tears, washing etc.. I love that I didn’t have in my journaling about this question anything relating to sadness.. That is so very encouraging because I do know it is always a fear that everything that has happened to me has made me a victim to depression but my art is NOT saying that at all. I could so easily be depressed because it has been SO DAMN HARD with my sister. She is a key person in my life. My sister. We are both single mothers. Both having gone through divorces. Both have teenagers. Both have disabilities. We both have and do rely on our parents for help. Because I house share with my parents and they help my sister so much it has been doubly hard the closeness of this battle and especially the cruelness of not being seen or rather feeling alone in it. I also will say in my families defense and the people around me who could have helped. That I am different to almost everyone I am related too or have had close contact with. I am created to share and NEED to share. I am a creative person and I think all of my life it was not something I was raised to do or was used to be surrounded with others who did. It was not encouraged, nurtured, talked about etc.. I was like an ugly duckling in the wrong family. Just a way to explain it.. not complaining about it or judging others. Just explaining that I have probably struggled all my life because I have not been able to be true to who I am in an environment where others were the same. I have relatives who are creative and sadly we don’t connect even though as I have been more creative I thought it would happen easily. Ways to go still in relating to others.

In relation to my sister as to the why ask this question now. I have chosen to distance myself from her. Something that is not my choice at all but I have felt is the only way for now. Too much more to it than is possible to explain for this days sharing but only here I will share why it has upset me so and my thoughts about my answer via visual journaling.

In short because I struggle to be myself with her and she has also said when we last sort of had it out.. when I tried to communicate more deeply.. ‘Your heart seems to be locked up tight.’

She felt that.

You can see that she is right that this is truth. But not that I want it to be locked up and that is where it runs into a wall because unless I can explain more and why.. she will not experience more. But I cannot seem to get any further because when I have overflowed lol.. And I can go on and on as you can see. Nothing comes back from her depths and I have felt defensive instead of myself and definitely not free flowing. I mean obviously we are not the same. But unless I can say some things and feel heard it all seems to stay with me and that is as far as we get. There is going to be a flow with two people who are communicating and free with each other and it is going to benefit both I believe. Not harmful or needing of either to hold back. We have not had freedom and I have not felt safe. Our hearts and souls are treasures after all which deserve respect, grace and the kind of love that allows us to be who we are with each other.. Warts and all.

So this green shows that I am wanting to flow despite our relationship in the past and currently. And I want deep. Which is why the black box appeared.. The black was not anything to do with me. Rather it is what has happened to us both when I cannot share naturally. When what I most desire which is obviously still huge to me runs into a wall..

I am so glad to see the flow is still there and does not seem diminished.. It has not stopped perse. Like I mean it is still there.. it has not dried up no matter what people think or even my sister thinks. I still want to share life with her. I have not always known that about myself. I have had anxiety even being around her. Strange because I am peace loving person and have a lay back personality. So when I consider all that our relationship has been and things said and not said. Anxiety rises up. So I am glad looking at this I am not seeing anxiety here in my art.

It is just I cannot and have not been able to flow with her. I am most comforted that I am not angry and I am not sad according to my journaling. I am still wanting relationship but I recognize that what I do want is healthy relationship. To be myself fully. To share deep things. Green signifies growth. But the fact that it is not blue. Blue symbolizes to me an exchange of relationship. I have all this growth inside but it only comes up to a point. It is not returned to fully complete the cycle I suppose you could say by looking at this art piece. It is not meant to be one way. One sided. It is meant to be for both my sister and me. To help each other. To be a safe place. A support. A confidant to each other. The pink symbolizes how my art and self expression helps me be who I am. A part of how I function. It is not that I do things I do to be different but rather it is who I am and being who I am helps me to bring up the deep things. Totally necessary. Shows that the way our relationship has been has hindered my whole self with my sister. So much more to say and so much more to be and so much more to contribute but its vitally important that I am free to communicate in my own unique way. That is where the treasure of me is.

