Peace Be Still

I have not done digital art in I do not know how long, and I do not write at all these days.

I forget how easy it is to make small marks when digital drawing and if you use layers it can be frustrating trying to find exactly where the mistake is. But having multiple layers does mean you can fix things and delete things easier instead of having to restart whole sections. Although this art is simple it makes me extremely happy. It is inspired by a photo last night taken with my iPhone. The sky was so pretty. Really beautiful soft pastel colors.

It is a painting of a newly created road close to where I live. The area right now is peaceful but will soon be filled with the construction of many houses and I can imagine for a while maybe years it will be crazy busy. It is a new subdivision which was originally farmland. There are ugly type of fences around it atm but thankfully there is still full access to the horizon and I will surely miss that.

The newly constructed road has been fenced off to traffic also people, so it is fully blocked down the other end. But you can just see a few little streetlights in my painting as behind this empty land there are fully housed subdivisions already built. Originally, we were living on the very edge of town and there was only farmlands on the other side. But over the years since we moved here it has slowly succumbed to many small new house lots.

So many things about this painting resonate with my life and are meaningful to me. It has mistakes and I can’t draw trees well and it is not to scale but it speaks of peace and new possibilities.

It was such a stressful day yesterday. I lost control of my Instagram account. I was trying to help someone on there and unfortunately it was a hacker and not long after trying to help them I felt a gut feeling that something was not right and immediately said I am sorry.. Stopped and blocked them and changed all my passwords but unfortunately after doing that I couldn’t get back into the account. Thankfully I did not send anything personal to the hacker but whatever I did do to help them has ended with my account being closed to me and I cannot access it at least for now. Keanu one of my sons tried to help for hours.. At this point I am still locked out. It’s a horrible feeling.. I got acute anxiety during all this to the point it made me physically sick. My world closed in on me or so it felt… tis a horrible horrible feeling. I pray. I asked others to pray. That helped. I believe it is spiritual not just physical. I have dealt with anxiety before.

Also later in the evening I went for a walk with my dog and it helped too.. gave me some peace and I also did some digital art. This is the result. I think perhaps I just so much want for something to come out of all that has happened to me or has not been happening in my life. Sometimes when a new trial comes all the other things I have been through just sort of all crowd into my mind.. it all comes to my memory at once and I feel why, why, why? Why is this happening to me and what have I to show for it?

My art is something to show for it. And I don’t feel alone with it. I feel that sharing helps and might even help someone else.

Breaking Through

My art is called

‘Breaking Through’

Isaiah 58:8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

A couple of nights ago I woke up in the early hours.. awakened by an annoying hot flush 🔥 yes I’m at the age now 😣

I chatted to two of my children.. oldest daughter is an emergency room nurse on night shifts even on days off she’s in that pattern and doesn’t fight it.. my son has that pattern of waking at night atm.. but it was perfect timing for me.. so much love. 🥰 I’m so glad I’m a mother.. so proud of all my family.. our children are my greatest gift.. I was awake a little while.. a good time to pray & feel emotions that come..

Tears fell as they sometimes do.. I’m an emotional soul.. I can use them to pray.. empty my heart of all I feel and pray for people who need it.. they also help me find peace and strength from God..

You see I have felt for a very very long time that the truest essence of who I am and why I was created.. I have not been able to connect as I so hoped and desired with people around me.. So when I start feeling all the feels it helps to channel this into my prayers.. my faith keeps me looking up and I hope my art also shows this..

I prayed a prayer at this time for a friend who truly cares for me whom I believe God sent. I need every day support like all of us do and a friend who shares in a way I can understand. Who I’m safe with and feel heard and where I’m free to also respond back.. Moreso this is so important when I’m an introvert and deaf.

I may never see them face to face and I know we both have our struggles .. but as the tears slid down my face.. the tears that fall for the brokenness in my own life but also for the good.. I am thankful in my heart I know that I’m cared for despite all my failings and my overactive emotional side.

I used those tears for a most heartfelt prayer I prayed for my friend using my mustard seed faith.. asking God that my tears would find their way to the very throne room of heaven and help my friend in the way they need it the most.. 🕊

Maybe it was a deep and private prayer I prayed.. But I think and hope that my honesty might help other people who cry into thier pillows silent tears.. who hurt for unspoken pain.. who also like me can’t reach for the places they wish and dream for.. Or who feel broken and waiting for what they truly desire and it feels like it may never come.. Because faithwise I know what it does to you to not see the results many Christians I know have seen..

Now Faith is an assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.. Hebrews 11:1

But I can promise you that although I feel the depths of darkness at times.. I also feel and experience deep peace and I am given help to trust God for all that hasn’t come to pass.

