Tag Archives: deaf

I especially want to voyage to..

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project that’s taken months lol but not giving up.

Day 29
ADVICE

Prompt — I especially want to voyage to..

Some people travel the world I may never get to do that. But every day I have access to me. So many things in my life including people have tried to shut me down. The person who I am. My prerogative is to live out loud and at the very least enjoy my life and let that joy be released somewhere. All the better if it helps someone else!!

Lately so many photos on my face book news-feed have been of friends I know traveling the world sharing their adventures. It is lovely and how easy it is these days to share what one is doing even on the other side of the world. I get to see places I could never afford to see but alas it does remind me of how closeted I am. How boring and poor I am lol travel wise. 🙂

I enjoy seeing the world though but it can make the four walls around me seem to be closing in mighty tight especially when you think outwardly too much about it and wish yourself away but you cannot go there in person.

When I was thinking about this prompt I mean obviously there are many places in the world I would love to see. I grew up learning about the bible and the stories in it and I actually would love to travel to the Holy land and see those places for real.. I am best friends with a Canadian on line so obviously as I have talked to him all about his life and where he lives I have grown an interest in his part of the world that would be fascinating to see in person especially cause it would mean meeting him too.

But honestly thinking too much about what I cannot do is quite self defeating.

So my mind was whirring as I contemplated this prompt and suddenly a song popped into my head. The song with lyrics “I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me..” Vivian Chow is the artist and Ron Miller the composer.
I have not been all over the world in fact I have never traveled out of Australia except to Tasmania lol which is an island state but daily I can visit and trip to ‘me’ and lack of money cannot bar me from this journey.. The imagination alone of one human being can change a world. Look at artists and authors whose imagination has brought much joy through the ages!! Dr Suess, Ronald Dahl, J. K Rowling, J. R. R. Tolkien, Frida Kahlo, Vincent Van Gogh, Claude Monet.. Andy Warhol.. to name a few.. So I shouldn’t be so afraid of being in my own little world.

You can never be bored if you open up your mind, use what you have at hand and introverts can really be at home with themselves and enjoy their own life much more than extroverts could.. If you can be happy on your own and find your own amusement right where you are it makes the hard times extremely bearable and you can still have a full life. Paint your world red or blue or green or multi-colored and change it every day if that’s what you wish.

Obviously art journaling, prompts, blogging etc all these are ways to explore myself and my faith and life. If I can keep doing it daily it truly helps me stay positive, happy and stops me shutting down. Cause we all know life can be hard and a daily slog and when not much changes around you, not much money etc you can pine away and lose hope.. Creativity keeps the inner world alive and kicking and imagination can take you places that are fun, challenging, deep or shallow and do not depend of others being there or not.

That song I quoted before many of the lyrics resonated with me so I added them to my art journal page.

It’s interesting as I look at the pages which I did a while ago now. That although the black figure which represents me seems boring it is surrounded by very bright colors!!!  I can see in my art I am depicting that I am not found where naturally one would think I should be.. I live on in my art and I don’t know whether other people do see that or not. I do not get a lot of responses and although I am not really very social at all I think my art is me being extremely social!!!

My art continues to go out into the world so people can find me if they really want too and I hope get to know me better this way.
The key word for this days journey is Advice and mine is ‘Live out Loud’ which just seems so appropriate and what my life has been all about as I am said to be a quiet, introverted person yet bright yellow in the background really does scream something quite different doesn’t it.

Deaf people are often muted in the world simply because we cannot communicate in the normal way so we can be easily forgotten and left out.

One important way to live fully functioning for a deaf person is through expressive sign language which I don’t think anyone can help noticing!! It’s very visual and many hearing people nowadays enjoy learning it.. A whole new path to communicate.

Art has been my path and it so beautiful and I am very thankful to God for it. Loud is  expressed in the colors that I use. Loud is speaking my truth and sharing my spirit/heart publicly often even when it appears no one is listening.

Sharing my blog which is my thoughts etc into the world via social media IS being loud. It all says something about who I am and what my message is to the world and sometimes I am amazed just what I am expressing and how easy it is to do when in the natural I feel quite tightly bound and muted. I cannot physically put myself out into the world like I wish I could but here oh wow I am as free as a bird. So where I am missing in this world.. you can still find me.. right here is where I am and what I share is what I feel and think and see. So where I cannot travel in a physical sense with words or in person or to different places because I do not have the money or availability to do so. I can travel through myself via the creative expressions I use.

This lyric from the above mentioned song say it perfectly.

Because I had to be free.

Stretch my wings and fly!

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 I wrote this for a online magazine publication but never heard back. So posting here.

  

 Hi my name is Sharon and I’m a 45 year old Australian woman. Based in Ballarat Victoria. I am a single mother of 6 children, 5 on earth and 1 in heaven. Three currently live with me at this time.

