Tag Archives: Spirit

Belonging

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Journey : 30 Day Journal Project

Day 24

BELONGING

“It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Prompt — I  feel I belong..

Oh my this is a good one. I decided to choose the more positive prompt. 🙂
Belonging is so very important. It’s a life force which flows from one to the other probably when you are a people person you can take it for granted. But when you fall through the cracks of life you can yearn for it and realize it’s value and see its goodness and purpose much better because it is something you do not feel you have.
I think of it like electricity poles without wires. The interactions we make with each other fire us up every day. It is why when a stranger smiles at you it makes you feel really good inside.

I am energized by creative people. Whether I am in their company or not. Their art or expressions just seem to have a life of its own or a part of the person’s spirit resides in their creativity and transmits to the one who admires it. I feel I belong in such company. It is hard to explain. But although creative people appear to be different sorts of people. They are warm and welcoming in ways that are beyond the physical. You feel drawn to them but also strangely connected. In their midst you are much happier. You do belong and I guess maybe you feel like you know them better then you actually do. Old souls or something.

I don’t need them to be constantly in my life because they kinda already are. They have affected a part of me inside. Inspired me and their art keeps me going, gives me hope, draws out of me what I cannot get out of myself on my own. They seem to accept you as you are and you them.

There can be similarities to our journeys even though we may be on completely different sides of the earth, believe totally different things and even have different centuries of birth. That one I touched on last blog post.

I know people feed off each other. I cannot speak from an extroverts position. I am a loner. But it doesn’t mean I don’t wish to belong I really really do. I just flow differently that’s all. I still need to meet and mingle with fish in my stream. I guess it makes me daily search to find it.  I do it all of course from the internet. Ha. My bedroom. Spirit is found on-line and I love that our modern world has this option. It is strange though. Years ago you would be completely isolated if there were no people around you and even mailing hand written letters would take months to arrive. We do take the written word so much for granted these days. We get annoyed if our texts are not answered straight away!!!

I never know where my writing is going to flow when I do it. 

Being a single woman who is a romantic at heart flying solo I loathe it but yes I do have lots of time to do art and nobody is going to care if art supplies are flung across my bed.
So I am going to base my art journal page along with this writing on my hearts desire that is to be loved and passionately because that is a belonging I crave. Now I KNOW spiritually GOD loves me more than any human man or woman could ever love me. I do not physically see HIM or feel HIM that way. 

I found a beautiful book at an op shop yesterday (thrift store) about quotes and pics of love.
One quote which touched my heart is “Trust in my affection for you. Tho’ I may not display it exactly in the way you like and expect it, it is not therefore less deep and sincere. ~ Anna Jameson, 1833 “

Now that IS exactly how my wildly romantic heart has to function these days. I have to stubbornly believe it without seeing or physically feeling it. NOW I can feel it if I take these words into my heart and see with spiritual eyes that GOD is speaking and loving me. Faith is a powerful ally. Children hear Santa on the roof. Authors imagine whole other worlds without actually seeing them with their eyes. Imagination is a great gift.

 God has shown me there is great joy in HIS presence. The bible says that too but I have also felt this said joy despite my life and situation. A joy flood over me in my room or wherever I am aware of HIM but not the bible HIM I was taught since childhood only the personal HIM I found on my own.. It is supernatural. I mean it is not of me at that moment. I truly believe as I have trusted GOD. Yet that word GOD is not enough.. Jesus, Yeshua much closer to explaining HIM who is dear to me. I do not know what word actually would come close to explaining how I really feel about HIM. HE is a real presence to me and why I always capitalize the words to honor HIM. I know in text speak it symbolizes shouting. But to me capitalizing his name I am revering the presence and how real and big and beautiful HE is to me.

A realm of understanding where I belong more than ANY place on earth and am affectionately known and beloved MORE than any human on earth. I can literally be pulled by a desire to speak to HIM that is I guess likened to when you wish to stalk a certain person or be close to someone you desire or only just to hear them say your name. Except that it isn’t a figure I can talk to face to face. Hand on my heart. Hands raised. What I call real worship. Because it isn’t forced and it springs from within and its not only on Sunday. It can be anywhere and anyplace. Personal. I mean I can speak as I am. Awkward. Spazzy. Too many words that spill out all at once that not anyone wishes to hear at anytime but HE does. Spontaneous. For the most I’d say private too. Not that I am ashamed. But I get excited and because I am deaf I speak loud and people shush me always. GOD doesn’t seem to mind. 🙂 But I will anywhere and with anyone also in the moment.

