Tag Archives: Artist

Soul questions and answers

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Three soul questions I asked myself. Written on three pieces of paper. Turned over and shuffled. Than I used colours on those papers. Not knowing what question was on which paper. Than chose collage pieces.. Words and pictures on each as to how I was currently feeling. What images drew me at the moment. I assembled each one and turned over. This is my thoughts on each.. Amazing experience to do. Found through the book “The Artist’s Rule” Christine Valters Paintner..
What does God/HE want me to learn in the midst of where I am currently, how I am currently?



Gold centre.. I have learnt my value in Him. God doesn’t make junk. I’ve found that out through HIM alone and being so alone because of disability and circumstances. The gold was in the middle.. But all around the gold was black.. Hard pressed on all sides. Some yellow in the black because I’ve learnt things.. Important things in hard times. When you blend the colours with water. Gelatos. Gold pretty much stayed pure in the midst of the black. So even though the darkness has tried to shut me down. It’s only made me more intense faith wise and also helped me find my core strength. I look up. It’s not about anything else but HIM really.. Although the person I used to represent myself in this is a child. I am central in my story. I do relate to being childlike. That’s ok. And even though I’m often alone and seems like it’s just about me. It’s actually all about HIM. That’s how HE does HIS thing. It’s an honour. I realise it’s an honour. My Spirit is HOLY. Because of HIM. Love. I know I’m loved. And it definitely doesn’t mean I’m perfected in this whole experience on the outside yet.. In fact my imperfections I must embrace as part of it. Artist. Is just simply telling it in my own way. Look up.. Use it all. Focus on HIM. On love. On Spirit. On limitless spirit. As I am.. Where I am. Opportunities endless.
What is my Spirit desiring at the moment? What is on my heart?



Colour. I want to see beauty I look for it. Open to it all. Variety. Expression that bypasses words. I need to be creative to live this life. . I want to be more honest. Seek truth. Transparency. Of the heart. Freedom. Imagination. Even though I feel majorly shut down in many ways. I still have hope. It’s amazing that the pictures of me I found were large. It’s as if God is saying. It’s ok. How things are and how they seem. Supposed to be that way. It’s how HE uses me. Emotions play a huge part as does the heart. Spiritual longing creates stronger desires. It’s like the more I learn the more I want to learn. More I feel hard pressed. Brings forth beauty. Spills out. Makes me seek HIM more. From my great need I produce life and art and bring forth from that. In simple ways but powerful ways. Desiring freedom. Revealing soul. Going within. Using my spirit and expression. To communicate freely. 
How can I use rejection to work for me and not against me?


I drew a heart but not central. Colours that radiated out from that. It looks now as if it’s a flower. Heart are seeds and the paper and gelatos made a pattern that further made it look like a flower. Like petals around it. What was done on the cross central. There’s freedom there. Forgiveness and restoration. Hope. Peace. Love. All that I could want found there and flows from there. A burning heart within the result. Despite the things done to me and my heart. I need to share and that hasn’t stopped. Seeds only fall when a flower dies. But more flowers come from it. I need peace.. Central to who I am. I will always choose peace over everything else. It’s how I live through the hard times. The assaults on my soul.. I can’t bottle it. I have to tell it. Or write it or share it. It’s who I am at the core. Yellow seems good and holy. And what doesn’t destroy us will shine and bring forth beauty. But even if our very hearts wither and die the seeds within will always do their thing! How artists speak from beyond the grave!

Letting myself bloom and my spirit shine and my passion break free. Being myself despite it all. See that hard things are not me. But rather what has happened to me. Makes me bring forth what is always and already inside. It’s the vehicle for bringing forth what makes me bloom and bring forth my harvest. Even if I was completely destroyed from it. You crush a flower the perfume escapes.

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Hope

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I have NOT blogged for awhile I really really need too..
I tend to shut down if I don’t.
Journal or blogging same thing.
I tend not to write with a pen because my writing is so very messy.
Depressingly messy. Artists scrawl the most beautiful messages on their art work.
It’s sad I can’t do that. Not really. I think the writing unless you want the meaning hidden. Should be
Legible.

