Tag Archives: Spirit

Eternity in my Heart

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Eternity in my Heart

I want to write. I want to write. Such a good feeling when inspiration bursts out of you isn’t it..

Exactly as my digital art is portraying today is how it feels. The original inspiration is not mine but it is all my own drawing. No tracing.. I have a coffee beside me. I feel happy and free. It is cold outside my window. Grey sky and cold air. There are bright yellow daffodils that are dancing in the wind. I love the garden outside my bedroom window.

I did have to push myself to finish that art last night.. I actually prayed. LORD this is taking so long and as I zoomed in on the digital painting there was so many pixels that were not right. Yeah the bad thing about digital art is you can zoom right in close and it’s not always pretty. I will say I am not really an artist. I don’t really know what I am doing. I haven’t done many classes or even seen a class live or sell my art. I cannot always understand what the artists I watch via the Internet are doing because often I cannot hear the instructions. I really do feel novice when it comes to following even things I can see. I am not putting myself down. Some people have gifts and talents and they just do things exceptionally well and pick it up quickly. I am not gifted.. I can do things but it is a bit hit and miss for me. I am learning and improving but I don’t feel near where I could be if the talent was already inside of me and honestly you know people notice and are drawn to talent and as nice as the people are who notice my art and I am so thankful for those who support me. My art isn’t wowing the masses and that is ok.. LOL Definitely not a natural at it. I am still so thankful for being able to share it and be free with it as I am. It keeps me going I tell you.

I prayed LORD I do not want to give up. Help me. And HE really did help me. I believe I finished enough to be personally satisfied. My youngest daughter saw it last night and liked it. My bestie in Canada said it was ‘nice’ lol.. But I like it and I am happy with it.. I see GODS hand upon me helping me because it could have been so easy to just not finish it.
Thank You LORD I see your hand on me that I got it done and your strength and power in me that I am writing today and that I feel so happy and inspired because there has been days it has been a struggle to even do the basic things. Because this art it says so much how I feel and ohh that is a miracle of sorts to get that out of me.

My life is very stay at home even before we were ordered to stay at home. Art expression is another world to me.. Helps me bring what is inside to the outer and when I share it I honestly feel like fist pumping the air it feels that good. Like my inner introvert self has become just for a moment an extrovert.

I often feel like I am in a world of my own and although in my art it is depicted as pretty art or even inspirational art.. It is because I love the world around me and it is because my art depicts my spiritual world..

I see God in the world around me and it strengthens my faith.. gives me zest for life despite difficult days. Living from my Spirit is to me more important then physical life..

So hence the flower field where the woman is standing but she is standing alone and that is significant.. The sunset is behind her and I am so thankful for sunsets, flowers, gardens and animals.. Many earthly things like that in our world are daily inspiring to me. Despite disabilities. Despite trials and tribulations there is still much beauty and comforting things around us.. I am aware of them and they help me get through this life and the life I have been given.

But I do still struggle. Quietly. I do not like to burden people with my trials. I mean I would talk their ears off lol if they gave me long enough because look at this picture. I cannot communicate easily being deaf.. I am an emotional creature and I hardly talk to anyone much and I feel so many many things. My online bestie in Canada some days, many days I struggle to think of things to say and the chat is very limited it is a miracle he stays a friend. It is hard when you do not communicate much you kind of lose the ability to say it out loud. I have all of this stuff inside me though.. And just like in my digital painting it is going to burst out.. It needs too. LOL.. And I am so thankful when I can write because that small trickle I usually have to contend with.. it gets to running a nice steady stream here. And I have to write like this despite the lack of people to read it or be around me to hear it. I have to burst out somewhere and at least this way people have the choice to read or not and I am not annoying them with a one sided blast of things I feel and think and hope etc..

Heaven is better.. Is the name of a recent heading in a daily devotion book I use not so daily.. Lol. But I have been using it sometimes.. When I have struggle days when Netflix becomes a welcome escape but still you finish watching it and there’s a longing for more that doesn’t seem to be fulfilled.

I like to imagine myself in heaven. What it would be like to step into it from this life I live. A daydream if you will. This devotion ties in nicely with this art too.

In my devotional this scripture was at the bottom of the page. ‘Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of the man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.’

1 Corinthians 2:9

A niece Kayla when she was much smaller gave me that verse years ago. I never forgot it I think it was a Sunday school project or something. Some things stick in your memory and when they resurface they encourage you.

So like my art expression encourages me.. So does dreaming of heaven.

Of imagining stepping into heaven which is like another world from this one to a place where I am not disabled, where there is no relationship drama. I mean anyone I meet there you’d have connection with.. No shame. No sadness. No one turning away from you because you were strange.. In heaven they’d all welcome you and you would relate to anyone I mean oh wow.. You would have no fear. No failure. You would never feel alone or separate to everyone else and the world would be full of love, acceptance and belonging. Warmth.. Light.. Colors but you wouldn’t be alone with it or feel alone.. And you could be fully you there in every sense. And the LORD would be there. Face to face.. Imagination is a good thing.. Light and love and beauty.. GOD with us but visible.. I found there was no rush to see HIM even stepping into heaven using imagination or funnily enough no rush to see family that have passed on already I guess even in my imagination you are aware that eternity is forever so there’s no rush.. that peace I already know here on earth is there too.

Maybe living the way I have concentrating more on Spirit I am more aware of HIM here with me and on the days I am heaven minded or spiritual minded I do not feel my aloneness and I am content as I am.
I love how the mind and spirit can be at peace even as you imagine. Heaven inside seems to burst out of me here on this page. I feel so happy right now. Even though truthfully there are nights I have cried for a human to love me and be beside me and cried because my heart longs for meaningful connections. The physical world and spiritual world are so different. Polar ends to each other yet our spirit lives in our body.. Fascinating when you think of it.

Yet despite limitation’s and frustrations in my physical world.. My Spirit is content even as I am when I live from it. Otherworldly power at work that lifts your mind, heart, emotions upwards which draws you away and apart from all the lower things and you will notice that earthly things and concerns seem not to matter at all. The things that might confuse, sadden, rob, destroy you and even as amazing as the physical world is.. there is as God says much much more to come..

