Tag Archives: vulnerability

Shadow Self

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What keeps me going is what the world calls coincidence but I call GOD moments.

Today an extremely personal art piece because of one of these so called GOD moments. Perhaps the most personal piece I have ever done. I want to be completely free and I’m always moving towards that.

Free in every way possible and being honest, brutally honest seems to be the only way to be free and to rise above things that keep me bound or make me believe I am bound.

This link is to a free offering called.. Into the Shadow part 1. Where you can find information on the why.. It is a free course offered this month of April 2018 by Tracy Algar. I am in a face book group she runs and this course is being shared there.

It’s where I found myself earlier today simply having a look at the art others had posted and found it encouraging. I then decided to grab some magazines here at home and do some collage art unrelated but inspired by what I had been looking at.

So as I began looking for things to cut out I randomly found an article on the very same thing I had just been reading in her course!!!! Coincidence or what!?! Call it what you will. But I take these things as neon arrows that this has relevance for me.

I decided to have a go at my own ‘Shadow’ piece but chose instead oil pastels to create it.

Often I am feeling a plethora of feelings but not always knowing how to articulate them or even what direction to go for in prayer to God to help me with it. Art is a way to sort through and express my heart at the deepest level.

When I look at this piece below what am I thinking? I feel much more honest than I’ve ever been before. I seem to focus on faces more than any other thing and have for awhile now. Obviously being a deaf person my eyesight is a major thing and I need to be close to others to understand them. Faces to me are about intimacy and particularly so being a loner of sorts, a single parent and often am on my own now that the children are growing up. My art seems to be focused more often than not on a solitary figure because that’s where I’m at.

Face to face thing is imperative. I need to be in anyone’s face to communicate in any way but also I think I am frustrated and angry that it’s hard to communicate and such a struggle all the time to find a willing face to communicate with at the same level.. Face to face communication is actually rare for me these days so there is more of an urgency to be in your face if that makes sense.

My heart another huge factor in my life. If its not a heart thing I am not really interested in it or lose interest in it quickly. I am drawn very much to truth and people who speak from the heart no matter how different they might be from me.

Emotions are precious and beautiful to me and I am a ‘feelings’ person so my art is going to reflect that. But I do feel more a loner for it too because most people I am associated with do not share intimately or like I do so I feel alone because I need too and everyone else around me does not. So I do tend to hold it in when I’m with anyone which is not good for me or I freak someone out when it seems to pours out without end in sight..

With few to share it with or who I feel wish to be hear it and not many around that are likewise yeah I get stuck with it and it can keep me blocked or it’s simply easier to dwell in my own little world to cope with it..

But also unfortunately my heart has been damaged by life, feeling isolated.. by people who don’t try to get me but also I consider it to be mostly damaged by being my vulnerable self in a way that is an absolutely necessity for me and yet for the most part is speaking to thin air and that feels plain weird.. I am acutely aware of this void around me.. It is my hardest battle and it IS NOT FOR ATTENTION I talk about it but I consider it necessary for SURVIVAL. I have had to fight for a place like a little bird squawks loudly if it wants to thrive. Only my squawking is done with my art now lol and there are days I don’t do it.

Being quiet and in any way half hearted or not true to myself I feel crippled and that has severed me from even myself and keeps me from wanting to be in the company of most anyone. I truly do not see any real reason to exert myself in the world or with anyone if I can’t relate or be relative to anyone else. Art just for myself no thank you. Please don’t suggest that cause it’s strange just like talking to oneself all the time is strange. I can’t communicate with another person like you can. If you don’t get that you never will get me.

I disconnect from the world to survive this and I find my own way through. It’s why I write so much here.. pour myself into it for hours.. It’s probably a couple of months worth of conversations you’ve enjoyed every day but I’ve missed out on..

The severed head is really a savage way to speak my rawest truth that I’ve felt decapitated by feeling unless I do it your way I’m wrong.. Suffering disconnection when others around me have not realised I need them to value me and accept me as I am how I am. That being who I am is not an evil thing. The evil thing is not facing the world in a way where I’m free to be me.

My emotions are who I am. I cannot survive if I do not express them. Yes I realise even doing this that I need to stop shrinking because of what people think or how they function. But I should hardly apologise for needing people. I just need them differently to you..

We all.. human and creature need each other but we all have different ways to need each other. I need to speak honestly and I also need to know I’m seen & heard sometimes even if I’m not understood. I realise though that I have to stop feeling wrong for doing so period.

It’s a very dark world if I am expected to live without sharing from my heart. I did not draw in my ears because I can’t hear and I do not focus on what I cannot do.

My eyes are actually closed in this for that is how I appear to the world who will not see my heart and that can be people who should know me better but don’t go beyond the surface. I will look different to them. But they will not be focusing on the truth of me at all.

My reality is that my eyes are wide open and I have nothing to hide. I thought of the scripture the eyes are the window to the soul and it may not be very clear in this art but the whites in my art first started as flesh than I coloured them with yellow. The whites of my eyes are now yellow in this piece. I feel people think I am ill instead of seeing me as a living, feeling, breathing spiritual person. But I am actually lit from within because of HIM and Spirit is where I live majorly from (where HE is). I believe that if majority see only my flesh they miss out on me almost completely so to them I’m disconnected or broken.

