Stretch my wings and fly!

 I wrote this for a online magazine publication but never heard back. So posting here.

  

 Hi my name is Sharon and I’m a 45 year old Australian woman. Based in Ballarat Victoria. I am a single mother of 6 children, 5 on earth and 1 in heaven. Three currently live with me at this time.

I am severely hearing impaired and receive a disability pension. I don’t currently work.

My hearing was fine till I was in my 20’s and had children. It has continued to decline ever since.

I enjoy writing, art journaling, mixed media and I have a blog I update fairly regularly.

I have been busy raising a family but now that they are growing older I have much more time to devote to developing my own interests. Latest writing venture was Heart Recycle 101! This is the first time ever for me to seek my writing to be published!

——- 

Writing is my authentic voice. Finally free I stretch my wings and fly!

I’m almost deaf and there’s good reason deafness is linked to being dumb. I can’t communicate in the world normally and it silences me. Modern technology helps but only if you can use it. If you still struggle aside from what is the norm your on your own.

People are sympathetic at first and give lots of suggestions. Even try to help me fit in. I begin to take the defense though when people just see the disability and start giving advice or don’t accept the way I face it. I absolutely hate when instead of stopping to ask me about life in general I’m told how best to live it.

This is how it goes.

‘Aunt Mary is deaf but she does this..’ Or ‘Uncle Frank is deaf I will text you his phone number!’

I’m not Aunt Mary or desire to speak to Uncle Frank. I’m not in your space to be fixed! I just want connection between us.

When people can’t get through to me they can give up and I’m left feeling rejected.

If you get frustrated with me imagine how I feel?

What works is paper and pen, text messages and Internet! I don’t miss anything and I’m not disabled! Unfortunately most people prefer face to face. Straight away a barrier goes up. Every person who rejects technology means an ever widening social gap. Strangely some don’t see online as real and for all the instant-ness you can be left waiting on replies. It’s disheartening to read technology is anti-social because it’s my word and I can be fully myself here. Therefore an open door becomes a barred gateway to many meaningful relationships.

I can be standing face to face with you and still not understand what you are saying. I can be in a room full of people and I do not know what topics are currently being discussed. It’s strange to be surrounded by people but your disconnected it’s like your in another world!

What kind of life is that?

I just decided one day ‘being physically present’ wasn’t working and stepped away.

People judge. Think I’m rude. Label me depressed without even stopping to ask why I’m not around.

I’m just frustrated!

It has meant isolation, being misunderstood and like a book hidden away on a shelf. Story unread, forgotten and gathering dust. I can understand people seeing the closed for business sign I put up and backing off. It’s just not many came looking for the reopening..

Regular blogging is one way my heart channel remains active and present. I also post my life journey on face book which isn’t always popular because many are private and want you to stay that way too. People get very uncomfortable reading about my life with it’s highs and lows. Thankfully internet like TV it’s your choice if you subscribe or follow along.

Unfortunately people have said to me that I should not seek attention or expect it by continually putting myself out there. Ironically they outwardly communicate with speech to another person I just do the same online with writing and art!

Where would I be if I stopped? 

As my life has grounded to a halt there has appeared less interest in what I’m saying. Diminishing audience, losing friendships and many times my most personal sharing via my blog has had no recognition at all.

I’ve had to be stubbornly persistent and a voice that’s needed to be louder. A deeper purpose churning away within my DNA to keep putting my heart out there.

Certainly this unresponsiveness and people turning away grounds you. I’ve had to keep searching for inspiration to press on. ‘No man is an island’ quoted by John Donne and I have to agree. Humans thrive best with support and encouragement.

Of course deafness isn’t the only darkness I’ve faced. In 1984 my 5 year old sister drowned at a family picnic. 1997 I lost a 2 month old baby boy. 2009 my marriage split. Recent times it’s been a struggle with a teenager facing mental health challenges.

All these things combined have worked to gag me. The less I say, the less I flow and the more I grind to a halt. Bit by bit I’ve almost lost the ability to express myself at all. No wonder I am awkward at times!

Before the dark times I used to spend hours telling whomever would listen the things on my heart and sharing encouragement because I needed it too. But I’ve lost confidence and its gotten harder to find people I’m comfortable baring my soul. It’s crippled me. Plunged me into oblivion but I’m still walking about above ground.

I was raised in Christian faith since I was a child. But when this whole shutting down began religion fell way too short. I didn’t only step out of the world I knew and was known in. I stopped attending the church building too. 

The isolation though it separates me from “life as most know it” has brought about a strange rebirth. My spirit has survived and I’ve kept talking to God and a few loyal online friends. If my physical presence has been absent my spirit has still been humming within and when barriers go up you have to reroute to survive.