Higher life and more amazing life to live IS possible than even I can imagine.

I hope my thoughts, my spirit, my art.. God experienced through my imperfect self encourages you right where you are.. Eternity is not just for when we die..

It is within us and at our work in us.. even now.

Hearts Content

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Writing about my art expression is one thing that makes me feel very happy.
I created it without too much thought just whatever moved me today. Images I chose resonated with me and how I put it together sort of just flowed from intuition and I love that I can see so much deeper meaning in it.

I have been concentrating my last few art journal pages on using a piece of Christian art every time in my lay out. Each art lay out has been compromised of double pages. I build my lay out around the Christian art piece I’ve chosen.
First one was based on some writing off a stained glass window that I liked. 2nd one had an angel in it and this one has Jesus Christ and He is larger then life in this one. 🙂

The little human figure represents me.. As I was doing my pages I found it really hard to make the human that represents me to stand out.. It tended to be completely blending in and dull compared to the rest of the pages. But that is exactly how I myself feel in this world.. Small, hard to see and I definitely do not stand out in any way.. So I love the way these pages resonate my life, my feelings about my life, my heart, my spirit and basically how I see my world.

On one side I based it on a church or temple.. Christ on that side is central he’s seen that way in life and art and worshiped physically in the church building. His figure is large and luminous as the church exists to be all about Him and its where (we) His people gather to honor Him.. And HE is everything to me personally and He is what life and faith flow from. He is what I focus on. And then I placed myself on the other side of the page sitting on a rock. Christ is said to be a rock of our salvation.. Sitting cross legged as I often do.. On my butt.. Right where I am. Is where I believe He is. I don’t feel my life is based on anything physical that I do or contribute. I rest a lot. I sit a lot. I try to be honest about myself. My inactivity as well as my creativity.

The image that represents me. Cross legged sitting in the spiritual world showing that I am relying on God more then myself or my own physical efforts. Outside the temple/church physical building if you will. Because I have not attended for many years. But I put Jesus Christ as reaching out to me. So close. Seeing me. I am aware of Him by faith not sight or performance. And I do see him perse in my little world (her eyes are closed as she sits on her rock) but I am aware of Him by faith. I need to trust that He is there with me and focus on the Kingdom within in order to live as I do. Spirit which includes us all and is everywhere not contained and although I grew up and it is because of the “church/temple” contained within walls and ‘Chritianity’ that I learnt about Him. I am content to worship Him in Spirit and Truth and that may appear to be sitting apart and differently to the majority but I do believe the church is all of us where we are worshiping Him. For me this just means its more personal.

The darker parts.. The grey.. The rocks piled around me. Showing that it has been hard and the rocks also represent the frustrations I have had with different people and how they see and treat me and that has become like a wall around me.. Made it difficult.. Not particularly pretty or have I concentrated on making it beautiful. But rather it’s that knowledge of Christ with me always and that He knows my heart and sees me that makes all the difference and gives me strength to turn towards Him at all times. Awareness of Him that brings the growth, life and beauty to my world and even when that beauty is crushed and its difficult and impossible He’s given me a way to share my faith that blooms beyond even what I could imagine. I am looking to HIM and living with awareness of Him. Beauty is still there and I bloom and flower throughout adversity because of faith that is always empowered solely by His Spirit..

Therefore my heart can be content.. because of the content..

****

Deep Speaks to Deep

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Took my time with this one I may not get through many of the Advent words in the list I’m very loosely following.. I do find it hard to stick with something and I have many unfinished art pieces to back that up.

Today’s word is Creator.. I was watching a wild life documentary and incredibly beautiful whales were swimming.. A drone captured the whales from directly above and oh my it’s what inspired this art but I couldn’t get a good photo off the TV..

I searched for an image.. and loved one I found with sun rays streaming down.. Which have been my ‘thing’ and one of the ways I’ve felt and seen God in my world.. There was a period of time when they appeared in the sky almost every time I walked.. it was phenomenal really but I don’t think anyone else really noticed this though I did post quite a few photos on social media during this time..

Most of the things that encourage me are usually just things I see daily that might only seem to be for me.. such things keep me going and although I do share so many times I’m one of the only ones really enthusiastic about it..

I didn’t trace I haven’t for awhile now.. drawing ✍️ everything myself and of course digitally it’s easier to try and retry until it looks the way you want..

God is the mighty creator of every creature and I guess it makes you think more on the wonder of creation when you create your own art.. I love love love deep things.. so the deep of the ocean where these beautiful whales are swimming up towards the light resonates with my soul.. the light beams that are HIS presence and glory and yet there they are in the depths which often I’ve experienced personally as well..

I’m AMAzed even myself with this art and I kept putting it down while working on it thinking to myself.. I don’t think I can get it right.. it’s too much work. it takes too long.. but I did keep at it. And love what I’ve created.. it’s different to the photo so even though it’s inspired by the original photo it’s not the same. I love how my creative spirit actually over takes me and helps me with how to do it and gives me ideas as to what might work.. And either though I do not know what I’m doing lol I am actually doing it..

We know environmentally world wide oceans are feeling the devastating results of pollution, the greed of mankind and the effects of global warming and whales are often hunted and it’s absolutely heart breaking. The darkness of the earth was in my mind too as I did my art.. and how I resonate with that fear of what is happening to our planet and for us as mankind re pollution and how mankind’s greed affects us all and how we prefer to destroy rather then care..

But as an artist soul you take such care when you create and it opens your heart and eyes to more of the small details… so you know that you know that you know that God the most awesome Creator of all.. Has put so much attention to detail into our world that of course He isn’t just idly sitting by and letting it all go to waste.. HE truly loves and cares for us all.. and He has always had a plan in action and we do good to dwell on that at this time of year.. Advent reminds me of the divine glory of creation and even more the absolute perfection of the earth as it was at the beginning and still we can see that beauty even now in our world.. The Master Creator and Designer has not abandoned us. We can rest when we look up to the light.. that He will take care of everything if we can keep our minds stayed on Him and live by our Spirit.. We have to keep looking up, do what we can do and treasure our world and value ourselves and the creatures and ask Him for guidance along the way.. We can trust HIM with the future..

