Category Archives: Holy Spirit Speaks

Something greater going on despite the weirdness

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Having doubts even writing this lol.

Why LORD why when nobody will probably read it?

But when something amazing happens the normal thing is to share it.. so in what feels an abnormal moment I will share it nevertheless.

Abnormal is what I would call my life. I know people might say I harp on about it. This life I live and being alone so much. But it’s my truth. Only recently a face book friend actually said they’d be in town, where I live and wanted to meet me. But its strange you know this person isn’t what you’d call close. A friend, acquaintance.. Someone I have known for quite a few years through our on-line group Unify and face book and I don’t remember how long or the circumstances of becoming friends either.

But that isn’t why I didn’t take him up on it. He and his wife which he didn’t actually mention but I know he is married were visiting family who live here. The thing is I hardly see a soul and being deaf means face to face is hard enough and I miss so much. I don’t really have anyone else to ask to come along with me to meet him.. like as a support. I only really see family these days. So I declined. Yes I guess seeing I am alone so much that it is rather a bad thing isn’t it to decline to see someone who actually wants to meet up.

It is just that texting on a phone or screen is easier than talking face to face and I don’t feel as comfortable in a social setting as I do texting. I will miss a lot of what is said anyway and yeah losing so much of a conversation and being uncomfortable all the time while you sit and try to work out what has been said isn’t fun.. Although I do ask people to repeat themselves sometimes that doesn’t work either and I feel so bad knowing the other person has said something to me I have no idea about what it was.. It’s not enjoyable and it doesn’t really interest me. Lol not that seeing him in person wouldn’t be good and they are not interesting.. its not about the other person perse.. I mean I love people but its frustrating for me and any good seems sucked up in anxiety.. I don’t think to be honest anyone would like to spend a few hours talking to thin air cause that is what happens yet here I am juggling the very same thing thinking why write my heart out if nobody will read it but I think at least its out in the world and can be found even years later rather then spoken once and lost forever.
I have to be honest and I do not feel that I could be my best or even half myself… meeting him. I don’t think he has ever read my blog here either and I feel he or anyone else would know me better reading here then ever you could know me face to face.. True honest.

In person I am not the same as my spirit or as I am creatively speaking. I am shy, I am introverted and I will freeze up. I will struggle to find things to talk about AND on top of all that I will be fumbling to communicate with you and struggle to hear you.. LOL it sounds like a fish out of water doesn’t it. 😀

Now I am not picking on him. But there is no chat back and forth between us regularly or even irregularly I think thats the same for most people on face book its a connection point rather then social point. You are friends you see an occasional update or too maybe comment here and there. You share your opionions and thoughts on your face book and they on theirs and you might even read up occasionally.

My fault as well it is just that if there was more contact I probably would be more inclined to be around someone even if it were a struggle. More connection.. More meaningful. More ease.. definitely a greater reason to push myself out there. I do not mean to disappoint anyone. Nor disrespect anyone. I find it very hard to be honest in these moments. But I would rather be honest then make excuses and just ditch people by not turning up or not saying how I really feel.. But as always the other person even when I’m completely honest it’s rare I know what they feel.. very few talk like I do.. so I guess that’s partly why it’s rare for me to find a connection.

In saying all that ha ha. I will get to the greater going on. My latest art piece which I have not finished by the way. And it could be rather embarrassing too because I was actually attempting to draw/paint my own brother. I have one sister and one brother on earth and one sister in heaven. My brothers photo added to show as reference.

I thought this time I should draw a guy.. the portrait before this one was a weird face guy.. it was refreshing to draw/paint a guy.. it wasn’t my usual portrait.. I especially loved drawing a character where I just had fun with freely drawing a face and letting what came come..

My own best attribute I feel is just being myself lol and not being afraid to be honest and let my imperfections show. The good and the bad..

I don’t believe I am a gifted artist. I believe I can do art and I am improving and I have talents but to be honest my art has imperfections and I never feel that I could get to the point of selling it because of this very reason. So I feel my art will mostly be just be for personal pleasure and also a beautiful freestyle vessel of communication and sharing my heart. Any artist that makes money lets be honest they are very good at what they do. There is an excellence about how they craft their talent & how they do it. And very rightly most art is pricey. Good art is and that is because it takes time and devotion and artists are worthy of that because they put their heart and soul into it.

Good artists are noticed and although some may not be appreciated in their time. All great talent is eventually realized because it wows us, it thrills us, it brings us to our knees, inspires, evokes emotions, captivates etc.. Touches and changes the world.

Now what excites me about my art isn’t so much the talent I have or that people are raving about it ha ha but what God reveals to me through HIS Spirit and though my imperfections which oh my is so empowering. I mean I literally get propelled through my life simply knowing that GOD is in this with me, no matter who else isn’t noticing… and it is because HE is with me and so supportive it gives me wings, joy overflowing and love like nobody else ever could.. All the while even though I am imperfect.. It gives me incredible fortitude.. hope spring up in my heart and I can find myself excited to share something like this even though many times the stats tell me very few and sometimes no one reads it. My art unlike my sharing here is getting more attention and it’s not the attention I’m after so much it’s that it’s a place where others come.. we meet where I share my art and I’m happy, free, not uncomfortable and I’m inspired..

It is EXACTLY this determination to press onwards where I feel and I recognise in myself that I know that I know that I know it is GOD in me. ❤ Art is not only where I communicate but where I connect best with others it’s also a place my soul/spirit senses Gods presence..

My latest art piece I have to share even unfinished because last night.. Or rather early this morning GOD was speaking to me in my half asleep time.

The picture was done digitally on an app on my ipad.