Change initially sprang from this cocooning period. I realise that even in the deepest depths of darkness I have not been utterly extinguished. That’s miraculous if you think about it. I am alive inside despite it all. I did not give up. I can see this strength in me that defies logic. How I’ve kept going and it gives me so much hope.

God spoke to me when I was doing dishes one day many years ago, a voice in my heart saying. “I will never leave you or forsake you.” I recognised it as a bible verse I knew but at the time and ever since it has brought much comfort to my soul especially when I feel alone.

It is enough. I believe Him. I feel loved and at peace even for where I have failed and others have failed me and it’s ok. I don’t need to go anywhere special or be this or that. He is with me where I am and how I am!

I testify that even in the most soul crushing place you find yourself.

The light shines in you even if it feels only the tiniest spark.

Jesus Christ says He with us and is the light of the world and has overcome darkness, death, human failure and anything that holds us down.

He is the door to life abundant and the way ahead is opened to us.

But you cannot go back to the way that you once lived or even that everyone else lives.

You need a different mindset

Living from your awakening spirit.

Where I have been unable to confidently communicate. I find that my soul expressing itself rebelliously and fearlessly is a kick-ass way to shine my light out in the world again. At this time online mostly because it is where I’m least inhibited. Slowly and surely I have been learning new skills and created a bit of art here and there which I’ve passed on to others. What a good feeling that is!

I share a poem below.

My Spirit rises up today and meets with your Spirit.

Peace be to you this day. 

——-

Transformation

Artistic voice birthed from salty tears of persistence.

Stubborn defiance of faded and vanquished dreams.

Delusion has channelled attention onto a spark of light within.

Knowledge of highest truth intimate, an invite to prevail.

Salvation springing forth from exposed transfigured pain.

Soul crushing isolation catalyst to bursting forth of spiritual vitality.

Expression a brazen release of the invisible and hushed.

Loss is buoyancy that leaves in its wake a healing cascade of peace.

Stifling darkness antithesis to unquenchable freedom to shine.

Boldness of a hopeful heart on the sleeve transparent.

Soul finding its own unique unfolding majestic wings.

Unlimited possibilities delightfully appear in every direction.

Recognized it echoes to hearts searching for escape from earthly bindings.

Captivating and inviting abundant bodacious life wherever she goes.

  

Shepherd

Sharing another post on my “Pilgramage of Resurrection: A Journey through the Easter Season” with Abbey of the Arts..”

I’ve been using what supplies I have at hand which is always good.. So many times you think you need to buy more or have specific supplies or do this or do that.. Its powerful when you are restricted but yet that’s when the Spirit flows and creativity is evident because it comes to you and I believe it flows through you for a greater purpose! 

I know how to do it and what I want to say!! 

This is what “Shepherd” means to me personally and it’s my own expression of that.. All the elements, colours and symbols mean something!!
So enjoying this process.. Ha ha but my bed is covered in art supplies..

Shepherd – dictionary says “person who protects, guides, or watches over a person.. Names the Shepherd as Jesus Christ.. ” the heart below has little crosses all over it which probably won’t come up.. Symbolic.. 

A heart that knows what Jesus has done for me and that through my life / art / expression that’s where I live from.. 

Picture is inspired by the song Sandi Patti sings called “Shepherd of my heart”.. 

My journey with Jesus also comes to mind and I’ve reflected on the scripture Proverbs 3:5-6

Straight path but I certainly cannot see that path any further ahead than where I currently am.. It is for me “a matter of Trust” and moving through it.. 

Art being something artists do and than share it with the world also is who I am.. I have to share it.. That’s who I’ve always been.. 

  

Trusting

I’m sitting here on my bed propped up with pillows.
I cried earlier.. emotional. Time of month but also because I’ve had ongoing struggles with a teenage son.
At Psychiatrist yesterday. Missed a lot of school. Variety of things. Mental health but in this new year also physical as well. Almost all of us came down with stomach virus and pains. Son got that too and it has seemed to set him back.

Doing some art today. My art is so basic. Even the background ripped as I painted it. I leave it though because it symbolizes the difficulties that I’ve faced. My art is cut and paste.. simple. The message is about a scripture, or my interpretation of it.

I will post two art pieces I’ve done on this scripture that also speak about my faith, life and how I’ve dealt with it all.

Everything that happens to me draws me to the only source of peace I know.. the blue represents peace.. the purple my royalty (kingdom of GOD)… Scriptures say we are in a spiritual battle, but GOD with us. I focus alot on JESUS..
I have talked about being disabled here.. deaf. Hearing loss isolates from people. Life circumstances isolate.

