Category Archives: Soul Expression

However that comes…

Beautiful Soul Spilling Freedom

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It is like coming full cycle. When you create a piece of art and literally see it healing you as you create it.
Right place. Right time. Neither looking up or down. Neither being afraid of emotions or controlled by them or shut down because you cannot express them or nobody sees them. They are running unchecked, oh so free and it is the most beautiful thing in my world up till this moment.

Those tears do not symbolize sadness oh no but I have cried rivers so they are my truth. Part of my story.

They represent the healing art expression is to me. Art has given me my voice back. My power back. I have come to a place where I can be fully myself and it is a huge contentment plus.

I am not in need of anything or anyone. I love that for a deaf person I am mostly expressing the eyes and face atm and in this art piece the head/face is where it is at. Which speaks of intimacy and eyes represent windows to my soul which when expressing my emotions has kept me alive.. Art expression is powerful when I am feeling invisible, rejected, shame, powerless and I am alone & unsupported hurting more than anyone could ever know.

Which strangles the life in me when it is all shut up inside and I cannot communicate. I notice though I am not having to look straight ahead for anyone’s validation here. I am looking to what I have within me and expressing that right where I am as I am. I see incredible strength in my art today. I see bravery and I’m proud of myself that because I trusted in Gods Spirit & His Kingdom within.. I never gave up and I found a way through the madness.

I am looking to my art brush, to Holy Spirit.. to do what humanly has been impossible for me to do in my own power.

I have so enjoyed this 61 days of creating an index card daily.
Link here to what this challenge is all about. HERE..

I am on day 38 I think. I maybe a little behind the rest. But you know I took my time with this. If you only knew me personally you would know I am not a ‘take my time person’ with anything. And I mean that with sincerity. Not because I am a lay-back relaxed soul. But I do things as easily and quickly as I can. Can’t be bothered cooking or taking the time to prepare meals. The easier the better. I do not spend countless hours house cleaning or applying make up, maintaining my nails and doing my hair eek.. That is quite something for a woman to say these things.

But this art today. I took my time and it felt really good. Using my art supplies is good. It is just good all round. Because I was not being distracted but putting my heart and soul into it. I just do not always care for things as I could they have felt meaningless. A long time ago when I was struggling harder with life. I just dropped so many things to survive and which sucked energy that I needed to concentrate to staying head above water.

As time went on. I didn’t really get my heart back to much of what I dropped.. Some here and there. It is why I faded from so many radars.

So it pleases me that I can see my heart beating with meaning again. I have not blogged in ages either. But today I wanted to say more about ALL that is going on in myself which for the most part stays with me and ohh yes one online friend lol who gets a lot of it shared with them.

Art expression truly has helped me release the need to explain myself. And I have just kept up practicing drawing and painting and improving myself. I had no direction for so long oh dear. So very very long. So to see myself creating daily is cleansing to my soul and immensely purposeful.

I concentrate on what is within me to come out through my art rather than long lengthy explanations which I cannot be bothered with anyway. I mean the people around me have dwindled away in droves so I have had lots of time to hone my skills lol not that I always do. But God opened up a way for me to bring the inward out. I have mostly been alone in it. But you have to be don’t you. I can’t really concentrate on hearing as I am creating being deaf. I cannot listen to music even or have the tv on. Because I cannot catch enough of the programe by snippets of here and there. This is something hearing people take for granted. You can turn your head away and still hear. I have to be literally concentrating 100% and reading text or subtitles or your lips and I still miss so much. So its nice to just not have to try for hours while I create. Actually I lose all senses to the outside world. I think only about what I am creating.. so much peace in this..
So instead I hone in on what I am creating.. Full attention you know. These little index cards are simple and there is no end to what you could create with them. I enjoy following the tags on Instagram to see others interpretations of daily prompts. Day 38’s was palette.

I have challenged myself with the prompts but also I just so love that my spirit can so easily these days just hear a prompt and off my mind goes to bring forth different ideas in all directions. I have had more people noticing my art in this challenge then ever before. I can see the value of daily art and also what concentrated effort and joy brings forth. Immense joy to do these. Obviously the ones I pour more time into I find the most joy from.

People stopping to notice on social media and family members saying things to me when they see me. Wow!!!

I just want my art to be my heart blazing outwardly and being seen and my peace and faith and joy to be evident.. Yes even when the emotions are falling thick and fast I am not afraid anymore.. For so long I have lived a very tiny part of what’s inside of me on the outside but now the dam has broken and I am releasing what I think is my most soulful art to date.

Thank YOU Thank YOU LORD for art expression and how motivated I am in art these days I know I have had oh dear maybe years of sitting and shutting down and instead of flow reduced to dripping tap which mostly only annoys people.

I am also going to add a poem I woke up in middle of the night a few days ago to write. But I have had to change the ending today. Because putting my heart out into the world is not all that I need. I need connection too.. Connection has been my word of 2018. There is nothing like feedback, support, a word or more from people around you to give your artist heart even stronger wings then ever before. It can only get better from here…

Connection.

I write.

I create.

I live.

I feel.

To cope.

To exist.

To enjoy.

To rise. .

To be present.

To be seen.

To be heard.

To show my heart.

To bridge the gap.

Between you and me.

So instead of nothing.

There is something.

What I need.

What helps.

What comforts.

Is to know.

I am out in the world.

I am available.

It is enough.

But also it isn’t.

Not when I’m alone.

I look for you.

I wait for you.

I miss you.

I don’t want to be alone.

I need you.

I want to acknowledge your heart.

But I can’t communicate with you.

Will you meet me?

Where I can understand you too.

Please!!!!

See my art.

It is where our hearts can meet as one.

Bridge the gap.

Connection… 

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Psalm 126:5

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!

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Power Of Seeing Hope.

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I have been putting off posting my latest art. But till I attend to it I can not move forward. It sits beckoning for me to share it, to talk about it before I do anything else art wise.

To be completely honest it doesn’t feel good enough to express all that I feel led to share so why bother and so I feel kind of down and stuck because I wish I were better at expressing myself to the world. But it is what I did, I enjoyed doing it and this is where I have to trust God in my feeling inadequate. I have to see hope that there is a reason for everything and that it can be for more then just me.. Not be afraid.. Go forward with my message regardless to what I am feeling now and was at the time that there is a greater reason.. So I will just be brave and share what is on my heart as it is.