The gold color I used is perhaps the most beautiful thing of all. I think of this scripture.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves. 2 Corinthians 4:7

It appears to be a GOD thing that this is who I am. This is how I am created.

Only recently I found a t-shirt at a op shop or you might call it a thrift store. It has the word ‘Power’ on it. The timing.. Lol I know immense hope for all that is NOT happening in my life when I bypass the very humanness of myself and concentrate on Spirit. GOD in me. GOD in this human body. If all my sister sees is the black.. Well she misses the treasure of me and she will only see the earthen vessel. If I cannot communicate my truth and be myself as I am to my sister she is going to miss the treasure. Anyone is.

Using art expression God has transformed my sadness to growth and given me abundant life within that desperately desires to be expressed to my sister and anyone else I am sharing life with. Some see art as just a very personal and intimate thing to help oneself. But I see art expression as my way to be who I am created to me. To shine my light/light of God who is working with me and a way to communicate as a deaf person too in this world. Spirit is what animates life itself after all.

I can see HIM working especially in my hard times, despite my humanness it is the most powerful thing on earth because when you really see SPIRIT is working so intimately within you, it is a very deep and soul satisfying message of life and hope. Seen crystal clear even in the simplest of things like visual journaling.

I am comforted for all that my life has been and all that my life has not been.. The difficulties only shine HIS greater purposes to me even brighter. I am finding joy right now in sharing this.

HE appears to me in midst my art obsession of collecting and hoarding art supplies because they are what I use to tell my truth and GOD meets me here within my humanness and hoarding art supplies.. And God IS involved in my art no matter how simple, despite how my outer circumstances do not make sense and how disconnected I might appear. Despite how many relationships I struggle with and the blackness that shows to the world. The introvert that I can be. The differences to others. The struggle with my sister.

There is still treasure to be found.

Bypassing my rational brain using visual art journaling I am able to speak from my heart not my head that likes to worry about things and wonder why this has happened the way it has and which struggles to communicate like the rest of the world does. I do shut down and lose focus when I think about how my outward life is and do not concentrate on the power and presence of SPIRIT. Flesh is weak. Spirit is strong.

Art expression shows what I truly feel inside it shows my super power :).
It is the truth after all and yes I too am surprised by how pure my heart is here. Glory to GOD!!!

Despite the black displayed in my art. The hardship.
(2 corinthians 4:8.. We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed.. Perplexed but not in despair; )
I am filled with gold.
My struggle to express myself has had incredible internal benefits because I need GODS help to keep my inward focus.
That’s how I found abundant life within. (Kingdom of Heaven is within)
I see enormous growth and flow which is a miracle even if its very different to how it looks on the outside.
(GOD looks not at the outward appearance but at the heart)
I am not filled with anger or sadness or lack or even blackness..
I am filled with light..
His power is best shown when I am sharing powerful truth even from within my own difficulties.

Encounter Art With Father God

Standard

Working through a book called “Art Sozo.. Painting with God.. by Gail Spooner”.

This is what I would consider ‘Christian Art’ but yet strangely when I worked with that concept in my mind I didn’t feel it was any more connectful with God than say my normal art. There is this thing in my head or heart searching, searching, searching and believing you know that I have do ‘Christian Art’ a certain way or approach it differently but in the process of today’s exercise it seemed no more holy than my normal art. This is surprising. Obviously of course I am specifically looking for God to speak to me about what my art means though in this piece.

Looking at what I did and journaling about it as in relation to what God has revealed to me. I wonderfully see similarities to what I’m already aware of which is a lovely concept  to settle over me. That just doing specific art isn’t any more or less about God than my normal art. HE is always involved!! ❤ ❤

Encouraged to keep it simple and that it is all about what the colours represent to me personally and what I am painting symbolises, letting it simply flow onto the page only stopping to think about it after I do my art piece.. Supposed to be limited colours. I chose more than two.. I also used a small paint brush. They encouraged a sponge or even a cotton swab. I preferred a paint brush but kept it easy and it was not about being artistically perfect which is not my thing anyway.

