Monthly Archives: November 2013

Lead me on into Your keeping

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I have known for a very long this life has been too hard for me to live.. I know compared to others its not…. but Im not others.. I am living this life.. my life.. and personally speaking from within it.. I know its more than I can personally cope with.. I can clearly see where I ended and GOD has taken over.. Believe me that was a long time ago.. I have cried billions of tears over all this.. but I have also soared spiritually as I knew without a doubt that GOD had me otherwise I would have been broken and stopped long long ago.. I know my limits.. My whole reason now is to keep sharing that others may see and know that GOD is real and despite bad things that continue to happen.. Something greater is happening because I am still speaking.. still here speaking about GOD.. that strangely there is hope for us all..

Dreams vanished and so did I seem too.. People tend to look at the outer person.. but I am forever grateful GOD is all about our hearts.. When people turn away and avoid you GOD never does.. People don’t stop to look at what we’ve gone through and think that our own experiences have defined us and we might react the way we do because of whats happened to us.. They tend to think through their own lens of life and that doesn’t fit anyone else but the one who lived it..

Gods grace is sufficient believe you me I rely fully on it by faith.. I believe despite my own failures Im forgiven and even if I stuff up.. I believe I am forgiven.. thats why I can keep going.. I believe GOD says there is a reason for every good and bad thing so I have hope that no matter what greater good will work out.. I believe HE is with me.. and let that knowledge carry my spirit when my flesh is weak and I want to give up.. If it wasn’t for GOD, my faith and people who do care and pray I would have stopped.. But in my situation and few can handle isolation and waiting… slowly it has seemed I am alone and only GOD with me.. yes yes I know there are people.. But have you ever been in a room full of people and yet still feel alone.. A lot of time I have felt that.. whatever that is I don’t know.. but when it is with you most of the time.. you lose the ability to hear.. you go through trauma etc.. its a world where you fight from within oblivious to others.. even in their presence..

I am listening to music right now.. almost as loud as it can be played because my hearing is so bad.. but the throb I can feel through the headphones along with the release of singing out within in the privacy of my room gives my heart freedom because I do let it all out.. I am an expressive person.. its how I am created.. My passion over losing a marriage, baby son, even the way to communicate to people.. and now as my struggles happen to me that threaten to crush me.. And everyone goes through their own lives.. what maybe small to one maybe the straw that can break the camels back to another.. Unless we walk in someones shoes we just don’t know..

The one bonus to all this is my GOD.. who is with me in this and I have spent much time talking to HIM and HE is very very close to me and I am very very aware of HIM… a closeness not many may understand.. I know many look at my outer and have judged me according to it.. but GOD never rejects me and I feel loved and special and beautiful to HIM.. So it is easy for me to retreat into HIS presence.. or talk to HIM as I go about my day.. I cannot talk about much else.. and people who know me would know this..

HE has promised in my weakness HE is my strength and that HE will show Himself strong and even reveal HIS glory to others so HE is evident.. so I don’t have to be afraid that even my weakness has its purposes.. Do you know how hopeful that is??? My gosh it gives me a purpose.. a reason to write now and not give in to hopelessness and defeat..

Only just yesterday ~ having a struggle with a teenage son 15 with not going to school for months… the psychologist treating him talked to my ex husband and suggested moving him out of my home to live with his dad for a few weeks.. I had been sick and couldn’t attend the appointment.. I was already at a weak place.. only time I have missed it..
it crushed me.. I have been back and forth to doctor, psychologist, talked to school, dealt with struggles on my own with my son morning after morning and this is the answer they give??

* losing a baby son..
* years of marriage struggles where I prayed and prayed for healing, answers.. hope for our family to stay together..
*now being a single mother.. losing a husband.. my oldest moved out very shortly after my marriage separated.. selling up the family home.. moving a few times since.. one other son moved out when he and I had problems and lived with his dad full time and didn’t come home.. so I am afraid now rightfully so..
* disabled/isolated because of severe hearing loss.. moved in my with parents and sharing a home because it was hard coping with rising costs and I had terrible problems with rental agents..
* Daughter in hospital only earlier in the week

It seems so crushing.. defeating and devastatingly cruel.. and yes you reading may have your own trials.. trials that seemed designed to break you.. that come at you from every angle and others may not see it.. may not understand you or see it for what it is.. thats another battle on top isn’t it.. when people don’t seem to care.. Oh you can be positive.. You can trust GOD more? You can do this.. or you can do that.. or you should have done this.. etc.. the list goes on.. we can be suffering and the way others treat us can add to all of that.. I wonder sometimes where peoples hearts have gone?

