Category Archives: Soul Expression

However that comes…

Impossible days

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Suffering takes away pretence, fear and the need to use filters. You just want it to end period. You will do anything but the truth is.. You have so little energy and if you give up you die. I unapologetically and stubbornly adhered to faith in GOD. I pushed through when it seemed to get worse and I wanted to stop. I share cause I wish to help anyone suffering. I sympathise with you and do not want to play down how much you are personally going through this was just my journey. I want to help you find help and a way through also and I will pray for anyone who asks.

Last few days for me felt impossibly hard. Yet as I look back it seems such a drop in the bucket of any type of suffering. But it went achingly slow as I passed through it. As a believer in GOD for me it was a spiritual battle that spilled over and affected my very mind. It was hard to think about anything. My mind was thinking ridiculous things and I was losing control of it. Such a strange strange feeling. I was stomach sick same time so I was so drained. Devoid of energy. Bad dreams and not much sleep. I was zapped and felt so anxious and like a paralysis. Like having to think and move through thick treacle. So bodily tired because I was fighting mental battles in my head. Never gone through anything like this.

My mother helped with day to day running around. I probably shouldn’t have been driving but at times I couldn’t find anyone to help. I want to write this up in case anybody else is helped.

I am at the other end of it now. Still feeling weak. Like not quite myself but the mind battles have stopped.

I was constantly quoting scriptures. But at the time it was hard to speak loudly or sing praise as someone said and I did everything to the best of my ability at the time even if it sounded like a grunt to anyone else. I asked for prayers on face book. I believe they saved me from far worse. I absolutely do.

I recommitted my life to GOD.. I did everything I could think of. All the things that have worked in the past didn’t seem to touch it. I felt like screaming.. I was walking about battling in my head wondering if my family could tell. I did eventually tell my parents even wrote on face book in comments I was struggling mentally. I have never done that before and I have had many low times in the past.

I even reached out to a friend who I had not spoken too in years. Who prayed for me when baby Tyler was ill back in 1997. I just knew her prayers back then had given me such peace and helped me through an impossibly hard time and I not only knew peace for the situation back there but I was comforted for baby Tyler who also suffered.. To know that kind of peace lifted so much grief and sadness and changed a very difficult experience to something that was life changing in the best ways. I had peace complete and utter peace when even family friends were openly grieving and crying I was dry eyed and I am a normally very emotional person. God is absolutely real!! HE changes everything. But it doesn’t mean you escape suffering it just means you have hope going through it and support comes to you at times too. Not as you think it will.
You cannot order what happens you just cry out and keep crying out and I was groaning too in my spirit which is very weird but it is when you are too tired to talk but you are feeling overwhelmed and it spills into groaning type prayers from deep inside you. Sometimes ideas come to you at the time just pop into your head so I followed through many times without stopping to think about it. Good ones.. Lol there were some I wouldn’t want to admit.. Absolutely crazy and very dark.

I lost my peace in these last few days so I wanted that back and this friend was instrumental in praying for me then. That is how desperate I felt. We had lost touch and I reached out because I could not carry on mentally struggling as I was.
People cannot help you in the hardest times or at least that has happened to me this way. They can support you.. Help you.. But the ultimate help only comes from GOD who is spirit and with us always whether we are aware or not.. And there were hours at night I battled alone or it felt it and I did not feel God I actually felt very far from him.. But I knew people were praying. I sat in the darkness reading scriptures from a book on my iphone called “The Secret Power of speaking God’s word” by Joyce Meyer.. I found the book in an op shop but also have it in ebook form on my phone. I just sat in the dark reading scriptures over myself till I was too tired to read. There are times you are tired but you have to say.. Ok I have to trust I have done all I know to do. I can’t read anymore or pray anymore I am lying down. I am going to try to sleep. And sleep did come eventually. Thank YOU GOD..I just woke up at many times at night and did this over and over.. Sleep.. Wake.. Read.. Pray.. Sleep.. Wake.. Etc.. Till the morning light came.. Gosh those nights are everlasting.

I also dressed myself in the Armour of GOD.. Find in Ephesians 6 putting on each piece of armor and speaking about how it was helping me.

I have been writing prayers to Abba through another book as a devotional. But at this time I couldn’t do that.. I was too tired and not mentally capable. I probably wrote some things without filters lol on face book and to people so I do apologise to those people. I noticed my filters dropped and suddenly I was saying things without thinking ‘is this is appropriate or not’.. I remember taking Zali to work and I got to her workplace and I was freaking out. I couldn’t go anywhere.. Clammy and felt so weak and sick to my core.. She was wondering why I couldn’t function but I was struggling to do anything but sit and just wait it through till it passed which thankfully it did.

Kids gave me hugs throughout which were great. My mother helped with things. Listened and my kids sort of had to fend for themselves but they are adults thankfully.. I realise I house share with family so I do not know what other people do without that support.. So maybe I am better off this way. I still had to drive around my kids to work. Slept more.. Sat more.. Eating habits changed. This is just a few days mind you. Lol. It even sounds weird comparing this short time to what many go through days, months, years and so much worse then this… But for the short time it was incapacitating like I have never experienced before..

I mean I have gone through divorce.. Losing my hearing over many years. Being deaf with a severe loss.. Losing a child. Single motherhood.. Being isolated by ongoing difficult relationships and just trying to deal with them and what it means to my life.. My youngest sister drowned.. Etc.. I have had struggles but this was the hardest when your mind goes your whole world tips over.. It affects everything around you and I am sorry to say so much of what people suggest falls so short and I tried to be gentle about answering them when I could most times I just said thanks and I felt such compassion for people who are struggling and weak to do much but feel utterly hopeless.. You are suffering and its painful and long and lonely and you are fighting and just trying to stay with it. I was out of sync within myself. How do you explain that? I am trying here but it felt much much worse.

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What it all means personally.

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Happy Easter..