Yesterday I spent a lot of the day creating a painting. Do not do that often.
It really pumped me up to do it.
The night before last I woke in the early morning hours after a nightmare a little before that.
I was speaking in poetry!! Weird I know but it woke me up enough to notice it. I quickly got
Out my ipad and started taking notes. I rarely can remember my dreams so I knew if I didn’t
Take notes that I would not remember it in the morning.

This art piece shared here and the poem have sprang from that. I have wanted to write poetry for ages.
I mean I have been here and there writing pieces. But it hasn’t flowed easily. But what came to me in
The night was perfect! To me it was! It fit with a beautiful hand crafted stamp I recently received
From a local artist. The words in my mind also fit with my personal situation and that they came the
Way they did and in a continuous flow was mind blowing. Especially because poets write using descriptions
To explain what they are feeling. I don’t know why but I struggled to think of my feeling in symbolic form.
Everything that I was thinking. The words. Images. Everything just all of it I can relate too!! I really
Couldn’t have said it that way naturally if I tried!!

I have been reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s newest book “Big Magic” and she speaks of trains of inspirational
Creative thought that seek us out and we are the ones that need to take hold of them when they come..
It was exactly as she had written about! I really have not had many of them. It has for a long time
been me sweating it out and not knowing what I wanted to do. Especially how to describe it. Break through
for me!!

How to do it and a direction to take. I love creativity. I love writing etc
But to actually create something with function and that beautifully and powerfully expressed my whole life
As I am currently experiencing it.
I mean WOW!!!
This is in a form that I could give away. Could sell..
Though I wince at that thought. My art has mistakes. I originally posted this first on Instagram.
Posted first with the poem digitally added. Neat and tidy.
Later I cut out each line and found a marker to outline it which has smudged.
It isn’t pretty and possibly the words are not clear. I have ruined so many markers trying to write
over paint and/or crafty substances.

The poem. The words. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with it. Miracle. Magic. I believe it is of God’s
Spirit!! Thanking Him over and over.
I so want to be authentic with my own voice. I do not want to overtly religious.
I want to speak in every day language.
When I originally told the artist Asphyxia (I will add a link to her website) I loved the cross idea. Some
Of her other characters held crosses. I wanted her to represent me. I think the cross is known to be
Associated with Christianity. Obviously people will always interpret what your meaning is in art work in
Their own way. But to me it represents my spirituality, my faith and relationship to Jesus!
It is everything I am about. You can’t take it away. It is who I am. Core of my being. Central to who I am.

I hold it up. It is what I want seen. Can’t take the spirit out of the girl. But it is so much more than
religious. I think of religions as set in their ways where I am definitely not that kind of person. I think
Religious people are set apart. Rock solid in what they believe. I like to define myself as one who stands
On the rock rather than being a rock myself. I have found that people do not accept you as easily if you are
different to the mainstream. I do identify as a believer but unique and special in my own way.

I suppose there are some that will always reject me because of the cross. There are also those who will reject
Me because I do not do what everyone else does. No matter my core beliefs.

This is me! I love love love to share it!!

Poem..

One day on the steep slope she became a poetess.

People looked for her.

Thinking she’d fallen down a deep hole.

Never looking up.

Instead they looked down.

Peering from the edges. 

Glaring into the darkness.

All they ever said was that she’d fallen.

She was still on the steep slope though.

Tenaciously holding onto her cross.

It provided strength and purpose.

Blinking in the bright sunshine.

She could still see the people. 

But they were not looking for her anymore.

She decided to sit awhile. 

Contemplating where she was.

Her view gave her inspiration.

She started engraving etchings.

On the side of the mountain.

Realizing that the journey was not in vain. 

One day someone will look up again, 

she thought.

So she stayed there. 

Kept doing what she could do.

