Category Archives: Being Real

Contradiction

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Prompt – 

The Contradictions of my life include..

I had to look up the meaning of contradiction lol. I definitely love the meaning and it really does sum up the continuing story of my life.
Definitions for contradiction
Noun
opposition between two conflicting forces or ideas

One of the major contradictions has been my religion and how I live and express my faith.

If you were to scroll through my face book feed for example you might have a hard time pinning down my exact beliefs. In fact it might not show outwardly that I am much of a Jesus girl at all but anyone who truly knows me knows my heart. I have gone a different path from the outward signs and believe it or not it has not been easy. But I am getting freer.

All my life basically I have spoken, read, acted a certain way. Christian way. It is hard after 40 years to divert I can tell you. I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water at all though it may look like it. This path I have taken has unfortunately appeared to separate me from the main flock though. But like deafness which did the same this experience has changed me and helped me learn much more about God and myself than I knew and thought was possible. I know my boundaries very well but because people and distractions have been minimal Gods presence is more evident to me and I know within myself what is of me and what is not.

A living between worlds you might call it. What I always thought I knew opposed to what I am knowing and learning now because any type of survival living increases your knowledge. Truth is beautiful and it has been a huge step out of my comfort zone. Finding God via HIS Spirit with me in the here and now and that HE is always present and that I don’t need props to experience spiritual life gives me so much space but that has also meant separation from people which has been peculiar I can tell you. Still getting used to that.

The thing is it’s what you find on the edges and beyond that is so fascinating and not at all what you thought it once was. Of course it is hard, very very hard to go against the grain and live differently. The guilt oh my. The disconnection and I am deaf too so I’d honestly say it destroys you and builds you into a whole new person cause it makes for a very hard, dark, cold and lonely world when people turn their backs and nothing remains the same. You either return tail down defeated, shrivel up and die or find a whole new way to live. Spirit and Art has been my way through. I truly meet Gods Spirit in this whole process. Like a steady bubbling river always flowing and the awareness of even the smallest of details around you seem to line up and everything has deeper meaning and purpose but it appears to come at a cost you disappear off the radar. No longer can you live via external appearance and behaviour.  It has to be an inside job.

It forces you to actually think about what you believe and why you believe the way you do every single day. You are not just relying on what you are doing or what you are saying or what you have always done. You are actually thinking and in the moment every moment not just going into auto-pilot. Believe me when you are in midst the majority a lot of it is simply talking, doing and living like everyone else because that’s what you’ve been taught and you don’t realize it but every time someone affirms you who believes the same it keeps you in line. You will want to stay away from anyone outside that and that should be a warning sign because God is everywhere. We are all His children, people just do not know & realise the whole truth.

If everyone else around you is the same. It’s easy/easier to be that way especially if you only associate with similar minded people. Stop in any way doing or being like everyone else or being around people like that and suddenly you are faced with a dilemma you start to be challenged on all sides. I have been careful not to just throw everything away. I especially want to be real not fake. Such as.. if you say I am feeling fine when actually you are not.

I want what I believe to radiate out of me because it’s who I am within my heart rather than outward words or actions. Being deaf has taught me the value of looking into someone’s eyes/face, reading body language, the power of touch and just how an acknowledgment no matter how small when you can understand can change the direction of a day. I don’t want to force what I believe on someone or expect them to do what I do because its right or wrong. I especially love a quote by Rumi.

Out beyond ideas of
wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn’t make any sense.

From Essential Rumi
by Coleman Barks

I want anyone to be truly comfortable being themselves in my presence as I believe God wants us to feel in His presence. Same as in this quote. I think of nature and how we don’t go out into nature and argue with it as to how the trees are planted, how the flowers grow or the sun is shining or not. We just enjoy it for what it is. To show our enjoyment we might take off our shoes and walk in the grass if it’s a nice day. Or we stand somewhere safe and watch the thunder storm or we look in awe at a mountain peak or even climb it. We spend hours walking along a sandy beach with water lapping at our toes. We gaze up in wonder as the stars come out at night. If only we could be in each others presence and just enjoy it the same. Just as we are without trappings, expecting someone to change or trying to find fault.

