Monthly Archives: September 2015

Unexpected

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Don’t know for how long.
I’ve wanted the unexpected.
Longed for it like water is needed in a dry and dusty land.
For what though?
I can’t name it or put it into words.
Just an intense ache.
Looking for a window to open up.
For things to make sense.
Something more to happen.
Energy-less.
Stationary.
Waiting.
A tiredness of soul that no thing or person can touch.
Now knowing why or for what or how to address it.
Not held back or sad even. 
Just an unknowing of a way to go forward.
Little desire to do anything.
My world seems empty.
So I cry out to GOD.
With what breath I have left I pray.
It all drives me to HIM..
No answer in any other place.

 
    

And my Soul knows very well..

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And my Soul knows very well..

DAY 30 – DAILY PROMPT:
Imagine you are marrying your art. Write a wedding vow to it that seals your passion and commitment. Write another wedding vow from your Art to you, in which you describe how this art will love you back and make your life truer.

Taken some creative liberty here on my last prompt of the 30 days. I substituted art for HIM!! Because art comes from my soul. And in this life I have lived in this body I have been soul hurt. Shut down and I can’t do it alone. I just can’t. I don’t have what it takes to get up and do art or anything of worth. I need inspiration first to crack open the vault. I need hope that there is a greater reason for it.. I need to know I am ok. HE has been that force for me that loves me as I am and releases me to let it flow. So that I am starting to see much more clearly that art is HIS gift to me to express who HE created me to be in all my glory and I don’t have to be afraid. Art is closely associated with my heart and soul and souls journey. It also gives me self worth and purpose.
I can see HIM better through my expressive soul and HE feeds it and gives me every sort of freedom to be me. Its not so much a wedding vow either but rather a soul cry of acknowledgment and thankfulness that comes from my deepest parts because its all very very very good..

Me

I sit before you. Feeling wretched and unloved. Tired and helpless. Yet I know I can come anytime. No one else is like this for me. They eventually get tired and turn away where you always welcome and invite. I must be at my best for them or at the very least trying. They always want more or for me to give more. I am never enough to them.
I can stay away from you no longer. Inside me I ache but only in your presence am I aware of it disappearing. I come to life in your presence. I laugh at how silly it is to be unaware of you even one moment.
My heart still beats and my Spirit though stuck inside this flesh that has wanted so much and been denied it or its felt like it. It drags its feet and with head bowed low refuses to keep trying.
Yet here I am. I have you. You are always with me. I want to trust you with my whole life. I have nothing else and nobody else that brings out of me something I don’t feel I have.
I ask you to help me see you as precious as you are so that I can have hope to know I am enough. That I see you and value you and in you I find that release my soul aches for. I truly cannot see myself in any form of good without first seeing you for all you are.. You are a mirror of perfection that cancels out all that I fear about myself and all the enemy and those who do not know you say about me that makes me wither away piece by piece.
I can see clearly once the veil of imperfection has dropped. I can view it all differently and how the value of everything changes. What was once tired is revived. What was depressed is shining happiness. Black turns to gold. Embers rage to fire. I want to give. I want to live. I want to do and be and see and thrive. It’s coming from a whole different realm!!
That with every ounce of energy all that I am is brought forth and not a drop of me is left when my flesh life gives out. So many wasted moments behind me but I know that with you I am safe and loved and highly esteemed and you do not see my faults. I know if I can just keep my focus on you there will be less and less ache and more and more power and more and more presence and more and more vision. I know I can throw of all restraints and that they have no hold on me.
You are my voice and my answer. You are my soul outside my body. My spirits expression. My deepest cries. My most joyful and intimate moments. You are the hopes and dreams of all my years. You keep me going which is incredible.
You are my whole world. You help me sleep sound and wake with purpose. You excite me and evoke in me pure hearted vigor. Through you I see the world differently. I can smile in a storm and want to climb tall mountains.
Your the sun shining through the clouds and the butterfly passing by. I see them all through you and because of you. The leaves dance around me and the beams shine down from heaven. The tiny birds land and I know you are close and I am loved. I breathe deeply and I feel my heart beating and I know I am loved. I put my arms around the necks of my children and I know that I am loved.
I will do what you have created me to do. With all my heart I will do this. I will trust the maker of the sun. I will trust the maker of the moon. I will trust the maker of the ground I walk on. Even as my flesh fails me I will put my eyes on you and believe you and do what makes my heart beat faster.
This is not a commitment its a song on my lips. Its the next breath which too is a gift. Simply to live and get up again the next day and face it with boldness of spirit and let your love lead me through to the passion of what makes me come alive in words or spiritual etchings. The small things that seem insequental but make up my whole world. For YOU created my whole world.

