Category Archives: Faith

Beautiful Soul Spilling Freedom

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It is like coming full cycle. When you create a piece of art and literally see it healing you as you create it.
Right place. Right time. Neither looking up or down. Neither being afraid of emotions or controlled by them or shut down because you cannot express them or nobody sees them. They are running unchecked, oh so free and it is the most beautiful thing in my world up till this moment.

Those tears do not symbolize sadness oh no but I have cried rivers so they are my truth. Part of my story.

They represent the healing art expression is to me. Art has given me my voice back. My power back. I have come to a place where I can be fully myself and it is a huge contentment plus.

I am not in need of anything or anyone. I love that for a deaf person I am mostly expressing the eyes and face atm and in this art piece the head/face is where it is at. Which speaks of intimacy and eyes represent windows to my soul which when expressing my emotions has kept me alive.. Art expression is powerful when I am feeling invisible, rejected, shame, powerless and I am alone & unsupported hurting more than anyone could ever know.

Which strangles the life in me when it is all shut up inside and I cannot communicate. I notice though I am not having to look straight ahead for anyone’s validation here. I am looking to what I have within me and expressing that right where I am as I am. I see incredible strength in my art today. I see bravery and I’m proud of myself that because I trusted in Gods Spirit & His Kingdom within.. I never gave up and I found a way through the madness.

I am looking to my art brush, to Holy Spirit.. to do what humanly has been impossible for me to do in my own power.

I have so enjoyed this 61 days of creating an index card daily.
Link here to what this challenge is all about. HERE..

I am on day 38 I think. I maybe a little behind the rest. But you know I took my time with this. If you only knew me personally you would know I am not a ‘take my time person’ with anything. And I mean that with sincerity. Not because I am a lay-back relaxed soul. But I do things as easily and quickly as I can. Can’t be bothered cooking or taking the time to prepare meals. The easier the better. I do not spend countless hours house cleaning or applying make up, maintaining my nails and doing my hair eek.. That is quite something for a woman to say these things.

But this art today. I took my time and it felt really good. Using my art supplies is good. It is just good all round. Because I was not being distracted but putting my heart and soul into it. I just do not always care for things as I could they have felt meaningless. A long time ago when I was struggling harder with life. I just dropped so many things to survive and which sucked energy that I needed to concentrate to staying head above water.

As time went on. I didn’t really get my heart back to much of what I dropped.. Some here and there. It is why I faded from so many radars.

So it pleases me that I can see my heart beating with meaning again. I have not blogged in ages either. But today I wanted to say more about ALL that is going on in myself which for the most part stays with me and ohh yes one online friend lol who gets a lot of it shared with them.

Art expression truly has helped me release the need to explain myself. And I have just kept up practicing drawing and painting and improving myself. I had no direction for so long oh dear. So very very long. So to see myself creating daily is cleansing to my soul and immensely purposeful.

I concentrate on what is within me to come out through my art rather than long lengthy explanations which I cannot be bothered with anyway. I mean the people around me have dwindled away in droves so I have had lots of time to hone my skills lol not that I always do. But God opened up a way for me to bring the inward out. I have mostly been alone in it. But you have to be don’t you. I can’t really concentrate on hearing as I am creating being deaf. I cannot listen to music even or have the tv on. Because I cannot catch enough of the programe by snippets of here and there. This is something hearing people take for granted. You can turn your head away and still hear. I have to be literally concentrating 100% and reading text or subtitles or your lips and I still miss so much. So its nice to just not have to try for hours while I create. Actually I lose all senses to the outside world. I think only about what I am creating.. so much peace in this..
So instead I hone in on what I am creating.. Full attention you know. These little index cards are simple and there is no end to what you could create with them. I enjoy following the tags on Instagram to see others interpretations of daily prompts. Day 38’s was palette.

I have challenged myself with the prompts but also I just so love that my spirit can so easily these days just hear a prompt and off my mind goes to bring forth different ideas in all directions. I have had more people noticing my art in this challenge then ever before. I can see the value of daily art and also what concentrated effort and joy brings forth. Immense joy to do these. Obviously the ones I pour more time into I find the most joy from.

People stopping to notice on social media and family members saying things to me when they see me. Wow!!!

I just want my art to be my heart blazing outwardly and being seen and my peace and faith and joy to be evident.. Yes even when the emotions are falling thick and fast I am not afraid anymore.. For so long I have lived a very tiny part of what’s inside of me on the outside but now the dam has broken and I am releasing what I think is my most soulful art to date.

Thank YOU Thank YOU LORD for art expression and how motivated I am in art these days I know I have had oh dear maybe years of sitting and shutting down and instead of flow reduced to dripping tap which mostly only annoys people.

I am also going to add a poem I woke up in middle of the night a few days ago to write. But I have had to change the ending today. Because putting my heart out into the world is not all that I need. I need connection too.. Connection has been my word of 2018. There is nothing like feedback, support, a word or more from people around you to give your artist heart even stronger wings then ever before. It can only get better from here…

Connection.

I write.

I create.

I live.

I feel.

To cope.

To exist.

To enjoy.

To rise. .

To be present.

To be seen.

To be heard.

To show my heart.

To bridge the gap.

Between you and me.

So instead of nothing.

There is something.

What I need.

What helps.

What comforts.

Is to know.

I am out in the world.

I am available.

It is enough.

But also it isn’t.

Not when I’m alone.

I look for you.

I wait for you.

I miss you.

I don’t want to be alone.

I need you.

I want to acknowledge your heart.

But I can’t communicate with you.

Will you meet me?

Where I can understand you too.

Please!!!!

See my art.

It is where our hearts can meet as one.

Bridge the gap.

Connection… 

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Psalm 126:5

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!

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Power Of Seeing Hope.

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I have been putting off posting my latest art. But till I attend to it I can not move forward. It sits beckoning for me to share it, to talk about it before I do anything else art wise.

To be completely honest it doesn’t feel good enough to express all that I feel led to share so why bother and so I feel kind of down and stuck because I wish I were better at expressing myself to the world. But it is what I did, I enjoyed doing it and this is where I have to trust God in my feeling inadequate. I have to see hope that there is a reason for everything and that it can be for more then just me.. Not be afraid.. Go forward with my message regardless to what I am feeling now and was at the time that there is a greater reason.. So I will just be brave and share what is on my heart as it is.

I did this art piece after watching a newly added Netflix documentary about a prison in Western Australia.
“Lockdown Oz: Maximum Security.”
It moved me so much that I used some new water color pencils to try to symbolize my feelings.

The stories of many souls that had lost their way moved me deeply. Incarcerated in a prison that has a bad reputation in our country but the people that work there really do so in such a way to give prisoners a fair chance at making something of themselves with the hope to never have to return once their sentence is over. They are given opportunities with good behavior to better themselves, start a new career and find something positive to do once they are released.

Obviously if you do the crime you do the time. But still the stories, the bleakness of living in captivity amongst so many other criminals and many are hardened by difficult back grounds and not to mention the darkness of many who have known not much else then a life of crime and wrong choices. It’s sad even though the prison is built with extensive gardens and lovely grounds, being an open campus facility.