Time became her friend.

Eventually people did look up 

again.

They recognized her. 

Read her messages.

They began to understand 

why she’d gone.

What kept her there.

She gave them hope.

Asphyxia ~ art, book & inspiration

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Stretch my wings and fly!

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 I wrote this for a online magazine publication but never heard back. So posting here.

  

 Hi my name is Sharon and I’m a 45 year old Australian woman. Based in Ballarat Victoria. I am a single mother of 6 children, 5 on earth and 1 in heaven. Three currently live with me at this time.

I am severely hearing impaired and receive a disability pension. I don’t currently work.

My hearing was fine till I was in my 20’s and had children. It has continued to decline ever since.

I enjoy writing, art journaling, mixed media and I have a blog I update fairly regularly.

I have been busy raising a family but now that they are growing older I have much more time to devote to developing my own interests. Latest writing venture was Heart Recycle 101! This is the first time ever for me to seek my writing to be published!

——- 

Writing is my authentic voice. Finally free I stretch my wings and fly!

I’m almost deaf and there’s good reason deafness is linked to being dumb. I can’t communicate in the world normally and it silences me. Modern technology helps but only if you can use it. If you still struggle aside from what is the norm your on your own.

People are sympathetic at first and give lots of suggestions. Even try to help me fit in. I begin to take the defense though when people just see the disability and start giving advice or don’t accept the way I face it. I absolutely hate when instead of stopping to ask me about life in general I’m told how best to live it.

This is how it goes.

‘Aunt Mary is deaf but she does this..’ Or ‘Uncle Frank is deaf I will text you his phone number!’

I’m not Aunt Mary or desire to speak to Uncle Frank. I’m not in your space to be fixed! I just want connection between us.

When people can’t get through to me they can give up and I’m left feeling rejected.

If you get frustrated with me imagine how I feel?

What works is paper and pen, text messages and Internet! I don’t miss anything and I’m not disabled! Unfortunately most people prefer face to face. Straight away a barrier goes up. Every person who rejects technology means an ever widening social gap. Strangely some don’t see online as real and for all the instant-ness you can be left waiting on replies. It’s disheartening to read technology is anti-social because it’s my word and I can be fully myself here. Therefore an open door becomes a barred gateway to many meaningful relationships.

I can be standing face to face with you and still not understand what you are saying. I can be in a room full of people and I do not know what topics are currently being discussed. It’s strange to be surrounded by people but your disconnected it’s like your in another world!

What kind of life is that?

I just decided one day ‘being physically present’ wasn’t working and stepped away.

People judge. Think I’m rude. Label me depressed without even stopping to ask why I’m not around.

I’m just frustrated!

It has meant isolation, being misunderstood and like a book hidden away on a shelf. Story unread, forgotten and gathering dust. I can understand people seeing the closed for business sign I put up and backing off. It’s just not many came looking for the reopening..

Regular blogging is one way my heart channel remains active and present. I also post my life journey on face book which isn’t always popular because many are private and want you to stay that way too. People get very uncomfortable reading about my life with it’s highs and lows. Thankfully internet like TV it’s your choice if you subscribe or follow along.

Unfortunately people have said to me that I should not seek attention or expect it by continually putting myself out there. Ironically they outwardly communicate with speech to another person I just do the same online with writing and art!

Where would I be if I stopped? 

As my life has grounded to a halt there has appeared less interest in what I’m saying. Diminishing audience, losing friendships and many times my most personal sharing via my blog has had no recognition at all.

I’ve had to be stubbornly persistent and a voice that’s needed to be louder. A deeper purpose churning away within my DNA to keep putting my heart out there.

Certainly this unresponsiveness and people turning away grounds you. I’ve had to keep searching for inspiration to press on. ‘No man is an island’ quoted by John Donne and I have to agree. Humans thrive best with support and encouragement.