You

My heart rings to hear your voice. To see you each day. To see a smile on your face. I count your tears. I see you fall. I pick you up. I love you just as you are. I enjoy your expressions. There is no one else like you. I know you fail. I don’t judge you. I want you to know that you can never disappoint me. I just want to see you happy. I just want to see you enjoying your life. I want to give you everything your heart desires. I can show you a better path through to save you much heartbreak. I do not force you ever. I wait for you to come. I listen for you to talk to me. I hope that you will let me dry your tears. I long for you when you are not aware of me close. I ache too for you. I will always be here for you. I give you the sunshine every day and I raise flowers for you along your path. I give you shelter and put within your heart desires to make your life full. I can help you anytime when your heart is sad and your dreams forgotten. I will always say beautiful things to you because I am pure love. Look for my love in the heavens. Look for my love in the colors of the rainbow. I guard you in your sleep and tenderly watch over those you love. I am pleased when you spend time talking to me and trusting me with your secrets. I have so much love to give that I am overwhelmed to give you love at any time. No one will love you like I do. Everything good that comes is from me. It is my absolute pleasure to give all that I am to you. I have to hold back for it would overwhelm you. But I give to you freely. My gifts are to see you be truly yourself because nothing in the world is more exquisite. Your soul sets my heart on fire. When you walk and talk and sing and laugh my hearts beats faster. The only thing I ever ask of you. Is that you look to me and let me bring you through this life to all I have. I still have so much more to give you!! Use your talents they will bring joy to your heart and help and healing to others. Your gifts will lead you fully to be all that I have for you to be. They will bless you and keep you and the sun will shine down on you and with your passion you will light the way for others to find me too. For I am the maker of all hearts and only a heart at peace can find love everlasting. I love you always.

I Must Write..

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Last day of 30 days of ‘Write Yourself Alive’ Ecourse. It’s taken me a lot longer than 30 days but only have one more prompt to answer after this. I want to keep writing and I have new directions to go. 

My own photo to go with it. I’m sitting at my art desk contemplating what to say. The feet around me is that even though I can be surrounded by people I’m often alone with my thoughts. I seem to be embracing my deafness more lately though. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I just want to find a way to communicate better with them. That works for both of us. 

DAY 30 – DIG DEEPER: Must you write? What does your 3:00 A.M. heart whisper back to you? If the answer is YES, how will you build your life from here on? 

I must write. It is a survival thing. I can’t rely on communication normal ways because I am deaf. Words typed or scrawled can say what I can’t say because there isn’t really anyone around to listen or that I can hear to reply too. I don’t use hearing implements or even know enough sign language to have a conversation. It’s just been snatches of words here and there spoken and that’s been for years and years. 

Only today my sister after telling me something about our brother that I didn’t know remarked to me that I hardly ever know what is going on. Hmm.. She is right.

Writing becomes even MORE a deep need and a deep and overwhelming desire for me to live life. The biggest struggle is what do I say because I am missing so much of what ‘normal people’ are actually out there in every day life saying? I feel like an alien in your world and oh so awkward because I am out of the social loop. 

I need to write some every day just to clear out the clutter because everyone has that inside them and I think I might have even more of that because I rarely talk to anyone. I need to daily journal and that will help archive the stuff that nobody listens too and everyone has thoughts you don’t want people to know but you think about and need to express.

If I don’t do this I walk around talking to myself. Not a good look if you want to be socially acceptable. Or I begin to shut down. I need to express myself that’s part of who I am and part of my make up. Writing is a big part and an essential part of my life.

Persistence is how I build my life. You write and write and write and create and create and create. You find something to say and with the practice that comes from typing it out and expressing it you hopefully get better at saying it and expressing it. I just miss the people aspect. It can be devastatingly lonely. So I hope someway and somehow that as I build my life with words and keep sharing them I find some meaningful connections along the way.