What has surprised me most of all. That I was never taught in church. Is just HOW MUCH HE loves me. In church it’s all focus totally on GOD and the rituals and presentation of it is sort of to be as perfect as you can be. Doesn’t bide well for a clumsy, loud and often late to church person.
But I don’t know it seemed to be to the detriment of the value of ones messy soul. Perhaps in recent years when I have not been in the building of a Sunday things are changing. But I had to leave the building to find the whole truth and I am still learning. My life is not what you would call overly religious by the standard I once adhered too. I suppose reading this you would think I was still there lol. But I am in pjs and it’s almost midday as I write. I do not go to a building and haven’t for years. I do not deliberately daily read the bible though I quote from it. Nor have hour long prayer times set aside.

I just live aware of HIM. HE is more like the air I breathe every day. Like the quote says. I live my life trusting in HIM rather then a set of rules and regulations that I adhere too strictly. I can see that many things HE said are helpful and important. And I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water. I live from within rather than from without. Spirit and truth rather than a wider based term of ‘Christianity’..

I belong because of HIM and what HE did and because of who HE is and who that makes me. Yet I am fully me as I am through HIM. True freedom. I found myself totally an utterly transformed when aware of HIS realm. Takes faith yes. Strong focus because we want what we want and sometimes it doesn’t come the way we wish for it in the physical but also our old ways do not work here so to belong we need to think different. It also takes a stubbornness. A stubbornness to not give up but live as if I was in this realm every single moment of every single day. It has taken a strong heart too because you know dropping out of ‘church’ suddenly you are very much on your own. Oh I know I belong despite how people think I am, judge me to be or how many still believe I have fallen away. But you have to live in this world side by side and they so far for the most who live religiously give me the cold shoulder. See me as out of the fold rather than in. That isn’t so easy to imagine away.

Also it is realizing that many are still not aware that spirit is different to flesh living and that is perhaps why they cannot yet see what I see and live as I live but I’m sharing it regularly and not hiding. For quite some time it’s felt I am in a different world to most everyone else..

We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words — to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves. (The Weight Of Glory) C.S. Lewis

When it comes to dirt roads… 

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project
Day 12
DIRT
“Of all the paths you take in life,
make sure a few of them are dirt.”
— John Muir

Today’s Journal Prompt:
When it comes to dirt roads…I am off the beaten track. There is the direction the majority takes and there is me. It has not been choice for the most part but rather that I just don’t need to fit into the mainstream anymore. The funny thing is we are told to go out into the world. Internet is a great world bringer together and a perfect going out all over the world vehicle. And yet majority live from the position and conduct of where they are and how they are rather than the spirit within themselves being the transporter into the world via self.

 
I see myself as one who has shot off the main stream into a smaller off shoot stream but the same current did carry me here. It happened to me rather than by me. I just went with the flow even though it is different to others. I do not have the fortitude to go back upstream neither the desire either. I go with it. There is no turning back for me. Force beyond myself that propels me forward and I have no idea where I am going I just know I am not alone even though it feels it. Spiritual sense of greater connection and purpose.
When I think of the word ‘dirt’ I think of earthy, I think of natural basic core. I think of dirt as perhaps bumpy, different and unforced perhaps a little rough and very spontaneous. I think of slowing down to enjoy the journey and being in the moment wherever you are. I think of adventure. I think of bare necessities. I think of getting lost but being found.

 

I am at a place in my life where I am out of my comfort zone. Not living from a throng of people around to influence me or support me or validate me. Not too many distractions. It is rather by the moment existence. Look up. Look within. When things around me line up I am glad it gives me intuitive vision to keep trudging on. This inner compass doesn’t say what will happen or how or what is next. It just appears from time to time and you feel things are right. Hard to explain. Relying on peace to guide me. If there is no peace I want nothing to do with it. If there is peace I can cope with just about anything at all and get through it no matter what it is.

 
As I was praying today this scripture has become a base for my prayers.

Ephesians 1:8 ‘the eyes of your heart being enlightened, in order for you to know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.’

As I said earlier it feels very much this ‘path’ is my calling. Yet I do not understand it and it can be very strange and much like being in unknown territory. It seems selfish. It seems in denial of all that most believe and are being. It seems almost defiant. IT IS a different track to most. A lot of believers talk about being holy, clean and pure. But this artistic, different, expressive, whole-hearted inner path is a breaking ground existence which can get rather messy. Would be considered very much a ‘dirt’ path. Self is frowned upon yet this is exactly where GODS Spirit takes up residence?!?! Being in midst of a larger congregation seems to be the in thing. So being on a solo type path is rather a no no. Yet it’s exactly here I have learnt the most.

