Conner Sam

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Conner Sam

Conner is number 5 child in our family. Counted in human terms as our 4th born child on earth as baby Tyler who was officially born fourth is in heaven now. He has always been pretty special because I gave birth to him just shy of 1 year after the loss..

Having a healthy little baby after losing a baby it is life changing in more ways then one ; everything is heightened. I am starting to tear up just thinking about it. I’ve always had a habit of calling him Conner Sam though he doesn’t particularly like being called that so I don’t use it generally but only here as it’s meaningful to me. Samuel is his second name named after Tyler Samuel who is in heaven. Conner and Tyler are for me forever entwined together. I was pregnant 4 months after the loss.

I started this digital painting back in 2019 and hadn’t finished it, which is like a lot of things in my life. I shared it online half done back in August 2019 because I just love sharing things and can’t always wait to do so.. And sometimes the hope is that it will spur me on by sharing early to get it done. Obviously that didn’t work in this case lol.

Finally finished it today. I haven’t changed it too much, and I probably didn’t even use the same digital procreate brush to finish it because I can’t remember which one I originally used so that might make the art not look so good and not flow. I just wanted to finish it and its meaningful to me and really that is all that matters. The art was created more for me personally then anyone else. Of course I hope Conner and the family like it.

Conner is aged 22 at this current time of writing and has recently moved out of my home and it makes sense to finish his digital painting now. He is on my mind.

Yesterday we visited him and his older brother at their house which isn’t too far from here. They now live together first time in many years since Keanu moved out of home when he was at High School. I was having some trouble with getting him to school. I asked his dad if he could help me with him.

He had previously had a dose of Glandular fever and missed a bit of school probably a month in all. But I wasn’t very successful to get him moving and back into the rhythm of life again as I was a single mother with 4 at home and still getting used to life without their father Justin around.. Life was pretty hard back then after a marriage break up.. so I needed his fathers help and support. I never intended him to move out permanently but he went to stay with his dad for a bit and never returned full time with me. He has explained since that he felt his Dad needed someone seeing we all were living together and his dad was alone.. Although it hurt me for him to not come home again.. I love that Keanu was thinking so much about his dad.. I can appreciate the sentiment much better now.

That was back in 2010 maybe cause Keanu was in his final years of High School.. year 11 I think.. And the two brothers have been separate ever since. I mean they did stay with their dad together when Zali and Conner did weekeneds with their Dad and also here and there with each other but not full time. I think they both will enjoy being together cause that is what Keanu says is the best thing about his new house.. Being with his brother full time.

I only have one child at home now. Zali is 19 and doing uni studies plus she works a job too.

It is hard saying goodbye. Having lived with Conner 22 years. I mean with the loss of baby Tyler, break up of the marriage etc… I find it extra hard to see them move out but happy at the same time to see them moving on with their lives.

I want to share just a little story that happened yesterday. I think that sums up how proud I am of Conner and what sort of young man he has become.

I went to visit him with Zali who is learning to drive. Any trip we do she needs the driving practice and it helps to add up her 120 hours of driving needed before she can do the exam to become a fully qualified driver.

While I was there at the new house, it was mid morning and there was no heating on. The house was a bit cold. Conner went and got me a blanket to cover me as I sat in his lounge. Plus made me a cup of coffee.. Oh my.. So kind and considerate makes me emotional.. Also bought me lunch when Zali and I drove both brothers into town to get some things they wanted and groceries they needed. Neither of the boys drive or own a car so I am happy to run them around.

If I have done any good raising Conner.. Raising my children and I say that from a mothers point of view. If I have raised them to be kind and considerate people. I think I have done my job well..

I love this young man. I love his gentle spirit and although I miss him around the house. I know he is happy and in a lovely home. And I am proud of him. He has in recent years struggled with his mental health and after leaving school finally after years of not being able to get a job and the frustration that comes with that.

Conner landed a few hours/shifts a week where his sister works but unfortunately they laid him off over the covid virus and how it has affected the way businesses run. Which was really disappointing for him..

It was so good to see him getting up to go to work, saving for things and being able to hold a steady job and they say he was doing well there. I believe he can and will experience that again hopefully soon..

If you happen to read this Conner.. I am very proud of you and the young man you have grown up to be.. And love you very much and I hope this art shows you how important you are to us your family and especially to me your mother and that I think the world of you and always will.

My weakness

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My Weakness

I have not faired well in time of lock-down. You know the staying at home while the pandemic circulates the globe. When I say faired well I have been extremely lazy. I am not a highly motivated person even a moderately motivated person. I am at the lower end of any kind of scale on every level. I would think perhaps only the art wise scale I might be a little higher.

Art wise I have done some digital work and I am seeing improvement there and thankfully I am keeping that up.

I want to write and journal and thrill people with my writing skills it’s my favourite thing to do. Its just I have not found that easy.

I keep a diary the old book style and I am sad to say there are very few entries in that for 2020 😦 and that disappoints me. When I say thrill I find writing easier to flow with when I want to share things. Like my hearing loss/deafness there seems also a disability that hampers me in my communication skills in connecting with others via my writing and it is extremely disheartening.

Obviously in lock down you cannot see people. Well in my normal life I do not see people. But sadly even currently on-line and I am there every day.

Connections are not flowing here either. The one person online I do chat with. Its been probably our lowest period of chatting ever. The less you say… the less you do say. And it possibly is a miracle I can even write this right now. I think since my last blog post.. 25th April this will be the longest I have expressed myself except for long hours of digital painting but I don’t know painting just doesn’t say enough. But at least its something..

When nothing flows. No desire to speak or write even though I am still a feeling expressive soul you are really just existing.