I did this art piece after watching a newly added Netflix documentary about a prison in Western Australia.
“Lockdown Oz: Maximum Security.”
It moved me so much that I used some new water color pencils to try to symbolize my feelings.

The stories of many souls that had lost their way moved me deeply. Incarcerated in a prison that has a bad reputation in our country but the people that work there really do so in such a way to give prisoners a fair chance at making something of themselves with the hope to never have to return once their sentence is over. They are given opportunities with good behavior to better themselves, start a new career and find something positive to do once they are released.

Obviously if you do the crime you do the time. But still the stories, the bleakness of living in captivity amongst so many other criminals and many are hardened by difficult back grounds and not to mention the darkness of many who have known not much else then a life of crime and wrong choices. It’s sad even though the prison is built with extensive gardens and lovely grounds, being an open campus facility.

Incredibly wardens are not carrying weapons, they have a different system in place to try to combat crime by not arming those who guard the prisoners. You do forget as you watch that there are many very dangerous people living in this place because their seems so much more openness and trust then you think would be possible.

One female warden shared about a very traumatic experience in the past when a large part of the prison became a battle ground. Prison officers lost control of their prisoners in an uprise where a mass of prisoners just went berserk and took over. So much anger and pent up feelings were let lose and her life as an officer had been in great danger and jeopardy at the time. Prisoners ripped bricks out of walls and used them as missiles and ran in gangs trapping guards. It would have been incredibly scary. She survived to tell us her story..

I was amazed she didn’t give up the job altogether after coming through that riot.

The beautiful colors in the sky I couldn’t help drawing were featured towards the end of the documentary just after this same lady was speaking about all the worst of her experience.. And it seemed such tranquility and a complete opposite to the horror of what had just been shared. The air was filled with a healing presence.

I was so impressed I hit pause and took a photo with my phone.

Absolutely brilliant sunset much too beautiful for me to capture but striking enough that I wanted to try to do an art piece on it.

All the ugliness, fear, anger, depression, blood being shed, sins of the inhabitants that trapped them in this life and unfortunately drove many into such a frenzy that after this fore said riot there were lock downs in place for somewhere like 12 months afterwords.

That same female warden said this about it..

“You’d go mad. You have to virtually switch off from that. No one on the outside, unless they’ve been in here, could understand. And even when a visitor comes in and they walk around our grounds and they’re beautiful. They’ve got flowers and green grass and shady trees, and the birds are nesting. And its just paradise out there… until someone pulls out a knife and starts cutting someone’s head off, which has happened.”

Then this incredible West Australian sunset flashed on the screen and that is the picture I drew and colored as brightly as I could but yes my talent nowhere close or could match near the natural colors of Gods masterpiece creation..

The deaf captions were reading.. same time ( birds chirping) when I took the pic so it seemed very peaceful not just a pretty sky.

All that chaos shared beforehand seemed to immediately pale in comparison as these colors mesmerized with such a stunning natural display that stretched like a healing blanket out over this place and it changed the whole atmosphere and direction of the documentary.

The bible says flesh is weak I know mine is. I heard story after story of people’s struggle within Casuarina Prison and some souls will not with-last their bodies ability to conquer that flesh in this life time. They said some will get out and not long after be straight back in prison.

I paced the house praying for those whose stories I watched and of course many are within prison and never get to tell their stories and yes many very violent people no one would wish could ever walk the streets again and their stories make you shudder and it is frightening to hear.

It does seem so hopeless but then I see this exquisite sunset and even if I showed the screen shot of it on my phone it would be far better in real life.

How it comes and goes so quickly, the size and expanse of it as it floods the coming night time sky. The brilliance and beauty and how it comes despite us. So far reaching.

The bible says where the flesh is weak the spirit is strong. Spirit is more powerful than flesh. Spirit lives on forever even when the body dies. I see the prison and bars and barb wire and it symbolizes everything that is semi-permanent but is ugly and difficult in our lives. It might loom menacing and never ending for now but it will pass away. End one day. Seasons come and go and even if things in this life don’t ever become what we hoped. Every human story has a beginning and end. But God has promised us there is eternity. A forever after. Forgiveness. Hope. HIS love stronger than any evil and Jesus has already made a way for all of us despite evil.

Love that wins all at the end of time.

When I see the colors that stretched across the sky over the prison. I saw hope for anyone caught up in something that traps their body and taints their human body and soul. I see that HE is with us even in the hardest places. HE is greater then evil. That is what I see. Hope.

It is my desire that no matter who feels trapped in their life or circumstances that they get a revelation that no matter where they are, how they are, GOD is with them, loves them and there is always hope. HE is greater and HE is with us. Power in our weakness.

JESUS is the light of the world. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

The Kingdom of heaven is within you.. Luke 17:21

What does my inner child need to know.

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“Loneliness does not come from having no people around, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.” Carl Jung

Something a face book friend Avalon Indigo Moonsong posted yesterday on her face book got me headed in the direction of attending my inner child.

She posted… “Many of us are traumatized children who still desperately want to be seen and heard — forcefully living in the bodies of adulthood.” by Feliciana Cacciapuoti-Mathew .. along with more thoughts which I also very much liked!

I have already shared here on my blog previously two parts of a series I’ve taken part in called “Into the Shadow” by Tracy Algar so the post from Avalon really reminded me of part three which I had still yet to do and it just seemed so right to think about it. Part 3 called ‘Inner child’ fits exactly. So I did an art piece (see below) based on what my inner child needs to know. Link to part 3 which will open another page to the site. Here.

The main image in my art is traced from a photo on the Internet via an ipad ap “Art Rage”. I was looking for a photo of an adult looking into a child’s face/eyes at the child’s eye level showing a real intimate connection between the two. This image seemed just right and resonated with me. I just traced it on my ipad and then printed my drawing. Colored it in with oil pastels using normal computer paper and then used ink spray and a dauber with black ink along with some acrylic paint through stencils for the background.

I want this art to express my thoughts on why the quotes and also on what Tracy has shared on her website resonate with me.  Plus also what it represents to me currently in my life.

