Tag Archives: Hope

Power Of Seeing Hope.


I have been putting off posting my latest art. But till I attend to it I can not move forward. It sits beckoning for me to share it, to talk about it before I do anything else art wise.

To be completely honest it doesn’t feel good enough to express all that I feel led to share so why bother and so I feel kind of down and stuck because I wish I were better at expressing myself to the world. But it is what I did, I enjoyed doing it and this is where I have to trust God in my feeling inadequate. I have to see hope that there is a reason for everything and that it can be for more then just me.. Not be afraid.. Go forward with my message regardless to what I am feeling now and was at the time that there is a greater reason.. So I will just be brave and share what is on my heart as it is.

I did this art piece after watching a newly added Netflix documentary about a prison in Western Australia.
“Lockdown Oz: Maximum Security.”
It moved me so much that I used some new water color pencils to try to symbolize my feelings.

The stories of many souls that had lost their way moved me deeply. Incarcerated in a prison that has a bad reputation in our country but the people that work there really do so in such a way to give prisoners a fair chance at making something of themselves with the hope to never have to return once their sentence is over. They are given opportunities with good behavior to better themselves, start a new career and find something positive to do once they are released.

Obviously if you do the crime you do the time. But still the stories, the bleakness of living in captivity amongst so many other criminals and many are hardened by difficult back grounds and not to mention the darkness of many who have known not much else then a life of crime and wrong choices. It’s sad even though the prison is built with extensive gardens and lovely grounds, being an open campus facility.

Incredibly wardens are not carrying weapons, they have a different system in place to try to combat crime by not arming those who guard the prisoners. You do forget as you watch that there are many very dangerous people living in this place because their seems so much more openness and trust then you think would be possible.

One female warden shared about a very traumatic experience in the past when a large part of the prison became a battle ground. Prison officers lost control of their prisoners in an uprise where a mass of prisoners just went berserk and took over. So much anger and pent up feelings were let lose and her life as an officer had been in great danger and jeopardy at the time. Prisoners ripped bricks out of walls and used them as missiles and ran in gangs trapping guards. It would have been incredibly scary. She survived to tell us her story..

I was amazed she didn’t give up the job altogether after coming through that riot.

The beautiful colors in the sky I couldn’t help drawing were featured towards the end of the documentary just after this same lady was speaking about all the worst of her experience.. And it seemed such tranquility and a complete opposite to the horror of what had just been shared. The air was filled with a healing presence.

I was so impressed I hit pause and took a photo with my phone.

Absolutely brilliant sunset much too beautiful for me to capture but striking enough that I wanted to try to do an art piece on it.

All the ugliness, fear, anger, depression, blood being shed, sins of the inhabitants that trapped them in this life and unfortunately drove many into such a frenzy that after this fore said riot there were lock downs in place for somewhere like 12 months afterwords.

That same female warden said this about it..

“You’d go mad. You have to virtually switch off from that. No one on the outside, unless they’ve been in here, could understand. And even when a visitor comes in and they walk around our grounds and they’re beautiful. They’ve got flowers and green grass and shady trees, and the birds are nesting. And its just paradise out there… until someone pulls out a knife and starts cutting someone’s head off, which has happened.”

Then this incredible West Australian sunset flashed on the screen and that is the picture I drew and colored as brightly as I could but yes my talent nowhere close or could match near the natural colors of Gods masterpiece creation..

The deaf captions were reading.. same time ( birds chirping) when I took the pic so it seemed very peaceful not just a pretty sky.

All that chaos shared beforehand seemed to immediately pale in comparison as these colors mesmerized with such a stunning natural display that stretched like a healing blanket out over this place and it changed the whole atmosphere and direction of the documentary.

The bible says flesh is weak I know mine is. I heard story after story of people’s struggle within Casuarina Prison and some souls will not with-last their bodies ability to conquer that flesh in this life time. They said some will get out and not long after be straight back in prison.

I paced the house praying for those whose stories I watched and of course many are within prison and never get to tell their stories and yes many very violent people no one would wish could ever walk the streets again and their stories make you shudder and it is frightening to hear.

It does seem so hopeless but then I see this exquisite sunset and even if I showed the screen shot of it on my phone it would be far better in real life.

How it comes and goes so quickly, the size and expanse of it as it floods the coming night time sky. The brilliance and beauty and how it comes despite us. So far reaching.

