Monthly Archives: July 2014

Let It Flow

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My writings starting to flow again… Blogged a few posts in quick succession but they really sprang from my inner desire to share on face book to people I try so hard to connect with on a deeper level but no matter what I write there’s so little feedback.. I wish I knew what it was I’m searching for. Why I have such a burning desire to share yet so often I struggle to say it or find a way to connect deeply to get it out with someone else, anyone else.

So so so often I’m blank. Which is a horrid feeling oh how I wish I could bounce ideas and thoughts about things with others… You have no idea how alone I am with my rambling thoughts… Which might be Gods way of getting me writing… I have been forcing myself most days to write three A4 pages which is really really hard to do…

An exercise suggested from the book “The Artists Way”.. That book is a story in itself. I bought it online as a kindle book and joined a face book group to do it with others… But I didn’t follow it through and dropped out.. Reading some of it and very spasmodically and just couldn’t get into it. Then a month ago I came across the paperback copy in a second hand shop for 5 dollars! Its screamed to me to pick it up again. Ok that’s a bit dramatic but my hungry heart for more couldn’t resist..

Most days I don’t go anywhere or see anyone and its really hard to write about nothing… I mean ok I have the every day goings on of raising kids… But to get that out normally… I just don’t have anyone to talk too about it.And the few who do its been a struggle to even talk to them for some reason about anything more than chit chat… I can only imagine its God helping me to get to the place I really need to be out of frustration etc… Its been a lonely road but if you follow my writings it’s been how God has gotten my full attention…

Its been a strange and weird path… Sitting in my bed writing this and I have art stuff, various books, papers and pens on my bed… I collect quote books, paper back books, art books, art supplies…etc the list goes on… And sigh I’ve been myself like a blank canvas… But I have even found those too.. Ha ha..

And with all this stuff inside my soul literally and nobody around to tell and the inability to tell it.. The collecting of stuff on the outside is really just a parody of what’s collecting on the inside.. Now just to find a use for it.

I can’t tell you though that I must have a gift for this. Or the Spirit is gifting me with it because I can think up words to use that I don’t even know and that I’ve never used ever. Maybe only hearing or reading of these in the past. These unfamiliar words appear when I’m writing and they mean exactly what I need to say.

To me thats God and its incredible.

I was told years ago by an English teacher I have a gift and could have gone on to university with it.

I’m going to keep up with it.. Writing and oh start to read more. But I’m distracted so easily. Terrible vice.

See the pic below. My oldest son who is a writer too gave me the film via dvd “Book Thief” and in it the word “Write” appears on a wall throughout the film. Seemed to be a huge sign to me..

Here is a canvas I’m working on also Pic below… Oh how good it is when the Spirit flows..

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Marvellous to Consider

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Watched “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” the other night along with “Two Towers”.. Tolkien.. Both on Tv on the same night how cool is that! I just so feel inspired by that… Both the original authors were Christian and talked together in the past about their books and writings. And to see their two films on TV on one night… Yay God.. Yay God..

They make me think magical, mystical, spiritual things.. Life can get so bleh huh… I just read that word at friend Christine’s fb.. ๐Ÿ™‚

Love this scripture below I just found in a book I’m reading.. I myself have gotten turned off organised religion… It hasn’t been deep enough… Its boring lol.. Falls oh so short.
But God is so so so so so much greater than even I can imagine… Its considering HIM from this place.. This place… That stirs my heart and fires up my bones.. That which the movies, books and art world try to capture which is the essence of the grandness of the Spirit of the book “The Bible” of who God really is…

There are many marvellous things to consider..

Just as you do not know how the breath
comes to the bones in the motherโ€™s womb,
so you do not know the work of God,
who makes everything.

ECCLESIASTES 11:5 NRSV

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Alone

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Listening to the song “Alone” by Heart. And I am physically alone as I listen to it; things start to come together and point these blind eyes and this stubborn heart to understand why I’ve been so alone… God speaks to me so clearly using what’s around me when I notice it. In this case through the words of a secular song..

