Day 13 : Challenge

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Ways I live my life bravely..

I am writing this at a time, day, moment in my life where recent events have come to a head and I need to get it out of me. I don’t know if that could be considered a bravery but perhaps it is when I publicize it? I just cannot function and I know I will and do shut down if I do not do something more with it. I do not want to internalize it. Take the pain within and mull it over or continue to store it inside me. Bravery is facing it or getting it out and especially being honest about it. I want to get over it not keep reliving it and I certainly do want to learn how to cope better and how if anything I can stop it happening.

I do not have many at this stage I can talk about this with personally so yeah tough titties to those who would see me and think — grin and bare it or take it only to God. Cause that ain’t going to happen sorry I already take it to God and I still need to speak of it.

It is brave to speak the truth even if nobody wants to hear it or believe me. It doesn’t make it less true. It just destroys me if I say nothing and I am wiser than that. I won’t stay quietly suffering just because people cannot deal with me speaking about it.

I wish I could just solve it and get over it. I really do wish it. But sometimes when another person is involved and they keep doing the same things to me which hurts me. I cannot just say “I forgive you” and then let them keep doing it to me.. That is insanity. I deal with it and this is my way to do that.

I cannot just let someone treat me wrong because they do not think they are. That they use excuses to justify it or even gloss over it as if the problem is all me. Well hey if I am the problem then taking myself out of the equation is wise isn’t it. Lol yet they expect me to just stand their bleeding and get on with it and just forget it about it because it is in past. I will not especially if the past continues to be right now.

My blood and wounds may be invisible to you. My blood may run freely and still be invisible to you but this is not about you is it. You don’t need to read this. You don’t need to even consider this. I am not doing this to make you understand me or help you in any way. Heck no. I am doing this to survive.

Bravery even if it appears stupidity to you or anyone else is in-sequential. What is important is this is needed for me and I do it for me not you regardless of what you think or how it looks. I think that is strength and bravery right there. Though yes I do it publicly because for so long keeping quiet has made my life harder.

I have been hurt by how someone treats me. Someone that is close in relation to me. Someone who seems not to even know what they are doing even when I tell them and they do not seem to value at all how I feel about it. So all the speaking to them does nothing. At an impasse. This is my way to deal with it so it does not keep me down. I rise through the speaking. I do separate myself as much as I can from it. That brings its own problems but I will not just take blows upon myself because the other person doesn’t understand what it does to me. Maybe they do not understand my separation from them either but at least in the separating myself I am not being landed with blow after blow. That is far worse. Yes a quandary appears. I suppose everyone who only hears the other side would see me as stand offish. Rude. Uncaring. Bitchy. Cruel or even making the other person’s life harder. Again I do not do such to offend, place burdens on them but rather to protect myself from more harm. Often it is done out of sheer survival not to hurt but to help.

This is it then the need to explain myself as well but also because I need to say it somewhere. It helps immensely to validate that it is happening because believe me staying quiet is denial to me and not speaking about it eats me up inside. I am silently destroyed.

I sigh as I write. Why do I do this? Tell my side? To show that I am suffering? Does it matter in the long run? I need to do it. I need to say it somewhere so why not here? That I struggle with a relationship. It is said and I feel heard even as I type the words. I am not afraid to say it. I am not afraid to be honest about it. I do not think I am running the other person down when I talk about how it affects me. That is not my intention. I just thank God for the gift of sharing this way of writing. Of getting it out of me and that it matters to me even if it matters not to another soul.

When it comes to dirt roads… 

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project
Day 12
DIRT
“Of all the paths you take in life,
make sure a few of them are dirt.”
— John Muir

Today’s Journal Prompt:
When it comes to dirt roads…I am off the beaten track. There is the direction the majority takes and there is me. It has not been choice for the most part but rather that I just don’t need to fit into the mainstream anymore. The funny thing is we are told to go out into the world. Internet is a great world bringer together and a perfect going out all over the world vehicle. And yet majority live from the position and conduct of where they are and how they are rather than the spirit within themselves being the transporter into the world via self.