I realise as I consider this piece that overall I need to focus more on the whole truth. I tend to often only hone in on my own personal experience and view everything from this perspective.

I used purple but lightened it from the darker shade of purple in my paint set. Yellow. Grey. Blue. Well it was going to be Pink which is a colour I am flowing in a lot lately. Red/white mix looks more red than pink.. I do see that this has significance. As obviously red is a strong biblical kind of religious colour associated with the blood of Jesus. I like that even though my colour used is more pink than red the fact that it is not as pink as I have been using means that I am still learning in my general art process to express myself less towards “religion” and more towards a personal and honest to earth faith. I can see growth obviously but also know there is more to come!!! That is exciting. Losing my religion but gaining a spiritual knowledge and depth that is far above what I have been taught by mere men and women.. 😀

I see that God chose to give us HIS Spirit but the wonder of it is.. we house HIM in these very human and often clumsy flesh bodies. When I say clumsy anything human compared to a perfect GOD is very much a vulnerable & fragile container.

I don’t think of humans as being black anymore. The sinner thing.

Question : I was answering or seeking answers in my painting process about lies I’ve believed about my identity. Grey came to mind. Flesh can be a grey area. What I’ve grown up being taught as opposed to what so many believe differently as opposed to what is actual truth. Obviously I think of myself as lower level even though God says we are now seated in heavenly places with Christ. I have felt and often feel separate/separated from everyone else. Hearing loss, rejection, struggles with religion/control/judgements/difficult relationships & other stuff has isolated me which is why I painted a blue bubble around the figure that represents myself.

I felt more tense as I began this piece as I have when doing my normal art. Purple represents that my background has changed. I do know/believe I am Gods child. I do know/believe God isn’t judging me personally but judgement fell on Christ. HE values me. Sees me differently. He’s everything. He’s everywhere. I am not worried about my actions or where I stand from that point of view.

I know the lie is ‘performance’  ladder to heaven. Jesus became human HE fulfilled all the demands so I used the colour grey in between the rungs of the ladder to heaven to symbolise this.

Still see myself too low. Surprisingly the people I need to forgive or I rather prefer to say. ‘Who I need to view differently and not be swayed by or want to stay away from’ are represented by the group of others in the painting.

I have felt they are responsible for my feeling and being separate and I do see their actions have caused me harm to the point I want to be anywhere but close to them as in turn they have not wanted to be close to me. I need to let go off the lies that ‘I am less’,  ‘not enough’ and that ‘I am not included’. Amazingly it was quite easy in my art even though ‘they’ and ‘I’ have been seen and felt as separated to paint us on the same level.. Beautiful and strangely freeing also to bind us together with the pink/red/white mix of colour. I am beyond thrilled that all of us are on the same level and when I saw this in my art I realise that I have to stop with the separation thing I too often claim as my truth which is a massive lie.. And introversion is really only another name for Spiritual.

Then there is this prevailing attitude that there are all different levels to where men, women and children belong.. You feel it. You experience it and sadly even Christians believe it but it is a lie from the pit of hell. I think it is one of the underlying core lies we have all been fed and the results of it mean our earth and human kind experiences so much separation and misunderstanding which is evil. We need a revelation of what is the real truth which I am seeing and loving in my painting!! Yet I know that even I am not yet experiencing the fullness of this but if I can just keep this in my daily vision and live this truth it is going to change my reality and maybe even more than that.

HE has made us one and that is where I have to restructure my thinking.  Can’t be rejected/separate from that. HIS glory/grace/truth/gifts are for all. Regardless of where we see ourselves/each other or feel we are in relation to each other.. One and the same!!

Love how the purple showed the colour yellow with a tint of grey in the heavenly rays coming down on us all.. which was not intentional.

JESUS Son of GOD by becoming human flesh and living in perfect obedience while confined in a human body.. embodied the answer to all that God could ever possibly require of mankind (did so on our behalf) and is the reason for all this heavenly glory earth and all who live on earth will ever receive. The truth is..it is not by our doing. But by HIM!!!

Why am I so disheartened…?