I feel religion is like a competition and I am always a loser. I know it is supposed to be ALL about God.. But do this or do that or don’t do this or that. Its all comparative. Least on my own with God I can totally be myself. I don’t have to put on airs and graces. He sees and knows all that other crazy stuff anyway and I can just enjoy HIM and HE me and its natural. I speak like myself and I can sing loud or crazy or cry or laugh or moan. I can just thank HIM or pray for people or my world. I also do not feel guilty because I failed in some way or another cause I know HE loves me and HE did it all perfect anyway so I don’t ever have to ever feel a failure so I can drop the ever present need to better myself.. In religious settings you cannot easily be yourself there are trappings and ways to do or not do things.. You can admit sin and all but you have to deny yourself and although I am not against change perse or focusing on God. I think those things will happen and should happen naturally and I think also when you know HIM in a real way and you know HIS love for you.. you just do different when you learn the truth and it goes down into all those difficult hurt places and you do not feel the need to pretend, put on a mask or perform..

Art-wise being spiritually expressive I am not forced, not stunted, I am free, not doing it because everyone else is doing it and I can enjoy it or even when I might be suffering in my soul I don’t know but you are dealing with it in a way that naturally heals and helps you through the release of it where your not being held accountable by people or clergy, shame, fear or judgment and its flowing out freely by choice not because you have too. It is pure Spirit.

I hear God say he is looking for true worshipers who will worship in spirit and truth. Authentically and with a whole heart I can say this is my aim.

It is another world really yet it is found within my skin and flesh. Kingdom of God is within. So why should I be trying so hard on the outside when the most important is all within? 

Authenticity

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I wrote a poem about how I need people to be honest and open with me.. how for the most part people are not.. but it’s not impossible..

 If we can’t be our full selves with someone how on earth can people relate? I think that’s the answer to building trust with a person and a close intimate relationship it’s why our relationship with the Lord becomes so beautiful and personal and why we run to Him.. all we can do is be authentically ourselves and I really do think it will bring close those who really want to know us where they too can be themselves.. I think also we heal from hurts in any place where a person is fully able to be themselves.. It takes time though to feel safe enough to do this.. or it is an extreme act of bravery.

This journey of life seems to be about each person coming to this knowledge.. I really do think that would be heaven on earth.. where what seems a desert experience, hard place will be a place to bloom and where authenticity will bring connection to us all.. 

it’s like this “authenticity” message is where it’s at for me right now.. 

After writing this almost immediately this was shown on “The Voice” in Australia.. ❤️️

Falling Upward

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“What passes for morality or spirituality in the vast majority of people’s lives is the way everybody they grew up with thinks…
Without very real inner work, most folks never move beyond it.”

“Falling Upward” Richard Rohr

For me personally moving in a different direction to a majority I grew up with has been an incredible and life changing learning experience.. no safety net here.. I didn’t realise how conditioned I was.. it’s scary, confronting, learning to trust God alone often without props, learning true spirituality.. everything is tested that you once knew.. found peace & joy I never knew within the walls of institutional church.. I get to know the real spirit of people and I basically can connect on far deeper levels.. really is a living by Spirit & truth.. I can see God working much much more clearly.. I have new vision, different vision.. I know HIM very closely because I’ve learnt to see him in the darkest night where nobody else was.. ❤️️🕊
It’s definitely not for the faint hearted.. you will unlearn everything, you will be rejected by almost everyone.. but this is where you learn God WILL NEVER EVER leave you.. you learn that you are HIS beloved..

 

Escape

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project — Day 27 

(haven’t given up just taking my time lol)

“Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.” — Twyla Tharp
I wish I could communicate like everyone else. I often get tongue-tied even when I am with people and that’s without throwing in deafness. Every day conversations aren’t deep enough either and I go away frustrated that I didn’t say or ask others the things I really wanted to say.  I turn off easily and that’s not the fault of people I’m with it’s just I crave deep soul connection and it’s tiring having to try to hear and understand even half of what’s said and find a way to dig deep as well. I also like to chatter on about everything too but that’s hard to do when few are around and there are barriers.

 Art stops me giving up shutting down completely.  I used to wish more people saw it but now I just have to churn it out to survive. 🙂

Somehow when I create.. everything i miss and all that’s unsaid inside me doesn’t need to be said. Somehow it’s absorbed into what I’m doing and where my art takes me and it’s enough.. I don’t have to go anywhere and yet I feel fully alive and happy. As if I’ve travelled all over the globe and sailed the widest ocean. 

When I create and express myself I’m not disabled and I can go as deep as I need. 

It doesn’t have to sound right, it can be loud or soft, bright or dull. Angry or sad and I’m not restricted. Yet it still says what I need to say. 

