Category Archives: Soul Expression

However that comes…

I especially want to voyage to..

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project that’s taken months lol but not giving up.

Day 29
ADVICE

Prompt — I especially want to voyage to..

Some people travel the world I may never get to do that. But every day I have access to me. So many things in my life including people have tried to shut me down. The person who I am. My prerogative is to live out loud and at the very least enjoy my life and let that joy be released somewhere. All the better if it helps someone else!!

Lately so many photos on my face book news-feed have been of friends I know traveling the world sharing their adventures. It is lovely and how easy it is these days to share what one is doing even on the other side of the world. I get to see places I could never afford to see but alas it does remind me of how closeted I am. How boring and poor I am lol travel wise. 🙂

I enjoy seeing the world though but it can make the four walls around me seem to be closing in mighty tight especially when you think outwardly too much about it and wish yourself away but you cannot go there in person.

When I was thinking about this prompt I mean obviously there are many places in the world I would love to see. I grew up learning about the bible and the stories in it and I actually would love to travel to the Holy land and see those places for real.. I am best friends with a Canadian on line so obviously as I have talked to him all about his life and where he lives I have grown an interest in his part of the world that would be fascinating to see in person especially cause it would mean meeting him too.

But honestly thinking too much about what I cannot do is quite self defeating.

So my mind was whirring as I contemplated this prompt and suddenly a song popped into my head. The song with lyrics “I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me..” Vivian Chow is the artist and Ron Miller the composer.
I have not been all over the world in fact I have never traveled out of Australia except to Tasmania lol which is an island state but daily I can visit and trip to ‘me’ and lack of money cannot bar me from this journey.. The imagination alone of one human being can change a world. Look at artists and authors whose imagination has brought much joy through the ages!! Dr Suess, Ronald Dahl, J. K Rowling, J. R. R. Tolkien, Frida Kahlo, Vincent Van Gogh, Claude Monet.. Andy Warhol.. to name a few.. So I shouldn’t be so afraid of being in my own little world.

You can never be bored if you open up your mind, use what you have at hand and introverts can really be at home with themselves and enjoy their own life much more than extroverts could.. If you can be happy on your own and find your own amusement right where you are it makes the hard times extremely bearable and you can still have a full life. Paint your world red or blue or green or multi-colored and change it every day if that’s what you wish.

Obviously art journaling, prompts, blogging etc all these are ways to explore myself and my faith and life. If I can keep doing it daily it truly helps me stay positive, happy and stops me shutting down. Cause we all know life can be hard and a daily slog and when not much changes around you, not much money etc you can pine away and lose hope.. Creativity keeps the inner world alive and kicking and imagination can take you places that are fun, challenging, deep or shallow and do not depend of others being there or not.

That song I quoted before many of the lyrics resonated with me so I added them to my art journal page.

It’s interesting as I look at the pages which I did a while ago now. That although the black figure which represents me seems boring it is surrounded by very bright colors!!!  I can see in my art I am depicting that I am not found where naturally one would think I should be.. I live on in my art and I don’t know whether other people do see that or not. I do not get a lot of responses and although I am not really very social at all I think my art is me being extremely social!!!

My art continues to go out into the world so people can find me if they really want too and I hope get to know me better this way.
The key word for this days journey is Advice and mine is ‘Live out Loud’ which just seems so appropriate and what my life has been all about as I am said to be a quiet, introverted person yet bright yellow in the background really does scream something quite different doesn’t it.

Deaf people are often muted in the world simply because we cannot communicate in the normal way so we can be easily forgotten and left out.

One important way to live fully functioning for a deaf person is through expressive sign language which I don’t think anyone can help noticing!! It’s very visual and many hearing people nowadays enjoy learning it.. A whole new path to communicate.

Art has been my path and it so beautiful and I am very thankful to God for it. Loud is  expressed in the colors that I use. Loud is speaking my truth and sharing my spirit/heart publicly often even when it appears no one is listening.

Sharing my blog which is my thoughts etc into the world via social media IS being loud. It all says something about who I am and what my message is to the world and sometimes I am amazed just what I am expressing and how easy it is to do when in the natural I feel quite tightly bound and muted. I cannot physically put myself out into the world like I wish I could but here oh wow I am as free as a bird. So where I am missing in this world.. you can still find me.. right here is where I am and what I share is what I feel and think and see. So where I cannot travel in a physical sense with words or in person or to different places because I do not have the money or availability to do so. I can travel through myself via the creative expressions I use.

