Category Archives: Vision

Shadow Self

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What keeps me going is what the world calls coincidence but I call GOD moments.

Today an extremely personal art piece because of one of these so called GOD moments. Perhaps the most personal piece I have ever done. I want to be completely free and I’m always moving towards that.

Free in every way possible and being honest, brutally honest seems to be the only way to be free and to rise above things that keep me bound or make me believe I am bound.

This link is to a free offering called.. Into the Shadow part 1. Where you can find information on the why.. It is a free course offered this month of April 2018 by Tracy Algar. I am in a face book group she runs and this course is being shared there.

It’s where I found myself earlier today simply having a look at the art others had posted and found it encouraging. I then decided to grab some magazines here at home and do some collage art unrelated but inspired by what I had been looking at.

So as I began looking for things to cut out I randomly found an article on the very same thing I had just been reading in her course!!!! Coincidence or what!?! Call it what you will. But I take these things as neon arrows that this has relevance for me.

I decided to have a go at my own ‘Shadow’ piece but chose instead oil pastels to create it.

Often I am feeling a plethora of feelings but not always knowing how to articulate them or even what direction to go for in prayer to God to help me with it. Art is a way to sort through and express my heart at the deepest level.

When I look at this piece below what am I thinking? I feel much more honest than I’ve ever been before. I seem to focus on faces more than any other thing and have for awhile now. Obviously being a deaf person my eyesight is a major thing and I need to be close to others to understand them. Faces to me are about intimacy and particularly so being a loner of sorts, a single parent and often am on my own now that the children are growing up. My art seems to be focused more often than not on a solitary figure because that’s where I’m at.

Face to face thing is imperative. I need to be in anyone’s face to communicate in any way but also I think I am frustrated and angry that it’s hard to communicate and such a struggle all the time to find a willing face to communicate with at the same level.. Face to face communication is actually rare for me these days so there is more of an urgency to be in your face if that makes sense.

My heart another huge factor in my life. If its not a heart thing I am not really interested in it or lose interest in it quickly. I am drawn very much to truth and people who speak from the heart no matter how different they might be from me.

Emotions are precious and beautiful to me and I am a ‘feelings’ person so my art is going to reflect that. But I do feel more a loner for it too because most people I am associated with do not share intimately or like I do so I feel alone because I need too and everyone else around me does not. So I do tend to hold it in when I’m with anyone which is not good for me or I freak someone out when it seems to pours out without end in sight..

With few to share it with or who I feel wish to be hear it and not many around that are likewise yeah I get stuck with it and it can keep me blocked or it’s simply easier to dwell in my own little world to cope with it..

But also unfortunately my heart has been damaged by life, feeling isolated.. by people who don’t try to get me but also I consider it to be mostly damaged by being my vulnerable self in a way that is an absolutely necessity for me and yet for the most part is speaking to thin air and that feels plain weird.. I am acutely aware of this void around me.. It is my hardest battle and it IS NOT FOR ATTENTION I talk about it but I consider it necessary for SURVIVAL. I have had to fight for a place like a little bird squawks loudly if it wants to thrive. Only my squawking is done with my art now lol and there are days I don’t do it.

Being quiet and in any way half hearted or not true to myself I feel crippled and that has severed me from even myself and keeps me from wanting to be in the company of most anyone. I truly do not see any real reason to exert myself in the world or with anyone if I can’t relate or be relative to anyone else. Art just for myself no thank you. Please don’t suggest that cause it’s strange just like talking to oneself all the time is strange. I can’t communicate with another person like you can. If you don’t get that you never will get me.

I disconnect from the world to survive this and I find my own way through. It’s why I write so much here.. pour myself into it for hours.. It’s probably a couple of months worth of conversations you’ve enjoyed every day but I’ve missed out on..

The severed head is really a savage way to speak my rawest truth that I’ve felt decapitated by feeling unless I do it your way I’m wrong.. Suffering disconnection when others around me have not realised I need them to value me and accept me as I am how I am. That being who I am is not an evil thing. The evil thing is not facing the world in a way where I’m free to be me.

My emotions are who I am. I cannot survive if I do not express them. Yes I realise even doing this that I need to stop shrinking because of what people think or how they function. But I should hardly apologise for needing people. I just need them differently to you..