To be honest from the beginning it did not start to look like my brother and yes I was relaxed about it. Not anal. I starting erasing lines to and fro and I thought no no I want to be free with this. So I kept on drawing and not erasing. I was trying for a likeness though and sometimes in my drawings others have said they can see that likeness and I have seen that likeness for the subject but this was not one of these times. The more I worked on it the more it began to look like my on line friend Dustin in Canada. I was not thinking of him at all. But it looks like him though lol. I am not sure if that happens to any other artist? Draw one thing and it kind of morphs into something else or someone else. But even though I was using my brothers photo for a reference point and did not stop using it.. my online friend was forming in the picture and I have no idea why. Spirit surely does come and go as it wishes..

It was late at night I was drawing so I was tired and went to bed without finishing my art. I shared it with Dustin via messenger though cause he is also an artist but not a practicing artist lol he did 6 years at uni for art but hasn’t got the heart for it anymore. He is extremely talented too and very patient with me lol and I show him most everything ha ha.

It was overnight in Canada so I see now he has finally seen it. Haven’t talked to him though about it. But it wasn’t honestly about him that I was mentally aware of at the time.
The kicker is that before I went to bed I heard the Holy Spirit say. ‘There is a friend that is closer then a brother. ‘

Which is an actual scripture in the bible. And truth for me too in life because my brother Quentin and I are not close as siblings. Don’t see each other very often and very rarely talk together more than pleasantries.

Which is a complete opposite to Dustin whom I talk to via messenger every single day. Online bestie for many years and he is definitely closer to me then my brother..

Again I do not know what it means but even going back to earlier what I said about my strength being of my spirit more then my flesh or face to face. My art is showing me a far deeper and greater thing happening then simply what I am drawing or how good I am at it. Gods Spirit is right there with me in it.. in me while I am creatively expressing and I can see HE is sort of tying in my life, truth, creative expressions in what I am doing and they all sort of tumble together and come forth in ways that open my eyes to I think other worldly meanings and greater truths which I absolutely cannot keep inside myself I have to share. Isn’t that though exactly what we are meant to do though. Share our faith!!!

I am calling on GOD right now to help me remember but it’s not coming though. Seems so unfair you know when Gods Spirit was communing with me so closely in the dark hours just before sun up and it was woah… but like many dreams I have they disappear pretty soon after I wake and unless I scribble things down I soon forget..

It was early this morning in relation to my art and I think mostly it had so encouraged me that the scripture about a friend being closer to me then a brother that it came and so beautifully fitted with my art and what happened.. That it was a total God moment. This is exactly what motivates and drives me to write now. I rely on spirit and not flesh. God reminds the bible also says.. Flesh counts for noting..

I only wish I could explain just how wonderful it is to me.. I mean I literally have little use lol in this life for anyone.. Raising my children of course. A busy year for my youngest who is in final year of High School. She has a job as well. One more son at home and I run another son around to work etc who lives full time with his father. He is a grown up son though but doesn’t drive.

Not a great house keeper, do not work. Rarely leave the house lol. I do not go to church of a weekend. I cannot hear and God is with me 24/7 right here and I do get some of the social part via internet I mean I am connected to many believers in God via internet. Where I join in and pray with others. Share with others online. But mostly my life is very quiet and not much else.

I am not a motivated person. Art wise is the exception. It is where I am spiritually motivated but outwardly I am looking at what I put out into the world compared to say 5 years ago. I’d say less and less and less.. so much so that as I’ve said before it’s rare I show up on people’s radars these days..

I am not religious outward. I am different to what I used to be. How I used to post. What I used to say. How I came across.

But when GOD Spirit is right here with me. Despite all this. It is incredibly affirming, stabilizing. Peace & joy producing. Personal. Intimate. Spontaneous. Delightful actually. I literally feel my borders if there is such a thing expanding..

Perfect love drives out fear. So I can find contentment right here right now..

I love this from another artist whose magazine I receive in the mail via USA. Mandy Steward. E zine ‘Secret Message Society.’

She says.. I am further along than I thought I’d be at this point in my REVOLUTION. The words aren’t as necessary, nor is the being NOTICED. Who is left to notice?

That fits with me exactly..

I will share a picture of what she wrote..

Cause I love it. I do not have to be afraid. If God is for me who can be against me? And the wonder of it is.. GOD in me. Miracle right there. HE came as us.. Human.. To show us the KINGDOM is within. Humans. Flesh. As Spirit.

Maybe it doesn’t matter the intimate things HE was whispering to me in the early hours. They were welcomed and encouraging to my spirit and soul. They seeped down into the depths of me where I am found where few have found me and I am comforted and feel beloved and precious. Like God stopped the world just for me. Affirmed.. Held.. Loved.. Valued.. Tears come even though I do not remember word for word.. It is enough that HE came and I do not need to recall it. It is there inside me.

My art has been all about faces lately. Which does seem strange for someone who rarely is close to anyone’s face.. It tell me though something great. That Spirit is intimate.. Closer then flesh.. Face to face as lovely as it is.. Is not needed in spirit realms.

Otherwise Holy Spirit could not be our comforter and teacher. YET HE is.. In the darkest time just before sun rise HE IS with us. Speaking. I believe even to the masses who might not even acknowledge HIM.. Just like HE hovered over the void that was yet to be earth. HE is and we are in HIM. Even now as we are. There is not fear. Just believe.

Let’s face it lol

When you are aware of God so acutely you’re in the right place even if it feels the wrong place.. ❤️🕊

Numbers 6:24-26

The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace.’

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A Great Deal Of Trust

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What amazes me with my art is how it transforms my world completely. I go from a standing position where there is nothing happening and no direction. To ideas and inspiration flying about in my head. Love it. Has literally saved my life!