This lyric from the above mentioned song say it perfectly.

Because I had to be free.

Authenticity

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I wrote a poem about how I need people to be honest and open with me.. how for the most part people are not.. but it’s not impossible..

 If we can’t be our full selves with someone how on earth can people relate? I think that’s the answer to building trust with a person and a close intimate relationship it’s why our relationship with the Lord becomes so beautiful and personal and why we run to Him.. all we can do is be authentically ourselves and I really do think it will bring close those who really want to know us where they too can be themselves.. I think also we heal from hurts in any place where a person is fully able to be themselves.. It takes time though to feel safe enough to do this.. or it is an extreme act of bravery.

This journey of life seems to be about each person coming to this knowledge.. I really do think that would be heaven on earth.. where what seems a desert experience, hard place will be a place to bloom and where authenticity will bring connection to us all.. 

it’s like this “authenticity” message is where it’s at for me right now.. 

After writing this almost immediately this was shown on “The Voice” in Australia.. ❤️️

Falling Upward

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“What passes for morality or spirituality in the vast majority of people’s lives is the way everybody they grew up with thinks…
Without very real inner work, most folks never move beyond it.”

“Falling Upward” Richard Rohr

For me personally moving in a different direction to a majority I grew up with has been an incredible and life changing learning experience.. no safety net here.. I didn’t realise how conditioned I was.. it’s scary, confronting, learning to trust God alone often without props, learning true spirituality.. everything is tested that you once knew.. found peace & joy I never knew within the walls of institutional church.. I get to know the real spirit of people and I basically can connect on far deeper levels.. really is a living by Spirit & truth.. I can see God working much much more clearly.. I have new vision, different vision.. I know HIM very closely because I’ve learnt to see him in the darkest night where nobody else was.. ❤️️🕊
It’s definitely not for the faint hearted.. you will unlearn everything, you will be rejected by almost everyone.. but this is where you learn God WILL NEVER EVER leave you.. you learn that you are HIS beloved..

 

Belonging

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Journey : 30 Day Journal Project

Day 24

BELONGING

“It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Prompt — I  feel I belong..

Oh my this is a good one. I decided to choose the more positive prompt. 🙂
Belonging is so very important. It’s a life force which flows from one to the other probably when you are a people person you can take it for granted. But when you fall through the cracks of life you can yearn for it and realize it’s value and see its goodness and purpose much better because it is something you do not feel you have.
I think of it like electricity poles without wires. The interactions we make with each other fire us up every day. It is why when a stranger smiles at you it makes you feel really good inside.

I am energized by creative people. Whether I am in their company or not. Their art or expressions just seem to have a life of its own or a part of the person’s spirit resides in their creativity and transmits to the one who admires it. I feel I belong in such company. It is hard to explain. But although creative people appear to be different sorts of people. They are warm and welcoming in ways that are beyond the physical. You feel drawn to them but also strangely connected. In their midst you are much happier. You do belong and I guess maybe you feel like you know them better then you actually do. Old souls or something.

I don’t need them to be constantly in my life because they kinda already are. They have affected a part of me inside. Inspired me and their art keeps me going, gives me hope, draws out of me what I cannot get out of myself on my own. They seem to accept you as you are and you them.

There can be similarities to our journeys even though we may be on completely different sides of the earth, believe totally different things and even have different centuries of birth. That one I touched on last blog post.

I know people feed off each other. I cannot speak from an extroverts position. I am a loner. But it doesn’t mean I don’t wish to belong I really really do. I just flow differently that’s all. I still need to meet and mingle with fish in my stream. I guess it makes me daily search to find it.  I do it all of course from the internet. Ha. My bedroom. Spirit is found on-line and I love that our modern world has this option. It is strange though. Years ago you would be completely isolated if there were no people around you and even mailing hand written letters would take months to arrive. We do take the written word so much for granted these days. We get annoyed if our texts are not answered straight away!!!

I never know where my writing is going to flow when I do it. 