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A Gentle Soul

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If you are ever going to know someone personally.
If you are ever going to see a soul.
It is in how one expresses themselves.
And no. Not in how one dresses. Or in how one spends their time.
One is seen when the heart is expressing itself freely without fear.
It’s when you can best view the essence of ones spirit.

Soul flows best when one doesn’t expect it to be one way or another but just accept it as  it is. No force is needed.. its just natural and harmonious.
When we are fully living as we are created to be it invites us all to be at peace.
We all can enjoy our own individuality but also as each takes our rightful place in the circle of life we just fit better together.

How much I have loved creating this digital painting.
I cry even writing about this.
It is a painting of my son and I love him so.
He even helped me name this art piece.
Which I will further explain.
An art piece is as much about the artist as it is about the matter or person\subject painted and it is also as much about how the artist feels about it personally.. as to how it is portrayed.

I was letting my soul/spirit paint..

This young man. This beautiful young man.. This gentle soul is my second eldest son.. Yes I know I share him with his dad too but for the sake of my personal writing and feelings I will use my instead of our.

I also want to thank GOD.. I had started this art way back maybe 2 months ago?
I stopped as I do with many things I take on.. But last night and today I picked it up again.. And I have been determined to finish it.
I got very frustrated with parts of it that I have worked on over and over for ages..
To be honest I asked God for help.. I just couldn’t get it to go the way I wished.. I do not really think I have talent perse because I am lazy and I procrastinate so I do not deserve to have that said about me. But I can see that now it is finished I am happy and God somewhere along the way has come alongside of me and helped me that is obvious. I want to honor him by giving thanks!!
I really like it now and somewhere along the way I started doing different things and kept doing and redoing them till I was happy with it and I really love how it has turned out.

I added hot pink in it to show my spirit and soul working. I added gold and orange to show GODS vitality of spirit working with me and helping me bring forth the essence.

I believe Spirit in art and life is most important. I love the abstract bright colours so they just complete the background perfectly and make Keanu kinda shine.. To me it all resonates the absolute worth of acknowledging Spirit.. I’ve experienced it right here and now doing this art and writing and it just beautifully means everything fits together perfectly even if it appears imperfect..

Keanu is a beautiful soul. And yes my mother, his grandmother and I both agree a gentle soul.

He has not had it easy this year.. He doesn’t have a job and as I am on a disability pension, single mum, don’t have a paying job and no longer have dependent children. I too am on a very low income and you just cannot do the things everyone else does.. I understand how difficult it is not having a lot of cash and what one would call a standing in the community. People do look at you differently when you haven’t got much money and can even discredit you. It affects how you look, where you go, how you interact with others and how you leave your footprints in this world and I think even how you present yourself.
It means there is only so much you can do and you tend to withdraw from everything where you do not fit, can’t afford it and which also means people need to help you financially if you wish to interact with them..

I am so thankful for souls that have been so generous with me!!!

But in general I do not focus on my outward self very much which unfortunately also means I keep my physical self absent from many but on the upside expressively speaking I see my art in the world as also my presence. That probably doesn’t count the same to many though.

I don’t just want my art piece of Keanu to be something only for private viewing so art gives me a reason and a purpose to be somewhere and sharing it a reason to show up. This is where my heart can best be found.. I freely let my soul pour out here with many words that I just do not have the same liberty or ease to share deeply with anyone in the normal physical world. I actually need this.. like air to lungs.. or water to a parched desert.

I can even take heart in the hours of pouring myself into digital art, hours spent honing my writing and working my skills into what feels like a meaningful connection even though I am sitting alone in my bedroom…

Time and emotions are my commodity which is thankfully something I do have a lot of to give and as it has always been so with my creativity it is always such a joy to share it even when sometimes nobody is here reading and very little is flowing back to me.

To share ones creative heart to me is Spiritual life and I truly hope it’s not just a selfish one sided pursuit, but that it is a continual freely giving of myself and sharing my faith which will or does do something for even one other soul.. To me it feels a fullness that never ends once it starts flowing and I think it does vibrate my essence out into the world as only Spirit can and wonderfully internet takes all that I have to offer to even the other side of the world. I can’t wait till I finally come into what is actually happening in this creative journey because God doesn’t waste anything it all means something.. I just have not been privy to much greater meaning for it on a human level apart from the joy of sharing and some looking at it online and two very supportive online friends who’ve cared about my art/heart and writing through the years.

Online is where we gentle but passionate hearts can release all that burns inside when we don’t find anywhere and anyone physically to bring it forth too or even can in such a way as to be heard and seen daily..

You cannot gain a thing from the worth of a soul in just knowing the physical body until you start interacting with them and for us introverts we can take heart here cause what we lack in physically putting ourselves out there we can focus on the spiritual and there’s no barriers here and I don’t believe it’s for nothing..

That is why I can be at peace working on bringing Keanu’s spirit into digital art form and sharing my thoughts and feelings on it via this blog and I have given him a kind of vitality and beauty of soul realm that may perhaps look more perfect of form then I meant it too. But if you look closer you will see I also worked in sort of a scribbly detail too. The scribbles keep true to my kind of messy soul and roughness of life and the way life can be too.
And you can only see them when you view it up closely.. I think true value and worth has to not just be from first glance and especially not from others opinion but rather from a deeper introspection. It is also when you do not just see and judge the scribbles as imperfection but value them as part of the whole that makes one unique and I think all the more interesting.

Worth of soul only comes from knowing where true value lies and that is where God looks too and you really do grow to a much greater depth in life to partake of it. You can draw that essence deep into yourself. Not only noticing the outward but dwelling on the richness of what really matters.. Ones greatest treasure rises from within and if we give it wings and value it.. it brings a richness to everything else I think.. It is incredibly powerful to live from Spirit because this is the realm where God says the Kingdom of heaven is to be found.. In us.. Wow!!! I guess when it all boils down I hope my art shows this realm.. This realm which flows from within us and gives us so much abundance. The true value of a soul is found here!!!