I am severely hearing impaired and receive a disability pension. I don’t currently work.

My hearing was fine till I was in my 20’s and had children. It has continued to decline ever since.

I enjoy writing, art journaling, mixed media and I have a blog I update fairly regularly.

I have been busy raising a family but now that they are growing older I have much more time to devote to developing my own interests. Latest writing venture was Heart Recycle 101! This is the first time ever for me to seek my writing to be published!

——- 

Writing is my authentic voice. Finally free I stretch my wings and fly!

I’m almost deaf and there’s good reason deafness is linked to being dumb. I can’t communicate in the world normally and it silences me. Modern technology helps but only if you can use it. If you still struggle aside from what is the norm your on your own.

People are sympathetic at first and give lots of suggestions. Even try to help me fit in. I begin to take the defense though when people just see the disability and start giving advice or don’t accept the way I face it. I absolutely hate when instead of stopping to ask me about life in general I’m told how best to live it.

This is how it goes.

‘Aunt Mary is deaf but she does this..’ Or ‘Uncle Frank is deaf I will text you his phone number!’

I’m not Aunt Mary or desire to speak to Uncle Frank. I’m not in your space to be fixed! I just want connection between us.

When people can’t get through to me they can give up and I’m left feeling rejected.

If you get frustrated with me imagine how I feel?

What works is paper and pen, text messages and Internet! I don’t miss anything and I’m not disabled! Unfortunately most people prefer face to face. Straight away a barrier goes up. Every person who rejects technology means an ever widening social gap. Strangely some don’t see online as real and for all the instant-ness you can be left waiting on replies. It’s disheartening to read technology is anti-social because it’s my word and I can be fully myself here. Therefore an open door becomes a barred gateway to many meaningful relationships.

I can be standing face to face with you and still not understand what you are saying. I can be in a room full of people and I do not know what topics are currently being discussed. It’s strange to be surrounded by people but your disconnected it’s like your in another world!

What kind of life is that?

I just decided one day ‘being physically present’ wasn’t working and stepped away.

People judge. Think I’m rude. Label me depressed without even stopping to ask why I’m not around.

I’m just frustrated!

It has meant isolation, being misunderstood and like a book hidden away on a shelf. Story unread, forgotten and gathering dust. I can understand people seeing the closed for business sign I put up and backing off. It’s just not many came looking for the reopening..

Regular blogging is one way my heart channel remains active and present. I also post my life journey on face book which isn’t always popular because many are private and want you to stay that way too. People get very uncomfortable reading about my life with it’s highs and lows. Thankfully internet like TV it’s your choice if you subscribe or follow along.

Unfortunately people have said to me that I should not seek attention or expect it by continually putting myself out there. Ironically they outwardly communicate with speech to another person I just do the same online with writing and art!

Where would I be if I stopped? 

As my life has grounded to a halt there has appeared less interest in what I’m saying. Diminishing audience, losing friendships and many times my most personal sharing via my blog has had no recognition at all.

I’ve had to be stubbornly persistent and a voice that’s needed to be louder. A deeper purpose churning away within my DNA to keep putting my heart out there.

Certainly this unresponsiveness and people turning away grounds you. I’ve had to keep searching for inspiration to press on. ‘No man is an island’ quoted by John Donne and I have to agree. Humans thrive best with support and encouragement.

Of course deafness isn’t the only darkness I’ve faced. In 1984 my 5 year old sister drowned at a family picnic. 1997 I lost a 2 month old baby boy. 2009 my marriage split. Recent times it’s been a struggle with a teenager facing mental health challenges.

All these things combined have worked to gag me. The less I say, the less I flow and the more I grind to a halt. Bit by bit I’ve almost lost the ability to express myself at all. No wonder I am awkward at times!

Before the dark times I used to spend hours telling whomever would listen the things on my heart and sharing encouragement because I needed it too. But I’ve lost confidence and its gotten harder to find people I’m comfortable baring my soul. It’s crippled me. Plunged me into oblivion but I’m still walking about above ground.

I was raised in Christian faith since I was a child. But when this whole shutting down began religion fell way too short. I didn’t only step out of the world I knew and was known in. I stopped attending the church building too. 

The isolation though it separates me from “life as most know it” has brought about a strange rebirth. My spirit has survived and I’ve kept talking to God and a few loyal online friends. If my physical presence has been absent my spirit has still been humming within and when barriers go up you have to reroute to survive.

Change initially sprang from this cocooning period. I realise that even in the deepest depths of darkness I have not been utterly extinguished. That’s miraculous if you think about it. I am alive inside despite it all. I did not give up. I can see this strength in me that defies logic. How I’ve kept going and it gives me so much hope.

God spoke to me when I was doing dishes one day many years ago, a voice in my heart saying. “I will never leave you or forsake you.” I recognised it as a bible verse I knew but at the time and ever since it has brought much comfort to my soul especially when I feel alone.