My faith has been my strong hold.

Scripture.. art.. from working/reading through this book.. “The Artist’s Rule: Nurturing Your Creative Soul with Monastic Wisdom..by Christine Valters Paintner

“Now I am revealing new things to you
Things hidden and unknown to you
Created just now, this very moment.
Of these things you have heard nothing until now.
So that you cannot say, Oh yes, I knew this.”
Isaiah 48:6-7

Simply talks to me about NOW… but also intimacy and no distractions. Very close.. Personal. Whispered secrets.
New. I definitely feel love.. special.. privileged. Authoritative. Trust.. Presence..

I have to learn to let what I do expressive-wise speak for itself. Definitely no fear to put out art that is simple, ripped page ha ha.. My blog is not really frequented much either.. but despite all the reasons not to share this.. I still do..

Although I open this post with truth about struggles. My art expresses my spirit, my help my strength and what I learn in all this. This is the weird irony of spiritual life as opposed to physical life. That we walk by faith not sight.
God unseen but to those who believe HE is more real than anything you can see..

I mean a lot of people misunderstand me and I guess I can understand that being the kind of person people know and judge me as.
I say judge lightly because I mean perception and how I come across.. And I love this that God doesn’t judge by outward but by the heart of a person.. He looks deeper.. He is deep!

Physically I’m not stand out in any way.. My art reflects that.. But in every soul there is treasure. People look through trash and find treasure.. Not saying I’m trash but that on deeper inspection you can find so much more than you thought possible.. Which is what I try to show..

The fact that in good and bad I can speak to GOD 24/7. Yes I have to believe HE is there.. Have to believe despite troubles HE is there.. but that’s what all these troubles have done is to show me HE is.
Made me find HIM in a desperate kind of way. When people back away or that’s what it feels (even family) there has been no one else.. That’s where HE became centre stage..

It has not stopped the troubles but rather I have and continue to get through them.

I looked at this page and I think why not decorate it more.. dress it up.. But I can’t. It says what I want it to say. What it means to me. I am a very umm dis-organised person.. more so over the years. But in all this.. my focus has narrowed to JESUS alone as I keep saying.. I don’t know what it all means neither do I give in to fear. I just press on.. I seek HIM first.. I trust.

I also try to express it along the way…

I feel tired, its more than a physical tiredness but it makes me look to HIM.. and lean on HIM.. for dear life.. for strength… for peace.. for guidance… for HIS help and YES HIS promises to come to pass around me for whatever this all means..

Made Course

Week 7 – Healing Leaves – Altered books are amazing. I just outlined words that spoke to me or depicted to me my wounds or struggles.
I guess they are truths to me at least in this earthly life. Meditating though on healing leaves re this lesson that Revelation 22:2 speak about.
We are told to pray that HIS kingdom come and his will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
I have things I’ve prayed for for years that have in fact got worse.. What are these healing leaves for the nations?
We are told to be as trees planted by streams of water.
My tree here is dry and depicts intense heat in the atmosphere. Yet the leaves are appearing as I focus/meditate on HIM who is truth and greater than the forces that come against me.
I’m learning faith will bring healing because a knowledge of the truth sets us free.. Knowledge is inner realm so I didn’t change the outer but am focusing on the truth instead..

Artist Trading Cards

Almost at the end of week three of the art “Made” course I’m doing.. If your interested in combining art with faith you must sign up for next years course… Absolutely awesome! Link via side menu here on my blog to give more information.. These three cards were so much fun to do.. See link as to see further what these are.

Artist Trading Cards

This is the 2nd repost.. Sigh for some reason unknown to me it got deleted after I hit post the first time. The link even got shared on my social media… So I’ve had to rewrite it as well. At least I know most of what I said. This will be shorter as my daughter is hungry for lunch! Its school holiday time here.

I’ve had some trials and tests personally of late even as I’m working on these so being able to lose myself in creating has been so beautiful and healing to my soul.. And the amazing thing is the messages that I’ve chosen are positive and true even in hard times. Its whats I’ve found within that brings hope to my soul and will guide me on when the outer life is difficult..

God for me is truly the answer to everything! I truly hope with all my heart my art shows that!

I was saying in earlier posts on this blog that I was disappointed that I wasn’t getting more technique teaching in this course. Well this week I was rewarded and the material we were sent was easy to follow and showed various techniques step by step. As well as a video sharing “how to do the art” the teacher sent such a inspirational pdf packed full of so many quotes, photos, prompts, spiritual food and gorgeous thoughts!