 
Yet I am not alone. Never alone. Spiritually speaking we are all in the one vine yes? He being the unifying, eternal force that connects the whole of us into one so can one ever say we are alone when we are in the vine? Yet faith travelers tend to identify one another only by living a certain way. Being the church is seen as people coming together and God dwells in the midst. Yet in Spirit and truth how I live even in my artistic endeavors the Spirit is in the midst of ME and I function from that place where He and I dwell. I am not really different at all. Just my perception of it is different. I am from the same earth, the same dirt that our first ever ancestor Adam was formed from. The same Spirit breathed into him that exists in every human being and also in me. This dirt is my flesh home for His Spirit but in my size and shaped form. Beginning and ending in me but when I do things it’s flowing from me. I have the very same life force that Adam had and I believe and am seeing this is exactly where my beaten path is eking out from. The path is being lived out from inside of me. So therefore where I put my every foot, which creatively is my words, my expressions, my feelings, my hopes, my values, my life force however it comes forth. This is my path as wild and as back to the basics of ‘dirt’ it may appear. Everything I do even from my ‘core dirt soul’ is the kingdom life force living within and expressed through me.

 

Unknown

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project

Day 3

UNKNOWN

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do,

we have come to our real work

and when we no longer know which way to go,

we have begun our real journey.”

— Wendell Berry

My real work might just be…

Starting, becoming clear, springing from this place?

Oh my how that quote above just makes me sigh deeply like suddenly my soul found it had stopped breathing and didn’t quite know it. Because I often sit thinking of all that I should or could be doing and have absolutely no idea what to do with myself and its such a hopeless feeling and I cannot literally move. I am afraid that if I did ask GOD it be just the same old same old and all the crap I have been through would have been for nothing. Yet I know HE doesn’t waste anything. I know HE has been with me through all the strange occurrences that has been my life. I have not felt HIS displeasure or felt guilty except only by the words of humans who say they are speaking for HIM?
Yet where are they when I am struggling? Judging? I thought the Holy Spirit was supposed to prompt people into action but so far nobody has been getting it except artist type people. People who have struggled and who are what the world considers broken people. They seem more in tune with the Spirit of God than people who spend their lives dedicated to God?? It all makes me look at HIM only at HIM and perhaps what encourages me even though it seems not the way a majority move is just when I think I cannot go on a little ray of light breaks through and I find myself encouraged and fear fades away.

Unknown territory. Where nothing of the normal or old type things work anymore. Its like everything has pushed me here. And even though it has been hard and lonely and isolating strangely I do not wish to go back. I often think how can this be? Majority move a certain way surely I am way off the beaten track yet I find despite myself incredible peace and joy and intuition I know is not me. Maybe it is all for a reason. To begin that REAL journey my soul has been crying out for. I suppose I should not be disorientated when its all new ground around me, all unfamiliar and strange. Because that is exactly what breaking into the NEW is.

So this is it then. This New way. And I just realised yet again when I am honest about where I am something comes alive in me. I can express myself easily. I can find the words that only a short while ago failed me. What a strange thing this is though. This strength in weakness. This surge of life where moments ago I was lost and direction less but now I am moving in spirit, confidence brimming over and it feels really really good.

Amazing how the messages come to me

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— Wrote in my diary — today 24th January 2017

Looking through the hashtag on Instagram #myfearlessyear2014 by artist Beth Morey. 

Feeding my soul. I think this is my problem. I’ve been starving. A starving soul. Wondering why I can’t function.  I need to eat first. 

(Bizare) next thing I see.

Quote from pic below

 “The main thing is to stop struggling and nourish yourself.” 


I’m so thankful. Gods Spirit with me wherever I go. Always speaking.. 

Two more quotes I found while there that I love.. 

Stop being relevant. Just be you. 

I’m not interested in spirituality that cannot encompass my humanness. 

How to be part rainbow and live with the rest of the colors?

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I am sorry but I react differently to the way I used to be. I cannot be the same anymore. The old ways just don’t work the same and I don’t want to go back. I want to go forward.

I find it very difficult nowadays to relate to people because I live from my Spirit rather then outward formalities. The christian life I grew up in, since I have come out of outwardly living it. (The only way I can really say it.) I realize I was not fully myself. I was another shadow self or I adapted ways to speak and act that were not really me but what I thought I should be and what others around me were being. It is not that they are right and I am wrong now or that I am right and they are wrong. It is not like that it’s just I wanna be my own color but yet still be a part of the rainbow.. which I am I know in my heart. We are all a part of the circle of life, Gods family of all colors and races it’s just for some reason we do not recognize it in each other and do not really know the fullness of what HE has done for us as a whole creation.

