Category Archives: Digital art

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JOURNEY: 30 Day Journal Project

Day 3

UNKNOWN

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do,

we have come to our real work

and when we no longer know which way to go,

we have begun our real journey.”

— Wendell Berry

My real work might just be…

Starting, becoming clear, springing from this place?

Oh my how that quote above just makes me sigh deeply like suddenly my soul found it had stopped breathing and didn’t quite know it. Because I often sit thinking of all that I should or could be doing and have absolutely no idea what to do with myself and its such a hopeless feeling and I cannot literally move. I am afraid that if I did ask GOD it be just the same old same old and all the crap I have been through would have been for nothing. Yet I know HE doesn’t waste anything. I know HE has been with me through all the strange occurrences that has been my life. I have not felt HIS displeasure or felt guilty except only by the words of humans who say they are speaking for HIM?
Yet where are they when I am struggling? Judging? I thought the Holy Spirit was supposed to prompt people into action but so far nobody has been getting it except artist type people. People who have struggled and who are what the world considers broken people. They seem more in tune with the Spirit of God than people who spend their lives dedicated to God?? It all makes me look at HIM only at HIM and perhaps what encourages me even though it seems not the way a majority move is just when I think I cannot go on a little ray of light breaks through and I find myself encouraged and fear fades away.

Unknown territory. Where nothing of the normal or old type things work anymore. Its like everything has pushed me here. And even though it has been hard and lonely and isolating strangely I do not wish to go back. I often think how can this be? Majority move a certain way surely I am way off the beaten track yet I find despite myself incredible peace and joy and intuition I know is not me. Maybe it is all for a reason. To begin that REAL journey my soul has been crying out for. I suppose I should not be disorientated when its all new ground around me, all unfamiliar and strange. Because that is exactly what breaking into the NEW is.

So this is it then. This New way. And I just realised yet again when I am honest about where I am something comes alive in me. I can express myself easily. I can find the words that only a short while ago failed me. What a strange thing this is though. This strength in weakness. This surge of life where moments ago I was lost and direction less but now I am moving in spirit, confidence brimming over and it feels really really good.

Spiritual Art..

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I have not blogged/written in so long. Mostly I have been art journaling or creating digital type images. I just signed up again for a digital art course. The creator was offering her art courses ‘pay what you can afford’ so I snagged a course. Art supplies are very expensive and most of whom I learn from are overseas artists. And they often use supplies I cannot easily find here or if I do they are exorbitant in price. It is most depressing I can tell. So I thought I would try digital art and see if I can produce more with ipad, aps and with the material they teach me. Thus flowing much easier. See how we go.

It is winter here so great weather for indoors activities ha ha though I am an indoor type of girl all year round.. Art Journaling glue and paste is still a big favorite. I have stacks of magazines in my bedroom!! Often pages and words spread across my bed.

I don’t have to put much thought into what I create. I just go through and pick words that speak to me and pictures that appeal to me. Than I just kind of put the pages together and its actually really easy. I think that is how Spirit flows. Its a knowledge inside you that is already there through GOD, your gifts, talents and stamped with your own personal flavour..  We just really have to believe in ourselves and be brave, learn what we can learn and go do it. Doing it is the most important thing.. 

I still can so easily just sit. I am not a great mover and shaker of the world in my physical self.
Of myself I don’t focus easy, rather sit and vegetate and not do much. I really have struggled with zero motivation for quite some time.. 😦 

This is quite strange and a deviation. But in my head last night as I slept I heard these words. “The flesh counts for nothing.”

Mine definitely doesn’t. I don’t work for a human boss. I don’t cook. I don’t socialize much. I don’t have any educational degrees or future plans of grandeur. I am not careful with the little money I do have.  Most days I do not have any plans at all.
I don’t stand out in any way physically and not many notice me. Persistence is my only super power I feel but persist at what?? 

Yet these words have obviously comforted me today because here I am writing again!! My Spirit is what will live on for eternity. My Spirit is what I will live from when I die in this flesh body. My Spirit is strong and has far more impact than my flesh because it keeps going. Ha ha you’re reading this.. I absolutely love love love doing art and sharing it. Or posting this blog and hitting publish. Or adding photos to Instagram. Sharing inspiration on face book. Yes I am love social media pretty strange isn’t it for an introverted girl. There is a freedom here that face to face I do not have. And I am not awkward here it flows.. Easily and this excites me no end. I will fist pump and thank God over and over  ha ha when I hit send. 