The bible says where the flesh is weak the spirit is strong. Spirit is more powerful than flesh. Spirit lives on forever even when the body dies. I see the prison and bars and barb wire and it symbolizes everything that is semi-permanent but is ugly and difficult in our lives. It might loom menacing and never ending for now but it will pass away. End one day. Seasons come and go and even if things in this life don’t ever become what we hoped. Every human story has a beginning and end. But God has promised us there is eternity. A forever after. Forgiveness. Hope. HIS love stronger than any evil and Jesus has already made a way for all of us despite evil.

Love that wins all at the end of time.

When I see the colors that stretched across the sky over the prison. I saw hope for anyone caught up in something that traps their body and taints their human body and soul. I see that HE is with us even in the hardest places. HE is greater then evil. That is what I see. Hope.

It is my desire that no matter who feels trapped in their life or circumstances that they get a revelation that no matter where they are, how they are, GOD is with them, loves them and there is always hope. HE is greater and HE is with us. Power in our weakness.

JESUS is the light of the world. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

The Kingdom of heaven is within you.. Luke 17:21




I feel most at home.. Sharing my heart unashamedly and freely. But there is a risk to it. You put yourself out there and you are opening yourself up to be criticized, judged and talked about. Ha ha either become popular or unpopular or completely misunderstood. 

Yesterday I shared my heart on a topic on-line and immediately felt the latter so that I edited it quite a few times then eventually deleted it altogether. I could see it seemed what I wrote was personally aimed but it really wasn’t. I felt I had to change it even though I’d done nothing wrong.  I realise I need to be careful. But sometimes no matter what you say or how you say it someone can take it wrong.. 

So although one needs to be wise when they open up yeah if you did stay safe you may not put anything out there at all. I wonder sometimes why there has seemed such a personal negative splash back on my sharing and simply for being myself? Many people have wished I was quiet. I give sport to others. Why I can still feel afraid saying anything? If you thought about it too much you would stop altogether.

You know what? I’m still saying it 🙂 fearlessly.. Bravely..  be it with a little trepidation. 

 You’d think by sharing your heart you are actually wanting attention but that has never been the case with me. Just how I am made and I don’t have the support system around me to talk about it so I do this instead. I write and express creatively about and from my own personal experience. Perhaps it is why it appears so acutely that others feel it to the extent they think it is about them or their lives? So maybe I should not be afraid of misunderstandings but indeed see that they are showing me there is some recognition to be found in what I write. I have always felt sorta different to most. But if someone is noticing than there must be some kind of similarity at some point. Otherwise I’d be so off base they would either think I was crazy and ignore me altogether or take no notice at all. That they do says something. Though I do not like anyone thinking I’m having a go at them because its definitely not who I am or being made fun of even if it is behind closed doors. You psyche seems to pick up vibes though and you do sense the people who could be doing it. Maybe it is a God thing too?

Home for me is my every day life, being inspired by what surrounds me and by what brings me alive and I love talking about that. Keeps me going. Like right now I want to stop because of the incident yesterday because this writing seems stupid and maybe even pointless.

Home is where my spirit is and where I can be totally myself but should I be? Why am I afraid right here and right now? Why do I want to stop writing? Nobody needs to read it? Why can’t I just enjoy this? What does it matter if someone misunderstands me? I mean it happens to us all doesn’t it? I do not go out of my way to offend anybody. I live from my heart. I don’t know why others cannot see that my heart IS NOT evil. It has almost destroyed me that people thought the worst of me. But sometimes it has been that various people have been jealous and I do not know why? Maybe that I can do this? Talk about myself, feelings, express it openly? I do not know. I am not going to stop though I never have. This is where I live, brought alive through writing, through expressing ups and downs, thoughts, feelings and joys, sadnesses. Sometimes not many notice but that is ok. I enjoy doing it anyway and if you look at my art you can see I am not a perfectionist. I drink my coffee, I get things off my chest. I do some art. I tell my truth. I share my faith. I can even share my insecurities. I have gone through very hard things and thankfully they did not stop me. I have grown here. I have faced it and I have done some healing.