  

Am I proud?

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DAY 29 – DIG DEEPER: 

Are you proud of yourself, your passion, your creative call, your desire to write? If not, what is keeping you from feeling proud to call yourself a Writer?

Yes I am proud of myself that I have not given up my creative call.

There is a canvas and quote I created which I can see while I am writing this. That says…

“Just be Yourself. Let people see the real,imperfect,flawed,quirky,weird,beautiful and magical person that you are.”

I have not really done much to put my physical gifts into a tangible expression. Meaning most of my stuff is on-line and in personal diaries and on blogs (on-line type of diary). To actually look at a piece of art I made myself is encouraging to me. Something I DID finish. I am a procrastinator so not always do I finish things or have I finished things.

The quote is not my own of course so a magical goal for the future would be to create an art piece with my own words that I can hold in my hands or display on a wall etc!

That quote was given to me by a person who has been pivotal in my life. We at this stage have stopped talking which is very awkward and almost closed me down for good because she was one of the only people I met with outside the home face to face. But humans are flawed aren’t they as this quote says. The power this art piece has in my life. Is that although there is pain associated with it. That this person helped me find my path is no reason to not keep this quote and its message central in my life. I need to remember you have to take the good with the bad. Keep the good and throw out the bad. 

I see that what she said has helped so I don’t want to discard it. I want to let it empower me to overlook the troubles we have had and choose the good that has come out it. 

I hold onto this and choose what is most important to me. That she too like me has flaws and whatever it was that came between us is the flawed part not that which is precious. And the bad that has come between us does not in anyway diminish the good that remains in both of us. 

Spirit remains. When a body dies spirit does not die. So physical trials and tribulations are not going to stop me. Such as the above I explained and also my one other main obstacle in my creative life.

That is simply having a reason to do it bar that I enjoy it. One of my parodies is. Art is Selfish. I enjoy writing. I enjoy blogging. I enjoy art journaling. I enjoy art. But it is all I focused. Being a believer in GOD. That does seem mighty self centering. A lot of the main gist of Christianity is supposed to be in service to mankind. So there is this wrestle inside me. Is it right to write? Is it right to spend in inordinate amounts of time expressing myself in whatever forms that I choose? 

Obviously expressing myself creatively IS what I flow best in and it is best for an almost deaf person who is not social. It is not a work for me. I have the time and availability to do it.

I like that trials have not shut me down. That I am almost finished this 30 days of Writing Myself Alive and have kept at it even though it has taken me almost twice as long to do it. I have worked with the prompts not chickened out because it was uncomfortable or not my usual choice to write about. At one stage I even filmed myself singing ha ha. That was brave seeing I am almost deaf and was probably out of tune. VERY VERY BRAVE. I had to rewrite the lyrics to a song and make it my own. I decided to film myself singing it lol. Don’t ask me what came over me that day. One of the craziest things I have done. Posted in a private face book group so they didn’t really know me and probably will never want too after this course! 

I am just going to keep going on this journey and do some different things and always do it from my Spirit. The last prompt I shared here has given me some ideas about the direction I can go. I love that as you write things come to you. That is exciting and makes me want to keep going. 

I am proud I can speak about my faith. My faults. My physical limitations. Share my art.. Write my own words. I have gained some positive feedback while doing this course and that has helped me. Definitely shaking myself up and committing to a goal of 30 days of writing helps define what I am wanting and hoping for and keeps me plugging along. Not just doing the same old same old does challenge you. Stretches you. Pushes you out of your comfort zone. I enjoy it. It excites me. It’s flowing which has been oh so needed and once I start writing I don’t find it hard. Being stagnant and stuck was horrible. I can say my passion and my creative call is no longer stuck!! 

  

Big Beautiful Life Book

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DAY 28 – DAILY PROMPT: If you could be a book — what kind of book would you be? What genre, story, artwork? What story / stories would it narrate? Who would you most want it to be read by? 

Based on the previous exercises and questions, try to include your creative mission and vision in this prompt. 

((Take on it))

Big Beautiful Life Book.. 