I want too.. I mean I am aware of it. Just so easy to switch on Netflix or any other platform and watch it. I am so grateful for that though. Netflix, Stan, 7Plus which is Australian all have deaf captions and I enjoy watching people communicate and understand everything they are saying. It is almost like being around people and I do enjoy it. Soak in it. Enjoy the stories, get lost in it. Makes me feel part of something again. Something more then just myself. And it is an ease and there is no struggle to understand and I do not have to work at it or pursue people and wait for replies. Quite a few I text and message just do not answer. I think hearing people just do not put the same emphasis on how important answering texts and messages is to someone who cannot communicate in many other ways. I want to get frustrated with them.. But I fear they will stop altogether.

This magnetic poetry took ages. Just to write it first. And I wrote it first on my notes ap on my iphone. I wanted to get down how I am feeling as honestly as I can be it however it comes I cannot be picky. Its good for me to be honest somewhere. Its like I am breaking out of that big heavy prison that stifles my expressive soul. Then I had to condense it down to fit into a poem plus make it possible to display with as many words of my magnetic poetry sets as I can find. I have a spare few sheets of magnetic white paper that I can write a few words on that I do not have. You have no idea how much effort goes into getting this sort of thing out there. It really is a sludge match these days. It is probably why I am so lazy because it really is so much work. Not to even mention when expressions are expressed that connection is hoped for too but so often that is impossibly hard to come by. Lol but I push on.. Push out.. I do it mostly because I enjoy it. I feel accomplished when I share things. It helps my daily life immensely. Despite my influx of digital art. Writing is my preferred medium.

So this is my soul expressed here.. Imperfect. I am not sure if others would admire imperfect sharing but it is what it is and I am brave just putting writing art out at all. Always my hope is.. That HIS presence/spirit/strength which is the LORD with me always is shown.. It is not religious at all in the words I’ve chosen. I am not religious though.. As in outwardly.. BUT IT IS HIS strength that I will speak about here because though miniscule as my faith might be I still have faith. I truly believe HE is with me and there is some greater reason for it all. And that ANYTHING good in me.. HE is the source of it. I do recognize a contentment in myself.. A sense of being held. A peace.. I have not felt anxious. I have not given up. I do not cry often as I used too. I can sleep ok. I am not worried about anything really. I am not feeling hopeless. Many things I can still be thankful for.

Just as the title above says.. I am weak and not physically well put together, and I have little output…

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I do not have ducks. I do not have a row. I have squirrels, and they’re at a rave.

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2 Corinthians 12:9 Amplified Bible (AMP)
9 but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.

Hearts Content

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Writing about my art expression is one thing that makes me feel very happy.
I created it without too much thought just whatever moved me today. Images I chose resonated with me and how I put it together sort of just flowed from intuition and I love that I can see so much deeper meaning in it.

I have been concentrating my last few art journal pages on using a piece of Christian art every time in my lay out. Each art lay out has been compromised of double pages. I build my lay out around the Christian art piece I’ve chosen.
First one was based on some writing off a stained glass window that I liked. 2nd one had an angel in it and this one has Jesus Christ and He is larger then life in this one. 🙂

The little human figure represents me.. As I was doing my pages I found it really hard to make the human that represents me to stand out.. It tended to be completely blending in and dull compared to the rest of the pages. But that is exactly how I myself feel in this world.. Small, hard to see and I definitely do not stand out in any way.. So I love the way these pages resonate my life, my feelings about my life, my heart, my spirit and basically how I see my world.

On one side I based it on a church or temple.. Christ on that side is central he’s seen that way in life and art and worshiped physically in the church building. His figure is large and luminous as the church exists to be all about Him and its where (we) His people gather to honor Him.. And HE is everything to me personally and He is what life and faith flow from. He is what I focus on. And then I placed myself on the other side of the page sitting on a rock. Christ is said to be a rock of our salvation.. Sitting cross legged as I often do.. On my butt.. Right where I am. Is where I believe He is. I don’t feel my life is based on anything physical that I do or contribute. I rest a lot. I sit a lot. I try to be honest about myself. My inactivity as well as my creativity.

The image that represents me. Cross legged sitting in the spiritual world showing that I am relying on God more then myself or my own physical efforts. Outside the temple/church physical building if you will. Because I have not attended for many years. But I put Jesus Christ as reaching out to me. So close. Seeing me. I am aware of Him by faith not sight or performance. And I do see him perse in my little world (her eyes are closed as she sits on her rock) but I am aware of Him by faith. I need to trust that He is there with me and focus on the Kingdom within in order to live as I do. Spirit which includes us all and is everywhere not contained and although I grew up and it is because of the “church/temple” contained within walls and ‘Chritianity’ that I learnt about Him. I am content to worship Him in Spirit and Truth and that may appear to be sitting apart and differently to the majority but I do believe the church is all of us where we are worshiping Him. For me this just means its more personal.

The darker parts.. The grey.. The rocks piled around me. Showing that it has been hard and the rocks also represent the frustrations I have had with different people and how they see and treat me and that has become like a wall around me.. Made it difficult.. Not particularly pretty or have I concentrated on making it beautiful. But rather it’s that knowledge of Christ with me always and that He knows my heart and sees me that makes all the difference and gives me strength to turn towards Him at all times. Awareness of Him that brings the growth, life and beauty to my world and even when that beauty is crushed and its difficult and impossible He’s given me a way to share my faith that blooms beyond even what I could imagine. I am looking to HIM and living with awareness of Him. Beauty is still there and I bloom and flower throughout adversity because of faith that is always empowered solely by His Spirit..

Therefore my heart can be content.. because of the content..

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Holy Foolishness

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Ohh how good it feels to get to writing again. It is like meeting up with an old friend who is so welcoming and yet patient to sit with me and hear all my news even before they have said a word!!