I see people speaking a certain way now and I love the person but… I just don’t know how to answer them anymore. I realize now that is how they have been with me too and why it has seemed I have fallen through the cracks. When I say cracks I mean a whole lot of people haven’t had anything to do with me anymore and you just sense distance and that’s not just me pulling away but them too. Treated me differently. They must see what I write and how I am and they cannot gel with me the same just as I haven’t been able to gel with them. So there is this gap or what seems like a gap in our connection I suppose you could say. Yet we are the same in spirit. I see this because we are all created in GODS image and created by Him so there is similarities in all of us. I cannot see sheep and goats anymore. Sinners and saved. I see what Jesus did is for all mankind. Most just do not know to the extent of what HE did and see it as only for those who do certain things and live a certain way. I see HIM as the way and that I and everyone else (even those not knowing) are included in that. That is actually a whole other way I am different in my beliefs now too.. What I have learned in this journey. There will be some who will read no more and call me blasphemous but I hope despite any differences anyone can still read on.

I do write this though as a sort of apology to all the people I cannot gel with atm. I really wish I could explain it but the way people talk, the things they say. I cannot be like that anymore. Come at them like that. Speak like that anymore. I just cannot and of yet I haven’t known how to speak, act and be me and let you be you and believe what I do and you believe what you do. Find a middle ground sort of thing. I do so wish to be a peace child. I realize as I write this there are people who do not even believe in God and have a different view altogether. Even if you do believe differently, we are all humans on earth collectively speaking even with our differences. We are all people who would do better as a whole if we were living side by side in harmony even with our differences.

I struggle when anyone is using a different kind of language than I am especially using Christian terminology to communicate to me and it has appeared to me if I am not like the majority of Christians, there is immediate break down in speaking back to me or acknowledging me.

To explain myself. Jesus said it is like this.. it’s like putting new wine into old wine skins. I see to be a believer at all it has to be a whole new way of being. I do believe I am living now more or mostly from my Spirit and not from my flesh or living the christianese way.. I made the word up.. Lol. But the trouble is if everyone else was living from their spirit or even some of their spirit wouldn’t there be at least some connection? I am no longer coming from the outward behavior standards and I see that makes all the difference. Yet I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water altogether. I see some who leave the formal way and give it all up. But I still very much believe in God.

When I thought of writing this I thought of the colors of a rainbow. How the rainbow is.
We see the colors after rain or when the light reflects a certain way. We see all the colors but say ‘hey there is a rainbow!!’. We don’t dissect it and think every color should be the same because it wouldn’t be a rainbow if it were all one color!!

Or we don’t just recognize it for the blue or the green or the yellow. We love it for its unique beauty in all its glory. We love it because it contains all those colors side by side and together they paint the sky in iridescence. I don’t ever get sick of seeing rainbows. A rainbow encompasses all the colors not excluding any and no one sees it for only certain colors unless they are color blind.

Of course humanity is much more then seven colors but each of us is our own shade of similarity. I have yet to learn how to speak to the yellows or greens or purples or pinks and be who I am and yet let them be who they are. Because in the past. I thought of myself as a christian and I identified with christians. Everybody else were sinners going to hell. I mean how bad is that!!! I realize this is something I am growing out of and 40 years of doing things and seeing things a certain way takes time to adapt out of. Not fully there yet. So I shouldn’t be so surprised when someone doesn’t get me either especially right now.

It isn’t really something you can be taught. Spirit seems to transcend understanding. Spirit encompasses all. Doesn’t have borders. It cannot easily be labelled yet you can see it and you are moved by it and empowered by it. It isn’t about rules and regulations. I don’t think it can be easily explained either. But you know it is within you and every living creature has a spirit or life force in them.

People talk about reading bibles, praying, doing this or that. Speaking this way or that. Not bad things but it seems anti what is a general life force in all. But as an artist I have learned ‘one word’ can speak so many things to me. It is like I have learned scriptures since I was a baby. They are deeply ingrained in me so I suppose there is good in learning what the bible says. And I live by words I have learned from the bible. I have followed them, learned them off by heart and they truly have given me light, comfort, strength, guidance, yes life etc. I have known of God through them.. What Jesus has done. They were passed on to us as Gods speaking through man to help us. But man can also be imperfect so I sometimes learn to see through the Spirit at what is behind the words and it can change the whole perception.Jesus was the word.. 🙂

I do believe there is much much much more to it all then first meets the eye. Spirit opens up the word to you in ways that transcend human understanding!!