 
I see myself as one who has shot off the main stream into a smaller off shoot stream but the same current did carry me here. It happened to me rather than by me. I just went with the flow even though it is different to others. I do not have the fortitude to go back upstream neither the desire either. I go with it. There is no turning back for me. Force beyond myself that propels me forward and I have no idea where I am going I just know I am not alone even though it feels it. Spiritual sense of greater connection and purpose.
When I think of the word ‘dirt’ I think of earthy, I think of natural basic core. I think of dirt as perhaps bumpy, different and unforced perhaps a little rough and very spontaneous. I think of slowing down to enjoy the journey and being in the moment wherever you are. I think of adventure. I think of bare necessities. I think of getting lost but being found.

 

I am at a place in my life where I am out of my comfort zone. Not living from a throng of people around to influence me or support me or validate me. Not too many distractions. It is rather by the moment existence. Look up. Look within. When things around me line up I am glad it gives me intuitive vision to keep trudging on. This inner compass doesn’t say what will happen or how or what is next. It just appears from time to time and you feel things are right. Hard to explain. Relying on peace to guide me. If there is no peace I want nothing to do with it. If there is peace I can cope with just about anything at all and get through it no matter what it is.

 
As I was praying today this scripture has become a base for my prayers.

Ephesians 1:8 ‘the eyes of your heart being enlightened, in order for you to know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.’

As I said earlier it feels very much this ‘path’ is my calling. Yet I do not understand it and it can be very strange and much like being in unknown territory. It seems selfish. It seems in denial of all that most believe and are being. It seems almost defiant. IT IS a different track to most. A lot of believers talk about being holy, clean and pure. But this artistic, different, expressive, whole-hearted inner path is a breaking ground existence which can get rather messy. Would be considered very much a ‘dirt’ path. Self is frowned upon yet this is exactly where GODS Spirit takes up residence?!?! Being in midst of a larger congregation seems to be the in thing. So being on a solo type path is rather a no no. Yet it’s exactly here I have learnt the most.

 
Yet I am not alone. Never alone. Spiritually speaking we are all in the one vine yes? He being the unifying, eternal force that connects the whole of us into one so can one ever say we are alone when we are in the vine? Yet faith travelers tend to identify one another only by living a certain way. Being the church is seen as people coming together and God dwells in the midst. Yet in Spirit and truth how I live even in my artistic endeavors the Spirit is in the midst of ME and I function from that place where He and I dwell. I am not really different at all. Just my perception of it is different. I am from the same earth, the same dirt that our first ever ancestor Adam was formed from. The same Spirit breathed into him that exists in every human being and also in me. This dirt is my flesh home for His Spirit but in my size and shaped form. Beginning and ending in me but when I do things it’s flowing from me. I have the very same life force that Adam had and I believe and am seeing this is exactly where my beaten path is eking out from. The path is being lived out from inside of me. So therefore where I put my every foot, which creatively is my words, my expressions, my feelings, my hopes, my values, my life force however it comes forth. This is my path as wild and as back to the basics of ‘dirt’ it may appear. Everything I do even from my ‘core dirt soul’ is the kingdom life force living within and expressed through me.

 

Detours all arrive back at HIM in us.

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project
Day 9
Detours
“I am no longer afraid of becoming lost, because the journey back always reveals something new, and that is ultimately good for the artist.”
— Billy Joel