The name of the painting isn’t just because Keanu is a gentle soul. It came from a conversation we both had not too long ago..

The other day I was asking him why not approach your dad who is manager of security at our local city hospital and even other major aged care units in the city too. As manager he is responsible for many security staff and is often looking out for new guards.. Often in the last few weeks and also at various times in the past he’s had to cover shifts on top of his normal busy job as manager when there isn’t enough staff.
I know hiring family is not the done thing, isn’t encouraged at all and hasn’t been an option.. But humanly I get so fed up sometimes that Keanu really needs work and they do at times require staff and his Dad IS the Manager. So to me it seems silly to not be considered when he is always available, able to work and also needs work?!?!

Anyway he said to me recently along these lines ((as a deaf person I cannot quote word for word EVER))

“Mum security work isn’t the sort of work I am interested in…”

I am like hmmm… impatiently and loudly emphasising the hmm

Both Keanu and his father get frustrated with me cause I have asked before and haven’t yet given up asking.. lol.. Security work of course does take a certain kind of person though. Not everyone is suited..

Keanu also added..

“But Mum..

I am a gentle soul…”

Ohh… be still my heart.. Yes Lol.. Of course he is..
I am much the same myself.. He is my son after all..

I smile.. And go ahhh yes of course Keanu.. I just love that he said that… that he says that about himself. It is so important to accept such things about ourselves such as being gentle etc

So yes I do understand you have to be a certain type of person to be in that line of work and yes I do agree being in this kind of work isn’t the best for gentle souls like us and YES… my son IS indeed a gentle soul.<3 ❤

…….

Take Courage My Heart

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I wish I could just do art and not go into it but sometimes I just need to explain some more.. I do not even know what it means till I look at it after I create it and then think about it some.. then it amazes me how meaningful it is.

I rarely if ever plan.

This art piece came to me in pieces. It is based off a photo. A photo that means a lot to me and I always knew I would want to do an art piece on it since I took it but yeah ask my youngest daughter I am never in a hurry.

The photo was taken on recent holidays to the beach. Family holiday that included my mother, brother, sister, both my siblings families and also my 5 children! It was a fantastic time!

The photo was taken on the last day after we had already left the accomodation and actually it was because for once in my life I made a plan and that is how everyone came to be there… Coffee at the beach cafe together before taking off for home!

I did not notice the pigeon at the time.. my sister did and told me. It was sitting on a ledge above the coffee house tables in an outdoor area where the family was sitting.

White birds appearing have been a thing for me. I see it as an encouragement from GOD. It is incredibly life affirming and personal for me…

Now the reason this one really inspired me to take a photo, do an art piece and write about it is…
That only moments before I saw it I had sent a friend request to my sister via face book. We had not been connected on face book for quite some time and for years have had a distant relationship.. At my request.

That is not something I care to explain in full in this writing. I will just say that it was something I felt strongly I needed to do.. I did not take it lightly but unfortunately I do not think many people understood my side or my feelings etc.. it actually made my life harder in many ways.. But I do take pride in the fact I stood up against things that were hurting my soul and causing me harm.. I do believe I have healed up with Gods help and because I did not do the easy thing but stood against it God has rewarded me..

For all that I lost God gave me greater gains.. one of those things has been taking a whole new path in art expression which has really been birthed out of a long and difficult period of my life..

I have found my peace perse about it. And will add that I had for awhile desired to change things but it didn’t seem the right time and it was on this holiday I decided it was the right time..

And therefore that is why I decided to add my sister back on my face book and it was my quiet way to take a step towards reconciliation and strangely nobody has said anything at all about it since lol but that is very normal.

At this point only moments later my sister saw the bird.. I also added a small message to say that I thought we should keep the momentum of the holiday going but that it was totally her choice to add or not add me back.

I had simply done all this while quietly sitting at the table surrounded by family typing it out on my iPhone before hitting send.. It was actually quite a huge thing for me because Face book is a place where I can communicate without deafness robbing from me and it’s been my safe place..

But nobody noticed and that has been the way it has been all along.. I for the most part have had to deal with it alone.

So perhaps there is significance in this quiet and gentle way I dealt with it. Humanly I have no idea why nobody talks about such things but we just don’t.

I do not think Shell (nickname for Rachelle) would have even seen the request at the time and didn’t appear too for a little while after perhaps even the next day I cannot remember now.

The encouragement for me was almost straight after I made that deliberate choice Shell saw the white pigeon and told me.

I had seen a similar white pigeon on a ledge of the Darwin hospital way back in 2007 when baby Tyler was in NICU which encouraged me then too.. I think I was 6 floors up at that time..

So to see this bird after I made a huge personal choice to seek peace seemed to me a sign from GOD it was indeed the very right time.

So my art today is symbolic of GODS Spirit and presence with me and to me it’s absolutely crucial to inspire me to keep looking up and not at what is or what is not happening.. Seeing that HE is helping me when I most need it. And too of course that my sister showed me the white bird resonates that even our enemies will be at peace with us.. Not that I call or ever called my sister an enemy but I know the enemy of souls uses people close to us to cause us harm.. And the enemy has certainly tested me to the extreme limits through a few close relationships and it hasn’t only been testing that’s come via my sister but with myself and her it got to the point I just broke down because the spirit I struggled with in a previous close relationship was attacking me through her as well. It was too similar and I couldn’t bear up under it any more.

Definitely seeing this bird at such a time shows me HIS peace and that I can trust the decision I made.. HE has never made me feel wrong in taking the stand I did rather people made me feel wrong.. I felt peace thankfully even when so many appeared to turn their backs on me and I lost support that perhaps could have helped me find strength and fortitude much much sooner..

I was broken.. and I needed to heal.. But true healing can only really come through God alone.

But I cannot keep looking backwards and surmise as it does not do one any good.. I tend to move forward and simply let go and let God.. The sign to me I was doing the right thing at the right time even despite the hardships has always been peace in my spirit.. I have never lost that since this moment above, nor have I felt anxious! I just tend to look to God not people.