Standard

Deep speaks to deep… wow the above heading is part of my intention for Visual Journaling today.  And woah what has come up from the depths of my soul is so empowering to me and no matter what I will share it because it appears a message for more than just me..

Like a burning in my bones I cannot keep it in.

My Intention was.. “Why was I so disheartened when nobody saw my blog/writing/art?”.. referring to my last blog post..

The art today I’ve done is based on this intention but also what flows out of me as I work on this exercise and think about how I’m feeling currently…

Something for SO LONG which has not been easy for me. I would liken it to a crack in a wall that has till this point only leaked a small flow.. yet has a full reservoir of water welled up behind it that desperately needs to run free. I really haven’t got to the deeper core yet.. only skimmed the surface but it’s moving now. Thank YOU LORD!!

I put so much of my heart and soul into my last blog and I have not been able to do that for a long long long time and it was powerful to put that into the world.

I suppose I think and was hoping it would be seen and read.. Such a break through personally.. so amazing to me…but very little if nothing came back and it was disheartening. Invisibility to the world.. Like you win the jackpot but there’s no one to tell even though you desperately want too..

I added words too to today’s art as I was led. It all speaks..

This is simply what comes up. Not judging myself. Not thinking why did I say that NO.. I am just flowing and it is amazing me what comes up and how it comes and the depth of meaning to it I can so easily understand.

I sometimes feel so shut down.. Like I have literally nothing to contribute of value. But I feel real treasure here and depth even I didn’t know was there..

When I started to relax into this I could sense my mind, my brain is hurting. I cannot understand why I am so invisible when I am being my most authentic ever. I cannot fathom why. It seems so cruel.. I want my light to shine not be hidden..

I think the pink blob which is created with gelatos.. I also used a paint brush with water because it activates and blends the consistency of colour.. Doing so the water took away the sharp edges I originally drew. I was visualising the colour coral as I began to settle into this excercise. All my expressions referring to myself or art that I do or faith that I have lately has been symbolised by the colour pink.

But this time pink with a sort of flesh colour..

Female, flesh.. rock like but unseen hidden beneath an ocean appears to really symbolize how I feel. Yet as I was scribbling this I was not intentionally thinking coral, ocean or what not. But just letting colours and feelings and soul and spirit and frustrations tumble out of me. This is what came. Blue and green background that was intentional to blend.. looks like water.. symbolising my world.. frame of my world.. blue is expanse of sky or even God everywhere to me, flow of spirit.. depth of endless ocean, its peaceful even being alone so much.. green for growth and learning.. Because I am growing in this art adventure..

Art is life to me. It is health to me.. It is beautiful and deep and spirit is where it is at for me. Not boxed in at all.. freedom.. but it is lonely too because not a lot of people around me live wholly from their spirits or notice mine. So the largeness of the singular shape really expresses my own little world doesn’t it.

The water over the colours does soften the coral edges so maybe it means my tears (releasing emotions) keeps me softer..

So that is how what I created made me think of my feminine brain which turned into coral in an ocean.. Very calming to me is my art expression but then I added a black barbed wire fence because I feel angry and hurt and discouraged that this beauty in my life which I so love to express.. being my heart through art into the world is mainly unseen and I do not want it to be a selfish thing .. And even those closest to me don’t take notice, recognise what I do or appear to care how important this is to me and maybe more than just me. A few do.. ❤

I feel frustrated.. stifled. I see that art piece and I feel angry. This beautiful piece of unique coral in the ocean is fenced in.. Is blocked.. the natural ebb and flow is disrupted.. Although it may look guarded it doesn’t feel that way to me.. I see in this art piece a kind of similarity with the way the world around us is being damaged too..

How that oceans are being polluted.. and that we all need to more deeply look at our natural world and wake up to the damage being done to it.. realise what is happening.

I think it’s the same with the spiritual world too. People need to wake up!!

We need to acknowledge the beauty of life and preciousness of the world around us and cherish it but not with fences or hemming it in or caging it in, but by being aware of its importance to all of us.