Today’s Journal Prompt:
I found my way back by… 



Where I focus my attention but I wouldn’t say back I would say “looking to HIM daily or moment by moment”. Jesus said I am the way.. So… my way is found in and through HIM.. Yet he is unseen and says HE is with me always so how does one find their way? I grew up learning there was a certain way to live and conduct yourself. How believers are supposed to live. But I have chosen to break away from more traditional worship. For me it is MORE these days about Holy Spirit than Jesus though everything is because of HIM.. Worshiping in Spirit and Truth. HE is all and the above anyway. 🙂
HE himself said unless I go away the Holy Spirit cannot come and be with you. Or something like that as I am not quoting scripture word for word here. Spirit has been very different and very much freer and doesn’t seem to be about “box type behavior” but it is about truth and definitely about presence yet not flesh. And also there is this unknown quality about Spirit. Intuition which seems a very un-biblical word..
I feel unafraid at any moment even if I am living a weird sort of life, a different sort of life even from everyone else. That I can feel lost yet HE is there with me and I cannot really be lost if HE is with me. Spiritual things can be hard to explain but more real then the explainable.
Such a strange thing but for the longest time I have wanted, yearned, desired, cried out for in prayer… a soul mate, someone to love and be loved by.. And its funny timing today being Valentine’s Day. But I feel a real peace today. As if that just because I am so aware of GOD with me right where I am. That because I am focusing on HIM and HIM being all and sufficient for anything I could need, want or desire. I just feel it will happen if its supposed to happen and it won’t be because I have done anything or not done anything it will be destiny. Lol such a romantic kind of word.. But when you are aware of Spiritual things you see a flow, a move, a connection to all of life. Even the little trials and tribulations we humans suffer will never be enough to stem that flow. Face to the sun kind of thing. Sun makes the flowers grow and bloom. God does the same to those who acknowledge HIM. Yet Rain falls on the just and unjust so in a way we all benefit despite even those who do not believe in HIM. HE is life, HE is truth and HE is the way. Circle of life starts, continues and ends in and through HIM.. Yet HE is eternal so there really is no end and no beginning because HE is that too..

So yes I cannot ever be lost even if there are a million detours. And I believe even detours are worked in because HE knows everything and HE is sovereign. There is never any fear in love. HE is perfect love. So why on earth would love be denied the beating heart of any creature who looked to the very source of LOVE itself.

What if I’m actually on the scenic route toward my dream right now?

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project
Day 8
SHORTCUTS
“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.”
— Beverly Sills
Today’s Journal Prompt:

What if I’m actually on the scenic route toward my dream right now?

Oh dear it all points to IT COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE it. Just now I had written out a whole piece of writing and was just editing it and my computer froze and I lost it all. I really do want to give up at this very moment. Everything in my body aches right now too and I don’t know why. I feel like a huge pile of crap.

I stopped dreaming a long time ago that my life could get better. It is blind faith alone right now that directs any path I am on. I do not go out much, see many people or have much hope of things changing. I rely on the scripture that says. When I am weak God is strong. Because believe me right now I am weak. And I am going to hit save every so often lol so I do not lose it all again because if this goes I don’t have it in me to do it a third time. I really don’t.
By grace in GOD almighty alone could I be on a path that goes anywhere. I do remember the gist of my writing and was explaining what encourages me on my dream less path. I have to trust in God for a dream as well. I day dream, that I can still do. It isn’t about things I could possibly imagine happening it is usually dreams that are escape type dreams from my normal unchanging life. I am someone else in my dreams and I can make them and myself whatever I want.
I have to believe blindly that I am indeed on the scenic route even if I see the same old same old. I have to believe there is even a dream for me to dream and a dream to be full-filled.
I just stubbornly look to God. Trust HIM. Completely and utterly trust HIM. This is how and why I do it.
I have a plaque on my wall that my former husband gave me. It says.

In all thy ways acknowledge HIM and he shall direct thy path. Proverbs 3:6.

Now these words encourage me when I am aware of them.
The story like much of my life is strange. My husband and I are divorced. He now calls himself an atheist. For much of our marriage I prayed for him to know God, many prayers I cried out with tears because it was something I wanted with every part of me and I sought God as earnestly as I could for a very long long long time.. Ha ha he went completely the opposite way. Yes this could be defeatist I suppose but that is where my faith ends and the faith GOD has given me begins.
I am stubborn and I had to move past human type faith because quite literally it has failed me and people’s faith failed me too. I need mountain moving faith now. Because it seems hopeless yeah!! I failed yeah. But there are those words given to me by a man who now doesn’t believe in God yet he has given me the very words that so encourage my heart and it’s this kind of miraculous faith that so far has not waned. It seems to booster my eyes and heart ever upward and inward to Gods Spirit which I KNOW is with me. And obviously this scripture does not encourage me because it appears to have worked physically yet.. but that I believe in these words to the utmost edges of eternity and back. I do not think eternity has edges though.. 🙂
The thing is if you take these words to heart, if you believe in them to the uttermost. It is not about where I go, how far I go, how wide I go, how I go, who goes with me etc.. It says I WILL be directed on my path if I simply acknowledge God in all my ways. THIS I surely have done over and over.. THIS is not beyond me in fact it is easy to do.. And I do so trust HIM completely and will do to my human death.. It is child like faith yes and as the bible says even a small sized faith ( like a mustard seed ) can move mountains. I am relying on HIM with all my heart and soul for not only my former husband because yeah I have not given up on him yet this way.. But it must be said quite frankly that I couldn’t get anywhere any other way either.