Yes I need to see myself differently. I will say that even though my heart has been broken it will never extinguish my Spirit thankfully so I have surrounded my heart with yellow to symbolise that.

My cheek shows a rosy colour! Pink is my emotions. My mouth is upturned to more a smile than frown. My eyes are open. My tears help me release emotions don’t ever be afraid of them. I’m looking straight ahead. I am focused. I live from my heart and spirit. My brokenness does not stop me. HE is with me. HE is life, hope, health & strength in my weakness.

It is with complete fearlessness that I share my most vulnerable self with you. People around me have failed me as I know that I have failed others when I am only a shadow of myself. I will remain hidden to anyone who does not see my heart because that is my truest self.

I am not begging or hiding here or ashamed. It is with boldness and vulnerability I reveal my shadow self and raw naked soul with it. Spirit is my realm and where my Spirit is.

I am.

Any arguments. HE created me take it up with HIM.. 😊❤️🕊

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Confession time

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DIG DEEPER: What do you perceive are your greatest limitations at the moment? They don’t necessarily have to be related to writing. What’s getting in your way of your fullest expression and your daily practice?

For the longest time I have been amassing a plethora of art and creative supplies to the extent it’s become an embarrassing habit. Only so many books you can read right? Only so many DVD’s you can watch? I was given bags of books and I have downloaded heaps of free e-books as well but I also head to second hand stores pretty regularly and I just find myself buying more things from time to time.

I am not reading near enough to continue doing this? I am not doing enough art to use all the creative bits and pieces I have collected though I do notice artist types are collectors. I just seem to have an insatiable hunger for surrounding myself with it and finding more and buying more. It seems that no matter how helpful a book might be or how much I want to read and study and learn from writers and artists and inspirational artifacts. Soaking it in indeed does feed my soul. I am just as soon looking for the next book, supplies or e-course and getting obsessed with researching it and reading reviews and buying it etc. The usage of it falls much lower on the list than finding it.

I think it started when my life got difficult. Art via expression and reading books fills in huge chunks of time that being deaf has left me with. Being lonely as a single mother and isolated when I find it difficult to communicate with others. My confidence shriveled away and when there isn’t many people to talk with and listen too you find other things to do and help you cope. I have tried to offload as I go along. I do bag up occasionally unused things and put them back into charity bins. I would be crowded in my bedroom if I didn’t do that. More and more I have clutter here and there in my bedroom.

My bedroom is my safe haven. My comfort space. My go to place. Creative portal. I am happy in my introverted world.

BUT…

I also wish I could stop and use what I have and be honest with myself about what I really will not use. Read the books I have and keep reading them. Instead of search and seek for more. I do not know why I think I need more? I do not know why the addiction? I do not know how to stop that. I know when I am looking at things I am thinking.. I just bought a book it’s not even read yet? Why am I looking at this? Especially when new things lose their appeal quite quickly and only some are used enough. I think it’s like an addiction. Always seeking for that high that comes from getting something new but when you get it, than you need that high again. I do not know. Perhaps I have thought to myself. Some of these things are second hand so its not expensive. It doesn’t hurt to buy this.. It’s a bargain!

It limits me because I am easily distracted even moreso instead of using my time and resources more wisely and getting much more done. Like a hoarding thing. When I go to get rid of stuff it’s not easy to part with things. I can forget what I bought and pick up something only to have my daughter say. Mum you already have that. Very embarrassing I can tell you. 

I get overwhelmed thinking of all the things I have to use and enjoy and you don’t get to enjoy it at all when your busy collecting more. Need one of these and one of these to do that but when you get them you don’t even do that. You think of something else that you don’t have and your focus is on that other thing. Not a nice cycle. It’s not a nice thing to admit.

All this is happening and time is passing by.

Out of habit in the doing and using and producing therefore not enjoying the fullest potential in my creative life. Wastage. It’s not nice to say it but it needs to be said. It is uncomfortable to read it and maybe even MORE uncomfortable to share it publicly but I think you cannot change or see the need to change or work on something if you can’t see you have a problem to address in the first place..

Things have come to me as I walked away from the keyboard and thought on this subject some more.
There has been a void in my life. All of this above helped filled in the gap. I have used my art and expression to help communicate myself out in the world and to inspire myself to keep going. My creative life shares my faith and how God has helped me through. I just have to use the blessings and skills and knowledge I currently possess and be honest with all I do not need and trust that I know the difference and can let go of the need to hoard.

People say God should be enough. But we are not created to be on our own and I often speak about this because people have no idea how difficult life can be when you feel physically alone so much and you can be happy but sad about it at the same time. God himself said it is not good for man to be alone. I haven’t always been motivated or known how to best use my talents and I don’t naturally flow without prompting and stirring up my spirit. Lack of direction has not helped either but sticking to things does bring rewards and you get better at it. I need to set myself goals and not be afraid that I can produce and be happy in the doing.