But looking at rainbows, doing art, talking to God in my room in tears and joy and every other emotion I have learned much about HIM too. HE transcends the book about HIM .. I am not throwing away my bible lol.. I just embrace life and spirit and I am so thankful for what HE has done. Giving us life, a beautiful world, words to help us live.. HIMSELF always with us. So much good in the bible. I think though I won’t just speak bible but let it speak through me in my own words and with my own colors. Let HIM speak to me through it and other ways too. It all fits together anyway and it makes sense the more you know the truth and more sense than ever before.

I actually got up, closed the lap top and thought this writing was rubbish at one point today. But I will persist with it because its how I am and where I am. Learning and growing and contemplating GODS Spirit with me and what it all means to me living in this world. I don’t feel right often saying how I feel re people’s opinions especially if I am different to them but I feel just as wrong saying nothing and not acknowledging them.. Everyone deserves to be acknowledged.

I used to say how I feel to people but I don’t know it doesn’t feel good anymore and I think my struggles haven’t helped people only pushed them away and I never meant to do that. I want to be heard and respected for who I am and I want to hear you and respect you too.. So this blog is my way to get it out of me what I believe and feel and struggle with and what I am coming to know and embrace.

I cannot seem to easily express how I feel without coming across wrong. People have deleted me even family and it hurts my heart. It has been hard being different, not easy stepping away from all I once understood and I am coming to terms with what my place is in the world. It can be extremely lonely and I have had to create a type of distance to let my heart be renewed because if I did go back to that old life I have changed and as Jesus Himself said you cannot put new into old. Doesn’t work the same anymore.

I don’t see that God will contradict himself. He doesn’t change unlike us. I just think we might have got it wrong some where and maybe lots of some wheres and it maybe even just a little here and there but like chinese whispers if you don’t hear the message right as it passed from one to another the whole message is completely changed from the original and the more it is passed alone the more different it gets. I think the whole truth is much more wonderful and much more inclusive then we ever thought possible and if we did know even a little more then we do now and then a little more and a little more again etc of the purity of the truth.. it would continue to draw us all closer together as mankind not separate us.

Soul questions and answers

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Three soul questions I asked myself. Written on three pieces of paper. Turned over and shuffled. Than I used colours on those papers. Not knowing what question was on which paper. Than chose collage pieces.. Words and pictures on each as to how I was currently feeling. What images drew me at the moment. I assembled each one and turned over. This is my thoughts on each.. Amazing experience to do. Found through the book “The Artist’s Rule” Christine Valters Paintner..
What does God/HE want me to learn in the midst of where I am currently, how I am currently?



Gold centre.. I have learnt my value in Him. God doesn’t make junk. I’ve found that out through HIM alone and being so alone because of disability and circumstances. The gold was in the middle.. But all around the gold was black.. Hard pressed on all sides. Some yellow in the black because I’ve learnt things.. Important things in hard times. When you blend the colours with water. Gelatos. Gold pretty much stayed pure in the midst of the black. So even though the darkness has tried to shut me down. It’s only made me more intense faith wise and also helped me find my core strength. I look up. It’s not about anything else but HIM really.. Although the person I used to represent myself in this is a child. I am central in my story. I do relate to being childlike. That’s ok. And even though I’m often alone and seems like it’s just about me. It’s actually all about HIM. That’s how HE does HIS thing. It’s an honour. I realise it’s an honour. My Spirit is HOLY. Because of HIM. Love. I know I’m loved. And it definitely doesn’t mean I’m perfected in this whole experience on the outside yet.. In fact my imperfections I must embrace as part of it. Artist. Is just simply telling it in my own way. Look up.. Use it all. Focus on HIM. On love. On Spirit. On limitless spirit. As I am.. Where I am. Opportunities endless.
What is my Spirit desiring at the moment? What is on my heart?



Colour. I want to see beauty I look for it. Open to it all. Variety. Expression that bypasses words. I need to be creative to live this life. . I want to be more honest. Seek truth. Transparency. Of the heart. Freedom. Imagination. Even though I feel majorly shut down in many ways. I still have hope. It’s amazing that the pictures of me I found were large. It’s as if God is saying. It’s ok. How things are and how they seem. Supposed to be that way. It’s how HE uses me. Emotions play a huge part as does the heart. Spiritual longing creates stronger desires. It’s like the more I learn the more I want to learn. More I feel hard pressed. Brings forth beauty. Spills out. Makes me seek HIM more. From my great need I produce life and art and bring forth from that. In simple ways but powerful ways. Desiring freedom. Revealing soul. Going within. Using my spirit and expression. To communicate freely. 
How can I use rejection to work for me and not against me?