Manifesto

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Day 6 – manifesto

“Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing.”
― Eve Ensler

I want to say yes to…

Being Confident. Yes to being me in all my glory. The glory of GOD in me and it is my own personal shade of HIS glory given to all of us HIS created ones to enjoy. I see beauty in myself and for a long long time I did not. Losing fear.. Yes to personal growth!!! Yes to solitude because out of it IS coming wonderful things.

I am going to confess something to you or to myself or to whomever reads this.
Today I got some new art products. I got given birthday money early. So happy. So deliriously happy. Closing down sale in my city and everything was 50% off. So for a much smaller amount I got things I wanted and love and possibly will go back to get some more! The words on my pic are from that purchase today!!
Anyhow I came home. Sat on my bed with new things very happy. Than because of a conversation I had on-line with a friend the happiness started to dwindle and the wind in my sales lost it’s power.. I did this sitting thing I do and have done for a long time. I lost my momentum. Unfortunately half of the day I just sort of sat and whittled away time till at least Zali my daughter came home from high school. Ohhh I am a little ashamed to say that.. I could have been doing art half the day or anything else constructive instead of right now last thing at night.
Tonight I have finished off a picture I started yesterday with reference to the above days prompt. Actually I was mailed the wrong prompt lol so I adapted to this one today which is the right one. They both fit. That’s just how art is in my life these days. Flows in just about any direction I am facing.
The way this picture came about isn’t by sitting and thinking about what should I do. I just saw the picture on the back of a ‘Frankie’ magazine and thought I love that I am going to have a go at drawing it. Had I sat and thought about it I might have given up. But when I started it I just kept at it. The background wasn’t even a blank page it was a pink page already created to journal on.

I kept going though. When I got up to drawing the butterfly I was like ‘How am I going to make it look authentic, there are too many little details to draw?.’ But I just kept going because I do not want it to be exact but a representation of it and I don’t think I ever would have got it the same any way. The original pencil lines were fainter so I could go over them till I was reasonably happy with the shape. Then I just defined the lines and colored it in. Created with Faber Castell Gelatos and I am surprised at myself that I have so much more confidence. I can’t really say it was one course or another that taught me this. More a variety of artists and just doing what I love to do; I went here and there and artists always say keep at it. Make it something you regularly do. Draw, write, paint etc but do it daily and don’t be anal about it just keep at it. Embrace the process. If you don’t like it keep going and work at it, don’t give up. Kelly Rae Roberts is the one who helped me to press on even if I didn’t like what I was creating.

Go by your intuition. The picture that I chose to draw just so fits my life. I have gone inward. I have focused more on spiritual inward life. I have experienced deep peace. Butterflies have featured in my art and writing before. New life.Completely different life. Light. Wings. Flying on wings.. Spirit. Confidence was my word for the year last year. I don’t have to think much about creativity I just know what words to use instinctively and it is all meaningful to me and to my life and how I live. That to me is a miracle especially when I sit for a great deal of the day and find myself vegetating. It is the straight path GOD promises to people who trust Him and do not worry about trying to understand.

Incredibly personal and meaningful and I love what I have done.. I am happy with it. And last little note is the bright red lips showing through even the small part that I have underneath the butterfly signify that there is more a boldness in me. I know I know it is small. But I think therein lies some great hope and the lips ha ha show that even though my spirit speaks mostly in my creative life and my voice has been hidden it is breaking through now YE HA.
There is still SO MUCH MORE to come.. YES YES to more boldness and YES YES to more confidence!!!!

And IT IS GOOD!!!