This picture by artist Oliver Pengilley is on my wall.. It was offered free on his face book account to download but when I got it I felt it right to donate to the artist to support his work. This one really really helped me. And today combined with the words of the song just fit so well with this part of his artwork sonI had to share it.

I am singing this song loud.. ๐Ÿ˜‰ ha ha one reason its good to be alone..

The picture is about being between a rock and hard place… The place many of us are finding ourselves.. More alone than we wish to be… Than we can even explain it to others.

I just added the words to it via an iPad ap because there is a powerful message here to all of us who feel alone and in a difficult place.

Says to me that we are actually in exactly the right place.. Because how else is God supposed to get us alone? Get our whole attention… In the dark and hard places He is more easily found because there are no distractions. The way “Heart” sings so powerfully with full emotion just puts more emphasis on how much God too must so want to get our attention.. How He is longing to help us and show us Himself.

Aren’t we more likely to need the light in such a place? Seek for help?
Finally we come to the end of what we can handle ready to admit we can’t understand and nothing else and nobody else can help us.

We are now in the place He can appear to us so we truly see Him and come to know just how much He loves us.

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An Honest Prayer

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Home alone… My ex husband has two youngest kids.. Oldest daughter stayed out with friends.
Still in my pjs.. Coffee and chocolate..
Saturday morning almost over..

I’m so aware of my aloneness. Aware of what could be spiritually in the places I am where there are other people.
I mean for me. Physical isn’t my best realm. Hearing wise.. Communication wise. People wise. I’m just more a loner and I don’t have that gift for warmth and bonding with people.. Family included.
Even umm in the saying I just falter to express myself out there. I guess that’s why the deaf and mute spirit seem connected..

Online.. Text… Social forums. Easier for me there but even there I’m not in rhythm that I know or feel. I started a face book group but I don’t know… It could be so much more and I’m getting to the stage where I feel I have to beg and that’s not pretty..

It just highlights my inadequacies even more.. Ha ha the good thing about trials is… I turn to God.. Ohh I’m so glad He is here always and I don’t have to struggle to explain myself… I can be foolishly myself and say millions of things to Him that people seem closed too or that I cannot seem to say.. Not their fault because I know writing this people will feel guilty… Just seems my lot in life this communication barrier thing that’s so much more than simply my hearing loss..

Anyway I wrote this prayer which may seem desperate to publish but hey I’m me and this is what I do.. Its a cry from my heart.. You never know what God can use to help another.. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels the way I do and powerless in it.. I do have many friends online and family of course… And you know reading their struggles it does weigh on you… With the troubles in Israel… The recent plane crash where so many died… Family and friends with hardships.. It makes you cry out for understanding…

LORD so many attacks on people..so much hardship… So much darkness… Yet we are called to be the light.. The salt… The people with good news… So many of us are weak and carrying heavy burdens… We need your help… We need your strength.. We need your wisdom… Your caring and gentle presence.. I’m here daily but I seem to have so little impact? Lord I don’t know what to do… I can see the need for togetherness and the power of people connecting and joining forces… But if people don’t see it also its all in vain… I know I lose my focus… Lord I’m the least person to rally them.. Ha ha… I don’t have any authority well people don’t listen or return or find my door… I know I know you use the weak ones right… But I need something that would show people Your with me.. So they turn you know not to me but to each other and especially You so that together we worshipped you as you really are and as one as we really are.. I can’t do anything but you can do everything… Help me lord rally these people.. I mean ohhh yesterday on my sisters fb post all these people in one place commenting… Oh how I felt that moment for what it could be… And yet all of us have different agendas and I wonder does anyone else see it.. Feel what I felt then… They don’t see it yet because we don’t acknowledge each other well maybe one or two do but all of us right then at that moment are Gods family as if our spirits were all in one place yet we are not truly aware of what is the deeper meaning.. I mean if all of us were in one place with my sister… Would we each one only just say something to my sister and not to each other? Its weird Lord because our spirits are what we are supposed to live by.. Yet spiritually we don’t get it yet…
We’ve had the power all along but never realised it.
Lord even on my own I see the need for people… I’m the last person to do anything about it because I’m not even able to explain myself… I post something and always having to explain what I actually said… I have nothing to draw people to me… Not much going on here at Unify (Facebook group)… No one much comes to see me… Its crazy… But Lord how… How… How… To unite… What to do once we unite… Ohhh everyone has their own agendas… How does one person get the respect of people? How do you lead people in one accord? How to find the time… The devotion… Only by Your Spirit… Seems Impossible that even two agree on anything… I just lift these things to You… What can I do but look to You… Amen