I drew a heart but not central. Colours that radiated out from that. It looks now as if it’s a flower. Heart are seeds and the paper and gelatos made a pattern that further made it look like a flower. Like petals around it. What was done on the cross central. There’s freedom there. Forgiveness and restoration. Hope. Peace. Love. All that I could want found there and flows from there. A burning heart within the result. Despite the things done to me and my heart. I need to share and that hasn’t stopped. Seeds only fall when a flower dies. But more flowers come from it. I need peace.. Central to who I am. I will always choose peace over everything else. It’s how I live through the hard times. The assaults on my soul.. I can’t bottle it. I have to tell it. Or write it or share it. It’s who I am at the core. Yellow seems good and holy. And what doesn’t destroy us will shine and bring forth beauty. But even if our very hearts wither and die the seeds within will always do their thing! How artists speak from beyond the grave!

Letting myself bloom and my spirit shine and my passion break free. Being myself despite it all. See that hard things are not me. But rather what has happened to me. Makes me bring forth what is always and already inside. It’s the vehicle for bringing forth what makes me bloom and bring forth my harvest. Even if I was completely destroyed from it. You crush a flower the perfume escapes.

Creative Alchemy

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DAY 8 – DIG DEEPER:
Compare the person you are before you write to the person you are after creative alchemy takes place. Focus on details: how you feel physically, mentally, emotionally — before & after. Compare the pain of doing it to the pain of not doing it.

 
Before — A little tense. A huge hot coffee by my side. I usually do not have a flow till it starts. But I have a desire to get what is in me out. I usually have a good idea of what I want to write. I feel a little heavy in soul. I have a need to do something more. I usually have a huge sense of need to express myself. Need to release. Want to write. I have to be alone. Tv off. Social media off. I often pray because in myself I do not feel that I can say anything worth hearing I need Gods help and direction. I get restless. I have a need to keep going till it is done which is so unlike anything else I do. I do not care so much about the other things in life around me that need doing. Might be dishes that are stacked waiting to be washed. Clothing in the washing machine waiting to be hung out. Bed unmade. I am not in a hurry to do much of all that.
I am aware this is my thing. It is something I can do. It keeps me alive and sane and focused. I am not writing for an audience but I am hoping it is read. That is serves its purpose but I do not write and create for rewards. I basically just have to do it. I do very much enjoy it and it inspires me and I think to myself if I live the life I live and frustration about heavy things I can’t change lifts when I creatively let go. It just might be a help to someone else too to see me keep on keeping on the way I do.

I have a closeted life, I am introverted and deaf and I have faced hard loss in my life. It is like letting a dove in a cage out to be freed. Except the dove is me.

 

After —  I often praise GOD and thank Him I DID something and I got something of my heart and soul out there in the big wide world web because which is where pretty well all my writing and creativity end up. I have seen in my life small inconsequential things that appear to have had little meaning at the time become life altering later on when one looks back or finds out just what it amounted too.

So I release my writing to GOD and let it go. As it is. Simple. Just doing the work no matter what others think or what is the trend others follow. And than let what happens to it and what it means in the wider sense be whatever it will be. Just the container the words and expressions flow through. Be they worth nothing to anyone or something to someone. That is not my concern.

Via my blog or on social media. For all the that sits undone in my house I can feel a real sense of release that something is done and finished and accomplished. Spiritual is to me way more important than physical. To me it is my soul work. It is my calling and my gift to the world. It is what I think I am in this world for. I don’t put a lot of weight on the normal things everyone else sees as important. This soul work is what will remain when I am no more and Internet is so readily accessible world wide your going beyond the little borders of your own little skin suit in the world. Letting your light shine.

I am very grateful for finishing a blog post and hitting publish. There is an overriding sense to check it again. Often in a re-reading I find little mistakes I overlooked. Formatting might have stuffed up and I am not happy with it if the writing is all scrunched up. I like breaks in my writing its easier to read and digest that way. It is a rather silent joy. A little fist pump in the air that only God and I know about it. I do feel much lighter. Maybe a little apprehension putting it out in public and wondering what people will think. For the most I never really do know. So that only lasts a little while. I know if I die without acknowledgment of mankind for my creative life I did what I wanted to do. Said what I wanted to say and enjoyed it and I am free and at peace and joy fills my heart and soul.

