Gods grace gives me hope that HE the LORD was forever perfect for me and did all that was required by the law of God for salvation.. So my faith rests on HIM and not on my own accomplishments. I am so glad about this. Though of course others around me will continue to strive and rise up and they do in all areas of life.. And they work hard and they deserve the gratitude and admiration they receive. I would never want to take away or dismiss peoples hard work or dull their shine.. Never ever ever.
HE is the one that gets my full admiration and attention because HE hears the silent tears fall. HE sees the dust and chewed nails and messy room and HE still loves me and I am incredibly moved because I don’t feel the condemnation that some people who have done great things give off.. I feel special even if its just for being myself.
Nikita Gill quotes.. Just existing on some days is more than enough. The flowers do it every day and they add beauty to the world just by being here.
I have been doing no art. Just haven’t been into it. First time I have written in ages. Everything in me just sort of shut down but kept existing. Nothing to say. Its been weird really.
I have been reading some of Joseph Prince and it has been encouraging me. I have found his books here and there when I op shop which is thrift store hunting. I also found a cd teaching and had to buy it lol but I am deaf will never hear it unless I am miraculously healed.. It was only 2 dollars I just could not leave it!
So I am going to quote a bit that I read recently that really helps me. Not many in the past came here and I can understand if followers give up on me because I am rarely here but you never know if only one person needs encouragement too and finds this and it helps them.. It is so worth sharing it.
Talking about the paralyzed man whose four friends took him to Jesus on earth because he was known to heal the sick during his earthly ministry. They couldn’t get in the door so lowered him through the roof.. Jesus said words to the man first instead of just healing him on the spot.
‘Son, Your sins are forgiven you.’ Which seems weird doesn’t it when the man was coming for healing..
Quoted from the book page 122 of Grace Revolution by Joseph Prince..
“But Jesus knew it was exactly what this poor man needed to hear for his healing to manifest. And indeed, at Jesus’ next words, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and go home,” the paralyzed man “jumped up, grabbed his mat, and walked out through the stunned onlookers” (Mark 2:11-12 NLT). What had transpired? Jesus saw, when no one else could, that the man needed to hear he was forgiven, that God was not condemning him. And those words opened the door to his healing and broke him loose from his paralysis.
For me its not about the healing really. It is about the no condemnation. That speaks so loudly and clearly to me.
Recently some family friends came here to visit my parents who I house-share with. When I had my break down they helped me in the past. I went in to say hi which I don’t always do when my parents have visitors.
I am so grateful and thankful for the help they gave. But one of the things God has taught me is He has been with me as I am and HE doesn’t see me and treat me the way people do. I have not felt condemned by God and I learn to take the bad and pull out the good from it. Even though on my pathway I have been led differently to others around me and it hasn’t always been understood and supported. One thing God has done for me is lead me in a way so that I’ve had to keep my sight directly on HIM and learned to walk in faith which is like a toddler lol I fall then get up.. Fall again and get up but eventually I walk even though sometimes I still fall and have to get up again. People have helped me along the way and I believe HE does use and work through people but it has been a kind of learning curve sometimes because you have to discern what to keep and what to throw out.. The same sun can burn and dry up all moisture but can also give power and light and bring growth. We need wisdom and discernment because sometimes peoples message are perfect but sometimes they are not perfect and we aren’t called to follow people but the LORD.. It can be a challenge to see HIS love through people who dismiss me because my imperfections are all they see.
I have learned to live by my Spirit moreso because of everything that has happened to me and how it has happened and also the people around me and when they haven’t been able to help me it really just drove me to find that God was always there.
Joseph Prince goes on to say in this book. “My beloved friend, if you are paralyzed by a heavy sense of condemnation over something in the past, I want you to know beyond any doubt that God is not withholding your breakthrough from you. HE loves you, understands your pain and suffering, and has forgiven you through the cross. He wants you to know that your past does not have to poison your future.”
“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.” (1 Corinthians 2:9).. That verse was in his book too not far below the above quotes. I remember years ago my niece Kayla giving me something from a bible children’s class with this verse on it. It resonated again with me. Gods word is amazing how it stays inside you and it really is powerful because it speaks to you through the years and on remembering it, when it comes up again you can know incredible fortitude and hope.
I still believe even after a long time that God has great things for me..
I respect people I do. But they are not God and as much as they feel they know my situation sometimes they do not because people look at the outward but God looks at the the heart.
The same people who helped me when I broke down came to visit my parents just recently. Its been weird I tell you. I am not great with people unfortunately. I kind of stick to myself. And I am awkward. But I will try to explain. When I broke down these people came and helped me but a lot of what they were saying I actually didn’t hear it. But I was given some tools at the time to use that did help and I got better.