Things fit together in this world. I don’t have to explain myself here. I don’t have to miss out.. 

Why I love what I do is when I started looking for cut outs from magazines for this page. With the word prompt “Escape” in my head I found the word almost straight away. As if this very page was exactly what I was meant to do today. It was waiting for me.. My life seems fitted for creativity and I run here more often than not.

I see it as God going before.. meeting me here. I’m welcome. I’m free. I’m happy. I’m contributing. 

I find the connection I need to live the life I live. Meaningful & with purpose. I can let my emotions sparkle & shine. I can share my heart & soul and enjoy doing it. Where I can be fully me and speak my truths. Live a full life within this skin and the circumstances I’m born into. Where joy springs from within no matter how many emotions I might have felt up to this point. I belong and gracefully even my imperfections are perfectly at home in this place.. 

(( For this Art Journal page.  I painted over an image in a magazine with water colours and gelatos and it ripped unfortunately when I pulled the page out.. I’ve kept it and didn’t throw it away.. symbolises embracing my own imperfections.. I’m learning colouring skin, drawing faces and the shaping of the face, shading, colouring and practising finding my own way to express my own unique art.. )) 

Belonging

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Journey : 30 Day Journal Project

Day 24

BELONGING

“It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Prompt — I  feel I belong..

Oh my this is a good one. I decided to choose the more positive prompt. 🙂
Belonging is so very important. It’s a life force which flows from one to the other probably when you are a people person you can take it for granted. But when you fall through the cracks of life you can yearn for it and realize it’s value and see its goodness and purpose much better because it is something you do not feel you have.
I think of it like electricity poles without wires. The interactions we make with each other fire us up every day. It is why when a stranger smiles at you it makes you feel really good inside.

I am energized by creative people. Whether I am in their company or not. Their art or expressions just seem to have a life of its own or a part of the person’s spirit resides in their creativity and transmits to the one who admires it. I feel I belong in such company. It is hard to explain. But although creative people appear to be different sorts of people. They are warm and welcoming in ways that are beyond the physical. You feel drawn to them but also strangely connected. In their midst you are much happier. You do belong and I guess maybe you feel like you know them better then you actually do. Old souls or something.

I don’t need them to be constantly in my life because they kinda already are. They have affected a part of me inside. Inspired me and their art keeps me going, gives me hope, draws out of me what I cannot get out of myself on my own. They seem to accept you as you are and you them.

There can be similarities to our journeys even though we may be on completely different sides of the earth, believe totally different things and even have different centuries of birth. That one I touched on last blog post.

I know people feed off each other. I cannot speak from an extroverts position. I am a loner. But it doesn’t mean I don’t wish to belong I really really do. I just flow differently that’s all. I still need to meet and mingle with fish in my stream. I guess it makes me daily search to find it.  I do it all of course from the internet. Ha. My bedroom. Spirit is found on-line and I love that our modern world has this option. It is strange though. Years ago you would be completely isolated if there were no people around you and even mailing hand written letters would take months to arrive. We do take the written word so much for granted these days. We get annoyed if our texts are not answered straight away!!!

I never know where my writing is going to flow when I do it. 

Being a single woman who is a romantic at heart flying solo I loathe it but yes I do have lots of time to do art and nobody is going to care if art supplies are flung across my bed.
So I am going to base my art journal page along with this writing on my hearts desire that is to be loved and passionately because that is a belonging I crave. Now I KNOW spiritually GOD loves me more than any human man or woman could ever love me. I do not physically see HIM or feel HIM that way. 

I found a beautiful book at an op shop yesterday (thrift store) about quotes and pics of love.
One quote which touched my heart is “Trust in my affection for you. Tho’ I may not display it exactly in the way you like and expect it, it is not therefore less deep and sincere. ~ Anna Jameson, 1833 “

Now that IS exactly how my wildly romantic heart has to function these days. I have to stubbornly believe it without seeing or physically feeling it. NOW I can feel it if I take these words into my heart and see with spiritual eyes that GOD is speaking and loving me. Faith is a powerful ally. Children hear Santa on the roof. Authors imagine whole other worlds without actually seeing them with their eyes. Imagination is a great gift.

