Category Archives: Digital art

Something greater going on despite the weirdness

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Having doubts even writing this lol.

Why LORD why when nobody will probably read it?

But when something amazing happens the normal thing is to share it.. so in what feels an abnormal moment I will share it nevertheless.

Abnormal is what I would call my life. I know people might say I harp on about it. This life I live and being alone so much. But it’s my truth. Only recently a face book friend actually said they’d be in town, where I live and wanted to meet me. But its strange you know this person isn’t what you’d call close. A friend, acquaintance.. Someone I have known for quite a few years through our on-line group Unify and face book and I don’t remember how long or the circumstances of becoming friends either.

But that isn’t why I didn’t take him up on it. He and his wife which he didn’t actually mention but I know he is married were visiting family who live here. The thing is I hardly see a soul and being deaf means face to face is hard enough and I miss so much. I don’t really have anyone else to ask to come along with me to meet him.. like as a support. I only really see family these days. So I declined. Yes I guess seeing I am alone so much that it is rather a bad thing isn’t it to decline to see someone who actually wants to meet up.

It is just that texting on a phone or screen is easier than talking face to face and I don’t feel as comfortable in a social setting as I do texting. I will miss a lot of what is said anyway and yeah losing so much of a conversation and being uncomfortable all the time while you sit and try to work out what has been said isn’t fun.. Although I do ask people to repeat themselves sometimes that doesn’t work either and I feel so bad knowing the other person has said something to me I have no idea about what it was.. It’s not enjoyable and it doesn’t really interest me. Lol not that seeing him in person wouldn’t be good and they are not interesting.. its not about the other person perse.. I mean I love people but its frustrating for me and any good seems sucked up in anxiety.. I don’t think to be honest anyone would like to spend a few hours talking to thin air cause that is what happens yet here I am juggling the very same thing thinking why write my heart out if nobody will read it but I think at least its out in the world and can be found even years later rather then spoken once and lost forever.
I have to be honest and I do not feel that I could be my best or even half myself… meeting him. I don’t think he has ever read my blog here either and I feel he or anyone else would know me better reading here then ever you could know me face to face.. True honest.

In person I am not the same as my spirit or as I am creatively speaking. I am shy, I am introverted and I will freeze up. I will struggle to find things to talk about AND on top of all that I will be fumbling to communicate with you and struggle to hear you.. LOL it sounds like a fish out of water doesn’t it. 😀

Now I am not picking on him. But there is no chat back and forth between us regularly or even irregularly I think thats the same for most people on face book its a connection point rather then social point. You are friends you see an occasional update or too maybe comment here and there. You share your opionions and thoughts on your face book and they on theirs and you might even read up occasionally.

My fault as well it is just that if there was more contact I probably would be more inclined to be around someone even if it were a struggle. More connection.. More meaningful. More ease.. definitely a greater reason to push myself out there. I do not mean to disappoint anyone. Nor disrespect anyone. I find it very hard to be honest in these moments. But I would rather be honest then make excuses and just ditch people by not turning up or not saying how I really feel.. But as always the other person even when I’m completely honest it’s rare I know what they feel.. very few talk like I do.. so I guess that’s partly why it’s rare for me to find a connection.

In saying all that ha ha. I will get to the greater going on. My latest art piece which I have not finished by the way. And it could be rather embarrassing too because I was actually attempting to draw/paint my own brother. I have one sister and one brother on earth and one sister in heaven. My brothers photo added to show as reference.

I thought this time I should draw a guy.. the portrait before this one was a weird face guy.. it was refreshing to draw/paint a guy.. it wasn’t my usual portrait.. I especially loved drawing a character where I just had fun with freely drawing a face and letting what came come..

My own best attribute I feel is just being myself lol and not being afraid to be honest and let my imperfections show. The good and the bad..

I don’t believe I am a gifted artist. I believe I can do art and I am improving and I have talents but to be honest my art has imperfections and I never feel that I could get to the point of selling it because of this very reason. So I feel my art will mostly be just be for personal pleasure and also a beautiful freestyle vessel of communication and sharing my heart. Any artist that makes money lets be honest they are very good at what they do. There is an excellence about how they craft their talent & how they do it. And very rightly most art is pricey. Good art is and that is because it takes time and devotion and artists are worthy of that because they put their heart and soul into it.