Incredibly wardens are not carrying weapons, they have a different system in place to try to combat crime by not arming those who guard the prisoners. You do forget as you watch that there are many very dangerous people living in this place because their seems so much more openness and trust then you think would be possible.

One female warden shared about a very traumatic experience in the past when a large part of the prison became a battle ground. Prison officers lost control of their prisoners in an uprise where a mass of prisoners just went berserk and took over. So much anger and pent up feelings were let lose and her life as an officer had been in great danger and jeopardy at the time. Prisoners ripped bricks out of walls and used them as missiles and ran in gangs trapping guards. It would have been incredibly scary. She survived to tell us her story..

I was amazed she didn’t give up the job altogether after coming through that riot.

The beautiful colors in the sky I couldn’t help drawing were featured towards the end of the documentary just after this same lady was speaking about all the worst of her experience.. And it seemed such tranquility and a complete opposite to the horror of what had just been shared. The air was filled with a healing presence.

I was so impressed I hit pause and took a photo with my phone.

Absolutely brilliant sunset much too beautiful for me to capture but striking enough that I wanted to try to do an art piece on it.

All the ugliness, fear, anger, depression, blood being shed, sins of the inhabitants that trapped them in this life and unfortunately drove many into such a frenzy that after this fore said riot there were lock downs in place for somewhere like 12 months afterwords.

That same female warden said this about it..

“You’d go mad. You have to virtually switch off from that. No one on the outside, unless they’ve been in here, could understand. And even when a visitor comes in and they walk around our grounds and they’re beautiful. They’ve got flowers and green grass and shady trees, and the birds are nesting. And its just paradise out there… until someone pulls out a knife and starts cutting someone’s head off, which has happened.”

Then this incredible West Australian sunset flashed on the screen and that is the picture I drew and colored as brightly as I could but yes my talent nowhere close or could match near the natural colors of Gods masterpiece creation..

The deaf captions were reading.. same time ( birds chirping) when I took the pic so it seemed very peaceful not just a pretty sky.

All that chaos shared beforehand seemed to immediately pale in comparison as these colors mesmerized with such a stunning natural display that stretched like a healing blanket out over this place and it changed the whole atmosphere and direction of the documentary.

The bible says flesh is weak I know mine is. I heard story after story of people’s struggle within Casuarina Prison and some souls will not with-last their bodies ability to conquer that flesh in this life time. They said some will get out and not long after be straight back in prison.

I paced the house praying for those whose stories I watched and of course many are within prison and never get to tell their stories and yes many very violent people no one would wish could ever walk the streets again and their stories make you shudder and it is frightening to hear.

It does seem so hopeless but then I see this exquisite sunset and even if I showed the screen shot of it on my phone it would be far better in real life.

How it comes and goes so quickly, the size and expanse of it as it floods the coming night time sky. The brilliance and beauty and how it comes despite us. So far reaching.

The bible says where the flesh is weak the spirit is strong. Spirit is more powerful than flesh. Spirit lives on forever even when the body dies. I see the prison and bars and barb wire and it symbolizes everything that is semi-permanent but is ugly and difficult in our lives. It might loom menacing and never ending for now but it will pass away. End one day. Seasons come and go and even if things in this life don’t ever become what we hoped. Every human story has a beginning and end. But God has promised us there is eternity. A forever after. Forgiveness. Hope. HIS love stronger than any evil and Jesus has already made a way for all of us despite evil.

Love that wins all at the end of time.

When I see the colors that stretched across the sky over the prison. I saw hope for anyone caught up in something that traps their body and taints their human body and soul. I see that HE is with us even in the hardest places. HE is greater then evil. That is what I see. Hope.

It is my desire that no matter who feels trapped in their life or circumstances that they get a revelation that no matter where they are, how they are, GOD is with them, loves them and there is always hope. HE is greater and HE is with us. Power in our weakness.

JESUS is the light of the world. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

The Kingdom of heaven is within you.. Luke 17:21

What does my inner child need to know.

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“Loneliness does not come from having no people around, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.” Carl Jung

Something a face book friend Avalon Indigo Moonsong posted yesterday on her face book got me headed in the direction of attending my inner child.

She posted… “Many of us are traumatized children who still desperately want to be seen and heard — forcefully living in the bodies of adulthood.” by Feliciana Cacciapuoti-Mathew .. along with more thoughts which I also very much liked!

I have already shared here on my blog previously two parts of a series I’ve taken part in called “Into the Shadow” by Tracy Algar so the post from Avalon really reminded me of part three which I had still yet to do and it just seemed so right to think about it. Part 3 called ‘Inner child’ fits exactly. So I did an art piece (see below) based on what my inner child needs to know. Link to part 3 which will open another page to the site. Here.

The main image in my art is traced from a photo on the Internet via an ipad ap “Art Rage”. I was looking for a photo of an adult looking into a child’s face/eyes at the child’s eye level showing a real intimate connection between the two. This image seemed just right and resonated with me. I just traced it on my ipad and then printed my drawing. Colored it in with oil pastels using normal computer paper and then used ink spray and a dauber with black ink along with some acrylic paint through stencils for the background.

I want this art to express my thoughts on why the quotes and also on what Tracy has shared on her website resonate with me.  Plus also what it represents to me currently in my life.

I wanted the image to show my inner child face to face with anyone who values me and my need to feel and express my emotions and share my truth and passions as I am.  I have often craved strong encouragement to keep going in my life simply because I feel so vulnerable and weird to keep sharing and expressing myself as I do and I have felt so alone in this journey because few around me have been the same or recognized this heart cry in me.  So I have always tended to stick to myself and go inwardly instead ( except when I am sharing) and I’ve created worlds where I could be as fully me as possible. Many times I’m alone in even these worlds. Or I just shut down in a way and I guess my inner child feels neglected and why bother.

I have not always felt understood, accepted or valued as I am either in childhood or adulthood and I have often felt extreme loneliness.. Explained well by the very first quote I shared here in this post. I found that quote at the beginning of part three of “Into the Shadow”.

I am reminded at this point of the scripture “Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands.” 2 Timothy 1:6 I know that might seem like a weird verse to think of at this time. But the stirring up by another’s hands seems similar to what my inner child needs..

And that is that this endless tiredness of soul because I am putting my heart out in the world unseen which leads me to always be searching and desiring and longing for attention and nurturing and when I seem not to be its hard to keep doing it the same

I see that this need to be valued does actually have a reason behind it. That I am actually much less a person because of this lonely struggle and of course I am not going to feel oh goody lets go do it some more…

To be reminded that although I am a unique person in doing this I am not weird or need feel so awkward..  I can feel brave and precious and that it is OK to be supported to bring forth my fullness of inner being as well as blossom in my adult outer being too.

I need encouragement. We all do. But we each also need to know that we are loved and important as we are and how we are.