We all.. human and creature need each other but we all have different ways to need each other. I need to speak honestly and I also need to know I’m seen & heard sometimes even if I’m not understood. I realise though that I have to stop feeling wrong for doing so period.

It’s a very dark world if I am expected to live without sharing from my heart. I did not draw in my ears because I can’t hear and I do not focus on what I cannot do.

My eyes are actually closed in this for that is how I appear to the world who will not see my heart and that can be people who should know me better but don’t go beyond the surface. I will look different to them. But they will not be focusing on the truth of me at all.

My reality is that my eyes are wide open and I have nothing to hide. I thought of the scripture the eyes are the window to the soul and it may not be very clear in this art but the whites in my art first started as flesh than I coloured them with yellow. The whites of my eyes are now yellow in this piece. I feel people think I am ill instead of seeing me as a living, feeling, breathing spiritual person. But I am actually lit from within because of HIM and Spirit is where I live majorly from (where HE is). I believe that if majority see only my flesh they miss out on me almost completely so to them I’m disconnected or broken.

Yes I need to see myself differently. I will say that even though my heart has been broken it will never extinguish my Spirit thankfully so I have surrounded my heart with yellow to symbolise that.

My cheek shows a rosy colour! Pink is my emotions. My mouth is upturned to more a smile than frown. My eyes are open. My tears help me release emotions don’t ever be afraid of them. I’m looking straight ahead. I am focused. I live from my heart and spirit. My brokenness does not stop me. HE is with me. HE is life, hope, health & strength in my weakness.

It is with complete fearlessness that I share my most vulnerable self with you. People around me have failed me as I know that I have failed others when I am only a shadow of myself. I will remain hidden to anyone who does not see my heart because that is my truest self.

I am not begging or hiding here or ashamed. It is with boldness and vulnerability I reveal my shadow self and raw naked soul with it. Spirit is my realm and where my Spirit is.

I am.

Any arguments. HE created me take it up with HIM.. 😊❤️🕊

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Pride Verses Shame.

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This one surprised me.

I have made it my focus not to be ‘religious’ cause that has been a great stumbling block to me. I want freedom of spirit more than anything else.

40+ years of being a certain way, being like everyone else; until you do different: you have no idea how much in a box you are.

So when things come out of me of their own free will when I have thrown off the restraints and what has been my past.. what I write speaks to me too.

WRITING PROMPT Write a two column list. On the left, write 5-10 regrets. On the right, write 5-10 things you’re proud of accomplishing. Take note of the similarities in all of your regrets, all of the differences in your accomplishments. Write about why we are more diverse in our pride than we are in our shame.

 
1. Regret that I have not written every day.
2. Regret that I get afraid to write the truth.
3. Regret that I let others opinions shut me down.
4. Regret that I cannot always see that this is my calling.
5. Regret that I cannot always see that I am enough no matter how others have treated me.
6. I regret I bought into the lie my rising up puts others down.
7. I regret I bought into the lie that life isn’t about me. It is about me and everyone else too. 🙂
8. I regret thinking for one moment I can’t make a difference.

 
1. I am proud that I persist and have not given up.
2. I am proud that I have not stopped shining my light..
3. I am proud that I can express myself uniquely and say it fearlessly.
4. I am proud that I can be fully myself without fear.
5. I am proud that my failures do not define me.
6. I am proud GOD is with me and loves me and stands with me always and that He has given me freedom!!
7. I am proud that I have a voice and I have something to say and I keep saying it.
8. I am proud that my rising up gives others inspiration that they can too!

 
We are diverse in our pride because it’s who we are created to be!! We are formed from HIS perfect image.. Creator of our big beautiful planet also created us.. With all its different and exotic lands but yet similarities in the very cells that make up our  DNA the very fabric of life itself. We each one are highly prized and important and so precious many just have not known it.