Some people can just get up and go. They find it hard to sit still but I find it a challenge not to sit still. I am easily a lazy sod.

One thing I tell myself before I sign up to another course. Buy another book etc.. Is that this will one will be my turning point. The things learned, the skills taught, the wisdom gained. I will commit myself fully to doing it, reading it and these things will give me the tools and means to express myself better at the other end. I’m reassuring myself that another purchase and possession will be the best thing I need to go forward more confidently and just stick to a different more productive life. That this very thing will be the catylyst. 

Unfortunately no matter how determined I might be before buying or signing up. I am searching again not long after and not following through.

  

Too much or too little 

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Have you ever been perceived as “too sensitive,” or as “having too many issues”? Have you perceived others as such? Recall and explain…


Ah yes. Drama queen. Called Bi-polar even though I’ve never been diagnosed with it. Too soft. Too emotional. Transparent. Too open. Heart on the sleeve..

All these I’ve been called. Never do I say that about others though because I long to know I’m not the only one and I welcome anyone who is the same. There just isn’t many of us at least in my circles.

Just about everything I write is deep and meaningful. I mean I have embarrassed myself many times because I just burst inside to share and than have said it and more on social media publicly. 

You know I’m not the same as I once was. Which is good in a way but also bad. Because in recent times when I want to be that same person again and bring up the stuff inside that has been building up and for so long. It has not been easy to get it out of me. I tend to just talk it out to myself. That’s a sign of craziness!

You get shut down enough times and lose people to talk too and pretty soon the ability to stay vulnerable and open is much harder and I’ve found it almost impossible to fight against the ‘why am I doing it in the first place?’.

I’m a believer in God which is one reason I share because I couldn’t do this without HIM but there has been plenty of reasons for me to give this faith up altogether because it’s been so hard except I’m bloody stubborn and set in my ways. I do believe HE uses all this but I do question it.. All the troubles and trials have done a good job to shut me down for the most part.

This vulnerability thing has been my lot in life for 1/2 of it and I’ve found it easy to do.. But it has not been happening like it used too. There is just so many around me who don’t say much personally at all. If I do share openly I stick out like a sore thumb. Called crazy. Mentally ill or careless and people can close up to you all the more. It’s just not discussed. 

I’ve been blank and stuck it has felt like for years. And I just don’t have enough support around me and poor social skills. I don’t have the encouragement. I don’t have a wealth of life experiences to delve into. I have felt I’ve got nothing to give. Basically been reclusive and house bound for years. There are a handful of people who’ve been available. I also dropped out of the religious circle and that pretty well closes the door to all of those people who you once freely met with. They just don’t acknowledge you like they used too and if you say your struggling they say you don’t have any faith? Line in the sand kind of thing. Their side and the side your now on?  I have to say when life gets impossible that it is than faith is all you do have! Not relying on people or the infrastructure people call “faith”. It’s for me the real deal! 

There is a lot of other lacks in my life. Lack of people. Lack of going anywhere and rubbing shoulders with anyone. I’m almost deaf so it’s lack of hearing too and the contact I have with the outside world is much less than it has ever been before. Lack of confidence. Nothing can come from nothing. I’ve been really low. So I KNOW I’m not running on anything human. 

Social media has been a salvation of sorts because you are basically free to say what you want. Truly has been a life line. Many times I haven’t had any other choice. You pray and speak to God unseen or the unseen and un-commenting masses on social media.

And when I first started the social media journey I added a lot of people. Unlike many who have periodical friend clean outs I still have a lot of contacts just not close ones. 

Not one person comes to me physically. But in this I have 100% freedom to do whatever I like when I’m not raising kids and keeping house. 

Internet is the means to share openly 24/7 online and I’m connected to hundreds and they are connected to hundreds and it just keeps going. You can meet people all over the world and that is powerful if you think about it. But if no one seems to notice you and your confidence is low it’s a pretty big door slamming in your face on a mega scale of doors slamming in your face. Silence via lack of comments is brutal.

Isn’t this amazing though I’ve started talking about being too much which I have been and while I’ve addressed it and shared about how my life has been I’ve gone completely the other way!!!

I don’t know what to say except that the inside me can still be too much. I know when I do get rare moments when someone listens to me and I get the chance to open up it can just all pour out. My kids are like mum please!!!!

This current writing e-course I’m doing “30 days to Write Yourself Alive” has meant so much to me re-sharing like this and I have valued the release it is bringing me and the chance to be vulnerable, honest, open and free. I am channelling all that’s inside me and all that is unsaid into it. 

I am still the same person I always was. I do need to speak. I need to laugh and cry and tell it like it is. I am an emotional being. I need to talk somewhere it’s just instead of human people listening it’s whomever reads this. It’s here and it’s now!

I love internet and blogging and if you make a free blog your writing is out there and stays there. I’ve found old sites and posts still out there on the web from years past.

My heart. My words. My thoughts. It can keep being read and by anyone who finds it. So for all that I am and all that I am not —- this is me!!!!

My too much IS here and now! Super amazing that I am STILL GOING!