Therefore I see that when I struggle to be affirmed by another person it’s not cause I am weak or selfish or it’s a bad thing to be different to others and even the bible agrees that I need it.. We all do.. 🙂 ❤

Therefore I must not lose heart but awaken to the fact that I can be the one to stir it up in myself and recognize the importance of what I do and why I do it.  I can focus on what brings me alive and stir up my art expression to empower my inner child.. My creative spirit.

Confession. It has taken hours and hours to write this and as I am writing my whole thought pattern and flow has changed. I am seeing myself more clearly through my whole life and how I have been and why. I usually work at putting my blog out on the same day. But this time I told myself it is ok to go to bed and sleep on it. That this was an important exercise. That it is OK to be a work in progress and take my time with it. I was being helped even as I left it to work on it more today. Less of a desperation to get it out of the inside of me. 

So I am seeing through this exercise that this adult figure in my art expression is a representation of any person who will meet me where I need to be met.. Anyone who is moved to meet me on a level where I am at. Even if that is via my adult self encouraging what is needed for my inner child to thrive. I do not need to wait for others!

That there is a life changing epiphany.

Soul expression is never selfish but vital to my daily life and daily life force so I should nuture it and treasure it at all costs.

My Inner child therefore seems to represent my creative Spirit and that’s why it is so crucial to my whole being to pay attention to my inner child. Maybe my inner child has always needed art expression and that’s why I have become such a loner because I did not realize what I so desperately needed.

My inner child needs to know it is OK to be myself. That is OK to live expressively and share it. That through sharing my emotions I feel accepted on the level where I currently am. Eye to eye or face to face is so vitally important to a deaf person too who has lost the ability to use one of their five major senses but it does not have to be through only speaking and listening and it does not need to be physical. I can be met in a way whenever I and another person touch souls through my art or words or in a working and understanding relationship. For me especially through online friends have I found this to be a vital link to not feeling alone.

How important it is to be able to communicate where I feel heard and seen. That I am worthy of someone adjusting themselves to my height or mindset or wavelength by reading or viewing or acknowledging me where I am at..

How often have I been depressed because I cannot communicate with others like they can at the same level they are and even feel expected to function as they do. I do not have to try to communicate like you. It is OK to communicate in my own way that works for me.

Yes I do communicate differently and I do so love deep heart sharing. I am built to express myself for I am an emotional soul but I prefer one on one or even prefer on-line where I communicate easily as it is much more personal to me.

Connection happens for me whenever someone pays attention to what I say on social media, sends texts because I cannot use a normal phone or just cares for me in a way where I am free to do the same back. My inner child needs to know that others share my world and want too just as I share their world and want too. That my heart/art expression is valued. Not that it has to be praised for being good.. no no…  just that I be acknowledged for its how I speak, move and it is my presence and way to live in this world.

If nobody says what I need to hear or communicates in a way that I can understand. I can and should say it to myself. ❤ ❤

It is OK to be me. It is OK to live by my Spirit. It is OK to communicate in ways that I love and that work for me. I am enough as I am. It is OK to love sharing my faith and art via my spirit, express myself through art and my own words on my blog and via social media or any way that I do. It is OK to enjoy the way I want to do it and how I do it.

I am OK.. 🙂

Crowd of Witnesses

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I woke up early this morning with a headache and I think even half asleep I am so used to just starting to commune with God in prayer in my mind for healing. I find myself rebuking sickness even half asleep. I think also a bit of pain now and again God uses to get my mind on HIM and this was one of those times. He had a message to share with me. As I am praying I am waking up. Having a drink of water. Toilet stop. Talking to God about things that have been on my mind the previous day gone. Heck my mind can go all over. :/ I am sure others understand this. Unfortunately at times it can be rather annoying because it means I wake up too much and its not so easy to go back to sleep. In this instance I am glad I woke up more than I needed..

Not all my thoughts tend to be happy though. At times there can be rather an onslaught of reminders of ALL the ways I have failed since childhood. Groan groan groan. I wish I could write exactly how my thoughts led to this art piece today and why as soon as my youngest had been taken to school and I was home again I got to creating it straight away. I do not actually know the lead up. I do know that as I sat on the toilet with my phone lol. Yes I do that. I started to type in the words and thoughts that were coming up in my notes ap so later when I got back to sleep I could remember them.

Quite often I can have the most amazing dreams but wake up and quickly forget them 😦

The words I wrote down were ‘Crowd of Witnesses’ ‘Support’ ‘Comforting’ Helps’ Not alone’

I have personally often felt alone in my sharing. There are a few faithful yes. But the majority of what I create, share and express I have felt generally alone with it. So often I read just how important support is to an artist, athlete, person etc when they are working on a goal or career or life purpose. Crowds cheer on their football team or line the marathon course to encourage the athletes, fans buy the paintings of an artist & faithfully attend the concerts of their favorite music bands. Family attends recitals, practice sessions etc etc.. it goes on..

It seems imperative to me just how important it is for anyone who wants to go places in life that they feel supported and cheered on. A reoccurring suggestion often put to me seems to be that my art should be mostly for myself or even just for God and me. Rather then looking for outward recognition and being disappointed by lack of interest .

Now if anyone really knows me I tend to stand back. I tend to stay hidden and do not excerpt myself. I am not known for outward confidence at all.

So putting my art/heart out into the world has been quite a huge step out of my comfort zone personally yet those around me do not seem to recognize this the same which can drive me batty. YET even still I do not do it for feed back or even to be seen. I do it cause I cannot communicate like everyone else being deaf. It is how I express myself plus since I was young sharing with my whole heart has just been my thing AND I love it.

An Artist has to be bold even if they are not doing it to make money. Because its only natural to share art with anyone else. How many little children’s art work come home from school, kindergarten, child care etc and are proudly displayed where everyone can see it. What on earth happens though as we grow up?

I do not know why people think art or art expression in whatever form it takes has to be only for the person who created it. I think it is natural to share it but for some reason many equate that with some kind of ‘look at me persona’..?!?

Anyway lol I might have deviated off track with some of that but I still very much feel I have to explain myself and why I do what I do. This sense in my mind early this morning of a ‘crowd of witnesses’ around me actually brought a wave of sweetest comfort to my soul. I do not know at this point whether I still had the headache or not. Pain tends to be forgotten when you receive spiritual epiphanies.

But I felt very motivated to try to capture that sense in some way artistically and felt a little excited that I had a way forward for the coming day. Oh how many days I have sitting without any motivation.. EXACT reason I’m fuelled by doing this.. the realisation that this surge of motivation is from GOD.. I truly believe HE wants me to do this!!! ❤😍🕊🌈

I am loving oil pastels atm so that is the tool of choice to do this with.

Lol they are supposed to be buildings.. like houses.. but they look more like tombstones :/ perhaps they symbolize buried dreams, dead ends, end of living my life the way everyone else does or the way everyone else thinks I should? End of relationships? Who knows..

They do speak to me of the coldness of the world/people I often experience.. the darkness of being alone and isolated and rejected.

Feeling unsupported in what makes my heart come alive and feel passionate with purpose. I have also found religion cold, comfortless, not easily able to relate to it anymore.. not really fitting in with the aliveness of my spirit. Boxed in..