Being a single woman who is a romantic at heart flying solo I loathe it but yes I do have lots of time to do art and nobody is going to care if art supplies are flung across my bed.
So I am going to base my art journal page along with this writing on my hearts desire that is to be loved and passionately because that is a belonging I crave. Now I KNOW spiritually GOD loves me more than any human man or woman could ever love me. I do not physically see HIM or feel HIM that way. 

I found a beautiful book at an op shop yesterday (thrift store) about quotes and pics of love.
One quote which touched my heart is “Trust in my affection for you. Tho’ I may not display it exactly in the way you like and expect it, it is not therefore less deep and sincere. ~ Anna Jameson, 1833 “

Now that IS exactly how my wildly romantic heart has to function these days. I have to stubbornly believe it without seeing or physically feeling it. NOW I can feel it if I take these words into my heart and see with spiritual eyes that GOD is speaking and loving me. Faith is a powerful ally. Children hear Santa on the roof. Authors imagine whole other worlds without actually seeing them with their eyes. Imagination is a great gift.

 God has shown me there is great joy in HIS presence. The bible says that too but I have also felt this said joy despite my life and situation. A joy flood over me in my room or wherever I am aware of HIM but not the bible HIM I was taught since childhood only the personal HIM I found on my own.. It is supernatural. I mean it is not of me at that moment. I truly believe as I have trusted GOD. Yet that word GOD is not enough.. Jesus, Yeshua much closer to explaining HIM who is dear to me. I do not know what word actually would come close to explaining how I really feel about HIM. HE is a real presence to me and why I always capitalize the words to honor HIM. I know in text speak it symbolizes shouting. But to me capitalizing his name I am revering the presence and how real and big and beautiful HE is to me.

A realm of understanding where I belong more than ANY place on earth and am affectionately known and beloved MORE than any human on earth. I can literally be pulled by a desire to speak to HIM that is I guess likened to when you wish to stalk a certain person or be close to someone you desire or only just to hear them say your name. Except that it isn’t a figure I can talk to face to face. Hand on my heart. Hands raised. What I call real worship. Because it isn’t forced and it springs from within and its not only on Sunday. It can be anywhere and anyplace. Personal. I mean I can speak as I am. Awkward. Spazzy. Too many words that spill out all at once that not anyone wishes to hear at anytime but HE does. Spontaneous. For the most I’d say private too. Not that I am ashamed. But I get excited and because I am deaf I speak loud and people shush me always. GOD doesn’t seem to mind. 🙂 But I will anywhere and with anyone also in the moment.

What has surprised me most of all. That I was never taught in church. Is just HOW MUCH HE loves me. In church it’s all focus totally on GOD and the rituals and presentation of it is sort of to be as perfect as you can be. Doesn’t bide well for a clumsy, loud and often late to church person.
But I don’t know it seemed to be to the detriment of the value of ones messy soul. Perhaps in recent years when I have not been in the building of a Sunday things are changing. But I had to leave the building to find the whole truth and I am still learning. My life is not what you would call overly religious by the standard I once adhered too. I suppose reading this you would think I was still there lol. But I am in pjs and it’s almost midday as I write. I do not go to a building and haven’t for years. I do not deliberately daily read the bible though I quote from it. Nor have hour long prayer times set aside.

I just live aware of HIM. HE is more like the air I breathe every day. Like the quote says. I live my life trusting in HIM rather then a set of rules and regulations that I adhere too strictly. I can see that many things HE said are helpful and important. And I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water. I live from within rather than from without. Spirit and truth rather than a wider based term of ‘Christianity’..

I belong because of HIM and what HE did and because of who HE is and who that makes me. Yet I am fully me as I am through HIM. True freedom. I found myself totally an utterly transformed when aware of HIS realm. Takes faith yes. Strong focus because we want what we want and sometimes it doesn’t come the way we wish for it in the physical but also our old ways do not work here so to belong we need to think different. It also takes a stubbornness. A stubbornness to not give up but live as if I was in this realm every single moment of every single day. It has taken a strong heart too because you know dropping out of ‘church’ suddenly you are very much on your own. Oh I know I belong despite how people think I am, judge me to be or how many still believe I have fallen away. But you have to live in this world side by side and they so far for the most who live religiously give me the cold shoulder. See me as out of the fold rather than in. That isn’t so easy to imagine away.

Also it is realizing that many are still not aware that spirit is different to flesh living and that is perhaps why they cannot yet see what I see and live as I live but I’m sharing it regularly and not hiding. For quite some time it’s felt I am in a different world to most everyone else..