I have not blogged in simply ages. I have been concentrating on art expression in visual ways and paint on paper or canvas ways. Today because it is considered one of the highest important holy days in the Christian calendar and as I did not attend a physical building I think it might be a perfect day to write and connect hopefully with others. When I say connect I mean others can read and respond or just read or ignore completely which probably happens more then not. 🙂 But it is my way to share this moment, on this day, on this occasion just in a different way then others share it. Except I am not confined to a physical location and specific time. When I post words and thoughts and any corresponding pictures it stays there and can continue to speak. That kind of tickles my fancy.. A bit thrilling cause it becomes timeless in its own way.

Just an easier place to connect for me and it is more meaningful too. Where I am not just sitting and vegetating in an environment where I am not feeling connected to others.

I cannot hear or enjoy any music, nor really join in singing or worshipping that way nor hear a good sermon or even bow in prayer and join with others cause I have no way to know what is being shared around me. Because I cannot hear it and I get distracted and I cannot enjoy it. I am not really drawn that way any longer.

I am here.. God is here and I am at peace and I can wholly immerse myself in what I am writing and flowing with here. I enjoy it.

I am so very thankful to HIM for what Easter means and I can talk about my recent painting that I didn’t get to share more about. HE continually is placing religious art and art supplies in my way and its so personal and HE is saying to me.. enjoy this journey and please express it and gladfully share it. I am here with you. So close. I have given you this way to express yourself and connect with others don’t be afraid to soak it in and you do not need to be this or that or go here and there and you do not need anyone else’s approval or to do anything different to what is on your heart and how I am leading you.. I feel so precious. So favoured and because I am online I can also share it which makes it a way to communicate too.

But it is different to the majority and it means not looking to traditional methods and it means every day reflection and inspiration not just on certain days. Every day is holy and divine but I am free to experience it in normal and every day life and also a way that is incredibly life affirming and life giving to me personally.

Religious type art expression again can set you apart and there will be only certain people who will respond to it and sometimes no one but it does sort of encourage people who are not religious to respond and take notice simply because its in art form and there is freedom there. All people can appreciate freedom well I hope they can. True freedom is what our LORD came to bring to the world in any case.

2 Corinthinans 3:17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

My art of Jesus on the cross.. was inspired by a $1 dollar purchase of a beautiful prayer book. I did intend at first to cut it up for collage and art journaling and it was cheap but I may not of course because I find it hard to cut up beautiful things. So much gorgeous art in this beautiful book as well as prayers and writings. You see when I find these things it truly is as if HE puts them in my path. Well within my budget and yes I will admit to collecting many beautiful things and also things that inspire me and I enjoy being surrounded by them…

I do not want to be so ‘religious’ as such though this would be considered religious art.. I want my art to be personal, from my core and spiritual but also approachable. To be completely honest to who I am and what I believe but also not make it so that it isn’t disrespectful to GOD and HIS presence and glory. HE is holy and grand in the grandest sense but HE is not to me a central focus where I feel I need to be like everyone else.. not that I do not need people or too belong. Just that through HIM I believe and see that I am joined to everyone else and I guess that fixed gaze does tend to keep me not drawn to different ways of living or needing to be like everyone else. Through HIM I live and find my whole being revitalised and totally at peace.

My whole reason to exist, like HE is the sun and I am simply one of the planets among a whole solar system of other planets and we are all rotating and going through our existence revolving around HIM and although each is its own separate existence we are all one because of HIM who is at the centre of all life.

Seeking HIM first and HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness (not my own) and then all these things are added to me .. my rendition of Matthew 6:33

I thought first about painting on a canvas or something blank that you could do something else with or display at a later date. But my art journal is where I am daily. It has many things in it that are all personal to me. I have not set out to make a living from my art money wise or to display it other then online. I just felt led to create it at a personal level. I had already pre-painted the background. It felt right to paint it in here. Alongside a cut up collage of a city scene in winter .. It says.. here is where I seek and find GOD in my every day life right where I am, as I am.

So I put myself in the painting looking up at HIM like I do in my personal life. Being Easter HE is on the cross and inspired by that book I just found recently so it all fits in together. I did hesitate to paint something like this because the image I am basing my painting on is so perfectly painted. By artist Rogier van der Weyden (1400 -64) Christ on the cross..

This is where I have to lose all fear. Just have a go. Let go. let GOD. I remember the other day walking around the house after painting the initial painting. I love to pray walking around lol and also I can pray doing most anything.

I was saying to God.. how minuscule what I create is.. How I live. How I appear and present myself in this world. All so miniscule. Immediately after that prayer was said my youngest son came up and offered to me a plate of my favourite snacks. It was so beautiful. Like a reward straight after and I thanked God and was at peace. I mean I tie everything in you know. So I just do my thing. I find my joy in it and good things happen to me along the way!!

This is my intention always. ***

2 Corinthians 4:7 New Living Translation
We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

and for a different slant from English Standard Version
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

So I can be unafraid even amongst the curled up pages of my art journal. My cluttered room. My introverted ways. By simple paintings.. to show you this absolute greatness of GOD that chooses to show HIMSELF through me.. ***

HE was vulnerable on the cross. At the mercy of me as an artist lol but also in life at the mercy of soldiers who didn’t care for human dignity or human suffering the cross was punishment and extremely cruel. I mean I realise they didn’t believe it was GOD right. But they would have heard the stories and maybe even witnessed miracles I do not know. I know the bible says on that day remarkable things happened. I mean this man was well known and he had followers and loved ones surrounding him. HE had stirred up a lot of people including the religious people of that day. HE was hated and HE was loved deeply.

To paint his body. HIS manly body. HIS human body. HE was probably stripped naked on that cross.. No decency here right. But I covered his maleness. I just wanted that to represent how I wish to depict truth but also not disrespect GOD or others in the process. I do not do what I do for shock value or even to disrespect others way of life. I see that modesty and honour is important. But I did start out being quite crude with my painting. I mean his arms are not right because HE was a carpenter HE would have been strong but to me the whole closeness of SPIRIT is hard because there is no touch.. there is no physical presence and I find that hard. It is lonely and I miss physical presence but faith isn’t seeing so you have to learn to trust and when you let go of the need for the physical closeness that strength and support brings.. you must find form and fortitude in weakness. So as I persisted on through my painting HIS face, heart, chest and lower body it became easier to form and paint. It was beautiful painting HIS body.. It felt freeing and I could identify with HIM as thoroughly human through this painting.. HIS suffering is beautiful to me because I have suffered and HE has become real to me in my suffering. So I am comforted.. I find hope and beauty in HIS suffering so that is how HIS thorns transformed to what appears a floral wreath.. though I did not mean that at all. I find my strength and momentum to live because HE is close to the broken hearted and HE himself was broken for me. Though HE is on the cross I believe and know HE has already overcome death, suffering and all evil and so will I.