The figures around me are not ghosts lol but rather the crowd of witnesses Gods Spirit was encouraging me with this morning. Spirit is not like a human voice. It is rather a knowing in you. Deeper than worded prayer yet appears in some ways like knowing ideas that I could never have thought about in my head, yes scriptures made alive with words or images.. that fit with my life and situation.. like a praying in the spirit if you use a heavenly language of tongues.

I think sometimes my spiritual language is like intuition. Art helps me access it. Colours and images and symbols too.

Moon represents my current life..

I actually saw the moon while walking my dog yesterday. Full moon last night.

Night times especially late at night and middle of night I pray best .. Sometimes with tears rolling down my cheeks. I know GOD better in darkness and from being alone both physically and isolation from deafness and social dysfunction. Introversion has its perks though. I have more time to dedicate to art and expressing myself. I got invited to a craft group just the other day. But my heart was not in that. Some of this life I have chosen, most not.

But I do know that I have time to fully concentrate on what I love to do. The downfall I guess is that when I need people or the way I need people my spirit living has some wave length problems to reach others hearts but I really have to trust God with that because there are some heart connections I’ve made that are stronger than any face to face or blood relationships. Most live by the world around them and face to face.

Thankfully the crowd of witnesses around me depicted in my art mean that I am not alone no matter how it feels!! Encouraging. I believe once people die they are spiritually alive but somewhere else. I do believe they are around us or watching. They are purified and aren’t physically limited anymore and with that I believe come the spiritual knowledge that perhaps I am living with some of that too but yet I am still in my flesh body on earth?

They know our hearts unlike people in the flesh around us may not know or appear to know and understand us. I tried to express that closeness and support of the wittnesses by adding some pink to every witness depicted in my art piece around the central figure that represents me.

It is a spiritual thing obviously and although GODs word encourages us to live by faith and not by sight.. The spiritual living I have since discovered when I shifted from physical worship to spiritual worship in truth is very very different like day to night or night to day .

I am encouraged and inspired to draw from their strength. Encouraged by their presence. I do not have to rely on human connections that have for so long not seen or known or connected with me in ways I needed or desire.

God is helping me keep up the good work I have been fitted to do. And I am not hiding my light under a bushel.. or whatever the modern word is for that. Basket? Cover? Under wraps? Definitely not hiding socially just expressing myself through another medium!!

We are supposed to let our lights so shine. My light just so happens to be my simplistic/symbolic art and many words 😁.

Shared via social media in the here and now.🕊

Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..

 

What do I need to feel safe to come back?

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Following on from the last post I made here.

This writing and art piece are my work inspired by “Into the Shadows”  part two I will link to it.

Here.

Going to work at trying to say less here lol. Didn’t work 😆

Inspired by a scripture John 14:23 and the latter half mostly.  We will come to him and make our abode in him.. Obviously referring to me as ‘her’ not him.. I am a believer in God. But I kind of ditched everything I once knew to focus mainly on the SPIRIT because of all the difficulties I have gone through with life and also losing my ability to hear like everyone else.

Holy SPIRIT is my counsellor. Heart thing. From where I live from. Kingdom of heaven within reality. To get more of a sense of what I mean you’d probably have to go back and read more of my writing.

For me in this art piece. Having focused on my Shadow Self as I read what was asked of those following.

I immediately (without having even putting oil pastel to paper) knew this expression is what I wanted to express! I love, love, love the oil pastel kind of represents the HOLY SPIRIT too. In the bible there are many references to SPIRIT as oil!! That thought just came to me as I was writing and it is not why I have purposely chosen oil pastels.. When you are led by your Spirit it is absolutely incredible how all things work together and you just flow and know.

Here are my thoughts.

Naked flesh. I want to be vulnerable and transparent. Dark and grey background. Difficulties I face in the world. Many grey areas in our world even the religious world. Things are not crystal clear. The fact being we have so many fractions of religion and belief systems and non belief systems. Issues can divide human kind so easily and they do. How many bible interpretations are there and different beliefs about it.

Neck. Communication. My story/voice has struggled to be brought forth and therefore be acknowledged.

Hard.. so hard to communicate and I am not like everyone else. I even struggle to be the same as the majority of deaf.

Blue sadness. Struggles. Frustrations. Broken relationships that cut me off from being myself and its hard to do relationships because of what I have lived through. Feeling of being strangled. Choked. Alone. Isolated. The way I have been treated by people who should know me and stick up for me who have turned away and made me feel like my life force isn’t valuable. I find it hard to breathe life and be all that I am and can be. The mistreatment is like hands to my neck strangling the life out of me.

Black crosses criss-cross my throat to express all this but I think looking at the rest of my art this is not dominating my life and I do not need or wish to focus on this part of my life rather just acknowledge it.

Heart surrounded by my emotions. My need to express myself is huge.. Shows how central and important my heart/emotions etc are to my life force. I do not focus outwardly much at all these days. That shows clearly here.

Broken heart still evident though isn’t it wonderful to know and realise GODs SPIRIT still meets us in broken imperfect human hearts!! And so beautifully desires to make a ‘Home’ in us.. within us.. WOW!!

What I need to come fully or more fully into the light is…

To keep my focus on what is occurring within.  That sweetest of meeting places where HIS strength combines with my humanness therefore changing everything!!

For out of the heart flows the issues of life.

Royal purple flow at the bottom which I still feel is so much smaller than it could be but thankfully it is coming.. is flowing..

But I notice that again isn’t the greatest of importance to me.. Isn’t what I need mostly or as it seems is my real true focus.

Right here I can take a load off.. sigh and take heart. For I recognise in myself immense growth. Because I am not wanting to be ‘famous or perfect’ in my art expression or even wait till I’m perfect.. Not just doing it for others either which is surprising.. Rather my art expression is the vehicle to seeing what IS my truest reality and then I share it.

I think recognising the importance of daily art expression and indeed realising it is a great gift to me from GOD. I can glory in being fully myself and realising that all the while inside my heart that although it has been broken by life is ever present and healing is occurring.

There is a HUGE powerful force at work within me. THIS is where I need to focus on to fully come back!!!! If only in my outer life like in my art piece I can see it as HUGE as this. That little flow might just start to flood and saturate the wider world around me!!!

This is my art piece in a large nut shell lol. I am learning even as I write this and contemplate my art.

It is truly amazing though that my art expression is not showing me what still has to happen. It is not showing me things I still need to do.

IT IS showing me what is HAPPENING ALREADY

I just have to be aware. ❤️🌷🕊

Shadow Self

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What keeps me going is what the world calls coincidence but I call GOD moments.

Today an extremely personal art piece because of one of these so called GOD moments. Perhaps the most personal piece I have ever done. I want to be completely free and I’m always moving towards that.

Free in every way possible and being honest, brutally honest seems to be the only way to be free and to rise above things that keep me bound or make me believe I am bound.

This link is to a free offering called.. Into the Shadow part 1. Where you can find information on the why.. It is a free course offered this month of April 2018 by Tracy Algar. I am in a face book group she runs and this course is being shared there.