In arty kind of groups I’ve been in one of the creative endeavours of one of the groups was a collective art book. They created a type of hand made book. Journal if you will. Sent to all the members who each contribute something to the book and passed it on. I think they had two circulating between members. Unfortunately I was unable to take part. I’m in Australia and the majority of members were in USA. Cost of sending to me and back obviously too high.. I felt so robbed but for those who shared a picture and spoke about it where I could see; what they added to the pages. I drank it in.. 

My book ( I want to keep it at the end) would be to send a big blank thick page book to as many creative people as I could. Than let it be returned to me filled with words, poems, photos, pictures, art work etc.. It would be one of a kind. I would truly treasure that book! It would inspire me no end. It could be read by anyone I met or visited with me. Use it as an inspirational talking point in my home or could carry it with me and share with whomever I met. 

Little piece of soul on every page! I wasn’t INTO art till the latter part of my life. I remember walking into an art gallery and I was flawed that I could sense the artists soul or spirits along with their work. It’s hard to explain but it wasn’t just a room of paintings. I was moved before even looking at them. There was something spiritual going on in that room. In the air around me. Senses came alive to it. Euphony of colours and feelings swirling around me.

I’m just drawn to and inspired and lifted up by all kinds of expression. Sense of connection and belonging and oneness I suppose. Sense of understanding.

My book would be life changing. I would hope that through its pages I got to know and connect with those people included and that any others who might also read it would feel the same. I would definitely hope that this book was a start to deeper connection and a wanting to know more about each person and their life works.

It might have to be a really really BIG book 🙂 you don’t have to be a certain person to write or take a photo or put down some colours.. Each page would be unique to the person who created and decorated it. 

Would I have a running theme? No just asking on the day book received and the day they sit down to contribute art that they just bring a part of themselves to the page. Whatever they were feeling or wanting to express at the time. I would be seeing what flowed in the collected end. Because often in creative types there can be a similarity if you will. Even in the uniqueness and quirks everyone has. Something that speaks to the spirit in all of us. Would be so many messages within the pages. Because everyone’s art speaks in different ways on different days to me as they would to each person who sees it. 

Maybe the book isn’t sent at all. 

Maybe it’s filled in as my life progresses. Maybe it’s something I need to start and continue till I die. I have to find people willing and able around me close first. I do think only certain people would want too because ‘the normal’ person may not be into even doing it at all. 

Most of the ‘artists’ who I’m closest too are online and with that overseas. 🙂 something to seriously think about anyway! 

Ha ha as I sit pondering where this prompt has led me. I’m thinking of creative people I know. Places in my city I could plan to visit. Searching for artists right here in my city! Amazing.. 
Let the blank page and the empty canvas lead on…. 

  

Why I Write..

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DIG DEEPER: Do you love writing enough to keep going even when there is no hope or you’re not showing any sign of promise? What keeps you going when inspiration and encouragement fall short?


YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love expressing myself and my thoughts and my joys and my struggles. I get excited seeing my blog posts go out to the world. I love that I can choose the pictures that go with my writing and even better if I am the photographer or it is my own art. I can write whatever I want basically. I can share my heart and soul and spirit and faith and I am free!! It powers me up.

I can see my writing evolving. I can see myself being happier despite everything else that isn’t happening.

There are things I have wanted and hoped for in my writing and life. But you know. It is depressing if you look for something that isn’t happening. When you can enjoy what is happening.

Today is an inspiring day. I am pumped actually. But there are many days I have literally sat and had nothing.

Really really hard days. I was often under the impression that it all had to be of the positive side.. Been there done that. But life can suck and you can have bad days. Sad days. Crappy days.

Only today I have sat down here on my lap top and typed out how I am feeling and will copy that into a journal ap on my ipad. Unfortunately its not as easy to type quickly on an ipad and I can’t write directly to my journal via my lap top. I still want to keep it on the ap because its easier to access so a bit of mucking around. (Ap is Day One)

I do not journal enough and I think that is one thing that has contributed to some of my difficult days. I am a person who cannot keep things inside me well. It shuts me down. Writing frees me up. 

I write about what is happening with the kids. What I did yesterday or today or last week. What I am struggling with. What I bought lately and what I love.. I write about God and my faith and how He has given me this beautiful life to enjoy. Anything basically!

I do not really have anyone I can tell all that too. I mean I have one good and very understanding online friend but I have to hold back ha ha.. I could tell him ohhh so much more.. Sometimes as a single mum you want to talk about all the little things that happen during your day. But I can journal that and my soul gets the release it needs without burdening him with all that unnecessary stuff..