By HIS wounds I am healed. At Easter and every day forward and back and for all eternity. I find life and not just life but abundant life.

 

 

 

 

She Remembered

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I read those words in a novel I am currently reading and they stood out and motivated me to create this art and make a perfect heading.

Absolute struggle for me personally of late and this time I have told nobody except God alone. I don’t think I have ever done that before. Especially considering the intensity of it. I had a night of disturbed sleep and very dramatic dreams and I was struggling with what it all personally meant to me. Alone with it but I went straight to GOD and it was enough!! Peace came.. An absolute complete turn around in me.

The girl or woman figure in the painting is in black and white. No colour in her world. She craves it but you cannot change things sometimes no matter how hard you want it changed. I knew immediately that she was going to be in black and white and you were only going to see half of her face. She is right there easily accessed awake and waiting. But she’s struggling.

I wanted to add these words too which were my own truth.

She fails. She hurts. She’s anxious. She doubts. She has faults. She needs.

But what strikes me in my own life as I created this is that I can so very easily interpret it right here and there is so much meaning and I don’t intend for it, or work for it or even have to think it out. But yet I am able to easily see it in what I have created that it is flowing out of me with absolute ease..

I can tell you I am not one to easily explain myself to anyone even those closest to me and yes I didn’t recently tell anyone either even though it was such an intense battle I was facing. In fact my hardest battles have mostly been fought on my own. So it is from all this that my art expression in this painting finds its outlet.. And there’s this incredible difference between flesh and spirit and how I face the world when I live via one as opposed to the other.

So my black and white portrait despite the struggle is up nice and close, even in her rawness shes not staying small. She is incredibly upfront and vulnerable but to me that is bravery. My life too has been incredibly hidden yet I believe and can see that at least art wise, creative wise I am up front.

She is looking straight ahead. I find such strength here despite the fact I am writing raw words, hard words. Even void of colour she is still head forward, eyes opened and I think very fearless.
The painting is depicting that moment where she is remembering HIM and all that HE has become to her on her journey and how when that comes into the light faults don’t even matter in fact we can be shamelessly bold. I know I quote this alot. When I am weak HE is strong but I am going to take it even a step further because the well known verse talks about being able to boast about it and that this is exactly how best HIS help is seen in us and through us.. And it is exactly how it is in my life to especially me.

But here I think you can best see the juxtapose of my painting. The frail human next to the strong figure of Jesus who is the Christ yet they stand level and together as one. In HIS rich and vivid colours HE is full of beauty, majesty and also ever present help and is accessible to me but it is not by sight but by faith so I chose to have his eyes closed because HE is my rest and my comfort and I don’t need to see him to know HIM. I also believe that I can fully trust HIM to bring together all my loose ends and all that troubles me and it will be a great ending despite some very hard and long chapters..

I know many talk of walking and talking with HIM.. Hearing HIM and even seeing HIM.. I haven’t had that to a great extent in my life. It has been a pure faith walk.. Spiritual battle that is way beyond my strength and ability to cope and even make sense of… So I find incredible fortitude when peace fills my heart despite all that comes against me and all that falls away and all I fail at. Gives me rock solid unsinkable hope.

Changes the atmosphere around me and I can find my rhythm and express my faith in a way that paints purpose into my life and I also get the joy that comes because I share that with you. I resonate also with the red colours on his face.. There is pain in HIS face mixed with royal beauty and majesty and I resonate with the suffering HE went through coming to earth to live as a fragile human to help me find and access eternal life on earth even before I die.

This painting so lifts up my spirit because its so meaningful to my life, journey and testimony but its also honest about where I am and I who I am and I hope and pray you can see HIS strength because it is absolutely life changing especially when I have been so fragile and it is radiating in me so strong and beautifully even though people close to me only partly see me and that for the most part I have felt so black and white in this world ..

I don’t want to impress people with my talents that is not my desire at all. I want to show what GOD has done to help me through my difficulties and I know my weakness shows that up better then my strengths ever could.. HE is so real to me and so present. The inspiration behind the painting.. The creative ideas came from HIM. I had nothing I was nowhere even close to creating something like this but HE just makes that much difference and the peace that comes I mean you need no props and it didn’t come from anyone else at all so anyone can have all this as well right where you are and right now as you are. I truly was all those things I wrote. I just desire with all my heart to show what HE does for the fragile soul for the soul that struggles in this world and does not understand what is going on. But who can find hope, purpose and joy just in being who I am, and encourage you to find all these as you are and through who we are created to be… faults and all.

I was struggling but when I remembered it made all the difference..

HE is
I AM
LOVE
PEACE
TRUTH
LIFE

****

“Meg, I give you your faults.”
“My faults!” Meg cried.
“Your faults.”
“But I’m always trying to get rid of my faults!”
“Yes,” Mrs. Which said. “However, I think you’ll find that they’ll come in handy on Camazotz.”

From the movie ‘Wrinkle in Time’

A Great Deal Of Trust

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What amazes me with my art is how it transforms my world completely. I go from a standing position where there is nothing happening and no direction. To ideas and inspiration flying about in my head. Love it. Has literally saved my life!

This art was my adaptation to a piece of art from Womankind Magazine artwork by Aida Novoa and Carlos Egan. It is similar but adapted to my own life and meanings.

Calling it ‘Art of Letting Go’.

Another weekend without kids around and I had time to myself but no energy or motivation. Zilch of anything really. I was watching Dvds of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, drinking coffee and playing with my phone. Hours were just falling away with nothing to show for it.

Finally I decided to look through some magazines with the idea to at least do a collage to get things going and at least find some words or images that I could personally share to express how I was feeling. I tend to shut down if I do not express myself daily. And so when I flicked through the pages of said magazine I found the picture. It resonated with me and I decided to use it as an inspiration for how I am feeling and it just became so much more.