This art was my adaptation to a piece of art from Womankind Magazine artwork by Aida Novoa and Carlos Egan. It is similar but adapted to my own life and meanings.

Calling it ‘Art of Letting Go’.

Another weekend without kids around and I had time to myself but no energy or motivation. Zilch of anything really. I was watching Dvds of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, drinking coffee and playing with my phone. Hours were just falling away with nothing to show for it.

Finally I decided to look through some magazines with the idea to at least do a collage to get things going and at least find some words or images that I could personally share to express how I was feeling. I tend to shut down if I do not express myself daily. And so when I flicked through the pages of said magazine I found the picture. It resonated with me and I decided to use it as an inspiration for how I am feeling and it just became so much more.

Because immediately as I started drawing and thought about it whilst drawing.. I perked up. I made the figure in it to represent myself. It is amazing how ideas started flowing. I do not know what the artist intended with their piece but it to me it symbolizes my creative and spiritual life.

I have for awhile used the color pink to represent my creative life. The paint mingled with the black ink from the pen I outlined with and smudged it. So much meaning even in that. The stripes show how my heart has been caged and that I have not been free to be who I am. So the pink colors look darker. I am facing away with my face hidden because I have felt very invisible though I do also acknowledge that this has made me stand out which isn’t completely a bad thing. The wind has caused my hair to cover my face. Small and seemingly insignificant. Hands behind my back because I have felt alone and judged. But I do note I am in the picture at least. 🙂

I wanted to make the sky an aqua color as it represents my spirit which is vast, free and always expanding when it is the driving force in my life and I consider my best life to be the one lived through my spirit so the flesh life difficulties I do face in this realm are useful because without my trials I would not have found this other life. Otherwise my life is barren and lack lustre and I feel alone and uninspired so I used colors to represent that.

The birds/spirits flying and busy are Gods Spirit and angels at work in my life and they are large, active, pure and beautiful and give me buoyancy and purpose so that is what I need to concentrate on and it is what my art and creative expression are most wonderfully useful for. I didn’t concentrate on form because it is mostly by faith they are active in my life so even though I do not see their face or shape I am very aware of their presence. I think also that I become like that too.. In my invisibility I can do more and be more.

At the time I was thinking about the Spiritual atmosphere in my life which is where my majority of focus has to be if I am to live large and free in this life I’m given to live. Gods Spirit appeared to cheer my heart as I worked on my painting and reminded me of these scriptures about the way the Spirit works.

John 3:8
The wind blows wherever it wants. Just as you can hear the wind but can’t tell where it comes from or where it is going, so you can’t explain how people are born of the Spirit.”

John 6:63

The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you — they are full of the Spirit and life.

John 14:26
The Holy Ghost shall teach you all things,

I mean that last one is EXACTLY what was happening in this creative exercise. And it doesn’t happen quite the same anywhere else..

My life does baffle me in the flesh lol because the majority do not live like I do and it is quite the thing to live off the grid. It appears to be about fitting in with everyone else and if you go by how it appears I am very different. If I think too much on that I stop and things seem drab and I lose my flow and get quite despondent. I give myself over to fear. The fear that there is nothing meaningful to my contributions to life.

It is very satisfying seeing this art because it is different to what I usually do. It has intense meaning in what it represents rather than attention to detail because even though I want to add words or journaling on the painting it is enough as is.. And it is sending a message even as it is – stand alone and that is what I have to trust God with.

I am not used to doing art that speaks without word ha ha I say that as I write many words in this blog post but I think to further understand the impact my art has on me it is worth sharing what is propelling me as I create it. There is a fear in me that my art won’t be seen and understood but that is again where I need to trust God.. That for all my smallness of my flesh life and most people I know only see that solitary woman and wonder that I haven’t lost the plot altogether. The Spirit of God does what HE wishes with my gifts and talents & therefore even with my life and because it so empowers me I am always encouraged to share it.

Indeed I think what if I completely gave myself over to my spiritual life and what would happen if I did?? What would I create then? What messages would the Holy Spirit have to speak to me and ultimately through me. It does make me think.

30 day Art Challenge

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Day #6 (randomly sharing here)

Create a piece of art using collage that reflects your ideal life as revealed by the Holy Spirit.

So easy these days in the Spirit which for me is in the creative realm.

It comes and I know it’s meaning straight away .. it may seem simple.. but it is such a powerful message if you can see it with spiritual eyes.. The eyes of your heart being enlightened..

But as my Collage shows.. Support is critical.. I smiled with the word mass tacked on to critical.. the meaning of those two words together says it all..

I truly believe with support I can best/better fit the role I’m meant to fill in in this life.. And it will be for more then just me.. I believe even now when I’m so often a loner it’s a word for the masses.. But the isolation hasn’t stopped me. I keep sharing.. keep speaking.. keep the faith..

My daughter gave me the Frankie magazine that all these elements on this page came from in this collage. The first time I saw the orchestra circle I knew it was a message for now.. first element I chose today..

Then the Secret Message Society magazine that I subscribe too all the way from USA came yesterday.. with the little keep card that says..

I tighten my circle..

Ohh how it all fits.. and it appears it’s what’s been happening to me too. A sign when I’m perplexed by who isn’t close and about that physical gulf around me..

I will photograph it and create a copy of the card to add to the collage later to keep it for display.. but it fits so well so for now it sits on the page so I can share it with you..

A poem I wrote this morning when I woke up and couldn’t sleep..

Like a great big gulf.

Where I am.

From where others are.

Like a lake at night.