We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words — to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves. (The Weight Of Glory) C.S. Lewis

Voyage of Persistance

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Day 23/30 Day Journal Project

“Make voyages. Attempt them. There’s nothing else.”

— Tennessee Williams

Prompt : What propels me forward..

I am propelled forward by the content I come across in life and as always it fits. Doesn’t matter when I look for it. What time of day or state of mind I am in. It all fits. This is exactly what keeps me going forward.

Lord have mercy. When there is nothing in the tank but still I can drive ha ha. What is that?? A miracle. IT IS HIS strength in my weakness.. is what it is. No doubt about that. It is an inward journey I am on or voyage. Sailing the sea of the Kingdom of God. My Spirit alive and free. While my body sadly lags. My flesh gave up many moons ago. True that.

Today the magazine cover floors me. It is a magazine I rarely read that comes in the mail because I am in a roadside assist for my car. Magazine comes with the deal. I cut pictures out of it that is about it. But today the cover oh my oh my.
THIS is what propels me forward. That a Lion is a representation of GOD. Look at the title. Woah.. In the KING’S DOMAIN. Couldn’t be anymore accurate!! I have basically failed in the human domain. Mmm and I am not ashamed to say that. But IN HIS domain well it’s a whole different ball game. The Kingdom of God is within. So my introversion serves me well.

My daily voyages are in-wards. Art picture fits. I copied or drew it based on another artists pic. Nothing like the original except the figure is based on it. No worries about copyright lol. I just liked the closed eyes and the hand on her heart. It’s a representation of myself and my inner voyage. The arrows are outward pressures. I have felt them about as strongly as I ever have of late. I don’t always fair well with the voyage. It can be choppy seas and I spend most of it holding the edge of the ship and hanging on for dear life. But when I do cry out to God and look for HIM HE is always with me. Last night he was speaking to me in my dreams. It felt like I was not sleeping much. But today I am no more tired than other days so I don’t know what exactly it was. He seemed to have much to say. Traditional type prayers have kind of let me down. I don’t know it’s very hard to know what to pray for when you don’t see much change in your life. Our oldest daughter has had what looks like a relapse of earlier illness that knocked her around as a teenager. It’s a knife in your heart when a child suffers. You suffer along with them as a parent. You may not feel the pain they do but you feel a different kind of suffering alongside of them. Our daughter has worked so hard to get through university, finally is qualified and doing nicely and illness strikes. It seems so unfair.

The other night I cried out with what felt like virtually no faith at all. I have never been in that place before. I have always had some faith. Small though it may be but never what felt faithless. I was crying and just saying GOD I don’t believe help my unbelief. I guess even when you feel you have none I was aware and still crying to God. But it felt so absolutely empty my faith gauge. Like I didn’t even want to because nothing much happens in that prayer realm but I still need help and my daughter needs help. So Damn it I am here crying because I have nowhere else to turn.

I know HE is there and I do not doubt that. I know HIM very closely because there isn’t really even a person I can talk too about deep things anymore. Not in a way I feel I need too. I am glad HE is there I was just very physically low that night and stretched thin. Strange times. I know others go through it too in their own way. One thing that amazed me as I cried out was what I said.
“LORD I want to see.”
Over and over. Now I am single and a loner and my heart cry wasn’t for a man or friend. Though I did also cry out for someone just one other person who gets me and I can share my heart and this crazy loneliness with. But my main cry was to see!?! Just has felt very dark for quite some time. No breakthroughs. No changes. I have had no energy for much at all. Nothing that I could say has happened that I could put my finger on. This is helping me or that is helping me or this person is close and I can go to them. Has been no one. Not the way I need. I want to see something more for all the darkness. I know I have not been alone in it. I know it all has helped me know peace and joy and spiritual strength like nothing else on earth could bring me. That is there that has not alluded me. It is just this darkness and void that I walk through daily that seems never ending. It is a most unpleasant place.

To see the Lion. To read “In the King’s domain.” To talk here and now about a voyage. To talk about what propels me forward. Is this. That I desperately need to see GOD for HE alone is the only one who knows and can comfort me right now in this place. HE who can make HIS presence known even using a secular magazine. It is incredibly comforting I just suppose I need to avail of HIM more then ever before. It may not mean anything to anyone else but to me it is the “seeing” I need and I have cried out for. I must believe I am indeed in HIS realm. That HE is taking care of me and I can let go of all that outwardly isn’t making sense and seems to be obliterating me from the outside.