Home is where my heart is and where my heart is expressed I am most happy and free. I always enjoy returning to expressive writing, prompts, arts and journaling. I return to read. Return to open up my heart. Return to share it where I do also connect with others. Return to remember who I am and what matters most. Return to express life where I am always welcome even if it’s a struggle to find the words or stay and battle it out on a page. Even when I feel restricted by things that try so hard to shut me down my every word is determination to overcome my personal demons. Home because God is here and His Spirit meets me here too, no wonder I love it here and indeed I think creativity is my run too place. If the outside world is hard, I’m lonely or feeling restricted in any way. I always have this place to return too.. For me this is Home.

Heart Recycle 101 writing exercise 



 My take on this.. 
Dark side of late has been emitting to me great tales of woe.
Which is so easy to take on board.

I think if I consider these they seem to multiply and the darker it gets.

Woe to me because I’m always so alone..

Woe to me because nobody wants to be with me.

Woe to me nobody notices what I do or cares that I do it.

Woe to me there is always someone worse off so I don’t have a right to be woeful at all.

Woe to me I could do more, be more and try more.

Woe to me they do not like the way I say things or the things I say.

Woe to me what is it I do again? 

Woe to me I rub people up the wrong way and they even tell me and I keep on doing it! 

I mean seriously what is wrong with me?

The biggest darkest demon of all is called Comparison.

He’s huge because he is very good at pointing out all that I don’t do and all that everyone else does. I shrink in his presence. He also raises his head in people when they judge me. I feel so small besides them. So inadequate. Why even try?

He loves to shine the spotlight on the totally active people in my world who just shine and everybody is singing their praises.. Everybody loves them.. And than there is me hidden and ashamed. The very fact of it appears I’m inactive but that’s not true. I just can’t compare. I don’t want to be compared because it always means I’m less.

Finds great humour in making me so very aware of these adored people and their every accomplishment and every supportive person in their circle and how they are so rewarded for their efforts. That they are highly spoken of and of course people want to be around them.  Even more it appears I don’t meet certain standards and who would even consider me in light of what they do daily.  
And than there is me at the bottom of the pile with my one friend who I annoy too much and I don’t deserve anything good because I don’t do near enough to earn it.
I can’t help but clearly see how lacklustre my puny little life is.

With few on my cheer team it makes his points appear oh so right and oh so justified.


To the demons who remind me daily how it is,

Although you know me well and I haven’t lived up my end of life as well as I could have, should have and definitely fall short. Yes I agree with you on so many things. 


I have hope.. His name is Jesus. Defeater of demons. 

Defender of the fallen. He is light and when light comes darkness always goes no matter how dark it is and how much of it there is. It goes. Darkness cannot overcome light. Ever. 

My darkness and failures evaporate and I’m drawn upwards. 

I win! I’m not longer hidden! We all share the light!

He said what you have meant for my harm He will use for my good and it will help others. He also said when I’m weak He is strong. I’m going to uphold His promises as my standard always and especially whenever you come against me. I believe He tells the truth and thankfully He also said it trumps even my shortfalls. He said that He has already done enough for mankind which balances it all out and secures the end and I trust Him. 

The truth of the matter is I’m freed from any restraint and always encouraged and I am given wings. I can rise above and not shrink beneath.

Yes ok ok I give you lots of fodder and ammo to use against me but even your best shot is quenched by faith in Him.. Yeah even the smallest of faith is more than enough to destroy your firriest arrow. You see in Him all of us are one. So the things all the others do that appeared humanly seen its all different when the unseen comes into play and the whole true picture emerges. We all have our place and purpose. In Him we find life and have movement and become fully who we as individuals but together. We’ve all been given gifts (even me) and He promises that he would bring all life to the fullest completion. Meaning no matter what happens it all works out for the best so guess what no matter what you say or show me of others. I get to enjoy the journey too and I am part of this and no matter how it appears I’m included and all of us are loved and as important as any other.

Same beginning and same end and eternity means but wait there is more!

Case against me is closed. He already won.

Through Him who upholds the very thread of life itself. I win you lose! All of this works together for good.. So yeah your best and my worst and my best and your worst only serves His purpose now. 