Sitting on my bed in my bedroom has always been a thing for me. And now it is enforced to stay at home with the current lock down due to a virus that is highly contagious and extremely dangerous in our world. For an introvert it is less a trial then for many but still you know it means a freedom of going to normal places is no longer mine. When I started writing this it was Friday pay day and there was nowhere to go. I like op shops.. Coffee.. Art stores. Visiting my children or doing things with them. Not doing those things does feel very strange.

So writing for me and art for me is a beautiful escape that I am freer today to take but also a way to communicate and find my flow. It is also very spiritual to me and a way to talk about my faith and share how it helps me.

This writing today is based on an ebook I recently bought on sale called “Illuminating the way embracing the wisdom of Monks and Mystics” by Christine Valters Paintner.

Only a couple of dollars on sale I bought a few of her books! The saint that inspired my writing today is Francis of Assisi.. The heading of the chapter says 1. Francis of Assisi: The Fool. Where I got my title for this blog post. Foolishness part. Im not going to go into the story so much of who he was and his life calling but he does stand out to me because he did things differently and lived a quite radical life and very differently to how the church of his day conducted themselves.

In his own words.. “I do not want to hear any mention of the rule of St Augistine, of St Bernard, or St Bendadict. The Lord has told me that he wanted to make a new fool of me.” He lived in a way that seemed foolish to the way of the world.

One of the quotes I highlighted

“To be an outcast means that we don’t align ourselves with the dominant way of thinking.

Francis was a man who loved living on the ‘edges of things. Rejecting power, prestige, and wealth, he found freedom and joy in the simplicity of his path. Walking away from security he found new purpose. He demanded we look at the world differently. Seeing that everything in our lives is alive with sacred presence all we need is to see things anew.
He preached to men and to creatures.. Spoke of a new way to follow the gospel. He was drawn to those living on the margins, the poor and destitute and was unafraid to touch the untouchables.

Another quote from the book.. “The Russian church has a special name for saints who are regarded as holy fools: yurodivi. These are the wild souls who wittness to other possibilities.

Bible says. “We are fools for the sake of Christ” Cor 4:10

I choose to worship God differently and it does look foolish when you do things differently. Seek God differently and do things in a different way to the majority. You can appear to be an outcast and I have been treated that way and I do get that to an extent. So I identify with Francis in some ways. One needs to learn humility to walk different paths because you will stand out and be called out for it and people have stayed away from me. I have found it testing not to criticize others for their choices but stick to my path and walk it with as pure a heart as possible. I don’t always want to be defending my path or speaking in such a way that offends others but I cannot stand still and feel shame or frustrated because then I go nowhere and you can wander in the wilderness feeling that outcast status instead of saying God here I am which way now. Teach me and use me here as I am for the greater cause no matter that it has cost me to be different. To be misunderstood. To walk a path before You that isn’t the same as majority. Help me to walk upright and unafraid and with courage and love.. With my heart focused on YOU and peace and living that out despite others around me thinking I am lost, rebellious and hard hearted.. Help me to believe that there is a greater purpose and what may seem foolish to many actually can be intensely holy and beautiful and precious.

I created a mandala.
Named it Holy Foolishness.

Which the book encouraged. My focus on thinking about Francis of Assisi what I knew his life to be like, what had risen in my heart/spirit as I read the chapter. My own playfulness. Freedom that we all have before God.. As the scripture says. Hebrews 4:16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in our time of need. We have freedom.

There is a fear involved with creativity. Feel selfish. Frivolous. There are those that see things like this lead to evil practices that do not lead to God but away. Open doors to other forces all sorts of things like this. To me I do not want fear to rule me or keep me from enjoying things that make me happy and from looking up because I do look up doing art and creativity. To me I tried not to think too much and just let my spirit be free.. Whatever colors came to me and it looks like a shield to me.. Faith shield thing.

I use an ap on my phone to create it. Now I am going to see what meaning I can gather from what I created because I did it freely and without thinking.. just flowed with it. But I love that what I find through simple art can have such profound and deep meanings!!!

I started with dark blue and purple. Dark blue for spirit and purple for honoring Gods kingdom and His rule over the earth as highest authority. Dark green for earth and life of mankind. Various browns for humility, earth, humanity, life, earth creates life. Then I went to pink which I consider represents creative spirit and I started to bring that in from the edges. I didn’t learn creativity through religious teachings but from outside artists and art in general and since I have walked this creative journey I am hearing now churches have artists in church doing art while the preacher preaches that is pretty cool.. Creative Spirit has brought me out of myself and made me have to think of why I do this.. What it means to me and what God is doing despite difficulties.. It has caused me to value beauty and truth and made me focus on God within and gifts HE has given to the world and especially me which makes it all the more personal.

When you no longer follow a certain way of doing things and step away from it.. Everything changes. I mean suddenly you are not relying on that. So this art is making me think of God in a whole different way such as I have had to do when I was not worshiping every Sunday the way the mass does.
The pink became hot pink, hot pink to me is pink, red and purple combined pink creativity, red blood carries life and Jesus blood purifies us, purple Kingdom.. all combined.. its wonderfully bright and stands out to me and gave the centre of my mandala like a power punch and its a great feeling to be alive and thriving and happy and that flows from the centre of being or spirit.. Source of beauty and brightness and spiritual richness and it just blossoms and from out of the abundance of the heart it touches and transforms everything.. God always, always, always centre of my life and what I see life in general to be. Because of Him who is the master creative. I create. I enjoy. It makes even the deaf find a way to communicate..