Good artists are noticed and although some may not be appreciated in their time. All great talent is eventually realized because it wows us, it thrills us, it brings us to our knees, inspires, evokes emotions, captivates etc.. Touches and changes the world.

Now what excites me about my art isn’t so much the talent I have or that people are raving about it ha ha but what God reveals to me through HIS Spirit and though my imperfections which oh my is so empowering. I mean I literally get propelled through my life simply knowing that GOD is in this with me, no matter who else isn’t noticing… and it is because HE is with me and so supportive it gives me wings, joy overflowing and love like nobody else ever could.. All the while even though I am imperfect.. It gives me incredible fortitude.. hope spring up in my heart and I can find myself excited to share something like this even though many times the stats tell me very few and sometimes no one reads it. My art unlike my sharing here is getting more attention and it’s not the attention I’m after so much it’s that it’s a place where others come.. we meet where I share my art and I’m happy, free, not uncomfortable and I’m inspired..

It is EXACTLY this determination to press onwards where I feel and I recognise in myself that I know that I know that I know it is GOD in me. ❤ Art is not only where I communicate but where I connect best with others it’s also a place my soul/spirit senses Gods presence..

My latest art piece I have to share even unfinished because last night.. Or rather early this morning GOD was speaking to me in my half asleep time.

The picture was done digitally on an app on my ipad.

To be honest from the beginning it did not start to look like my brother and yes I was relaxed about it. Not anal. I starting erasing lines to and fro and I thought no no I want to be free with this. So I kept on drawing and not erasing. I was trying for a likeness though and sometimes in my drawings others have said they can see that likeness and I have seen that likeness for the subject but this was not one of these times. The more I worked on it the more it began to look like my on line friend Dustin in Canada. I was not thinking of him at all. But it looks like him though lol. I am not sure if that happens to any other artist? Draw one thing and it kind of morphs into something else or someone else. But even though I was using my brothers photo for a reference point and did not stop using it.. my online friend was forming in the picture and I have no idea why. Spirit surely does come and go as it wishes..

It was late at night I was drawing so I was tired and went to bed without finishing my art. I shared it with Dustin via messenger though cause he is also an artist but not a practicing artist lol he did 6 years at uni for art but hasn’t got the heart for it anymore. He is extremely talented too and very patient with me lol and I show him most everything ha ha.

It was overnight in Canada so I see now he has finally seen it. Haven’t talked to him though about it. But it wasn’t honestly about him that I was mentally aware of at the time.
The kicker is that before I went to bed I heard the Holy Spirit say. ‘There is a friend that is closer then a brother. ‘

Which is an actual scripture in the bible. And truth for me too in life because my brother Quentin and I are not close as siblings. Don’t see each other very often and very rarely talk together more than pleasantries.

Which is a complete opposite to Dustin whom I talk to via messenger every single day. Online bestie for many years and he is definitely closer to me then my brother..

Again I do not know what it means but even going back to earlier what I said about my strength being of my spirit more then my flesh or face to face. My art is showing me a far deeper and greater thing happening then simply what I am drawing or how good I am at it. Gods Spirit is right there with me in it.. in me while I am creatively expressing and I can see HE is sort of tying in my life, truth, creative expressions in what I am doing and they all sort of tumble together and come forth in ways that open my eyes to I think other worldly meanings and greater truths which I absolutely cannot keep inside myself I have to share. Isn’t that though exactly what we are meant to do though. Share our faith!!!

I am calling on GOD right now to help me remember but it’s not coming though. Seems so unfair you know when Gods Spirit was communing with me so closely in the dark hours just before sun up and it was woah… but like many dreams I have they disappear pretty soon after I wake and unless I scribble things down I soon forget..

It was early this morning in relation to my art and I think mostly it had so encouraged me that the scripture about a friend being closer to me then a brother that it came and so beautifully fitted with my art and what happened.. That it was a total God moment. This is exactly what motivates and drives me to write now. I rely on spirit and not flesh. God reminds the bible also says.. Flesh counts for noting..