Many do not get this peace or can go back to solid sleep.. and I know it’s hard when nobody else knows the depths of your pain.. I want you to know God knows.. I encourage you to tell him all that troubles you and find HIS peace for all that breaks your heart & for all the highs and lows of what you feel so that you would also find comfort. That there is a place to find hope and that there does come a knowing in this place that your tears and struggles will count for something even in the darkest night…

God promises us this.. 🕊🌷❤️

Simple Ordinary Persistence

I’ve sat on this digital art for days. Probably a week if I am honest..
It is where I am though so it was always going to be posted.. eventually.
I really do not see the point in being anything but honest be it simple honest.
It is a scene of my daily every day life while walking my dog. Yes in my own neighborhood.
I tend to be a person who likes things to remain pretty much the same.
I am comforted and find joy in routine even despite being a pretty routine-less person.
Walking much the same area every day with moderate changes of route here and there.
It is nice though when I walk that same way again and think of this art.
It actually thrills me because it makes me feel more a functioning part of my world and I do not always feel I have a place or purpose in this world so that to me is so important to get a sense of belonging.
It is pretty rough though this art because with this I am more into creating art that is meaningful to me then into details and trying to improve my art skills. I actually started doing this from memory not reference which I nearly always draw from so that was interesting. But to give my setting more realism I searched for the street view on google maps to make it look at least a little more the right way up . What google map shows of the street was back in time when it was incredibly dry and all the grass was brown.

Comparing the past dry conditions to all the current lushness in our area I really can be thankful for a cooler Spring with plenty of rain to keep it so bright green.

That’s one reason which has kept me from moving forward with this art or sharing it.. that same kind of dryness in my life too where any kind of creative flow is almost non existent. I am not seeing green growth in myself where I am improving or working hard on any art and I am not trying to better my situation.
But I think it is important to me that I do push on regardless and I wanted to convey that through this art.. and one way is by focusing on the colors of that day despite what lack of color I might feel currently in my personal life.
Despite a lack of energy and creative energy. I am plodding onwards.
Our weather has been more gray skies and cool weather then the warming up of weather Spring can bring.
But the growth of spring time is still very evident by all the green and it is most everywhere and that is showing the gift of much and many good rainfalls and I do not think you’d find many that would not welcome that.

I hope my art show despite the struggles I am still grateful for my life and this world.

Little dabs of colors are likened to the pockets of daily inspiration I find that keep me going forward.

I couldn’t do without those pockets of joy but yes you have to have eyes that seek it out. Even sometimes if it’s just the bright yellow flowers in the weeds growing along the way where I walk.

I added scripture because I find it easier to seek God through art expression and unlike going to church or doing it like everyone else I can fully experience my faith best when I am free in the expression of it.

Art is my way of sharing my faith and what peace and strength and help God gives me through His presence and what I choose to notice in the world around me.. I acknowledge that He is the one who lifts me up and keeps me from not giving up. It is important to me to always share what guides me through my life.
I want to be honest. I want to be real. I do have to push myself to get things done. I do have to push myself to walk daily. I do have to push myself to seek God. But I acknowledge that HE is still central in my life even as I am. And especially as I am. I do not seek perfection but I choose realness because I believe it trumps perfection.

Unafraid to show myself as I am. Persisting through my life as I am. My hope is fully found in God rather then in myself or anyone or in anything else.

The scripture was found in the study of the book ‘The Broken Way’ by Ann Voskamp that I have been very slowly and loosely reading through. I’ve been trying to read more too.. All these things.. Reading.. Art.. Faith.. Exercise they do help me.. Even sharing and writing this helps me.. Sometimes I feel that the things that we persist through.. The fact that they are hard or a struggle to do.. Perhaps are for some greater reason that is why it is important to persist.

This art is honest and anyone could create it.. Makes me feel better because its meaningful to me and yes I have had to push myself to share it as it is.

I know sometimes people will look at an art piece I’ve taken a lot of time with and they say I could never do that. I wish I could do that and you are so blessed to be able to create that. There is an admiration to perfectly or more skilled art that can leave another feeling inadequate or wishing they could do the same.
I felt the very same way as I was contemplating this art because someone else I know posted something really good art wise around the time I finished it and it made me look at this and suddenly it seemed so very imperfect and rough looking and so very underwhelming.
That is exactly why I have struggled to share it and instead been procrastinating sigh.. Because it isn’t great art. It isn’t skilled art and it really may not even show well what I am feeling.. It’s just simple art. But that is how I have humanly felt so it is time to move on-wards and stop stalling.