Look across and see tiny lights on the other side..

That’s how I feel. Those lights are people to me.

So distant..

I talk to God HE is with me.

HE is with those across the lake.

HE is over the lake.. HE is in the gulf.

I am not sad. I am not anxious.

I am aware I am held in this place.

30 days Art Challenge..

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I start things and don’t finish but oh well.. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to do this.. Today I did my first piece and see how I go.. it’s based on the question below.. with Matt Tommy..

Create a piece of art reflecting your interpretation of God’s love for you!

No energy day.. no motivation day.. this began with an already painted background in my altered diary from 2015.. I found a blank spiral bound book (diary) good sized & solid enough pages second hand repurposed it as an art journal.

Started with scribbles no preconceived ideas.. used oil pastels & used colours that stood out at this moment.. Worked with them and saw a vision appearing.. i have had a very basic prayer time today.. small faith thing.. long life of not seeing.. not experiencing.. blind faith.. stubborn faith.. being led in desert like situations..

Turned into what looked like DNA strands.. I’m actually encouraged that there’s blues and pinks signifying to me.. male and female as one.. meaningful for a long standing prayer I have and also answers deep issues our world has about genders..

Also signifies the beautiful life God has opened up not outside but inside me.. I need to return to Spirit for everything to make sense.. come back to order..

When my outside world doesn’t do it for me.. can’t find inspiration any place.. I’m reminded of the inner world.. HIS kingdom is within.. When I’ve got what feels like nothing.. GOD simply is saying.. it’s ok.. all is well..

I’m reminded of resting in HIM with me.. sit with it.. Trust HIM right where I am as I am.. Peace settles.. simplicity.. beauty.. even just existing.. HIS presence is love.. with me.. A grand design already perfect but I need to refocus my inner woman vision to not be focused where it is currently.

HIS love is HIM.. always with me.. always beautiful.. always present.. always wowing me in countless ways when my mind is on HIM and embarrassingly rather easy to find right here with me when I stop worrying.. stop feeling depressed.. stop trying to work it out.. and just look to HIS Kingdom within me.. Get back to the core of it all already in me!!

Crowd of Witnesses

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I woke up early this morning with a headache and I think even half asleep I am so used to just starting to commune with God in prayer in my mind for healing. I find myself rebuking sickness even half asleep. I think also a bit of pain now and again God uses to get my mind on HIM and this was one of those times. He had a message to share with me. As I am praying I am waking up. Having a drink of water. Toilet stop. Talking to God about things that have been on my mind the previous day gone. Heck my mind can go all over. :/ I am sure others understand this. Unfortunately at times it can be rather annoying because it means I wake up too much and its not so easy to go back to sleep. In this instance I am glad I woke up more than I needed..

Not all my thoughts tend to be happy though. At times there can be rather an onslaught of reminders of ALL the ways I have failed since childhood. Groan groan groan. I wish I could write exactly how my thoughts led to this art piece today and why as soon as my youngest had been taken to school and I was home again I got to creating it straight away. I do not actually know the lead up. I do know that as I sat on the toilet with my phone lol. Yes I do that. I started to type in the words and thoughts that were coming up in my notes ap so later when I got back to sleep I could remember them.

Quite often I can have the most amazing dreams but wake up and quickly forget them 😦

The words I wrote down were ‘Crowd of Witnesses’ ‘Support’ ‘Comforting’ Helps’ Not alone’

I have personally often felt alone in my sharing. There are a few faithful yes. But the majority of what I create, share and express I have felt generally alone with it. So often I read just how important support is to an artist, athlete, person etc when they are working on a goal or career or life purpose. Crowds cheer on their football team or line the marathon course to encourage the athletes, fans buy the paintings of an artist & faithfully attend the concerts of their favorite music bands. Family attends recitals, practice sessions etc etc.. it goes on..

It seems imperative to me just how important it is for anyone who wants to go places in life that they feel supported and cheered on. A reoccurring suggestion often put to me seems to be that my art should be mostly for myself or even just for God and me. Rather then looking for outward recognition and being disappointed by lack of interest .

Now if anyone really knows me I tend to stand back. I tend to stay hidden and do not excerpt myself. I am not known for outward confidence at all.

So putting my art/heart out into the world has been quite a huge step out of my comfort zone personally yet those around me do not seem to recognize this the same which can drive me batty. YET even still I do not do it for feed back or even to be seen. I do it cause I cannot communicate like everyone else being deaf. It is how I express myself plus since I was young sharing with my whole heart has just been my thing AND I love it.

An Artist has to be bold even if they are not doing it to make money. Because its only natural to share art with anyone else. How many little children’s art work come home from school, kindergarten, child care etc and are proudly displayed where everyone can see it. What on earth happens though as we grow up?

I do not know why people think art or art expression in whatever form it takes has to be only for the person who created it. I think it is natural to share it but for some reason many equate that with some kind of ‘look at me persona’..?!?

Anyway lol I might have deviated off track with some of that but I still very much feel I have to explain myself and why I do what I do. This sense in my mind early this morning of a ‘crowd of witnesses’ around me actually brought a wave of sweetest comfort to my soul. I do not know at this point whether I still had the headache or not. Pain tends to be forgotten when you receive spiritual epiphanies.

But I felt very motivated to try to capture that sense in some way artistically and felt a little excited that I had a way forward for the coming day. Oh how many days I have sitting without any motivation.. EXACT reason I’m fuelled by doing this.. the realisation that this surge of motivation is from GOD.. I truly believe HE wants me to do this!!! ❤😍🕊🌈

I am loving oil pastels atm so that is the tool of choice to do this with.