I only wish I could explain just how wonderful it is to me.. I mean I literally have little use lol in this life for anyone.. Raising my children of course. A busy year for my youngest who is in final year of High School. She has a job as well. One more son at home and I run another son around to work etc who lives full time with his father. He is a grown up son though but doesn’t drive.

Not a great house keeper, do not work. Rarely leave the house lol. I do not go to church of a weekend. I cannot hear and God is with me 24/7 right here and I do get some of the social part via internet I mean I am connected to many believers in God via internet. Where I join in and pray with others. Share with others online. But mostly my life is very quiet and not much else.

I am not a motivated person. Art wise is the exception. It is where I am spiritually motivated but outwardly I am looking at what I put out into the world compared to say 5 years ago. I’d say less and less and less.. so much so that as I’ve said before it’s rare I show up on people’s radars these days..

I am not religious outward. I am different to what I used to be. How I used to post. What I used to say. How I came across.

But when GOD Spirit is right here with me. Despite all this. It is incredibly affirming, stabilizing. Peace & joy producing. Personal. Intimate. Spontaneous. Delightful actually. I literally feel my borders if there is such a thing expanding..

Perfect love drives out fear. So I can find contentment right here right now..

I love this from another artist whose magazine I receive in the mail via USA. Mandy Steward. E zine ‘Secret Message Society.’

She says.. I am further along than I thought I’d be at this point in my REVOLUTION. The words aren’t as necessary, nor is the being NOTICED. Who is left to notice?

That fits with me exactly..

I will share a picture of what she wrote..

Cause I love it. I do not have to be afraid. If God is for me who can be against me? And the wonder of it is.. GOD in me. Miracle right there. HE came as us.. Human.. To show us the KINGDOM is within. Humans. Flesh. As Spirit.

Maybe it doesn’t matter the intimate things HE was whispering to me in the early hours. They were welcomed and encouraging to my spirit and soul. They seeped down into the depths of me where I am found where few have found me and I am comforted and feel beloved and precious. Like God stopped the world just for me. Affirmed.. Held.. Loved.. Valued.. Tears come even though I do not remember word for word.. It is enough that HE came and I do not need to recall it. It is there inside me.

My art has been all about faces lately. Which does seem strange for someone who rarely is close to anyone’s face.. It tell me though something great. That Spirit is intimate.. Closer then flesh.. Face to face as lovely as it is.. Is not needed in spirit realms.

Otherwise Holy Spirit could not be our comforter and teacher. YET HE is.. In the darkest time just before sun rise HE IS with us. Speaking. I believe even to the masses who might not even acknowledge HIM.. Just like HE hovered over the void that was yet to be earth. HE is and we are in HIM. Even now as we are. There is not fear. Just believe.

Let’s face it lol

When you are aware of God so acutely you’re in the right place even if it feels the wrong place.. ❤️🕊

Numbers 6:24-26

The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace.’

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Touched By An Angel

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Just a lovely moment I wanted to share..

The Spirit is moving!! God does use angels to touch our hearts!! Connecting us in a myriad of incredible ways even across the world.. providing comfort, inspiration and strength.

I love Instagram it’s where I get so much inspiration.. meet with countless creative souls and also share my own photos & art.

Today I found myself at the Instagram account of Roma Downey. She posted a photo of her close friend Della Reese who recently passed.. It’s of a keepsake printed for family and friends as they came together to celebrate her life..

I’ve loved and admired both these women because of the tv series “Touched by an Angel”. Anyway I left a comment on the post saying something like “You will see her again one day.. but I know it’s hard to wait ❤️️.”

Not long after she liked my comment..

ATM there is over 3,000 comments and I don’t know how many were there when I posted but to even try to respond to so many is amazing..

Anyway what was most amazing is that I felt that exact moment in my heart.. I literally felt something touching my spirit when I saw a message pop up on my phone that Roma liked it..