There was a light bulb lit just like this below the bird on the day and in the photo too of course.. which I so love that I can capture this in my art piece.. His light with me. His presence and also symbolic that my prayer and heart cry has always been for my light to so shine and I believe for all that has happened the darkness has definitely not overcome me!!!

A very good sign to have the light shining in this art piece and it symbolizes that GOD has always been my guide and always will be and HE will take care of all things that have not been addressed re my past and that seemed an invisible battle to almost everyone and that nobody even seems to have noticed much then or now… but I take heart that they are certainly important to HIM and I can find complete rest for all things.

And wonderfully I want to and can share it now.. even if nobody knows the greater why..

One last note.. it is also my wedding anniversary today or would have been.

29 years since I married on this very date.. 10 years of being single ohh lol.. which is not so fun.. it’s hard I get lonely.. I find it hard at times seeing others celebrating love and all that and keep it to myself now cause I do not wish to take away any of someone else’s good feelings..

I wanted to stay married but my then husband did not.. it worked out though as we were not happy together and we are better friends now.. I’m just thinking about the date today and all that it means to me.. nobody has said anything.. just me thinking so this art piece comforts me today too.. God was with me in my past, is with me now in my present, & He is also already in my future so I can cherish the peace I experience and treasure these moments in my heart and from all this my heart takes courage..

****

She Remembered

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I read those words in a novel I am currently reading and they stood out and motivated me to create this art and make a perfect heading.

Absolute struggle for me personally of late and this time I have told nobody except God alone. I don’t think I have ever done that before. Especially considering the intensity of it. I had a night of disturbed sleep and very dramatic dreams and I was struggling with what it all personally meant to me. Alone with it but I went straight to GOD and it was enough!! Peace came.. An absolute complete turn around in me.

The girl or woman figure in the painting is in black and white. No colour in her world. She craves it but you cannot change things sometimes no matter how hard you want it changed. I knew immediately that she was going to be in black and white and you were only going to see half of her face. She is right there easily accessed awake and waiting. But she’s struggling.

I wanted to add these words too which were my own truth.

She fails. She hurts. She’s anxious. She doubts. She has faults. She needs.

But what strikes me in my own life as I created this is that I can so very easily interpret it right here and there is so much meaning and I don’t intend for it, or work for it or even have to think it out. But yet I am able to easily see it in what I have created that it is flowing out of me with absolute ease..

I can tell you I am not one to easily explain myself to anyone even those closest to me and yes I didn’t recently tell anyone either even though it was such an intense battle I was facing. In fact my hardest battles have mostly been fought on my own. So it is from all this that my art expression in this painting finds its outlet.. And there’s this incredible difference between flesh and spirit and how I face the world when I live via one as opposed to the other.

So my black and white portrait despite the struggle is up nice and close, even in her rawness shes not staying small. She is incredibly upfront and vulnerable but to me that is bravery. My life too has been incredibly hidden yet I believe and can see that at least art wise, creative wise I am up front.

She is looking straight ahead. I find such strength here despite the fact I am writing raw words, hard words. Even void of colour she is still head forward, eyes opened and I think very fearless.
The painting is depicting that moment where she is remembering HIM and all that HE has become to her on her journey and how when that comes into the light faults don’t even matter in fact we can be shamelessly bold. I know I quote this alot. When I am weak HE is strong but I am going to take it even a step further because the well known verse talks about being able to boast about it and that this is exactly how best HIS help is seen in us and through us.. And it is exactly how it is in my life to especially me.

But here I think you can best see the juxtapose of my painting. The frail human next to the strong figure of Jesus who is the Christ yet they stand level and together as one. In HIS rich and vivid colours HE is full of beauty, majesty and also ever present help and is accessible to me but it is not by sight but by faith so I chose to have his eyes closed because HE is my rest and my comfort and I don’t need to see him to know HIM. I also believe that I can fully trust HIM to bring together all my loose ends and all that troubles me and it will be a great ending despite some very hard and long chapters..

I know many talk of walking and talking with HIM.. Hearing HIM and even seeing HIM.. I haven’t had that to a great extent in my life. It has been a pure faith walk.. Spiritual battle that is way beyond my strength and ability to cope and even make sense of… So I find incredible fortitude when peace fills my heart despite all that comes against me and all that falls away and all I fail at. Gives me rock solid unsinkable hope.

Changes the atmosphere around me and I can find my rhythm and express my faith in a way that paints purpose into my life and I also get the joy that comes because I share that with you. I resonate also with the red colours on his face.. There is pain in HIS face mixed with royal beauty and majesty and I resonate with the suffering HE went through coming to earth to live as a fragile human to help me find and access eternal life on earth even before I die.

This painting so lifts up my spirit because its so meaningful to my life, journey and testimony but its also honest about where I am and I who I am and I hope and pray you can see HIS strength because it is absolutely life changing especially when I have been so fragile and it is radiating in me so strong and beautifully even though people close to me only partly see me and that for the most part I have felt so black and white in this world ..

I don’t want to impress people with my talents that is not my desire at all. I want to show what GOD has done to help me through my difficulties and I know my weakness shows that up better then my strengths ever could.. HE is so real to me and so present. The inspiration behind the painting.. The creative ideas came from HIM. I had nothing I was nowhere even close to creating something like this but HE just makes that much difference and the peace that comes I mean you need no props and it didn’t come from anyone else at all so anyone can have all this as well right where you are and right now as you are. I truly was all those things I wrote. I just desire with all my heart to show what HE does for the fragile soul for the soul that struggles in this world and does not understand what is going on. But who can find hope, purpose and joy just in being who I am, and encourage you to find all these as you are and through who we are created to be… faults and all.

I was struggling but when I remembered it made all the difference..

HE is
I AM
LOVE
PEACE
TRUTH
LIFE

****

“Meg, I give you your faults.”
“My faults!” Meg cried.
“Your faults.”
“But I’m always trying to get rid of my faults!”
“Yes,” Mrs. Which said. “However, I think you’ll find that they’ll come in handy on Camazotz.”

From the movie ‘Wrinkle in Time’

30 day Art Challenge

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Day #6 (randomly sharing here)

Create a piece of art using collage that reflects your ideal life as revealed by the Holy Spirit.