Lol they are supposed to be buildings.. like houses.. but they look more like tombstones :/ perhaps they symbolize buried dreams, dead ends, end of living my life the way everyone else does or the way everyone else thinks I should? End of relationships? Who knows..

They do speak to me of the coldness of the world/people I often experience.. the darkness of being alone and isolated and rejected.

Feeling unsupported in what makes my heart come alive and feel passionate with purpose. I have also found religion cold, comfortless, not easily able to relate to it anymore.. not really fitting in with the aliveness of my spirit. Boxed in..

The figures around me are not ghosts lol but rather the crowd of witnesses Gods Spirit was encouraging me with this morning. Spirit is not like a human voice. It is rather a knowing in you. Deeper than worded prayer yet appears in some ways like knowing ideas that I could never have thought about in my head, yes scriptures made alive with words or images.. that fit with my life and situation.. like a praying in the spirit if you use a heavenly language of tongues.

I think sometimes my spiritual language is like intuition. Art helps me access it. Colours and images and symbols too.

Moon represents my current life..

I actually saw the moon while walking my dog yesterday. Full moon last night.

Night times especially late at night and middle of night I pray best .. Sometimes with tears rolling down my cheeks. I know GOD better in darkness and from being alone both physically and isolation from deafness and social dysfunction. Introversion has its perks though. I have more time to dedicate to art and expressing myself. I got invited to a craft group just the other day. But my heart was not in that. Some of this life I have chosen, most not.

But I do know that I have time to fully concentrate on what I love to do. The downfall I guess is that when I need people or the way I need people my spirit living has some wave length problems to reach others hearts but I really have to trust God with that because there are some heart connections I’ve made that are stronger than any face to face or blood relationships. Most live by the world around them and face to face.

Thankfully the crowd of witnesses around me depicted in my art mean that I am not alone no matter how it feels!! Encouraging. I believe once people die they are spiritually alive but somewhere else. I do believe they are around us or watching. They are purified and aren’t physically limited anymore and with that I believe come the spiritual knowledge that perhaps I am living with some of that too but yet I am still in my flesh body on earth?

They know our hearts unlike people in the flesh around us may not know or appear to know and understand us. I tried to express that closeness and support of the wittnesses by adding some pink to every witness depicted in my art piece around the central figure that represents me.

It is a spiritual thing obviously and although GODs word encourages us to live by faith and not by sight.. The spiritual living I have since discovered when I shifted from physical worship to spiritual worship in truth is very very different like day to night or night to day .

I am encouraged and inspired to draw from their strength. Encouraged by their presence. I do not have to rely on human connections that have for so long not seen or known or connected with me in ways I needed or desire.

God is helping me keep up the good work I have been fitted to do. And I am not hiding my light under a bushel.. or whatever the modern word is for that. Basket? Cover? Under wraps? Definitely not hiding socially just expressing myself through another medium!!

We are supposed to let our lights so shine. My light just so happens to be my simplistic/symbolic art and many words 😁.

Shared via social media in the here and now.🕊

Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..

 

What do I need to feel safe to come back?

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Following on from the last post I made here.

This writing and art piece are my work inspired by “Into the Shadows”  part two I will link to it.

Here.

Going to work at trying to say less here lol. Didn’t work 😆

Inspired by a scripture John 14:23 and the latter half mostly.  We will come to him and make our abode in him.. Obviously referring to me as ‘her’ not him.. I am a believer in God. But I kind of ditched everything I once knew to focus mainly on the SPIRIT because of all the difficulties I have gone through with life and also losing my ability to hear like everyone else.

Holy SPIRIT is my counsellor. Heart thing. From where I live from. Kingdom of heaven within reality. To get more of a sense of what I mean you’d probably have to go back and read more of my writing.

For me in this art piece. Having focused on my Shadow Self as I read what was asked of those following.

I immediately (without having even putting oil pastel to paper) knew this expression is what I wanted to express! I love, love, love the oil pastel kind of represents the HOLY SPIRIT too. In the bible there are many references to SPIRIT as oil!! That thought just came to me as I was writing and it is not why I have purposely chosen oil pastels.. When you are led by your Spirit it is absolutely incredible how all things work together and you just flow and know.

Here are my thoughts.

Naked flesh. I want to be vulnerable and transparent. Dark and grey background. Difficulties I face in the world. Many grey areas in our world even the religious world. Things are not crystal clear. The fact being we have so many fractions of religion and belief systems and non belief systems. Issues can divide human kind so easily and they do. How many bible interpretations are there and different beliefs about it.

Neck. Communication. My story/voice has struggled to be brought forth and therefore be acknowledged.

Hard.. so hard to communicate and I am not like everyone else. I even struggle to be the same as the majority of deaf.

Blue sadness. Struggles. Frustrations. Broken relationships that cut me off from being myself and its hard to do relationships because of what I have lived through. Feeling of being strangled. Choked. Alone. Isolated. The way I have been treated by people who should know me and stick up for me who have turned away and made me feel like my life force isn’t valuable. I find it hard to breathe life and be all that I am and can be. The mistreatment is like hands to my neck strangling the life out of me.

Black crosses criss-cross my throat to express all this but I think looking at the rest of my art this is not dominating my life and I do not need or wish to focus on this part of my life rather just acknowledge it.

Heart surrounded by my emotions. My need to express myself is huge.. Shows how central and important my heart/emotions etc are to my life force. I do not focus outwardly much at all these days. That shows clearly here.

Broken heart still evident though isn’t it wonderful to know and realise GODs SPIRIT still meets us in broken imperfect human hearts!! And so beautifully desires to make a ‘Home’ in us.. within us.. WOW!!