I’ve already read the end of the book. 🙂

Keeps Me Praying


Last night I dreamt of my ex husband… I dream about him often… I don’t understand it though…
He has his own life and there are no physical signs he wants me back in his life..
I have come to the place that whatever relationship on earth I have with him… Eternity is forever and I pray that for him most of all.. That one is assured! But I think why.. Why dream about him so often… It’s hard I get lonely and I don’t want to be single forever.. My circumstances have not been easy.. Being almost deaf… Single mum and having prayed for my future for what feels like forever…
I do cry still over it… It’s been a long long long road… I don’t know what is ahead… I mean people have ideas.. They get into a relationship. They make a career… I don’t have any of that.. I have my kids… I love my kids..

But I didn’t sign anything that said I was going to do this on my own…

I have not given my faith up… God is with me that I know… I smile knowing my own weaknesses… Because in my weakness I see His strength and this kind of tenacity to not give up… I know I don’t have a clue why or how or when… I have prayed for many people like myself over the years… But I have not seen physically too many breakthroughs yet I keep praying.. I wonder though what it is that drives me?
I mean people who see miracles you can understand they being busy… People who are in a group working kinda encourage each other. Even couples together can work and help one another…

But mostly I’m a loner… Yet I keep praying… 🙂 that makes me know something is going on behind the scenes..
That despite tears, frustrations, the lack of physical manifestations, long periods of praying for the same things.. I must have some inner hope that holds me strongly to this life I live… People do pray for me I know it..

But the things I’ve wanted most, dreamed of, hoped for and longed for…. have not happened yet.. Its those things I continually lay at Gods feet… Daily seeking Him for strength, guidance, even sometimes giving up completely cause its too hard yet here I am!

Still in this place… Still hoping… Still believing… Still praying.. Still speaking faith… Bless The Lord O my soul and all that is within me bless Your holy name…


Lead me on into Your keeping


I have known for a very long this life has been too hard for me to live.. I know compared to others its not…. but Im not others.. I am living this life.. my life.. and personally speaking from within it.. I know its more than I can personally cope with.. I can clearly see where I ended and GOD has taken over.. Believe me that was a long time ago.. I have cried billions of tears over all this.. but I have also soared spiritually as I knew without a doubt that GOD had me otherwise I would have been broken and stopped long long ago.. I know my limits.. My whole reason now is to keep sharing that others may see and know that GOD is real and despite bad things that continue to happen.. Something greater is happening because I am still speaking.. still here speaking about GOD.. that strangely there is hope for us all..

Dreams vanished and so did I seem too.. People tend to look at the outer person.. but I am forever grateful GOD is all about our hearts.. When people turn away and avoid you GOD never does.. People don’t stop to look at what we’ve gone through and think that our own experiences have defined us and we might react the way we do because of whats happened to us.. They tend to think through their own lens of life and that doesn’t fit anyone else but the one who lived it..

Gods grace is sufficient believe you me I rely fully on it by faith.. I believe despite my own failures Im forgiven and even if I stuff up.. I believe I am forgiven.. thats why I can keep going.. I believe GOD says there is a reason for every good and bad thing so I have hope that no matter what greater good will work out.. I believe HE is with me.. and let that knowledge carry my spirit when my flesh is weak and I want to give up.. If it wasn’t for GOD, my faith and people who do care and pray I would have stopped.. But in my situation and few can handle isolation and waiting… slowly it has seemed I am alone and only GOD with me.. yes yes I know there are people.. But have you ever been in a room full of people and yet still feel alone.. A lot of time I have felt that.. whatever that is I don’t know.. but when it is with you most of the time.. you lose the ability to hear.. you go through trauma etc.. its a world where you fight from within oblivious to others.. even in their presence..

I am listening to music right now.. almost as loud as it can be played because my hearing is so bad.. but the throb I can feel through the headphones along with the release of singing out within in the privacy of my room gives my heart freedom because I do let it all out.. I am an expressive person.. its how I am created.. My passion over losing a marriage, baby son, even the way to communicate to people.. and now as my struggles happen to me that threaten to crush me.. And everyone goes through their own lives.. what maybe small to one maybe the straw that can break the camels back to another.. Unless we walk in someones shoes we just don’t know..

The one bonus to all this is my GOD.. who is with me in this and I have spent much time talking to HIM and HE is very very close to me and I am very very aware of HIM… a closeness not many may understand.. I know many look at my outer and have judged me according to it.. but GOD never rejects me and I feel loved and special and beautiful to HIM.. So it is easy for me to retreat into HIS presence.. or talk to HIM as I go about my day.. I cannot talk about much else.. and people who know me would know this..

