I really, really, really, really want to…
You can get so bogged down in survival. Even seems a ridiculous word to use in every day life doesn’t it. But that is what we do daily. Go through the motions. Day in and day out, a sort of hard slog and no wonder it feels heavy and burdensome. Feel like the sky is always gray and the road is always uphill. We forget to dream. We think it’s wrong somehow. Yet every night there are dreams in our heads as we lie fitfully in our bed. They come whether we wish it or not. Yes they can be nightmares. They can seem stupid or pointless but they still come. For a long time I didn’t recall them but I am more aware of dreams I have nightly except that very soon once I wake the content of what I dreamed about fades away.
Why do we humans feel so guilty to enjoy our lives? To find a little respite here and there to help make our journey more bearable. A couple of times I really do believe God gave me gifts to help me fill in the time. Raising children you can be stuck in the home, you can get lost in daily chores and running back and forth but not really going anywhere. There were a few times I have been given access to lots of books. When I was knee deep in raising young children I lived in a remote town where there is not a lot of places to go. I used to do a weekly bible study group with other ladies. The Lady who led the group was a missionary. She had a bookstore in her home. Helped make some money to support their work but also to provide materials for local people. Often people would send her things to help their family and to help those of us that they gave their lives to minister too and at one time someone sent a huge shipment of books.
Pam set them up in a library for free borrowing. I hungrily took advantage of reading probably most of them and listening to sermons on cassette that was back when I could hear much better. I really felt blessed because it helped me survive raising children which is wonderful but can be so tiresome. Like an escape, a way to learn when you are not getting much feedback and your body is exhausted but your mind is alive and starving for more of something. Husband was at work all day and too tired most night to do much talking. And you are stuck with kids all day lol. Books helped immensely. I thanked God for those moments when the children were asleep or at school or for a snatch here and they were contented and not fighting or making a mess. I was so very blessed with babies and young children who slept all night except for times of sickness.. I think from 6 weeks old every baby slept all night.
Two years ago or thereabouts it happened again.. A friend of the family gave me 5 or 6 huge bags of books to do whatever I wanted with because she didn’t need them anymore. I did actually give some away because there was no way I could read them all. But I remember I did take a deep sigh you know when she gave them to me. I thought ohh I am in for a huge chunk of time where God knows that I will need occupying lol. And yes as my children in this stage of life are growing up I have more time. Being disabled here in Australia I do not have to work I’m on a pension and am home an awful lot, and every weekend the children go to their Fathers so I am alone on weekends. These books comfort me that God cares about me and about my having something to fill in my time. I enjoy reading so I see that God cares about us being happy and enjoying our lives and I really do not feel that He expects humans to be busy always working. That it is OK to rest and not just sludge through life. Books and stories help me dream they help my mind stay alive when sometimes I feel lonely and can just shut down. I can be comforted by the characters and getting lost in the stories.
Yes I do not have to feel so damn guilty for filling in time that sometimes seems to swallow me up. Our society is ALL about productivity unfortunately and it shocks me these days when very very young children are pushed out into the world and it’s all so much about stimulation and learning that I think play time, dreaming and fun must surely be things we seem to frown upon. I mean everything seems so darn controlled, regimented, something to slot in on our time tables. Well not my life lol. But even so I still feel that pull on me. That I am worthless because I DO NOT live like the majority. It’s like please do not waste your life dreaming. You need to produce something with your life, do do do.
Dreams come and go but they lift you up. Make you hopeful. Gives you beautiful thoughts and daydreams that dance in your head. Your body might age. Kids grow up. You might be alone a lot but stories can fill your heart and mind with life inducing dreams.. I don’t think your spirit ever ages. It makes life beautiful, bearable and fun once again.
We are fund raising for our youngest daughter who is 14. It’s a very humbling experience.
Since we set up a ‘Go Fund’ account last night we have already raised $90! Most of the donations from young people! Two being my own kids! Blown away really. I had no idea people would be so open to help..
Has seemed impossible to raise the funds needed. Zali has an optional trip to Japan for year 10 next year. I think only 25 students can go so limited spaces available. Through Ballarat High School. She has been learning Japanese since Year 7 now in Year 9. She has wanted to attend this for quite some time. She has had good reports from teachers that she should keep continuing to learn as she has been doing so well. One of the top students in her class over the years.