I wanted the image to show my inner child face to face with anyone who values me and my need to feel and express my emotions and share my truth and passions as I am.  I have often craved strong encouragement to keep going in my life simply because I feel so vulnerable and weird to keep sharing and expressing myself as I do and I have felt so alone in this journey because few around me have been the same or recognized this heart cry in me.  So I have always tended to stick to myself and go inwardly instead ( except when I am sharing) and I’ve created worlds where I could be as fully me as possible. Many times I’m alone in even these worlds. Or I just shut down in a way and I guess my inner child feels neglected and why bother.

I have not always felt understood, accepted or valued as I am either in childhood or adulthood and I have often felt extreme loneliness.. Explained well by the very first quote I shared here in this post. I found that quote at the beginning of part three of “Into the Shadow”.

I am reminded at this point of the scripture “Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands.” 2 Timothy 1:6 I know that might seem like a weird verse to think of at this time. But the stirring up by another’s hands seems similar to what my inner child needs..

And that is that this endless tiredness of soul because I am putting my heart out in the world unseen which leads me to always be searching and desiring and longing for attention and nurturing and when I seem not to be its hard to keep doing it the same

I see that this need to be valued does actually have a reason behind it. That I am actually much less a person because of this lonely struggle and of course I am not going to feel oh goody lets go do it some more…

To be reminded that although I am a unique person in doing this I am not weird or need feel so awkward..  I can feel brave and precious and that it is OK to be supported to bring forth my fullness of inner being as well as blossom in my adult outer being too.

I need encouragement. We all do. But we each also need to know that we are loved and important as we are and how we are.

Therefore I see that when I struggle to be affirmed by another person it’s not cause I am weak or selfish or it’s a bad thing to be different to others and even the bible agrees that I need it.. We all do.. 🙂 ❤

Therefore I must not lose heart but awaken to the fact that I can be the one to stir it up in myself and recognize the importance of what I do and why I do it.  I can focus on what brings me alive and stir up my art expression to empower my inner child.. My creative spirit.

Confession. It has taken hours and hours to write this and as I am writing my whole thought pattern and flow has changed. I am seeing myself more clearly through my whole life and how I have been and why. I usually work at putting my blog out on the same day. But this time I told myself it is ok to go to bed and sleep on it. That this was an important exercise. That it is OK to be a work in progress and take my time with it. I was being helped even as I left it to work on it more today. Less of a desperation to get it out of the inside of me. 

So I am seeing through this exercise that this adult figure in my art expression is a representation of any person who will meet me where I need to be met.. Anyone who is moved to meet me on a level where I am at. Even if that is via my adult self encouraging what is needed for my inner child to thrive. I do not need to wait for others!

That there is a life changing epiphany.

Soul expression is never selfish but vital to my daily life and daily life force so I should nuture it and treasure it at all costs.

My Inner child therefore seems to represent my creative Spirit and that’s why it is so crucial to my whole being to pay attention to my inner child. Maybe my inner child has always needed art expression and that’s why I have become such a loner because I did not realize what I so desperately needed.

My inner child needs to know it is OK to be myself. That is OK to live expressively and share it. That through sharing my emotions I feel accepted on the level where I currently am. Eye to eye or face to face is so vitally important to a deaf person too who has lost the ability to use one of their five major senses but it does not have to be through only speaking and listening and it does not need to be physical. I can be met in a way whenever I and another person touch souls through my art or words or in a working and understanding relationship. For me especially through online friends have I found this to be a vital link to not feeling alone.

How important it is to be able to communicate where I feel heard and seen. That I am worthy of someone adjusting themselves to my height or mindset or wavelength by reading or viewing or acknowledging me where I am at..

How often have I been depressed because I cannot communicate with others like they can at the same level they are and even feel expected to function as they do. I do not have to try to communicate like you. It is OK to communicate in my own way that works for me.

Yes I do communicate differently and I do so love deep heart sharing. I am built to express myself for I am an emotional soul but I prefer one on one or even prefer on-line where I communicate easily as it is much more personal to me.

Connection happens for me whenever someone pays attention to what I say on social media, sends texts because I cannot use a normal phone or just cares for me in a way where I am free to do the same back. My inner child needs to know that others share my world and want too just as I share their world and want too. That my heart/art expression is valued. Not that it has to be praised for being good.. no no…  just that I be acknowledged for its how I speak, move and it is my presence and way to live in this world.

If nobody says what I need to hear or communicates in a way that I can understand. I can and should say it to myself. ❤ ❤

It is OK to be me. It is OK to live by my Spirit. It is OK to communicate in ways that I love and that work for me. I am enough as I am. It is OK to love sharing my faith and art via my spirit, express myself through art and my own words on my blog and via social media or any way that I do. It is OK to enjoy the way I want to do it and how I do it.

I am OK.. 🙂

What do I need to feel safe to come back?

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Following on from the last post I made here.

This writing and art piece are my work inspired by “Into the Shadows”  part two I will link to it.

Here.

Going to work at trying to say less here lol. Didn’t work 😆

Inspired by a scripture John 14:23 and the latter half mostly.  We will come to him and make our abode in him.. Obviously referring to me as ‘her’ not him.. I am a believer in God. But I kind of ditched everything I once knew to focus mainly on the SPIRIT because of all the difficulties I have gone through with life and also losing my ability to hear like everyone else.

Holy SPIRIT is my counsellor. Heart thing. From where I live from. Kingdom of heaven within reality. To get more of a sense of what I mean you’d probably have to go back and read more of my writing.

For me in this art piece. Having focused on my Shadow Self as I read what was asked of those following.

I immediately (without having even putting oil pastel to paper) knew this expression is what I wanted to express! I love, love, love the oil pastel kind of represents the HOLY SPIRIT too. In the bible there are many references to SPIRIT as oil!! That thought just came to me as I was writing and it is not why I have purposely chosen oil pastels.. When you are led by your Spirit it is absolutely incredible how all things work together and you just flow and know.

Here are my thoughts.

Naked flesh. I want to be vulnerable and transparent. Dark and grey background. Difficulties I face in the world. Many grey areas in our world even the religious world. Things are not crystal clear. The fact being we have so many fractions of religion and belief systems and non belief systems. Issues can divide human kind so easily and they do. How many bible interpretations are there and different beliefs about it.

