Category Archives: Soul Expression

However that comes…

#metoo

Standard

If I compared my story to others I wouldn’t share it at all. It doesn’t seem bad enough. It was just one moment on a night many years ago. But like other deep issues I have shared openly about in the past. Being honest and authentic is powerful and freeing and can help others as well as help me..

Too many times I have missed the boat. I have waited too long to say something and the moment has passed by. I am doing so now because others are too. It did happen and it was scary. I was lucky it was not far worse and that I woke up and could get away and that it never happened again. I felt vulnerable after wards. I often think of my own daughters and how I want to protect them maybe if they read this it will help them think about who they are with and what can happen. I hope they know they can always tell me anything. I will share with them who it was because I believe you think it cannot happen to you. But it can and it can be a shock that it can be someone one knows.

There is a time to share and a time to be silent. I think this is the time to share. Especially when many others are sharing openly too. Who knows what God can do through us sharing our stories. Who might be helped and that we might somehow open eyes to prevent things like this happening again if that is possible.

I had to search for the meaning of sexual assault because if I didn’t know I would think it was only rape.

But it also means attacks such as rape or attempted rape, as well as any unwanted sexual contact or threats. Usually a sexual assault occurs when someone touches any part of another person’s body in a sexual way, even through clothes, without that person’s consent.” ~ From a google search.

I was 18 or 19. It is very hard for me to share this because of what actually happened and who did it. I am afraid and I don’t think it helps anyone to name this person here. I am not going to say much at all actually. But I was drinking one night with some other people and went to bed alone not far away from where the other people I was with slept.
I was living in a caravan and I am pretty sure I would have locked my door but I cannot be 100%. I do not know how drunk I was. But I was sleeping soundly so soundly I didn’t hear anything until I was woken. I woke up to find someone in bed with me and they were touching my body in very sexual ways. At first after the intital shock wore off and I guess I must have been still groggy because I didn’t freak out though I am sure my heart was racing.

I at first thought it was my boyfriend at the time; he was sleeping somewhere else close by.
I think because I was so alarmed I was too frightened to speak, so instead cause it was still dark. I used my hand to feel if it was him. Tried to recognize his body and what he felt like in the dark. My hand felt along the body up to this persons throat and I remember feeling a chain around their neck. Now my boyfriend did not wear jewelery?!? So I immediately knew it was not him. Because of the people I was with before I went to bed were not far away and this person was one of them. I recognized who it was and I got out of that bed as quickly I could and fled. I was bawling when I got to what I considered a safe place and woke up my boyfriend. I don’t remember much else. My cries woke up the other people and I had no desire to return to my caravan till the next day.

Nothing like that has ever happened again. The person who was responsible I do not know when they left the caravan and what happened to them after wards. I actually don’t think I ever saw them much again if ever. Apart from the people present I told no one else perhaps one or two others years later on. I couldn’t sleep well for a long time. Even though this person was not around I would check and recheck that I locked the door. I would sleep facing towards the door (as if that would protect me) and for a long time I couldn’t sleep easily without fearing someone would come into my caravan again.

I don’t think it was any more than that person just touching my body under my clothes and being in my bed with me and of course the shock of waking up to find this person in my bed. But I was either sleeping soundly or drunk and don’t remember anything more. I don’t recall any evidence that my body had been raped thank God.. But it is still eerie and scary that I did not hear anything (I am deaf now but back than at that age my hearing was perfect)and that I did not feel the bed move or feel the person climb into bed with me. It was a caravan double bed and I slept on the side closest to the door. There was not much room around the sides of the bed and I think the other side was attached to the wall? But I cannot remember. He was on the other side of the bed and like me had been drinking earlier and was not a small sized person. That gives me a very weird feeling but I know I did nothing to cause it. It was something that happened to me. I know other stuff since.. But I can’t say it because of what it relates too. Yes perhaps sharing this people I know will add things up or guess but if so please speak privately I just feel this is all I want to say right now. I am unfortunately fairly transparent though I am trying not to be here not to protect this person but because it is my story and that is all it is meant to be. I am not trying to make trouble for anyone but just share what happened to me.

