Monthly Archives: June 2019

Impossible days

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Suffering takes away pretence, fear and the need to use filters. You just want it to end period. You will do anything but the truth is.. You have so little energy and if you give up you die. I unapologetically and stubbornly adhered to faith in GOD. I pushed through when it seemed to get worse and I wanted to stop. I share cause I wish to help anyone suffering. I sympathise with you and do not want to play down how much you are personally going through this was just my journey. I want to help you find help and a way through also and I will pray for anyone who asks.

Last few days for me felt impossibly hard. Yet as I look back it seems such a drop in the bucket of any type of suffering. But it went achingly slow as I passed through it. As a believer in GOD for me it was a spiritual battle that spilled over and affected my very mind. It was hard to think about anything. My mind was thinking ridiculous things and I was losing control of it. Such a strange strange feeling. I was stomach sick same time so I was so drained. Devoid of energy. Bad dreams and not much sleep. I was zapped and felt so anxious and like a paralysis. Like having to think and move through thick treacle. So bodily tired because I was fighting mental battles in my head. Never gone through anything like this.

My mother helped with day to day running around. I probably shouldn’t have been driving but at times I couldn’t find anyone to help. I want to write this up in case anybody else is helped.

I am at the other end of it now. Still feeling weak. Like not quite myself but the mind battles have stopped.

I was constantly quoting scriptures. But at the time it was hard to speak loudly or sing praise as someone said and I did everything to the best of my ability at the time even if it sounded like a grunt to anyone else. I asked for prayers on face book. I believe they saved me from far worse. I absolutely do.

I recommitted my life to GOD.. I did everything I could think of. All the things that have worked in the past didn’t seem to touch it. I felt like screaming.. I was walking about battling in my head wondering if my family could tell. I did eventually tell my parents even wrote on face book in comments I was struggling mentally. I have never done that before and I have had many low times in the past.

I even reached out to a friend who I had not spoken too in years. Who prayed for me when baby Tyler was ill back in 1997. I just knew her prayers back then had given me such peace and helped me through an impossibly hard time and I not only knew peace for the situation back there but I was comforted for baby Tyler who also suffered.. To know that kind of peace lifted so much grief and sadness and changed a very difficult experience to something that was life changing in the best ways. I had peace complete and utter peace when even family friends were openly grieving and crying I was dry eyed and I am a normally very emotional person. God is absolutely real!! HE changes everything. But it doesn’t mean you escape suffering it just means you have hope going through it and support comes to you at times too. Not as you think it will.
You cannot order what happens you just cry out and keep crying out and I was groaning too in my spirit which is very weird but it is when you are too tired to talk but you are feeling overwhelmed and it spills into groaning type prayers from deep inside you. Sometimes ideas come to you at the time just pop into your head so I followed through many times without stopping to think about it. Good ones.. Lol there were some I wouldn’t want to admit.. Absolutely crazy and very dark.

I lost my peace in these last few days so I wanted that back and this friend was instrumental in praying for me then. That is how desperate I felt. We had lost touch and I reached out because I could not carry on mentally struggling as I was.
People cannot help you in the hardest times or at least that has happened to me this way. They can support you.. Help you.. But the ultimate help only comes from GOD who is spirit and with us always whether we are aware or not.. And there were hours at night I battled alone or it felt it and I did not feel God I actually felt very far from him.. But I knew people were praying. I sat in the darkness reading scriptures from a book on my iphone called “The Secret Power of speaking God’s word” by Joyce Meyer.. I found the book in an op shop but also have it in ebook form on my phone. I just sat in the dark reading scriptures over myself till I was too tired to read. There are times you are tired but you have to say.. Ok I have to trust I have done all I know to do. I can’t read anymore or pray anymore I am lying down. I am going to try to sleep. And sleep did come eventually. Thank YOU GOD..I just woke up at many times at night and did this over and over.. Sleep.. Wake.. Read.. Pray.. Sleep.. Wake.. Etc.. Till the morning light came.. Gosh those nights are everlasting.

I also dressed myself in the Armour of GOD.. Find in Ephesians 6 putting on each piece of armor and speaking about how it was helping me.

I have been writing prayers to Abba through another book as a devotional. But at this time I couldn’t do that.. I was too tired and not mentally capable. I probably wrote some things without filters lol on face book and to people so I do apologise to those people. I noticed my filters dropped and suddenly I was saying things without thinking ‘is this is appropriate or not’.. I remember taking Zali to work and I got to her workplace and I was freaking out. I couldn’t go anywhere.. Clammy and felt so weak and sick to my core.. She was wondering why I couldn’t function but I was struggling to do anything but sit and just wait it through till it passed which thankfully it did.

Kids gave me hugs throughout which were great. My mother helped with things. Listened and my kids sort of had to fend for themselves but they are adults thankfully.. I realise I house share with family so I do not know what other people do without that support.. So maybe I am better off this way. I still had to drive around my kids to work. Slept more.. Sat more.. Eating habits changed. This is just a few days mind you. Lol. It even sounds weird comparing this short time to what many go through days, months, years and so much worse then this… But for the short time it was incapacitating like I have never experienced before..

I mean I have gone through divorce.. Losing my hearing over many years. Being deaf with a severe loss.. Losing a child. Single motherhood.. Being isolated by ongoing difficult relationships and just trying to deal with them and what it means to my life.. My youngest sister drowned.. Etc.. I have had struggles but this was the hardest when your mind goes your whole world tips over.. It affects everything around you and I am sorry to say so much of what people suggest falls so short and I tried to be gentle about answering them when I could most times I just said thanks and I felt such compassion for people who are struggling and weak to do much but feel utterly hopeless.. You are suffering and its painful and long and lonely and you are fighting and just trying to stay with it. I was out of sync within myself. How do you explain that? I am trying here but it felt much much worse.

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