Because immediately as I started drawing and thought about it whilst drawing.. I perked up. I made the figure in it to represent myself. It is amazing how ideas started flowing. I do not know what the artist intended with their piece but it to me it symbolizes my creative and spiritual life.

I have for awhile used the color pink to represent my creative life. The paint mingled with the black ink from the pen I outlined with and smudged it. So much meaning even in that. The stripes show how my heart has been caged and that I have not been free to be who I am. So the pink colors look darker. I am facing away with my face hidden because I have felt very invisible though I do also acknowledge that this has made me stand out which isn’t completely a bad thing. The wind has caused my hair to cover my face. Small and seemingly insignificant. Hands behind my back because I have felt alone and judged. But I do note I am in the picture at least. 🙂

I wanted to make the sky an aqua color as it represents my spirit which is vast, free and always expanding when it is the driving force in my life and I consider my best life to be the one lived through my spirit so the flesh life difficulties I do face in this realm are useful because without my trials I would not have found this other life. Otherwise my life is barren and lack lustre and I feel alone and uninspired so I used colors to represent that.

The birds/spirits flying and busy are Gods Spirit and angels at work in my life and they are large, active, pure and beautiful and give me buoyancy and purpose so that is what I need to concentrate on and it is what my art and creative expression are most wonderfully useful for. I didn’t concentrate on form because it is mostly by faith they are active in my life so even though I do not see their face or shape I am very aware of their presence. I think also that I become like that too.. In my invisibility I can do more and be more.

At the time I was thinking about the Spiritual atmosphere in my life which is where my majority of focus has to be if I am to live large and free in this life I’m given to live. Gods Spirit appeared to cheer my heart as I worked on my painting and reminded me of these scriptures about the way the Spirit works.

John 3:8
The wind blows wherever it wants. Just as you can hear the wind but can’t tell where it comes from or where it is going, so you can’t explain how people are born of the Spirit.”

John 6:63

The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you — they are full of the Spirit and life.

John 14:26
The Holy Ghost shall teach you all things,

I mean that last one is EXACTLY what was happening in this creative exercise. And it doesn’t happen quite the same anywhere else..

My life does baffle me in the flesh lol because the majority do not live like I do and it is quite the thing to live off the grid. It appears to be about fitting in with everyone else and if you go by how it appears I am very different. If I think too much on that I stop and things seem drab and I lose my flow and get quite despondent. I give myself over to fear. The fear that there is nothing meaningful to my contributions to life.

It is very satisfying seeing this art because it is different to what I usually do. It has intense meaning in what it represents rather than attention to detail because even though I want to add words or journaling on the painting it is enough as is.. And it is sending a message even as it is – stand alone and that is what I have to trust God with.

I am not used to doing art that speaks without word ha ha I say that as I write many words in this blog post but I think to further understand the impact my art has on me it is worth sharing what is propelling me as I create it. There is a fear in me that my art won’t be seen and understood but that is again where I need to trust God.. That for all my smallness of my flesh life and most people I know only see that solitary woman and wonder that I haven’t lost the plot altogether. The Spirit of God does what HE wishes with my gifts and talents & therefore even with my life and because it so empowers me I am always encouraged to share it.

Indeed I think what if I completely gave myself over to my spiritual life and what would happen if I did?? What would I create then? What messages would the Holy Spirit have to speak to me and ultimately through me. It does make me think.

Vulnerability

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Day 8# Create a piece of art outdoors limiting yourself to just 15 minutes.

What did you enjoy most/least about today’s challenge? 

I could write a book on this one lol and that is because I feel so many things and am often alone with it. Feeling a lot right now but that’s normal for me so I am so glad I am able to do this right now. Honestly my art might be simple but it has mega layers of meaning to me.

I went to check out others art first and what others had done with this prompt lol which probably isn’t very wise. In the Thriving artists group I am in where others are joined together and I am doing this art challenge with there are a lot of very highly talented people.. 😮

My immediate thoughts were mine is not going to be THAT good. Lol and honestly speaking without being afraid to say it. It is what it is. It’s just simple water color probably the same as a child would do and yeah I have been doing art for awhile.

BUT this is what I love about just doing art. Simple can reveal so much and THAT is what I enjoy what it all means to me. Everything has deeper meaning.. it’s being able look beyond the immediate and more deeply see it..

This is drawn in our backyard directly outside my bedroom. It is winter here and quite windy outside. It was cold even for the 15 minutes it took and the wind was blowing straight across my paper and making the paper dance and the daffodils in the garden dance which I do so love.

Beforehand I was doing my sitting thing. It’s been a habit of mine. To sit.. sit.. sit..

But I saw an image on Instagram which I will share by Sark which made me almost immediately want to get up and go do this prompt!!!

It motivated me.

I just did it.

And I chose to paint outside my bedroom because that is where I spend a lot of my time. This is really weird too but just before I went outside to paint my bestie made this comment… “kinda still in ur comfort zone”. Woah!!!

So that made me want to do it even more.

But my determination was driven even further because my friend knows me better then most everyone else.. because he texts via messenger with me every day.. I just felt no no no he couldn’t be more wrong. More to it then meets his eye..

Timely that he’d say that though about my comfort zone when it was going to be my soul focus.. except the difference being that was I on the outside looking in.. My art was just taking a different perspective of it lol.. I hope just like me you can see there is much more to “this moment” ” this sharing”.. “this timing”… Cause all this stuff totally flabbergasts me..

That blue screen is a sun blind. I am thankful for it. It gives me privacy. Otherwise my parents whom I house share with and who do frequent the yard would look straight in at me. Sometimes my mother is gardening right outside my window!!
I house share so I value my privacy all the more. We share the kitchen.. our lounge is in the same room. So even my lounge is not private. So my room is where I go and spend a lot of time. I am more a loner.. can be happy doing my own thing. A lot of my art, writing, art expression is done from my room. My comfort zone I guess you could say. So sitting outside of it today in the cold sorta had some huge meaning. I wasn’t thinking about my room at all as I did my water color.