 God has shown me there is great joy in HIS presence. The bible says that too but I have also felt this said joy despite my life and situation. A joy flood over me in my room or wherever I am aware of HIM but not the bible HIM I was taught since childhood only the personal HIM I found on my own.. It is supernatural. I mean it is not of me at that moment. I truly believe as I have trusted GOD. Yet that word GOD is not enough.. Jesus, Yeshua much closer to explaining HIM who is dear to me. I do not know what word actually would come close to explaining how I really feel about HIM. HE is a real presence to me and why I always capitalize the words to honor HIM. I know in text speak it symbolizes shouting. But to me capitalizing his name I am revering the presence and how real and big and beautiful HE is to me.

A realm of understanding where I belong more than ANY place on earth and am affectionately known and beloved MORE than any human on earth. I can literally be pulled by a desire to speak to HIM that is I guess likened to when you wish to stalk a certain person or be close to someone you desire or only just to hear them say your name. Except that it isn’t a figure I can talk to face to face. Hand on my heart. Hands raised. What I call real worship. Because it isn’t forced and it springs from within and its not only on Sunday. It can be anywhere and anyplace. Personal. I mean I can speak as I am. Awkward. Spazzy. Too many words that spill out all at once that not anyone wishes to hear at anytime but HE does. Spontaneous. For the most I’d say private too. Not that I am ashamed. But I get excited and because I am deaf I speak loud and people shush me always. GOD doesn’t seem to mind. 🙂 But I will anywhere and with anyone also in the moment.

What has surprised me most of all. That I was never taught in church. Is just HOW MUCH HE loves me. In church it’s all focus totally on GOD and the rituals and presentation of it is sort of to be as perfect as you can be. Doesn’t bide well for a clumsy, loud and often late to church person.
But I don’t know it seemed to be to the detriment of the value of ones messy soul. Perhaps in recent years when I have not been in the building of a Sunday things are changing. But I had to leave the building to find the whole truth and I am still learning. My life is not what you would call overly religious by the standard I once adhered too. I suppose reading this you would think I was still there lol. But I am in pjs and it’s almost midday as I write. I do not go to a building and haven’t for years. I do not deliberately daily read the bible though I quote from it. Nor have hour long prayer times set aside.

I just live aware of HIM. HE is more like the air I breathe every day. Like the quote says. I live my life trusting in HIM rather then a set of rules and regulations that I adhere too strictly. I can see that many things HE said are helpful and important. And I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water. I live from within rather than from without. Spirit and truth rather than a wider based term of ‘Christianity’..

I belong because of HIM and what HE did and because of who HE is and who that makes me. Yet I am fully me as I am through HIM. True freedom. I found myself totally an utterly transformed when aware of HIS realm. Takes faith yes. Strong focus because we want what we want and sometimes it doesn’t come the way we wish for it in the physical but also our old ways do not work here so to belong we need to think different. It also takes a stubbornness. A stubbornness to not give up but live as if I was in this realm every single moment of every single day. It has taken a strong heart too because you know dropping out of ‘church’ suddenly you are very much on your own. Oh I know I belong despite how people think I am, judge me to be or how many still believe I have fallen away. But you have to live in this world side by side and they so far for the most who live religiously give me the cold shoulder. See me as out of the fold rather than in. That isn’t so easy to imagine away.

Also it is realizing that many are still not aware that spirit is different to flesh living and that is perhaps why they cannot yet see what I see and live as I live but I’m sharing it regularly and not hiding. For quite some time it’s felt I am in a different world to most everyone else..

We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words — to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves. (The Weight Of Glory) C.S. Lewis

Voyage of Persistance

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Day 23/30 Day Journal Project

“Make voyages. Attempt them. There’s nothing else.”

— Tennessee Williams

Prompt : What propels me forward..

I am propelled forward by the content I come across in life and as always it fits. Doesn’t matter when I look for it. What time of day or state of mind I am in. It all fits. This is exactly what keeps me going forward.

Lord have mercy. When there is nothing in the tank but still I can drive ha ha. What is that?? A miracle. IT IS HIS strength in my weakness.. is what it is. No doubt about that. It is an inward journey I am on or voyage. Sailing the sea of the Kingdom of God. My Spirit alive and free. While my body sadly lags. My flesh gave up many moons ago. True that.

Today the magazine cover floors me. It is a magazine I rarely read that comes in the mail because I am in a roadside assist for my car. Magazine comes with the deal. I cut pictures out of it that is about it. But today the cover oh my oh my.
THIS is what propels me forward. That a Lion is a representation of GOD. Look at the title. Woah.. In the KING’S DOMAIN. Couldn’t be anymore accurate!! I have basically failed in the human domain. Mmm and I am not ashamed to say that. But IN HIS domain well it’s a whole different ball game. The Kingdom of God is within. So my introversion serves me well.