When I first started sharing my art on-line not many noticed it at all and I was trying lol but then as I improved more took notice because I was improving but you know it was never about that for me I just enjoy the sharing and getting feedback is always nice especially if someone says that resonates with me.. It makes you feel not so alone.

And you know looking back I might even think why on earth did I even post some of that arghh lol?!?! But here it is today on this day being just simple ordinary persistence. This is going out into the world as it is. And maybe just maybe it encourages someone else to have a go at sharing things right where they are at. How they are feeling and for them too like me.. it is honest and imperfect .. Because it is brave when there isn’t much that results from showing up but it takes all our time and strength to do so..

It does mean we DID NOT GIVE UP and that my friends.. is something!!!

And if showing up does help even one person. Then I could not ask for anymore then that..

Being Real

What is real?

Indeed. I am incredibly lazy right now. Like I could curl up and sleep the day away. I don’t know if it is depression or what. But I feel tired and blah and I am wearing a groove in my bed where I sit most of the day. I cannot walk my dog tonight as I like to do. Its been overcast most of the day probably all of the day but raining and wet this evening. Daylight savings does throw me for a bit. Its after 7pm and I haven’t eaten yet. I am eating later these evenings. I do get lonely sometimes and I just don’t feel the same joy about things some days.

I finished another digital drawing so I am making myself write about it. I do normally like writing and oh well if this writing is just for me it is just for me. I have to get over that now or I would never write again.

I drew a Velveteen Rabbit it is kind of how I am feeling but it makes me smile that it is a character from a beloved story and one that inspires people.. I think it shows something about what is helping me get through the every day and where my heart finds comfort. The Velveteen Rabbit is mentioned in the book I am currently reading.. The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp.. Which I found for 2 dollars in an op shop and I am rather proud I am reading it. I have a bad habit of buying many books and not reading them. This one according to Goodreads (an ap on my phone) 51% of the way through.. Something about logging in and updating how many pages I have read really inspires me. To update my progress this way probably helps me to keep reading too. I did say I would share some of it here on my blog and I am glad I am still doing that. Maybe I will share the link on my face book too because there are people there who do say they like my art and that makes me feel good and it helps me keep up my art.. I feel sharing is good for me because it keeps me flowing and social. I am not giving up when I share. I have never gotten to the place where an art piece is expression enough for me I like expressing how I feel in writing too.

Quotes from the book..

It’s a needed thing, to be brave. But maybe there’s a broken way of being safe enough to be real and un-okay. Maybe the bravest thing is to be real enough to say we’re broken and unbrave — and trust we’re still loved in our broken and unbrave”.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day…
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you..”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

What could happen if we weren’t afraid of passion… of suffering..

Maybe wholeness is not reaching for perfection in your life maybe wholeness is embracing brokenness as part of your life.

Trust Him in all this brokenness.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more then conquerors through him who loved us.. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.. Romans 8:35, 37-39

I am not trying to perfect my art or creating it to sell.. I am just glad I am doing it at all. And I am glad I am being transparent here it is a healing balm to my soul to express how I feel. I am being real about my every day life and it is freeing to me. I think that is what shuts me down that I have not felt free to be real and so I just kind of stop altogether with everything. But I do not want to be anything but real and maybe that has been the problem all along that I felt I couldn’t and so I didn’t.
So I think maybe just starting to be real here may be the best way for now to start getting used to it again and hopefully keep it going and going and going. 🙂

Art The Digital Way

My newest art which takes hours and I do not do it all in one go but come back and forth with it. This image is inspired by artist Casey Childs – Light and Solitude.

When I saw it I knew I wanted to have a go at trying my best to create similar. It is learning and challenging myself to get it as close to the original using digital. Obviously it will never be the same and I don’t want the same but I want to learn how to create more challenging art pieces. The play on light and dark fascinates me, how using shadows and colors you can make a flat image look dimensional. I don’t have any idea what I am doing lol I just try to create similar and learn as I keep doing more and more art.

I use procreate on my ipad and it is not an ipad pro. Just the regular size and I was so glad when they released it with the ability to use the ipencil. I used procreate oil brushes for this one created by ‘Abbie Nurse Uproot’ you can find her account on Instagram. I might add the link below my writing for anyone interested. I have never painted with real life oil paints so I cannot say I know how they work or flow onto a canvas but I love the look of oil paintings and that someone can replicate it in a digital form..

The dark room, the light bursting in, the solitary girl.. The book she is reading.. The contemplation. All so me and how I face the light no matter what. Faith wise so much this speaks of the light of God displacing the darkness.. Giving light to the face and how the words of God illuminate me and give hope.. I do not want to go too much into it because art is supposed to speak for itself. But I think in these trying times this art piece is incredibly inspiring. It is challenging for me as single woman I would much rather not be alone but this is my life and has been for so long. 11 years since my marriage separated and I have been a single woman.. ohhh.. I think this image reflects my single status quite well. You have to learn to look to other things to fill the void in your life. There is an ache for more but what can you do but create the best life where you are and as you are.