I access His Spirit which is one with my spirit within me as the kingdom of heaven is within so I guess that kind of explains why when I worship in spirit and truth that I do not miss the physical aspects of how I used to worship. I mean the Kingdom of God is within so every person today who is NOT in the building are all joined together in spirit all over the world and that will never change wherever they are doing their thing. I am part of that. My mandala exercise encourages me that no matter how ‘general minds of mankind come together at any time ’ the truth of it is He is creator of life and He is the same yesterday, today and forever and He created us and His Son came so that all of us could know the truth and be a part of it.

I mean Francis of Assisi might not have been looked a part when he lived as he lived different to the way the church conducted themselves in his day yet He was a great well loved saint of God and is our brother through Christ.
I do not have to fear evil or being evil because God is the centre of my being. The corner stone of the church and our salvation. There has been fear that someone who works differently or walks differently has not the spirit of God.. But God does not look at the outward but He looks at the heart at the core of a persons being. When JESUS came to earth HE is the head of body and He himself did many things different to the way the religious leaders were and He was crucified for it. Thankfully though being Gods son he saved us from ever being rejected again because he was rejected for us.

We are all apart of that body now because of Jesus. My Mandala exercise began with the Holy Spirit dark blue at the beginning of time brooding over the waters, I acknowledged the Kingdom of GOD as the one that reigns and everything else good comes from that and stems from that. I see beauty and purpose, and identity and all is connected through JESUS who is the Christ. That is what I see in this creative exercise and I believe Francis of Assisi went forth from that same Holy Spirit and lived the way he lived because He drew his power from God and was not afraid to be even foolish to the world but to those whom he ministered too they saw Gods likeness in him. So I name it Holy Foolishness because to some it will appear that way but not to all who walk in freedom and live unto God not just living via the order of the day.  Father God said there would come a day when people lived by Spirit and truth and that is what He seeks.

I think as I sit here on a Sunday that God is with me. I am thinking on Him and I am going to share my thoughts. I am considered perhaps different because I am not in a building or watching a video produced by a building of people for a time on earth when even church buildings have closed their doors but I hope that our ideas and constrictions of what is of God are magnified and blown apart and our thinking might be expanded in this time of physical isolation for the Holy Spirit is NEVER restricted and connects us all because He is eternal and lives beyond human fragilities and works in us even despite what is considered foolishness. I think the building is us where we humans are and as we are and there has never been a greater time then this for the walls to come down and Gods mighty power through us to bring heaven to earth. How much more right now do we globally need that power at work in us weaving us together strong and beautiful, human and holy and as one people under God!

See My Heart

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((Warning long post.. it’s in depth sharing about poem..))

I was amazed how quickly this magnetic poem appeared. The image behind it is from a magazine I think it was a surfing one not sure..

I tear out and cut out images all the time and use them and store them. So if anyone recognizes it and the photographer let me know so I can credit them.

As soon as I saw it the image resonated with my heart. I had it on my wall for a little while then tucked it away with plans to do something in the future but didn’t know quite what at the time.

I don’t know if I have been stalling or putting off or there is a right time and today was that time. But I have known for quite a while I want to share my heart with my sister. She has been trying to connect in small ways but my heart has not known how to reply. I know I know just do it eh.. I only wish it was that simple. Art has been my bridge to the world so it makes sense today that I could easily write a poem and then share it here on my blog because this is where my heart can be more freely seen. I am comfortable writing and expressing myself this way. Face to Face definitely not.

At the moment of writing I do not intend to post it directly to my sister or share on my face book where she can see it or anyone else for that matter. Maybe after I finish and draft it up pray first before I decide what to do with it and whom sees it. My blog doesn’t get much attention but if one wanted to know my heart it is available 24/7. Even if I post a link to it on face book it doesn’t mean it will be seen but if I pray I can trust God it is seen by anyone that needs to see it. I think sometimes I just needed to share for the sake of sharing. Where no one is forced to read it only by choice would they read it so I can be free to share as much or as little as I wish.

Update.. I told my sister about this poem and writing and said that I wish to share with her. No reply for 9 days. So it appears my sister is not interested. I’m glad I approached her first.. I have peace to share here now.

It is sort of an indirect way but a comfortable way also its a necessity to express how I am feeling and I function better in every area of life when I can do this. Never intended as a direct message to anyone rather it is an expression of my heart about something that has been on my heart but in no other way have I been able to deal with it or move forward.. It is my way to face it I suppose.

I cannot sit down with a counselor or anyone much because of deafness.. I cannot deaf sign either so I cannot invite an interpreter to help in a counseling session or conversation. So I cannot really communicate well enough to get the full benefit of getting things out safely that way. It has to be where I can flow and also a safe place to do so. I used to be able to share easily but the flow dried up over the years when difficulties kept coming at me and I lost contact with so many people even though I have been active on social media. Art has been a salvation of sorts but you have to keep at it and there has been many days when I could not even be bothered doing that and it was mere survival art and creativity to keep myself active rather then my soul story working for me on a page to propel me forward or connect.

In case you think this is better said directly then written. I have tried many many times in the past to say how I feel. Our family like my parents and siblings we just don’t do private sharing amongst ourselves well I have not experienced it much its chit chat but for me never as deep as I need it to be. I do not know if that stems from our religious beliefs or that is just how we have always been. I know in Christian circles it seems to be a lack of faith or even that we have unforgiveness in our heart if we dare to speak of past things or ongoing struggles with people etc.. Between God and us or them only??? Of course deafness doesn’t help either.

Last year when I broke down one of the things I did was write things on a piece of paper.. Things I needed healing over and people I needed to forgive etc.. I did that then burnt it. I do believe I forgave people and I was surprised what came out of the inside of me.. BUT.. It appears to me that there is something more needed here.. I realise even if others can’t or do not wish it I need to connect and be open hearted and in some way have something come back to me I mean how can anyone build on intimacy or grow in a relationship where there is no give and take.. I feel even if nobody replies I am at least making an effort to keep speaking even if it stays one sided.

