She Has Transpired

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My heart expression (art pic below) not even finished and it begs me that there is a voice to be heard and something to be said. I have always had this annoying habit of sharing.. if it moves me I cannot not share it.. sometimes even half way through.. I have to hit send or interrupt the moment cause its too good to skip over.. I just know its so good.. why? It’s like my life is about recognising and passing that along.. Can’t help myself.. bad habits.. weakness..

I cried as I carefully cut out the cellophane me.. even the lines that signify me.. some of them disappeared because of the cutting.. Felt a very very vulnerable experience in expressing “invisible me” that it meant so much more than what was actually occurring. This truly is as clear a message as I can give about how I have felt about myself.. How I have felt around other people.. though amazingly and so ironically is that I’ve often been called “transparent” which has amazing opposite meanings like this..

“so sheer as to let light pass through”

“easily seen through”

“open, frank, candid, recognised or detected; manifest, obvious….”

So even as I write that word… and think about “invisible me” I realise that being transparent also means I’m different and in such a way that light passes through.. How amazing that God is light and I actually enjoy sharing about HIM! Showing HIS light is part of my purpose in more ways than one!

If people have said this and this is indeed how I am.. maybe the two are connected and this is how the spiritual unseen side is indeed manifesting. How God is seen!

God has surely said this about Himself.. My power is perfected in weakness 2 Corinthians 12:9

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves;
– New American Standard Version (1995) 2 Corinthians 4:7

Its “me” for sure.. and this art piece even as “is” exposes a raw nerve in me because I am revealing myself as honestly and openly as I can; how it really is (simply) and yet I question myself.. Why put this out there? Why? Why do I feel the need to share it.. why cannot it be enough to just create it and keep it to myself, hide it away in a drawer or box or inside my house somewhere and feel I am happy with what I created so far and move on.. why must I also do more with it?

Why, why, why do I want to put myself out there.. again and again and again..

Matthew 5:14-16
New International Version (NIV)
14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

See even though I feel invisible and vulnerable.. putting an invisible person out there AGAIN and an unfinished piece at that is damn stupid isn’t it.. but still my heart says.. do it.. do it.. do it.. say it.. say it.. say it. I just have to for some reason and the above verses say that is exactly what light is for! To shine and not hide and as Im transparent I seem to be fitted to do this.

Notice the little bright painted star in my chest where my heart is supposed to be.. a friend once said they cannot see my heart because I used to just post inspiring things, encouraging things on christian forums and through the internet instead of investing myself or my person. He felt something was missing.. He was right it was me.. I have felt I have nothing of my own to contribute so this created a vacuum inside therefore I had nothing of myself to give.

But at the time I thought I was putting my heart out there and as I have said before I have gotten less and less response to this so I have felt totally and utterly invisible even though I was out there every day..
I copied quotes and I communicated through what others said and used others pictures, beliefs, expressions to express myself and of course he felt and rightly so that everything I was doing was not from my heart at all.. Which it wasn’t in a way. No wonder I have not felt I had a voice..

But nevertheless it has been the way of my heart and yes I guess I too can understand why others stopped seeing me.. Maybe the star also signifies that although I have felt invisible I want to become the “star” of my life again..

Ha ha GOD has a sense of humour.. This came to me.

“shine like stars in the dark world” Philippians 2:15

Even when the words completely dry in me, I can create visually and recognise what I’m feeling and talk about that.. 🙂

I have been plugged in today to the song “Without You” by Mariah Carey because it came to my mind.. and yes here I am in my room again.. because when I listen to these types of songs I have to sing along and my kids give me that look.. here she goes again.. and they roll their eyes.. and I am almost forced to my room to bellow.. lol and as I get caught up in the lyrics and its just belted out its better for all.. I sing and contemplate while looking at others art and their heart messages call to me giving me added permission to do this.. So I listen over and over and over and I ponder what my heart feels then just start to flow through all this.. Its incredible what comes out as I process it.. things I didn’t even know were there.. but I just start seeing.. and feeling and sensing and when it starts to flow all the pieces come together..

As I was cutting out my figure for the art piece and being careful because cellophane rips so easily yes I was teary because souls are fragile but worth the effort to defiantly reveal because there is so much more to them than meets the eye.. all the while the lyrics were saying something about this.. I cannot live without you Mariah crooned… and yes without a heart and soul feeling and expressing from our innermost being we too become just a type of empty shell.. Not really alive without being fully ourselves (Cannot live if living is without You..)

I have been thinking about the many artists that inspire me lately.. and so many many struggle with being fully themselves and this often includes their relationship with GOD and a little sadness creeps in my heart.. because I too cannot bare to live a half life and I certainly couldn’t live without a greater meaning to my invisibility…
The whole existence of an unseen God gives my very heart and spirit wings, words and purpose. But why am I being sad because of this truth? Even if people cannot see HIM either.. HE is still there too and so much more than meets the eye as we ourselves also are.. I totally understand HIS invisibility and how much bigger HE is because of my own lacks. Its because of them I see HIM and find myself fully!

I have learnt to appreciate HIM in ways others may not so I guess all the more reason to give out this hope. I stubbornly believed in HIM even unseen and its because of recognising my lacks I found form, feelings, help, comfort, strength, possibilities its why I share this very thing right now. HE has come into view and HE is what brings me into focus in this medium and through these words..

I am simply letting my vulnerability reveal HIM as HE says will happen and finding there is purpose for my struggles and HIS strength is revealed in my weakness and although a weak person has nothing to offer the world and the world has nothing to offer a weak person.. If I were even a highly sought artist or writer I would have something to give and offer but unseen and un-noticed people have nothing to give or offer.. Yet there is something here isn’t there!

Trying to live without HIM is like wrestling with yourself and we live in ourselves.. but yet we wrestle on and on and on.. and wonder why we get so tired and when you realise there is no reason for strength ( that’s GOD) no reason for words (that’s GOD).. no reason to keep going (that’s GOD) .. you cannot just see HIM invisible anymore.. And there you have it.. The reason I am here.

The words “Without YOU” are indeed about me today… Oh how many times have I heard said to me “It’s not about You…” though I secretly smiled to myself when I heard that because they got it so right.. Today I could answer them clearly… “Yes I do know that”.. because it never has been about me..

But today and onwards is different. Suddenly I see that the world needs me too.. and maybe that is why I keep putting myself out there.. because I cannot hide and don’t want too.. I cannot not be me and every human struggle shouts loud.. yes yes yes I do matter and I want to be seen… and I would burst if I didn’t because the spirit/river has to flow.. I think inside everyone of us.. especially the imperfect unfinished art (us) cannot hide anymore and fear starts to lose its hold. The walls begin to crumble… You realise the river/spirit was always going to burst through anyway.. Ohh you know the cutout you (what we all perceive) is not just one dimensional and because you cannot give up its saying nothing is going to define you anymore as we are so much more than even the things we did in the past.. or even yesterday…. Yes we are going to be vulnerable right now, thats what people are.. and we are going to show ourselves no matter what.. Thats what people do.. and yes there might be a process and another layer or 50 more to come or go.. it might be unfinished cause this is what we feel or see today.. but its happening and its now.. We cannot deny it anymore.. We have transpired..

transpire verb –
to occur; happen; take place.
to emit or give off waste matter, watery vapor, etc., through the surface, as of the body or of leaves.
to escape, as moisture or odor, through or as if through pores.
to be revealed or become known.

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One response »

  1. Pingback: Let go of the Struggle | Chronicles

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