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project  Day 4

QUESTION
“And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?”
― Rumi
Today’s Journal Prompt:
I am pulled inward by… circumstances and pure delight.

I asked GOD why yesterday. Why this has happened the way it has? Why it has been such a lonely type of journey and what was supposed to happen next? Like ok GOD it is a Spirit thing I get that. But ok now what? I acknowledge You are here and even though it feels like I am alone. I am not because You are here. The very prompts above make me squirm a little because it seems all about me though and wow that cannot be right can it? I mean isn’t the journey of life supposed to be ALL about other people and me last of all? GOD first of course. The outward has not given me much help except to tell me all the things wrong with me and how I should face it and ways to survive in the outer world. Yet when I do allow the inward. You GOD to be center and all the other stuff to fade still they find fault or just want to write me off?? I mean I am supposed to just go and forget myself and do service to the community to tell them about YOU when I don’t even know where I am going or what my purpose is. Anywhere but here. That sounds rather hollow to me. Like I am getting the person in a shell only because they have to be there. Not because they really want to be. Out of service rather then the heart. Fake.

Only when I look to YOU alone can I still my beating heart. Can I breath easily and find my own rhythm. And its only by knowing who I am that I am found confidence in the gifts and joy of being creative and my creative journey has given me back a voice the world wanted to shut down. Only by closing my heart to the voices who for some reason find fault and not add support can I do the workings on a page or writing like this. I cannot do those things when I am doing what is a constant struggle without help and living a certain way because everyone does it like that. I am not anyone else I am me. There it is. I am pulled in wards not out wards. Is that a sin or should I fight it? Is not this where heaven is? Is this not where you are? Is this not where my Spirit and Your Spirit are one? Is not this where the real me lives? The me that will live on for all eternity when my body eventually ages and dies and me lives on. All seems so deep and yet so different to the way of the masses. Yet I love deep and deep calls to deep.

When I think about it I have never been drawn to the shallower things. I want and crave deep. It bores me chit chat so I excuse myself from it. My deafness has been a bonus in this. I can say sorry I cannot hear and step away. But I feel guilty though. I feel I have missed so much of the every day conversations and things that EVERYBODY seems to know. Yet have I really missed so much? Or am I the one learning and growing from the all that the rest ignore because the outer life is the way to go. Yet the outer life only exists for as long as we are in the body.
The fascination about any kind of art expression is. It will live on after the flesh person is no longer. How many books, paintings, poems, pieces of architecture, films, sculptures and so on will remain on earth to be seen, loved, admired and studied after the author, actor, artist, painter, etc has passed on.

The very thing that is happening right now to me in this prompt, in this 30 days of having to sit and journal is there is no boundaries on my spirit at all. I can write what I want and think what I want and instead of looking to the constrictions of my life I am free. For once in my life I am seeing it.. Freedom. Because its Sunday. As I write this millions of Australians are sitting in churches under pastors or teachers and they do that every week, or more often. Yet here I sit on my bed, with my trusty lap top. And I have the same Spirit they do. Yet I can be in my own home, on my own bed, in my pjs even, yet I am still a part of that. Not because of where I am but because of the Holy Spirit. That is the same anchor we all have yet HE doesn’t say do this or do that. HE is in us. HE in us make the whole lot of us one. Right where we are. As we are. HE gives us freedom. HE gives us talents and HE gives us choices. This art is my talent. This art expression is my choice.. And the way I am being is HIS gift to me. This freedom every person in the world has right now. It is a joy. It is a knowing. It is a force greater then us yet available to all of us. I just acknowledge HIM and let my spirit flow. Strange though how it happens in and through me.
And IT IS GOOD!!!

Unknown

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project

Day 3

UNKNOWN

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do,

we have come to our real work

and when we no longer know which way to go,

we have begun our real journey.”

— Wendell Berry

My real work might just be…

Starting, becoming clear, springing from this place?

