Monthly Archives: May 2020

My weakness

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My Weakness

I have not faired well in time of lock-down. You know the staying at home while the pandemic circulates the globe. When I say faired well I have been extremely lazy. I am not a highly motivated person even a moderately motivated person. I am at the lower end of any kind of scale on every level. I would think perhaps only the art wise scale I might be a little higher.

Art wise I have done some digital work and I am seeing improvement there and thankfully I am keeping that up.

I want to write and journal and thrill people with my writing skills it’s my favourite thing to do. Its just I have not found that easy.

I keep a diary the old book style and I am sad to say there are very few entries in that for 2020 😦 and that disappoints me. When I say thrill I find writing easier to flow with when I want to share things. Like my hearing loss/deafness there seems also a disability that hampers me in my communication skills in connecting with others via my writing and it is extremely disheartening.

Obviously in lock down you cannot see people. Well in my normal life I do not see people. But sadly even currently on-line and I am there every day.

Connections are not flowing here either. The one person online I do chat with. Its been probably our lowest period of chatting ever. The less you say… the less you do say. And it possibly is a miracle I can even write this right now. I think since my last blog post.. 25th April this will be the longest I have expressed myself except for long hours of digital painting but I don’t know painting just doesn’t say enough. But at least its something..

When nothing flows. No desire to speak or write even though I am still a feeling expressive soul you are really just existing.

I want too.. I mean I am aware of it. Just so easy to switch on Netflix or any other platform and watch it. I am so grateful for that though. Netflix, Stan, 7Plus which is Australian all have deaf captions and I enjoy watching people communicate and understand everything they are saying. It is almost like being around people and I do enjoy it. Soak in it. Enjoy the stories, get lost in it. Makes me feel part of something again. Something more then just myself. And it is an ease and there is no struggle to understand and I do not have to work at it or pursue people and wait for replies. Quite a few I text and message just do not answer. I think hearing people just do not put the same emphasis on how important answering texts and messages is to someone who cannot communicate in many other ways. I want to get frustrated with them.. But I fear they will stop altogether.

This magnetic poetry took ages. Just to write it first. And I wrote it first on my notes ap on my iphone. I wanted to get down how I am feeling as honestly as I can be it however it comes I cannot be picky. Its good for me to be honest somewhere. Its like I am breaking out of that big heavy prison that stifles my expressive soul. Then I had to condense it down to fit into a poem plus make it possible to display with as many words of my magnetic poetry sets as I can find. I have a spare few sheets of magnetic white paper that I can write a few words on that I do not have. You have no idea how much effort goes into getting this sort of thing out there. It really is a sludge match these days. It is probably why I am so lazy because it really is so much work. Not to even mention when expressions are expressed that connection is hoped for too but so often that is impossibly hard to come by. Lol but I push on.. Push out.. I do it mostly because I enjoy it. I feel accomplished when I share things. It helps my daily life immensely. Despite my influx of digital art. Writing is my preferred medium.

So this is my soul expressed here.. Imperfect. I am not sure if others would admire imperfect sharing but it is what it is and I am brave just putting writing art out at all. Always my hope is.. That HIS presence/spirit/strength which is the LORD with me always is shown.. It is not religious at all in the words I’ve chosen. I am not religious though.. As in outwardly.. BUT IT IS HIS strength that I will speak about here because though miniscule as my faith might be I still have faith. I truly believe HE is with me and there is some greater reason for it all. And that ANYTHING good in me.. HE is the source of it. I do recognize a contentment in myself.. A sense of being held. A peace.. I have not felt anxious. I have not given up. I do not cry often as I used too. I can sleep ok. I am not worried about anything really. I am not feeling hopeless. Many things I can still be thankful for.

Just as the title above says.. I am weak and not physically well put together, and I have little output…

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I do not have ducks. I do not have a row. I have squirrels, and they’re at a rave.

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2 Corinthians 12:9 Amplified Bible (AMP)
9 but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.