Also with the personal struggles in my life that leave me isolated and in what feels like my own little world. I have turned my focus fully to the source of all light, life, hope, peace etc.. The WORD Himself.. 🕊

I am surprised at what I can create and I really love doing art like this. Thrills me. I can do it all at home. Without all the expensive art supplies and the mess and the space you need to spread out. I want to write also that I couldn’t do my art this way without the support and generosity of my former husband. He helped me buy the ipad and apple pencil. He bought it outright and I paid him off as I could afford it and even before I finished he canceled the rest owing and I am forever grateful.. I being on a disability pension don’t have a lot extra so I may not have had this for a long long time. We have a great relationship despite being divorced. I am so thankful and our kids have lots of family times with both of us without any tension and there is freedom to be ourselves to come together as a family then go our separate ways. I thank God above because it could be so different.

Sun Rays

This is completely and purely my own digital art and poetry so I’m quite proud of that.. The Sun-rays in the art, the photo was taken close to where I live.

I signed up to a free poetry class online just recently but I went away during the time it started. At the end of 5 days you lose access to the course. I had to pay because being away I missed a few days and now I have unlimited access so I won’t miss anything. I had a look first and it has deaf captions and transcripts.. that alone encourages me plus I love poetry and writing. I decided I liked what I saw and paid the fee to access it.

I did also join a community where you can share progress etc but unfortunately it’s not been easy to access for me.. I am struggling with finding my way around it. Probably starting later I’ve missed the general flow. I can’t really find my feet there so I thought why not share here. My greatest hardship and for a long time is just finding connection with things that matter to me. I share it daily on social media and people are noticing and commenting. But I haven’t found feedback or artistic talk or any kind of deeper sharing. I share and then have to move right along alone.. often though I find it hard to converse or seek people out.. For some reason art/poetry/writing is far far easier.

Nevertheless I keep sharing..

This is a poem for day 2.. About making meaning.

Meaning is a choice. You can delve into the details surrounding you and measure the might of sacredness in each. You can make the street sign sacred if you want too. Anything can be holy.

Sun Rays

I don’t know when I first saw them.

I can’t remember noticing them ever before in the past.

But now whenever I see the light streaming down from the clouds.

I don’t feel so above.

I feel heaven is open above me.

That heaven is close and real.

I’m comforted. I’m encouraged .

I look up instead of down.

There was a time frame when every single day I walked my dog in the afternoon..

The heavenly rays of light were there.

It was miraculous.

It was personal.

I was lifted up from the difficulty of my life every time I saw them..

*****

Eternity in my Heart

I want to write. I want to write. Such a good feeling when inspiration bursts out of you isn’t it..

Exactly as my digital art is portraying today is how it feels. The original inspiration is not mine but it is all my own drawing. No tracing.. I have a coffee beside me. I feel happy and free. It is cold outside my window. Grey sky and cold air. There are bright yellow daffodils that are dancing in the wind. I love the garden outside my bedroom window.

I did have to push myself to finish that art last night.. I actually prayed. LORD this is taking so long and as I zoomed in on the digital painting there was so many pixels that were not right. Yeah the bad thing about digital art is you can zoom right in close and it’s not always pretty. I will say I am not really an artist. I don’t really know what I am doing. I haven’t done many classes or even seen a class live or sell my art. I cannot always understand what the artists I watch via the Internet are doing because often I cannot hear the instructions. I really do feel novice when it comes to following even things I can see. I am not putting myself down. Some people have gifts and talents and they just do things exceptionally well and pick it up quickly. I am not gifted.. I can do things but it is a bit hit and miss for me. I am learning and improving but I don’t feel near where I could be if the talent was already inside of me and honestly you know people notice and are drawn to talent and as nice as the people are who notice my art and I am so thankful for those who support me. My art isn’t wowing the masses and that is ok.. LOL Definitely not a natural at it. I am still so thankful for being able to share it and be free with it as I am. It keeps me going I tell you.

I prayed LORD I do not want to give up. Help me. And HE really did help me. I believe I finished enough to be personally satisfied. My youngest daughter saw it last night and liked it. My bestie in Canada said it was ‘nice’ lol.. But I like it and I am happy with it.. I see GODS hand upon me helping me because it could have been so easy to just not finish it.
Thank You LORD I see your hand on me that I got it done and your strength and power in me that I am writing today and that I feel so happy and inspired because there has been days it has been a struggle to even do the basic things. Because this art it says so much how I feel and ohh that is a miracle of sorts to get that out of me.