I was thinking just on the 15 minutes and getting color down and as much as I could paint of it in such a short time. I would prefer to go in and define it with like a black pen. To make it look better. But I have not done that. I did the time allotted and this is the result.

I can see through the blind to the outside from my room but you cannot see back through it from the outside. It is supposed to be for summer to protect from the heat but it is a privacy thing for me as I want my inside blind open and to see out but nobody else to see in. Kindly and thankfully my parents are happy to leave it down for me. I rent the back house from them. Two children and I live here sharing kitchen and laundry and as I pay normal rent my parents let me park my car in the garage.

The reason I entitled this ‘Vulnerability’ is that its just a very simple and not particularly great capture. Rough with a few colors. The blind takes up most of the page actually. So it is funny that something that I did and am sharing publicly is a majority of a blind/covering to a place I retreat too that I guess is what my friend sees. That I stay in and he is right in this fact a huge amount of time in that comfort zone.

So why do I disagree with him?? And why did I say he couldn’t be more wrong?

Because I feel vulnerable sharing something amongst a group of very talented people that is just so very basic and in Christian circles there are obvious gifts and talents and even out in the world from a very small age you can see people who have are gifted and I am not one of those people and I am ok with it. It is only really in the last 6 months people have commented on my art sharing and I will agree with them I am improving in ways. I have been openly and publicly sharing for a long time though. I know art is subjective and obviously good art who can not be moved by it. My vulnerability to keep sharing despite how I am is my strongest point I feel. I am not good at most anything really, definitely stay to myself and that is not wrong to say or putting myself down. I do not put my heart into much these days. But in these I do even if it’s simple and it doesn’t stand out and that is what I see is being vulnerable but also that I do it regardless of results. I saw other artists in the challenge say that they took a little more time and tweaking of this challenge so I feel brave that I did not add to it or take extra time. I was rough I know but I wanted to do it and do it as I am without fear and without judging it or changing it or tweaking it and without fear of sharing it.

Speaking about sharing a house with my parents at 48 is vulnerable. Speaking about staying in my room alot.. Is vulnerable. Putting out art that is child like as an adult when I do a lot of art already is vulnerable because it isn’t easy to show raw and rough. I think very much I am putting myself out of where it is not comfortable. This is what I did in 15 minutes.. Full stop..

Another reason I see it as vulnerable is that for me art is about sharing with the wider world cause I need connection. I am built to share and as a deaf loner.. people are not around me much (staying in my room doesn’t help that lol) and even as a loner I need people and look I know majority of people cannot fit to my needs and I cannot expect people to fit to mine but I still need people. So it is vulnerable to be out in the world with my simple water color art challenge and my need to write as much as I do on a blog hardly anyone reads and yes it is vulnerable to do this knowing what the stats usually say. Does it all have to mean something to someone else to mean something to me. NO otherwise I would have stopped and given up a long time ago.. it’s just lovely and incredibly meaningful when I can share it and it does mean something to even one other person. And sorry friend but THIS to me IS very much me being out of my comfort zone but you are right in that I use my comfort zone and that is where I am majority of the time.

I guess for me it is where GOD has been most beautifully with me despite me. I mean I can very easily have a lot of time to know my own self and I know where my own borders fall.. even despite the losing touch with much of the outside world. In my comfort zone I can that much MORE understand GODs presence in this place. Cause peace comes.. Joy comes. A sense of being held comes. Finding satisfaction with my art expression even in simplicity.. And yet I am on my own.. I do not sense this with people and yet I have longed for intimacy with people.. As I sat outside in the cold trying to convey and pretty poorly the outside of my room in a very short time. It kind of echoes why I am not moved to be anywhere else. Because GOD is everything and enough and I sense HIM right where I am and it can make me happy without results even and without anyone else needed.. And I let that take me wherever it will be it on this blog, via social media, on chat, on a blank page and/or through mixed media etc.

Talking about it right now and sharing my art is most definitely NOT my heart staying in my comfort zone even if my physical self retreats here!!!! My heart roams all over the world via internet lol ❤ ❤

What did the LORD show you through today’s challenge?

Miracles can still happen in comfort zones and to child like souls even if its only for me but I LOVE that I can share what I feel and experience and anyone could read it. Inspiration will always come when I am unafraid and do it anyway no matter the results. Art expression always blesses me. When I do it even simple. When I am weak. When I am vulnerable I know GOD is in this with me and I share it and keep sharing it and even if I do not see results or experience more than the personal joy of sharing.. GODs glory will be seen simply because HE is involved. And in two instances through every day occurrences even in my comfort zone I have seen HIM clearly.. Even when I am doing things that don’t make sense to other people.. HE is saying YES to the middle age, 48 year old deaf single mother still sharing a house with her parents, doesn’t come out of her bedroom much. That HE speaks with me and to me in ways right were I am and as I am… I am given strength to keep going. I can fearlessly be me so HE is seen because in my weakness HE is more clearly seen as my strength. HE is my help and I love that HE does all this in midst clutter, imperfection, where I enjoy it.. my heart can do things in my own way and personal style.. even when I am buying more art supplies that I could ever use.. It is more a matter of faith and trust to rely on HIM for the why, wherefores’ and meanings when you know it is out there in the world despite my weaknesses, faults and lacks..

30 day Art Challenge

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Day #6 (randomly sharing here)

Create a piece of art using collage that reflects your ideal life as revealed by the Holy Spirit.

So easy these days in the Spirit which for me is in the creative realm.

It comes and I know it’s meaning straight away .. it may seem simple.. but it is such a powerful message if you can see it with spiritual eyes.. The eyes of your heart being enlightened..

But as my Collage shows.. Support is critical.. I smiled with the word mass tacked on to critical.. the meaning of those two words together says it all..

I truly believe with support I can best/better fit the role I’m meant to fill in in this life.. And it will be for more then just me.. I believe even now when I’m so often a loner it’s a word for the masses.. But the isolation hasn’t stopped me. I keep sharing.. keep speaking.. keep the faith..

My daughter gave me the Frankie magazine that all these elements on this page came from in this collage. The first time I saw the orchestra circle I knew it was a message for now.. first element I chose today..