I stood there a moment hand to my heart and experienced a real connection which is hard to explain but there’s an awareness of a connection with Roma’s spirit at that exact moment.. Heaven moving inside you l really don’t know how to explain it.. but it feels exquisite..

Once my feet touched the floor again I had to immediately go back and share that because something tangible was happening.. Roma is grieving.. it’s hard to say goodbye to someone we love no matter how many lovely memories and times we share.. you just miss their presence..

I just hoped that sharing that small moment might do the same and comfort her heart.. of course not even knowing if she’d see it..

Spirit transcends our grief, time barriers and also distance in some amazing way.. Amazingly she did see it!!

Snap shot of what I shared and Roma’s response below.. 😍 I realise re-reading it I spelt Della’s name wrong 😩.. somehow though Spirit & Angels work though our imperfections too.. we really do need to see the heart sometimes because flesh so easily err’s..

Also a digital art piece I did because of all this.. Using a photo of my own angel statue from my art desk.. It’s like a pictorial black out poetry piece except I’ve blocked out pieces of the photo using words from items in my desk as the poem.. and added a few images to it as well.. Poem is not the right word though but I’m trying to explain how I did it.

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Contradiction

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Prompt – 

The Contradictions of my life include..

I had to look up the meaning of contradiction lol. I definitely love the meaning and it really does sum up the continuing story of my life.
Definitions for contradiction
Noun
opposition between two conflicting forces or ideas

One of the major contradictions has been my religion and how I live and express my faith.

If you were to scroll through my face book feed for example you might have a hard time pinning down my exact beliefs. In fact it might not show outwardly that I am much of a Jesus girl at all but anyone who truly knows me knows my heart. I have gone a different path from the outward signs and believe it or not it has not been easy. But I am getting freer.

All my life basically I have spoken, read, acted a certain way. Christian way. It is hard after 40 years to divert I can tell you. I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water at all though it may look like it. This path I have taken has unfortunately appeared to separate me from the main flock though. But like deafness which did the same this experience has changed me and helped me learn much more about God and myself than I knew and thought was possible. I know my boundaries very well but because people and distractions have been minimal Gods presence is more evident to me and I know within myself what is of me and what is not.

A living between worlds you might call it. What I always thought I knew opposed to what I am knowing and learning now because any type of survival living increases your knowledge. Truth is beautiful and it has been a huge step out of my comfort zone. Finding God via HIS Spirit with me in the here and now and that HE is always present and that I don’t need props to experience spiritual life gives me so much space but that has also meant separation from people which has been peculiar I can tell you. Still getting used to that.

The thing is it’s what you find on the edges and beyond that is so fascinating and not at all what you thought it once was. Of course it is hard, very very hard to go against the grain and live differently. The guilt oh my. The disconnection and I am deaf too so I’d honestly say it destroys you and builds you into a whole new person cause it makes for a very hard, dark, cold and lonely world when people turn their backs and nothing remains the same. You either return tail down defeated, shrivel up and die or find a whole new way to live. Spirit and Art has been my way through. I truly meet Gods Spirit in this whole process. Like a steady bubbling river always flowing and the awareness of even the smallest of details around you seem to line up and everything has deeper meaning and purpose but it appears to come at a cost you disappear off the radar. No longer can you live via external appearance and behaviour.  It has to be an inside job.

It forces you to actually think about what you believe and why you believe the way you do every single day. You are not just relying on what you are doing or what you are saying or what you have always done. You are actually thinking and in the moment every moment not just going into auto-pilot. Believe me when you are in midst the majority a lot of it is simply talking, doing and living like everyone else because that’s what you’ve been taught and you don’t realize it but every time someone affirms you who believes the same it keeps you in line. You will want to stay away from anyone outside that and that should be a warning sign because God is everywhere. We are all His children, people just do not know & realise the whole truth.

If everyone else around you is the same. It’s easy/easier to be that way especially if you only associate with similar minded people. Stop in any way doing or being like everyone else or being around people like that and suddenly you are faced with a dilemma you start to be challenged on all sides. I have been careful not to just throw everything away. I especially want to be real not fake. Such as.. if you say I am feeling fine when actually you are not.