Look beyond the difficult to the clear messages and signs GOD is sending my way and putting in my path. Avail it. Breathe it. Live it. Share it. 🙂

At the end of this writing I will show you what I am seeing and have seen in the past. I really truly hope sharing my own personal low and high moments. Anyone else struggling will start seeing GOD in their own lives in whatever way HE shows up and that your spirit sees more clearly than ever before. No I cannot unfortunately save you from the physical world or give you anything in that realm but I can show you that GOD has not abandoned you therefore somehow someway there is something greater happening and inwardly we can be revived and I believe we will walk through it eventually.

++ The art of the Lion I came across over 3 years ago and it so so so encourages me in my life journey and it helps me for where I am and how I am.. you should be able to see it still links in and is extremely relevant.. I paid the artist money to download it, keep and use it.

Direction

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What’s happening now is?

In order to go anywhere I have to do the work daily without human support, without human guidance & without any idea where I’m headed. Spirit the key. Fear has stopped me. Fear that I’m irrelevant. Fear that there is no purpose in it. Meanderings of a fool kind of thing. 

I can’t change so many many things but I can do my art daily. I know things happen in this realm that do not happen in any other.. powerful things.. I sense great workings there. It’s just for some strange reason it’s not affecting anyone else. No one else I know seems aware of it.. drives me balmy lol and means I have little desire to be social much at all.. 

I only get minute inklings that it’s for any other reason than to keep me alive and kicking.. 
My art isn’t sold, sought after or my writing attract attention.. purely seems to be for myself. 
I don’t even have a daily burning inside for certain things.. anything for that matter.. my physical self would just sit and waste time.. stand back from life and watch others live it. 
Spirit on the other hand is hungry for beauty, deeper meaning and connections and seems to thrive on expressing self. 

It is empowered by authentic sharing of any kind. Constantly seeking for encounters with such.. I don’t allow myself to soak in it enough.. 

I need to be mindful. Listen to the Spirit. He does speak often. I’m am greatly aware of Gods presence because humans stay away.. if not for my children I may as well become a type of monk.. 
I suppose when my mind is not focused I’m lost, directionless, a drifter, not productive.. definitely not seeing the signs or reading them.. 
Direction to me right now is anytime I’m concentrating.. aware.. not being brought down to earth by lack of people around me, honing in on Spirit.. not being afraid of weaknesses that rob me.. But allowing my own senses to run a different race.. God with me.. I need to drop guilt.. drop feelings of inadequacy.. drop a sense of lostness.. Allow the Spirit of God to free me from human conventions.. jump the borders of what dwelling on anything that keeps me bound to old paths.. Run with it.. 
Just now I’ve sat in this flow and it comes easy.. 

but it’s 1:25pm.. I’m still in pjs.. ((wrote yesterday))
As opposed to hours fussing over what I should do with my time today.. all the guessing, wishing, thinking, annoyances with myself for not having any ideas produced nothing.. 
I guess no perceived ideas at all isn’t the ideal place to start from.. But realising I have began a 30 day journal project and that I’m 19 days in and it is something I have enjoyed doing I’m going to go with that. And so it flows.. 

Home

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I feel most at home.. Sharing my heart unashamedly and freely. But there is a risk to it. You put yourself out there and you are opening yourself up to be criticized, judged and talked about. Ha ha either become popular or unpopular or completely misunderstood. 

Yesterday I shared my heart on a topic on-line and immediately felt the latter so that I edited it quite a few times then eventually deleted it altogether. I could see it seemed what I wrote was personally aimed but it really wasn’t. I felt I had to change it even though I’d done nothing wrong.  I realise I need to be careful. But sometimes no matter what you say or how you say it someone can take it wrong.. 

So although one needs to be wise when they open up yeah if you did stay safe you may not put anything out there at all. I wonder sometimes why there has seemed such a personal negative splash back on my sharing and simply for being myself? Many people have wished I was quiet. I give sport to others. Why I can still feel afraid saying anything? If you thought about it too much you would stop altogether.