Neck. Communication. My story/voice has struggled to be brought forth and therefore be acknowledged.

Hard.. so hard to communicate and I am not like everyone else. I even struggle to be the same as the majority of deaf.

Blue sadness. Struggles. Frustrations. Broken relationships that cut me off from being myself and its hard to do relationships because of what I have lived through. Feeling of being strangled. Choked. Alone. Isolated. The way I have been treated by people who should know me and stick up for me who have turned away and made me feel like my life force isn’t valuable. I find it hard to breathe life and be all that I am and can be. The mistreatment is like hands to my neck strangling the life out of me.

Black crosses criss-cross my throat to express all this but I think looking at the rest of my art this is not dominating my life and I do not need or wish to focus on this part of my life rather just acknowledge it.

Heart surrounded by my emotions. My need to express myself is huge.. Shows how central and important my heart/emotions etc are to my life force. I do not focus outwardly much at all these days. That shows clearly here.

Broken heart still evident though isn’t it wonderful to know and realise GODs SPIRIT still meets us in broken imperfect human hearts!! And so beautifully desires to make a ‘Home’ in us.. within us.. WOW!!

What I need to come fully or more fully into the light is…

To keep my focus on what is occurring within.  That sweetest of meeting places where HIS strength combines with my humanness therefore changing everything!!

For out of the heart flows the issues of life.

Royal purple flow at the bottom which I still feel is so much smaller than it could be but thankfully it is coming.. is flowing..

But I notice that again isn’t the greatest of importance to me.. Isn’t what I need mostly or as it seems is my real true focus.

Right here I can take a load off.. sigh and take heart. For I recognise in myself immense growth. Because I am not wanting to be ‘famous or perfect’ in my art expression or even wait till I’m perfect.. Not just doing it for others either which is surprising.. Rather my art expression is the vehicle to seeing what IS my truest reality and then I share it.

I think recognising the importance of daily art expression and indeed realising it is a great gift to me from GOD. I can glory in being fully myself and realising that all the while inside my heart that although it has been broken by life is ever present and healing is occurring.

There is a HUGE powerful force at work within me. THIS is where I need to focus on to fully come back!!!! If only in my outer life like in my art piece I can see it as HUGE as this. That little flow might just start to flood and saturate the wider world around me!!!

This is my art piece in a large nut shell lol. I am learning even as I write this and contemplate my art.

It is truly amazing though that my art expression is not showing me what still has to happen. It is not showing me things I still need to do.

IT IS showing me what is HAPPENING ALREADY

I just have to be aware. ❤️🌷🕊

Shadow Self

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What keeps me going is what the world calls coincidence but I call GOD moments.

Today an extremely personal art piece because of one of these so called GOD moments. Perhaps the most personal piece I have ever done. I want to be completely free and I’m always moving towards that.

Free in every way possible and being honest, brutally honest seems to be the only way to be free and to rise above things that keep me bound or make me believe I am bound.

This link is to a free offering called.. Into the Shadow part 1. Where you can find information on the why.. It is a free course offered this month of April 2018 by Tracy Algar. I am in a face book group she runs and this course is being shared there.

It’s where I found myself earlier today simply having a look at the art others had posted and found it encouraging. I then decided to grab some magazines here at home and do some collage art unrelated but inspired by what I had been looking at.

So as I began looking for things to cut out I randomly found an article on the very same thing I had just been reading in her course!!!! Coincidence or what!?! Call it what you will. But I take these things as neon arrows that this has relevance for me.

I decided to have a go at my own ‘Shadow’ piece but chose instead oil pastels to create it.

Often I am feeling a plethora of feelings but not always knowing how to articulate them or even what direction to go for in prayer to God to help me with it. Art is a way to sort through and express my heart at the deepest level.

When I look at this piece below what am I thinking? I feel much more honest than I’ve ever been before. I seem to focus on faces more than any other thing and have for awhile now. Obviously being a deaf person my eyesight is a major thing and I need to be close to others to understand them. Faces to me are about intimacy and particularly so being a loner of sorts, a single parent and often am on my own now that the children are growing up. My art seems to be focused more often than not on a solitary figure because that’s where I’m at.

Face to face thing is imperative. I need to be in anyone’s face to communicate in any way but also I think I am frustrated and angry that it’s hard to communicate and such a struggle all the time to find a willing face to communicate with at the same level.. Face to face communication is actually rare for me these days so there is more of an urgency to be in your face if that makes sense.

My heart another huge factor in my life. If its not a heart thing I am not really interested in it or lose interest in it quickly. I am drawn very much to truth and people who speak from the heart no matter how different they might be from me.

Emotions are precious and beautiful to me and I am a ‘feelings’ person so my art is going to reflect that. But I do feel more a loner for it too because most people I am associated with do not share intimately or like I do so I feel alone because I need too and everyone else around me does not. So I do tend to hold it in when I’m with anyone which is not good for me or I freak someone out when it seems to pours out without end in sight..

With few to share it with or who I feel wish to be hear it and not many around that are likewise yeah I get stuck with it and it can keep me blocked or it’s simply easier to dwell in my own little world to cope with it..

But also unfortunately my heart has been damaged by life, feeling isolated.. by people who don’t try to get me but also I consider it to be mostly damaged by being my vulnerable self in a way that is an absolutely necessity for me and yet for the most part is speaking to thin air and that feels plain weird.. I am acutely aware of this void around me.. It is my hardest battle and it IS NOT FOR ATTENTION I talk about it but I consider it necessary for SURVIVAL. I have had to fight for a place like a little bird squawks loudly if it wants to thrive. Only my squawking is done with my art now lol and there are days I don’t do it.

Being quiet and in any way half hearted or not true to myself I feel crippled and that has severed me from even myself and keeps me from wanting to be in the company of most anyone. I truly do not see any real reason to exert myself in the world or with anyone if I can’t relate or be relative to anyone else. Art just for myself no thank you. Please don’t suggest that cause it’s strange just like talking to oneself all the time is strange. I can’t communicate with another person like you can. If you don’t get that you never will get me.

I disconnect from the world to survive this and I find my own way through. It’s why I write so much here.. pour myself into it for hours.. It’s probably a couple of months worth of conversations you’ve enjoyed every day but I’ve missed out on..

