Love Break Through..

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Feeling so much love for myself.. It hasn’t been reliant on others though its always nice to be loved by others. I think all my life it’s been an outward experience of love you know the kind that puts self last and gives because it’s the right thing to do. I love you.. You love me. Without making everyone that has ever said they loved me feel bad. It seemed a surface kind of love. I have been giving that kind too..

The kind you expect from others and if you don’t get it you feel bleh the kind that is obligated and perhaps even conditional and the kind that only loves those whom you want to love and not everyone gets it.. You withold it!?! I have heard love your neighbor kind of thing and deny yourself and that’s what I think has left me empty.. Never ever looking at myself with eyes of love so the emptiness inside its been soul sucking. I think not knowing I was worthy of love or felt loved I have not been able to love others. Period. I know God is love right. Heard it all my life but when it comes to being alone, when friends turn away, when bad things happen to you. That love I learned falls ohh so short and where is it if we are all supposed to be loving. Where is it???? The cries go unheard. The fingers point and say do this and do that. You get the backs of people instead of their fronts. You come up empty and depleted and although many question God at this point and that is totally understandable. I don’t know why but I dug my heels in and believed HE loved me and was with me. He told me that. Phew I am glad I was stubborn in that. Found Him big way lol. Not at all like I was told and taught by people and even very religious and deeply spiritual people or seemed so. No no. Forced. Reliant on what I did or didn’t do. On doing what everybody else did..

To be loved when I feel I am failing and not have anything expected of me.. Yummy. To be loved when I am enjoying my life. Yahoo.. To enjoy life in the way I choose. FREEDOM!!! To love even if it doesn’t come back and never ever have to hold it back ever. Ohh its heavenly.

Not expecting it from anyone, or craving it but knowing it deep within in a way that feels real and warm and freeing. It’s always been about doing this and not doing that. Instead of just enjoying life. Weird isn’t it. It has felt selfish for so long. I bet there are some or many who may read this and think I have totally lost the plot. But finally I am starting to allow it inside me and again that isn’t reliant on anyone else or what they think. That I am worthy of love too. I mean almost all my life I did things a certain way and didn’t do a whole lot of things too. It’s amazing to be free.. It’s exquisite to become fully me. To find what I like and what brings me joy. It is good.. I truly believe that God wants to see us this way!! All of us!!

I have started a beautiful art course by Kelly Rae Roberts called “Hello Soul Hello Mantra Mixed Media Painting Ecourse”. And its so fun. I have mostly just watched the videos and read through the material. I have most of the art supplies needed which is a relief. A few things I need to get and have to wait till pay day. I have completed some of the practice backgrounds.
I bought a package deal from Kelly Rae Roberts which was only offered for about 48 hours. Ten year anniversary deal. Oh wow it feels the whole thing is in my hands at the absolute perfect time. Everything is perfect. From speaking from soul which is so me. To just letting go and doing it without thinking and without needing it to be perfect and I need that.. It is personal, fun and delightfully freeing. I am so excited, pumped and ready to flow…

I do need to finish off my recent 30 day writing course lol so this post is another part of getting to the end of that. While I gather the last few things I need to really jump into the art course. The prompt being to write freely describing myself inside and outside, to a complete stranger. Celebrating myself honestly and unbiased. Oh the joy of living from my soul. Thank YOU LORD!!!!!!

Daily Prompt…. Day 26..

She stands back, shy. Quiet but to those who know her she is loud. Hair that is straight at the top and curls/waves underneath. Red hair because she dyes it but it can have a mind of its own. Slips away from conversations before you know it. Rarely seen in public. Home body. Loves coffee a bit too much. She may say nothing but smile. Her heart is shared openly and daily where it flows best and up till now many have not appeared to see it but that is changing. Happy with her own company. On line she lives mostly. Loves to do art and read and write. Collects things like art stuff, books and knick knacks and her room is her kingdom. A lot of her favorite things in there!! Loves birds, rainbows and sun streaming from clouds. She days dreams and can live whole afternoons in her imagination. A messy. Not overly confident but getting more so in her own way. Loves deep talks but rarely gets them so if she does talk to someone it can just pour out. Likes familiarity. Likes walking and singing. Loyal to a few. Creative spirit and deep faith but she believes in GOD with her where she is and doesn’t need props. Loves to share her truth and heart expressions. Childlike and loves simple things. Because she is introverted can appear selfish. Believes in love, light, but being honest about struggles and darkness. She will laugh too loud, but love to hard. Loves her children and kindred spirits. Romantic at heart. Awkward. Quirky. She can be very lazy and lay back. Loves inspiration. Lives mostly in the moment.. Rarely plans, wastes time without realizing it being easily distracted. A free Spirit.. Talks to God and loves His presence both in spirit and truth. Enjoys Him as He enjoys her. Not the religious way but through faith and she sees Him everywhere. Might be in a bird outside her window or a rainbow in the sky or in a smile from a stranger or in someone pausing to ask about her day or art. He is sunlight and warmth and kindness to her. Joy is her desire however it comes and always loves to experience deep soul, relies on his grace and in His out of this world peace… He is her everything. Ling life abundant her deepest desire and to share that with the world her calling.

me1

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