My daily voyages are in-wards. Art picture fits. I copied or drew it based on another artists pic. Nothing like the original except the figure is based on it. No worries about copyright lol. I just liked the closed eyes and the hand on her heart. It’s a representation of myself and my inner voyage. The arrows are outward pressures. I have felt them about as strongly as I ever have of late. I don’t always fair well with the voyage. It can be choppy seas and I spend most of it holding the edge of the ship and hanging on for dear life. But when I do cry out to God and look for HIM HE is always with me. Last night he was speaking to me in my dreams. It felt like I was not sleeping much. But today I am no more tired than other days so I don’t know what exactly it was. He seemed to have much to say. Traditional type prayers have kind of let me down. I don’t know it’s very hard to know what to pray for when you don’t see much change in your life. Our oldest daughter has had what looks like a relapse of earlier illness that knocked her around as a teenager. It’s a knife in your heart when a child suffers. You suffer along with them as a parent. You may not feel the pain they do but you feel a different kind of suffering alongside of them. Our daughter has worked so hard to get through university, finally is qualified and doing nicely and illness strikes. It seems so unfair.

The other night I cried out with what felt like virtually no faith at all. I have never been in that place before. I have always had some faith. Small though it may be but never what felt faithless. I was crying and just saying GOD I don’t believe help my unbelief. I guess even when you feel you have none I was aware and still crying to God. But it felt so absolutely empty my faith gauge. Like I didn’t even want to because nothing much happens in that prayer realm but I still need help and my daughter needs help. So Damn it I am here crying because I have nowhere else to turn.

I know HE is there and I do not doubt that. I know HIM very closely because there isn’t really even a person I can talk too about deep things anymore. Not in a way I feel I need too. I am glad HE is there I was just very physically low that night and stretched thin. Strange times. I know others go through it too in their own way. One thing that amazed me as I cried out was what I said.
“LORD I want to see.”
Over and over. Now I am single and a loner and my heart cry wasn’t for a man or friend. Though I did also cry out for someone just one other person who gets me and I can share my heart and this crazy loneliness with. But my main cry was to see!?! Just has felt very dark for quite some time. No breakthroughs. No changes. I have had no energy for much at all. Nothing that I could say has happened that I could put my finger on. This is helping me or that is helping me or this person is close and I can go to them. Has been no one. Not the way I need. I want to see something more for all the darkness. I know I have not been alone in it. I know it all has helped me know peace and joy and spiritual strength like nothing else on earth could bring me. That is there that has not alluded me. It is just this darkness and void that I walk through daily that seems never ending. It is a most unpleasant place.

To see the Lion. To read “In the King’s domain.” To talk here and now about a voyage. To talk about what propels me forward. Is this. That I desperately need to see GOD for HE alone is the only one who knows and can comfort me right now in this place. HE who can make HIS presence known even using a secular magazine. It is incredibly comforting I just suppose I need to avail of HIM more then ever before. It may not mean anything to anyone else but to me it is the “seeing” I need and I have cried out for. I must believe I am indeed in HIS realm. That HE is taking care of me and I can let go of all that outwardly isn’t making sense and seems to be obliterating me from the outside.

Look beyond the difficult to the clear messages and signs GOD is sending my way and putting in my path. Avail it. Breathe it. Live it. Share it. 🙂

At the end of this writing I will show you what I am seeing and have seen in the past. I really truly hope sharing my own personal low and high moments. Anyone else struggling will start seeing GOD in their own lives in whatever way HE shows up and that your spirit sees more clearly than ever before. No I cannot unfortunately save you from the physical world or give you anything in that realm but I can show you that GOD has not abandoned you therefore somehow someway there is something greater happening and inwardly we can be revived and I believe we will walk through it eventually.

++ The art of the Lion I came across over 3 years ago and it so so so encourages me in my life journey and it helps me for where I am and how I am.. you should be able to see it still links in and is extremely relevant.. I paid the artist money to download it, keep and use it.

If my life is my art, then…

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project

Day 17

ARTMAKING

“Life is pure adventure, and the sooner we realize that, the quicker we will be able to treat life as art.”
— Maya Angelou

Today’s Journal Prompt

If my life is my art, then…  Here I am.