So easy these days in the Spirit which for me is in the creative realm.

It comes and I know it’s meaning straight away .. it may seem simple.. but it is such a powerful message if you can see it with spiritual eyes.. The eyes of your heart being enlightened..

But as my Collage shows.. Support is critical.. I smiled with the word mass tacked on to critical.. the meaning of those two words together says it all..

I truly believe with support I can best/better fit the role I’m meant to fill in in this life.. And it will be for more then just me.. I believe even now when I’m so often a loner it’s a word for the masses.. But the isolation hasn’t stopped me. I keep sharing.. keep speaking.. keep the faith..

My daughter gave me the Frankie magazine that all these elements on this page came from in this collage. The first time I saw the orchestra circle I knew it was a message for now.. first element I chose today..

Then the Secret Message Society magazine that I subscribe too all the way from USA came yesterday.. with the little keep card that says..

I tighten my circle..

Ohh how it all fits.. and it appears it’s what’s been happening to me too. A sign when I’m perplexed by who isn’t close and about that physical gulf around me..

I will photograph it and create a copy of the card to add to the collage later to keep it for display.. but it fits so well so for now it sits on the page so I can share it with you..

A poem I wrote this morning when I woke up and couldn’t sleep..

Like a great big gulf.

Where I am.

From where others are.

Like a lake at night.

Look across and see tiny lights on the other side..

That’s how I feel. Those lights are people to me.

So distant..

I talk to God HE is with me.

HE is with those across the lake.

HE is over the lake.. HE is in the gulf.

I am not sad. I am not anxious.

I am aware I am held in this place.

What does my inner child need to know.

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“Loneliness does not come from having no people around, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.” Carl Jung

Something a face book friend Avalon Indigo Moonsong posted yesterday on her face book got me headed in the direction of attending my inner child.

She posted… “Many of us are traumatized children who still desperately want to be seen and heard — forcefully living in the bodies of adulthood.” by Feliciana Cacciapuoti-Mathew .. along with more thoughts which I also very much liked!

I have already shared here on my blog previously two parts of a series I’ve taken part in called “Into the Shadow” by Tracy Algar so the post from Avalon really reminded me of part three which I had still yet to do and it just seemed so right to think about it. Part 3 called ‘Inner child’ fits exactly. So I did an art piece (see below) based on what my inner child needs to know. Link to part 3 which will open another page to the site. Here.

The main image in my art is traced from a photo on the Internet via an ipad ap “Art Rage”. I was looking for a photo of an adult looking into a child’s face/eyes at the child’s eye level showing a real intimate connection between the two. This image seemed just right and resonated with me. I just traced it on my ipad and then printed my drawing. Colored it in with oil pastels using normal computer paper and then used ink spray and a dauber with black ink along with some acrylic paint through stencils for the background.

I want this art to express my thoughts on why the quotes and also on what Tracy has shared on her website resonate with me.  Plus also what it represents to me currently in my life.

I wanted the image to show my inner child face to face with anyone who values me and my need to feel and express my emotions and share my truth and passions as I am.  I have often craved strong encouragement to keep going in my life simply because I feel so vulnerable and weird to keep sharing and expressing myself as I do and I have felt so alone in this journey because few around me have been the same or recognized this heart cry in me.  So I have always tended to stick to myself and go inwardly instead ( except when I am sharing) and I’ve created worlds where I could be as fully me as possible. Many times I’m alone in even these worlds. Or I just shut down in a way and I guess my inner child feels neglected and why bother.

I have not always felt understood, accepted or valued as I am either in childhood or adulthood and I have often felt extreme loneliness.. Explained well by the very first quote I shared here in this post. I found that quote at the beginning of part three of “Into the Shadow”.

I am reminded at this point of the scripture “Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands.” 2 Timothy 1:6 I know that might seem like a weird verse to think of at this time. But the stirring up by another’s hands seems similar to what my inner child needs..

And that is that this endless tiredness of soul because I am putting my heart out in the world unseen which leads me to always be searching and desiring and longing for attention and nurturing and when I seem not to be its hard to keep doing it the same

I see that this need to be valued does actually have a reason behind it. That I am actually much less a person because of this lonely struggle and of course I am not going to feel oh goody lets go do it some more…

To be reminded that although I am a unique person in doing this I am not weird or need feel so awkward..  I can feel brave and precious and that it is OK to be supported to bring forth my fullness of inner being as well as blossom in my adult outer being too.

I need encouragement. We all do. But we each also need to know that we are loved and important as we are and how we are.

Therefore I see that when I struggle to be affirmed by another person it’s not cause I am weak or selfish or it’s a bad thing to be different to others and even the bible agrees that I need it.. We all do.. 🙂 ❤

Therefore I must not lose heart but awaken to the fact that I can be the one to stir it up in myself and recognize the importance of what I do and why I do it.  I can focus on what brings me alive and stir up my art expression to empower my inner child.. My creative spirit.

Confession. It has taken hours and hours to write this and as I am writing my whole thought pattern and flow has changed. I am seeing myself more clearly through my whole life and how I have been and why. I usually work at putting my blog out on the same day. But this time I told myself it is ok to go to bed and sleep on it. That this was an important exercise. That it is OK to be a work in progress and take my time with it. I was being helped even as I left it to work on it more today. Less of a desperation to get it out of the inside of me. 

So I am seeing through this exercise that this adult figure in my art expression is a representation of any person who will meet me where I need to be met.. Anyone who is moved to meet me on a level where I am at. Even if that is via my adult self encouraging what is needed for my inner child to thrive. I do not need to wait for others!

That there is a life changing epiphany.

Soul expression is never selfish but vital to my daily life and daily life force so I should nuture it and treasure it at all costs.

My Inner child therefore seems to represent my creative Spirit and that’s why it is so crucial to my whole being to pay attention to my inner child. Maybe my inner child has always needed art expression and that’s why I have become such a loner because I did not realize what I so desperately needed.