Oh my how that quote above just makes me sigh deeply like suddenly my soul found it had stopped breathing and didn’t quite know it. Because I often sit thinking of all that I should or could be doing and have absolutely no idea what to do with myself and its such a hopeless feeling and I cannot literally move. I am afraid that if I did ask GOD it be just the same old same old and all the crap I have been through would have been for nothing. Yet I know HE doesn’t waste anything. I know HE has been with me through all the strange occurrences that has been my life. I have not felt HIS displeasure or felt guilty except only by the words of humans who say they are speaking for HIM?
Yet where are they when I am struggling? Judging? I thought the Holy Spirit was supposed to prompt people into action but so far nobody has been getting it except artist type people. People who have struggled and who are what the world considers broken people. They seem more in tune with the Spirit of God than people who spend their lives dedicated to God?? It all makes me look at HIM only at HIM and perhaps what encourages me even though it seems not the way a majority move is just when I think I cannot go on a little ray of light breaks through and I find myself encouraged and fear fades away.

Unknown territory. Where nothing of the normal or old type things work anymore. Its like everything has pushed me here. And even though it has been hard and lonely and isolating strangely I do not wish to go back. I often think how can this be? Majority move a certain way surely I am way off the beaten track yet I find despite myself incredible peace and joy and intuition I know is not me. Maybe it is all for a reason. To begin that REAL journey my soul has been crying out for. I suppose I should not be disorientated when its all new ground around me, all unfamiliar and strange. Because that is exactly what breaking into the NEW is.

So this is it then. This New way. And I just realised yet again when I am honest about where I am something comes alive in me. I can express myself easily. I can find the words that only a short while ago failed me. What a strange thing this is though. This strength in weakness. This surge of life where moments ago I was lost and direction less but now I am moving in spirit, confidence brimming over and it feels really really good.

Journey Day 1

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Day 1
JOURNEY
“There is only one journey. Going inside yourself.”
— Rainer Maria Rilke

 

Today’s Journal Prompts:

 
Going inside myself looks like…

 
It’s become mostly a journey of one and God for me lately.. Stubborn faith but also a faith that sees through all outward circumstances. Going inside myself and journaling about life when I can express it on a page is what truly keeps me looking upward and going forward. So many times I have worked on prompts and taken similar courses to this.. I keep coming back to the “self” because to me this is where GOD is and it is where I am. Where I see Him best. In me. But also a place I have learned to find love for myself where I never knew it quite to the same extent before. Because of course I know me well and I know the parameters of myself and am well aware of all my breaking points.

Because of this I can clearly see HIS presence at work in me and around me and when ones eyes are open to it.. it changes everything. It’s in this place I am literally face to face with God and although it can be a different world to the one we all know, it helps me remain open to wondrous things. Things that are coming into better focus.  I just have to not let the seen and known distract me and they continue to do so but art journaling is a way of looking beyond the ordinary to the extra-ordinary.
Makes me ponder it all and what I reflect on is poured out onto the page. I remain hopeful to the point where I am not as easily overwhelmed with other things I struggle with daily. Art and writing do really take your eyes and mind away from everything else at that very moment.
I guess to others it might surely seem a very selfish journey but it has been one that clearly and powerfully shows me how closely and intimately GOD is involved with our world and particularly my own personal world. Maybe if my life was easier and I had so many other things to do and I was not as forced to travel it so humanly solo. I would never would have been as delighted in the discoveries and in so doing pass them along contained in my art expressions.

I realized last night as I struggled with a nightmare that you really cannot separate GOD and me. Even when it appears to others I have taken a complete detour to the life I once lived.. I do not stop talking about HIM it’s just a whole different view now. Even in my dreams I met up with family members who were struggling and I was talking about God with them. I was trying to help them even as I was fighting evil in the dream. I realize I am never forced to do spiritual art yet that is EXACTLY what my main focus is.  I know that I know that I know I am not wanting to go along old paths and use old terminology because I want to learn new things and I want to travel to the edges of what the kingdom of God is and wonderfully and amazingly the bible says it is within us. You’d think the path inward where our spirit lived would be boring and repetitious and make one stagnant and would run counter-wise to what the opinions shaped by others would be. But oh no it is anything but and I think it tends to be ground breaking at least among the people I know. And the beauty of it all is when you do meet another spirit led person you always find things in common!!! How about that!!!
IT EXACTLY fits with the right now; who I am and where I am.