Pride Verses Shame.

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This one surprised me.

I have made it my focus not to be ‘religious’ cause that has been a great stumbling block to me. I want freedom of spirit more than anything else.

40+ years of being a certain way, being like everyone else; until you do different: you have no idea how much in a box you are.

So when things come out of me of their own free will when I have thrown off the restraints and what has been my past.. what I write speaks to me too.

WRITING PROMPT Write a two column list. On the left, write 5-10 regrets. On the right, write 5-10 things you’re proud of accomplishing. Take note of the similarities in all of your regrets, all of the differences in your accomplishments. Write about why we are more diverse in our pride than we are in our shame.

 
1. Regret that I have not written every day.
2. Regret that I get afraid to write the truth.
3. Regret that I let others opinions shut me down.
4. Regret that I cannot always see that this is my calling.
5. Regret that I cannot always see that I am enough no matter how others have treated me.
6. I regret I bought into the lie my rising up puts others down.
7. I regret I bought into the lie that life isn’t about me. It is about me and everyone else too. 🙂
8. I regret thinking for one moment I can’t make a difference.

 
1. I am proud that I persist and have not given up.
2. I am proud that I have not stopped shining my light..
3. I am proud that I can express myself uniquely and say it fearlessly.
4. I am proud that I can be fully myself without fear.
5. I am proud that my failures do not define me.
6. I am proud GOD is with me and loves me and stands with me always and that He has given me freedom!!
7. I am proud that I have a voice and I have something to say and I keep saying it.
8. I am proud that my rising up gives others inspiration that they can too!

 
We are diverse in our pride because it’s who we are created to be!! We are formed from HIS perfect image.. Creator of our big beautiful planet also created us.. With all its different and exotic lands but yet similarities in the very cells that make up our  DNA the very fabric of life itself. We each one are highly prized and important and so precious many just have not known it.

Our differences and our unique talents make life interesting and exquisite.. In the way we say things and in the way we do things. Who wants to be the same!! The beauty is in being different! We can all hold our heads up because we are created individually and we all compliment one another. Humanity has believed the lie we all have faults though (see it in the way we treat ourselves, our fellow man, planet and creatures) and yet to know the fullest truth that the spirit within us all unites us and brings freedom to become our fullest selves.. That anything we fail at right now will not ultimately keep us down. We can accept each other because we know all of us are free and equal in worth. Free to embrace each other without fear. We need to emphasize the strengths and not focus on anything else because the time is coming when all of us will know the truth and our world as we know it will be righted. All people and creatures will be appreciated and all seen and known as precious. I am thankful as a believer in Jesus Christ that I know the truth and one day we will all experience heaven on earth. This knowledge will always be a basis in everything I write about and why I enjoy expressing spirit and creatively the way I do and how I hold out hope when things do not appear to be good or make sense or when I am imprisoned by disability of flesh. ❤

 

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I can say it in other ways..

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It’s incredible how easy it is to write the poem in the image.. getting it into that form however wasn’t so easy. 🙂  I kept making errors. I had it all ready to finish and found a spelling mistake, than I found something else etc.. I just think it looks better in image form. Colors, font, even the little icons added.. It was not so easy finding a cross icon either. I had to use various tricks to get that on my image..

I think for the longest time I kept it positive.. but you know when life is difficult you cannot just be positive and stay real. One of the apps I looked for pics to go on the image.. 99% of the pics were positive and that is wrong really. Life isn’t all good all the time. To be real you need to talk about dark things. I guess the cross image many wear and see as a faith icon and I do too.. But having faith is tough too and although we believe and speak love and positive good things we still have to honest with ourselves, others and GOD that it hurts and its hard and we cry and get angry and fail. And of course the cross was an instrument of torture and death. So I feel the cross and arrows really portray what I am saying here.

I have so much stuff inside me to tell but few to nobody to tell.. not without it coming out the wrong way or being completely misunderstood. There is just something about telling things to people who look at you like your crazy or don’t really take things you say into their heart or judge you in the telling or tell you no no no its not like that.. It is like speaking to a closed door or a brick wall.. I don’t mean they have to agree or even like it. I just mean listen with an open heart and open mind and let you freely tell it.

I don’t like burdening the one or two who do listen especially when they do not burden me the same. So when I read the prompt for today this just burst out of me. I get prompts from all over.. I love them..