It’s where I found myself earlier today simply having a look at the art others had posted and found it encouraging. I then decided to grab some magazines here at home and do some collage art unrelated but inspired by what I had been looking at.

So as I began looking for things to cut out I randomly found an article on the very same thing I had just been reading in her course!!!! Coincidence or what!?! Call it what you will. But I take these things as neon arrows that this has relevance for me.

I decided to have a go at my own ‘Shadow’ piece but chose instead oil pastels to create it.

Often I am feeling a plethora of feelings but not always knowing how to articulate them or even what direction to go for in prayer to God to help me with it. Art is a way to sort through and express my heart at the deepest level.

When I look at this piece below what am I thinking? I feel much more honest than I’ve ever been before. I seem to focus on faces more than any other thing and have for awhile now. Obviously being a deaf person my eyesight is a major thing and I need to be close to others to understand them. Faces to me are about intimacy and particularly so being a loner of sorts, a single parent and often am on my own now that the children are growing up. My art seems to be focused more often than not on a solitary figure because that’s where I’m at.

Face to face thing is imperative. I need to be in anyone’s face to communicate in any way but also I think I am frustrated and angry that it’s hard to communicate and such a struggle all the time to find a willing face to communicate with at the same level.. Face to face communication is actually rare for me these days so there is more of an urgency to be in your face if that makes sense.

My heart another huge factor in my life. If its not a heart thing I am not really interested in it or lose interest in it quickly. I am drawn very much to truth and people who speak from the heart no matter how different they might be from me.

Emotions are precious and beautiful to me and I am a ‘feelings’ person so my art is going to reflect that. But I do feel more a loner for it too because most people I am associated with do not share intimately or like I do so I feel alone because I need too and everyone else around me does not. So I do tend to hold it in when I’m with anyone which is not good for me or I freak someone out when it seems to pours out without end in sight..

With few to share it with or who I feel wish to be hear it and not many around that are likewise yeah I get stuck with it and it can keep me blocked or it’s simply easier to dwell in my own little world to cope with it..

But also unfortunately my heart has been damaged by life, feeling isolated.. by people who don’t try to get me but also I consider it to be mostly damaged by being my vulnerable self in a way that is an absolutely necessity for me and yet for the most part is speaking to thin air and that feels plain weird.. I am acutely aware of this void around me.. It is my hardest battle and it IS NOT FOR ATTENTION I talk about it but I consider it necessary for SURVIVAL. I have had to fight for a place like a little bird squawks loudly if it wants to thrive. Only my squawking is done with my art now lol and there are days I don’t do it.

Being quiet and in any way half hearted or not true to myself I feel crippled and that has severed me from even myself and keeps me from wanting to be in the company of most anyone. I truly do not see any real reason to exert myself in the world or with anyone if I can’t relate or be relative to anyone else. Art just for myself no thank you. Please don’t suggest that cause it’s strange just like talking to oneself all the time is strange. I can’t communicate with another person like you can. If you don’t get that you never will get me.

I disconnect from the world to survive this and I find my own way through. It’s why I write so much here.. pour myself into it for hours.. It’s probably a couple of months worth of conversations you’ve enjoyed every day but I’ve missed out on..

The severed head is really a savage way to speak my rawest truth that I’ve felt decapitated by feeling unless I do it your way I’m wrong.. Suffering disconnection when others around me have not realised I need them to value me and accept me as I am how I am. That being who I am is not an evil thing. The evil thing is not facing the world in a way where I’m free to be me.

My emotions are who I am. I cannot survive if I do not express them. Yes I realise even doing this that I need to stop shrinking because of what people think or how they function. But I should hardly apologise for needing people. I just need them differently to you..

We all.. human and creature need each other but we all have different ways to need each other. I need to speak honestly and I also need to know I’m seen & heard sometimes even if I’m not understood. I realise though that I have to stop feeling wrong for doing so period.

It’s a very dark world if I am expected to live without sharing from my heart. I did not draw in my ears because I can’t hear and I do not focus on what I cannot do.

My eyes are actually closed in this for that is how I appear to the world who will not see my heart and that can be people who should know me better but don’t go beyond the surface. I will look different to them. But they will not be focusing on the truth of me at all.

My reality is that my eyes are wide open and I have nothing to hide. I thought of the scripture the eyes are the window to the soul and it may not be very clear in this art but the whites in my art first started as flesh than I coloured them with yellow. The whites of my eyes are now yellow in this piece. I feel people think I am ill instead of seeing me as a living, feeling, breathing spiritual person. But I am actually lit from within because of HIM and Spirit is where I live majorly from (where HE is). I believe that if majority see only my flesh they miss out on me almost completely so to them I’m disconnected or broken.

Yes I need to see myself differently. I will say that even though my heart has been broken it will never extinguish my Spirit thankfully so I have surrounded my heart with yellow to symbolise that.

My cheek shows a rosy colour! Pink is my emotions. My mouth is upturned to more a smile than frown. My eyes are open. My tears help me release emotions don’t ever be afraid of them. I’m looking straight ahead. I am focused. I live from my heart and spirit. My brokenness does not stop me. HE is with me. HE is life, hope, health & strength in my weakness.

It is with complete fearlessness that I share my most vulnerable self with you. People around me have failed me as I know that I have failed others when I am only a shadow of myself. I will remain hidden to anyone who does not see my heart because that is my truest self.

I am not begging or hiding here or ashamed. It is with boldness and vulnerability I reveal my shadow self and raw naked soul with it. Spirit is my realm and where my Spirit is.

I am.

Any arguments. HE created me take it up with HIM.. 😊❤️🕊

Hard pressed on every side but not crushed

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The answer to the question I asked before I started journaling surprised me.
In visual journaling we are asked to set an intention or ask a question before we start.. it kind of guides us as we journal.

I was surprised because it was a hard question and I kinda feared you know what would come out of the inside of me.

Hardest battle of my life to be honest and one I have felt most alone with. Like being just under the surface of a calm ocean but madly struggling.. but because everybody else only sees the surface they cannot see the struggles or the difficulty of it and some deny it is even a thing at all.. They go about their lives as if nothing was happening.

I am finally coming to peace with that. I have felt angry that I cannot share it with someone. Burden shared is a burden halved. Frustrated that I could not be supported or believed. I cannot survive though carrying around anger. Especially seeing I am mostly a peaceful person. In fact I would probably go so far as to say I don’t get angry. I cry rather then release things in anger. I am quick to forgive but I have learnt that this does not mean staying around to keep being hurt. Major change right here that I am proud of. But it has come at a cost. Not being understood but still I feel strong that I can stand up for what I believe in. You do not know how many times I have considered just slotting back in to how it used to be. Just so I was not on my own anymore and you are not ruffling up people’s feathers. Just to keep the peace. But see there is something about being true to yourself and at peace I am also learning. That it does not mean there is no conflicts. In fact I think the more you seek truth and peace the more conflicts you will find yourself in. But you have to learn to stand despite the conflicts. You have to learn that it will put you at odds with others who have settled and who just accept the way it is. They get jealous and they also will either fight you tooth and nail or completely close up to you. They cannot understand you and they will either fight or flee. I am not good at arguing. So if people do not agree with me they give up very easily and don’t stay around but I can survive it because I have found my peace within by being honest and being myself. I have nothing left to hide.