It is something one would consider very hush hush.. And it was a long time ago I am 47 now.. I wish I could say more. But I really don’t feel I can.

I am so glad people are speaking up about sexual assault. I just hope awareness and bravery change things for everyone.

I want to thank Cristy for sharing her story today on face book. Often these days I have little motivation. Little to no direction. Though when I saw the #metoo surfacing around social platforms I thought should I share my story too? I have been thinking about it and her sharing opened the door for me to share today. To share anything these days is a miracle for me. So much has shut me down. To find something/anything these days to connect me to others is so precious beyond words. It is powerful beyond sharing what has happened. It is knowing you are not alone with what you face in this world and others bravery invites you to do the same.  I just feel empowered like I haven’t for quite some time and therefore I do not completely disappear or shut down but I have a reason and opportunity to speak up too.

To share like this when I feel so little going on in my creative life and my physical life is more like a stunted plant. It is incredibly encouraging and gives me hope for everything else. I am thanking God for HE is what keeps me going. I see all things work together for good. HE uses pain. HE uses things in our past. HE uses our brokenness.. HE uses people in our path. HE uses our gifts such as my writing and desire to share openly. So even though so much in my life doesn’t make a lot of sense. I can trust HIM to use this too.

IMG_4019

Advertisements

Buried Treasure

Standard

I am so thankful that I won a place a while back in a course by an online artist friend called Jen Morris. Called ‘Journalling Into the Deep”.. I’ve been plodding through this course at a snails pace.. Just knowing how blessed I am to have been selected to win this 9 week course has helped me keep at it.. so very grateful.. 

To better explain I’ve been facing a life crushing lack of motivation in recent months and nothing much has sparked my soul to create so this has been a real God send..

My writing and art journal page below are my thoughts on one of the excercises.. Dealing with looking forward and using visualisation to see what my life might be like in 5 years if I didn’t use my hearts desires and dreams and left them as buried treasure.. 

** Really surprised with this one.. I don’t like my writing but I share it and let loose anyway.. I got a real inner sense of how much difference I do make.. 

I’m a total introvert.. hardly see a soul week in week out.. stay at home single mother so I’m a homebody most always.. online is where I love to be.. so I can find happiness as I am.. 

I love sharing my art journals too on Instagram/face book and I have a blog also but haven’t blogged in ages.. I think I might share this though!! Here I am!! 

I don’t get a lot of response to my sharing so there is nothing physical, as in signs that my getting less than I am, would make much difference in the world.. 

Yet as I visualised my life and leaving my treasures buried and not pressing on with the desires of my heart and the things I love to do.. I did get a real sense of it being a darker place.. a real sense of quite a negative impact not only for me but it really felt like it would impact others as well.. quite severely.. Considering my life and apparent hiddenness from the world it encourages me that my art does more than just keep me occupied..  

A quote I’ve loved in the past came to my mind.. from the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life”..

Clarence the Angel: ‘Strange isn’t it? Each man’s life touches so many other lives.. When he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?

Find out more about Jen Morris and what she offers at her web site –  Jen Morris Creative  

Boundaries 

Standard

I haven’t blogged personally for a little while and yesterday I really enjoyed a course that I’m doing at Brave Girl University called ‘Soul Restoration’ and it was up to the topic of boundaries. Many years ago someone I knew suggested that I read a book about boundaries but I didn’t really look into it. They thought it be good for me because of the struggles that I had at the time. 

I realized today during the course that I wasn’t able to think about boundaries in my life back than because I wasn’t feeling good about myself and didn’t see anything worth protecting. 

But today while I was reading the captions on the videos and thinking of what Melody was saying I realized that I do value myself now and this truly appears as the next step to getting my trust back to venture out into the world. 