Link below to find more information and to sign up to the free journey experience anyone can take with Lisa Sonara. 30 Day journal project..

Journey

Amazing how the messages come to me

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— Wrote in my diary — today 24th January 2017

Looking through the hashtag on Instagram #myfearlessyear2014 by artist Beth Morey. 

Feeding my soul. I think this is my problem. I’ve been starving. A starving soul. Wondering why I can’t function.  I need to eat first. 

(Bizare) next thing I see.

Quote from pic below

 “The main thing is to stop struggling and nourish yourself.” 


I’m so thankful. Gods Spirit with me wherever I go. Always speaking.. 

Two more quotes I found while there that I love.. 

Stop being relevant. Just be you. 

I’m not interested in spirituality that cannot encompass my humanness. 

How to be part rainbow and live with the rest of the colors?

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I am sorry but I react differently to the way I used to be. I cannot be the same anymore. The old ways just don’t work the same and I don’t want to go back. I want to go forward.

I find it very difficult nowadays to relate to people because I live from my Spirit rather then outward formalities. The christian life I grew up in, since I have come out of outwardly living it. (The only way I can really say it.) I realize I was not fully myself. I was another shadow self or I adapted ways to speak and act that were not really me but what I thought I should be and what others around me were being. It is not that they are right and I am wrong now or that I am right and they are wrong. It is not like that it’s just I wanna be my own color but yet still be a part of the rainbow.. which I am I know in my heart. We are all a part of the circle of life, Gods family of all colors and races it’s just for some reason we do not recognize it in each other and do not really know the fullness of what HE has done for us as a whole creation.

I see people speaking a certain way now and I love the person but… I just don’t know how to answer them anymore. I realize now that is how they have been with me too and why it has seemed I have fallen through the cracks. When I say cracks I mean a whole lot of people haven’t had anything to do with me anymore and you just sense distance and that’s not just me pulling away but them too. Treated me differently. They must see what I write and how I am and they cannot gel with me the same just as I haven’t been able to gel with them. So there is this gap or what seems like a gap in our connection I suppose you could say. Yet we are the same in spirit. I see this because we are all created in GODS image and created by Him so there is similarities in all of us. I cannot see sheep and goats anymore. Sinners and saved. I see what Jesus did is for all mankind. Most just do not know to the extent of what HE did and see it as only for those who do certain things and live a certain way. I see HIM as the way and that I and everyone else (even those not knowing) are included in that. That is actually a whole other way I am different in my beliefs now too.. What I have learned in this journey. There will be some who will read no more and call me blasphemous but I hope despite any differences anyone can still read on.

I do write this though as a sort of apology to all the people I cannot gel with atm. I really wish I could explain it but the way people talk, the things they say. I cannot be like that anymore. Come at them like that. Speak like that anymore. I just cannot and of yet I haven’t known how to speak, act and be me and let you be you and believe what I do and you believe what you do. Find a middle ground sort of thing. I do so wish to be a peace child. I realize as I write this there are people who do not even believe in God and have a different view altogether. Even if you do believe differently, we are all humans on earth collectively speaking even with our differences. We are all people who would do better as a whole if we were living side by side in harmony even with our differences.

I struggle when anyone is using a different kind of language than I am especially using Christian terminology to communicate to me and it has appeared to me if I am not like the majority of Christians, there is immediate break down in speaking back to me or acknowledging me.

To explain myself. Jesus said it is like this.. it’s like putting new wine into old wine skins. I see to be a believer at all it has to be a whole new way of being. I do believe I am living now more or mostly from my Spirit and not from my flesh or living the christianese way.. I made the word up.. Lol. But the trouble is if everyone else was living from their spirit or even some of their spirit wouldn’t there be at least some connection? I am no longer coming from the outward behavior standards and I see that makes all the difference. Yet I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water altogether. I see some who leave the formal way and give it all up. But I still very much believe in God.

When I thought of writing this I thought of the colors of a rainbow. How the rainbow is.
We see the colors after rain or when the light reflects a certain way. We see all the colors but say ‘hey there is a rainbow!!’. We don’t dissect it and think every color should be the same because it wouldn’t be a rainbow if it were all one color!!