You know what? I’m still saying it 🙂 fearlessly.. Bravely..  be it with a little trepidation. 

 You’d think by sharing your heart you are actually wanting attention but that has never been the case with me. Just how I am made and I don’t have the support system around me to talk about it so I do this instead. I write and express creatively about and from my own personal experience. Perhaps it is why it appears so acutely that others feel it to the extent they think it is about them or their lives? So maybe I should not be afraid of misunderstandings but indeed see that they are showing me there is some recognition to be found in what I write. I have always felt sorta different to most. But if someone is noticing than there must be some kind of similarity at some point. Otherwise I’d be so off base they would either think I was crazy and ignore me altogether or take no notice at all. That they do says something. Though I do not like anyone thinking I’m having a go at them because its definitely not who I am or being made fun of even if it is behind closed doors. You psyche seems to pick up vibes though and you do sense the people who could be doing it. Maybe it is a God thing too?

Home for me is my every day life, being inspired by what surrounds me and by what brings me alive and I love talking about that. Keeps me going. Like right now I want to stop because of the incident yesterday because this writing seems stupid and maybe even pointless.

Home is where my spirit is and where I can be totally myself but should I be? Why am I afraid right here and right now? Why do I want to stop writing? Nobody needs to read it? Why can’t I just enjoy this? What does it matter if someone misunderstands me? I mean it happens to us all doesn’t it? I do not go out of my way to offend anybody. I live from my heart. I don’t know why others cannot see that my heart IS NOT evil. It has almost destroyed me that people thought the worst of me. But sometimes it has been that various people have been jealous and I do not know why? Maybe that I can do this? Talk about myself, feelings, express it openly? I do not know. I am not going to stop though I never have. This is where I live, brought alive through writing, through expressing ups and downs, thoughts, feelings and joys, sadnesses. Sometimes not many notice but that is ok. I enjoy doing it anyway and if you look at my art you can see I am not a perfectionist. I drink my coffee, I get things off my chest. I do some art. I tell my truth. I share my faith. I can even share my insecurities. I have gone through very hard things and thankfully they did not stop me. I have grown here. I have faced it and I have done some healing.

Home is where my heart is and where my heart is expressed I am most happy and free. I always enjoy returning to expressive writing, prompts, arts and journaling. I return to read. Return to open up my heart. Return to share it where I do also connect with others. Return to remember who I am and what matters most. Return to express life where I am always welcome even if it’s a struggle to find the words or stay and battle it out on a page. Even when I feel restricted by things that try so hard to shut me down my every word is determination to overcome my personal demons. Home because God is here and His Spirit meets me here too, no wonder I love it here and indeed I think creativity is my run too place. If the outside world is hard, I’m lonely or feeling restricted in any way. I always have this place to return too.. For me this is Home.

A poem I wrote – Infant loss

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I am currently doing a free 6 week course at Future Learn called Literature and Mental Health via the University of Warwick. Current topic is “Speaking words we can’t find”. Asked to share – Are there any pieces of literature – old or modern, prose or poetry – that speak to you in the way that Katherine Philips’ poem speaks to Paula?

We have  been studying a poem by Katherine Phillips she wrote on the loss of a little baby boy which remarkably was written in the 1600’s.

I have also lost an infant baby boy. So this study is very very close to my heart. I was given a miracle of peace by God when I lost our baby infant back in 1997 which changed my whole life. For some strange reason I was easily able to talk about it too at the time but very few around me were available to me to listen to the extent I needed. So one day I got out my electric typewriter and decided to write about everything. I guess I just imagined I could do that all in one sitting. lol it isn’t possible of course. I eventually wrote 29 chapters.

But it is wonderful the very first thing I wrote was a poem. It was just a small piece of writing to lead into the actual main piece of writing which was the first chapter and so on. It was a miracle I wrote at all because I had three other little children to raise at the time I started and it came remarkably easy and I had never written a book before or since. I will add the link to this blog post to the university comment section to share it with others there but also because it was straight from a grieving mothers heart and I just see that it helped me to get it out, to see it in written form and others have been helped by it too. I have not edited it, it is the exact same form I wrote it. The very first thing I wrote before I typed up what is now the entire story. It doesn’t even have a title it was just the leading paragraph at the very start. To introduce the story. Again it is a miracle also this poem began it all because at that time I HAD never written poetry before either.