This most recent visit I was approached but directly and I don’t mean any harm in sharing this. But again I didn’t really hear what was going on if there was any lead up to that and a bible was kind of shoved in front of my face but I know that it wasn’t done to be unkind.. I just didn’t hear anything that was said before the bible was shown to me so it seemed rather in my face abrupt.
I did see the verses mentioned.. I did say you know I am not hearing well maybe text or email me what you want to say… But I don’t think that made any difference at all and I have not had any communication I could understand since. But as it often happens that way to me, what I say or feel gets overlooked.
I did get the feeling that I was supposed to take the bible away somewhere and meditate on the scriptures shown to me or something? But I didn’t feel comfortable doing that and I really do need things explained a bit more so I can understand.. Some kind of caring connection that connects me to you so even making eye contact helps.. waving hello or writing things down or even making me repeat what you said.. that way you know I got it or not..
I just said no no its ok I have a bible thanks and my hands went up further emphasizing my point.. That was the end of that.
I did try later explaining to my mother my concerns but she just said. “Oh they are just direct in what they say?”
It makes me think of the tv show Australian idol or American idol. The contestant sometimes closes their eyes and sings their song and the judges say that they need to connect with the audience so that their message and emotion touches and reaches through the music and performance. As a deaf person I need that too.. I really need that perhaps more then hearing people do. God helps me in my deafness even though I do not audibly hear him or even see him because I worship Him in spirit but I am unfortunately not able to connect like that with people…. It is a faith thing. Spirit thing with God but people may not get me at all via my soul/spirit realm which is probably the reason why I stay more to myself and they stay away from me too. I truly believe he loves me even imperfect as I am.. Deaf me. Emotional me. Introverted me.
People uggh that is another story altogether. I feel distant to so many beautiful people.. So that lovely warmth people take for granted and which probably endears people to each other.. It so often alludes me and that is HEART BREAKING for me and it makes the void between me and the world so much colder. I cry my heart out many times because I don’t have that and I long for it. That what is inside me I just cannot connect with you the way I wish it could be.. If anything shuts me down it is this.
When I do not hear or feel or connect.. Whoosh straight over my head like so many conversations for a deaf person. I just have learned to miss out on a whole lot of stuff.. The verses shown to me were about forgiveness too lol. But I sense maybe these people wanted me to forgive someone or something or even forgive God?.. I did understand that maybe I could be healed of deafness too in all this forgiveness stuff … I don’t actually feel led to ask God for healing of it. I guess that sounds weird. But I just accept it and move on.. I have heard that Nick Vujicic is the same. He is a well known Christian inspirational speaker. No arms, no legs, no worries kind of man. I have peace being me too. It’s not that I don’t miss music or hearing my loved ones voices. I do.. But you learn to live a different way.
So I am sorry no offense.. I did go and read the scriptures. I prayed over it. I even wrote to someone who it is possible I still needed to forgive or needed to hear it.. but I do not sense even now that this type of forgiveness is what I need or they needed from me.
I think I need just like the paralyzed man to know inside me I am not condemned by God and perhaps I need to hear that from my family in God. One thing I have learnt or felt from the family of God is if you don’t do things a certain way you can be classed as in or out. I have definitely felt out.. Where is the compassion?
But that is not what God says. It is belief in what Jesus did for the world that counts as salvation and we are said to be now in Him such as a branch is connected into a vine. But to be not considered ‘in’.. or treated like you belong or you are loved for you.. Condemnation really does paralyze you and make you feel so very unloved and alone. I think had I received love when I had been struggling I would be a very different person today. The whole world would. We absolutely need the good news that we are utterly forgiven and loved by God..
Deafness is not really a disability as such as just finding a way to communicate with the world. I mean here I am writing about what I care about.. It is how I share what I feel.. but as I have done many times in the past I wrote my heart out like it felt I was literally bleeding into every word and I have shared over and over and over my heart and many times nobody much came to read.. Sometimes no one at all. Not family.. Sometimes friends and strangers. As I said I have had to learn to miss out on a whole lot of stuff.. And there is peace inside me when I say that.. No anger. I don’t fight it. I would rather keep my peace and cry to God about the hard impossible stuff then go to people. Perhaps I have not been clear enough in what I am saying? I hope in this writing even after all this time my heart is seen.
I take the little morsels of understanding I get from here and there and I cherish the ones that communicate with me.. take it into my heart and I can be happy with so little. I think I was created with a lay back nature just for this reason. So that I can be chill where others could not survive it or easily find their peace. But also there is something so strong in me which doesn’t give up because GOD has never given up on me.
There is no fear in God’s love. His perfect love drives out all fears. 1 John 4:18
Knowing and believing just how much God loves me saves me from giving up when it is hard and I feel alone.
The Lord is my shepherd.
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his names sake.
Yes even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
I will fear no evil.
For you are with me.
Your rod and staff they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil.
My cups runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. Psalm 23