Of course deafness isn’t the only darkness I’ve faced. In 1984 my 5 year old sister drowned at a family picnic. 1997 I lost a 2 month old baby boy. 2009 my marriage split. Recent times it’s been a struggle with a teenager facing mental health challenges.

All these things combined have worked to gag me. The less I say, the less I flow and the more I grind to a halt. Bit by bit I’ve almost lost the ability to express myself at all. No wonder I am awkward at times!

Before the dark times I used to spend hours telling whomever would listen the things on my heart and sharing encouragement because I needed it too. But I’ve lost confidence and its gotten harder to find people I’m comfortable baring my soul. It’s crippled me. Plunged me into oblivion but I’m still walking about above ground.

I was raised in Christian faith since I was a child. But when this whole shutting down began religion fell way too short. I didn’t only step out of the world I knew and was known in. I stopped attending the church building too. 

The isolation though it separates me from “life as most know it” has brought about a strange rebirth. My spirit has survived and I’ve kept talking to God and a few loyal online friends. If my physical presence has been absent my spirit has still been humming within and when barriers go up you have to reroute to survive.

Change initially sprang from this cocooning period. I realise that even in the deepest depths of darkness I have not been utterly extinguished. That’s miraculous if you think about it. I am alive inside despite it all. I did not give up. I can see this strength in me that defies logic. How I’ve kept going and it gives me so much hope.

God spoke to me when I was doing dishes one day many years ago, a voice in my heart saying. “I will never leave you or forsake you.” I recognised it as a bible verse I knew but at the time and ever since it has brought much comfort to my soul especially when I feel alone.

It is enough. I believe Him. I feel loved and at peace even for where I have failed and others have failed me and it’s ok. I don’t need to go anywhere special or be this or that. He is with me where I am and how I am!

I testify that even in the most soul crushing place you find yourself.

The light shines in you even if it feels only the tiniest spark.

Jesus Christ says He with us and is the light of the world and has overcome darkness, death, human failure and anything that holds us down.

He is the door to life abundant and the way ahead is opened to us.

But you cannot go back to the way that you once lived or even that everyone else lives.

You need a different mindset

Living from your awakening spirit.

Where I have been unable to confidently communicate. I find that my soul expressing itself rebelliously and fearlessly is a kick-ass way to shine my light out in the world again. At this time online mostly because it is where I’m least inhibited. Slowly and surely I have been learning new skills and created a bit of art here and there which I’ve passed on to others. What a good feeling that is!

I share a poem below.

My Spirit rises up today and meets with your Spirit.

Peace be to you this day. 

——-

Transformation

Artistic voice birthed from salty tears of persistence.

Stubborn defiance of faded and vanquished dreams.

Delusion has channelled attention onto a spark of light within.

Knowledge of highest truth intimate, an invite to prevail.

Salvation springing forth from exposed transfigured pain.

Soul crushing isolation catalyst to bursting forth of spiritual vitality.

Expression a brazen release of the invisible and hushed.

Loss is buoyancy that leaves in its wake a healing cascade of peace.

Stifling darkness antithesis to unquenchable freedom to shine.

Boldness of a hopeful heart on the sleeve transparent.

Soul finding its own unique unfolding majestic wings.

Unlimited possibilities delightfully appear in every direction.

Recognized it echoes to hearts searching for escape from earthly bindings.

Captivating and inviting abundant bodacious life wherever she goes.

  

Where The Writing Prompts Lead me..

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What is one thing /aspect /person you are still holding on to, that directly or indirectly interferes with your ability to create more and better?
What vampires (things, people, situations) empty you and leave your heart in red numbers?

What drains me are people who don’t give me a chance to be myself and don’t talk about themselves. It’s not very personal or meaningful. They don’t ask me how I am or tell me how they are. It’s like they skip over everything that really matters about the every day and we end up chit-chatting. I am all for small talk too but without going deeper nothing worthwhile is ever going to result or change from it!!