My inner child needs to know it is OK to be myself. That is OK to live expressively and share it. That through sharing my emotions I feel accepted on the level where I currently am. Eye to eye or face to face is so vitally important to a deaf person too who has lost the ability to use one of their five major senses but it does not have to be through only speaking and listening and it does not need to be physical. I can be met in a way whenever I and another person touch souls through my art or words or in a working and understanding relationship. For me especially through online friends have I found this to be a vital link to not feeling alone.

How important it is to be able to communicate where I feel heard and seen. That I am worthy of someone adjusting themselves to my height or mindset or wavelength by reading or viewing or acknowledging me where I am at..

How often have I been depressed because I cannot communicate with others like they can at the same level they are and even feel expected to function as they do. I do not have to try to communicate like you. It is OK to communicate in my own way that works for me.

Yes I do communicate differently and I do so love deep heart sharing. I am built to express myself for I am an emotional soul but I prefer one on one or even prefer on-line where I communicate easily as it is much more personal to me.

Connection happens for me whenever someone pays attention to what I say on social media, sends texts because I cannot use a normal phone or just cares for me in a way where I am free to do the same back. My inner child needs to know that others share my world and want too just as I share their world and want too. That my heart/art expression is valued. Not that it has to be praised for being good.. no no…  just that I be acknowledged for its how I speak, move and it is my presence and way to live in this world.

If nobody says what I need to hear or communicates in a way that I can understand. I can and should say it to myself. ❤ ❤

It is OK to be me. It is OK to live by my Spirit. It is OK to communicate in ways that I love and that work for me. I am enough as I am. It is OK to love sharing my faith and art via my spirit, express myself through art and my own words on my blog and via social media or any way that I do. It is OK to enjoy the way I want to do it and how I do it.

I am OK.. 🙂

Crowd of Witnesses

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I woke up early this morning with a headache and I think even half asleep I am so used to just starting to commune with God in prayer in my mind for healing. I find myself rebuking sickness even half asleep. I think also a bit of pain now and again God uses to get my mind on HIM and this was one of those times. He had a message to share with me. As I am praying I am waking up. Having a drink of water. Toilet stop. Talking to God about things that have been on my mind the previous day gone. Heck my mind can go all over. :/ I am sure others understand this. Unfortunately at times it can be rather annoying because it means I wake up too much and its not so easy to go back to sleep. In this instance I am glad I woke up more than I needed..

Not all my thoughts tend to be happy though. At times there can be rather an onslaught of reminders of ALL the ways I have failed since childhood. Groan groan groan. I wish I could write exactly how my thoughts led to this art piece today and why as soon as my youngest had been taken to school and I was home again I got to creating it straight away. I do not actually know the lead up. I do know that as I sat on the toilet with my phone lol. Yes I do that. I started to type in the words and thoughts that were coming up in my notes ap so later when I got back to sleep I could remember them.

Quite often I can have the most amazing dreams but wake up and quickly forget them 😦

The words I wrote down were ‘Crowd of Witnesses’ ‘Support’ ‘Comforting’ Helps’ Not alone’

I have personally often felt alone in my sharing. There are a few faithful yes. But the majority of what I create, share and express I have felt generally alone with it. So often I read just how important support is to an artist, athlete, person etc when they are working on a goal or career or life purpose. Crowds cheer on their football team or line the marathon course to encourage the athletes, fans buy the paintings of an artist & faithfully attend the concerts of their favorite music bands. Family attends recitals, practice sessions etc etc.. it goes on..

It seems imperative to me just how important it is for anyone who wants to go places in life that they feel supported and cheered on. A reoccurring suggestion often put to me seems to be that my art should be mostly for myself or even just for God and me. Rather then looking for outward recognition and being disappointed by lack of interest .

Now if anyone really knows me I tend to stand back. I tend to stay hidden and do not excerpt myself. I am not known for outward confidence at all.

So putting my art/heart out into the world has been quite a huge step out of my comfort zone personally yet those around me do not seem to recognize this the same which can drive me batty. YET even still I do not do it for feed back or even to be seen. I do it cause I cannot communicate like everyone else being deaf. It is how I express myself plus since I was young sharing with my whole heart has just been my thing AND I love it.

An Artist has to be bold even if they are not doing it to make money. Because its only natural to share art with anyone else. How many little children’s art work come home from school, kindergarten, child care etc and are proudly displayed where everyone can see it. What on earth happens though as we grow up?

I do not know why people think art or art expression in whatever form it takes has to be only for the person who created it. I think it is natural to share it but for some reason many equate that with some kind of ‘look at me persona’..?!?

Anyway lol I might have deviated off track with some of that but I still very much feel I have to explain myself and why I do what I do. This sense in my mind early this morning of a ‘crowd of witnesses’ around me actually brought a wave of sweetest comfort to my soul. I do not know at this point whether I still had the headache or not. Pain tends to be forgotten when you receive spiritual epiphanies.

But I felt very motivated to try to capture that sense in some way artistically and felt a little excited that I had a way forward for the coming day. Oh how many days I have sitting without any motivation.. EXACT reason I’m fuelled by doing this.. the realisation that this surge of motivation is from GOD.. I truly believe HE wants me to do this!!! ❤😍🕊🌈

I am loving oil pastels atm so that is the tool of choice to do this with.

Lol they are supposed to be buildings.. like houses.. but they look more like tombstones :/ perhaps they symbolize buried dreams, dead ends, end of living my life the way everyone else does or the way everyone else thinks I should? End of relationships? Who knows..

They do speak to me of the coldness of the world/people I often experience.. the darkness of being alone and isolated and rejected.

Feeling unsupported in what makes my heart come alive and feel passionate with purpose. I have also found religion cold, comfortless, not easily able to relate to it anymore.. not really fitting in with the aliveness of my spirit. Boxed in..

The figures around me are not ghosts lol but rather the crowd of witnesses Gods Spirit was encouraging me with this morning. Spirit is not like a human voice. It is rather a knowing in you. Deeper than worded prayer yet appears in some ways like knowing ideas that I could never have thought about in my head, yes scriptures made alive with words or images.. that fit with my life and situation.. like a praying in the spirit if you use a heavenly language of tongues.