How each of us suffers when only one part is ignored. There is a bible verse about that. About how we have to care for the whole body, every part is significant. To not want everyone to be the same but see and appreciate the different parts and how each part is valuable and we are supposed to come together and yet need to work as one.

Jagged edges of my soul, my life, my uniqueness; indeed every soul.. It makes us each one so very precious doesn’t it..

Why do we want to stop growth, disrupt peace, destroy the natural beauty of life by ignoring, by not seeing and not appreciating every soul.. each beautiful soul and talent. It is beyond me.. making one more important than another.. All is precious..

Environmentalists have to be louder and find more bold ways to protect our world. They need to keep sharing information all the time. They need to always be aware of the world around them.. Especially telling the truth about the dangers to wildlife and our eco system so that we can change the way we treat the world in which we live. But also sharing ways to help and heal our world too!!!

I feel I too have to be louder and bolder. I have to see these trials and difficulties I face and let them stir me up to action. Not give up..

Being overlooked. Being unseen. Being fenced in. Being ignored. I need to work all the more within this barrier and beyond and be even louder, more persistent with my soul truths.

I truly believe that even one person can make a difference who speaks their truth and tells their story and shines their brave soul light.. and it will benefit every other soul to do the same but first they’ve got to see it..

Finding my voice through finger painting

Standard

Doing a new course I started via an art bundle by Alena Hennessy.. I was asked..

What did you discover or uncover by doing this lesson?

What surprised you? What felt familiar?

My thoughts below on these questions along with my art piece..

I pulled out the colour acrylic paints that I was attracted too. Started in a sort of flow pattern using my fingers not a brush. I was less worried than I have been before about what I was actually doing. I always approach painting even something as simple as finger painting with a bit of trepidation. I feel it has to mean something from the get go. I’m not used to free form painting I’m used to my art having some sort of structure. I did do it with that lurking in the back of my mind. So I am not quite free yet but every time I paint I am a little bit freer.
What surprised me as I got started is that I instinctively started to form something on the page without thinking. And even though I did not have a formal plan it started to take a shape of sorts. I just kept it up and used the colors I had originally been drawn too. Only now I found another separate color would come to mind and I went and got it and added it. Not for any reason but that the color came to mind so I used it. I started with blues, greens and a maroon color. Then for some reason I thought of the colors yellow and bit later white. I added pink as well. I didn’t wait till it dried before adding more so that changed some.. It surprised me that I was thinking of colors out of what seemed like thin air. Then as I kept at it I felt that things were fitting into a kind of pattern. It was starting to mean something and that felt really good but there was also no pressure on me whatsoever. The relaxing meditation before I started really calmed me and although my body didn’t appear to be giving me any messages at that time.. which was one of the things we were asked to take note of. My painting did actually feel like I was painting my back bone and blood and it was channeling my creative flow and the wonderful growth and beauty it is bringing to my life.

So astonishingly enough my body was actually speaking to me cause there it is on the page!! I could literally feel that flow in my fingertips and how all my creative endeavours up to this point in life have been changing me within and ‘tada’ this is what was showing up on the page.

Familiar feeling to me was using creativity and enjoying my art journal.. Feeling free creating and feeling that now I’m expressing myself on a page I’m a true artist.. I had the idea as I kept it up that it wasn’t finished. So I just kept adding to it.. kept going till I was done..

The longer I painted the more I could feel where I wanted to add a color and how that color fit onto the page.

When I look at it now I feel its finished. How do I know?? I do not know lol.

I sense the word ‘Persistence’ when I look at it. I have had to be Persistent in my life, faith & art.. stubborn to keep my chin up.. Develop a back bone and creative expression has been a major factor through which Gods Spirit has brought me back to life.. Cause I’ve really felt in the past I was almost extinguished and felt stagnant.. separate to everyone else because my path became so narrow.. It was like I’ve been walking down a long, dark tunnel mostly on my own for a very long time but I can still see the world I just can’t break through.. Art has been the roots of a new strong me breaking through!!