I want what I believe to radiate out of me because it’s who I am within my heart rather than outward words or actions. Being deaf has taught me the value of looking into someone’s eyes/face, reading body language, the power of touch and just how an acknowledgment no matter how small when you can understand can change the direction of a day. I don’t want to force what I believe on someone or expect them to do what I do because its right or wrong. I especially love a quote by Rumi.

Out beyond ideas of
wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn’t make any sense.

From Essential Rumi
by Coleman Barks

I want anyone to be truly comfortable being themselves in my presence as I believe God wants us to feel in His presence. Same as in this quote. I think of nature and how we don’t go out into nature and argue with it as to how the trees are planted, how the flowers grow or the sun is shining or not. We just enjoy it for what it is. To show our enjoyment we might take off our shoes and walk in the grass if it’s a nice day. Or we stand somewhere safe and watch the thunder storm or we look in awe at a mountain peak or even climb it. We spend hours walking along a sandy beach with water lapping at our toes. We gaze up in wonder as the stars come out at night. If only we could be in each others presence and just enjoy it the same. Just as we are without trappings, expecting someone to change or trying to find fault.

I feel religion is like a competition and I am always a loser. I know it is supposed to be ALL about God.. But do this or do that or don’t do this or that. Its all comparative. Least on my own with God I can totally be myself. I don’t have to put on airs and graces. He sees and knows all that other crazy stuff anyway and I can just enjoy HIM and HE me and its natural. I speak like myself and I can sing loud or crazy or cry or laugh or moan. I can just thank HIM or pray for people or my world. I also do not feel guilty because I failed in some way or another cause I know HE loves me and HE did it all perfect anyway so I don’t ever have to ever feel a failure so I can drop the ever present need to better myself.. In religious settings you cannot easily be yourself there are trappings and ways to do or not do things.. You can admit sin and all but you have to deny yourself and although I am not against change perse or focusing on God. I think those things will happen and should happen naturally and I think also when you know HIM in a real way and you know HIS love for you.. you just do different when you learn the truth and it goes down into all those difficult hurt places and you do not feel the need to pretend, put on a mask or perform..

Art-wise being spiritually expressive I am not forced, not stunted, I am free, not doing it because everyone else is doing it and I can enjoy it or even when I might be suffering in my soul I don’t know but you are dealing with it in a way that naturally heals and helps you through the release of it where your not being held accountable by people or clergy, shame, fear or judgment and its flowing out freely by choice not because you have too. It is pure Spirit.

I hear God say he is looking for true worshipers who will worship in spirit and truth. Authentically and with a whole heart I can say this is my aim.

It is another world really yet it is found within my skin and flesh. Kingdom of God is within. So why should I be trying so hard on the outside when the most important is all within? 

Unknown

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project

Day 3

UNKNOWN

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do,

we have come to our real work

and when we no longer know which way to go,

we have begun our real journey.”

— Wendell Berry

My real work might just be…

Starting, becoming clear, springing from this place?

Oh my how that quote above just makes me sigh deeply like suddenly my soul found it had stopped breathing and didn’t quite know it. Because I often sit thinking of all that I should or could be doing and have absolutely no idea what to do with myself and its such a hopeless feeling and I cannot literally move. I am afraid that if I did ask GOD it be just the same old same old and all the crap I have been through would have been for nothing. Yet I know HE doesn’t waste anything. I know HE has been with me through all the strange occurrences that has been my life. I have not felt HIS displeasure or felt guilty except only by the words of humans who say they are speaking for HIM?
Yet where are they when I am struggling? Judging? I thought the Holy Spirit was supposed to prompt people into action but so far nobody has been getting it except artist type people. People who have struggled and who are what the world considers broken people. They seem more in tune with the Spirit of God than people who spend their lives dedicated to God?? It all makes me look at HIM only at HIM and perhaps what encourages me even though it seems not the way a majority move is just when I think I cannot go on a little ray of light breaks through and I find myself encouraged and fear fades away.