Or we don’t just recognize it for the blue or the green or the yellow. We love it for its unique beauty in all its glory. We love it because it contains all those colors side by side and together they paint the sky in iridescence. I don’t ever get sick of seeing rainbows. A rainbow encompasses all the colors not excluding any and no one sees it for only certain colors unless they are color blind.

Of course humanity is much more then seven colors but each of us is our own shade of similarity. I have yet to learn how to speak to the yellows or greens or purples or pinks and be who I am and yet let them be who they are. Because in the past. I thought of myself as a christian and I identified with christians. Everybody else were sinners going to hell. I mean how bad is that!!! I realize this is something I am growing out of and 40 years of doing things and seeing things a certain way takes time to adapt out of. Not fully there yet. So I shouldn’t be so surprised when someone doesn’t get me either especially right now.

It isn’t really something you can be taught. Spirit seems to transcend understanding. Spirit encompasses all. Doesn’t have borders. It cannot easily be labelled yet you can see it and you are moved by it and empowered by it. It isn’t about rules and regulations. I don’t think it can be easily explained either. But you know it is within you and every living creature has a spirit or life force in them.

People talk about reading bibles, praying, doing this or that. Speaking this way or that. Not bad things but it seems anti what is a general life force in all. But as an artist I have learned ‘one word’ can speak so many things to me. It is like I have learned scriptures since I was a baby. They are deeply ingrained in me so I suppose there is good in learning what the bible says. And I live by words I have learned from the bible. I have followed them, learned them off by heart and they truly have given me light, comfort, strength, guidance, yes life etc. I have known of God through them.. What Jesus has done. They were passed on to us as Gods speaking through man to help us. But man can also be imperfect so I sometimes learn to see through the Spirit at what is behind the words and it can change the whole perception.Jesus was the word.. 🙂

I do believe there is much much much more to it all then first meets the eye. Spirit opens up the word to you in ways that transcend human understanding!!

But looking at rainbows, doing art, talking to God in my room in tears and joy and every other emotion I have learned much about HIM too. HE transcends the book about HIM .. I am not throwing away my bible lol.. I just embrace life and spirit and I am so thankful for what HE has done. Giving us life, a beautiful world, words to help us live.. HIMSELF always with us. So much good in the bible. I think though I won’t just speak bible but let it speak through me in my own words and with my own colors. Let HIM speak to me through it and other ways too. It all fits together anyway and it makes sense the more you know the truth and more sense than ever before.

I actually got up, closed the lap top and thought this writing was rubbish at one point today. But I will persist with it because its how I am and where I am. Learning and growing and contemplating GODS Spirit with me and what it all means to me living in this world. I don’t feel right often saying how I feel re people’s opinions especially if I am different to them but I feel just as wrong saying nothing and not acknowledging them.. Everyone deserves to be acknowledged.

I used to say how I feel to people but I don’t know it doesn’t feel good anymore and I think my struggles haven’t helped people only pushed them away and I never meant to do that. I want to be heard and respected for who I am and I want to hear you and respect you too.. So this blog is my way to get it out of me what I believe and feel and struggle with and what I am coming to know and embrace.

I cannot seem to easily express how I feel without coming across wrong. People have deleted me even family and it hurts my heart. It has been hard being different, not easy stepping away from all I once understood and I am coming to terms with what my place is in the world. It can be extremely lonely and I have had to create a type of distance to let my heart be renewed because if I did go back to that old life I have changed and as Jesus Himself said you cannot put new into old. Doesn’t work the same anymore.

I don’t see that God will contradict himself. He doesn’t change unlike us. I just think we might have got it wrong some where and maybe lots of some wheres and it maybe even just a little here and there but like chinese whispers if you don’t hear the message right as it passed from one to another the whole message is completely changed from the original and the more it is passed alone the more different it gets. I think the whole truth is much more wonderful and much more inclusive then we ever thought possible and if we did know even a little more then we do now and then a little more and a little more again etc of the purity of the truth.. it would continue to draw us all closer together as mankind not separate us.