I can be happily creating or expressing or sharing for hours and hours and not a soul will see me except doing the family business of caring for the kids etc. They are with their dad atm. Art to my hearts content. I can share my faith. And people of all kinds seem to appreciate it. I don’t get a lot of feedback but that has not stopped me because I love doing it period.

I don’t even go to church. I cannot hear to take part I am almost deaf. Also I see things differently from main stream. The warm body is the temple of the Spirit. Rather than a building. Nothing wrong with bodies gathering though. My people gather online ❤️.. 

My dad preached today and brought me in his written notes.. Sermon notes.. Bless his heart.. And the very first scripture.. Add pic in.. 

YES YES YES.. I cannot stop doing this.. No maters the responses I get.. Just like that scripture says. Talk about the LORD.. Express the messages in my heart I believe HE has taught me. But personally not religiously.. Not thees and thous. There is a religious way of talking and going about life that I have broken away from. Not the source but the expression of it. I want to be authentic, real and not pigeon holed. You have to think about it.. It’s challenging but it’s also intimate and real life. Leaving room for interpretation. Gods Spirit is the greatest counsellor & teacher!! Not cliche’s and not impersonal. I want people to think, see that spirit life isn’t dead and uninteresting. It’s a full life and freeing and unlimited ways to express faith. 

Ok I walk different to mainstream but I think all the time on my own with GOD has changed me in a way that I see HIM and feel HIM and know HIM differently. I just want to experience HIM personally and intimately.. YOU cannot be alone with anyone for a long period of time one on one and not know them differently. 

Spirit fire burning in my bones. People have turned away because of the way I express my faith and that has given me a louder voice and sparked more persistence. Kept me praying!! 

I think because they read with their heads and not view with their hearts.

 But I am telling you there is great great freedom and great great love and out of this world knowledge. For those who will see the heart, see the SPIRIT and live from the SPIRIT and not operate in fear, from flesh or stay within boxes.. Joy and passion will be running over within.. living as they are led and the SPIRIT will speak from most anything and from anyplace and the message goes straight to the heart..

Brave..

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How to be safe again with unsafe people? Thoughts going around inside my head. So much of what I have suffered, I have had to deal with alone and have had only God to hear me out and little other support.

There is a verse in the bible that says. “Guard your heart for out of it come the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23

Its very wise and helps me but when do you let down your guard when your supposed to love people? Like love that is un-human.. Least I have not found too many who love like that I have personally known.

The kind God and Gods people talk about? The kind that makes you shrink in your shoes because you cannot do it like THEY do it.. And you feel so much lack in your heart because you can’t the same.. You want too.. You desperately want too.. But you try and fail.. Try and fail.. Try and fail.. And you cannot be yourself in their face.

Also when I was suffering the affects of abuse.. I heard in my spirit. Do not throw your pearls in front of swine. Matthew 7:6

Abuse. There is no easy way to talk about it. Sigh. I dread it. Because most people do not want to know or do not want to talk about it or as Christians say. Turn the other cheek and forgive forgive forgive.

But that kind of talk almost destroyed me. It takes a strong person and a persistent person to love a damaged heart to help a damaged heart feel loved and worthy. Yes via GOD there is a whole other world. A way to love unconditionally and beautifully and you can leap hurdles in a single bound.. Because HE loves you like that.. And gives you HIMSELF and pours love into you.. I know all this.. Because it is what keeps me going.. Keeps me alive.. But I am also flesh and blood and that is from where I speak today.. Sweat and tears.. Lots of tears.

All the religious talk falls ohhhh so short I am sorry but it does. It has failed.. Religion has failed me. Religious people have failed me.

I can only be honest. It takes a world of prayer and tears and asking GOD for miracles to love and be healed like I need.. I still feel and live the affects of abuse.. By family and others.. I won’t name I don’t wish to talk about them… I let that go.. It’s not about the abuse anymore its about how it has affected me and how I deal with it.. Although there are times of recent the actions of certain people bring it up again.. And you cannot go through life untarnished.. We have minds that bring to memory hard times and things said and ways we are treated and unfortunately you live its affects like it or not. You cannot just walk in fields skipping along as if you live in Disney land.. Thats not real life. Our hearts bleed… and eyes cry tears.. We remember and we live in bodies that are affected by the way we are treated.

Ohh how the tears have dripped down my face and into my pillow and sheets night after night for the way my heart has been damaged and hurt.. How I have suffered. Cried myself to sleep too many times to count. Yet I prayed.. I forgave.. I got up the next day. Some have thought depression but I find joy inside me too. I don’t discredit depression but I think more I feel. I am a feeling person.. A heart that cries and laughs.. And when hard things happen a lot its hurt so yeah I cry.