Unknown territory. Where nothing of the normal or old type things work anymore. Its like everything has pushed me here. And even though it has been hard and lonely and isolating strangely I do not wish to go back. I often think how can this be? Majority move a certain way surely I am way off the beaten track yet I find despite myself incredible peace and joy and intuition I know is not me. Maybe it is all for a reason. To begin that REAL journey my soul has been crying out for. I suppose I should not be disorientated when its all new ground around me, all unfamiliar and strange. Because that is exactly what breaking into the NEW is.

So this is it then. This New way. And I just realised yet again when I am honest about where I am something comes alive in me. I can express myself easily. I can find the words that only a short while ago failed me. What a strange thing this is though. This strength in weakness. This surge of life where moments ago I was lost and direction less but now I am moving in spirit, confidence brimming over and it feels really really good.

Spiritual Art..

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I have not blogged/written in so long. Mostly I have been art journaling or creating digital type images. I just signed up again for a digital art course. The creator was offering her art courses ‘pay what you can afford’ so I snagged a course. Art supplies are very expensive and most of whom I learn from are overseas artists. And they often use supplies I cannot easily find here or if I do they are exorbitant in price. It is most depressing I can tell. So I thought I would try digital art and see if I can produce more with ipad, aps and with the material they teach me. Thus flowing much easier. See how we go.

It is winter here so great weather for indoors activities ha ha though I am an indoor type of girl all year round.. Art Journaling glue and paste is still a big favorite. I have stacks of magazines in my bedroom!! Often pages and words spread across my bed.

I don’t have to put much thought into what I create. I just go through and pick words that speak to me and pictures that appeal to me. Than I just kind of put the pages together and its actually really easy. I think that is how Spirit flows. Its a knowledge inside you that is already there through GOD, your gifts, talents and stamped with your own personal flavour..  We just really have to believe in ourselves and be brave, learn what we can learn and go do it. Doing it is the most important thing.. 

I still can so easily just sit. I am not a great mover and shaker of the world in my physical self.
Of myself I don’t focus easy, rather sit and vegetate and not do much. I really have struggled with zero motivation for quite some time.. 😦 

This is quite strange and a deviation. But in my head last night as I slept I heard these words. “The flesh counts for nothing.”

Mine definitely doesn’t. I don’t work for a human boss. I don’t cook. I don’t socialize much. I don’t have any educational degrees or future plans of grandeur. I am not careful with the little money I do have.  Most days I do not have any plans at all.
I don’t stand out in any way physically and not many notice me. Persistence is my only super power I feel but persist at what?? 

Yet these words have obviously comforted me today because here I am writing again!! My Spirit is what will live on for eternity. My Spirit is what I will live from when I die in this flesh body. My Spirit is strong and has far more impact than my flesh because it keeps going. Ha ha you’re reading this.. I absolutely love love love doing art and sharing it. Or posting this blog and hitting publish. Or adding photos to Instagram. Sharing inspiration on face book. Yes I am love social media pretty strange isn’t it for an introverted girl. There is a freedom here that face to face I do not have. And I am not awkward here it flows.. Easily and this excites me no end. I will fist pump and thank God over and over  ha ha when I hit send. 

I can be happily creating or expressing or sharing for hours and hours and not a soul will see me except doing the family business of caring for the kids etc. They are with their dad atm. Art to my hearts content. I can share my faith. And people of all kinds seem to appreciate it. I don’t get a lot of feedback but that has not stopped me because I love doing it period.

I don’t even go to church. I cannot hear to take part I am almost deaf. Also I see things differently from main stream. The warm body is the temple of the Spirit. Rather than a building. Nothing wrong with bodies gathering though. My people gather online ❤️.. 

My dad preached today and brought me in his written notes.. Sermon notes.. Bless his heart.. And the very first scripture.. Add pic in.. 

YES YES YES.. I cannot stop doing this.. No maters the responses I get.. Just like that scripture says. Talk about the LORD.. Express the messages in my heart I believe HE has taught me. But personally not religiously.. Not thees and thous. There is a religious way of talking and going about life that I have broken away from. Not the source but the expression of it. I want to be authentic, real and not pigeon holed. You have to think about it.. It’s challenging but it’s also intimate and real life. Leaving room for interpretation. Gods Spirit is the greatest counsellor & teacher!! Not cliche’s and not impersonal. I want people to think, see that spirit life isn’t dead and uninteresting. It’s a full life and freeing and unlimited ways to express faith. 