To feeling that I will not be destroyed or struggle excessively in the process.

I didn’t value myself so I let whomever come into my soul house and disrespect me and now I have tools to change that and to help myself when I face disrespect and people who do things/say things that don’t honour my value or trigger me in not so nice a way.

I can distance myself from that person and not let that person affect me to my detriment because I trusted them into my sacred space. I no longer have to allow their behaviour to destroy me because I took it to heart and let it churn me up inside.. 

It’s so helpful and timely, especially because this class was talking about people that come in and disrespect you like narcissists and I’ve dealt with these kinds of people before and learning how to cope with them has been a major problem area and one I’ve struggled with repeatedly.

 I unfortunately play along with thier games. I dance the dance. I feel I have to be nice even though the person is in no way valuing me. 

This course is exactly what I need at this point!! 

I feel confidence building that I now have tools to help me make wiser choices and it’s all extremely encouraging because it’s like God saying to me hey I see what you’ve gone through here is some help!! 

Even though I’ve kind of felt alone with this, a couple of people know but mostly I’m alone with this. The information in my path today it’s giving me much needed encouragement that I’m not going crazy. That this is a real thing in my life and God doesn’t want me to keep being defeated & anxious by it. HE cares about me and I see it as HIS hand upon me. HE has helped me learn my value, the truth of HIS presence & HIS unending love and I’m so thankful that through my faith HE always re-enforces my worth despite my imperfections. 

I did some art journal pages on my feelings yesterday after going through the class material and I felt hope welling up inside for moving forward and not being so stuck by past experiences.

Leaving this long lonely stretch of life behind.. 

 I feel for a long time that I have had to mostly shut the world out you know cuz it’s been so hard. I’ve dealt with some really difficult people over a long period and I have not been able to cope well with that and heal at the same time. I’ve not known the next step so I retreat because I always feel I have to be on the defence instead of the offence. 

What these people said to me and how these people treated me has lived continually on in my head and heart and I am no longer giving it permission to stay inside me anymore. 

And wonderfully this teaching isn’t about other people changing because that may not happen any time soon or at all. It’s about me making decisions to keep my heart & soul safe. Not giving anything that hurts me or anyone unsafe room in my life and finding a different way to live that honours my truth & value in the world. 

I don’t have to just take it inside myself anymore I can shut the door. I can say NO MORE because I don’t like the way that I’m being treated and I can step away from it and I can put some distance between myself and that person. 

With a bit of distance I can let them be themselves and not be taking anything they say on board and I feel so empowered. It feels like I’m no longer a victim. It feels like I’m strong and and I can keep my peace, and not react to what might happen next if people still do the same stuff to me.. 

I’m filled instead by the truth about myself that I’m worth protecting and it doesn’t have to be challenged every time someone undervalues me, that it is about me because I’ve had that said to me. I’ve heard it said that it’s not about me but no it is about me and I can say I’m valuable and I don’t like this. If I don’t like how I’m treated I don’t have to just put up with it and oh my gosh I feel much more confident to go out there and find people who do care about me. 

I can say well hey that’s what you think, but I know the truth about myself.. This boundary teaching was absolutely 100% on point and exactly what I need.. I am saying thank you, thank you God so much, so much! 

I can choose what comes into my soul house I do have to take it on board. 

I thank God for this and Melody Ross!! 

Brave Girls University 

My Hope 

Standard

Art supplies strewn across my bed. 

Thoughts chasing each other

 inside my head.

Poetry is my muse.

No tear I refuse.

This is my reality.

No need for confidentiality.

I’ve been given this life.

Unique gifts to overcome the strife.

As an artist I must but share.

Thoughts expressed laid bare.

Tender truths bleeding.

Is what a blank page is needing.

Colours & words spill

 all that I am to the page..

Not giving up I fully engage.

Opening a vault deep inside.

So freeing not having to hide.