It is enough. I believe Him. I feel loved and at peace even for where I have failed and others have failed me and it’s ok. I don’t need to go anywhere special or be this or that. He is with me where I am and how I am!

I testify that even in the most soul crushing place you find yourself.

The light shines in you even if it feels only the tiniest spark.

Jesus Christ says He with us and is the light of the world and has overcome darkness, death, human failure and anything that holds us down.

He is the door to life abundant and the way ahead is opened to us.

But you cannot go back to the way that you once lived or even that everyone else lives.

You need a different mindset

Living from your awakening spirit.

Where I have been unable to confidently communicate. I find that my soul expressing itself rebelliously and fearlessly is a kick-ass way to shine my light out in the world again. At this time online mostly because it is where I’m least inhibited. Slowly and surely I have been learning new skills and created a bit of art here and there which I’ve passed on to others. What a good feeling that is!

I share a poem below.

My Spirit rises up today and meets with your Spirit.

Peace be to you this day. 

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Transformation

Artistic voice birthed from salty tears of persistence.

Stubborn defiance of faded and vanquished dreams.

Delusion has channelled attention onto a spark of light within.

Knowledge of highest truth intimate, an invite to prevail.

Salvation springing forth from exposed transfigured pain.

Soul crushing isolation catalyst to bursting forth of spiritual vitality.

Expression a brazen release of the invisible and hushed.

Loss is buoyancy that leaves in its wake a healing cascade of peace.

Stifling darkness antithesis to unquenchable freedom to shine.

Boldness of a hopeful heart on the sleeve transparent.

Soul finding its own unique unfolding majestic wings.

Unlimited possibilities delightfully appear in every direction.

Recognized it echoes to hearts searching for escape from earthly bindings.

Captivating and inviting abundant bodacious life wherever she goes.

  

I Must Write..

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Last day of 30 days of ‘Write Yourself Alive’ Ecourse. It’s taken me a lot longer than 30 days but only have one more prompt to answer after this. I want to keep writing and I have new directions to go. 

My own photo to go with it. I’m sitting at my art desk contemplating what to say. The feet around me is that even though I can be surrounded by people I’m often alone with my thoughts. I seem to be embracing my deafness more lately though. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I just want to find a way to communicate better with them. That works for both of us. 

DAY 30 – DIG DEEPER: Must you write? What does your 3:00 A.M. heart whisper back to you? If the answer is YES, how will you build your life from here on? 

I must write. It is a survival thing. I can’t rely on communication normal ways because I am deaf. Words typed or scrawled can say what I can’t say because there isn’t really anyone around to listen or that I can hear to reply too. I don’t use hearing implements or even know enough sign language to have a conversation. It’s just been snatches of words here and there spoken and that’s been for years and years. 

Only today my sister after telling me something about our brother that I didn’t know remarked to me that I hardly ever know what is going on. Hmm.. She is right.

Writing becomes even MORE a deep need and a deep and overwhelming desire for me to live life. The biggest struggle is what do I say because I am missing so much of what ‘normal people’ are actually out there in every day life saying? I feel like an alien in your world and oh so awkward because I am out of the social loop. 

I need to write some every day just to clear out the clutter because everyone has that inside them and I think I might have even more of that because I rarely talk to anyone. I need to daily journal and that will help archive the stuff that nobody listens too and everyone has thoughts you don’t want people to know but you think about and need to express.

If I don’t do this I walk around talking to myself. Not a good look if you want to be socially acceptable. Or I begin to shut down. I need to express myself that’s part of who I am and part of my make up. Writing is a big part and an essential part of my life.

Persistence is how I build my life. You write and write and write and create and create and create. You find something to say and with the practice that comes from typing it out and expressing it you hopefully get better at saying it and expressing it. I just miss the people aspect. It can be devastatingly lonely. So I hope someway and somehow that as I build my life with words and keep sharing them I find some meaningful connections along the way.

  

Love means “Respect”…

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I’m almost deaf so listening is not the best way but there are others way to show you care… How many people understand their pets without the pet saying a word… Its possible to live side by side of people even in a hearing world and not feel heard or understood.. When someone shows me respect and kindness I hear that with my heart.. I’m not easy to communicate with but I’m still here.. I’m still human… I still feel and see and have dreams.. When someone takes the time to ask me how I am and be patient for a reply that might mean texting, or repeating what they are saying, or slowing down to look me in the face.. I feel it doubly inside.. I don’t feel disabled I feel normal.

The first duty of love is I think respect… When you respect a person you seek a way to understand how they perceive the world and communicate that to them… you want the best for them… Its showing them reverence for who they and that you see them for who they are. It makes the other person feel important and welcome to be themselves.
Even if they are different to you… Your giving them space and consideration and showing that you will take the time to make sure they are understood, valued and appreciated for who they are. That they are ok.

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