DAY 8 – DIG DEEPER:
Compare the person you are before you write to the person you are after creative alchemy takes place. Focus on details: how you feel physically, mentally, emotionally — before & after. Compare the pain of doing it to the pain of not doing it.
Before — A little tense. A huge hot coffee by my side. I usually do not have a flow till it starts. But I have a desire to get what is in me out. I usually have a good idea of what I want to write. I feel a little heavy in soul. I have a need to do something more. I usually have a huge sense of need to express myself. Need to release. Want to write. I have to be alone. Tv off. Social media off. I often pray because in myself I do not feel that I can say anything worth hearing I need Gods help and direction. I get restless. I have a need to keep going till it is done which is so unlike anything else I do. I do not care so much about the other things in life around me that need doing. Might be dishes that are stacked waiting to be washed. Clothing in the washing machine waiting to be hung out. Bed unmade. I am not in a hurry to do much of all that.
I am aware this is my thing. It is something I can do. It keeps me alive and sane and focused. I am not writing for an audience but I am hoping it is read. That is serves its purpose but I do not write and create for rewards. I basically just have to do it. I do very much enjoy it and it inspires me and I think to myself if I live the life I live and frustration about heavy things I can’t change lifts when I creatively let go. It just might be a help to someone else too to see me keep on keeping on the way I do.
I have a closeted life, I am introverted and deaf and I have faced hard loss in my life. It is like letting a dove in a cage out to be freed. Except the dove is me.
After — I often praise GOD and thank Him I DID something and I got something of my heart and soul out there in the big wide world web because which is where pretty well all my writing and creativity end up. I have seen in my life small inconsequential things that appear to have had little meaning at the time become life altering later on when one looks back or finds out just what it amounted too.
So I release my writing to GOD and let it go. As it is. Simple. Just doing the work no matter what others think or what is the trend others follow. And than let what happens to it and what it means in the wider sense be whatever it will be. Just the container the words and expressions flow through. Be they worth nothing to anyone or something to someone. That is not my concern.
Via my blog or on social media. For all the that sits undone in my house I can feel a real sense of release that something is done and finished and accomplished. Spiritual is to me way more important than physical. To me it is my soul work. It is my calling and my gift to the world. It is what I think I am in this world for. I don’t put a lot of weight on the normal things everyone else sees as important. This soul work is what will remain when I am no more and Internet is so readily accessible world wide your going beyond the little borders of your own little skin suit in the world. Letting your light shine.
I am very grateful for finishing a blog post and hitting publish. There is an overriding sense to check it again. Often in a re-reading I find little mistakes I overlooked. Formatting might have stuffed up and I am not happy with it if the writing is all scrunched up. I like breaks in my writing its easier to read and digest that way. It is a rather silent joy. A little fist pump in the air that only God and I know about it. I do feel much lighter. Maybe a little apprehension putting it out in public and wondering what people will think. For the most I never really do know. So that only lasts a little while. I know if I die without acknowledgment of mankind for my creative life I did what I wanted to do. Said what I wanted to say and enjoyed it and I am free and at peace and joy fills my heart and soul.