Then the Secret Message Society magazine that I subscribe too all the way from USA came yesterday.. with the little keep card that says..

I tighten my circle..

Ohh how it all fits.. and it appears it’s what’s been happening to me too. A sign when I’m perplexed by who isn’t close and about that physical gulf around me..

I will photograph it and create a copy of the card to add to the collage later to keep it for display.. but it fits so well so for now it sits on the page so I can share it with you..

A poem I wrote this morning when I woke up and couldn’t sleep..

Like a great big gulf.

Where I am.

From where others are.

Like a lake at night.

Look across and see tiny lights on the other side..

That’s how I feel. Those lights are people to me.

So distant..

I talk to God HE is with me.

HE is with those across the lake.

HE is over the lake.. HE is in the gulf.

I am not sad. I am not anxious.

I am aware I am held in this place.

30 days Art Challenge..

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I start things and don’t finish but oh well.. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to do this.. Today I did my first piece and see how I go.. it’s based on the question below.. with Matt Tommy..

Create a piece of art reflecting your interpretation of God’s love for you!

No energy day.. no motivation day.. this began with an already painted background in my altered diary from 2015.. I found a blank spiral bound book (diary) good sized & solid enough pages second hand repurposed it as an art journal.

Started with scribbles no preconceived ideas.. used oil pastels & used colours that stood out at this moment.. Worked with them and saw a vision appearing.. i have had a very basic prayer time today.. small faith thing.. long life of not seeing.. not experiencing.. blind faith.. stubborn faith.. being led in desert like situations..

Turned into what looked like DNA strands.. I’m actually encouraged that there’s blues and pinks signifying to me.. male and female as one.. meaningful for a long standing prayer I have and also answers deep issues our world has about genders..

Also signifies the beautiful life God has opened up not outside but inside me.. I need to return to Spirit for everything to make sense.. come back to order..

When my outside world doesn’t do it for me.. can’t find inspiration any place.. I’m reminded of the inner world.. HIS kingdom is within.. When I’ve got what feels like nothing.. GOD simply is saying.. it’s ok.. all is well..

I’m reminded of resting in HIM with me.. sit with it.. Trust HIM right where I am as I am.. Peace settles.. simplicity.. beauty.. even just existing.. HIS presence is love.. with me.. A grand design already perfect but I need to refocus my inner woman vision to not be focused where it is currently.

HIS love is HIM.. always with me.. always beautiful.. always present.. always wowing me in countless ways when my mind is on HIM and embarrassingly rather easy to find right here with me when I stop worrying.. stop feeling depressed.. stop trying to work it out.. and just look to HIS Kingdom within me.. Get back to the core of it all already in me!!

Beautiful Soul Spilling Freedom

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It is like coming full cycle. When you create a piece of art and literally see it healing you as you create it.
Right place. Right time. Neither looking up or down. Neither being afraid of emotions or controlled by them or shut down because you cannot express them or nobody sees them. They are running unchecked, oh so free and it is the most beautiful thing in my world up till this moment.

Those tears do not symbolize sadness oh no but I have cried rivers so they are my truth. Part of my story.

They represent the healing art expression is to me. Art has given me my voice back. My power back. I have come to a place where I can be fully myself and it is a huge contentment plus.

I am not in need of anything or anyone. I love that for a deaf person I am mostly expressing the eyes and face atm and in this art piece the head/face is where it is at. Which speaks of intimacy and eyes represent windows to my soul which when expressing my emotions has kept me alive.. Art expression is powerful when I am feeling invisible, rejected, shame, powerless and I am alone & unsupported hurting more than anyone could ever know.

Which strangles the life in me when it is all shut up inside and I cannot communicate. I notice though I am not having to look straight ahead for anyone’s validation here. I am looking to what I have within me and expressing that right where I am as I am. I see incredible strength in my art today. I see bravery and I’m proud of myself that because I trusted in Gods Spirit & His Kingdom within.. I never gave up and I found a way through the madness.

I am looking to my art brush, to Holy Spirit.. to do what humanly has been impossible for me to do in my own power.

I have so enjoyed this 61 days of creating an index card daily.
Link here to what this challenge is all about. HERE..

I am on day 38 I think. I maybe a little behind the rest. But you know I took my time with this. If you only knew me personally you would know I am not a ‘take my time person’ with anything. And I mean that with sincerity. Not because I am a lay-back relaxed soul. But I do things as easily and quickly as I can. Can’t be bothered cooking or taking the time to prepare meals. The easier the better. I do not spend countless hours house cleaning or applying make up, maintaining my nails and doing my hair eek.. That is quite something for a woman to say these things.

But this art today. I took my time and it felt really good. Using my art supplies is good. It is just good all round. Because I was not being distracted but putting my heart and soul into it. I just do not always care for things as I could they have felt meaningless. A long time ago when I was struggling harder with life. I just dropped so many things to survive and which sucked energy that I needed to concentrate to staying head above water.

As time went on. I didn’t really get my heart back to much of what I dropped.. Some here and there. It is why I faded from so many radars.

So it pleases me that I can see my heart beating with meaning again. I have not blogged in ages either. But today I wanted to say more about ALL that is going on in myself which for the most part stays with me and ohh yes one online friend lol who gets a lot of it shared with them.

Art expression truly has helped me release the need to explain myself. And I have just kept up practicing drawing and painting and improving myself. I had no direction for so long oh dear. So very very long. So to see myself creating daily is cleansing to my soul and immensely purposeful.

I concentrate on what is within me to come out through my art rather than long lengthy explanations which I cannot be bothered with anyway. I mean the people around me have dwindled away in droves so I have had lots of time to hone my skills lol not that I always do. But God opened up a way for me to bring the inward out. I have mostly been alone in it. But you have to be don’t you. I can’t really concentrate on hearing as I am creating being deaf. I cannot listen to music even or have the tv on. Because I cannot catch enough of the programe by snippets of here and there. This is something hearing people take for granted. You can turn your head away and still hear. I have to be literally concentrating 100% and reading text or subtitles or your lips and I still miss so much. So its nice to just not have to try for hours while I create. Actually I lose all senses to the outside world. I think only about what I am creating.. so much peace in this..
So instead I hone in on what I am creating.. Full attention you know. These little index cards are simple and there is no end to what you could create with them. I enjoy following the tags on Instagram to see others interpretations of daily prompts. Day 38’s was palette.