My life is very stay at home even before we were ordered to stay at home. Art expression is another world to me.. Helps me bring what is inside to the outer and when I share it I honestly feel like fist pumping the air it feels that good. Like my inner introvert self has become just for a moment an extrovert.

I often feel like I am in a world of my own and although in my art it is depicted as pretty art or even inspirational art.. It is because I love the world around me and it is because my art depicts my spiritual world..

I see God in the world around me and it strengthens my faith.. gives me zest for life despite difficult days. Living from my Spirit is to me more important then physical life..

So hence the flower field where the woman is standing but she is standing alone and that is significant.. The sunset is behind her and I am so thankful for sunsets, flowers, gardens and animals.. Many earthly things like that in our world are daily inspiring to me. Despite disabilities. Despite trials and tribulations there is still much beauty and comforting things around us.. I am aware of them and they help me get through this life and the life I have been given.

But I do still struggle. Quietly. I do not like to burden people with my trials. I mean I would talk their ears off lol if they gave me long enough because look at this picture. I cannot communicate easily being deaf.. I am an emotional creature and I hardly talk to anyone much and I feel so many many things. My online bestie in Canada some days, many days I struggle to think of things to say and the chat is very limited it is a miracle he stays a friend. It is hard when you do not communicate much you kind of lose the ability to say it out loud. I have all of this stuff inside me though.. And just like in my digital painting it is going to burst out.. It needs too. LOL.. And I am so thankful when I can write because that small trickle I usually have to contend with.. it gets to running a nice steady stream here. And I have to write like this despite the lack of people to read it or be around me to hear it. I have to burst out somewhere and at least this way people have the choice to read or not and I am not annoying them with a one sided blast of things I feel and think and hope etc..

Heaven is better.. Is the name of a recent heading in a daily devotion book I use not so daily.. Lol. But I have been using it sometimes.. When I have struggle days when Netflix becomes a welcome escape but still you finish watching it and there’s a longing for more that doesn’t seem to be fulfilled.

I like to imagine myself in heaven. What it would be like to step into it from this life I live. A daydream if you will. This devotion ties in nicely with this art too.

In my devotional this scripture was at the bottom of the page. ‘Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of the man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.’

1 Corinthians 2:9

A niece Kayla when she was much smaller gave me that verse years ago. I never forgot it I think it was a Sunday school project or something. Some things stick in your memory and when they resurface they encourage you.

So like my art expression encourages me.. So does dreaming of heaven.

Of imagining stepping into heaven which is like another world from this one to a place where I am not disabled, where there is no relationship drama. I mean anyone I meet there you’d have connection with.. No shame. No sadness. No one turning away from you because you were strange.. In heaven they’d all welcome you and you would relate to anyone I mean oh wow.. You would have no fear. No failure. You would never feel alone or separate to everyone else and the world would be full of love, acceptance and belonging. Warmth.. Light.. Colors but you wouldn’t be alone with it or feel alone.. And you could be fully you there in every sense. And the LORD would be there. Face to face.. Imagination is a good thing.. Light and love and beauty.. GOD with us but visible.. I found there was no rush to see HIM even stepping into heaven using imagination or funnily enough no rush to see family that have passed on already I guess even in my imagination you are aware that eternity is forever so there’s no rush.. that peace I already know here on earth is there too.

Maybe living the way I have concentrating more on Spirit I am more aware of HIM here with me and on the days I am heaven minded or spiritual minded I do not feel my aloneness and I am content as I am.
I love how the mind and spirit can be at peace even as you imagine. Heaven inside seems to burst out of me here on this page. I feel so happy right now. Even though truthfully there are nights I have cried for a human to love me and be beside me and cried because my heart longs for meaningful connections. The physical world and spiritual world are so different. Polar ends to each other yet our spirit lives in our body.. Fascinating when you think of it.

Yet despite limitation’s and frustrations in my physical world.. My Spirit is content even as I am when I live from it. Otherworldly power at work that lifts your mind, heart, emotions upwards which draws you away and apart from all the lower things and you will notice that earthly things and concerns seem not to matter at all. The things that might confuse, sadden, rob, destroy you and even as amazing as the physical world is.. there is as God says much much more to come..

Higher life and more amazing life to live IS possible than even I can imagine.

I hope my thoughts, my spirit, my art.. God experienced through my imperfect self encourages you right where you are.. Eternity is not just for when we die..

It is within us and at our work in us.. even now.

Conner Sam

Conner is number 5 child in our family. Counted in human terms as our 4th born child on earth as baby Tyler who was officially born fourth is in heaven now. He has always been pretty special because I gave birth to him just shy of 1 year after the loss..