So many times lately I have had written out face book posts and almost hit post and publicly shared the pain of my soul but anyone who uses social media knows not many can deal with dirty laundry.. the tough stuff.. the dramas of someone’s life. Even if it is truth or real or a major struggle.. I do not know how believers in GOD deal with the heavy stuff.. because let’s face it WE ALL HAVE IT. I guess private meltdowns?? Or perhaps they have a group they meet with and talk about things? A therapist? A spouse or parent or friend? Or they simply just never say it. I would burst I can’t do that. So this seems a less evasive way to deal with it.

Some of us don’t have someone available. My best friend is half a world away and we are in different time zones. You cannot just slot in when you need to talk.. AND I do talk daily to GOD.. because people say well GOD should be enough.. well hello.. everyone talks to someone.. and those who don’t go crazy I think.. because we are created to talk..

Deafness robs me of 95% of conversations I could have.. so yeah poetry seems a great way to express my inner soul and struggles and joys I have..

Unraveling the year behind

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((HIM or words all in capitals (always stands for GOD, Jesus, Holy Spirit) I capitalize it. Its an honor thing.. Acknowledgement of HIM.. ))

My word for 2015 was a string of words.. Your Kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

This is how my word helped to guide me through the last 12 months.

Everything I once knew as Gods Kingdom fades away. It all seems to point back to me. To what is held inside this fragile container. Kingdom of God within. Outer crowded in. Outer world/relationships things I once relied on crumbled away, falling short.
I found HE really loves me.  Loves all of us. No one excluded. When your eyes are opened even a little more. See HIM in everything. Yet it doesn’t hem you in. And most definitely not controlling. Most appears hidden and that is so it can be deliciously found and enjoyed. HE wants it to be an adventure. Where even the bad parts are working for good. Like Dorothy and the ruby slippers. You have everything you need with you. You just didn’t know it. Although its been a dry year. Takes your eyes off flesh living to Spirit. Spirit is abundance. Freedom. Creativity. Abounding love, peace and joy.Its connection.. It’s greater. Spirit is everywhere. Even people who aren’t aware you can see “Spirit” alive in them. It is more than life. It’s operating whether you realize it or not. Holiest of Holy is in us. Beautiful. The new has come!! All done for us.. just need to discover it!! I don’t have to be religious!

GOD really has a plan to save us all!!!! Here and now..  Jesus made that possible!!

What did I embrace in 2015?

Creativity. HIM sometimes there was minuscule going on with me.
Rest.

What did you let go of in 2015?

Let go of being around certain people, let go of what people would think, (battle).. Let go of thinking of why certain things happened like they did..

What changed for you in 2015?

(Great sadness, rejection and low feelings) seemed to have moved past it. Amazingly without Drs, medication, people or things really changing. HIS power evident in my weakness. Not to be afraid of weakness and emotions.. Mind you I was very reclusive in 2015..

What did you discover about yourself in 2015?

Spirit is stronger. God isn’t about judgement. No fear in love. You can slip and slide into areas you never thought you would. God stays by your side. Moves you on without it destroying you or consuming you. Hope for everyone.

What were you most grateful for in 2015?

HIS strength. HIS unchanging love. Creativity and expression. Children. Justin’s kindness (former husband). Dustin’s friendship through thick and thin. (online overseas friend). SIL Lisa support and understanding. She told me things that helped.. Journalling. Recent Torquay beach holiday with almost all my children.. Oldest daughter finishing uni..

What did fear hold you back in 2015?

When I looked at all I fall short at. When I look at the way people have treated me. When I struggled to understand why things happened the way they did. When people continued to not know my heart and judge me according to who they think I am rather than who I actually am.
When I stopped expressing myself I shut down.. Fear of what people think..

When did you practice bravery in 2015?

Not completely losing it. Facing difficult people again. Speaking out at times. Letting things go. Finding peace in storms. Fighting battles no-one knew about even though they were present. When I haven’t been believed about what is happening to me.

What surprised you in 2015?

Good things happening to me even when I did nothing to deserve them.

What made you smile in 2015?

My children. Humor wherever it springs from. Sharing on face book. When somebody sees my heart. Children anywhere. Finding treasures at op shops/ thrift stores. Putting myself out there when not many noticed or responded simply because I loved doing it.. Continuing to do it..

What conclusions did you reach in 2015?

For all that didn’t happen. All the trials. I can smile and be at peace. Know GOD is with me. Know hope. Believe that somehow it is all working together for good.

These questions I found and signed up for through this site.. you can get a  FREE 5-day email class to help you figure out your word for the coming year.

Find Your Word for 2016