I have to learn to accept my own personal truth as not needing validation. Learning process for sure. I suppose all my life I have leaned on others for validation and been a follower. Learning now that I cannot do that and find inner peace because there just have been very few that I can follow or whom was able to understand where I am coming from or feel the same. So I have had to put my roots down deep where I am. Just like a tree where it finds all it needs by developing strong roots. The tree gains strength from finding its sustenance in the deep and it can stand solid through storms and the testings through time.

There are positives to this battle thankfully.

My question/intention was.. What is it about my sister that so upsets me?

The visual journaling I did was very positive for me to look at and if anyone is a deep truth seeker they should also clearly see where my heart/soul is on this. I can see growth in me. I can see gold and immense purpose in myself. Oh my goodness how powerful this piece of art is… no matter how simple it appears. I know exactly what it means too. I was actually excited today to sit down and do my writing here. I can feel a real inner pull on me to write. To share. To think about it. I love expressing how I feel. It is not till I do this that I can genuinely see just what has been happening in me even in times of what feels like ‘nothingness’. Long long periods of dormant and low activity which thanks to GOD are actually achieving something after all.

The green is growth. It looks like lungs. But it is more my gut that I was thinking about. Kidneys maybe even. But they are the deeper parts of me.
I think of the scripture. “Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of water will flow within them.” John 7:38
I didn’t use blue though which is different to rivers of water. But water bring brings growth doesn’t it and believe me I have done years of crying which I can see now is bringing growth!!!!!
In fact it makes me think of the green of planet earth when seen from above and how it is surrounded by the beautiful aqua blue of the oceans of the world. In the very beginning of what we know as time. Spirit was hovering over the waters when HE started saying the very words that creation sprung forth from.

Blue to me also means tears, washing etc.. I love that I didn’t have in my journaling about this question anything relating to sadness.. That is so very encouraging because I do know it is always a fear that everything that has happened to me has made me a victim to depression but my art is NOT saying that at all. I could so easily be depressed because it has been SO DAMN HARD with my sister. She is a key person in my life. My sister. We are both single mothers. Both having gone through divorces. Both have teenagers. Both have disabilities. We both have and do rely on our parents for help. Because I house share with my parents and they help my sister so much it has been doubly hard the closeness of this battle and especially the cruelness of not being seen or rather feeling alone in it. I also will say in my families defense and the people around me who could have helped. That I am different to almost everyone I am related too or have had close contact with. I am created to share and NEED to share. I am a creative person and I think all of my life it was not something I was raised to do or was used to be surrounded with others who did. It was not encouraged, nurtured, talked about etc.. I was like an ugly duckling in the wrong family. Just a way to explain it.. not complaining about it or judging others. Just explaining that I have probably struggled all my life because I have not been able to be true to who I am in an environment where others were the same. I have relatives who are creative and sadly we don’t connect even though as I have been more creative I thought it would happen easily. Ways to go still in relating to others.

In relation to my sister as to the why ask this question now. I have chosen to distance myself from her. Something that is not my choice at all but I have felt is the only way for now. Too much more to it than is possible to explain for this days sharing but only here I will share why it has upset me so and my thoughts about my answer via visual journaling.

In short because I struggle to be myself with her and she has also said when we last sort of had it out.. when I tried to communicate more deeply.. ‘Your heart seems to be locked up tight.’

She felt that.

You can see that she is right that this is truth. But not that I want it to be locked up and that is where it runs into a wall because unless I can explain more and why.. she will not experience more. But I cannot seem to get any further because when I have overflowed lol.. And I can go on and on as you can see. Nothing comes back from her depths and I have felt defensive instead of myself and definitely not free flowing. I mean obviously we are not the same. But unless I can say some things and feel heard it all seems to stay with me and that is as far as we get. There is going to be a flow with two people who are communicating and free with each other and it is going to benefit both I believe. Not harmful or needing of either to hold back. We have not had freedom and I have not felt safe. Our hearts and souls are treasures after all which deserve respect, grace and the kind of love that allows us to be who we are with each other.. Warts and all.

So this green shows that I am wanting to flow despite our relationship in the past and currently. And I want deep. Which is why the black box appeared.. The black was not anything to do with me. Rather it is what has happened to us both when I cannot share naturally. When what I most desire which is obviously still huge to me runs into a wall..

I am so glad to see the flow is still there and does not seem diminished.. It has not stopped perse. Like I mean it is still there.. it has not dried up no matter what people think or even my sister thinks. I still want to share life with her. I have not always known that about myself. I have had anxiety even being around her. Strange because I am peace loving person and have a lay back personality. So when I consider all that our relationship has been and things said and not said. Anxiety rises up. So I am glad looking at this I am not seeing anxiety here in my art.

It is just I cannot and have not been able to flow with her. I am most comforted that I am not angry and I am not sad according to my journaling. I am still wanting relationship but I recognize that what I do want is healthy relationship. To be myself fully. To share deep things. Green signifies growth. But the fact that it is not blue. Blue symbolizes to me an exchange of relationship. I have all this growth inside but it only comes up to a point. It is not returned to fully complete the cycle I suppose you could say by looking at this art piece. It is not meant to be one way. One sided. It is meant to be for both my sister and me. To help each other. To be a safe place. A support. A confidant to each other. The pink symbolizes how my art and self expression helps me be who I am. A part of how I function. It is not that I do things I do to be different but rather it is who I am and being who I am helps me to bring up the deep things. Totally necessary. Shows that the way our relationship has been has hindered my whole self with my sister. So much more to say and so much more to be and so much more to contribute but its vitally important that I am free to communicate in my own unique way. That is where the treasure of me is.

The gold color I used is perhaps the most beautiful thing of all. I think of this scripture.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves. 2 Corinthians 4:7

It appears to be a GOD thing that this is who I am. This is how I am created.

Only recently I found a t-shirt at a op shop or you might call it a thrift store. It has the word ‘Power’ on it. The timing.. Lol I know immense hope for all that is NOT happening in my life when I bypass the very humanness of myself and concentrate on Spirit. GOD in me. GOD in this human body. If all my sister sees is the black.. Well she misses the treasure of me and she will only see the earthen vessel. If I cannot communicate my truth and be myself as I am to my sister she is going to miss the treasure. Anyone is.

Using art expression God has transformed my sadness to growth and given me abundant life within that desperately desires to be expressed to my sister and anyone else I am sharing life with. Some see art as just a very personal and intimate thing to help oneself. But I see art expression as my way to be who I am created to me. To shine my light/light of God who is working with me and a way to communicate as a deaf person too in this world. Spirit is what animates life itself after all.

I can see HIM working especially in my hard times, despite my humanness it is the most powerful thing on earth because when you really see SPIRIT is working so intimately within you, it is a very deep and soul satisfying message of life and hope. Seen crystal clear even in the simplest of things like visual journaling.