I will definitely be creating more of these cards in the future!! I have a whole pack of cards I found in an op shop to use that I can alter and create with!

I want, in fact, to borrow from the language of the saints – to live “in grace” as much of the time as possible.. By grace I mean an inner harmony, essentially spiritual, which can be translated into outward harmony.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

My Words for Today

Incredible is a word I would use to describe the power of one word.. or two words together..
And how they can set the tone for your day.. just choosing them or being aware of your surroundings. The messages that are coming in to your world through different means..

To explain. I subscribe to a monthly magazine called “Right Brain Planner”.. It is my first month to subscribe.
And in the magazine is a monthly planner consisting of all the days of whatever month it is. Currently being October. Empty squares to fill in whatever way takes your fancy.. I’m still learning but I have noticed that the others who also have joined this venture.. Write words for each day, some span a few days and its an amazing experience to take part in.
How I choose my words is they come up in my day or previous days. Might be a word I read and it keeps coming up again and again.. Or a short phrase that keeps coming up or stands out to me for whatever reason.

Today’s for me is New Moon.

One reason being.. I love the “Twilight” series by Stephanie Meyers and have a poster on my wall from the second in the series “New Moon”. Another reason is I am reading a book on my Kindle called “Emily of New Moon” by LM Montgomery. And also an online community of art journalling ladies I’m in is thinking of doing a get together and one suggestion is meeting in March next year on a date considered “New Moon”.

That’s three times its come up and is what I have picked for today’s word.. I think I would fall off my chair ha ha if it was currently new moon phase in Victoria Australia today.. which I just checked but it isn’t.

So instead I look at meanings of this phrase to encourage myself searching online to find amongst other things what I have added below..

* In Christian symbolism featuring Virgin Mary with the new moon it resonates with the concepts of purity, peace, illumination and perfection..
Weirdly enough “Illumination” was my word for Thursday, Friday and Saturday just passed.. Interesting huh.. I will show a picture of my month so far at the bottom of this post..
* New Moon symbolises new beginnings, a fresh start and rebirth.
Another funny thing is this fitted with my current month too… yesterdays words were.. “Letting Go” so new beginnings resonate here don’t they!
* Psalm 104:19 “HE made the moon to mark the seasons; the sun knows when to set.”
* Created order not chaotic. (Sun and moon, times and seasons)
* The word used for New Moon is Hebrew “Rosh Chodesh” literally means “beginning, head or renewal.”
Time of Spiritual renewal.

**From site : http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Hebrew_Roots/New_Moon**

**All through the scriptural record, the New Moon was a day when the prophets heard from Yahweh, being a day designated for waiting upon Yahweh, for discerning His purposes and for prophetic revelation. Isaiah 47:13; Ezekiel 26:1; 29:17; 31:132:1; Haggai 1: 1** They have made an error there so one of the scripture references does not work..

This just above is “woah” to me mind blowing.. because just before I started some research and study on these words today including meanings.. I had a heart to heart with GOD myself.. asking for discernment.. for exactly that.. HIS revealing to me HIS purposes for me and yes I also do desire prophetic type revelations.. So according to my words.. this is exactly the right day or moment for me to ask GOD on a “New Moon” day.. Really really encouraged me… How these chosen words fit in right now. So I had to share this here..

Aren’t these things inspiring.. Great meaning for “New Moon” and my choice of words to symbolise today. I even found a moon sticker in my art stash.. LOL…

This is the site where you can find out about “Right Brain Planner” and even subscribe yourself.. I’d love to meet you and see what you do with your zine, your month and what messages you receive for your days ahead!!

www.rightbrainplanner.com

Attention – added 11:37pm tonight.. Wow I walked dog this afternoon and what did I see but the moon even in the day on my horizon.. Wow had to return and add this in.. Last night I also downloaded an iPhone ap called “Sky Guide” today while walking I took a pic and right in front of me along with the moon ( viewed in ap) was the sign of Aquarius.. Now I don’t follow star signs but interesting that this is my birth sign.. Right in my path in the sky today! God aligning around me or I’m just waking up to it.. Included collage pic below.. Shows ap, view through ap of sky as I walked and a pic of moon! Woah!!!

Connecting to God through Art

My joy to share my creative journey here..

Today is the first day of “The Creative Goddess Course”. See last post on source..

Blogging my art and expressions here as I go along..

My style.. My take.. My thoughts.. My way.. Beautiful course materials which give great freedom..

My prayer as I begin..