To speak or share with others or just being human that way I do not know but I have not found my place with even my own close loved ones and believe me I have been on my knees and crying praying much about it. I do know I am not perfect nor have followed the path of religion the same as many I know even my own close loved ones but it doesn’t mean I do not have faith or I do not wish to be interested in their personal lives..

I just express my faith and soul differently thats all.. But before God HE knows my heart on this I have been led by HIS Spirit and sense that GOD is leading and it may not be how everyone else would do it. Or think I should.. But before GOD I do find peace and strength and hope and help and support and HIS hearing me I worship in Spirit and truth rather then in a physical capacity so I suppose I do understand why people have lost touch.. I do find my joy here.. Deep sharing though does take a toll even when it is how you are created. Nothing was meant to be just for only one.. I felt exhausted after writing this & it’s been sitting since end of last month..

In Spirit I feel God and I can do impossible things.. I know God’s power in my weak state.. I believe God is with me and it gives me hope.. When you lose contact with everyone else though and how they worship and communicate and do it differently, it can feel a lonely road you travel.. But you know that the very reason you are surviving it and continuing to look up is because HE is empowering you otherwise you’d have collapsed a long time ago.

I do not know but heart sharing has always been my way forward and when I didn’t find an environment where I felt able or safe or not weeird in my doing so.. I kept things to myself or shared them online and started telling GOD everything.. I stepped backwards from all I once knew. My sister herself said I closed my heart but if I did it was not for lack of trying and I can honestly say before GOD my heart many many times was an open book and I was painfully honest to my own detriment publicly. Sharing openly online my heart was an open book perhaps that is why so many stepped back physically too because I was kind of bleeding and doing things differently and it was raw and radical at times.

I just got frustrated that it seemed to be I got to point that people didn’t want to hear it, couldn’t think of what to say back or I was failing to say things the right way.. I seriously don’t know why and I found less and less people to talk too and then meanwhile my hearing deteriorated? I mean I was truly in a world on my own.. The less you talk like others the harder it is to say it normally and the more you flouder when you do try.. impossible much.

Like a tap that has had no flow sometimes you need to turn it on and let the crap flush before a good steady stream comes flowing out of it once again. I feel exactly the same except its going to be murky and messy till I can find that flow again. I felt judged and unsafe and extremely awkward so it comes in spits and starts and well its not pretty like that or beautifully expressed and it is definitely not perfect.. as if it ever could be.. It’s not my truth either if I cannot be free to be myself and especially if I am not believed or I feel judged.. I clam up. I give up. I start to internalize it.

I know it is part of how I am created that I struggle with only daily chit chat and going on as if everything is rainbows and unicorns.. I cannot easily do it so if I desire deeper and healthy sharing and lets face it just sharing because that is who I am.. I flail to even be civil when someone is pushing on me but not really speaking anything I can relate too..

I hate that because I do not want to be mean and unkind and seem disinterested but if you have to talk about anything other then what’s in your heart it to me feels very fake.

Because in order to be me the tap needs running to flow again and if people won’t wait for it to clear well you never really get anywhere and I get that people do not want to be around a half hearted person or a full on person that is conversing in a different way then what they are used too..

My wish is that in my art my whole heart is seen and that I find connection this way and there may be some understanding.. Art has been extremely helpful in all of this a true and vital God send way to express what I can’t the normal ways..

And I do not think forgiveness just means period end of chapter either. Burn the book. Even resurrected Jesus has scars from what HE went through on behalf of mankind. It is normal to close the chapter yes and move forward to the next. But every chapter is a part of the whole story even if you burn that book or never reread it. Those things still happened and even if you forgive you never forget. Everything we go through is part of what brought us to this place in our life and made us who we are today.

I know I can find peace for extremely hard things this has been my salvation too. BUT I cannot find peace with anyone else if there is not a baseline of truth and I do not know why I sense this has not been the case with my sister and I maybe the only one that believes that in my heart because outwardly it can look so different and its not that I do not want peace or am struggling against making it.

My former husband fell out of love with me and told me this and although hard to hear I respected him very much for that. I could survive that. We have peace. This with my sister has been very different and in the most part unspeakable.

So I wrote this poem using a small magnetic kit that has very limited words etc.. I mean it’s not the usual kits I use where I have built up an extensive selection of words. It was a kit I bought at Spotlight that is smaller then my other magnetic poetry sets and has very basic type words..

But that it has fewer words was a challenge to say what I felt with limitations through this set I love love love that it came quite easily and it really says something to me that I have learned and grown through all this to express myself even through challenges and limitations.. I think that really says that the timing is right to write this and it all fits..

I have had to make incredibly hard choices to get to this place. I have felt alone. Unsupported. Unable to say easily how I feel and make connections that keep me socially relevant and given me the confidence to work through it. I feel I have been gagged a long long time at least in ways that I needed to feel believed and supported to heal and find my place in the world again especially amongst my own family.

At this point I have not felt heard by those who could have supported me and cared for my heart. If I had had that I do not believe this would have been such a long and lonely journey and I wouldn’t have so much to say. But in saying all this I know in the Kingdom of God nothing is wasted. No experience is beyond Gods capacity to use it for good.

Right after I finished writing that poem I noticed this little message displayed in my bedroom.. Image added below the poem which says..

This I believe that truth will set free. (Created by artist Mandy Steward)

And I know seeing this straight after I finished it that GOD is with me in this and although I so wish I could just go ahead like normal and say nothing more about the past.. just say hi how are you etc..