HE has promised in my weakness HE is my strength and that HE will show Himself strong and even reveal HIS glory to others so HE is evident.. so I don’t have to be afraid that even my weakness has its purposes.. Do you know how hopeful that is??? My gosh it gives me a purpose.. a reason to write now and not give in to hopelessness and defeat..

Only just yesterday ~ having a struggle with a teenage son 15 with not going to school for months… the psychologist treating him talked to my ex husband and suggested moving him out of my home to live with his dad for a few weeks.. I had been sick and couldn’t attend the appointment.. I was already at a weak place.. only time I have missed it..
it crushed me.. I have been back and forth to doctor, psychologist, talked to school, dealt with struggles on my own with my son morning after morning and this is the answer they give??

* losing a baby son..
* years of marriage struggles where I prayed and prayed for healing, answers.. hope for our family to stay together..
*now being a single mother.. losing a husband.. my oldest moved out very shortly after my marriage separated.. selling up the family home.. moving a few times since.. one other son moved out when he and I had problems and lived with his dad full time and didn’t come home.. so I am afraid now rightfully so..
* disabled/isolated because of severe hearing loss.. moved in my with parents and sharing a home because it was hard coping with rising costs and I had terrible problems with rental agents..
* Daughter in hospital only earlier in the week

It seems so crushing.. defeating and devastatingly cruel.. and yes you reading may have your own trials.. trials that seemed designed to break you.. that come at you from every angle and others may not see it.. may not understand you or see it for what it is.. thats another battle on top isn’t it.. when people don’t seem to care.. Oh you can be positive.. You can trust GOD more? You can do this.. or you can do that.. or you should have done this.. etc.. the list goes on.. we can be suffering and the way others treat us can add to all of that.. I wonder sometimes where peoples hearts have gone?

We all need love, grace, understanding, support, someone to listen, to be honest, to cry, to scream, to feel heard, to be respected.. to not be seen as crazy.. or if we are crazy.. be loved despite it.. Yes we need love and acceptance and to know we are not alone.. even if someone cannot help you its a help just to know your struggle matters..

This is the song below I have been listening too over and over..

I’m Finally Creating My First E Book!


This is a life changing announcement.. biggest thing I consider I’ve done personally in a very long time..

Since I started at “Leonie Dawson’s Amazing Biz & Life Academy” one week ago I see many positive changes already in my life.. and this is huge for me.. I believe this happened because I have come to a place where I am confident, supported in my journey, surrounded by other incredibly talented women and given helps and encouragement to go full steam ahead.. I will become all that GOD has for me..

This book I started writing in 1997 when I was in hospital with our 4th child a baby son who was ill and away from home and unfortunately at 2 months old he died but because through my faith and trust in GOD and a miracle from heaven.. I was given out of this world peace and came through the experience very differently to any other parents I have ever met who have lost a child. I couldn’t keep this story to myself.. so I kept on writing for a whole 29 chapters and it took a few years to finally get it finished.. I did it all on my own from memories.. info from friends and family.. and from my own diaries..

Then I just printed out copies of chapters as many as I had at the time (paper & via email) and passed to family and close friends..

I have never had the money to publish it.. or so I thought.. and I did put it online for free reading for family and friends.. but the website eventually stopped working where I had it hosted and also I put some on Tumblr of recent and face book but its kinda disjointed and not easy to read or find..

So this publishing it in an Ebook form is brilliant because it will be all in one place and easily accessible. I have never wanted to profit from this book and having it in physical book form has not been high on my priority list.. But as I myself in this current stage of life read a lot of ebooks through Kindle and Ibooks and I have only just a few days ago found a way to create the book myself.. I will forge ahead and create it..

At this stage just to get it into this form at all is what I consider a miracle.. What happens beyond this point is anyone’s guess.. Most ebooks I read are only a few dollars anyway so perhaps I could end up selling it?? It will take me awhile of course to put the whole thing into a single book..

There are possibilities now which is awesome.. It is the kind of book that has inspired family, friends and the people who have read it already.. so I don’t know with a bigger audience how far it could go and that it might in fact prove helpful.. I’m so proud of myself to do this.. In one day already I have the first chapter in a PDF readable form! I’ve started looking for interested persons to read this already and see if its suitable and very quickly two close friends through face books have copies!