Transparency is living whole.

God knows my heart, spirit & soul.

Trades strength when I’m weakest.

His presence when it’s bleakest.

Where I’m not given a choice.

I’m given a voice.

My hope lives on as I tell my story.

Imperfect though I am

’tis to show HIS glory.

SMP – Peacechild4

******

Journey

Standard

— Journey — Sometimes it’s easy to feel like life has picked you up and swept you along in a direction not entirely of your choosing. Both comfort and anguish, our dwellings shape us to express our true nature. To re-chart spirit in a new direction… I am an artist in my own right. Communicating.

Jesus always with me..

“Truth has no path, and that is the beauty of truth; it is living.” — KRISHNAMURTI


Contradiction

Standard

Prompt – 

The Contradictions of my life include..

I had to look up the meaning of contradiction lol. I definitely love the meaning and it really does sum up the continuing story of my life.
Definitions for contradiction
Noun
opposition between two conflicting forces or ideas

One of the major contradictions has been my religion and how I live and express my faith.

If you were to scroll through my face book feed for example you might have a hard time pinning down my exact beliefs. In fact it might not show outwardly that I am much of a Jesus girl at all but anyone who truly knows me knows my heart. I have gone a different path from the outward signs and believe it or not it has not been easy. But I am getting freer.

All my life basically I have spoken, read, acted a certain way. Christian way. It is hard after 40 years to divert I can tell you. I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water at all though it may look like it. This path I have taken has unfortunately appeared to separate me from the main flock though. But like deafness which did the same this experience has changed me and helped me learn much more about God and myself than I knew and thought was possible. I know my boundaries very well but because people and distractions have been minimal Gods presence is more evident to me and I know within myself what is of me and what is not.

A living between worlds you might call it. What I always thought I knew opposed to what I am knowing and learning now because any type of survival living increases your knowledge. Truth is beautiful and it has been a huge step out of my comfort zone. Finding God via HIS Spirit with me in the here and now and that HE is always present and that I don’t need props to experience spiritual life gives me so much space but that has also meant separation from people which has been peculiar I can tell you. Still getting used to that.

The thing is it’s what you find on the edges and beyond that is so fascinating and not at all what you thought it once was. Of course it is hard, very very hard to go against the grain and live differently. The guilt oh my. The disconnection and I am deaf too so I’d honestly say it destroys you and builds you into a whole new person cause it makes for a very hard, dark, cold and lonely world when people turn their backs and nothing remains the same. You either return tail down defeated, shrivel up and die or find a whole new way to live. Spirit and Art has been my way through. I truly meet Gods Spirit in this whole process. Like a steady bubbling river always flowing and the awareness of even the smallest of details around you seem to line up and everything has deeper meaning and purpose but it appears to come at a cost you disappear off the radar. No longer can you live via external appearance and behaviour.  It has to be an inside job.

It forces you to actually think about what you believe and why you believe the way you do every single day. You are not just relying on what you are doing or what you are saying or what you have always done. You are actually thinking and in the moment every moment not just going into auto-pilot. Believe me when you are in midst the majority a lot of it is simply talking, doing and living like everyone else because that’s what you’ve been taught and you don’t realize it but every time someone affirms you who believes the same it keeps you in line. You will want to stay away from anyone outside that and that should be a warning sign because God is everywhere. We are all His children, people just do not know & realise the whole truth.

If everyone else around you is the same. It’s easy/easier to be that way especially if you only associate with similar minded people. Stop in any way doing or being like everyone else or being around people like that and suddenly you are faced with a dilemma you start to be challenged on all sides. I have been careful not to just throw everything away. I especially want to be real not fake. Such as.. if you say I am feeling fine when actually you are not.

I want what I believe to radiate out of me because it’s who I am within my heart rather than outward words or actions. Being deaf has taught me the value of looking into someone’s eyes/face, reading body language, the power of touch and just how an acknowledgment no matter how small when you can understand can change the direction of a day. I don’t want to force what I believe on someone or expect them to do what I do because its right or wrong. I especially love a quote by Rumi.