I did an art journaling piece for this day 17 and also wrote a poem. Taking my time with this 30 days. 🙂

Took me about 24 hours to do so. I have been participating in a free Mental health and literature university course so what I have been learning has influenced the way I wrote it. Using a rhyming parameter within the poem because I like the challenge of fitting in the content of what I want to say to a sort of guideline. I haven’t let myself get too pedantic with it because I am still learning to write but I worked with it quite a while to make it sound more the way I wanted it too and feel proud of myself I had a go.

I really don’t know what to name it lol. so atm the poem has not got a title.

The art journaling quote is actually adapted from a talk by Stephen Fry when he spoke on a video lesson from said University course above. Resonated with me. I used my own writing  to show it has personal meaning to me.

I think my art is too simple but yet the spirit in me is NOT simple and I have to get over the fear that my physical life (deafness, shyness, introversion, simplicity and lack of social skills) doesn’t restrict my spirit.

I can connect to others despite myself and still make my way in the world.

I love love love the explanation Stephen Fry shares of how an artist uses his or her craft. My heart leaps inside me to be of this kind. It is exactly what I hope and wish the time I spend, the work I put into my art be for. That this isolation I face daily, this being alone so much actually has a purpose in the whole scheme of things and my writing and art journaling is in actual fact a bridge of connection for me to walk over spiritually, mentally, emotionally etc

With this whole days prompt I have tried to describe what art means to me, how it helps me, why I do it and why it is SO important. I really am learning to define myself better and can you believe it. Use less words lol. I tend to over explain everything though. Poetry is good for condensing what you want to say.

I am trying not to be too religious rather I want that to be seen in my heart and expressions, not just because of my language and outward appearance.

But it is hard not to be. I have been religious almost all my life. So its a challenge not to put God in there as I think people want Him to be in there or even how I think HE should be in there. I want to try new things. God is always my source so I want my heart to flow from that naturally. I am rather tired of the religious trappings and it tends to stifle me too. I have learnt to bypass the way most people communicate because of deafness and I think yes unlike the parameters in my poem. I want to be anti boxed in with my spirit. I want my soul/spirit/expressions to be real and authentic and find a connection not just with religious people but all people. Everyone has a spirit. God is everywhere and HE can speak to people in many ways and I try to push the boundaries of how I express my faith.

 

Perimeter of my life.

Gauging the edges.

Authenticity from strife.

Flows beyond inspiration.

Not just a heart expressed.

Spirit healing co-ordination.

Channeling Kingdom within.

Transparent of heart.

Communication is the thing.

Breaking through cessation.

Art the portal.

Soul colored exclamation.

– Peacechild4 :SMP –

 

Home

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I feel most at home.. Sharing my heart unashamedly and freely. But there is a risk to it. You put yourself out there and you are opening yourself up to be criticized, judged and talked about. Ha ha either become popular or unpopular or completely misunderstood. 

Yesterday I shared my heart on a topic on-line and immediately felt the latter so that I edited it quite a few times then eventually deleted it altogether. I could see it seemed what I wrote was personally aimed but it really wasn’t. I felt I had to change it even though I’d done nothing wrong.  I realise I need to be careful. But sometimes no matter what you say or how you say it someone can take it wrong.. 

So although one needs to be wise when they open up yeah if you did stay safe you may not put anything out there at all. I wonder sometimes why there has seemed such a personal negative splash back on my sharing and simply for being myself? Many people have wished I was quiet. I give sport to others. Why I can still feel afraid saying anything? If you thought about it too much you would stop altogether.

You know what? I’m still saying it 🙂 fearlessly.. Bravely..  be it with a little trepidation. 

 You’d think by sharing your heart you are actually wanting attention but that has never been the case with me. Just how I am made and I don’t have the support system around me to talk about it so I do this instead. I write and express creatively about and from my own personal experience. Perhaps it is why it appears so acutely that others feel it to the extent they think it is about them or their lives? So maybe I should not be afraid of misunderstandings but indeed see that they are showing me there is some recognition to be found in what I write. I have always felt sorta different to most. But if someone is noticing than there must be some kind of similarity at some point. Otherwise I’d be so off base they would either think I was crazy and ignore me altogether or take no notice at all. That they do says something. Though I do not like anyone thinking I’m having a go at them because its definitely not who I am or being made fun of even if it is behind closed doors. You psyche seems to pick up vibes though and you do sense the people who could be doing it. Maybe it is a God thing too?

Home for me is my every day life, being inspired by what surrounds me and by what brings me alive and I love talking about that. Keeps me going. Like right now I want to stop because of the incident yesterday because this writing seems stupid and maybe even pointless.