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Signing alone

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I will have to do this alone for now…
Like so many things..
Have my Auslan DVD on and I’m practising..
My kids literally left the room when I asked if anyone would like to do it with me..
My sister who is also hearing impaired not interested.. And doesn’t even want to talk about it with me. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

But I’m not going to give up and I will enrol for the course anyway and who knows whom I might meet; new friends who do want to communicate with me!!!
This pic below is the very first sign I have learnt and the one I know!! Its actually not so easy, I think repetition is the key, lots of pausing the DVD and practice; obviously once I find a person to do it with I can get feedback.

Its a little disheartening those close to me aren’t really interested at the moment. But I hope soon to be amongst others who are interested to meet ( Auslan level 1 training course starts in my city end of month) out there in the big wide world and have a go!

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Life Change for Me

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I’m so nervous. I feel so cold. (It is winter).
I just received what could be a huge life change in my post box today.
I’ve signed up to learn Auslan which is deaf sign language.
I paid nearly 200 dollars Australian for 2 DVDs and a USB with a course book on it..
Have just printed out the first weeks lessons.
I have a headache and I’m shaking from nerves.
Its huge… its like leaning a whole new language.
I haven’t done any learning for a long long time.
I was 21 when I started having kids and had 6. One in heaven. So raising kids has been my whole life. Youngest now 13.

I am severely hearing impaired and hearing aids don’t work for me because I’ve had tests and even with hearing aides, in what I do hear its not clear enough to decipher what’s being said.

So I’ve gone this path to learn to sign so as to better communicate with those around me. Well those who use sign language. I have a few friends that sign. Here’s hoping my family might learn with me. Or maybe my sister who is also hearing impaired.

I don’t work because of my deafness so I have lots of time. I’m 44 so this feels really huge for me. I want to blog my journey.

Possibility also of doing a class of the same material right here in my city. I found out about it after I’d already ordered it and although the course is more money and that made me depressed… My brother and his wife said they will pay for me to do the evening classes which would run for 6 weeks.

I feel really nervous about that because being deaf I’m very vulnerable and always like to have someone with me to help with communication. I lip read and just kinda cope with my deafness and I’ve become quite isolated because I tend to find being around people difficult.. So I just don’t do it unless I have too.

This sign language course you need people around you to sign with… So it would force a person like me out there into the world and I can learn here at home at my own pace with the course I’ve bought.. I’m scared and nervous and even have a headache thinking about this… But I’m trying to be brave and face this..

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Love means “Respect”…

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I’m almost deaf so listening is not the best way but there are others way to show you care… How many people understand their pets without the pet saying a word… Its possible to live side by side of people even in a hearing world and not feel heard or understood.. When someone shows me respect and kindness I hear that with my heart.. I’m not easy to communicate with but I’m still here.. I’m still human… I still feel and see and have dreams.. When someone takes the time to ask me how I am and be patient for a reply that might mean texting, or repeating what they are saying, or slowing down to look me in the face.. I feel it doubly inside.. I don’t feel disabled I feel normal.

The first duty of love is I think respect… When you respect a person you seek a way to understand how they perceive the world and communicate that to them… you want the best for them… Its showing them reverence for who they and that you see them for who they are. It makes the other person feel important and welcome to be themselves.
Even if they are different to you… Your giving them space and consideration and showing that you will take the time to make sure they are understood, valued and appreciated for who they are. That they are ok.

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