The severed head is really a savage way to speak my rawest truth that I’ve felt decapitated by feeling unless I do it your way I’m wrong.. Suffering disconnection when others around me have not realised I need them to value me and accept me as I am how I am. That being who I am is not an evil thing. The evil thing is not facing the world in a way where I’m free to be me.

My emotions are who I am. I cannot survive if I do not express them. Yes I realise even doing this that I need to stop shrinking because of what people think or how they function. But I should hardly apologise for needing people. I just need them differently to you..

We all.. human and creature need each other but we all have different ways to need each other. I need to speak honestly and I also need to know I’m seen & heard sometimes even if I’m not understood. I realise though that I have to stop feeling wrong for doing so period.

It’s a very dark world if I am expected to live without sharing from my heart. I did not draw in my ears because I can’t hear and I do not focus on what I cannot do.

My eyes are actually closed in this for that is how I appear to the world who will not see my heart and that can be people who should know me better but don’t go beyond the surface. I will look different to them. But they will not be focusing on the truth of me at all.

My reality is that my eyes are wide open and I have nothing to hide. I thought of the scripture the eyes are the window to the soul and it may not be very clear in this art but the whites in my art first started as flesh than I coloured them with yellow. The whites of my eyes are now yellow in this piece. I feel people think I am ill instead of seeing me as a living, feeling, breathing spiritual person. But I am actually lit from within because of HIM and Spirit is where I live majorly from (where HE is). I believe that if majority see only my flesh they miss out on me almost completely so to them I’m disconnected or broken.

Yes I need to see myself differently. I will say that even though my heart has been broken it will never extinguish my Spirit thankfully so I have surrounded my heart with yellow to symbolise that.

My cheek shows a rosy colour! Pink is my emotions. My mouth is upturned to more a smile than frown. My eyes are open. My tears help me release emotions don’t ever be afraid of them. I’m looking straight ahead. I am focused. I live from my heart and spirit. My brokenness does not stop me. HE is with me. HE is life, hope, health & strength in my weakness.

It is with complete fearlessness that I share my most vulnerable self with you. People around me have failed me as I know that I have failed others when I am only a shadow of myself. I will remain hidden to anyone who does not see my heart because that is my truest self.

I am not begging or hiding here or ashamed. It is with boldness and vulnerability I reveal my shadow self and raw naked soul with it. Spirit is my realm and where my Spirit is.

I am.

Any arguments. HE created me take it up with HIM.. 😊❤️🕊

Hard pressed on every side but not crushed

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The answer to the question I asked before I started journaling surprised me.
In visual journaling we are asked to set an intention or ask a question before we start.. it kind of guides us as we journal.

I was surprised because it was a hard question and I kinda feared you know what would come out of the inside of me.

Hardest battle of my life to be honest and one I have felt most alone with. Like being just under the surface of a calm ocean but madly struggling.. but because everybody else only sees the surface they cannot see the struggles or the difficulty of it and some deny it is even a thing at all.. They go about their lives as if nothing was happening.

I am finally coming to peace with that. I have felt angry that I cannot share it with someone. Burden shared is a burden halved. Frustrated that I could not be supported or believed. I cannot survive though carrying around anger. Especially seeing I am mostly a peaceful person. In fact I would probably go so far as to say I don’t get angry. I cry rather then release things in anger. I am quick to forgive but I have learnt that this does not mean staying around to keep being hurt. Major change right here that I am proud of. But it has come at a cost. Not being understood but still I feel strong that I can stand up for what I believe in. You do not know how many times I have considered just slotting back in to how it used to be. Just so I was not on my own anymore and you are not ruffling up people’s feathers. Just to keep the peace. But see there is something about being true to yourself and at peace I am also learning. That it does not mean there is no conflicts. In fact I think the more you seek truth and peace the more conflicts you will find yourself in. But you have to learn to stand despite the conflicts. You have to learn that it will put you at odds with others who have settled and who just accept the way it is. They get jealous and they also will either fight you tooth and nail or completely close up to you. They cannot understand you and they will either fight or flee. I am not good at arguing. So if people do not agree with me they give up very easily and don’t stay around but I can survive it because I have found my peace within by being honest and being myself. I have nothing left to hide.

I have to learn to accept my own personal truth as not needing validation. Learning process for sure. I suppose all my life I have leaned on others for validation and been a follower. Learning now that I cannot do that and find inner peace because there just have been very few that I can follow or whom was able to understand where I am coming from or feel the same. So I have had to put my roots down deep where I am. Just like a tree where it finds all it needs by developing strong roots. The tree gains strength from finding its sustenance in the deep and it can stand solid through storms and the testings through time.

There are positives to this battle thankfully.

My question/intention was.. What is it about my sister that so upsets me?

The visual journaling I did was very positive for me to look at and if anyone is a deep truth seeker they should also clearly see where my heart/soul is on this. I can see growth in me. I can see gold and immense purpose in myself. Oh my goodness how powerful this piece of art is… no matter how simple it appears. I know exactly what it means too. I was actually excited today to sit down and do my writing here. I can feel a real inner pull on me to write. To share. To think about it. I love expressing how I feel. It is not till I do this that I can genuinely see just what has been happening in me even in times of what feels like ‘nothingness’. Long long periods of dormant and low activity which thanks to GOD are actually achieving something after all.

The green is growth. It looks like lungs. But it is more my gut that I was thinking about. Kidneys maybe even. But they are the deeper parts of me.
I think of the scripture. “Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of water will flow within them.” John 7:38
I didn’t use blue though which is different to rivers of water. But water bring brings growth doesn’t it and believe me I have done years of crying which I can see now is bringing growth!!!!!
In fact it makes me think of the green of planet earth when seen from above and how it is surrounded by the beautiful aqua blue of the oceans of the world. In the very beginning of what we know as time. Spirit was hovering over the waters when HE started saying the very words that creation sprung forth from.