What I need to come fully or more fully into the light is…

To keep my focus on what is occurring within.  That sweetest of meeting places where HIS strength combines with my humanness therefore changing everything!!

For out of the heart flows the issues of life.

Royal purple flow at the bottom which I still feel is so much smaller than it could be but thankfully it is coming.. is flowing..

But I notice that again isn’t the greatest of importance to me.. Isn’t what I need mostly or as it seems is my real true focus.

Right here I can take a load off.. sigh and take heart. For I recognise in myself immense growth. Because I am not wanting to be ‘famous or perfect’ in my art expression or even wait till I’m perfect.. Not just doing it for others either which is surprising.. Rather my art expression is the vehicle to seeing what IS my truest reality and then I share it.

I think recognising the importance of daily art expression and indeed realising it is a great gift to me from GOD. I can glory in being fully myself and realising that all the while inside my heart that although it has been broken by life is ever present and healing is occurring.

There is a HUGE powerful force at work within me. THIS is where I need to focus on to fully come back!!!! If only in my outer life like in my art piece I can see it as HUGE as this. That little flow might just start to flood and saturate the wider world around me!!!

This is my art piece in a large nut shell lol. I am learning even as I write this and contemplate my art.

It is truly amazing though that my art expression is not showing me what still has to happen. It is not showing me things I still need to do.

IT IS showing me what is HAPPENING ALREADY

I just have to be aware. ❤️🌷🕊

Shadow Self

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What keeps me going is what the world calls coincidence but I call GOD moments.

Today an extremely personal art piece because of one of these so called GOD moments. Perhaps the most personal piece I have ever done. I want to be completely free and I’m always moving towards that.

Free in every way possible and being honest, brutally honest seems to be the only way to be free and to rise above things that keep me bound or make me believe I am bound.

This link is to a free offering called.. Into the Shadow part 1. Where you can find information on the why.. It is a free course offered this month of April 2018 by Tracy Algar. I am in a face book group she runs and this course is being shared there.

It’s where I found myself earlier today simply having a look at the art others had posted and found it encouraging. I then decided to grab some magazines here at home and do some collage art unrelated but inspired by what I had been looking at.

So as I began looking for things to cut out I randomly found an article on the very same thing I had just been reading in her course!!!! Coincidence or what!?! Call it what you will. But I take these things as neon arrows that this has relevance for me.

I decided to have a go at my own ‘Shadow’ piece but chose instead oil pastels to create it.

Often I am feeling a plethora of feelings but not always knowing how to articulate them or even what direction to go for in prayer to God to help me with it. Art is a way to sort through and express my heart at the deepest level.

When I look at this piece below what am I thinking? I feel much more honest than I’ve ever been before. I seem to focus on faces more than any other thing and have for awhile now. Obviously being a deaf person my eyesight is a major thing and I need to be close to others to understand them. Faces to me are about intimacy and particularly so being a loner of sorts, a single parent and often am on my own now that the children are growing up. My art seems to be focused more often than not on a solitary figure because that’s where I’m at.

Face to face thing is imperative. I need to be in anyone’s face to communicate in any way but also I think I am frustrated and angry that it’s hard to communicate and such a struggle all the time to find a willing face to communicate with at the same level.. Face to face communication is actually rare for me these days so there is more of an urgency to be in your face if that makes sense.

My heart another huge factor in my life. If its not a heart thing I am not really interested in it or lose interest in it quickly. I am drawn very much to truth and people who speak from the heart no matter how different they might be from me.

Emotions are precious and beautiful to me and I am a ‘feelings’ person so my art is going to reflect that. But I do feel more a loner for it too because most people I am associated with do not share intimately or like I do so I feel alone because I need too and everyone else around me does not. So I do tend to hold it in when I’m with anyone which is not good for me or I freak someone out when it seems to pours out without end in sight..

With few to share it with or who I feel wish to be hear it and not many around that are likewise yeah I get stuck with it and it can keep me blocked or it’s simply easier to dwell in my own little world to cope with it..

But also unfortunately my heart has been damaged by life, feeling isolated.. by people who don’t try to get me but also I consider it to be mostly damaged by being my vulnerable self in a way that is an absolutely necessity for me and yet for the most part is speaking to thin air and that feels plain weird.. I am acutely aware of this void around me.. It is my hardest battle and it IS NOT FOR ATTENTION I talk about it but I consider it necessary for SURVIVAL. I have had to fight for a place like a little bird squawks loudly if it wants to thrive. Only my squawking is done with my art now lol and there are days I don’t do it.

Being quiet and in any way half hearted or not true to myself I feel crippled and that has severed me from even myself and keeps me from wanting to be in the company of most anyone. I truly do not see any real reason to exert myself in the world or with anyone if I can’t relate or be relative to anyone else. Art just for myself no thank you. Please don’t suggest that cause it’s strange just like talking to oneself all the time is strange. I can’t communicate with another person like you can. If you don’t get that you never will get me.

I disconnect from the world to survive this and I find my own way through. It’s why I write so much here.. pour myself into it for hours.. It’s probably a couple of months worth of conversations you’ve enjoyed every day but I’ve missed out on..

The severed head is really a savage way to speak my rawest truth that I’ve felt decapitated by feeling unless I do it your way I’m wrong.. Suffering disconnection when others around me have not realised I need them to value me and accept me as I am how I am. That being who I am is not an evil thing. The evil thing is not facing the world in a way where I’m free to be me.

My emotions are who I am. I cannot survive if I do not express them. Yes I realise even doing this that I need to stop shrinking because of what people think or how they function. But I should hardly apologise for needing people. I just need them differently to you..