I don’t always cry. But there have been periods of time I cried every night and that is the truth.

Because of what has happened to me its changed me. Its not so easy to trust people now. Trust is one word God often says to me. Trust me HE says.. So instead of focus on things that were too hard I just look to HIM and it really does help.. And HE sends peace and strength.. But I cannot just so easily keep putting my heart out in places and with people that I do not feel safe with. But I also need to continue sharing because that is how I was created. I need to do it.

I think the hardest thing has been the abuse itself. Because it happened over a period of time and even though that is in the past now it screwed with my head. When any person treats me in a way that I feel unsafe about or refuses to let my heart be itself I back away because they are sending mixed messages. When I say heart be itself. I mean where it feels fake and not consistent. Real I want real even if the person says hard things but in saying that if they are inconsistent I cannot deal with it. If the person says hard things than back away or targets me or I feel backed into a corner I am going to react and not in the right way. You know if someone loves you through thick and thin. You know if your valued for who you are. I guess that is what I want more than anything. Loyalty. Honesty. Acceptance. To be myself freely.

You know when my former husband said he fell out of love. I could deal with it because he was being honest. It hurt yes but he was gentle and I don’t believe he meant to say it to hurt me but because that is how he felt. I can respect that. I can respect a person telling the truth in gentleness. But when a person is saying one thing one place and doing another thing in another place. Its confusing. I found peace with my former husband so I found safety again in a place that for awhile became unsafe for me. We kind of navigated through in a way that both of us found our peace.. That is what I want with every person.

I can cope with differences.. I can respect you or anyone if you respect me too.. I guess I am answering myself. How to get to that place? It takes time. Honestly. Even hard honesty. But it takes time and being patient. Yes guarding oneself and perhaps opening up a little more as time progresses.. And also especially talking about it like this. ❤

All deserve to be fully themselves, to be respected but also respect others, to live in safety, to be loved despite faults or differences. Treated the same.. And to be believed.. ❤

 

brave

11th May 2016

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Can it be easier than we think to live by the Spirit? GOD said burden light.. Yoke easy.
When I do my art. Today.. I just found things that appealed to me.. Cut words.. Or an image etc

Wasn’t trying to find something or say something specific. I found..

Rapture, heaven, angels, confidently, see, hear, two united..
All stood out and it was easy to put together. A single human hand palm opened.

Butterfly.. To me the butterfly has symbolized freedom. Light. Spirit.

When I saw the words “Live Life”.. More often than not I feel stunted.. Stuck.. Unproductive. Stalled.. Waiting..

But when one is Living life they are doing all they can.. In the moment.. Free..

Confidence is trust.. It is not necessarily knowing.. Certainly a knowledge of GOD.. But what it means re everything else..

I do not know.. It is a bit about not looking around you or even at yourself or others.. Its eyes on HIM.. Stubborness others will not be able to shake.. LOL.. They won’t be able to easily move you.. It is a rock solid thing.. You can really hone in and trust that foundation of the whole world.. You may not easily explain it. And you might look silly or be misunderstood.. But YOU are strengthened in it. You feel the strength and you know its not of you.. That is assurance..

You see things lining up and its not a natural lining up. So you can trust it. Looking up.. Rest..

Two being united means a coming together.. A joining of strength. Alignment. Hearing.. As opposed to not hearing.. Angelic assistance.. Needed.. Seeing and hearing.. Very biblical.. Heaven on earth promised and in many of my prayers and it was last years words for the year. Confidence would be that coming to pass.. Moving into that. RAPTURE.. Ecstatic joy or delight.. It sounds a culmination. Long awaited.. Timing. Dictionary says a carrying away of a person to another place or sphere of existence.
Just an altogether beautiful creative experience.. It was a book I haven’t cut out of before.. The sense of just fitting it together seemed fairly easy to do. Beautiful art to produce without physical planning.. ❤

This was a picture in a book (no copyright details) and words I cut out of same book to make my own poem.. Used aps to digitally enhance it. 

Be at Peace.. 

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 When your humanly fragile.

It’s too hard.. 

It’s humanly impossible. 

Your weakened.

Whatever has happened. 

Straw that breaks the camels back..

Something small that seems to tip the scales.

Feel the weight of everything. 

In that moment.

Could just collapse.

Give up. 

But… 

Instead.. 

You switch to auxiliary power. 

You pray with tears or anger. 

Maybe only one word.

Help!!!

For in that moment.

You just can’t.

Than it comes. 

Slowly like a blanket.

Laid gently on your shoulders.

You sense a release. 

Hope rises ever so gently in your chest. 

You breathe again.