Home is where my spirit is and where I can be totally myself but should I be? Why am I afraid right here and right now? Why do I want to stop writing? Nobody needs to read it? Why can’t I just enjoy this? What does it matter if someone misunderstands me? I mean it happens to us all doesn’t it? I do not go out of my way to offend anybody. I live from my heart. I don’t know why others cannot see that my heart IS NOT evil. It has almost destroyed me that people thought the worst of me. But sometimes it has been that various people have been jealous and I do not know why? Maybe that I can do this? Talk about myself, feelings, express it openly? I do not know. I am not going to stop though I never have. This is where I live, brought alive through writing, through expressing ups and downs, thoughts, feelings and joys, sadnesses. Sometimes not many notice but that is ok. I enjoy doing it anyway and if you look at my art you can see I am not a perfectionist. I drink my coffee, I get things off my chest. I do some art. I tell my truth. I share my faith. I can even share my insecurities. I have gone through very hard things and thankfully they did not stop me. I have grown here. I have faced it and I have done some healing.

Home is where my heart is and where my heart is expressed I am most happy and free. I always enjoy returning to expressive writing, prompts, arts and journaling. I return to read. Return to open up my heart. Return to share it where I do also connect with others. Return to remember who I am and what matters most. Return to express life where I am always welcome even if it’s a struggle to find the words or stay and battle it out on a page. Even when I feel restricted by things that try so hard to shut me down my every word is determination to overcome my personal demons. Home because God is here and His Spirit meets me here too, no wonder I love it here and indeed I think creativity is my run too place. If the outside world is hard, I’m lonely or feeling restricted in any way. I always have this place to return too.. For me this is Home.

Dreams

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Day  14

I really, really, really, really want to…

Dream again.

You can get so bogged down in survival. Even seems a ridiculous word to use in every day life doesn’t it. But that is what we do daily. Go through the motions. Day in and day out, a sort of hard slog and no wonder it feels heavy and burdensome. Feel like the sky is always gray and the road is always uphill. We forget to dream. We think it’s wrong somehow. Yet every night there are dreams in our heads as we lie fitfully in our bed. They come whether we wish it or not. Yes they can be nightmares. They can seem stupid or pointless but they still come. For a long time I didn’t recall them but I am more aware of dreams I have nightly except that very soon once I wake the content of what I dreamed about fades away.

Why do we humans feel so guilty to enjoy our lives? To find a little respite here and there to help make our journey more bearable. A couple of times I really do believe God gave me gifts to help me fill in the time. Raising children you can be stuck in the home, you can get lost in daily chores and running back and forth but not really going anywhere. There were a few times I have been given access to lots of books. When I was knee deep in raising young children I lived in a remote town where there is not a lot of places to go. I used to do a weekly bible study group with other ladies. The Lady who led the group was a missionary. She had a bookstore in her home. Helped make some money to support their work but also to provide materials for local people. Often people would send her things to help their family and to help those of us that they gave their lives to minister too and at one time someone sent a huge shipment of books.

Pam set them up in a library for free borrowing. I hungrily took advantage of reading probably most of them and listening to sermons on cassette that was back when I could hear much better. I really felt blessed because it helped me survive raising children which is wonderful but can be so tiresome. Like an escape, a way to learn when you are not getting much feedback and your body is exhausted but your mind is alive and starving for more of something. Husband was at work all day and too tired most night to do much talking. And you are stuck with kids all day lol. Books helped immensely. I thanked God for those moments when the children were asleep or at school or for a snatch here and they were contented and not fighting or making a mess. I was so very blessed with babies and young children who slept all night except for times of sickness.. I think from 6 weeks old every baby slept all night.

Two years ago or thereabouts it happened again.. A friend of the family gave me 5 or 6 huge bags of books to do whatever I wanted with because she didn’t need them anymore. I did actually give some away because there was no way I could read them all. But I remember I did take a deep sigh you know when she gave them to me. I thought ohh I am in for a huge chunk of time where God knows that I will need occupying lol. And yes as my children in this stage of life are growing up I have more time. Being disabled here in Australia I do not have to work I’m on a pension and am home an awful lot, and every weekend the children go to their Fathers so I am alone on weekends. These books comfort me that God cares about me and about my having something to fill in my time. I enjoy reading so I see that God cares about us being happy and enjoying our lives and I really do not feel that He expects humans to be busy always working. That it is OK to rest and not just sludge through life. Books and stories help me dream they help my mind stay alive when sometimes I feel lonely and can just shut down. I can be comforted by the characters and getting lost in the stories. 