We all.. human and creature need each other but we all have different ways to need each other. I need to speak honestly and I also need to know I’m seen & heard sometimes even if I’m not understood. I realise though that I have to stop feeling wrong for doing so period.

It’s a very dark world if I am expected to live without sharing from my heart. I did not draw in my ears because I can’t hear and I do not focus on what I cannot do.

My eyes are actually closed in this for that is how I appear to the world who will not see my heart and that can be people who should know me better but don’t go beyond the surface. I will look different to them. But they will not be focusing on the truth of me at all.

My reality is that my eyes are wide open and I have nothing to hide. I thought of the scripture the eyes are the window to the soul and it may not be very clear in this art but the whites in my art first started as flesh than I coloured them with yellow. The whites of my eyes are now yellow in this piece. I feel people think I am ill instead of seeing me as a living, feeling, breathing spiritual person. But I am actually lit from within because of HIM and Spirit is where I live majorly from (where HE is). I believe that if majority see only my flesh they miss out on me almost completely so to them I’m disconnected or broken.

Yes I need to see myself differently. I will say that even though my heart has been broken it will never extinguish my Spirit thankfully so I have surrounded my heart with yellow to symbolise that.

My cheek shows a rosy colour! Pink is my emotions. My mouth is upturned to more a smile than frown. My eyes are open. My tears help me release emotions don’t ever be afraid of them. I’m looking straight ahead. I am focused. I live from my heart and spirit. My brokenness does not stop me. HE is with me. HE is life, hope, health & strength in my weakness.

It is with complete fearlessness that I share my most vulnerable self with you. People around me have failed me as I know that I have failed others when I am only a shadow of myself. I will remain hidden to anyone who does not see my heart because that is my truest self.

I am not begging or hiding here or ashamed. It is with boldness and vulnerability I reveal my shadow self and raw naked soul with it. Spirit is my realm and where my Spirit is.

I am.

Any arguments. HE created me take it up with HIM.. 😊❤️🕊

Light

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Isaiah 9:2
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.

I love the light shining from clouds. Sun rays breaking through. They amazingly encourage me no end.
Heaven piercing through to earth. I took this photo while I was walking my dog one day and I love everything about it. It was like a spotlight, so direct this particular ray breaking through. My Iphone seemed to capture the remaining daylight as much more dark then it actually was but it works to highlight the sunbeam of light even more.

I have noticed these much more in my latter life and there was a period of time when I saw rays of light every single day I walked no matter what time I walked outside and I have seen them many more times and most of the time I have to take a photo. God has encouraged me through them because this latter part of my life has been hardest. I need HIM more than I ever have before. I have felt very much like a person walking in darkness as the leading scripture I shared says and it was exactly as if a light had dawned just for me and it gives immense hope.

My circumstances may not have changed too much but I have changed inside. I have hope within where it felt hopeless before and just seeing this strengthens my spirit.

God is that light to me. It felt very much that HE was shining it just for me at that moment. Right place right time. Exact message I needed to help me keep going.

This word is part of a series of words that together with other people I met with in December last year via a face book group and daily we were supposed to art journal about them.  For Advent LOL but I am slowly still plodding through. Hardly any time of late to do art and before that not very much motivation or desire. So I am persisting through even though I do not really know why. I think perhaps they are helping me just keep going and knowing that I didn’t give up is good for me to make myself do it.

I know remembering this photo and tying it in with the word encourages me again today. That is the power of God and scripture too.. One verse.. Sometimes just one word is all it takes to speak to me. Time or apparent circumstances seem not to disempower spiritual matters. Light is God to me whether it is for Advent, past, present or future. Spirit always packs a punch though it can come differently and in any form which is why it’s so wonderful at helping you see the divine in the every day.

Spirit is strong. Spirit is current. Spirit is good. I love that I can tie in photography, art, words, timing, God, Spirit, faith, scripture, art supplies, my art journal, personal sharing in putting this together AND share it on social media too.. ❤️️❤️

Untitled

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I can’t think of a suitable title. So ‘Untitled’ is perfect. There are no words for how I am feeling today.
I am vulnerable and weak. Apart from a very late night pickup of teenagers at an out of town party.. Running on little sleep. I have been fasting food since Friday night or rather that was the last time I ate.
Prayer and fasting. For a very close friend. My best friend. The reasons are private but this friend has been more loyal than anyone else I know. The scripture says there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. And this friend is all that. Today I could break it but I don’t want too at least not yet. The scripture “when I weak, HE is strong”… is resonating inside me right now. I feel that power too. My stomach is growling and loudly but I feel this surge and I know it’s GOD in me and that is just a little too good to want it to end. And I NEED that. My friend needs that. Our world needs that. And I can use it.. I can use the emotion the spiritual elation. That hunger for food mirrors the emptiness of my life and the crazy life of lack that dogs me. The areas that crave connection to the point I have thought at times of not existing at all in this world. Because it has felt too much to bare. Too impossibly hard to yearn for physical connection I have missed out on and fall so short with. I know even though I am a loner, a self confessed introvert I still need soul connections. I need someone else but close and deep not shallow. Yes even I need not to be alone or not feel alone.

It reminds me of a movie I watched called ‘New Moon’ when Bella misses Edward. He suddenly removes himself from her life and she is desperate for him. Absolutely lost and desolate without his presence. But she finds out when she is in danger or testing her human limits that he appears to her and she goes out seeking similar so she can see him again.