Dear Almighty God, Jesus & Holy Spirit..
I thank You that You are with me now.
To be with me on my journey of Divine Creation.
Please guide me to see, feel, express and experience the unity I have in You of wholeness and oneness.
Thank You for my spirit, mind and body as we create together, unified trinity which is now (4) including me yet each is unique in our own right but yet one! A great mystery!
Help me share the highest truth with vivid visions.
Being brave, wild and courageous and a deep dreamer.
May I know and become more aware of Your glory revealed in and through me in my own unique way as we partake of this sacred act of creation.. Amen

New Path…

Wow.. just like that a new path appears.. I have just decided to make a leap/step of faith and sign up for a year of new possibilities..

More to come so keep watching this space.. ha ha.. blog..

I’ve been tossing up between two e courses that have come to my attention.. one was a christian creative group “Made course” started on September 1st that I know one beautiful soul Anna who is taking part in.. another which is the one I decided on is..

The “Amazing Biz and Life Academy” by Leonie Dawson..

Goes for twelve months (that is how long I am signed up for) and is choc full of e-courses on having an amazing life and business.. now its a more personal reason I would be doing this but who knows what might unfold.. I have followed Leonie via her blog, and email list, through Twitter, via a “Create your Incredible Year workbook and planner” on my Kindle that I have been working through..

I might be about half way through that.. but I have seen changes in my life because of it.. positive changes when I stick with it..

Unfortunately I am a procrastinator.. and as I am home.. (not working) due to being on a pension as I am severely hearing impaired I need motivation.. But there has been something on the inside of me prodding me… I need to decide on a course of action then go full steam ahead.. and keep going..

I need focus.. I need something to work towards.. Something to help me move forward.. New Ideas.. New Venture… To Branch out.. to find a way through my life that can lead to something more.. Possibilities.. Now is the time..

I did struggle with.. it should be “Christian” but I intend to take JESUS with me.. lol.. HE is coming along but I feel as with my life.. I already have HIM with me.. I already fellowship with other believers.. this is a path that could blaze away to a whole new life that I will flow into.. I don’t have to be afraid.. HE comes with me..

I can see even today as I signed up.. there is a fire blazing in me.. and a joy bubbling over.. and a confidence rising up inside.. I’m here too writing this blog.. which is always a good sign!!

I’m excited.. Anticipation is spilling over.. I can see ideas forming already and I have not even really even begun yet.. The thing is.. GOD is with me.. and its because I’m so aware of HIM.. fear has taken a back seat.. actually its not even being considered.. I somehow know this is going to be a very huge year ahead for me.

Leonie Dawson – Amazing Biz & Amazing Life

Creativity Unleashed

Just write whatever.. blockages lol.. Why oh why do I see so much untapped potential in others.. and why I feel so unable to help them.. I say something but I see they are not considering me.. but I don’t know what they are thinking though.. I get so little feedback.. It says.. what you have to say.. means nothing.. I see so much lack in peoples life.. they are truly stuck.. I get blank myself.. and I wish I could just say the magic word.. to unplug their bath and let the stuckedness go swirling out like dirty water.. down and out.. down and out..

So they are smiling.. they are motivated.. they are able to be who GOD created them to be in all their glory.

I feel I am not enough to do that.. but I know the source of life is with me.. how to tap YOU LORD.. it always comes back to YOU… I know I am not enough.. but then I have YOU.. So the answer is within me then..

LORD.. unblock me to create in me the imagination and freedom to release what YOU have for each person I come in contact with.. not being fearful of what they might think but releasing to them ways and means or words and dreams to take them higher and make their wings sprout.. So that they can see for themselves the ways and means to be free.. To fly and soar and create so much more in their lives.. To be free… to not have to worry but think up new ways to do almost anything..

Yes yes that is what I would like to do.. what I want.. I don’t care how it comes.. or what it brings to me.. that this is done for every one who needs it that I come across.. that is more than enough for me.. Just need the flow to flow.. the know to know and the go to go.. LOL.. And to do so.. wherever and whenever.. to see the souls ignite.. it only takes a spark to get a fire raging.. and it cannot be contained..

It starts… and each one can affect every one they come in contact with.. wow.. you can see a revival can’t you.. out of just flowing where you flow but its about the flow isn’t it.. because its unstoppable.. and all one needs is to let it flow and it will do what its supposed to do.. Its what we all need… because its not for one its for all.. and it doesn’t mean the same thing its coloured differently in every soul.. Its custom fitted but each uniquely designed for the one who receives it.. believes it..

I can see it sweeping the earth, catching up everyone.. no one will miss out.. its glorious and gorgeous.. and it will not be boring at all.. and everyone will have their part to play.. in the grandest production of all time.. everyone is invited.. and it all started with letting the CREATOR have HIS way!!!!!