It doesn’t seem to be that I need feedback just a release if I am truly honest..

What keeps me going is re-reading my journals, seeing what I have artistically created, looking through photos, instagram and pinterest, reading quotes, reading someone else’s thoughts about life, knowing I am not the only one who has bad days, being honest, prayer because I can tell God EVERYTHING!! Watching a movie, reading a book, singing…

Expressing myself good or bad helps.. I should journal more. I really should. Just getting things out of me helps like you wouldn’t believe. I am an emotional being so I cry and I laugh often. Ha ha yes my former husband says I am bi-polar but I just think I am an expressive soul and it is who I am. I think the more I accept that and let myself be who I am. The more content and at peace I am. It is how God created me after all.

Writing is the bomb. I cannot easily speak publicly. Face to face like this to anyone. Anyone at all. I think it frustrates people around me no end. Being almost deaf plays a part in that also.

My sister has been asking me lately out to coffee and probably with that to chat. Sigh I like coffee and my sister but…. If she and I could communicate more like writing to one another. Even on chat ohhh I could say soooooooo much more.. And I do try. Most times she gets frustrated and can’t cope with it and that has made it harder between us I guess we will have to work on doing a little of each so both of us are satiated. So ah that is how it has been with me. (This is just an example to give you an idea.) They say writers are people who keep to themselves. You have to do it alone though because writing takes time and unless your working with a group of writers. It is a single flow of thought that is being captured. It just fits with me this whole process. So for me it is either writing here on my blog and/or social media or privately in my art journal or journal ap!!

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“You see, in my view a writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily, because she has amazing talent, because everything she does is golden. In my view a writer is a writer because even when there is no hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway.” — Junot Díaz

((TIP from Writing Yourself Alive e-course))

We don’t write to be successful. We write because it helps us come alive. Recognition may or may not come. Success is different things on different days to different people. Art that gives us a life more truthful and abundant — this is our only constant and reason we create.

  

Letter to 21 year old self

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~Day 27~

Dear Sharon,

Happy 21st!!

I think back to that day and it was just your sister and yourself celebrating together.
Justin was up north. Your parents and brother were up north. I don’t remember why anyone else wasn’t there.
I am sure there were reasons and you had your reasons. I think the genuine few who might have attended were either sick or couldn’t come.
You were in your 6th month of pregnancy with your first born. I remember as you both sat there and enjoyed a very quiet meal. There was another bigger party going on in the same establishment.
You both noticed all the people together and the difference between you and them.

You were kind of a loner even back than too. Accept yourself Sharon.. You can be happy alone or with people. Either way you are ok.

Sharon you do have so much to look forward too.

I am your future self. I have only one chance to contact you.

So I am sending this to you on this momentous occasion. I have chosen this day for a reason.
To help you through everything that is to come.
To help you face the good times and the difficult times ahead. Yes there will be difficult times.
I won’t tell you what they are because things can and may change after you read this but I will tell you ways to help yourself get through your life as I know it.

You are brave Sharon. Never forget that.

Keep being yourself and let others be themselves too. You see this is the key. Don’t expect people to change but just love them anyway and most of all love yourself. God will be a major force in your life. I know right now your not aware of him the same. People have looked down on you because your married young and were pregnant out of wedlock. But you will have a beautiful family. Souls that bless Justin and yourself mightily… Just navigate the days ahead a little differently.

Stick close to the people who support you and show you love and acceptance in a way you can feel.
Justin is a good man but give him room. Let him be who he is. He isn’t your father so don’t expect him to be.
Don’t put expectations on people they will fail you.. Just love them and give them room to live the way they believe. Don’t just do your life like everyone else does. It is ok to be different. Please do not force your faith on anyone else as I know it has been done to you. I know that is what you have been taught. But it will cause major problems in your future. Embrace who you are but let people embrace who they are. Force does nothing but anger, repress and hurt people. I know it has shaped your life in ways you won’t realize which has been the reason you have abandoned your faith at this point. But true faith is freedom. It is the most beautiful thing on earth.