Without acknowledging the every day ups and downs and the highs and lows you can’t really connect meaningfully. We all walk the same earth and breathe the same air so why can’t we talk about it all?
Strange thing is that as I write this I see myself in a whole new light. I have always thought I was stuck. I was the alien and I was the weird one.

But the thing is I am not stuck! I am not staying the same way or purposefully avoiding how I really feel. I am evolving. I am attempting to grow and develop stretching forth my wings. I am actually going forward with every word I type (today, even now) I’m deepening in my approach to life and facing it full on. Trying hard not to be the same as I used to be or even was yesterday. .

For myself it is a spiritual journey and a personal and very intimate one. I may not traverse and travel the earth’s surface in a physical way but I am digging into my emotions, my soul and my creative spirit right where I am which I believe GOD has created in his own image and this is truly the most ‘real’ I can ever be. I believe we are all spiritual beings so for me its doing it all from the inside to the outside AND I am beginning to fearlessly explore and express that.

Not in a religious way that restricts and turns people away but in a spiritual way that invites and celebrates with all humanity. A way only those around me who are living from their spirits can truly value. Aren’t we all living this life? I say a very defiant NO!!!!! So many are like a shell of themselves. Fueled by belief systems and other peoples ideas that deny that they themselves can think and decide and be fully the exceptional people that they already are. Individuals first not just one of a boring same speaking and acting corporation.

We have these belief systems so firmly entrenched that somehow we must become something we are actually not and can never be. Conforming to perfection or a holy unreachable standard. Opposed to unique, glorious and imperfectly perfect.
People speak in a dialog that is filled with words that are not their own. Minds tightly shut up and will not accept the truth that we are all designed unique to be unique. We are souls and spirits and people in different colored human skin. We all cry, laugh and love but to do so without owning our choice is killing untapped potential and we are capable of so much more than we can even dream about. We are born and we die but we must live in the in-between and transcend our own personal limitations!! Enjoy our span of years but it seems there is this and that to do and people get lost in the boxes and labels we assign to society and religion and we just see the shell of a person staying small and scared to be different and trying to stamp out anything or anyone who is not like us. Tis very sad. It is how I once was..

You do not need to be like everyone else and keep things locked up inside. You can be whole and dynamic and deep and beautiful in your own way and it brings forth a brighter shinier life that’s new and exciting and authentic for everyone and not just a select few.
Getting back to the gist of this writing. I truly believe that anyone who I meet or am around who can’t or don’t or won’t embrace life in fullest measure I struggle to mesh with. They make me feel like a child in the middle of group of bullies. With their similarities and hang ups and dislike of anyone who is different I feel rejected on all sides. Never wanting to know the real me but always pointing out my faults and judging me on how I am not fitting in. They shut me out and drain me with their standards and make me feel like I am unworthy.
Why on earth would I ever want to be a part of that and because I tried for so long to fit in I almost lost myself completely and the ability to be the unique creation that I am.
It’s these very same people who have propelled me to rebel and become myself in fullest flavor and form. Yes it might be a slower journey and one that skirts the edges and even a solitary one at times but it’s one I walk forward throwing off restraints instead of being tied down.
Putting aside uniformity and stagnancy and walking taller with earnestness to find all that I can be and become the fullest ‘I am’ that the world will ever see.

I thank GOD for freedom, choice to be wholly ourselves and especially for the beautiful people who I meet along this journey who are deliciously alive with exotic rawness fully exposed and invite me to do the same!
  

On Holy Ground

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This quote below just came to mind… I’m in bliss!!!
I’m really aware I’m standing on holy ground.. More so than ever before.. Heavens are open above me.. Glory to God!!!

“Earth’s crammed with heaven, And every common bush afire with God; But only he who sees, takes off his shoes – The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.”
Elizabeth Barrett Browning quotes (English poet, political thinker, and feminist 1806-1861)

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Soul Writing

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I’m doing three pages of writing every day as part of a book study I am taking part in.. “The Artist’s Way.. A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity’.. This is almost the whole of it from this morning ha ha my noted book is A5 so not the biggest pages you can get.. its incredible what comes out when you get GOD involved in your writing..