Having a healthy little baby after losing a baby it is life changing in more ways then one ; everything is heightened. I am starting to tear up just thinking about it. I’ve always had a habit of calling him Conner Sam though he doesn’t particularly like being called that so I don’t use it generally but only here as it’s meaningful to me. Samuel is his second name named after Tyler Samuel who is in heaven. Conner and Tyler are for me forever entwined together. I was pregnant 4 months after the loss.

I started this digital painting back in 2019 and hadn’t finished it, which is like a lot of things in my life. I shared it online half done back in August 2019 because I just love sharing things and can’t always wait to do so.. And sometimes the hope is that it will spur me on by sharing early to get it done. Obviously that didn’t work in this case lol.

Finally finished it today. I haven’t changed it too much, and I probably didn’t even use the same digital procreate brush to finish it because I can’t remember which one I originally used so that might make the art not look so good and not flow. I just wanted to finish it and its meaningful to me and really that is all that matters. The art was created more for me personally then anyone else. Of course I hope Conner and the family like it.

Conner is aged 22 at this current time of writing and has recently moved out of my home and it makes sense to finish his digital painting now. He is on my mind.

Yesterday we visited him and his older brother at their house which isn’t too far from here. They now live together first time in many years since Keanu moved out of home when he was at High School. I was having some trouble with getting him to school. I asked his dad if he could help me with him.

He had previously had a dose of Glandular fever and missed a bit of school probably a month in all. But I wasn’t very successful to get him moving and back into the rhythm of life again as I was a single mother with 4 at home and still getting used to life without their father Justin around.. Life was pretty hard back then after a marriage break up.. so I needed his fathers help and support. I never intended him to move out permanently but he went to stay with his dad for a bit and never returned full time with me. He has explained since that he felt his Dad needed someone seeing we all were living together and his dad was alone.. Although it hurt me for him to not come home again.. I love that Keanu was thinking so much about his dad.. I can appreciate the sentiment much better now.

That was back in 2010 maybe cause Keanu was in his final years of High School.. year 11 I think.. And the two brothers have been separate ever since. I mean they did stay with their dad together when Zali and Conner did weekeneds with their Dad and also here and there with each other but not full time. I think they both will enjoy being together cause that is what Keanu says is the best thing about his new house.. Being with his brother full time.

I only have one child at home now. Zali is 19 and doing uni studies plus she works a job too.

It is hard saying goodbye. Having lived with Conner 22 years. I mean with the loss of baby Tyler, break up of the marriage etc… I find it extra hard to see them move out but happy at the same time to see them moving on with their lives.

I want to share just a little story that happened yesterday. I think that sums up how proud I am of Conner and what sort of young man he has become.

I went to visit him with Zali who is learning to drive. Any trip we do she needs the driving practice and it helps to add up her 120 hours of driving needed before she can do the exam to become a fully qualified driver.

While I was there at the new house, it was mid morning and there was no heating on. The house was a bit cold. Conner went and got me a blanket to cover me as I sat in his lounge. Plus made me a cup of coffee.. Oh my.. So kind and considerate makes me emotional.. Also bought me lunch when Zali and I drove both brothers into town to get some things they wanted and groceries they needed. Neither of the boys drive or own a car so I am happy to run them around.

If I have done any good raising Conner.. Raising my children and I say that from a mothers point of view. If I have raised them to be kind and considerate people. I think I have done my job well..

I love this young man. I love his gentle spirit and although I miss him around the house. I know he is happy and in a lovely home. And I am proud of him. He has in recent years struggled with his mental health and after leaving school finally after years of not being able to get a job and the frustration that comes with that.

Conner landed a few hours/shifts a week where his sister works but unfortunately they laid him off over the covid virus and how it has affected the way businesses run. Which was really disappointing for him..

It was so good to see him getting up to go to work, saving for things and being able to hold a steady job and they say he was doing well there. I believe he can and will experience that again hopefully soon..

If you happen to read this Conner.. I am very proud of you and the young man you have grown up to be.. And love you very much and I hope this art shows you how important you are to us your family and especially to me your mother and that I think the world of you and always will.

In Peace Will I Lay Down And Sleep

In peace I will lay down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Ps 4:8

This digital art work makes me feel really good. I showed the kids last night and they knew it was a representative of myself. Well they said it was me.. But I am not that skinny lol and I use creative license.. I sleep under the covers most times but I am making myself vulnerable here so you see the whole of me as I am.

I want to keep my art expression real as I want my whole life to be. I spend a lot of time in my bedroom and on this bed. Sitting or sleeping.