I am comforted for all that my life has been and all that my life has not been.. The difficulties only shine HIS greater purposes to me even brighter. I am finding joy right now in sharing this.

HE appears to me in midst my art obsession of collecting and hoarding art supplies because they are what I use to tell my truth and GOD meets me here within my humanness and hoarding art supplies.. And God IS involved in my art no matter how simple, despite how my outer circumstances do not make sense and how disconnected I might appear. Despite how many relationships I struggle with and the blackness that shows to the world. The introvert that I can be. The differences to others. The struggle with my sister.

There is still treasure to be found.

Bypassing my rational brain using visual art journaling I am able to speak from my heart not my head that likes to worry about things and wonder why this has happened the way it has and which struggles to communicate like the rest of the world does. I do shut down and lose focus when I think about how my outward life is and do not concentrate on the power and presence of SPIRIT. Flesh is weak. Spirit is strong.

Art expression shows what I truly feel inside it shows my super power :).
It is the truth after all and yes I too am surprised by how pure my heart is here. Glory to GOD!!!

Despite the black displayed in my art. The hardship.
(2 corinthians 4:8.. We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed.. Perplexed but not in despair; )
I am filled with gold.
My struggle to express myself has had incredible internal benefits because I need GODS help to keep my inward focus.
That’s how I found abundant life within. (Kingdom of Heaven is within)
I see enormous growth and flow which is a miracle even if its very different to how it looks on the outside.
(GOD looks not at the outward appearance but at the heart)
I am not filled with anger or sadness or lack or even blackness..
I am filled with light..
His power is best shown when I am sharing powerful truth even from within my own difficulties.

Encounter Art With Father God

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Working through a book called “Art Sozo.. Painting with God.. by Gail Spooner”.

This is what I would consider ‘Christian Art’ but yet strangely when I worked with that concept in my mind I didn’t feel it was any more connectful with God than say my normal art. There is this thing in my head or heart searching, searching, searching and believing you know that I have do ‘Christian Art’ a certain way or approach it differently but in the process of today’s exercise it seemed no more holy than my normal art. This is surprising. Obviously of course I am specifically looking for God to speak to me about what my art means though in this piece.

Looking at what I did and journaling about it as in relation to what God has revealed to me. I wonderfully see similarities to what I’m already aware of which is a lovely concept  to settle over me. That just doing specific art isn’t any more or less about God than my normal art. HE is always involved!! ❤ ❤

Encouraged to keep it simple and that it is all about what the colours represent to me personally and what I am painting symbolises, letting it simply flow onto the page only stopping to think about it after I do my art piece.. Supposed to be limited colours. I chose more than two.. I also used a small paint brush. They encouraged a sponge or even a cotton swab. I preferred a paint brush but kept it easy and it was not about being artistically perfect which is not my thing anyway.

I realise as I consider this piece that overall I need to focus more on the whole truth. I tend to often only hone in on my own personal experience and view everything from this perspective.

I used purple but lightened it from the darker shade of purple in my paint set. Yellow. Grey. Blue. Well it was going to be Pink which is a colour I am flowing in a lot lately. Red/white mix looks more red than pink.. I do see that this has significance. As obviously red is a strong biblical kind of religious colour associated with the blood of Jesus. I like that even though my colour used is more pink than red the fact that it is not as pink as I have been using means that I am still learning in my general art process to express myself less towards “religion” and more towards a personal and honest to earth faith. I can see growth obviously but also know there is more to come!!! That is exciting. Losing my religion but gaining a spiritual knowledge and depth that is far above what I have been taught by mere men and women.. 😀

I see that God chose to give us HIS Spirit but the wonder of it is.. we house HIM in these very human and often clumsy flesh bodies. When I say clumsy anything human compared to a perfect GOD is very much a vulnerable & fragile container.

I don’t think of humans as being black anymore. The sinner thing.

Question : I was answering or seeking answers in my painting process about lies I’ve believed about my identity. Grey came to mind. Flesh can be a grey area. What I’ve grown up being taught as opposed to what so many believe differently as opposed to what is actual truth. Obviously I think of myself as lower level even though God says we are now seated in heavenly places with Christ. I have felt and often feel separate/separated from everyone else. Hearing loss, rejection, struggles with religion/control/judgements/difficult relationships & other stuff has isolated me which is why I painted a blue bubble around the figure that represents myself.

I felt more tense as I began this piece as I have when doing my normal art. Purple represents that my background has changed. I do know/believe I am Gods child. I do know/believe God isn’t judging me personally but judgement fell on Christ. HE values me. Sees me differently. He’s everything. He’s everywhere. I am not worried about my actions or where I stand from that point of view.

I know the lie is ‘performance’  ladder to heaven. Jesus became human HE fulfilled all the demands so I used the colour grey in between the rungs of the ladder to heaven to symbolise this.

Still see myself too low. Surprisingly the people I need to forgive or I rather prefer to say. ‘Who I need to view differently and not be swayed by or want to stay away from’ are represented by the group of others in the painting.

I have felt they are responsible for my feeling and being separate and I do see their actions have caused me harm to the point I want to be anywhere but close to them as in turn they have not wanted to be close to me. I need to let go off the lies that ‘I am less’,  ‘not enough’ and that ‘I am not included’. Amazingly it was quite easy in my art even though ‘they’ and ‘I’ have been seen and felt as separated to paint us on the same level.. Beautiful and strangely freeing also to bind us together with the pink/red/white mix of colour. I am beyond thrilled that all of us are on the same level and when I saw this in my art I realise that I have to stop with the separation thing I too often claim as my truth which is a massive lie.. And introversion is really only another name for Spiritual.

Then there is this prevailing attitude that there are all different levels to where men, women and children belong.. You feel it. You experience it and sadly even Christians believe it but it is a lie from the pit of hell. I think it is one of the underlying core lies we have all been fed and the results of it mean our earth and human kind experiences so much separation and misunderstanding which is evil. We need a revelation of what is the real truth which I am seeing and loving in my painting!! Yet I know that even I am not yet experiencing the fullness of this but if I can just keep this in my daily vision and live this truth it is going to change my reality and maybe even more than that.

HE has made us one and that is where I have to restructure my thinking.  Can’t be rejected/separate from that. HIS glory/grace/truth/gifts are for all. Regardless of where we see ourselves/each other or feel we are in relation to each other.. One and the same!!

Love how the purple showed the colour yellow with a tint of grey in the heavenly rays coming down on us all.. which was not intentional.

JESUS Son of GOD by becoming human flesh and living in perfect obedience while confined in a human body.. embodied the answer to all that God could ever possibly require of mankind (did so on our behalf) and is the reason for all this heavenly glory earth and all who live on earth will ever receive. The truth is..it is not by our doing. But by HIM!!!

Finding my voice again..

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Oh my haven’t been here in ages. But it is so good to be expressing myself again. Been a long period of no motivation for art and expressing myself. 😦

I bought ANOTHER book lol I am a bit of a hoarder of books. But I have had needs in myself that I cannot fill with anything I have already. So I have been searching and yearning for something more I suppose you could say. I don’t always know what that is mind you. But search I do nevertheless.