Being my first book I’m a novice, the present layout came about by just looking at other ebooks. I would prefer to get feedback on it now in early stages so I can edit as I copy it otherwise if I go ahead and finish it and its not suitable well it would be huge to re-edit it all over again.. I don’t want perfect just basic and easy to read..

I will include a pic of it via my Kindle & Ipad.. so so so so so happy!!


New Path…


Wow.. just like that a new path appears.. I have just decided to make a leap/step of faith and sign up for a year of new possibilities..

More to come so keep watching this space.. ha ha.. blog..
I’ve been tossing up between two e courses that have come to my attention.. one was a christian creative group “Made course” started on September 1st that I know one beautiful soul Anna who is taking part in.. another which is the one I decided on is..
The “Amazing Biz and Life Academy” by Leonie Dawson..
Goes for twelve months (that is how long I am signed up for) and is choc full of e-courses on having an amazing life and business.. now its a more personal reason I would be doing this but who knows what might unfold.. I have followed Leonie via her blog, and email list, through Twitter, via a “Create your Incredible Year workbook and planner” on my Kindle that I have been working through..
I might be about half way through that.. but I have seen changes in my life because of it.. positive changes when I stick with it..
Unfortunately I am a procrastinator.. and as I am home.. (not working) due to being on a pension as I am severely hearing impaired I need motivation.. But there has been something on the inside of me prodding me… I need to decide on a course of action then go full steam ahead.. and keep going..
I need focus.. I need something to work towards.. Something to help me move forward.. New Ideas.. New Venture… To Branch out.. to find a way through my life that can lead to something more.. Possibilities.. Now is the time..
I did struggle with.. it should be “Christian” but I intend to take JESUS with me.. lol.. HE is coming along but I feel as with my life.. I already have HIM with me.. I already fellowship with other believers.. this is a path that could blaze away to a whole new life that I will flow into.. I don’t have to be afraid.. HE comes with me..
I can see even today as I signed up.. there is a fire blazing in me.. and a joy bubbling over.. and a confidence rising up inside.. I’m here too writing this blog.. which is always a good sign!!
I’m excited.. Anticipation is spilling over.. I can see ideas forming already and I have not even really even begun yet.. The thing is.. GOD is with me.. and its because I’m so aware of HIM.. fear has taken a back seat.. actually its not even being considered.. I somehow know this is going to be a very huge year ahead for me.

Leonie Dawson – Amazing Biz & Amazing Life


Is there something I can learn from this?


Last night was a hard night for me.. I sat beside someone I have loved over half my life in emergency.. Someone who has made me a mother, I’ve loved and who I have prayed for, cried about, argued with and been majorly frustrated with amongst other things..

Ha ha he is also the one whom GOD sent to teach me how to love HIM and know HIM and all through our years together taught me so many things..

As this is public I will not relay anything personal about him but I will share how I feel about it.. Obviously being in emergency means something happened that is scary and shocking.. But I am glad I could be there.. Yes it was my ex husband.. but ohh my.. there is so much emotional history it is never just about that moment…

I have not slept much overnight.. thinking.. dreaming.. nightmares.. crying.. prayers.. talking into the darkness to GOD.. we have been divorced about 2 years I think.. but I was married 18 years and knew him from being a teenager.. We have 6 kids.. 5 on earth.. 1 in heaven..

I can be honest and say I don’t really know how I feel about us.. any more.. but I would do just about anything for him.. I still love him I guess but you move on without the other person beside you when they cannot be.. not by choice but because what else is there to do.. I have let the relationship go as much as I possibly can.. I mean divorce is pretty final.. But when an emergency happens it changes everything.. maybe more so for me inside.. emotionally.. Maybe that is the women in me.. or maybe that is just how I am wired..

I insisted he contact his family.. Im glad that he did.. but then its hard.. because I am not his wife anymore.. ex-wife sounds so eww… I so want to mean more to someone one day.. you know.. but that is for another time to write.. and I have written about that of recent some.. I have to remember my place now.. Look its not the same anymore.. maybe only people who have had broken relationships can understand this.. But I feel I take a back seat or even that I am not even in the vehicle now.. yes that is what I feel.. I could just be a friend.. which is weird.. you have to hit reverse when you want to hit drive.. give all the hurt.. the desires.. the hopes.. to GODS hands.. and let HIM lead you where he will.. and see what the other person wants… as my counsellor said.. Because his heart was not in it.. I had to let go.. yes I found peace.. healing.. but I guess an emergency brings things back to the surface.. I am still me.. I don’t stop loving.. feeling..