Ohh how I wish that were the case.. That I wasn’t the one to be messy, putting my heart out there AGAIN.. And I was this neat, normal little person who does things like everyone else and doesn’t stand out or make waves or think it was all about me when I never have but that the circumstances have made me cry out loudly and keep crying out to be heard..

Alas I can only be myself.. do as my heart is fitted to do and that is share my truth.. He knows.. I believe despite everything that I have done the best I knew to do under the circumstances and I am so glad I found a way forward which I believe HE has empowered me to do when I felt like there was no way forward. My deepest hope is I am met on this journey and there is peace on all sides and it is meaningful and beneficial for all concerned.

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In Peace Will I Lay Down And Sleep

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In peace I will lay down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Ps 4:8

This digital art work makes me feel really good. I showed the kids last night and they knew it was a representative of myself. Well they said it was me.. But I am not that skinny lol and I use creative license.. I sleep under the covers most times but I am making myself vulnerable here so you see the whole of me as I am.

I want to keep my art expression real as I want my whole life to be. I spend a lot of time in my bedroom and on this bed. Sitting or sleeping.

The main reason for this art piece is not just a kind of selfie I want to share an experience of the divine while sleeping\resting on this bed. I want to be vulnerable in the telling because that is who I am. I want to show myself as I am, where I am and how I am but also I do pray that in the vulnerability you see something more then just me.

The other night I was lying in my bed much like this with my things on the bed beside me and yes I have creative license to make it look the way it looks. To be honest there is usually more stuff then that on my bed and can be in piles in my room around my bed. I have become more of a hoarder in my older years.

My phone and ipad are usually very close to me always. My phone particularly and not for phone calls but to text and keep in touch with the world through social media and I use it for so many things as well as reading and looking at art of all kinds. This bed is the same bed I have slept in since we bought it in 2000 or thereabouts after coming home to Victoria from Western Australia. We had to furnish a whole house and needed a bed. Queen size and I used to share it with my husband and can you believe its been 10 years since I was married.

So it has not always been a happy place to lie in as a single woman because I miss someone beside me. To snuggle up to at night. Being in this bed I am reminded of the past and what I do not have. I feel my aloneness. My singleness. So the other night as I lay here with all my stuff and those thoughts come.. When you ponder where you are in life. How you are feeling. What has happened to you to get you to this point. I was painfully aware of being single. Being deaf and on disability and living with limited means. Of living in a shared house. Of frustrations to be myself amongst close relationships. Of my body aging.. I was aware of my introversion. The struggle to be motivated…. Etc.. And as anyone would know the list goes on.. You lie there and lay your life or lack of life out in your mind and yes lol most of the hardest and most difficult parts are premiering.. My head was reeling with all my lacks and frustrations.

But wonderfully and the absolute reason for this whole sharing is I was also incredibly aware of a deep sense of peace within. I have felt this before. Once years ago leaning against a toilet door around that danger time of 5:30 ish for a parent when you’ve got a house full of kids and they all want you but you have a full evening before you can relax and rest up. I think there was even little hands trying to get in under the crack of the door.. Trying to find me.. I realized that I still had energy and was still going even though in those days I used to stay up way too late and Justin worked so much and we had struggles with each other even back then.. I recognized that peace and that I was being helped despite myself and it had nothing to do with me.

Another experience was during the time baby Tyler was ill and in ICU in hospital. It was during a very stressful and difficult time in my life when I wanted to escape into music that normally would make me cry and release emotions but I couldn’t cry and I didn’t know why but it was that peace within that kept me calm and still and when the realization came it is an incredible moment like you are suddenly face to face with God and all those hard things just sort of melt away.. And so again I was just suddenly transfixed by it and still am incredibly comforted yes in this bed as I am with all that I have experienced in my life. The thing about this peace is once you have experienced it you do not forget it and it can help you again when you remember!!! You instantly recognize that it is other worldly well at least I do.. HE himself has said it surpasses our understanding.. I think tribulations make it even more recognizable.

This peace comes again despite me and I would be remiss to say I have not contributed to how I am but I do not take credit for this peace. Much has happened to me out of my control, other things I just don’t work at changing. Other things again I just accept and some might call it laziness and I can be very lazy, others might say depression or a giving up. I don’t label it but I know that I have lost a lot of energy for much and live pretty basically and do minimal rather then maximum. I concentrate on spiritual rather then flesh.

This peace is not due to great faith I would not say I have great faith. I have faith yes. I acknowledge God yes. But I do not live as a majority who I know profess faith and live. I do not pretend to be someone I am not. But I believe and know God with me. I do not follow people or go to a weekly place of worship perse but look to God where I am and as I am and that can be 24\7 but not all the time it is rather I am aware of HIM always HE is the reason for everything. This peace is just so deep and so beautiful and again I HAVE to share it. I don’t even think of the fact that maybe few if anyone will read it though for peace sake I hope everyone does because this would help anyone whose life is difficult and how much does our world need peace.

Maybe the art will be seen simply because its colorful and stands out on social media and it might attract attention. People seem to notice art much more then writing but unless you know my heart the art is just a pretty bright digital art piece and oh LORD I hope my heart where you dwell is seen and people might want to think about you or find you. Amen and amen..

I truly hope others would find this peace and it isn’t to do with me. I do pray but its spasmodic. It isn’t cause I am any special kind of person because I am not. But that peace which is HIS presence is with us all you need do is to be aware and seek HIM for his sake HE says seek and you will find.