Out beyond ideas of
wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn’t make any sense.

From Essential Rumi
by Coleman Barks

I want anyone to be truly comfortable being themselves in my presence as I believe God wants us to feel in His presence. Same as in this quote. I think of nature and how we don’t go out into nature and argue with it as to how the trees are planted, how the flowers grow or the sun is shining or not. We just enjoy it for what it is. To show our enjoyment we might take off our shoes and walk in the grass if it’s a nice day. Or we stand somewhere safe and watch the thunder storm or we look in awe at a mountain peak or even climb it. We spend hours walking along a sandy beach with water lapping at our toes. We gaze up in wonder as the stars come out at night. If only we could be in each others presence and just enjoy it the same. Just as we are without trappings, expecting someone to change or trying to find fault.

I feel religion is like a competition and I am always a loser. I know it is supposed to be ALL about God.. But do this or do that or don’t do this or that. Its all comparative. Least on my own with God I can totally be myself. I don’t have to put on airs and graces. He sees and knows all that other crazy stuff anyway and I can just enjoy HIM and HE me and its natural. I speak like myself and I can sing loud or crazy or cry or laugh or moan. I can just thank HIM or pray for people or my world. I also do not feel guilty because I failed in some way or another cause I know HE loves me and HE did it all perfect anyway so I don’t ever have to ever feel a failure so I can drop the ever present need to better myself.. In religious settings you cannot easily be yourself there are trappings and ways to do or not do things.. You can admit sin and all but you have to deny yourself and although I am not against change perse or focusing on God. I think those things will happen and should happen naturally and I think also when you know HIM in a real way and you know HIS love for you.. you just do different when you learn the truth and it goes down into all those difficult hurt places and you do not feel the need to pretend, put on a mask or perform..

Art-wise being spiritually expressive I am not forced, not stunted, I am free, not doing it because everyone else is doing it and I can enjoy it or even when I might be suffering in my soul I don’t know but you are dealing with it in a way that naturally heals and helps you through the release of it where your not being held accountable by people or clergy, shame, fear or judgment and its flowing out freely by choice not because you have too. It is pure Spirit.

I hear God say he is looking for true worshipers who will worship in spirit and truth. Authentically and with a whole heart I can say this is my aim.

It is another world really yet it is found within my skin and flesh. Kingdom of God is within. So why should I be trying so hard on the outside when the most important is all within? 

I especially want to voyage to..

Standard

JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project that’s taken months lol but not giving up.

Day 29
ADVICE

Prompt — I especially want to voyage to..

Some people travel the world I may never get to do that. But every day I have access to me. So many things in my life including people have tried to shut me down. The person who I am. My prerogative is to live out loud and at the very least enjoy my life and let that joy be released somewhere. All the better if it helps someone else!!

Lately so many photos on my face book news-feed have been of friends I know traveling the world sharing their adventures. It is lovely and how easy it is these days to share what one is doing even on the other side of the world. I get to see places I could never afford to see but alas it does remind me of how closeted I am. How boring and poor I am lol travel wise. 🙂

I enjoy seeing the world though but it can make the four walls around me seem to be closing in mighty tight especially when you think outwardly too much about it and wish yourself away but you cannot go there in person.

When I was thinking about this prompt I mean obviously there are many places in the world I would love to see. I grew up learning about the bible and the stories in it and I actually would love to travel to the Holy land and see those places for real.. I am best friends with a Canadian on line so obviously as I have talked to him all about his life and where he lives I have grown an interest in his part of the world that would be fascinating to see in person especially cause it would mean meeting him too.

But honestly thinking too much about what I cannot do is quite self defeating.