As always its about getting stuff out of me because I tend to close up shop if I cannot express myself. Oh boy sit like a rock you know for days, months and onwards. You know when I am good I am expressing myself and when I am not I consider it a bad state.

The book I bought is Visual Journaling.. Going Deeper than Words. Barbara Ganim and Susan Fox. I have been working through it now about 6 days. Using art to reduce stress, get in touch with feelings and give voice to Soul. With simple images and colours and its quite amazing how these can speak and express just how you feel.. I am flabbergasted actually by how easy it is to do this but it is powerful at the very same time.

Bypasses the rational side of your brain somehow and I can quite confidently tell you that what you draw on a blank page from the get go is how you are feeling. Following along with guided questions you are able to then journal what it means and boy do I love it. I have found myself writing very easily.

Unlike the past I have not needed to share like I always have not sure what that means though but I suppose maybe I am happier to the point I am peace to share or not to share. Today I will. I do so because it has so helped me that I just know others may need this kind of therapy as desperately as I have. I am feeling more centred. More at peace. More able to talk about everything with gusto. I am not shut down like I have been. It is a lovely experience.

Todays art expression was based on using sound, in the form of humming, I used my voice too because being a deaf person I cannot use music. Though the activity seemed more about humming a tune within our selves.

I sang/hummed the song “Wind Beneath My Wings”… for my visual journaling. Its funny you know my register of songs and music is limited to what I have heard in my past. I started losing my hearing when I was in my early 20’s and its gradually got less and less as the years have gone by. So I only know and think upon music I know from my hearing years. So its dated music. But this song is one of my favourites. I try not to subconsciously think on what I am going to visually express in my art.. Let what comes come.

I have to set an intention at the beginning of every session but it is not something I am musing over rather it guides me. My intention for this was.  Finding My Voice Again..

That it was set to humming/singing music is a very deep issue for me being that I truly miss music. To the point where I am sure not being able to hear music has contributed to my shutting down and losing my voice.

As I hummed along to the song and sang it I just let my pen which was a gold ink signo broad pen (love love love these pens) sort of flow along with my experience. Visualising it on my page. The intitial wave form with the gold pen is not easily seen when you look at this art. It is in the background and we were encouraged to notice any images coming through our scribbles or wave patterns. The color of blue and gold are the themes for this piece. What I was feeling. Turned into tears and gold mountains. Because as I looked on my expressions that is what I thought about. Again I just let what comes come.

Obviously as I contemplate this exercise there is a lot of sadness associated with my feelings. I miss music. I miss getting lost in the song and lyrics and for me singing I got so carried away when I sang.. you know I would belt out songs lol usually. It’s emotionally charging when you sing and there is a letting go I think of emotions when you sing from your depths. Its a very sad time for me not to sing and listen and be moved by the power of music. But also it wasn’t just about the sadness. It was about emotions I was feeling as I hummed and sang. I was feeling the feelings about.. singing the words.. enjoying it and remembering the past and why I loved that song and times I sang it etc or listened to it. Of course it reminds me of my past and back when I was younger and a hearing person and a different sort of person because I had not gone through as much grief and trials as I have since.

Even as I write this the whole experience of this Visual Journaling has brought so much more to the surface and along with it.. much more meaning to what has flowed out of me. It is way more than just the song it is connected to my past, present and I am hungrily connecting the visual representations to all that my life is. Oh my how deliciously deep is this!!!!

Way more than just this exercise. I felt like my story, my past, perhaps even the last decade of my life was flowing up out of me and I can understand it and its not locked up inside anymore. YAY!!!!

Thinking of how my faith and God has lifted me up on wings and I see my story here on the page and that telling my story is giving me my voice back. That it has been a lonely journey, fraught with tears, many tears. Losing my voice the hardest. It’s when you start to feel what is my purpose. Why am I even here in this world?

This shows I am always aware of Gods presence even though it’s been hard. The wings of God carrying me through all of it. Sound carried my emotions onto this page. Hard place, lots of sadness and emotion along the way. I know and am aware that HE God was undergirding me. Aware of importance of telling it truthfully. Not being afraid. Everything is important. It is beautifully personal and about ‘ME’ as opposed to many messages I have heard which say contrary. God cares about me…. every tear and emotion I feel and why.

Psalm 56:8 David prays to God.. “Thou tellst my wanderings, put thou my tears in Thy bottle; are they not in Thy book?”..

Long period. Preciousness of my personal journey and my journaling tells you I have not always seen or known what was going on and I have had to use my faith, stubbornly believe God with me not always seeing or knowing.. But faith carried me when I was unsure, alone, rejected, seeking and not finding.

Importance of each individual tear. Emotions have their purpose. Important to document. Tell it. Express it. Music/Sound even when I cannot hear it, perhaps in this case shows it has not disappeared but now shows its ultimate power..  by bringing up my very heart/soul depths. How I’ve missed so much and indeed desperately needed my emotional outflow.

My voice. Your voice. Our voices..  are vitally important.

Light

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Isaiah 9:2
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.

I love the light shining from clouds. Sun rays breaking through. They amazingly encourage me no end.
Heaven piercing through to earth. I took this photo while I was walking my dog one day and I love everything about it. It was like a spotlight, so direct this particular ray breaking through. My Iphone seemed to capture the remaining daylight as much more dark then it actually was but it works to highlight the sunbeam of light even more.

I have noticed these much more in my latter life and there was a period of time when I saw rays of light every single day I walked no matter what time I walked outside and I have seen them many more times and most of the time I have to take a photo. God has encouraged me through them because this latter part of my life has been hardest. I need HIM more than I ever have before. I have felt very much like a person walking in darkness as the leading scripture I shared says and it was exactly as if a light had dawned just for me and it gives immense hope.

My circumstances may not have changed too much but I have changed inside. I have hope within where it felt hopeless before and just seeing this strengthens my spirit.

God is that light to me. It felt very much that HE was shining it just for me at that moment. Right place right time. Exact message I needed to help me keep going.

This word is part of a series of words that together with other people I met with in December last year via a face book group and daily we were supposed to art journal about them.  For Advent LOL but I am slowly still plodding through. Hardly any time of late to do art and before that not very much motivation or desire. So I am persisting through even though I do not really know why. I think perhaps they are helping me just keep going and knowing that I didn’t give up is good for me to make myself do it.

I know remembering this photo and tying it in with the word encourages me again today. That is the power of God and scripture too.. One verse.. Sometimes just one word is all it takes to speak to me. Time or apparent circumstances seem not to disempower spiritual matters. Light is God to me whether it is for Advent, past, present or future. Spirit always packs a punch though it can come differently and in any form which is why it’s so wonderful at helping you see the divine in the every day.

Spirit is strong. Spirit is current. Spirit is good. I love that I can tie in photography, art, words, timing, God, Spirit, faith, scripture, art supplies, my art journal, personal sharing in putting this together AND share it on social media too.. ❤️️❤️