Today we were encouraged for the whole of this week.. being week 6 to focus in our morning pages on “The God I do believe in and the God I would like to believe in..”

This below is my first for the week at looking at this.. and what came of it today.. Not always can I simply write on what is expected and go off in a tangent on something related..

LORD = I believe in a close GOD. You being here with me always. You want intimacy with me daily, often.
My whole heart and soul. That you know whats best for me. Troubles are not the gauge to anything do with You.. Works through weakness. I am talking about what I’ve learnt. Not to lean on my own understanding. Definitely not!!!
Not about the God in the bible. But about the God of ———— Street. In my house. Not a God in a church. A God in my heart/room. Goes everywhere. Who knows everything. Longing for every word that comes out. Actually enjoys my presence. Isn’t phased by pj’s, unmade beds and unpaid bills. He’s interested in Me.
In my expressions, my hopes, my frustrations. He’s patient to listen to the very last detail. He doesn’t leave ever. Incredible really. I wouldn’t change anything except to be more aware of His presence. To be more aware of “what is”. To be honest, if you really think about it, this doesn’t seem enough. Just talking. Just being. Just….
I don’t know. I mean your heart longs for intimacy right. But who could “be there” like God. I mean for everything? Nobody could. Soul rests in His presence so what more could you want than that. Mary was commended for wanting more of His presence. We see this is an essence of His heart. (Time) What are we longing for? Meaning, purpose. You get the idea He is not in a hurry. What can you do but “Breathe” and enjoy that.
Nothing seems pressing anyway when you are in communion with Him.
Like a big ancient tree. You just sit beside it. Admiring it. Being shaded. Watching the branches dance in the wind. His majesty towering over you. Seems a sacred, safe place. So in His presence its sacred/safe and comforting.
Is there a connection you feel to earth, sky and nature in the tree?
To your roots. To Soul/Spirit.
Strength. Breathe in oxygen. Deep into your lungs. You take that with you. Longing to return again. Yet spiritually we don’t need to lose that sense. The tree, re majesty, sacredness is within. I know people meditate. Sit for hours. Peace. Breathe. But God is within. God is peace.. God is breath. God is out.
God is everywhere. Get a sense you need nothing but to see Him always. So that nothing blocks His view. So that He may even manifest physically because Your aware. The veil is thin. So aware. So aware. No longer seeing but being Heaven on earth. Heaven is here.

((You know touching on that last part of Jesus/God actually appearing.. or manifesting physically.. I have had that happen re an online friend.. he is a male friend.. online.. rarely see his face.. only spoken on skype a couple of time.. don’t know why.. just haven’t. Chat online.. in pieces through the day.. every day.. closest friend I have really ever had.. and there are times.. in my physical life.. when for just a flash.. I am visualising him beside me.. its very weird.. Once was when I was out walking my dog.. I think about things while I walk.. I don’t remember what exactly I was thinking about this particular day.. but for a very short time.. I actually saw him walking beside me.. suddenly he was there.. I mean he wasn’t physically but I had a type of vision where he was walking by my side.. Weird huh that has never happened like that before.. Another time I was sitting at my dining table.. and I just quickly imagined him sitting there.. just like he suddenly appeared.. Seemed so natural.. and then he was gone.. Another time third and final ha ha.. I just saw his hand.. I was thinking about what it would be like to meet him (at the time) cause known online for years.. and I started thinking of his hands (he is an artist) and I saw a quick vision of his hand.. Ok now you think I am crazy.. but I can relate to the fact that if you know someone really well that its possible to have the memory so much inside you.. or spiritual sense.. that you might start to see them.. Thats what dreams are aren’t they!! Apparently some people can see their loved ones with them.. or sense things about them.. Don’t know what it means.. but those separate incidences just get me thinking about the spiritual realm and that there is so much more to all our lives and the cosmos than we currently know.. ))

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