Once before in my life I relied on religion and it was everything. Form, rules, obedience and routine to ritually act out what the bible says and what others who believed were doing too, what I believed Christianity was and what was expected of me. I would attend with my family and I was desperate when I had my own family for us to all be in the building together but my than husband was not as passionate the same as me and more often than not was not with me and it felt empty and I started to feel alone even in a crowd. We didn’t share it in life or religion the same.. Often I just went religiously with my children for a long long time desperate and hungry but you just say hello I am fine instead of tell it like it is. It was hard with 5 little children to do it without help and sometimes I was so busy with the children going in and out of the service for different needs I wasn’t gaining anything at all. I have attended a church since I was an infant in my parents arms up til maybe 4 years ago. Maybe its longer :/

The point in sharing this is. When I stopped going, when I lost that huge part of my life. My desire for God was still very much there I just wasn’t able to rely on those things anymore. I had to have GOD 24/7 not just sundays and with fanfare. I had to have HIM with me always and I knew HE was there because HE said HE was and I believed HIM. I just felt the trappings were distracting me and depressing me. Cause while I sat there all I could think of was all that I was missing and it sucked.
Due to traumas I have gone through I just couldn’t fit in a service with people’s backs to me. Unable to hear what was going on (deaf) and feeling so disconnected. It felt very fake and I couldn’t do it any longer. I was also failing miserably at keeping the show going. My performance level was zip. So much mental energy at keeping my family together that had now separated. And just found myself tossing out everything that drained me and kept only the most important things close to my heart. That was in every sense of the word. Physical, mental, people etc… If it harmed me, I lost interest, it went or eventually I weeded it out. Many people weeded themselves out lol without my help. 🙂 Perhaps it was God or it was just my way to cope. I don’t know.

Spiritually though my story feels like it was just been beginning. When you are not relying on one way anymore you adapt and do things differently. You flow into a new way, a different way and Gods Spirit became my comfort, joy, peace and strength. My everything. Art became so very important too like it was my hands on and my physical way to be a part of the process so that I wasn’t just sitting numbly I was flowing and active.

Creativity in expressing myself and how my spirit was moving and flowing. It became a main way to communicate though because a majority of people in the world do not see art/spirit the way I do I lost even more contact with people. I guess the more I slipped away from outwardly living the more important it became to me and the more people lost contact with me too. I don’t blame them for not getting me anymore. I just missed what I could have with them. What I wanted with them.. Deep soul. Getting each other and not just here and there but always having it. I don’t mean I needed to be in their faces or they in mine. But there are people you don’t see but when you do see them you just pick up again where you left off. You aren’t stressed in any way by time that has passed or anything one might call as lack. You just enjoy the here and now. Why on earth can’t I find those people???

On-line was easiest it still is. People who are heart people or spiritual people get me most. And strangely even with little contact you have depth and connectivity that is amazingly satisfying but it is a different realm. Many still do not recognize it but if you are aware or even start to be aware your eyes are opened to something pretty amazing.

I guess that is why today that weakness from no food is so powerful. Because I am diverting myself away from regular patterns and relying on being full with food and that physical energy. I am not eating and I am not thinking about food, not concentrating on my physical needs. I am tapping into my spirit/soul realm and despite the growling stomach and the need to get up and feed my body.. I am aware of a force within myself that is strong and fired up and its the me I am most in touch with and perhaps 95% do not know. God with me. In me. Helping me.. Me and HIM as one yet separate…
I mean honestly that is miraculous. It is so loud and clear to me that all is not lost. HE has not left me like so many humans have. HE is beautifully present and ridiculously crystal clear when I am not physically strong or not caught up in the ‘Do this.. Be that’… just wow.

I am better able to be aware of things normally that are quiet or even absent in myself. Like even as I am typing this my clarity of events and feelings are coming together in ways which are beyond anything I have realized before. I have read about how if you can keep on this path, push yourself out of comfort zones, push through doubts, blank pages, writers block, life block, gremlins of the art world/or one might call them demons or doubts about yourself even.. Just Being…
That tell you everything you are not and repeat to you all your failures and that paralyze you from growth and improvement and just enjoying life. You reach a place where you are literally tapping into sacred ground and into the highest power.. I suppose people might flinch and say ‘New Age’ which is a no no in Christian circles but only if you throw out the baby with the bath water. It is all God, Jesus, Holy Spirit to me yet in me. HE is the one I credit but this is the miracle that the kingdom of heaven is within. So I get to be the container of the most spiritual proportions in my own unique quality. 100% me flavored lol. The fragile vessel that HE says shows HIM up best. That there I like.. I like very very much.

You wanna see GOD. Just look inside me. ❤

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Seated

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I’ve missed doing these.. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do art ‘well enough’.. so I just stop expressing myself even though I enjoy it and when I’m not doing it I’m really stagnant.. But collage on an art journal page can so easily be a place to express one’s heart & share how one feels and is easily shared with the world.. This art journal page is inspired by a recent devotional.. 

I don’t need to be afraid of my place in this world.. my rightful place is where I am, as I am.. For the kingdom of heaven is within. HE has made me to sit in the heavenly places because of what Christ Jesus has done.. so I can be at peace & enjoy doing what I love and am moved to share from this place without guilt or any fear!!! Based on Eph 2:4-6 

But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ… and hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus 

Ephesians 2:4-6

Our current circumstances don’t mean that our spirit isn’t active & divine forces aren’t at work.. In fact it is just the opposite.. Be still & know I AM God!! 

We can trust in HIM for HIS Spirit is at work because HE’s already made us to sit together in heavenly places.. To sit doesn’t emphasise needing to franticly work and be anxious does it!! It says something quite different.. We can trust God with the ‘right now’ because HIS Spirit is working in us and HE has no beginning and no end, ’tis greater than any evil and trial we face and will use all things for good.. Spirit is forever while circumstances are are temporary and can change.. 

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