I admit I have not had as much enthusiasm or faith for it. Ticket alone is $3,800! Plus that doesn’t include all meals?!? So she has been selling chocolates, we are presently selling 2nd hand items etc and now this fund raiser thing. They take a proportion for using their service.. something like 6% of the overall funds raised. I have no idea if we will make our target but in less than one day we have seen family and friends sharing, donating and supporting us..
Over the years my kids have missed out on various excursions and other things simply because with a family of 5 kids we didn’t have the money. Currently not one of my kids has complained that Zali has the possibility to go to Japan when they have all missed much lesser costing excursions.. all have rallied around her and its a beautiful thing for a parent to see.. so proud of all our children!
Link added here..
Zali’s Japan Trip
.. if anyone desires to support my daughter I say a huge thank you .. well actually your supporting us all. I can’t afford this for her but her dad, family and I will all be adding as much as we can till next year which isn’t that long away.. I am so thankful for means like this to raise funds.. to see the support growing it really is a heart touching and unifying thing.. especially in a world that seems so dark and dismal right now.. I am praying for world peace.. for all around the world who have lost loved ones in wars, terrorist attacks and those who are working to bring order to our world.. I pray our world unites as one..
Two things are on my heart right now.. Divorce.. and keeping things “Personal”.. I bracketed that word because that is who I am.. I like to be honest and open and I am created needing to share things.. I don’t have a great deal of people I talk about things too.. So for me writing.. journalling.. diaries and social media are a way to get things out of my insides.. My voice so to speak.
A friend wrote on her face book recently how we need to keep things personal private. I don’t agree speaking about myself and I wrote some of what I feel in response. Obviously each to their own but its not fair to blanket approach everyone the same. Specially with a platform as popular as “Facebook”.. Now probably some people do indeed say too much or talk too personally and you do have to be careful especially when you are referring to others in our sharing. I have myself got into trouble there.
But in a world that is slowly or quickly becoming less personal I think being ourselves is more crucial than ever before.. Now I am open that is me.. and I realise others are not.. But that shouldn’t mean I cannot be me just because others are not comfortable.. If people don’t want to read then don’t. Thats where I find a blog is great.. though it isn’t easy.. I have children online who have access and many friends and family.. Do I want to personally share things and have everyone I know read it? Well I do link blog posts to Facebook but that’s me.
Sometimes there is a fine line as to what actually can be said.. but it certainly makes you creative because I will still write knowing it could be read by many I know and it does make me think about how I come across!!
I have not thankfully lost too many people.. meaning people befriend me because I am offending them.. there has been a few family members which is very hard and a few others. But mostly most have accepted me for who I am and what I share. Probably less now respond than ever before but it’s not about responses I am learning more just to be me and this is me!
I do appreciate people being open and truthful and especially brave hearts that open up and be who they really are without fear of being rejected and taken the wrong way.. I like quirky!
I also mentioned divorce above.. I have been reading an autobiography and the author when writing (1996) was happily married a long time and had at the time been with the same man since a teenager.. I did a check online which I now wish I hadn’t at least not yet – Wikipedia – and found out they are now divorced.. I am so sad.. Of course I don’t know the details but in the book they seem happy and inseparable.. I guess my own divorce a few years ago still deeply affects me.. I am surprised at the intensity of my feelings over reading about this marriage breaking.. To me marriage should be for life.. Love forever.. I still believe in it. But divorce happens.. Still so sad.. I have a bit to go in the book so maybe I have destroyed my chances at enjoying the rest of the book.. I have been so enjoying the love between this couple.. The woman is a celebrity and that they had a long happy marriage was exciting to me.. Sigh.. I wonder how it will change the story that I am reading knowing this now?
It affects you every day.. He is one place I am another.. Kids two homes.. Life has majorly changed going from married to single.. Your future was ahead of you to raise kids and age with someone beside you.. Now it’s divided homes and ???? as to the future.. Everywhere you see a family you are reminded of what you no longer have.. Everything is different.. All that you have are memories.. You still have dreams but now they have to change and I have not ever found a new dream.. You still love at least I do.. But unreciprocated feelings left inside to fester.. I pray.. I cry sometimes.. I hope.. I wonder.. I trust.. I open my heart and keep feeling and keep believing…