The main reason for this art piece is not just a kind of selfie I want to share an experience of the divine while sleeping\resting on this bed. I want to be vulnerable in the telling because that is who I am. I want to show myself as I am, where I am and how I am but also I do pray that in the vulnerability you see something more then just me.

The other night I was lying in my bed much like this with my things on the bed beside me and yes I have creative license to make it look the way it looks. To be honest there is usually more stuff then that on my bed and can be in piles in my room around my bed. I have become more of a hoarder in my older years.

My phone and ipad are usually very close to me always. My phone particularly and not for phone calls but to text and keep in touch with the world through social media and I use it for so many things as well as reading and looking at art of all kinds. This bed is the same bed I have slept in since we bought it in 2000 or thereabouts after coming home to Victoria from Western Australia. We had to furnish a whole house and needed a bed. Queen size and I used to share it with my husband and can you believe its been 10 years since I was married.

So it has not always been a happy place to lie in as a single woman because I miss someone beside me. To snuggle up to at night. Being in this bed I am reminded of the past and what I do not have. I feel my aloneness. My singleness. So the other night as I lay here with all my stuff and those thoughts come.. When you ponder where you are in life. How you are feeling. What has happened to you to get you to this point. I was painfully aware of being single. Being deaf and on disability and living with limited means. Of living in a shared house. Of frustrations to be myself amongst close relationships. Of my body aging.. I was aware of my introversion. The struggle to be motivated…. Etc.. And as anyone would know the list goes on.. You lie there and lay your life or lack of life out in your mind and yes lol most of the hardest and most difficult parts are premiering.. My head was reeling with all my lacks and frustrations.

But wonderfully and the absolute reason for this whole sharing is I was also incredibly aware of a deep sense of peace within. I have felt this before. Once years ago leaning against a toilet door around that danger time of 5:30 ish for a parent when you’ve got a house full of kids and they all want you but you have a full evening before you can relax and rest up. I think there was even little hands trying to get in under the crack of the door.. Trying to find me.. I realized that I still had energy and was still going even though in those days I used to stay up way too late and Justin worked so much and we had struggles with each other even back then.. I recognized that peace and that I was being helped despite myself and it had nothing to do with me.

Another experience was during the time baby Tyler was ill and in ICU in hospital. It was during a very stressful and difficult time in my life when I wanted to escape into music that normally would make me cry and release emotions but I couldn’t cry and I didn’t know why but it was that peace within that kept me calm and still and when the realization came it is an incredible moment like you are suddenly face to face with God and all those hard things just sort of melt away.. And so again I was just suddenly transfixed by it and still am incredibly comforted yes in this bed as I am with all that I have experienced in my life. The thing about this peace is once you have experienced it you do not forget it and it can help you again when you remember!!! You instantly recognize that it is other worldly well at least I do.. HE himself has said it surpasses our understanding.. I think tribulations make it even more recognizable.

This peace comes again despite me and I would be remiss to say I have not contributed to how I am but I do not take credit for this peace. Much has happened to me out of my control, other things I just don’t work at changing. Other things again I just accept and some might call it laziness and I can be very lazy, others might say depression or a giving up. I don’t label it but I know that I have lost a lot of energy for much and live pretty basically and do minimal rather then maximum. I concentrate on spiritual rather then flesh.

This peace is not due to great faith I would not say I have great faith. I have faith yes. I acknowledge God yes. But I do not live as a majority who I know profess faith and live. I do not pretend to be someone I am not. But I believe and know God with me. I do not follow people or go to a weekly place of worship perse but look to God where I am and as I am and that can be 24\7 but not all the time it is rather I am aware of HIM always HE is the reason for everything. This peace is just so deep and so beautiful and again I HAVE to share it. I don’t even think of the fact that maybe few if anyone will read it though for peace sake I hope everyone does because this would help anyone whose life is difficult and how much does our world need peace.

Maybe the art will be seen simply because its colorful and stands out on social media and it might attract attention. People seem to notice art much more then writing but unless you know my heart the art is just a pretty bright digital art piece and oh LORD I hope my heart where you dwell is seen and people might want to think about you or find you. Amen and amen..

I truly hope others would find this peace and it isn’t to do with me. I do pray but its spasmodic. It isn’t cause I am any special kind of person because I am not. But that peace which is HIS presence is with us all you need do is to be aware and seek HIM for his sake HE says seek and you will find.

If I kept focusing on the troubles it be easy to be depressed because its been such an impossible struggle to live as I believe and share my heart which is my way in the world. To be even able to communicate normally and deeply when the world isn’t that way then being deaf on top its a cruel and difficult thing. I shared my heart with a loved one not long ago, no response as yet and that happens so much. I even wrote to them answer only when you can but I wonder you know why someone who says they love me as I am has no answer even if its to say well I need time or to think or I have no answer . I give people that option now not to respond not that I don’t want them too I do but I would rather feel more apt to invite non response then have it happen anyway and just live on as if that is normal. Such is my life.