It hit home that in a moment.. any time your life can change.. I was able to be there to help last night.. not sure today what my role should be.. I can be smothering I guess and I can have my own views and well we are not apart because things were obviously perfect.. I saw GODS hand upon me to be there at the time.. things worked out that way.. that deeply encourages me.. And I have prayed for this man probably 20 years.. yes I guess you could say.. well those prayers really worked.. 🙂 I have thought about that believe me.. but we cannot choose what prayers are answered and how.. We also fail I am sure in our part that we play more than we care to say.. But I am stubborn… and it is part of who I am.. to pray and leave the results in GODS hands.. I have peace for the end of our relationship as husband and wife.. but it doesn’t mean I like it or wanted differently or understand it or know what is coming.. If I cannot be his wife.. I will be the best damn friend I can.. 😉

But it is hard to pray and pray and pray for a long time.. believe me I have prayed every sort of prayer.. my best guess is there is a greater plan afoot.. That there is a bigger reason.. I have certainly seen my own life play out in ways that affect a greater plan than I could ever imagine.. Not the way I want mind you.. but there is still much joy in the journey..

It is hard to keep loving.. caring.. hoping and wanting.. and not getting.. but that is true love isn’t it.. to love without reciprocation.. GOD reminds me just how HE loves all peoples and how HE understands when it isn’t returned.. 🙂

I can feel HIS heart too in this place as I have found HIM very close to me.. HE has been the one I turned too.. HE is a great comfort.. to talk too in the darkness.. to cry too.. to air my frustrations too and share my joys.. I have more hope and peace today.. I have felt the power of the moment.. because even as I sit here wondering how my ex husband is.. and what will happen.. and how things will go.. I must trust.. and I can let go and realise its ok to want things.. its alright to be honest.. its alright to feel.. and even if my ex husband never responds the way I want or wanted.. its alright.. GOD knows my heart.. and all of these things have their place even if I cannot see it yet..

Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.. . Galations 6:9


Journal Prayer


Good morning LORD… soon as I can YOUR first.. but I am glad I have washing drying on the line.. Oldest daughter took kids to school and I am dressed and showered and I have done my dishes!!!
Just feels better that is all..

Well here I am LORD.. and here YOU are.. I saw YOUR hand upon me yesterday.. I know YOU were with me.. and YOU know all about me.. I am happy now.. I am concentrating on YOU.. I do need to let go of some things.. AGAIN.. lol… but Im so glad YOU are here.. and this is possible.. and I can type write my prayer/ talk or whatever it is.. YOUR grace is sufficient for all things… Praise YOU for this..

I am going to see everything perfect..
I liked this quote I read somewhere yesterday.. Nisgardatta’s magic words _ “In my world nothing ever goes wrong” This is my salvation today.. YOU.. your grace… your mercy.. your forgiveness.. your view.. your love.. your perfection.. your glory.. your way.. your truth.. your life.. your hope.. your strength.. That this is how YOU see things.. this is YOUR realm.. YOU don’t see the failures.. you just see perfect us… Amazing.. I mean that knowledge swallows up all the niggly, horrible things that I could think about and vent with you..

YOU pointed some things out to me as I slept.. so I did wake up and scribble them down.. it is strange times.. but I feel keeping my focus on YOU is what will bring me through.. Its not about what happens to me.. or even the things that come against me or even what is not happening.. or what people think or don’t think.. Its about YOU.. and in YOU I am holy.. ohhh that is good news.. funny I feel this one should be published.. weeird..