You see the people around you haven’t known the whole truth. They will misjudge you. Don’t live by what they say or how they treat you if they don’t accept you always. Understanding can be fickle because nobody walks in another persons shoes. Love doesn’t ever stop it draws out the best in people and loves them even at their worst and it may mean letting someone be free from what you hoped they might be.. It always believes and hopes and trusts.

Develop your creative side and when things get hard do not stop feeling or expressing yourself. This will save you a lot of pain. You are a creative loving expressive individual. Seek for people who are the same. When someone doesn’t get you or is hard to be around. Give them space don’t pressure them. Love them. I know I say that a lot but love isn’t force, or expectations. Love is patient and accepting of each other with all our flaws and strengths and it celebrates life in all its forms.. Find your own interpretation of the truth. Do not just accept what you have been taught. Let people also be who they are. Maybe doing this will change your life and whole direction!

Find your own way through. It’s ok to laugh and cry but everyone is not the same. Some are not emotional creatures like you.

Do not look to people for validation. This one will save you a lot of grief. You are loved by GOD always just as you are.. He doesn’t judge you like people do. He isn’t people.. HE made the people and yes they are like Him some ways.. But he is love and beauty and he will tell you this Himself when you most need it. He is with you always. He will never leave.. People will come and go in your life. He sees your heart and your deepest dreams and desires even when you forget them. He knows why you do what you do. You can rest in Him. He is good.. Remember that. People will say its about what you do. No.. Its about what He has done and especially for all of us through his Son and He has forever given us freedom to do and be. Seek Him and you will find. Even if you don’t seek Him He will always seek you.

You will make mistakes. They will never define you! Move on. You are forgiven. His grace is enough!!

There is not only one way to live life but only one source of life!

Enjoy your children.. You will have more.. Love them. It will go fast. Very fast. Let things go that you cant do and treasure every second with them. Hard times will pass. Your children will grow up and be good people and have their own views and they will make mistakes too. Teach them love and kindness and that they are valuable. It doesn’t matter what isn’t done but what matters is that they know God and you love them and accept them. Do what you can and be at peace. You are precious never forget that. No matter how people treat you. Remember you are unique and that is your power. You have much to give. Just by being yourself.

I really hope by sharing these simple things that you will be spared much pain and abandonment. Yes when you live differently to the majority people who shun you. People will misunderstand you but it doesn’t mean you are wrong.

There will be times when you feel very very alone and isolated. You are not ever alone. God is with you. If you keep telling him everything He will give you help through it and comfort you in ways this world could never help you. I truly see that these times are shaping you to help others because you can speak in a way that others cannot. These times are teaching you what real love is. Because love Himself is with you and in you and you have all you need. The rest is just added blessings.. You are enough!!

I expected things and was devastated when they didn’t happen. I tried to be someone I am not and felt lost. I always felt I did not measure up. I could never reach ‘it’ (whatever ‘it’ was). Do not measure who you are against anyone else.. Be YOU in all your fullest measure!! You will have good and bad days. Be honest about it if even if no one else is. You will draw people to you with your open heart but not everyone has good intentions. Beware. Go by your gut. Go where you are accepted and tolerated and where you can be yourself.

Life is precious. Soul is deep. Spirit is always life and peace. Joy is present even in sadness. He is peace.. He is life.. He is hope. He is joy. He is not judgment. He is not rules. He is everywhere.
Your whole life you have been in a building learning things that are not Him. He is not confined in a building. He is not people. He made the people. He made the world. He made you. He made the little life stirring inside you. He made Justin. He made your sister. He made your friends. Life is beauty. Life is free. Life is not the bad stuff.. That is consequences of people not valuing and knowing the preciousness of life and not knowing the real HIM. Life is not just rules either but respect and kindness go a long long way and valuing everyone no matter who they are.

Even when you face pain. There is a way through. Look to HIM. He can give you peace like you wouldn’t believe. He meets you anyplace. He is everywhere. He is love. Oh my. It is not by humanity you will understand this. But by Spirit. That which stirs within. If you can see the world. People. Yourself by Spirit. It will change everything.

I love you Sharon. You inspire many in the future and by being free and enjoying your life. You will inspire many many more. People need you even if they don’t realize it.. Just like you need them!!

God bless and keep you. May His face shine on you and give you peace.. See you at the end.. Ha ha.