I have challenged myself with the prompts but also I just so love that my spirit can so easily these days just hear a prompt and off my mind goes to bring forth different ideas in all directions. I have had more people noticing my art in this challenge then ever before. I can see the value of daily art and also what concentrated effort and joy brings forth. Immense joy to do these. Obviously the ones I pour more time into I find the most joy from.

People stopping to notice on social media and family members saying things to me when they see me. Wow!!!

I just want my art to be my heart blazing outwardly and being seen and my peace and faith and joy to be evident.. Yes even when the emotions are falling thick and fast I am not afraid anymore.. For so long I have lived a very tiny part of what’s inside of me on the outside but now the dam has broken and I am releasing what I think is my most soulful art to date.

Thank YOU Thank YOU LORD for art expression and how motivated I am in art these days I know I have had oh dear maybe years of sitting and shutting down and instead of flow reduced to dripping tap which mostly only annoys people.

I am also going to add a poem I woke up in middle of the night a few days ago to write. But I have had to change the ending today. Because putting my heart out into the world is not all that I need. I need connection too.. Connection has been my word of 2018. There is nothing like feedback, support, a word or more from people around you to give your artist heart even stronger wings then ever before. It can only get better from here…

Connection.

I write.

I create.

I live.

I feel.

To cope.

To exist.

To enjoy.

To rise. .

To be present.

To be seen.

To be heard.

To show my heart.

To bridge the gap.

Between you and me.

So instead of nothing.

There is something.

What I need.

What helps.

What comforts.

Is to know.

I am out in the world.

I am available.

It is enough.

But also it isn’t.

Not when I’m alone.

I look for you.

I wait for you.

I miss you.

I don’t want to be alone.

I need you.

I want to acknowledge your heart.

But I can’t communicate with you.

Will you meet me?

Where I can understand you too.

Please!!!!

See my art.

It is where our hearts can meet as one.

Bridge the gap.

Connection… 

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Psalm 126:5

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!

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What does my inner child need to know.

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“Loneliness does not come from having no people around, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.” Carl Jung

Something a face book friend Avalon Indigo Moonsong posted yesterday on her face book got me headed in the direction of attending my inner child.

She posted… “Many of us are traumatized children who still desperately want to be seen and heard — forcefully living in the bodies of adulthood.” by Feliciana Cacciapuoti-Mathew .. along with more thoughts which I also very much liked!

I have already shared here on my blog previously two parts of a series I’ve taken part in called “Into the Shadow” by Tracy Algar so the post from Avalon really reminded me of part three which I had still yet to do and it just seemed so right to think about it. Part 3 called ‘Inner child’ fits exactly. So I did an art piece (see below) based on what my inner child needs to know. Link to part 3 which will open another page to the site. Here.

The main image in my art is traced from a photo on the Internet via an ipad ap “Art Rage”. I was looking for a photo of an adult looking into a child’s face/eyes at the child’s eye level showing a real intimate connection between the two. This image seemed just right and resonated with me. I just traced it on my ipad and then printed my drawing. Colored it in with oil pastels using normal computer paper and then used ink spray and a dauber with black ink along with some acrylic paint through stencils for the background.

I want this art to express my thoughts on why the quotes and also on what Tracy has shared on her website resonate with me.  Plus also what it represents to me currently in my life.

I wanted the image to show my inner child face to face with anyone who values me and my need to feel and express my emotions and share my truth and passions as I am.  I have often craved strong encouragement to keep going in my life simply because I feel so vulnerable and weird to keep sharing and expressing myself as I do and I have felt so alone in this journey because few around me have been the same or recognized this heart cry in me.  So I have always tended to stick to myself and go inwardly instead ( except when I am sharing) and I’ve created worlds where I could be as fully me as possible. Many times I’m alone in even these worlds. Or I just shut down in a way and I guess my inner child feels neglected and why bother.

I have not always felt understood, accepted or valued as I am either in childhood or adulthood and I have often felt extreme loneliness.. Explained well by the very first quote I shared here in this post. I found that quote at the beginning of part three of “Into the Shadow”.

I am reminded at this point of the scripture “Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands.” 2 Timothy 1:6 I know that might seem like a weird verse to think of at this time. But the stirring up by another’s hands seems similar to what my inner child needs..

And that is that this endless tiredness of soul because I am putting my heart out in the world unseen which leads me to always be searching and desiring and longing for attention and nurturing and when I seem not to be its hard to keep doing it the same

I see that this need to be valued does actually have a reason behind it. That I am actually much less a person because of this lonely struggle and of course I am not going to feel oh goody lets go do it some more…

To be reminded that although I am a unique person in doing this I am not weird or need feel so awkward..  I can feel brave and precious and that it is OK to be supported to bring forth my fullness of inner being as well as blossom in my adult outer being too.

I need encouragement. We all do. But we each also need to know that we are loved and important as we are and how we are.

Therefore I see that when I struggle to be affirmed by another person it’s not cause I am weak or selfish or it’s a bad thing to be different to others and even the bible agrees that I need it.. We all do.. 🙂 ❤

Therefore I must not lose heart but awaken to the fact that I can be the one to stir it up in myself and recognize the importance of what I do and why I do it.  I can focus on what brings me alive and stir up my art expression to empower my inner child.. My creative spirit.

Confession. It has taken hours and hours to write this and as I am writing my whole thought pattern and flow has changed. I am seeing myself more clearly through my whole life and how I have been and why. I usually work at putting my blog out on the same day. But this time I told myself it is ok to go to bed and sleep on it. That this was an important exercise. That it is OK to be a work in progress and take my time with it. I was being helped even as I left it to work on it more today. Less of a desperation to get it out of the inside of me. 

So I am seeing through this exercise that this adult figure in my art expression is a representation of any person who will meet me where I need to be met.. Anyone who is moved to meet me on a level where I am at. Even if that is via my adult self encouraging what is needed for my inner child to thrive. I do not need to wait for others!

That there is a life changing epiphany.