Our differences and our unique talents make life interesting and exquisite.. In the way we say things and in the way we do things. Who wants to be the same!! The beauty is in being different! We can all hold our heads up because we are created individually and we all compliment one another. Humanity has believed the lie we all have faults though (see it in the way we treat ourselves, our fellow man, planet and creatures) and yet to know the fullest truth that the spirit within us all unites us and brings freedom to become our fullest selves.. That anything we fail at right now will not ultimately keep us down. We can accept each other because we know all of us are free and equal in worth. Free to embrace each other without fear. We need to emphasize the strengths and not focus on anything else because the time is coming when all of us will know the truth and our world as we know it will be righted. All people and creatures will be appreciated and all seen and known as precious. I am thankful as a believer in Jesus Christ that I know the truth and one day we will all experience heaven on earth. This knowledge will always be a basis in everything I write about and why I enjoy expressing spirit and creatively the way I do and how I hold out hope when things do not appear to be good or make sense or when I am imprisoned by disability of flesh. ❤

 

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Moon Journalling

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I have stuffed up putting together this moon journal in every possible way that you could. Yet God is speaking so clearly to me. Beautiful red/white twine hold it together much like Gods pure love and Jesus blood and HIS spirit are central to all of creation..
No matter how much we stuff up this earth, our lives etc.. There is a force unseen that rules over all. HE will not fail to bring HIS plan together. Riveting and draws you completely in when your own ever failing and complete humanity bows to HIM and HE opens your spiritual eyes and everything fits. Spirit is everywhere, unrestricted, and forever..

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HE is with me that I know

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Need to blog today..

Talk about why I think everything has gone the way it has and what the amazing result of it has been.

Like a honing in of myself to the worlds greatest source that ever has been and will ever be.

I have learned to not rely on external circumstances.
I have learned not to rely on relationships.
I have learned not to rely on what I can see, hear, touch and taste.
I have learned not to rely on the church.
I have learned not to rely on answered prayers that I know about.

Christ with me has been enough.
I don’t always sense Him probably rarely physically in any way.
But when I learn from HIM knowing HE is everywhere I see HIM more and more.
Just stubborn trust sometimes.
Sure HE uses all above but I have not been able to rely on them yet when I rely on HIM HE uses anything and everything.

It has all caused me to look to HIM alone. To believe when I don’t feel.
To seek when others aren’t available.

Truly a beautiful thing.

Its like your blind but can see.
Its like your deaf but can hear.
SPIRIT is timeless, present always and the greater reality.

It truly is another world yet I still walk in this one.

I have joy when nothing has changed around me. Its inner.
Not dependant on outer.

HE is with me that I know… I see signs now more and more and more…

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A Glimpse

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There is simply not anything in the earthly language that could possibly explain the richness and beauty of what I am experiencing right now.. a forward vision of what is to come… Of an exquisitely set table that looks like it never ends.. Jesus Christ is standing in my view… His eyes pierce my soul.. but not a word has passed between us and yet He know the victory of this moment and our eyes meet and lock onto each other.. Across from me sits the very one I gave up half my human life for..
Looking very different to the human who once walked the earth for here they are pure and whole.
In an earthly split second as Jesus eye pierces my soul my whole life flashes before my eyes in particular the journey I went through with this same person.. The joys and sorrows. The beginning to the end of every earthly moment we shared. The moments I lay prostrate on the floor my face buried in the carpet with tears and snot mingled with the fibres… Crying and praying for this very one. Jesus smiles and so do I.. The swell within my chest is akin to a stadium going off at the end of a grand final the kind that keeps the crowd sweating and groaning and fidgeting on their seats..
I know now that every tear.. every prayer.. every pain… every ache and every sigh.. was worth it for this moment.. the joy etched on the face of my loved one and the smiling faces of every member of our blood family celebrating side by side. Knowing we all have eternity to share. That all that has gone past is nothing compared to the joy exceeding of living forever together with The Lord and all His children.
If I was to turn away and I believe for a long time I would have wanted too. I would see the Devil fuming, jumping up and down and cursing.. He lost, his every arrow sent to destroy us only broke me and poured forth holy oil that flowed over and drenched the lot of us.. I look away to my right and left.. seeing relatives down through the ages for as long as time existed stretching as far as the eye can see.. And again my chest swells with thankfulness and joy bubbles out.. Together many many souls have prayed and believed and trusted God for us too.. What an honour has been given the children of men to be His light where once darkness reigned.
Glory to God in the Highest… Peace on earth and goodwill to ALL men, women and children who still walk the earth, being born and dying till the age of man finishes..

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