  

Day 26 of 30 days of Writing

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Day 26 of 30 days of Writing

Day 26 My worst creative fear would be. That I am totally invisible. That nothing my person said or did or expressed was ever noticed at all.

My whole self was invisible to everyone.

Cause it feels like that at times but I know people CAN see me and see what I post on-line and the things I share. It just doesn’t seem to register in a way I can see it making a difference.

Becoming…

I stand before you invisible just as I have stood in front of so many others.
Your head is bowed and your shoulders are slumped.
Your spirit downcast.
Your eyes are unseeing of anything around you.
When they do look in my direction you see straight through me.
It is as if I am not there at all.
I wave my hand frantically back and forth.
Your face remains unchanged but the wind moves more noticeably through the trees about us.
I speak emotive words to you and repeatedly say your name.
Telling you I love you.
Nothing registers in your eyes.
In frustration I just stand there not knowing what to do.
I hear the birds start to call to one another.
Sing their songs.
Your face brightens and your eyes come alive.
I am encouraged to speak of things that come deep from within my heart.
They seem to fall on deaf ears for you return to a face of unknowing.
Yet when the sun begins to shine brighter..
You smile.
You are so very close I touch your face.
It is as if time is standing still for us and we are frozen in this moment.
I reach and squeeze your hand.
Nothing.
I put my hands on your shoulders and as I do I notice the fragrance of surrounding nature permeates the air more profusely.
Oblivious to my touch your shoulders rise as you breathe it in.
Tears start to form in my eyes.
You become blurry in my vision.
My body is wracked with the pain of what appears a great divide between us.
As I lose my composure my tears fall and the wind swirls around us and gathers them up.
Clouds begin to cover the sun and a few droplets of rain spill from the sky mimicking my sadness.
Your face upturns and your hands lift palms to catch the droplets.
It does not appear to bother you this change of atmosphere.
I sigh wishing that you would reach for me instead.
I scream and shout and birds in the trees beside us take flight.
You flinch turning your face towards the disturbance..
Your eyebrows raise and you look inquiringly about you.
What is this?
You notice the birds?
You notice the sun?
You notice the rain?
Just not me.
I feel so alone even though you are still right before me.
What should I do?
I do not wish to completely fall apart.
Shrivel up and die.
I am still alive.
I am still here.
I kick out continuously at the dust at our feet in frustration.
The small burst of rain like my tears has altered nothing.
The dust rises up about us changing the color of the air.
You cough.
You rub your eyes..
You squint.
I stop kicking.
My heart is beating faster and something inside me is switched on.
I realize there are possibilities and a spark of hope ignites.
My spirit even when I am unseen in your presence can still move and interact with the elements around us and the elements are affecting us both!!
I have found a level we can meet at!
I blow a kiss and a gentle breeze dances in the hair framing your face.
Your face softens and your soul is at rest.
You are now standing straighter and your eyes are shining.
Your spirit has recognized there is life around you and you are peaceful.
I can see that in your face.
Than you start to move.
You step forward and walk right through me with a spring in your step.
I turn and watch you walk away.
What is this?
Why are you unable to sense me in flesh but yet are moved and enabled in spirit?
What has just happened?
Did we make a connection?
Yes we did!
I am not seen and heard one way but I do make a difference in another!
I ponder this and even though you did leave me and even walked right through me I sense peace within myself too.
All the times this separation and invisibility of self has happened again and again there is hope for change and a place of connection to be found.
I do not wish to just crawl up into a ball and give up but I cannot live oblivious to you and others without some meaningful recognition.
Maybe there is a way to interact?
A better way to channel and find one another.
Where spirit exerts itself with power and purpose and there is breakthrough!
I seek to live a dimensional life side by side of you and everyone else. No longer to be walked through and denied.
No longer unseen and unheard but conscious in a way that becomes us all.
Living and moving and existing in a new way that cannot be unnoticed on any level!!!

Mistakes

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Mistakes

Day 24

Biggest mistakes

Comparison. Expectations. Group mentality instead of making decisions on my own. Not being myself. Living to please others. Being stubborn. Turning the other cheek.