I really like seeing in this painting that my life is beautifully flowing again.. and it’s all connected and I can truly say I am no longer stagnant or feeling as separate and alone..

I am really surprised just how colors that I have so easily finger painted onto a page can be so meaningful.

Prepare

Standard

My thoughts.. Malachi 3:1

Many of the best photos I’ve taken of my family are when it’s spur of the moment.. especially when they aren’t expecting it.. When it’s just me caught up in capturing small moments anytime and anyway I can..

Posing and planning doesn’t really work best for me unless that’s what I have in mind. My kids are older and they don’t want many photos anymore and they can get really annoyed at my efforts.. So natural photos caught unawares are the best because I don’t have to plan them.. They are spontaneous.. but I do have to be ready to capture them though..

I’m so glad in life God has already done the preparing before me as I am personally very disorganised. Even when I’m aware I’m often unaware and just don’t think of things.. I get distracted so easily and I often miss the best timing because I’m so scatter brained..

Thinking about Advent and all I can think of is how unprepared I am..

I don’t often easily see God in my ordinary every day scatter brain life till the moment has passed..

Like these footprints that appear clearly to stretch out before my daughter in this photo. They definitely didn’t stand out to me beforehand till I used a photo ap and played around with it..

Now they appear almost like magic to me as a distinct trail going before us!!!

At the time the photo was taken my daughter was not seeing that trail and neither was I.. Yet we both seemed to be following it without realising..

It’s moments like this I see God best when I’m not trying.. I actually have been thinking about this word ‘Prepare’ for days and struggled to come up with anything!! Yet wasn’t till I stopped trying and just relaxed into it that the ideas started to open to me.. I did a search online for either Greek or Hebrew meaning of the word prepare in that verse lol.. Blew my mind because it actually means something different than you think.. that’s another topic altogether 🙂

Topics like this I float away on easily.. sometimes I confess I don’t come back..

Reminds me how I need not to worry about myself so much. It all still works out in the end just later than everyone else.

Like this photo because in some miraculous way I can still be in the right moment and if I work with it inspiration comes flowing with it too!

Gives one incredible hope doesn’t it!!!

For now and always.. that God is with us not just when we think about HIM or are aware but always.. AND even scatterbrains.. Miracle right here 😍..

God knows we all can get distracted this time of year and some of us worse than others.. God also knows we can so easily fail to notice HIM as we could.. yet HE has already gone before us and it’s in simple awareness we awaken to HIS presence.

Jesus says HE is the way, the truth and the life and despite everything else going on or not going on. HE has already prepared the way ahead of each of us.. The wonder is HE is the way and despite ourselves and where we might be in life or how we are.. If we will just acknowledge HIM even though we may not see or feel HIM with us.

HE leads us..

Expectation

Standard

I am doing an Advent 2017 challenge via face book. Run by Mary Brack. I will add the link here. People are still joining in so come find out what’s it’s all about and join with us.

Advent 2017

The word I am up too lol is ‘Expectation’ and I laugh when I say it because I am already a day or two behind because this was for the 5th of December but that is American time not Australian.

Reading scriptures Isaiah 64:1-4 and Lamentations 3:24-26

I did a journal page and the words in italics below just flowed out of me as I thought about it so I will leave it as I wrote it on the page. Random thoughts just in case anyone is interested and can’t read it directly from the page.. the word ‘Quiet’ stands out in the scriptures I read..

It is good to wait quietly for the LORD to save. Lamentations 3:26

I am really not a quiet person. I speak loud, apparently snore loud, sing too loud lol and live loud because I cannot hear to do anything quietly or to gauge what is the norm. I slam doors, slam kitchen cupboards.. Even wash dishes loud.. I have been told..
But in a group of people I tend to be invisible and quiet because I cannot hear to join in. And I don’t know what is being talked about so I cannot really add anything to any conversation going on plus I am shy.. I am really too quiet apart from my own little deaf inner soul.. I hope ha ha I am loud in some way bravely putting this into the world.. it’s my hope..

But I do still feel quiet in my art cause it is so simple and doesn’t really stand out and wow people :).. I say that because I want to be a light in darkness..