So my mind was whirring as I contemplated this prompt and suddenly a song popped into my head. The song with lyrics “I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me..” Vivian Chow is the artist and Ron Miller the composer.
I have not been all over the world in fact I have never traveled out of Australia except to Tasmania lol which is an island state but daily I can visit and trip to ‘me’ and lack of money cannot bar me from this journey.. The imagination alone of one human being can change a world. Look at artists and authors whose imagination has brought much joy through the ages!! Dr Suess, Ronald Dahl, J. K Rowling, J. R. R. Tolkien, Frida Kahlo, Vincent Van Gogh, Claude Monet.. Andy Warhol.. to name a few.. So I shouldn’t be so afraid of being in my own little world.

You can never be bored if you open up your mind, use what you have at hand and introverts can really be at home with themselves and enjoy their own life much more than extroverts could.. If you can be happy on your own and find your own amusement right where you are it makes the hard times extremely bearable and you can still have a full life. Paint your world red or blue or green or multi-colored and change it every day if that’s what you wish.

Obviously art journaling, prompts, blogging etc all these are ways to explore myself and my faith and life. If I can keep doing it daily it truly helps me stay positive, happy and stops me shutting down. Cause we all know life can be hard and a daily slog and when not much changes around you, not much money etc you can pine away and lose hope.. Creativity keeps the inner world alive and kicking and imagination can take you places that are fun, challenging, deep or shallow and do not depend of others being there or not.

That song I quoted before many of the lyrics resonated with me so I added them to my art journal page.

It’s interesting as I look at the pages which I did a while ago now. That although the black figure which represents me seems boring it is surrounded by very bright colors!!!  I can see in my art I am depicting that I am not found where naturally one would think I should be.. I live on in my art and I don’t know whether other people do see that or not. I do not get a lot of responses and although I am not really very social at all I think my art is me being extremely social!!!

My art continues to go out into the world so people can find me if they really want too and I hope get to know me better this way.
The key word for this days journey is Advice and mine is ‘Live out Loud’ which just seems so appropriate and what my life has been all about as I am said to be a quiet, introverted person yet bright yellow in the background really does scream something quite different doesn’t it.

Deaf people are often muted in the world simply because we cannot communicate in the normal way so we can be easily forgotten and left out.

One important way to live fully functioning for a deaf person is through expressive sign language which I don’t think anyone can help noticing!! It’s very visual and many hearing people nowadays enjoy learning it.. A whole new path to communicate.

Art has been my path and it so beautiful and I am very thankful to God for it. Loud is  expressed in the colors that I use. Loud is speaking my truth and sharing my spirit/heart publicly often even when it appears no one is listening.

Sharing my blog which is my thoughts etc into the world via social media IS being loud. It all says something about who I am and what my message is to the world and sometimes I am amazed just what I am expressing and how easy it is to do when in the natural I feel quite tightly bound and muted. I cannot physically put myself out into the world like I wish I could but here oh wow I am as free as a bird. So where I am missing in this world.. you can still find me.. right here is where I am and what I share is what I feel and think and see. So where I cannot travel in a physical sense with words or in person or to different places because I do not have the money or availability to do so. I can travel through myself via the creative expressions I use.

This lyric from the above mentioned song say it perfectly.

Because I had to be free.

Authenticity

Standard


I wrote a poem about how I need people to be honest and open with me.. how for the most part people are not.. but it’s not impossible..

 If we can’t be our full selves with someone how on earth can people relate? I think that’s the answer to building trust with a person and a close intimate relationship it’s why our relationship with the Lord becomes so beautiful and personal and why we run to Him.. all we can do is be authentically ourselves and I really do think it will bring close those who really want to know us where they too can be themselves.. I think also we heal from hurts in any place where a person is fully able to be themselves.. It takes time though to feel safe enough to do this.. or it is an extreme act of bravery.

This journey of life seems to be about each person coming to this knowledge.. I really do think that would be heaven on earth.. where what seems a desert experience, hard place will be a place to bloom and where authenticity will bring connection to us all.. 

it’s like this “authenticity” message is where it’s at for me right now.. 