We all need love, grace, understanding, support, someone to listen, to be honest, to cry, to scream, to feel heard, to be respected.. to not be seen as crazy.. or if we are crazy.. be loved despite it.. Yes we need love and acceptance and to know we are not alone.. even if someone cannot help you its a help just to know your struggle matters..

This is the song below I have been listening too over and over..

Finally….

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It feels like I’ve been punched hard in the gut.. I feel tired, oh so tired.
Words wound. Laughter at me, at my sacred self hurts.. Why can’t you see it hurts me? Why can’t you treasure me and not make me feel like this.. I’m ashamed to tell anyone as if it’s my fault.. Ashamed I cannot stop it from happening.. Ashamed somehow that I deserve it because I cannot be treated right.. Like I invite it or cause it or don’t stop it…
I shrink low.. I cower and hide and try to forgive.. I will forgive. But it hurts..

You don’t know how it hurts.. For a moment of laughter can come hours of pain.. I try to just shrug it off but it happens again and again and I flounder.. I fail.. I go down like water pulled into a drain..

Please protect me from being made fun of. See me and the way I live and realise I need love too. I need acceptance always especially when I fall, when I fail, when I’m human. See that sometimes it is funny but sometimes it’s not.. I fear hurting you. That somehow I don’t matter.. That these feelings are wrong but they are still there. I feel embarrassed that I’m not stronger so I am brave here telling you.. I don’t want to be the victim anymore..

Lord help me. Help me to rise again.. Help me heal again. Hold me and help me not to shatter.. Release me from the poison of bitterness, depression and self pity.. But help me be brave and speak..
Help me to believe that I do matter, this is real and it does hurt and thank you at long last I’ve written this..
Amen

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Home In The Heart

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I love this picture and want to blog about it today.. Carry the meaning of it in my heart always.. I love Art Journalling and I love to cut out of magazines because pics, words, phrases, colours inspire my heart and can be used in my daily expressions.. This pic reminds me of a vision I once saw.. the table set similarly. The vision was of heaven and the table extended forever.. It was beautifully laid out and waiting for those who will celebrate together. When I see it it reminds me of what is to come.. Its hopeful and gives me great expectation for what GOD has promised. When I look at this I think of home. I think of belonging. I think of good times. Of celebrations. I think of equality. I think of room for everyone. You know I don’t think of heaven for just certain people. I think when I saw this vision it was for everyone.. That is what I sensed. I think of beauty and invitation. I think of everyone together and harmony.

When I think of adding home and heart together in the title. I think of the preparation. The joy of what’s to come. The love that is waiting to be expressed at this table. Although I didn’t see anyone at the table. There is not a sense of anyone missing it. Thats important to add.. Although the following says.. in front of my enemies.. the only enemies we have are the devil and his minions.. They will finally see GODS children in their rightful place with HIM forever.. and the culmination of the feast is that we will live in the house of the LORD forever.. I believe we can see this before they do by faith.

What also comes to mind.. is that this is a vision also of HIS presence with us. HIS SPIRIT. His goodness and love is with us all our lives.. because HE never leaves or forsakes us and is with us to the end of the age. We carry heaven within us.. and HIS SPIRIT does keep us till this day.. It speaks of time to come.. but time is no more in GOD and as we awaken to this I see people appearing around this table.. šŸ™‚ so we can begin to see with spiritual eyes that we are already seated in heavenly places..

Psalm 23:5-6
5 You prepare a meal for me
in front of my enemies.
You pour oil of blessing on my head;[a]
you fill my cup to overflowing.
6 Surely your goodness and love will be with me
all my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.