I have even kept it in the form first written. because as I have been learning in the course, the written form is also part of how we express our emotions etc.. It is religious in nature because my faith was exactly what was helping me through. All based on a miracle of peace from God through this terrible period when our baby son Tyler was born, became very ill when he was only a few days old and died at 8 weeks old from a heart/lung abnormality.

See in the address up top of this blog.. eternalpeacechild. It is all linked to what I experienced through this loss. My online name is peacechild4.

I have not ever published the book.. I did share the chapters on face book and with family and friends in written form and on a few websites but not as book form or even ebook form. Poem in bold so you know what is the actual poem..

 

I wrote this poem, a mother coming to terms with the death of my child.
I have seen much that I have had no control over. I have suffered the weight of feelings I can’t escape.

What I experienced alongside my child has survived.
So precious that I had to write this down.
Although nothing can take away what has happened.
I know throughout his life there was meaning.

If my son received the inner peace throughout that I have been given through my faith in Jesus Christ.
Then all that I saw, all that my child went through, that has produced my lack of fear to write, brings hope.

I have the calming reason to believe, that from my experience of peace. I am given assurance of how much more Tyler deserved it, and how a loving God would give all the more to him.

In my impression of Tyler’s story I endeavor to share how he received what I now hold onto.

Tyler’s Story never ends.
It just begun in a different place.



Dreams

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Day  14

I really, really, really, really want to…

Dream again.

You can get so bogged down in survival. Even seems a ridiculous word to use in every day life doesn’t it. But that is what we do daily. Go through the motions. Day in and day out, a sort of hard slog and no wonder it feels heavy and burdensome. Feel like the sky is always gray and the road is always uphill. We forget to dream. We think it’s wrong somehow. Yet every night there are dreams in our heads as we lie fitfully in our bed. They come whether we wish it or not. Yes they can be nightmares. They can seem stupid or pointless but they still come. For a long time I didn’t recall them but I am more aware of dreams I have nightly except that very soon once I wake the content of what I dreamed about fades away.

Why do we humans feel so guilty to enjoy our lives? To find a little respite here and there to help make our journey more bearable. A couple of times I really do believe God gave me gifts to help me fill in the time. Raising children you can be stuck in the home, you can get lost in daily chores and running back and forth but not really going anywhere. There were a few times I have been given access to lots of books. When I was knee deep in raising young children I lived in a remote town where there is not a lot of places to go. I used to do a weekly bible study group with other ladies. The Lady who led the group was a missionary. She had a bookstore in her home. Helped make some money to support their work but also to provide materials for local people. Often people would send her things to help their family and to help those of us that they gave their lives to minister too and at one time someone sent a huge shipment of books.

Pam set them up in a library for free borrowing. I hungrily took advantage of reading probably most of them and listening to sermons on cassette that was back when I could hear much better. I really felt blessed because it helped me survive raising children which is wonderful but can be so tiresome. Like an escape, a way to learn when you are not getting much feedback and your body is exhausted but your mind is alive and starving for more of something. Husband was at work all day and too tired most night to do much talking. And you are stuck with kids all day lol. Books helped immensely. I thanked God for those moments when the children were asleep or at school or for a snatch here and they were contented and not fighting or making a mess. I was so very blessed with babies and young children who slept all night except for times of sickness.. I think from 6 weeks old every baby slept all night.

Two years ago or thereabouts it happened again.. A friend of the family gave me 5 or 6 huge bags of books to do whatever I wanted with because she didn’t need them anymore. I did actually give some away because there was no way I could read them all. But I remember I did take a deep sigh you know when she gave them to me. I thought ohh I am in for a huge chunk of time where God knows that I will need occupying lol. And yes as my children in this stage of life are growing up I have more time. Being disabled here in Australia I do not have to work I’m on a pension and am home an awful lot, and every weekend the children go to their Fathers so I am alone on weekends. These books comfort me that God cares about me and about my having something to fill in my time. I enjoy reading so I see that God cares about us being happy and enjoying our lives and I really do not feel that He expects humans to be busy always working. That it is OK to rest and not just sludge through life. Books and stories help me dream they help my mind stay alive when sometimes I feel lonely and can just shut down. I can be comforted by the characters and getting lost in the stories. 