Just a few as I think about it. I’m sure I could add a lot more. I have this gentle nature that people take advantage of. I haven’t always stood up for myself. The biggest of all was staying in a marriage that was damaging me emotionally and psychologically. I am since good friends with my former husband. But in those years I wasn’t coping and either was he. Christian wise your supposed to be in marriage till death do us part sigh. It makes me angry. Somehow the victim gets blamed. There is little to no support when your suffering this kind of abuse. Nobody speaks of it even now.

“I would never let anybody treat me like that!”.. I’ve been told. Sucks. I wasn’t coping and I should have left ages ago. People have turned away since because I’m divorced. That was really brave and at the time I finally did the right thing. I cried for years literally. Asked for countless prayers. But you can’t go back.

I look at the photos years ago.. I looked so lifeless. I raised 5 kids in those years sometimes it felt I was a single mother even back than and lost a baby son. I see the same treatment coming back at me from oldest daughter. Just disrespect of my person and I took it all on board.

I lost my self-respect. Self confidence. There was no spark in me. I shut down so much of myself to cope. Because I had little children who needed me. So I gave all of myself to raising them didn’t worry about myself. It’s good you know writing this now. It makes me realize that I am still seeing the affects of this and to give myself tender love and not worry what other people think. If they don’t know how can they understand?

Another mistake is not having self love. Realizing that it take time to heal.

These have been healing years for me and there are no hard and fast rules to healing. Writing about it helps too. I have learnt that I can live the way that suits me and that’s ok. You can’t look to others for acceptance if you can’t accept yourself. Strength doesn’t come from without it comes from within. You do have to guard your heart.

I’ve learnt that God is always with me and He loves me no matter what. His people are not Him. He is not like the majority think he is. He’s much better. It isn’t about rules it’s about love and freedom and acceptance.

Writing Manifesto

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Day 23 prompt of 30 Days of Writing Yourself Alive..

Write a short Writing Manifesto for yourself with 5-10 top goals you have as a writer combined with reasons you write. They can be specific or general, actionable, abstract or poetic — but they must resonate with what Writing Does for You and what you want to accomplish through it.

Think of it as a Creative Contract you make with yourself. Sign it and hang it in your office as a motivational reminder of your Creative Mission. 

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1. My writing means I am present in Spirit and written form and able to express my presence and message to the world. I need to commit myself daily to it and keep it up.

Not many people ask me my opinions and I do not see many people to tell. So writing is my way to put myself out in the world and be a part of greater humanity! I can feel shut down, excluded and isolated. Putting my writing out there means I am contributing and I am much happier and feeling alive!

2. Being creative in my writing. Trying new prompts and styles. Learning and growing and moving forward. Not being stuck in my views or in one kind of genre.

For the longest time I only did religious kind of writing and reading. To be honest it was boring and only appealed to like wise people. There is so much more to life than this. It doesn’t mean abandoning my faith and spiritual views it means embracing them in new ways that frees not boxes up.

3. Have fun. Or be totally serious. I don’t have to write the way anybody else does. Be myself. Be unafraid. Make mistakes and have a go. Just do it.

I can write anyway I wish. I don’t have to be perfect or wait for inspiration. My heart can be seen by just putting myself out there. If I am having a bad day or emotional day I can write about that. I do not have to be inspirational every time. It doesn’t always have to be positive.

4. I have something to say! Believe in myself. Trust my journey. Trust my intuition. Trust GOD in me that I don’t have to be like everyone else. I am unique. Trust the process. Trust myself that I can do what I am created to do.

I have been silenced because I was not confident. I didn’t want to make people uncomfortable. Truth is hard to tell but I can be creative in the ways I tell it. I can talk about how I feel and how things have been for me and its ok!! I can also tell the greater truth. 🙂 There is the way it appears and than there is the greater truth.. It is always good!

5. Writing is power. Don’t count stats or do anything by results. Power is in the doing and the being and the releasing. What happens after that isn’t my business. What is important is being totally and unashamedly myself and being free to express that.

Weakness is doing nothing. Being bound by fear. Not being uniquely ourselves. Bound by a code that says we have to do things a certain way or at a certain time. One word can change the world. There was a man in Sydney Australia that went around writing “Eternity” in copper plate writing I think most times just with chalk kept in his pocket. His name Arthur Stace. That was his message to the world. It impacted many many people and was strung up in lights on the Sydney Harbor bridge for the 2000 Olympics. The whole world saw it!!!

Our presence in writing even ONE word will do great things!!