After writing this almost immediately this was shown on “The Voice” in Australia.. ❤️️

Falling Upward

Standard

“What passes for morality or spirituality in the vast majority of people’s lives is the way everybody they grew up with thinks…
Without very real inner work, most folks never move beyond it.”

“Falling Upward” Richard Rohr

For me personally moving in a different direction to a majority I grew up with has been an incredible and life changing learning experience.. no safety net here.. I didn’t realise how conditioned I was.. it’s scary, confronting, learning to trust God alone often without props, learning true spirituality.. everything is tested that you once knew.. found peace & joy I never knew within the walls of institutional church.. I get to know the real spirit of people and I basically can connect on far deeper levels.. really is a living by Spirit & truth.. I can see God working much much more clearly.. I have new vision, different vision.. I know HIM very closely because I’ve learnt to see him in the darkest night where nobody else was.. ❤️️🕊
It’s definitely not for the faint hearted.. you will unlearn everything, you will be rejected by almost everyone.. but this is where you learn God WILL NEVER EVER leave you.. you learn that you are HIS beloved..

 

Belonging

Standard

Journey : 30 Day Journal Project

Day 24

BELONGING

“It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Prompt — I  feel I belong..

Oh my this is a good one. I decided to choose the more positive prompt. 🙂
Belonging is so very important. It’s a life force which flows from one to the other probably when you are a people person you can take it for granted. But when you fall through the cracks of life you can yearn for it and realize it’s value and see its goodness and purpose much better because it is something you do not feel you have.
I think of it like electricity poles without wires. The interactions we make with each other fire us up every day. It is why when a stranger smiles at you it makes you feel really good inside.

I am energized by creative people. Whether I am in their company or not. Their art or expressions just seem to have a life of its own or a part of the person’s spirit resides in their creativity and transmits to the one who admires it. I feel I belong in such company. It is hard to explain. But although creative people appear to be different sorts of people. They are warm and welcoming in ways that are beyond the physical. You feel drawn to them but also strangely connected. In their midst you are much happier. You do belong and I guess maybe you feel like you know them better then you actually do. Old souls or something.

I don’t need them to be constantly in my life because they kinda already are. They have affected a part of me inside. Inspired me and their art keeps me going, gives me hope, draws out of me what I cannot get out of myself on my own. They seem to accept you as you are and you them.

There can be similarities to our journeys even though we may be on completely different sides of the earth, believe totally different things and even have different centuries of birth. That one I touched on last blog post.

I know people feed off each other. I cannot speak from an extroverts position. I am a loner. But it doesn’t mean I don’t wish to belong I really really do. I just flow differently that’s all. I still need to meet and mingle with fish in my stream. I guess it makes me daily search to find it.  I do it all of course from the internet. Ha. My bedroom. Spirit is found on-line and I love that our modern world has this option. It is strange though. Years ago you would be completely isolated if there were no people around you and even mailing hand written letters would take months to arrive. We do take the written word so much for granted these days. We get annoyed if our texts are not answered straight away!!!

I never know where my writing is going to flow when I do it. 

Being a single woman who is a romantic at heart flying solo I loathe it but yes I do have lots of time to do art and nobody is going to care if art supplies are flung across my bed.
So I am going to base my art journal page along with this writing on my hearts desire that is to be loved and passionately because that is a belonging I crave. Now I KNOW spiritually GOD loves me more than any human man or woman could ever love me. I do not physically see HIM or feel HIM that way. 

I found a beautiful book at an op shop yesterday (thrift store) about quotes and pics of love.
One quote which touched my heart is “Trust in my affection for you. Tho’ I may not display it exactly in the way you like and expect it, it is not therefore less deep and sincere. ~ Anna Jameson, 1833 “

Now that IS exactly how my wildly romantic heart has to function these days. I have to stubbornly believe it without seeing or physically feeling it. NOW I can feel it if I take these words into my heart and see with spiritual eyes that GOD is speaking and loving me. Faith is a powerful ally. Children hear Santa on the roof. Authors imagine whole other worlds without actually seeing them with their eyes. Imagination is a great gift.