Yes I do not have to feel so damn guilty for filling in time that sometimes seems to swallow me up. Our society is ALL about productivity unfortunately and it shocks me these days when very very young  children are pushed out into the world and it’s all so much about stimulation and learning that I think play time, dreaming and fun must surely be things we seem to frown upon. I mean everything seems so darn controlled, regimented, something to slot in on our time tables. Well not my life lol. But even so I still feel that pull on me. That I am worthless because I DO NOT live like the majority. It’s like please do not waste your life dreaming. You need to produce something with your life, do do do.

Dreams come and go but they lift you up. Make you hopeful. Gives you beautiful thoughts and daydreams that dance in your head. Your body might age. Kids grow up. You might be alone a lot but stories can fill your heart and mind with life inducing dreams.. I don’t think your spirit ever ages. It makes life beautiful, bearable and fun once again.

Day 13 : Challenge

Standard

Ways I live my life bravely..

I am writing this at a time, day, moment in my life where recent events have come to a head and I need to get it out of me. I don’t know if that could be considered a bravery but perhaps it is when I publicize it? I just cannot function and I know I will and do shut down if I do not do something more with it. I do not want to internalize it. Take the pain within and mull it over or continue to store it inside me. Bravery is facing it or getting it out and especially being honest about it. I want to get over it not keep reliving it and I certainly do want to learn how to cope better and how if anything I can stop it happening.

I do not have many at this stage I can talk about this with personally so yeah tough titties to those who would see me and think — grin and bare it or take it only to God. Cause that ain’t going to happen sorry I already take it to God and I still need to speak of it.

It is brave to speak the truth even if nobody wants to hear it or believe me. It doesn’t make it less true. It just destroys me if I say nothing and I am wiser than that. I won’t stay quietly suffering just because people cannot deal with me speaking about it.

I wish I could just solve it and get over it. I really do wish it. But sometimes when another person is involved and they keep doing the same things to me which hurts me. I cannot just say “I forgive you” and then let them keep doing it to me.. That is insanity. I deal with it and this is my way to do that.

I cannot just let someone treat me wrong because they do not think they are. That they use excuses to justify it or even gloss over it as if the problem is all me. Well hey if I am the problem then taking myself out of the equation is wise isn’t it. Lol yet they expect me to just stand their bleeding and get on with it and just forget it about it because it is in past. I will not especially if the past continues to be right now.

My blood and wounds may be invisible to you. My blood may run freely and still be invisible to you but this is not about you is it. You don’t need to read this. You don’t need to even consider this. I am not doing this to make you understand me or help you in any way. Heck no. I am doing this to survive.

Bravery even if it appears stupidity to you or anyone else is in-sequential. What is important is this is needed for me and I do it for me not you regardless of what you think or how it looks. I think that is strength and bravery right there. Though yes I do it publicly because for so long keeping quiet has made my life harder.

I have been hurt by how someone treats me. Someone that is close in relation to me. Someone who seems not to even know what they are doing even when I tell them and they do not seem to value at all how I feel about it. So all the speaking to them does nothing. At an impasse. This is my way to deal with it so it does not keep me down. I rise through the speaking. I do separate myself as much as I can from it. That brings its own problems but I will not just take blows upon myself because the other person doesn’t understand what it does to me. Maybe they do not understand my separation from them either but at least in the separating myself I am not being landed with blow after blow. That is far worse. Yes a quandary appears. I suppose everyone who only hears the other side would see me as stand offish. Rude. Uncaring. Bitchy. Cruel or even making the other person’s life harder. Again I do not do such to offend, place burdens on them but rather to protect myself from more harm. Often it is done out of sheer survival not to hurt but to help.

This is it then the need to explain myself as well but also because I need to say it somewhere. It helps immensely to validate that it is happening because believe me staying quiet is denial to me and not speaking about it eats me up inside. I am silently destroyed.

I sigh as I write. Why do I do this? Tell my side? To show that I am suffering? Does it matter in the long run? I need to do it. I need to say it somewhere so why not here? That I struggle with a relationship. It is said and I feel heard even as I type the words. I am not afraid to say it. I am not afraid to be honest about it. I do not think I am running the other person down when I talk about how it affects me. That is not my intention. I just thank God for the gift of sharing this way of writing. Of getting it out of me and that it matters to me even if it matters not to another soul.