And though I put it out in the world via social media and internet and art is my way to communicate. Not too much feedback so it is rather a lonely quiet stubborn journey.

So as in life and art I am apparently quietly doing my thing.. I think this is why the word quietness in this scripture really just reaches out and comforts my soul which longs to be a much louder part of the world but isn’t at least not in the way I wish.

To be a part of the world we are all living in but circumstances tend to shush me and I do wonder why and is it all for something so yes you do need to keep believing, keep trusting and just expecting that YES it is for some good.

All of my life combined has made me feel I am in the background for so many years.. But that God said it is good to quietly wait for revelation/salvation it just encourages me to ‘shine on’ as I am.. Loudly or quietly whatever the case may be.

I guess this IS supposed to be Advent.. Religious flavoured leading up to remembering the birth of Jesus into the world. I just tend to tie it in with my own life as I am right now.. But like the world waits for all the things God has promised to come to pass and really that can be a struggle when the world and our private life groans with stress of life and different trials.. We all wait and carry expectations for our faith, life in general, our dreams, for our family, Christmas coming soon, the new year of 2018, our future hopes and for our world all of which is yet to come to pass..

The word quietness jumped out at me. Resonates with my soul, my experience of life, faith and emotions. Parallel world I live in. Introverted, deaf, doing my own thing. Yet God calls it good. I’m so thankful HE knows. In a world full of noise, people have to stand out but many do not.
They fight to be seen, acknowledged, accepted.
Do thier thing quietly. I think of all the people who ‘could’ have seen the angelic hosts announcing the birth of Christ, it was the shepherds. Quietely tending flocks of sheep. Quietness doesn’t describe the hustle and bustle of Christmas crowds. Loudness booming everywhere.
The cries of the needy, lost to the world buying more they don’t need.
We all wait though expecting more.
The answer to what life means may just come quietly.

Untitled

Standard

I can’t think of a suitable title. So ‘Untitled’ is perfect. There are no words for how I am feeling today.
I am vulnerable and weak. Apart from a very late night pickup of teenagers at an out of town party.. Running on little sleep. I have been fasting food since Friday night or rather that was the last time I ate.
Prayer and fasting. For a very close friend. My best friend. The reasons are private but this friend has been more loyal than anyone else I know. The scripture says there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. And this friend is all that. Today I could break it but I don’t want too at least not yet. The scripture “when I weak, HE is strong”… is resonating inside me right now. I feel that power too. My stomach is growling and loudly but I feel this surge and I know it’s GOD in me and that is just a little too good to want it to end. And I NEED that. My friend needs that. Our world needs that. And I can use it.. I can use the emotion the spiritual elation. That hunger for food mirrors the emptiness of my life and the crazy life of lack that dogs me. The areas that crave connection to the point I have thought at times of not existing at all in this world. Because it has felt too much to bare. Too impossibly hard to yearn for physical connection I have missed out on and fall so short with. I know even though I am a loner, a self confessed introvert I still need soul connections. I need someone else but close and deep not shallow. Yes even I need not to be alone or not feel alone.

It reminds me of a movie I watched called ‘New Moon’ when Bella misses Edward. He suddenly removes himself from her life and she is desperate for him. Absolutely lost and desolate without his presence. But she finds out when she is in danger or testing her human limits that he appears to her and she goes out seeking similar so she can see him again.

Once before in my life I relied on religion and it was everything. Form, rules, obedience and routine to ritually act out what the bible says and what others who believed were doing too, what I believed Christianity was and what was expected of me. I would attend with my family and I was desperate when I had my own family for us to all be in the building together but my than husband was not as passionate the same as me and more often than not was not with me and it felt empty and I started to feel alone even in a crowd. We didn’t share it in life or religion the same.. Often I just went religiously with my children for a long long time desperate and hungry but you just say hello I am fine instead of tell it like it is. It was hard with 5 little children to do it without help and sometimes I was so busy with the children going in and out of the service for different needs I wasn’t gaining anything at all. I have attended a church since I was an infant in my parents arms up til maybe 4 years ago. Maybe its longer :/