Blue to me also means tears, washing etc.. I love that I didn’t have in my journaling about this question anything relating to sadness.. That is so very encouraging because I do know it is always a fear that everything that has happened to me has made me a victim to depression but my art is NOT saying that at all. I could so easily be depressed because it has been SO DAMN HARD with my sister. She is a key person in my life. My sister. We are both single mothers. Both having gone through divorces. Both have teenagers. Both have disabilities. We both have and do rely on our parents for help. Because I house share with my parents and they help my sister so much it has been doubly hard the closeness of this battle and especially the cruelness of not being seen or rather feeling alone in it. I also will say in my families defense and the people around me who could have helped. That I am different to almost everyone I am related too or have had close contact with. I am created to share and NEED to share. I am a creative person and I think all of my life it was not something I was raised to do or was used to be surrounded with others who did. It was not encouraged, nurtured, talked about etc.. I was like an ugly duckling in the wrong family. Just a way to explain it.. not complaining about it or judging others. Just explaining that I have probably struggled all my life because I have not been able to be true to who I am in an environment where others were the same. I have relatives who are creative and sadly we don’t connect even though as I have been more creative I thought it would happen easily. Ways to go still in relating to others.

In relation to my sister as to the why ask this question now. I have chosen to distance myself from her. Something that is not my choice at all but I have felt is the only way for now. Too much more to it than is possible to explain for this days sharing but only here I will share why it has upset me so and my thoughts about my answer via visual journaling.

In short because I struggle to be myself with her and she has also said when we last sort of had it out.. when I tried to communicate more deeply.. ‘Your heart seems to be locked up tight.’

She felt that.

You can see that she is right that this is truth. But not that I want it to be locked up and that is where it runs into a wall because unless I can explain more and why.. she will not experience more. But I cannot seem to get any further because when I have overflowed lol.. And I can go on and on as you can see. Nothing comes back from her depths and I have felt defensive instead of myself and definitely not free flowing. I mean obviously we are not the same. But unless I can say some things and feel heard it all seems to stay with me and that is as far as we get. There is going to be a flow with two people who are communicating and free with each other and it is going to benefit both I believe. Not harmful or needing of either to hold back. We have not had freedom and I have not felt safe. Our hearts and souls are treasures after all which deserve respect, grace and the kind of love that allows us to be who we are with each other.. Warts and all.

So this green shows that I am wanting to flow despite our relationship in the past and currently. And I want deep. Which is why the black box appeared.. The black was not anything to do with me. Rather it is what has happened to us both when I cannot share naturally. When what I most desire which is obviously still huge to me runs into a wall..

I am so glad to see the flow is still there and does not seem diminished.. It has not stopped perse. Like I mean it is still there.. it has not dried up no matter what people think or even my sister thinks. I still want to share life with her. I have not always known that about myself. I have had anxiety even being around her. Strange because I am peace loving person and have a lay back personality. So when I consider all that our relationship has been and things said and not said. Anxiety rises up. So I am glad looking at this I am not seeing anxiety here in my art.

It is just I cannot and have not been able to flow with her. I am most comforted that I am not angry and I am not sad according to my journaling. I am still wanting relationship but I recognize that what I do want is healthy relationship. To be myself fully. To share deep things. Green signifies growth. But the fact that it is not blue. Blue symbolizes to me an exchange of relationship. I have all this growth inside but it only comes up to a point. It is not returned to fully complete the cycle I suppose you could say by looking at this art piece. It is not meant to be one way. One sided. It is meant to be for both my sister and me. To help each other. To be a safe place. A support. A confidant to each other. The pink symbolizes how my art and self expression helps me be who I am. A part of how I function. It is not that I do things I do to be different but rather it is who I am and being who I am helps me to bring up the deep things. Totally necessary. Shows that the way our relationship has been has hindered my whole self with my sister. So much more to say and so much more to be and so much more to contribute but its vitally important that I am free to communicate in my own unique way. That is where the treasure of me is.

The gold color I used is perhaps the most beautiful thing of all. I think of this scripture.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves. 2 Corinthians 4:7

It appears to be a GOD thing that this is who I am. This is how I am created.

Only recently I found a t-shirt at a op shop or you might call it a thrift store. It has the word ‘Power’ on it. The timing.. Lol I know immense hope for all that is NOT happening in my life when I bypass the very humanness of myself and concentrate on Spirit. GOD in me. GOD in this human body. If all my sister sees is the black.. Well she misses the treasure of me and she will only see the earthen vessel. If I cannot communicate my truth and be myself as I am to my sister she is going to miss the treasure. Anyone is.

Using art expression God has transformed my sadness to growth and given me abundant life within that desperately desires to be expressed to my sister and anyone else I am sharing life with. Some see art as just a very personal and intimate thing to help oneself. But I see art expression as my way to be who I am created to me. To shine my light/light of God who is working with me and a way to communicate as a deaf person too in this world. Spirit is what animates life itself after all.

I can see HIM working especially in my hard times, despite my humanness it is the most powerful thing on earth because when you really see SPIRIT is working so intimately within you, it is a very deep and soul satisfying message of life and hope. Seen crystal clear even in the simplest of things like visual journaling.

I am comforted for all that my life has been and all that my life has not been.. The difficulties only shine HIS greater purposes to me even brighter. I am finding joy right now in sharing this.

HE appears to me in midst my art obsession of collecting and hoarding art supplies because they are what I use to tell my truth and GOD meets me here within my humanness and hoarding art supplies.. And God IS involved in my art no matter how simple, despite how my outer circumstances do not make sense and how disconnected I might appear. Despite how many relationships I struggle with and the blackness that shows to the world. The introvert that I can be. The differences to others. The struggle with my sister.

There is still treasure to be found.

Bypassing my rational brain using visual art journaling I am able to speak from my heart not my head that likes to worry about things and wonder why this has happened the way it has and which struggles to communicate like the rest of the world does. I do shut down and lose focus when I think about how my outward life is and do not concentrate on the power and presence of SPIRIT. Flesh is weak. Spirit is strong.

Art expression shows what I truly feel inside it shows my super power :).
It is the truth after all and yes I too am surprised by how pure my heart is here. Glory to GOD!!!

Despite the black displayed in my art. The hardship.
(2 corinthians 4:8.. We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed.. Perplexed but not in despair; )
I am filled with gold.
My struggle to express myself has had incredible internal benefits because I need GODS help to keep my inward focus.
That’s how I found abundant life within. (Kingdom of Heaven is within)
I see enormous growth and flow which is a miracle even if its very different to how it looks on the outside.
(GOD looks not at the outward appearance but at the heart)
I am not filled with anger or sadness or lack or even blackness..
I am filled with light..
His power is best shown when I am sharing powerful truth even from within my own difficulties.