I think sometimes my spiritual language is like intuition. Art helps me access it. Colours and images and symbols too.

Moon represents my current life..

I actually saw the moon while walking my dog yesterday. Full moon last night.

Night times especially late at night and middle of night I pray best .. Sometimes with tears rolling down my cheeks. I know GOD better in darkness and from being alone both physically and isolation from deafness and social dysfunction. Introversion has its perks though. I have more time to dedicate to art and expressing myself. I got invited to a craft group just the other day. But my heart was not in that. Some of this life I have chosen, most not.

But I do know that I have time to fully concentrate on what I love to do. The downfall I guess is that when I need people or the way I need people my spirit living has some wave length problems to reach others hearts but I really have to trust God with that because there are some heart connections I’ve made that are stronger than any face to face or blood relationships. Most live by the world around them and face to face.

Thankfully the crowd of witnesses around me depicted in my art mean that I am not alone no matter how it feels!! Encouraging. I believe once people die they are spiritually alive but somewhere else. I do believe they are around us or watching. They are purified and aren’t physically limited anymore and with that I believe come the spiritual knowledge that perhaps I am living with some of that too but yet I am still in my flesh body on earth?

They know our hearts unlike people in the flesh around us may not know or appear to know and understand us. I tried to express that closeness and support of the wittnesses by adding some pink to every witness depicted in my art piece around the central figure that represents me.

It is a spiritual thing obviously and although GODs word encourages us to live by faith and not by sight.. The spiritual living I have since discovered when I shifted from physical worship to spiritual worship in truth is very very different like day to night or night to day .

I am encouraged and inspired to draw from their strength. Encouraged by their presence. I do not have to rely on human connections that have for so long not seen or known or connected with me in ways I needed or desire.

God is helping me keep up the good work I have been fitted to do. And I am not hiding my light under a bushel.. or whatever the modern word is for that. Basket? Cover? Under wraps? Definitely not hiding socially just expressing myself through another medium!!

We are supposed to let our lights so shine. My light just so happens to be my simplistic/symbolic art and many words 😁.

Shared via social media in the here and now.🕊

Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..

 

What do I need to feel safe to come back?

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Following on from the last post I made here.

This writing and art piece are my work inspired by “Into the Shadows”  part two I will link to it.

Here.

Going to work at trying to say less here lol. Didn’t work 😆

Inspired by a scripture John 14:23 and the latter half mostly.  We will come to him and make our abode in him.. Obviously referring to me as ‘her’ not him.. I am a believer in God. But I kind of ditched everything I once knew to focus mainly on the SPIRIT because of all the difficulties I have gone through with life and also losing my ability to hear like everyone else.

Holy SPIRIT is my counsellor. Heart thing. From where I live from. Kingdom of heaven within reality. To get more of a sense of what I mean you’d probably have to go back and read more of my writing.

For me in this art piece. Having focused on my Shadow Self as I read what was asked of those following.

I immediately (without having even putting oil pastel to paper) knew this expression is what I wanted to express! I love, love, love the oil pastel kind of represents the HOLY SPIRIT too. In the bible there are many references to SPIRIT as oil!! That thought just came to me as I was writing and it is not why I have purposely chosen oil pastels.. When you are led by your Spirit it is absolutely incredible how all things work together and you just flow and know.

Here are my thoughts.

Naked flesh. I want to be vulnerable and transparent. Dark and grey background. Difficulties I face in the world. Many grey areas in our world even the religious world. Things are not crystal clear. The fact being we have so many fractions of religion and belief systems and non belief systems. Issues can divide human kind so easily and they do. How many bible interpretations are there and different beliefs about it.

Neck. Communication. My story/voice has struggled to be brought forth and therefore be acknowledged.

Hard.. so hard to communicate and I am not like everyone else. I even struggle to be the same as the majority of deaf.

Blue sadness. Struggles. Frustrations. Broken relationships that cut me off from being myself and its hard to do relationships because of what I have lived through. Feeling of being strangled. Choked. Alone. Isolated. The way I have been treated by people who should know me and stick up for me who have turned away and made me feel like my life force isn’t valuable. I find it hard to breathe life and be all that I am and can be. The mistreatment is like hands to my neck strangling the life out of me.

Black crosses criss-cross my throat to express all this but I think looking at the rest of my art this is not dominating my life and I do not need or wish to focus on this part of my life rather just acknowledge it.

Heart surrounded by my emotions. My need to express myself is huge.. Shows how central and important my heart/emotions etc are to my life force. I do not focus outwardly much at all these days. That shows clearly here.

Broken heart still evident though isn’t it wonderful to know and realise GODs SPIRIT still meets us in broken imperfect human hearts!! And so beautifully desires to make a ‘Home’ in us.. within us.. WOW!!

What I need to come fully or more fully into the light is…

To keep my focus on what is occurring within.  That sweetest of meeting places where HIS strength combines with my humanness therefore changing everything!!

For out of the heart flows the issues of life.

Royal purple flow at the bottom which I still feel is so much smaller than it could be but thankfully it is coming.. is flowing..

But I notice that again isn’t the greatest of importance to me.. Isn’t what I need mostly or as it seems is my real true focus.

Right here I can take a load off.. sigh and take heart. For I recognise in myself immense growth. Because I am not wanting to be ‘famous or perfect’ in my art expression or even wait till I’m perfect.. Not just doing it for others either which is surprising.. Rather my art expression is the vehicle to seeing what IS my truest reality and then I share it.

I think recognising the importance of daily art expression and indeed realising it is a great gift to me from GOD. I can glory in being fully myself and realising that all the while inside my heart that although it has been broken by life is ever present and healing is occurring.

There is a HUGE powerful force at work within me. THIS is where I need to focus on to fully come back!!!! If only in my outer life like in my art piece I can see it as HUGE as this. That little flow might just start to flood and saturate the wider world around me!!!

This is my art piece in a large nut shell lol. I am learning even as I write this and contemplate my art.

It is truly amazing though that my art expression is not showing me what still has to happen. It is not showing me things I still need to do.

IT IS showing me what is HAPPENING ALREADY

I just have to be aware. ❤️🌷🕊