Ok I walk different to mainstream but I think all the time on my own with GOD has changed me in a way that I see HIM and feel HIM and know HIM differently. I just want to experience HIM personally and intimately.. YOU cannot be alone with anyone for a long period of time one on one and not know them differently. 

Spirit fire burning in my bones. People have turned away because of the way I express my faith and that has given me a louder voice and sparked more persistence. Kept me praying!! 

I think because they read with their heads and not view with their hearts.

 But I am telling you there is great great freedom and great great love and out of this world knowledge. For those who will see the heart, see the SPIRIT and live from the SPIRIT and not operate in fear, from flesh or stay within boxes.. Joy and passion will be running over within.. living as they are led and the SPIRIT will speak from most anything and from anyplace and the message goes straight to the heart..

Brave..

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How to be safe again with unsafe people? Thoughts going around inside my head. So much of what I have suffered, I have had to deal with alone and have had only God to hear me out and little other support.

There is a verse in the bible that says. “Guard your heart for out of it come the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23

Its very wise and helps me but when do you let down your guard when your supposed to love people? Like love that is un-human.. Least I have not found too many who love like that I have personally known.

The kind God and Gods people talk about? The kind that makes you shrink in your shoes because you cannot do it like THEY do it.. And you feel so much lack in your heart because you can’t the same.. You want too.. You desperately want too.. But you try and fail.. Try and fail.. Try and fail.. And you cannot be yourself in their face.

Also when I was suffering the affects of abuse.. I heard in my spirit. Do not throw your pearls in front of swine. Matthew 7:6

Abuse. There is no easy way to talk about it. Sigh. I dread it. Because most people do not want to know or do not want to talk about it or as Christians say. Turn the other cheek and forgive forgive forgive.

But that kind of talk almost destroyed me. It takes a strong person and a persistent person to love a damaged heart to help a damaged heart feel loved and worthy. Yes via GOD there is a whole other world. A way to love unconditionally and beautifully and you can leap hurdles in a single bound.. Because HE loves you like that.. And gives you HIMSELF and pours love into you.. I know all this.. Because it is what keeps me going.. Keeps me alive.. But I am also flesh and blood and that is from where I speak today.. Sweat and tears.. Lots of tears.

All the religious talk falls ohhhh so short I am sorry but it does. It has failed.. Religion has failed me. Religious people have failed me.

I can only be honest. It takes a world of prayer and tears and asking GOD for miracles to love and be healed like I need.. I still feel and live the affects of abuse.. By family and others.. I won’t name I don’t wish to talk about them… I let that go.. It’s not about the abuse anymore its about how it has affected me and how I deal with it.. Although there are times of recent the actions of certain people bring it up again.. And you cannot go through life untarnished.. We have minds that bring to memory hard times and things said and ways we are treated and unfortunately you live its affects like it or not. You cannot just walk in fields skipping along as if you live in Disney land.. Thats not real life. Our hearts bleed… and eyes cry tears.. We remember and we live in bodies that are affected by the way we are treated.

Ohh how the tears have dripped down my face and into my pillow and sheets night after night for the way my heart has been damaged and hurt.. How I have suffered. Cried myself to sleep too many times to count. Yet I prayed.. I forgave.. I got up the next day. Some have thought depression but I find joy inside me too. I don’t discredit depression but I think more I feel. I am a feeling person.. A heart that cries and laughs.. And when hard things happen a lot its hurt so yeah I cry.

I don’t always cry. But there have been periods of time I cried every night and that is the truth.

Because of what has happened to me its changed me. Its not so easy to trust people now. Trust is one word God often says to me. Trust me HE says.. So instead of focus on things that were too hard I just look to HIM and it really does help.. And HE sends peace and strength.. But I cannot just so easily keep putting my heart out in places and with people that I do not feel safe with. But I also need to continue sharing because that is how I was created. I need to do it.