Problems last night again with a person.. unnamed because YOU know.. but in YOU this is already dealt with.. and even though I got frustrated.. sad.. angry.. disappointed.. could have said so much more and wanted too.. but sometimes all I can do.. is tell YOU and trust YOU with it.. sometimes there isn’t another person around to tell.. Or who might not be bias.. or would understand.. because if I tried.. I would seem bitchy or they might think I’m depressed or they might think crazy… ha ha.. they might not understand at all.. Who does though.. like YOU.. who does understand us.. and how every word can hurt or we can feel mis-understood by even people who know us well.. And we want things LORD.. that never ever seem to come.. and you just know the other person has no idea.. Whoosh over their head completely.. and that in itself can drive you insane if you let it.. This confidence I find in YOU that YOU are listening.. that even though I don’t have a conversation perse with you back at me.. I find peace floods in or joy floods in and I just know I have been heard.. I begin to think good thoughts.. and my perception changes..
Thoughts come that are totally opposite of what my jumbled thoughts are creating inside my head.. They are cool thoughts.. to a hot head.. 🙂

LORD if sharing my thoughts, the way I get through things.. helps another soul.. it is worth it.. because YOU do help me.. YOU do listen.. YOU do understand me.. and ohhhh that is the biggest reason I keep my faith in you.. Not because of the big things cause honestly I don’t always see them.. some I do.. but there are things in my life I have wanted and not seen come to pass.. yet.. 🙂 but I love that I can believe YOU are here.. and I can believe that you love me and YOUR spirit is inside.. working.. helping.. strengthening.. using me… ohhh little me.. stumbling.. imperfect.. procrastinating.. lol.. little me.. with my big faults that people love to pick up on.. ha ha.. but YOU love me.. and I know it.. and I believe it.. and thump my chest because I won’t get down about the stupid stuff which everyone goes though.. and I will believe I am holy.. Wow that word and me together.. lol.. but YOU made it possible.. because YOU lived perfect.. YOU did that for me and YOU say I am with you and even in me through YOUR spirit and I believe it..
That makes everything work together.. and helps me along my way.. to keep going.. no matter what.. and they can say what they say.. or think what they think.. but I know YOU know and YOU know I know.. and that makes it all OK!!!!


Totally Opposite


Incredible how it works..

Thinking how seemingly little is affected by my life.. how little influence I have on anyone..

And GOD reminds me that I cannot go by outward appearances.. I was sitting around this afternoon scrap booking for personal reasons and just doing quiet at home things.. my usual one friend on face book I chat with was away.. Just no one around and I was feeling invisible and unwanted by anyone but not sad with it.. just aware of how it is.. You know the days when no one contacts you (family or friends) and you wonder that maybe its because you have nothing to offer them so why would they..

But… and this is why I write now.. GOD reminds me of times past.. where HE moved people because of something I did inadvertently… HE also reminds me of Gideon in the bible who was hiding in caves.. said to be the weakest of the weak of the tribes of Israel yet when the angel of the LORD appeared to him.. he was called.. “Mighty man of valour”.. or something totally opposite of what he in fact really was..

GOD has a habit of using weaknesses to show HIS strength.. moving in different ways to what people expect.. Don’t you love that about HIM.. Gives us all hope!!!!

Truly in my life I have not ever lived so hidden, isolated and even on social media kind of fading away.. even though I am there every day.. It does kinda make you look at your life and wonder what you are indeed doing wrong.. but GODS encouragement has flooded my soul.. I think now instead I am in fact exactly where I need to be.. And doing exactly what I should be doing..

Being that a total change of thoughts came to my mind which is so powerful.. and the peace and strength just emanate out of me instead of hopelessness.

Getting home not long ago from picking up a daughter from High School .. and after preparing food for our evening meal I now quickly run to type up this blog post. All this inspiration that comes into my mind I know is GOD despite me.. Yippee!!

I know I must write this post and I love that out of nothing comes something.. That I can write at all and it flows easily shows me GOD is working and the fact I am not discouraged that no one may read it.. Wow!!
For it has not come from any other source.. and I know it was not from my thoughts or heart.. because I was thinking total opposite.. There is a great blessing on GOD simply in us.. does not matter how it appears..

I had not long ago written to a face book friend whose marriage is in trouble.. and I was telling her how GOD sees her and her husband.. Which made me think.. silly me.. GOD doesn’t see me invisible but indeed a very bright shiny light that majorly affects the world around me.. And that I can write now.. and even the pics and verse on the pic all came to mind very easily and quickly.. Shows me greater things are happening..

I realise no matter how it seems.. or how it looks or how many hits/likes/comments a post gets and how many people I talk too through my day or how many faces I see.. GOD is with me.. HE doesn’t fail.. and I need to see it all differently too..