Yes I do not have to feel so damn guilty for filling in time that sometimes seems to swallow me up. Our society is ALL about productivity unfortunately and it shocks me these days when very very young  children are pushed out into the world and it’s all so much about stimulation and learning that I think play time, dreaming and fun must surely be things we seem to frown upon. I mean everything seems so darn controlled, regimented, something to slot in on our time tables. Well not my life lol. But even so I still feel that pull on me. That I am worthless because I DO NOT live like the majority. It’s like please do not waste your life dreaming. You need to produce something with your life, do do do.

Dreams come and go but they lift you up. Make you hopeful. Gives you beautiful thoughts and daydreams that dance in your head. Your body might age. Kids grow up. You might be alone a lot but stories can fill your heart and mind with life inducing dreams.. I don’t think your spirit ever ages. It makes life beautiful, bearable and fun once again.

Day 13 : Challenge

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Ways I live my life bravely..

I am writing this at a time, day, moment in my life where recent events have come to a head and I need to get it out of me. I don’t know if that could be considered a bravery but perhaps it is when I publicize it? I just cannot function and I know I will and do shut down if I do not do something more with it. I do not want to internalize it. Take the pain within and mull it over or continue to store it inside me. Bravery is facing it or getting it out and especially being honest about it. I want to get over it not keep reliving it and I certainly do want to learn how to cope better and how if anything I can stop it happening.

I do not have many at this stage I can talk about this with personally so yeah tough titties to those who would see me and think — grin and bare it or take it only to God. Cause that ain’t going to happen sorry I already take it to God and I still need to speak of it.

It is brave to speak the truth even if nobody wants to hear it or believe me. It doesn’t make it less true. It just destroys me if I say nothing and I am wiser than that. I won’t stay quietly suffering just because people cannot deal with me speaking about it.

I wish I could just solve it and get over it. I really do wish it. But sometimes when another person is involved and they keep doing the same things to me which hurts me. I cannot just say “I forgive you” and then let them keep doing it to me.. That is insanity. I deal with it and this is my way to do that.

I cannot just let someone treat me wrong because they do not think they are. That they use excuses to justify it or even gloss over it as if the problem is all me. Well hey if I am the problem then taking myself out of the equation is wise isn’t it. Lol yet they expect me to just stand their bleeding and get on with it and just forget it about it because it is in past. I will not especially if the past continues to be right now.

My blood and wounds may be invisible to you. My blood may run freely and still be invisible to you but this is not about you is it. You don’t need to read this. You don’t need to even consider this. I am not doing this to make you understand me or help you in any way. Heck no. I am doing this to survive.

Bravery even if it appears stupidity to you or anyone else is in-sequential. What is important is this is needed for me and I do it for me not you regardless of what you think or how it looks. I think that is strength and bravery right there. Though yes I do it publicly because for so long keeping quiet has made my life harder.

I have been hurt by how someone treats me. Someone that is close in relation to me. Someone who seems not to even know what they are doing even when I tell them and they do not seem to value at all how I feel about it. So all the speaking to them does nothing. At an impasse. This is my way to deal with it so it does not keep me down. I rise through the speaking. I do separate myself as much as I can from it. That brings its own problems but I will not just take blows upon myself because the other person doesn’t understand what it does to me. Maybe they do not understand my separation from them either but at least in the separating myself I am not being landed with blow after blow. That is far worse. Yes a quandary appears. I suppose everyone who only hears the other side would see me as stand offish. Rude. Uncaring. Bitchy. Cruel or even making the other person’s life harder. Again I do not do such to offend, place burdens on them but rather to protect myself from more harm. Often it is done out of sheer survival not to hurt but to help.

This is it then the need to explain myself as well but also because I need to say it somewhere. It helps immensely to validate that it is happening because believe me staying quiet is denial to me and not speaking about it eats me up inside. I am silently destroyed.

I sigh as I write. Why do I do this? Tell my side? To show that I am suffering? Does it matter in the long run? I need to do it. I need to say it somewhere so why not here? That I struggle with a relationship. It is said and I feel heard even as I type the words. I am not afraid to say it. I am not afraid to be honest about it. I do not think I am running the other person down when I talk about how it affects me. That is not my intention. I just thank God for the gift of sharing this way of writing. Of getting it out of me and that it matters to me even if it matters not to another soul.