I think the hardest thing has been the abuse itself. Because it happened over a period of time and even though that is in the past now it screwed with my head. When any person treats me in a way that I feel unsafe about or refuses to let my heart be itself I back away because they are sending mixed messages. When I say heart be itself. I mean where it feels fake and not consistent. Real I want real even if the person says hard things but in saying that if they are inconsistent I cannot deal with it. If the person says hard things than back away or targets me or I feel backed into a corner I am going to react and not in the right way. You know if someone loves you through thick and thin. You know if your valued for who you are. I guess that is what I want more than anything. Loyalty. Honesty. Acceptance. To be myself freely.

You know when my former husband said he fell out of love. I could deal with it because he was being honest. It hurt yes but he was gentle and I don’t believe he meant to say it to hurt me but because that is how he felt. I can respect that. I can respect a person telling the truth in gentleness. But when a person is saying one thing one place and doing another thing in another place. Its confusing. I found peace with my former husband so I found safety again in a place that for awhile became unsafe for me. We kind of navigated through in a way that both of us found our peace.. That is what I want with every person.

I can cope with differences.. I can respect you or anyone if you respect me too.. I guess I am answering myself. How to get to that place? It takes time. Honestly. Even hard honesty. But it takes time and being patient. Yes guarding oneself and perhaps opening up a little more as time progresses.. And also especially talking about it like this. ❤

All deserve to be fully themselves, to be respected but also respect others, to live in safety, to be loved despite faults or differences. Treated the same.. And to be believed.. ❤

 

brave

11th May 2016

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Can it be easier than we think to live by the Spirit? GOD said burden light.. Yoke easy.
When I do my art. Today.. I just found things that appealed to me.. Cut words.. Or an image etc

Wasn’t trying to find something or say something specific. I found..

Rapture, heaven, angels, confidently, see, hear, two united..
All stood out and it was easy to put together. A single human hand palm opened.

Butterfly.. To me the butterfly has symbolized freedom. Light. Spirit.

When I saw the words “Live Life”.. More often than not I feel stunted.. Stuck.. Unproductive. Stalled.. Waiting..

But when one is Living life they are doing all they can.. In the moment.. Free..

Confidence is trust.. It is not necessarily knowing.. Certainly a knowledge of GOD.. But what it means re everything else..

I do not know.. It is a bit about not looking around you or even at yourself or others.. Its eyes on HIM.. Stubborness others will not be able to shake.. LOL.. They won’t be able to easily move you.. It is a rock solid thing.. You can really hone in and trust that foundation of the whole world.. You may not easily explain it. And you might look silly or be misunderstood.. But YOU are strengthened in it. You feel the strength and you know its not of you.. That is assurance..

You see things lining up and its not a natural lining up. So you can trust it. Looking up.. Rest..

Two being united means a coming together.. A joining of strength. Alignment. Hearing.. As opposed to not hearing.. Angelic assistance.. Needed.. Seeing and hearing.. Very biblical.. Heaven on earth promised and in many of my prayers and it was last years words for the year. Confidence would be that coming to pass.. Moving into that. RAPTURE.. Ecstatic joy or delight.. It sounds a culmination. Long awaited.. Timing. Dictionary says a carrying away of a person to another place or sphere of existence.
Just an altogether beautiful creative experience.. It was a book I haven’t cut out of before.. The sense of just fitting it together seemed fairly easy to do. Beautiful art to produce without physical planning.. ❤

This was a picture in a book (no copyright details) and words I cut out of same book to make my own poem.. Used aps to digitally enhance it. 

Be at Peace.. 

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 When your humanly fragile.

It’s too hard.. 

It’s humanly impossible. 

Your weakened.

Whatever has happened. 

Straw that breaks the camels back..

Something small that seems to tip the scales.

Feel the weight of everything. 

In that moment.

Could just collapse.

Give up. 

But… 

Instead.. 

You switch to auxiliary power. 

You pray with tears or anger. 

Maybe only one word.

Help!!!

For in that moment.

You just can’t.

Than it comes. 

Slowly like a blanket.

Laid gently on your shoulders.

You sense a release. 

Hope rises ever so gently in your chest. 

You breathe again.