That I do experience peace when I cannot communicate normally and struggle with it and there isn’t much coming back to me is incredibly affirming because I have not had to do anything special to receive it.. Bless God.. I feel so loved, so valued even as I am and especially as I am. I just look to HIM as I am that’s it. I talk to HIM as I am that’s it. I do find comfort in some scriptures which is HIS word to us. I have many that I know off by heart and I can thank my upbringing and many faithful Christians for teaching me to memorize it and store it in my heart.

It is this one that comforted me on my bed the other night.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 this is the King James Version because that is what I know..

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed but not in despair. Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

We are troubled on every side not distressed.. Makes me tear up.. Not distressed.. Because HE is with us.. HIS peace is perfect despite our imperfections and it comes to us right where we are.

I want to show myself in my pj’s I often stay in them for hours.. I love reading.. Writing.. Art.. Watching TV series and discussions and people speaking and living as their characters and in other worlds, true life stories and documentaries.. because I can read every word via deaf captions.. I feel like I am in the world again because they are living and loving and breathing, there is give and take..sharing back and forth and I can understand every word!!! I do not feel condemned doing art, watching TV, using social media and keeping a blog. Sharing my heart and my faith because that makes me happy and free and I am feeling a part of the world and we are supposed to share our faith. So even as an introvert with my things around me.. I am aware of HIS love and HIS abiding peace and I feel held. I just want everyone that feels different or struggles in this world to know that GOD loves you and will help you through all that batters your soul and HE can give you help within to live despite frustrations on every side.

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Deep Speaks to Deep

Took my time with this one I may not get through many of the Advent words in the list I’m very loosely following.. I do find it hard to stick with something and I have many unfinished art pieces to back that up.

Today’s word is Creator.. I was watching a wild life documentary and incredibly beautiful whales were swimming.. A drone captured the whales from directly above and oh my it’s what inspired this art but I couldn’t get a good photo off the TV..

I searched for an image.. and loved one I found with sun rays streaming down.. Which have been my ‘thing’ and one of the ways I’ve felt and seen God in my world.. There was a period of time when they appeared in the sky almost every time I walked.. it was phenomenal really but I don’t think anyone else really noticed this though I did post quite a few photos on social media during this time..

Most of the things that encourage me are usually just things I see daily that might only seem to be for me.. such things keep me going and although I do share so many times I’m one of the only ones really enthusiastic about it..

I didn’t trace I haven’t for awhile now.. drawing ✍️ everything myself and of course digitally it’s easier to try and retry until it looks the way you want..

God is the mighty creator of every creature and I guess it makes you think more on the wonder of creation when you create your own art.. I love love love deep things.. so the deep of the ocean where these beautiful whales are swimming up towards the light resonates with my soul.. the light beams that are HIS presence and glory and yet there they are in the depths which often I’ve experienced personally as well..

I’m AMAzed even myself with this art and I kept putting it down while working on it thinking to myself.. I don’t think I can get it right.. it’s too much work. it takes too long.. but I did keep at it. And love what I’ve created.. it’s different to the photo so even though it’s inspired by the original photo it’s not the same. I love how my creative spirit actually over takes me and helps me with how to do it and gives me ideas as to what might work.. And either though I do not know what I’m doing lol I am actually doing it..

We know environmentally world wide oceans are feeling the devastating results of pollution, the greed of mankind and the effects of global warming and whales are often hunted and it’s absolutely heart breaking. The darkness of the earth was in my mind too as I did my art.. and how I resonate with that fear of what is happening to our planet and for us as mankind re pollution and how mankind’s greed affects us all and how we prefer to destroy rather then care..

But as an artist soul you take such care when you create and it opens your heart and eyes to more of the small details… so you know that you know that you know that God the most awesome Creator of all.. Has put so much attention to detail into our world that of course He isn’t just idly sitting by and letting it all go to waste.. HE truly loves and cares for us all.. and He has always had a plan in action and we do good to dwell on that at this time of year.. Advent reminds me of the divine glory of creation and even more the absolute perfection of the earth as it was at the beginning and still we can see that beauty even now in our world.. The Master Creator and Designer has not abandoned us. We can rest when we look up to the light.. that He will take care of everything if we can keep our minds stayed on Him and live by our Spirit.. We have to keep looking up, do what we can do and treasure our world and value ourselves and the creatures and ask Him for guidance along the way.. We can trust HIM with the future..

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