Soul expression is never selfish but vital to my daily life and daily life force so I should nuture it and treasure it at all costs.

My Inner child therefore seems to represent my creative Spirit and that’s why it is so crucial to my whole being to pay attention to my inner child. Maybe my inner child has always needed art expression and that’s why I have become such a loner because I did not realize what I so desperately needed.

My inner child needs to know it is OK to be myself. That is OK to live expressively and share it. That through sharing my emotions I feel accepted on the level where I currently am. Eye to eye or face to face is so vitally important to a deaf person too who has lost the ability to use one of their five major senses but it does not have to be through only speaking and listening and it does not need to be physical. I can be met in a way whenever I and another person touch souls through my art or words or in a working and understanding relationship. For me especially through online friends have I found this to be a vital link to not feeling alone.

How important it is to be able to communicate where I feel heard and seen. That I am worthy of someone adjusting themselves to my height or mindset or wavelength by reading or viewing or acknowledging me where I am at..

How often have I been depressed because I cannot communicate with others like they can at the same level they are and even feel expected to function as they do. I do not have to try to communicate like you. It is OK to communicate in my own way that works for me.

Yes I do communicate differently and I do so love deep heart sharing. I am built to express myself for I am an emotional soul but I prefer one on one or even prefer on-line where I communicate easily as it is much more personal to me.

Connection happens for me whenever someone pays attention to what I say on social media, sends texts because I cannot use a normal phone or just cares for me in a way where I am free to do the same back. My inner child needs to know that others share my world and want too just as I share their world and want too. That my heart/art expression is valued. Not that it has to be praised for being good.. no no…  just that I be acknowledged for its how I speak, move and it is my presence and way to live in this world.

If nobody says what I need to hear or communicates in a way that I can understand. I can and should say it to myself. ❤ ❤

It is OK to be me. It is OK to live by my Spirit. It is OK to communicate in ways that I love and that work for me. I am enough as I am. It is OK to love sharing my faith and art via my spirit, express myself through art and my own words on my blog and via social media or any way that I do. It is OK to enjoy the way I want to do it and how I do it.

I am OK.. 🙂

What do I need to feel safe to come back?

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Following on from the last post I made here.

This writing and art piece are my work inspired by “Into the Shadows”  part two I will link to it.

Here.

Going to work at trying to say less here lol. Didn’t work 😆

Inspired by a scripture John 14:23 and the latter half mostly.  We will come to him and make our abode in him.. Obviously referring to me as ‘her’ not him.. I am a believer in God. But I kind of ditched everything I once knew to focus mainly on the SPIRIT because of all the difficulties I have gone through with life and also losing my ability to hear like everyone else.

Holy SPIRIT is my counsellor. Heart thing. From where I live from. Kingdom of heaven within reality. To get more of a sense of what I mean you’d probably have to go back and read more of my writing.

For me in this art piece. Having focused on my Shadow Self as I read what was asked of those following.

I immediately (without having even putting oil pastel to paper) knew this expression is what I wanted to express! I love, love, love the oil pastel kind of represents the HOLY SPIRIT too. In the bible there are many references to SPIRIT as oil!! That thought just came to me as I was writing and it is not why I have purposely chosen oil pastels.. When you are led by your Spirit it is absolutely incredible how all things work together and you just flow and know.

Here are my thoughts.

Naked flesh. I want to be vulnerable and transparent. Dark and grey background. Difficulties I face in the world. Many grey areas in our world even the religious world. Things are not crystal clear. The fact being we have so many fractions of religion and belief systems and non belief systems. Issues can divide human kind so easily and they do. How many bible interpretations are there and different beliefs about it.

Neck. Communication. My story/voice has struggled to be brought forth and therefore be acknowledged.

Hard.. so hard to communicate and I am not like everyone else. I even struggle to be the same as the majority of deaf.

Blue sadness. Struggles. Frustrations. Broken relationships that cut me off from being myself and its hard to do relationships because of what I have lived through. Feeling of being strangled. Choked. Alone. Isolated. The way I have been treated by people who should know me and stick up for me who have turned away and made me feel like my life force isn’t valuable. I find it hard to breathe life and be all that I am and can be. The mistreatment is like hands to my neck strangling the life out of me.

Black crosses criss-cross my throat to express all this but I think looking at the rest of my art this is not dominating my life and I do not need or wish to focus on this part of my life rather just acknowledge it.

Heart surrounded by my emotions. My need to express myself is huge.. Shows how central and important my heart/emotions etc are to my life force. I do not focus outwardly much at all these days. That shows clearly here.

Broken heart still evident though isn’t it wonderful to know and realise GODs SPIRIT still meets us in broken imperfect human hearts!! And so beautifully desires to make a ‘Home’ in us.. within us.. WOW!!

What I need to come fully or more fully into the light is…

To keep my focus on what is occurring within.  That sweetest of meeting places where HIS strength combines with my humanness therefore changing everything!!

For out of the heart flows the issues of life.

Royal purple flow at the bottom which I still feel is so much smaller than it could be but thankfully it is coming.. is flowing..

But I notice that again isn’t the greatest of importance to me.. Isn’t what I need mostly or as it seems is my real true focus.

Right here I can take a load off.. sigh and take heart. For I recognise in myself immense growth. Because I am not wanting to be ‘famous or perfect’ in my art expression or even wait till I’m perfect.. Not just doing it for others either which is surprising.. Rather my art expression is the vehicle to seeing what IS my truest reality and then I share it.

I think recognising the importance of daily art expression and indeed realising it is a great gift to me from GOD. I can glory in being fully myself and realising that all the while inside my heart that although it has been broken by life is ever present and healing is occurring.

There is a HUGE powerful force at work within me. THIS is where I need to focus on to fully come back!!!! If only in my outer life like in my art piece I can see it as HUGE as this. That little flow might just start to flood and saturate the wider world around me!!!

This is my art piece in a large nut shell lol. I am learning even as I write this and contemplate my art.

It is truly amazing though that my art expression is not showing me what still has to happen. It is not showing me things I still need to do.

IT IS showing me what is HAPPENING ALREADY

I just have to be aware. ❤️🌷🕊