Why am I so disheartened…?

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Deep speaks to deep… wow the above heading is part of my intention for Visual Journaling today.  And woah what has come up from the depths of my soul is so empowering to me and no matter what I will share it because it appears a message for more than just me..

Like a burning in my bones I cannot keep it in.

My Intention was.. “Why was I so disheartened when nobody saw my blog/writing/art?”.. referring to my last blog post..

The art today I’ve done is based on this intention but also what flows out of me as I work on this exercise and think about how I’m feeling currently…

Something for SO LONG which has not been easy for me. I would liken it to a crack in a wall that has till this point only leaked a small flow.. yet has a full reservoir of water welled up behind it that desperately needs to run free. I really haven’t got to the deeper core yet.. only skimmed the surface but it’s moving now. Thank YOU LORD!!

I put so much of my heart and soul into my last blog and I have not been able to do that for a long long long time and it was powerful to put that into the world.

I suppose I think and was hoping it would be seen and read.. Such a break through personally.. so amazing to me…but very little if nothing came back and it was disheartening. Invisibility to the world.. Like you win the jackpot but there’s no one to tell even though you desperately want too..

I added words too to today’s art as I was led. It all speaks..

This is simply what comes up. Not judging myself. Not thinking why did I say that NO.. I am just flowing and it is amazing me what comes up and how it comes and the depth of meaning to it I can so easily understand.

I sometimes feel so shut down.. Like I have literally nothing to contribute of value. But I feel real treasure here and depth even I didn’t know was there..

When I started to relax into this I could sense my mind, my brain is hurting. I cannot understand why I am so invisible when I am being my most authentic ever. I cannot fathom why. It seems so cruel.. I want my light to shine not be hidden..

I think the pink blob which is created with gelatos.. I also used a paint brush with water because it activates and blends the consistency of colour.. Doing so the water took away the sharp edges I originally drew. I was visualising the colour coral as I began to settle into this excercise. All my expressions referring to myself or art that I do or faith that I have lately has been symbolised by the colour pink.

But this time pink with a sort of flesh colour..

Female, flesh.. rock like but unseen hidden beneath an ocean appears to really symbolize how I feel. Yet as I was scribbling this I was not intentionally thinking coral, ocean or what not. But just letting colours and feelings and soul and spirit and frustrations tumble out of me. This is what came. Blue and green background that was intentional to blend.. looks like water.. symbolising my world.. frame of my world.. blue is expanse of sky or even God everywhere to me, flow of spirit.. depth of endless ocean, its peaceful even being alone so much.. green for growth and learning.. Because I am growing in this art adventure..

Art is life to me. It is health to me.. It is beautiful and deep and spirit is where it is at for me. Not boxed in at all.. freedom.. but it is lonely too because not a lot of people around me live wholly from their spirits or notice mine. So the largeness of the singular shape really expresses my own little world doesn’t it.

The water over the colours does soften the coral edges so maybe it means my tears (releasing emotions) keeps me softer..

So that is how what I created made me think of my feminine brain which turned into coral in an ocean.. Very calming to me is my art expression but then I added a black barbed wire fence because I feel angry and hurt and discouraged that this beauty in my life which I so love to express.. being my heart through art into the world is mainly unseen and I do not want it to be a selfish thing .. And even those closest to me don’t take notice, recognise what I do or appear to care how important this is to me and maybe more than just me. A few do.. ❤

I feel frustrated.. stifled. I see that art piece and I feel angry. This beautiful piece of unique coral in the ocean is fenced in.. Is blocked.. the natural ebb and flow is disrupted.. Although it may look guarded it doesn’t feel that way to me.. I see in this art piece a kind of similarity with the way the world around us is being damaged too..

How that oceans are being polluted.. and that we all need to more deeply look at our natural world and wake up to the damage being done to it.. realise what is happening.

I think it’s the same with the spiritual world too. People need to wake up!!

We need to acknowledge the beauty of life and preciousness of the world around us and cherish it but not with fences or hemming it in or caging it in, but by being aware of its importance to all of us.

How each of us suffers when only one part is ignored. There is a bible verse about that. About how we have to care for the whole body, every part is significant. To not want everyone to be the same but see and appreciate the different parts and how each part is valuable and we are supposed to come together and yet need to work as one.

Jagged edges of my soul, my life, my uniqueness; indeed every soul.. It makes us each one so very precious doesn’t it..

Why do we want to stop growth, disrupt peace, destroy the natural beauty of life by ignoring, by not seeing and not appreciating every soul.. each beautiful soul and talent. It is beyond me.. making one more important than another.. All is precious..

Environmentalists have to be louder and find more bold ways to protect our world. They need to keep sharing information all the time. They need to always be aware of the world around them.. Especially telling the truth about the dangers to wildlife and our eco system so that we can change the way we treat the world in which we live. But also sharing ways to help and heal our world too!!!

I feel I too have to be louder and bolder. I have to see these trials and difficulties I face and let them stir me up to action. Not give up..

Being overlooked. Being unseen. Being fenced in. Being ignored. I need to work all the more within this barrier and beyond and be even louder, more persistent with my soul truths.

I truly believe that even one person can make a difference who speaks their truth and tells their story and shines their brave soul light.. and it will benefit every other soul to do the same but first they’ve got to see it..

Light

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Isaiah 9:2
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.

I love the light shining from clouds. Sun rays breaking through. They amazingly encourage me no end.
Heaven piercing through to earth. I took this photo while I was walking my dog one day and I love everything about it. It was like a spotlight, so direct this particular ray breaking through. My Iphone seemed to capture the remaining daylight as much more dark then it actually was but it works to highlight the sunbeam of light even more.

I have noticed these much more in my latter life and there was a period of time when I saw rays of light every single day I walked no matter what time I walked outside and I have seen them many more times and most of the time I have to take a photo. God has encouraged me through them because this latter part of my life has been hardest. I need HIM more than I ever have before. I have felt very much like a person walking in darkness as the leading scripture I shared says and it was exactly as if a light had dawned just for me and it gives immense hope.