If I kept focusing on the troubles it be easy to be depressed because its been such an impossible struggle to live as I believe and share my heart which is my way in the world. To be even able to communicate normally and deeply when the world isn’t that way then being deaf on top its a cruel and difficult thing. I shared my heart with a loved one not long ago, no response as yet and that happens so much. I even wrote to them answer only when you can but I wonder you know why someone who says they love me as I am has no answer even if its to say well I need time or to think or I have no answer . I give people that option now not to respond not that I don’t want them too I do but I would rather feel more apt to invite non response then have it happen anyway and just live on as if that is normal. Such is my life.

That I do experience peace when I cannot communicate normally and struggle with it and there isn’t much coming back to me is incredibly affirming because I have not had to do anything special to receive it.. Bless God.. I feel so loved, so valued even as I am and especially as I am. I just look to HIM as I am that’s it. I talk to HIM as I am that’s it. I do find comfort in some scriptures which is HIS word to us. I have many that I know off by heart and I can thank my upbringing and many faithful Christians for teaching me to memorize it and store it in my heart.

It is this one that comforted me on my bed the other night.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 this is the King James Version because that is what I know..

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed but not in despair. Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

We are troubled on every side not distressed.. Makes me tear up.. Not distressed.. Because HE is with us.. HIS peace is perfect despite our imperfections and it comes to us right where we are.

I want to show myself in my pj’s I often stay in them for hours.. I love reading.. Writing.. Art.. Watching TV series and discussions and people speaking and living as their characters and in other worlds, true life stories and documentaries.. because I can read every word via deaf captions.. I feel like I am in the world again because they are living and loving and breathing, there is give and take..sharing back and forth and I can understand every word!!! I do not feel condemned doing art, watching TV, using social media and keeping a blog. Sharing my heart and my faith because that makes me happy and free and I am feeling a part of the world and we are supposed to share our faith. So even as an introvert with my things around me.. I am aware of HIS love and HIS abiding peace and I feel held. I just want everyone that feels different or struggles in this world to know that GOD loves you and will help you through all that batters your soul and HE can give you help within to live despite frustrations on every side.

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Deep Speaks to Deep

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Took my time with this one I may not get through many of the Advent words in the list I’m very loosely following.. I do find it hard to stick with something and I have many unfinished art pieces to back that up.

Today’s word is Creator.. I was watching a wild life documentary and incredibly beautiful whales were swimming.. A drone captured the whales from directly above and oh my it’s what inspired this art but I couldn’t get a good photo off the TV..

I searched for an image.. and loved one I found with sun rays streaming down.. Which have been my ‘thing’ and one of the ways I’ve felt and seen God in my world.. There was a period of time when they appeared in the sky almost every time I walked.. it was phenomenal really but I don’t think anyone else really noticed this though I did post quite a few photos on social media during this time..

Most of the things that encourage me are usually just things I see daily that might only seem to be for me.. such things keep me going and although I do share so many times I’m one of the only ones really enthusiastic about it..

I didn’t trace I haven’t for awhile now.. drawing ✍️ everything myself and of course digitally it’s easier to try and retry until it looks the way you want..

God is the mighty creator of every creature and I guess it makes you think more on the wonder of creation when you create your own art.. I love love love deep things.. so the deep of the ocean where these beautiful whales are swimming up towards the light resonates with my soul.. the light beams that are HIS presence and glory and yet there they are in the depths which often I’ve experienced personally as well..

I’m AMAzed even myself with this art and I kept putting it down while working on it thinking to myself.. I don’t think I can get it right.. it’s too much work. it takes too long.. but I did keep at it. And love what I’ve created.. it’s different to the photo so even though it’s inspired by the original photo it’s not the same. I love how my creative spirit actually over takes me and helps me with how to do it and gives me ideas as to what might work.. And either though I do not know what I’m doing lol I am actually doing it..

We know environmentally world wide oceans are feeling the devastating results of pollution, the greed of mankind and the effects of global warming and whales are often hunted and it’s absolutely heart breaking. The darkness of the earth was in my mind too as I did my art.. and how I resonate with that fear of what is happening to our planet and for us as mankind re pollution and how mankind’s greed affects us all and how we prefer to destroy rather then care..

But as an artist soul you take such care when you create and it opens your heart and eyes to more of the small details… so you know that you know that you know that God the most awesome Creator of all.. Has put so much attention to detail into our world that of course He isn’t just idly sitting by and letting it all go to waste.. HE truly loves and cares for us all.. and He has always had a plan in action and we do good to dwell on that at this time of year.. Advent reminds me of the divine glory of creation and even more the absolute perfection of the earth as it was at the beginning and still we can see that beauty even now in our world.. The Master Creator and Designer has not abandoned us. We can rest when we look up to the light.. that He will take care of everything if we can keep our minds stayed on Him and live by our Spirit.. We have to keep looking up, do what we can do and treasure our world and value ourselves and the creatures and ask Him for guidance along the way.. We can trust HIM with the future..

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Divine

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Divine – Taking my time thinking on Advent.. As I pondered the word divine I immediately thought of glorious images of grand cathedrals and my favourite sun light streams from heaven.. Mountains make me think of the majesty of God and grandness of divine creation as well stain glass windows and nativity scenes turn my heart to think of the same.. All glorious things and really they make us look up in awe and turn our thoughts to the heavenly but to humanly relate in our ordinary every day and not have to trek great distances to soak it in or wait for the experience to do so..

In order to sense it and bask in divine in the every day. It bodes us well to see Gods glory right where we are.. Actually inside us!!!