 God has shown me there is great joy in HIS presence. The bible says that too but I have also felt this said joy despite my life and situation. A joy flood over me in my room or wherever I am aware of HIM but not the bible HIM I was taught since childhood only the personal HIM I found on my own.. It is supernatural. I mean it is not of me at that moment. I truly believe as I have trusted GOD. Yet that word GOD is not enough.. Jesus, Yeshua much closer to explaining HIM who is dear to me. I do not know what word actually would come close to explaining how I really feel about HIM. HE is a real presence to me and why I always capitalize the words to honor HIM. I know in text speak it symbolizes shouting. But to me capitalizing his name I am revering the presence and how real and big and beautiful HE is to me.

A realm of understanding where I belong more than ANY place on earth and am affectionately known and beloved MORE than any human on earth. I can literally be pulled by a desire to speak to HIM that is I guess likened to when you wish to stalk a certain person or be close to someone you desire or only just to hear them say your name. Except that it isn’t a figure I can talk to face to face. Hand on my heart. Hands raised. What I call real worship. Because it isn’t forced and it springs from within and its not only on Sunday. It can be anywhere and anyplace. Personal. I mean I can speak as I am. Awkward. Spazzy. Too many words that spill out all at once that not anyone wishes to hear at anytime but HE does. Spontaneous. For the most I’d say private too. Not that I am ashamed. But I get excited and because I am deaf I speak loud and people shush me always. GOD doesn’t seem to mind. 🙂 But I will anywhere and with anyone also in the moment.

What has surprised me most of all. That I was never taught in church. Is just HOW MUCH HE loves me. In church it’s all focus totally on GOD and the rituals and presentation of it is sort of to be as perfect as you can be. Doesn’t bide well for a clumsy, loud and often late to church person.
But I don’t know it seemed to be to the detriment of the value of ones messy soul. Perhaps in recent years when I have not been in the building of a Sunday things are changing. But I had to leave the building to find the whole truth and I am still learning. My life is not what you would call overly religious by the standard I once adhered too. I suppose reading this you would think I was still there lol. But I am in pjs and it’s almost midday as I write. I do not go to a building and haven’t for years. I do not deliberately daily read the bible though I quote from it. Nor have hour long prayer times set aside.

I just live aware of HIM. HE is more like the air I breathe every day. Like the quote says. I live my life trusting in HIM rather then a set of rules and regulations that I adhere too strictly. I can see that many things HE said are helpful and important. And I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water. I live from within rather than from without. Spirit and truth rather than a wider based term of ‘Christianity’..

I belong because of HIM and what HE did and because of who HE is and who that makes me. Yet I am fully me as I am through HIM. True freedom. I found myself totally an utterly transformed when aware of HIS realm. Takes faith yes. Strong focus because we want what we want and sometimes it doesn’t come the way we wish for it in the physical but also our old ways do not work here so to belong we need to think different. It also takes a stubbornness. A stubbornness to not give up but live as if I was in this realm every single moment of every single day. It has taken a strong heart too because you know dropping out of ‘church’ suddenly you are very much on your own. Oh I know I belong despite how people think I am, judge me to be or how many still believe I have fallen away. But you have to live in this world side by side and they so far for the most who live religiously give me the cold shoulder. See me as out of the fold rather than in. That isn’t so easy to imagine away.

Also it is realizing that many are still not aware that spirit is different to flesh living and that is perhaps why they cannot yet see what I see and live as I live but I’m sharing it regularly and not hiding. For quite some time it’s felt I am in a different world to most everyone else..

We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words — to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves. (The Weight Of Glory) C.S. Lewis