My circumstances may not have changed too much but I have changed inside. I have hope within where it felt hopeless before and just seeing this strengthens my spirit.

God is that light to me. It felt very much that HE was shining it just for me at that moment. Right place right time. Exact message I needed to help me keep going.

This word is part of a series of words that together with other people I met with in December last year via a face book group and daily we were supposed to art journal about them.  For Advent LOL but I am slowly still plodding through. Hardly any time of late to do art and before that not very much motivation or desire. So I am persisting through even though I do not really know why. I think perhaps they are helping me just keep going and knowing that I didn’t give up is good for me to make myself do it.

I know remembering this photo and tying it in with the word encourages me again today. That is the power of God and scripture too.. One verse.. Sometimes just one word is all it takes to speak to me. Time or apparent circumstances seem not to disempower spiritual matters. Light is God to me whether it is for Advent, past, present or future. Spirit always packs a punch though it can come differently and in any form which is why it’s so wonderful at helping you see the divine in the every day.

Spirit is strong. Spirit is current. Spirit is good. I love that I can tie in photography, art, words, timing, God, Spirit, faith, scripture, art supplies, my art journal, personal sharing in putting this together AND share it on social media too.. ❤️️❤️

Finding my voice through finger painting

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Doing a new course I started via an art bundle by Alena Hennessy.. I was asked..

What did you discover or uncover by doing this lesson?

What surprised you? What felt familiar?

My thoughts below on these questions along with my art piece..

I pulled out the colour acrylic paints that I was attracted too. Started in a sort of flow pattern using my fingers not a brush. I was less worried than I have been before about what I was actually doing. I always approach painting even something as simple as finger painting with a bit of trepidation. I feel it has to mean something from the get go. I’m not used to free form painting I’m used to my art having some sort of structure. I did do it with that lurking in the back of my mind. So I am not quite free yet but every time I paint I am a little bit freer.
What surprised me as I got started is that I instinctively started to form something on the page without thinking. And even though I did not have a formal plan it started to take a shape of sorts. I just kept it up and used the colors I had originally been drawn too. Only now I found another separate color would come to mind and I went and got it and added it. Not for any reason but that the color came to mind so I used it. I started with blues, greens and a maroon color. Then for some reason I thought of the colors yellow and bit later white. I added pink as well. I didn’t wait till it dried before adding more so that changed some.. It surprised me that I was thinking of colors out of what seemed like thin air. Then as I kept at it I felt that things were fitting into a kind of pattern. It was starting to mean something and that felt really good but there was also no pressure on me whatsoever. The relaxing meditation before I started really calmed me and although my body didn’t appear to be giving me any messages at that time.. which was one of the things we were asked to take note of. My painting did actually feel like I was painting my back bone and blood and it was channeling my creative flow and the wonderful growth and beauty it is bringing to my life.

So astonishingly enough my body was actually speaking to me cause there it is on the page!! I could literally feel that flow in my fingertips and how all my creative endeavours up to this point in life have been changing me within and ‘tada’ this is what was showing up on the page.

Familiar feeling to me was using creativity and enjoying my art journal.. Feeling free creating and feeling that now I’m expressing myself on a page I’m a true artist.. I had the idea as I kept it up that it wasn’t finished. So I just kept adding to it.. kept going till I was done..

The longer I painted the more I could feel where I wanted to add a color and how that color fit onto the page.

When I look at it now I feel its finished. How do I know?? I do not know lol.

I sense the word ‘Persistence’ when I look at it. I have had to be Persistent in my life, faith & art.. stubborn to keep my chin up.. Develop a back bone and creative expression has been a major factor through which Gods Spirit has brought me back to life.. Cause I’ve really felt in the past I was almost extinguished and felt stagnant.. separate to everyone else because my path became so narrow.. It was like I’ve been walking down a long, dark tunnel mostly on my own for a very long time but I can still see the world I just can’t break through.. Art has been the roots of a new strong me breaking through!!

I really like seeing in this painting that my life is beautifully flowing again.. and it’s all connected and I can truly say I am no longer stagnant or feeling as separate and alone..

I am really surprised just how colors that I have so easily finger painted onto a page can be so meaningful.

Touched By An Angel

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Just a lovely moment I wanted to share..

The Spirit is moving!! God does use angels to touch our hearts!! Connecting us in a myriad of incredible ways even across the world.. providing comfort, inspiration and strength.

I love Instagram it’s where I get so much inspiration.. meet with countless creative souls and also share my own photos & art.

Today I found myself at the Instagram account of Roma Downey. She posted a photo of her close friend Della Reese who recently passed.. It’s of a keepsake printed for family and friends as they came together to celebrate her life..

I’ve loved and admired both these women because of the tv series “Touched by an Angel”. Anyway I left a comment on the post saying something like “You will see her again one day.. but I know it’s hard to wait ❤️️.”

Not long after she liked my comment..

ATM there is over 3,000 comments and I don’t know how many were there when I posted but to even try to respond to so many is amazing..

Anyway what was most amazing is that I felt that exact moment in my heart.. I literally felt something touching my spirit when I saw a message pop up on my phone that Roma liked it..

I stood there a moment hand to my heart and experienced a real connection which is hard to explain but there’s an awareness of a connection with Roma’s spirit at that exact moment.. Heaven moving inside you l really don’t know how to explain it.. but it feels exquisite..

Once my feet touched the floor again I had to immediately go back and share that because something tangible was happening.. Roma is grieving.. it’s hard to say goodbye to someone we love no matter how many lovely memories and times we share.. you just miss their presence..

I just hoped that sharing that small moment might do the same and comfort her heart.. of course not even knowing if she’d see it..

Spirit transcends our grief, time barriers and also distance in some amazing way.. Amazingly she did see it!!

Snap shot of what I shared and Roma’s response below.. 😍 I realise re-reading it I spelt Della’s name wrong 😩.. somehow though Spirit & Angels work though our imperfections too.. we really do need to see the heart sometimes because flesh so easily err’s..

Also a digital art piece I did because of all this.. Using a photo of my own angel statue from my art desk.. It’s like a pictorial black out poetry piece except I’ve blocked out pieces of the photo using words from items in my desk as the poem.. and added a few images to it as well.. Poem is not the right word though but I’m trying to explain how I did it.

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