I always think of God when I see little birds.. and there are scriptures on how he cares for them.. feeds them and knows when even one falls to the ground… God used birds in the bible to bring messages and do HIS work and likened the Holy Spirit to a dove descending.. Creatures are part of Gods creation and I would not want to imagine my world or life without them.. Gods Creatures enhance our lives and earth.. They bring us pleasure.. They show us HIS love and attention to detail and I love as I draw my digital paintings how I am thinking of the smaller details as well. Amazes me the intricacy of faces, the light in the eyes, the lines on the face.. The passion in humans, and the way we can enjoy our live and interact with creation.. The birds who come daily into our yards, the colour of feathers, the tiny little heart beating inside the chest of a bird and how they flit from here to there.. and can fly away at a whim.

Of course Gods presence is everywhere wether we acknowledge it or not and His glory is shown in the beauty of the earth too.. And as HE says the Kingdom of heaven is within and HE has gifted mankind with being created in HIS own image so we are very precious and indeed fragile containers of divine.. So I focused my art on drawing the divine within humanity and displaying through HIS creativity the divine presence in us and how glorious that life is.. Life is from Spirit & it’s divinity at its very best.. When we recognise God having come into the world as us, born as human like us yet HE was also God and it has all been for a greater reason.. You can find incredible hope that HE has always poured out HIS love into the earth and upon creation and because you can see HiS attention to detail. You can know that HE has always planned to reset and make new the earth and will one day. Mankind may lose its way and forget their origin and not everyone takes care of our planet, creatures and indeed value and live in such a way as to respect life and every human on this earth.. But we can find HIM and know his peace if we just choose to see the divine in HIS perfect creation and trust HIM who put the stars in the sky. When we do so it changes the way we live and walk on this earth.

We can see the divine in us and all around us. If we continue to look to HIM we do what we can and trust that he will take care of everything else.

John 10:10 I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

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IMMANUEL

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– IMMANUEL- means ‘God with us’.. This is digital art and it’s not based on my own imagination I found an image on Pinterest. My art is inspired by an image by Ryan Lone/Getty Images. I just drew a likeness in my own interpretation..

God with me has saved my life.. extremely meaningful and personal this word..

This picture could have been a drawing of a kitchen sink! Because that’s where I was washing dishes in the past when I heard in my Spirit the words..

….I will be with you always…

Along with a few other words that I have clung too ever since.. I have never forgotten hearing them. These Words are life to me.

They were given to me when I was still married & living in the family home with our 5 children..

Probably no more then a few months later.. My 18 year marriage dissolved, oldest son moved out, we decided to sell up the house etc

Everything changed.. Very difficult time for me speaking personally.

So those words coming when they did helped me know God was always with me. I believed God and they went deep within me like an anchor in a wild sea and held me steadfast.. they reminded me continually I was not alone and that God was looking out for me and HE did.. HE still does.. Something happens when you stubbornly believe..

I didn’t get angry.. I never blamed God.. I needed HIM too much nobody else could walk through with me 24/7 like HE has.. Peace became my assurance that I could trust the light in the darkness. I was comforted many many nights when tears were my constant food.

Even though it’s tens years later.. I can still find incredible strength in this promise.. and I think the peace that comes with it is even more wonderful.. Because it has not been easy.. I currently house share with my parents and I have no worldly status or career or title.. I am low income.. almost deaf now.. hearing has declined in ten years. I am still single.. only two children left at home.. More reclusive.. not particularly do I stand out in any way.

But that peace shows up HIS presence even more when I have this inner hope shining within that all the hardships have never been able to dim. I know HIM best through long dark nights. That’s when the stars shine brightest..

So the divine presence depicted here in the night sky is really HIM with me even though darkness has been more a friend to me then the light. I overcome through it all because of HIM with me.

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

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The Word

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This is an art prompt based on Advent. Found through Instagram. First days prompt was ‘Word’

I wasn’t even going to do anything but then I saw a facebook friends photo. Which was the inspiration for my art.

I sat up took notice and this is what I commented to her photo.

*** It caught my eye today as Advent starts.. there’s a lady on Instagram who is doing a month of art prompts..first one is ‘word’.. mind if I do some art using your photo.. maybe just draw it.. I don’t of course understand why you posted it.. or if there’s some local controversy.. but that’s been mankind in general over anything everyone has their own opinions.. **

My friends Leigh’s response..

“Sharon Peart help yourself x

There’s a guy in town posts words on his fence , all different ones . I like this one for the same reason you like it 🙌🏻 he calls his are the word so make of that what you will 💗”

Photo taken in a town in Southwestern England.

It took me ages to draw and it’s not quite the same and yes has imperfections..

But I see that spiritual matters have a synchronisation about them.. I can’t help taking notice.. I do believe such things the timing and all have a deeper meaning and they fascinate me. I did want to give up as I drew cause I don’t feel my art has much purpose behind it being just for me.. I think to myself why am I spending so much time on this.. Personally though I’m always blessed when I do art expression. It connects me to express how I’m feeling.. makes me think.. makes me happy.. I sense Gods presence and it brings me joy and I love sharing it.

Maybe the man that displays these words didn’t intend them for Advent or maybe he did. How amazing is it that they had the power to move me across the other side of the world.

I like that even though they are just words they can mean different things to different people and they really stand out in an ordinary street setting.. which resonates with me personally as I hold Gods Spirit.. HIS glory within me in a very ordinary flesh body and I love sharing my faith too..

I believe God is the Word.. I believe HE is who he says.. and I’ve been helped personally by believing..

But the wonder of my believing is I can live in this current world and find GOD everywhere.. see HIM right here in this street across the other side of the world.. these words linked me to my friend, they especially make me think of God and they encouraged me to create this art.. They help me see His presence and his love for us in the everyday world and it’s comforting..

It’s the meaning we attribute to the word or is it the appearance of HIS presence filtered down in a form we can relate too?!? Every child born is created in HIS image..

May your spiritual eyes be opened this time of year like never before to see the wonder, love and be comforted right where you are and as you are.

John 1:14

The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.

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