The point in sharing this is. When I stopped going, when I lost that huge part of my life. My desire for God was still very much there I just wasn’t able to rely on those things anymore. I had to have GOD 24/7 not just sundays and with fanfare. I had to have HIM with me always and I knew HE was there because HE said HE was and I believed HIM. I just felt the trappings were distracting me and depressing me. Cause while I sat there all I could think of was all that I was missing and it sucked.
Due to traumas I have gone through I just couldn’t fit in a service with people’s backs to me. Unable to hear what was going on (deaf) and feeling so disconnected. It felt very fake and I couldn’t do it any longer. I was also failing miserably at keeping the show going. My performance level was zip. So much mental energy at keeping my family together that had now separated. And just found myself tossing out everything that drained me and kept only the most important things close to my heart. That was in every sense of the word. Physical, mental, people etc… If it harmed me, I lost interest, it went or eventually I weeded it out. Many people weeded themselves out lol without my help. 🙂 Perhaps it was God or it was just my way to cope. I don’t know.

Spiritually though my story feels like it was just been beginning. When you are not relying on one way anymore you adapt and do things differently. You flow into a new way, a different way and Gods Spirit became my comfort, joy, peace and strength. My everything. Art became so very important too like it was my hands on and my physical way to be a part of the process so that I wasn’t just sitting numbly I was flowing and active.

Creativity in expressing myself and how my spirit was moving and flowing. It became a main way to communicate though because a majority of people in the world do not see art/spirit the way I do I lost even more contact with people. I guess the more I slipped away from outwardly living the more important it became to me and the more people lost contact with me too. I don’t blame them for not getting me anymore. I just missed what I could have with them. What I wanted with them.. Deep soul. Getting each other and not just here and there but always having it. I don’t mean I needed to be in their faces or they in mine. But there are people you don’t see but when you do see them you just pick up again where you left off. You aren’t stressed in any way by time that has passed or anything one might call as lack. You just enjoy the here and now. Why on earth can’t I find those people???

On-line was easiest it still is. People who are heart people or spiritual people get me most. And strangely even with little contact you have depth and connectivity that is amazingly satisfying but it is a different realm. Many still do not recognize it but if you are aware or even start to be aware your eyes are opened to something pretty amazing.

I guess that is why today that weakness from no food is so powerful. Because I am diverting myself away from regular patterns and relying on being full with food and that physical energy. I am not eating and I am not thinking about food, not concentrating on my physical needs. I am tapping into my spirit/soul realm and despite the growling stomach and the need to get up and feed my body.. I am aware of a force within myself that is strong and fired up and its the me I am most in touch with and perhaps 95% do not know. God with me. In me. Helping me.. Me and HIM as one yet separate…
I mean honestly that is miraculous. It is so loud and clear to me that all is not lost. HE has not left me like so many humans have. HE is beautifully present and ridiculously crystal clear when I am not physically strong or not caught up in the ‘Do this.. Be that’… just wow.

I am better able to be aware of things normally that are quiet or even absent in myself. Like even as I am typing this my clarity of events and feelings are coming together in ways which are beyond anything I have realized before. I have read about how if you can keep on this path, push yourself out of comfort zones, push through doubts, blank pages, writers block, life block, gremlins of the art world/or one might call them demons or doubts about yourself even.. Just Being…
That tell you everything you are not and repeat to you all your failures and that paralyze you from growth and improvement and just enjoying life. You reach a place where you are literally tapping into sacred ground and into the highest power.. I suppose people might flinch and say ‘New Age’ which is a no no in Christian circles but only if you throw out the baby with the bath water. It is all God, Jesus, Holy Spirit to me yet in me. HE is the one I credit but this is the miracle that the kingdom of heaven is within. So I get to be the container of the most spiritual proportions in my own unique quality. 100% me flavored lol. The fragile vessel that HE says shows HIM up best. That there I like.. I like very very much.

You wanna see GOD. Just look inside me. ❤

l